Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e18 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Well, as chief magistrate of Greater Hooterville,
I can give you a legal opinion.
Go ahead, Sam.
Since Billie Jo is still a minor,
you could get me to issue an injunction
impounding the $500
from that endowment policy until she's 21.
Sam, that legal talk slides off your tongue
like dew off a duck feather.
Thanks.
That was my legal opinion.
Now I'll give you my personal opinion.
Don't do it.
Why not?
'Cause you'd probably get her so mad
she'd up and run off anyway.
You're right, Sam.
What am I gonna do?
To tell you the truth, kid,
I'm fast running out of opinions.
I tried every way I could
to get her interested in a medical career.
That's why Billie Jo's daddy, rest his soul,
took out the policy in the first place.
Old Bill sure was het up
about his firstborn becoming a doctor.
And now she's going to Hollywood
and maybe get stranded out there.
I can't think of anything worse.
Uh, wait a minute, didn't you tell me.
Uncle Joe was going along as her manager?
Yeah.
Then, I just thought of something worse.
Hey, maybe we could get old Doc Depew over here.
He's helped solved a lot of problems
concerning young people.
That's a great idea, Sam.
He might be just the one
to stop Billie Jo from going to Hollywood.
Oh, positively, he'll figure out a way
to keep her here, for sure.
She's as good as forgot about leaving right now.
Floyd, go fetch Doc Depew.
Sure thing.
Hey, Charley, remind me
to buy an autograph book when I get back.
What for?
To give to Billie Jo, so she can collect me
some movie stars' autographs in Hollywood.
Get out of here, birdbrain.
I'm going, I'm going.
Betty Jo?
Yes, Uncle Joe, what is it?
Do you know where your sister, Billie, is?
In the kitchen washing dishes.
Washing dishes?
That's some job for a movie star.
I know, but until one comes along,
somebody has to do them.
Smart-aleck kid.
Look at it this way, Billie Jo.
Medical schools have mostly boys.
Well, that part I like.
And if you study real hard
Oh, that part I don't like.
I bet you could get
that good-looking young Dr. Harris to help you.
Oh, he is cute, isn't he?
Oh, he sure is.
Forget it.
So is Rock Hudson, Troy Donahue
and Elvis Presley, and they're in Hollywood.
Hey, you two, switch jobs.
You wash, and you dry.
I don't want my little future star keeping her hands wet
and catching cold, delaying our trip.
Uncle Joe, be sensible.
How can you take Billie Jo to Hollywood
when you don't even know if she can act?
No problem teach her how riding out there on the bus.
Who taught you, Uncle Joe?
My knowledge of acting's a gift.
Mom says you should give it back.
Your mother will sing a different tune
when Billie Jo and me hit it big in Hollywood.
That's right, and when we get there,
we'll-we'll send for you and-and Mom and Betty Jo.
Yeah, we'll live in one of them big Hollywood mansions
with a swimming pool, cars for everybody.
Can I have a limousine
with someone to drive me around?
Oh, sure, baby, anything you want.
Fine, then line up Rock Hudson, Elvis Presley
and Troy Donahue to do the driving.
I figure if I'm gonna get in on this dream,
I might as well go first-class.
Kate, I've had cases ranging
from pneumonia to ingrown toenail,
but so far, medical science hasn't come up
with a cure for Hollywooditis.
Billie's got it bad, Doc,
and Uncle Joe's aggravating her condition.
Yeah, Uncle Joe.
That's another thing that baffles medical science.
Doc, you brought Billie Jo
into this part of the world.
Now I'm hoping you can help me keep her here.
You owe it to her, Doc.
Speaking of owing,
did I ever pay you for delivering Billie Jo?
Yes, yes, I think so.
Bobbie Jo, too.
As for Betty Jo, you still owe me.
Well, Doc, you better prescribe something
for keeping Billie Jo here, or I'm gonna worry myself
into an early grave, and you'll never collect.
Oh, go on, Kate.
I've had enough free dinners at your place
to pay for the delivery of an entire baseball team.
You know, Doc, Charley and me
is in the same line as you.
We deliver people every day.
Well, good morning.
Doc Harris, anything the matter?
Oh, no, we're just running low on alcohol.
Uh, drinking or rubbing?
Rubbing. Good.
I got a shelf full of that kind,
but only about four fingers of the other.
Here you are, Doc, I'll add it to your bill.
Thank you, Mr. Drucker.
Well, uh, so long, everybody.
See you over at the office later, hmm?
Too bad that handsome young assistant of yours
couldn't have got Billie Jo interested in medicine.
Yeah, he turned out to be the most dedicated,
most brilliant, most useless doctor I ever met.
Poor fella's a misfit.
The trouble is,
you tried to push Billie Jo and Doc Harris together
on a professional level.
Now, you might've had more luck
if you pushed them together
on a patient-doctor level.
Yeah, it's a good idea, Doc,
except for one little technicality.
How can you make a patient
out of a strong, healthy girl like Billie Jo?
I had the same situation
when I first went into practice.
A beautiful, healthy young girl
was gonna run off to the Broadway stage,
but her folks and I got enough people to tell her
she didn't look so hot, and the first thing you know,
I had a bedridden patient with a bad case of the worries.
You mean she believed it?
Come next month, we'll be married 47 years.
Dorothy?
Yep.
Well, I don't think I could do that to Billie Jo.
But, Kate, it's the only chance you've got.
Yeah, but a mother tricking her own daughter
that just isn't fair.
How's about we take a vote on it?
Right, all those in favor of tricking Billie Jo
into feeling she's sick, raise your hand.
Those against?
Oh, Kate, does that mean you're not
gonna go through with it?
Nope, it means I've been outvoted.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Here's some more movie moguls
we better add to our mailing list.
Jack Warner Hal Wallis and
Darryl Zanuck.
Right.
All right, now, take this down.
Dear movie moguls, it is with great pleasure
I announce the forthcoming arrival in Hollywood
of the blonde bombshell of Hooterville,
Miss Billie Jo Bradley.
Slow down, Uncle Joe, I can
only take this down in longhand.
Yeah, when we get out to Hollywood, I'm gonna have
to get me one of them shorthanded securities.
Okay, I got it, go ahead.
Please write to me, Joseph P. Carson,
her personal manager, and tell us where you intend
to throw the cocktail party for us when we get there.
It says in here they throw them things for the new stars.
A cocktail party?
Uncle Joe
Don't worry, honey, I ain't gonna let them
give you nothing but soft stuff.
Hey, Uncle Joe, hi, Billie.
Billie Jo, Joe.
Hi, Sam, Kate.
How do you feel, Billie Jo?
Just fine, Mr. Drucker. Why?
Oh, uh, nothing.
Just thought you looked a little pale, that's all.
What's the matter?
How do you feel?
Great.
You sure?
Of course.
Good girl.
All right, let's get back to the letter.
Let's see, uh, where were we?
Hmm at the cocktail party.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I got a great idea.
Put this down.
Okay.
And then, Mr. Movie Moguls, you can take us out
to that theater you call, uh, Grauman's Chinese.
Have some wet cement ready
for Miss Bradley to stick her feet in.
Don't you think that's going too far?
Yeah, of course it is.
It's one of them nutty Hollywood customs.
I guess we just have to go along with it.
No, I mean CHARLEY: Hey, Joe.
Got something for you.
Came in the mail.
Looks like a newspaper, but don't read like one.
Great, boys, great, I've been waiting for this.
What's all-fired great about a newspaper
you can't make heads or tails of?
This ain't no ordinary newspaper, it's Variety.
You know what that is?
Yeah, the spice of life.
No, this is the bible of show business.
It don't look very religious to me.
It ain't got nothing to do with religion.
It just keeps show folk up-to-date
on what's happening in the biz.
Biz? The entertainment game.
Get a load of this.
"Shore Vegas bow boffo."
You know what that means?
No, and I don't think you do, either.
Oh, yeah?
Well, just listen to this.
"Songstress Dina Shore opens
to capacity audience in Las Vegas last night."
That's what it means, yokel.
I reckon it's more like a dictionary than a bible.
Appears to be.
You rubes have been riding
that Hooterville "Cornball"
through the sticks so long,
you got no showbiz savvy at all.
Yeah, well, let's see how much you got.
What does this mean?
"Ban bon in biff way."
Well, now, I-I've been out of the game for a while, uh
Right around 60 years.
Come on, Uncle Blowhard, what does it mean?
"Ban bon in biff way."
All right, so I don't know
about that one so what?
I know about it.
You do?
Yeah, it don't mean nothing.
Charley made it up.
That's right, Floyd.
He can't see for looking up close
without he has on his reading glasses.
"Ban bon in biff way!"
"Showbiz bible."
Very funny, very funny.
Why don't you two go wind up
that choo-choo of yours and ride it back
into your padded roundhouse.
You're pathetic, both of you.
Come on in and sit down, boys.
All right, Kate, we're coming.
Feeling okay, Billie Jo?
You look a little peaked.
You're the second person
that doesn't think I look very well.
Make it three.
How do you feel?
Pretty good.
Glad to hear it.
Come on, Floyd, let's eat.
♪
You sure you're okay?
Fine.
Fair, anyway.
How do you think I look?
Well, I ain't too sure.
But I think I've seen you look better.
Oh, dear!
I'm gonna go take a look at myself.
No fever to speak off.
That doesn't mean anything.
I could be carrying something.
That's right you could.
Now I pleaded with you
to keep your hands out of that dishwater.
But I'm sure I look all right.
I think.
You better go let your mother have a look at you.
Yeah.
I guess maybe I better.
Well, worked for Doc Depew.
If Billie Jo falls for that nonsense
about her being sick, I'll eat this plate.
Mom!
Mom, will you take a look at me.
I think I'm getting sick.
Hearty appetite.
Come over here, dear, where the light's better.
Do I look bad to you, Mom?
Mmm, no.
You don't look bad to me.
But you're not saying I look good.
You're right.
I'm not saying that.
Mom, I'm worried.
If one more person tells me how bad I look,
I'm-I'm gonna go straight to bed.
Betty Jo, you haven't told your sister
how you think she looks, have you?
No, I haven't.
Well, tell her.
You look fine, Billie Jo.
Oh, thank heavens!
From over here.
But close-up forget it.
That does it.
I'm going straight to bed.
Put it there, Mom.
For a minute, there
wasn't where I was getting ready to put it.
Are you sick?
Come on, boys, you got to run
me into town to get Doc Depew.
Okay, Joe. Come on, Floyd.
Uh, here, boys, take some sandwiches with you.
Thank you, Kate.
This is no time to worry about eatin'.
The boys should eat to keep up their strength.
Just to run that toy train?
No, because they were exposed to Billie Jo.
They were exposed?
I was practically inoculated.
How's the patient, Doc?
Oh, as well as could be expected.
Considering the circumstances.
What is it, Doc? Is it contagious?
What's wrong with her?
How long has she felt this way?
Not for long, just a few hours.
What's wrong with her?
She didn't say she was suffering from nausea,
headaches, or dizzy spells, did she?
No, she just got
to feeling kind of strange and went up
to bed.
What's wrong with her?
Well, there's nothing like rest
to get you back on the road to recovery.
What's wrong with her?
Has she complained about anything recently?
Mmm, not that I can think of.
Well, that reduces the possibility of complications.
For Pete's sake, Doc,
are you gonna say what's wrong with her or ain't ya?
Until I've had an opinion
from my colleague, Dr. Harris,
I'm not saying for sure.
I left word for him to join me.
He should be along in about the time it takes
to, um eat a piece of pie?
Finish a cup of coffee?
Sure thing, Doc.
What'll it be apple, mince or pumpkin?
I'll take Hold it, Doc.
Until you've had an opinion from your colleague
don't say for sure.
How do you feel, dear?
Oh, so-so.
Did Dr. Depew tell you what was wrong with me?
I couldn't get a word out of him.
He said he could tell more
after another examination.
Um, why don't you fix your hair
and put on some lipstick.
Doctor's on his way up.
He's already seen me like this,
and besides, how can I get spruced up
when I haven't an ounce of strength left?
Well, suit yourself.
I'll call the doctor.
You can come up now, Dr. Harris.
Dr. Harris?!
He can't see me like this!
Well, dear, it's good to see
you at least have half an ounce of strength left.
Who is it?
It's Dr. Harris.
Come in, Doctor.
Hello, Miss Bradley.
Hello, Dr. Harris.
I'm sorry you're not feeling well.
Oh, she'll start feeling better
now that you're here, Doctor.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
But she's already been looked at
by one of the finest doctors in the medical profession.
Why he wants me to conduct an examination,
I'll never know. I hope not.
I mean, I, uh, I hope it doesn't put you out.
Not at all.
I'm flattered. I'm thrilled.
I'm sick.
Aren't you gonna start the examination?
It just started.
And you say that altogether it amounts
to over 500 deliveries, huh?
Well, of course that includes 12 calves,
seven colts and an elephant.
An elephant?
12 years ago when the circus came through.
Oh, yeah, I Oh, Kate.
Doctor Harris. How's the patient, Doctor?
As far as I can determine, she's in perfect health.
No fever? None.
Temperature, pulse, respiration all normal.
Oh, that's marvelous, Doctor.
Absolutely marvelous.
Do you realize what you've done for this girl?
Nothing, I didn't even give her an aspirin.
Nothing he says.
Yeah.
I'm so impressed with the remarkable relationship
that you have established between doctor and patient,
that I'm gonna turn the case over to you.
Well, thank you, Doctor,
but I You can drop by every day
for the next week or so,
just to make sure there's no sign of a relapse.
Certainly, Doctor.
But I must say it's hard to believe
that girl's been sick.
It certainly is.
Congratulations.
Well thank you, Doctor.
Okay, Billie Jo,
now first we'll start with a serious pose.
How does this look?
Like you just swallowed a bottle of caster oil.
Very funny, little baby sister.
Now don't go getting your sister upset, Betty Jo.
I'm taking some professional pictures of her.
Professional pictures?
To send to Hollywood.
Give them movie moguls a preview
of coming attractions.
All right, Billie Jo, now hold it.
Okay, got it.
Now sit up on the desk for the next one.
This is a fine way for Billie Jo to be recuperating.
That's what I figured.
Now give us a big smile this time
and pretend you're waving to the Hollywood throngs.
Got it.
If Mom gets home from shopping
and catches you doing this, you're gonna get it.
Did your mom go shopping?
You know darn good and well she did.
Well, it just so happens I picked this time of day
because the light's good
and because it's nice and quiet around here
and I thought you went with her.
All right, jump down, Billie Jo.
We'll get some of them Hollywood type action shots.
Now I want you to come over here
and pretend that Tony Curtis is chasing you.
Okay, Uncle Joe.
Ready. Go!
I said go. Why ain't you runnin'?
If Tony Curtis is chasin', I'm not runnin'.
Okay, now set
that basin of fresh cement on the floor
for your sister to put her feet in.
Oh, that's what it's for.
For a second, I thought it was gonna be
for something silly.
Now we'll show 'em how you're gonna look
in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
Now put your foot in the cement.
Here, hold this.
I got a terrific idea.
I'll be right back!
Here. Now when I count three,
you flash that on and off at your sister.
Uncle Joe,
since I'm suddenly your assistant,
do you mind telling me why?
So she'll get used to the flashbulbs
going off in her face.
Oh, sure.
I should have guessed.
Okay now, Billie Jo,
give me your prettiest smile.
One, two, three.
Okay, come on.
Now we'll go outside and get some shots
on the front porch. Good idea, Uncle Joe.
Oh, Uncle Joe!
Oh no, look what's happened.
Well, you're lucky, it could have been worse.
I forgot I was gonna have you do it barefoot.
Kate, tell me the Hooterville Cannonball can fly,
or tell me I'm growing my second head of hair,
but don't tell me Billie Jo has seen
that handsome, young doctor four days in a row
and isn't interested in him.
Oh, she thinks he's a fine doctor,
and a great man, and an asset
to the community of Hooterville,
but she's still talki " about leavi"
for the community of Hollywood.
Was you expecting them to fall in love, Kate?
No, but I thought at least he'd switch
from taking her pulse to holding her hand.
Trouble is there's no challenge for Billie Jo.
Yeah, if she thought there was another girl chasin' him,
she'd be right in there fightin' for him.
Sam, I got an idea.
Have you finished setting up
the "Happening's Around Town" column?
Yeah, why?
I'd like to make one little change,
for one special private edition,
to be delivered to Miss Billie Jo Bradley.
She never misses reading that column.
And I want it set up,
so she'll sit up and take notice.
Oh, no, I don't believe it!
What's the matter, dear?
Listen to this in the "Happenings Around Town" column.
"What handsome, young Hooterville doctor
"is secretly more dedicated to the girls in Pixley
than he is to his practice in Hooterville?"
Hmm, that is a choice tidbit.
What do you suppose it means?
Mom, there are only two doctors in Hooterville
and one is married and almost 70.
Doctor Depew?
Is that who you think it is?
Mom, don't be so naive!
Is that what I am?
Of course.
Why, this item obviously refers to Clayton Harris.
Otherwise known as Doctor Double-Life.
That rascal.
He hasn't been trying to get
you to go out with him, has he?
No, darn it.
He sure hasn't.
Oh, well, what do you care?
You'll soon be going off to Hollywood
and you'll forget all about Dr. Harris.
Do you think for one minute that I'm gonna go off
and leave him to those Pixley females
without putting up a fight?
But what about Rock Hudson
and all those handsome movie stars?
They're no better looking than my Clayton.
Your Clayton?
He will be.
After all, we both share an interest in medicine.
Oh.
I'm going to start college next year
and eventually become a doctor.
And I'll bet that's more
than any of Clayton's Pixley girlfriends can say.
No, there probably isn't one of them can say that.
After all, medicine's quite a challenge.
Yes.
And so is Clayton, that dedicated doll.
Then you're sayin'
that you're gonna leave Hollywood and the like
to those empty-headed Pixley girls.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
When I set my mind to something, I
Hey, Billie Jo,
here's the latest issue of Variety.
Dr. Harris, I'm so glad to see you.
Oh, you certainly seem chipper today, Miss Bradley.
Don't you want to look at this Variety?
Just call me Billie Jo, please.
Hmm?
Oh, all right, Billie Jo.
I-I figure that two people
that share an interest in medicine, as we do,
ought to get to know each other better. What's that?
Didn't I tell you?
I've decided to become a doctor!
Oh, that's great news!
Just great!
What's she talking about?
You heard her, Uncle Joe.
She's finally getting interested in medicine.
Well now don't that beat all?
Just like that, she changes her mind.
Yeah, just like that.
Mom, have you made up your mind what I'm gonna become?
No, dear.
Well, if you do just tell me.
I don't want to waste a lot of time fighting it.
Say, Bobbie Jo,
you ever think of going to Hollywood?
Sure, I'd love to go to Hollywood!
Great! When do we leave? Anytime!
After I'm married, raised my family,
and have enough money for a vacation.
Well, Uncle Joe, as they say,
that's showbiz.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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