The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e18 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
Starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Golly, that must be some book.
First time I ever saw a fellow
get all wore out just readin'.
This is a humdinger,
you know that?
The Art of Judo.
It ought to be required readin'
for every law
enforcement officer.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Just listen to this:
"The practice of
Judo is not limited
"to seeking physical perfection.
"Through hard practice of Judo,
one will be able to cultivate
courage to endure hardship."
I'll be dogged.
Yeah. Professor
Matsumato wrote that.
He don't come from
around here, does he?
No, Andy. He's
from the old country.
Now, just for an example.
What would you do
if you was tryin' to arrest
a desperate criminal
and he was comin'
at you with a knife
but you was unarmed
What would you do?
Uh
Run?
( laughing)
You'd use the Komashido Gatami.
The how?
That means counter the attack.
Oh.
Here, I'll show you.
Come on, I'll show you.
Huh? Yeah.
Now, see that
knife? That's a knife.
That's a r Oh,
that's a knife.
Yeah. Hold it like that.
Like that? Yeah.
Now you come at me
like you was gonna
attack me, see.
With the knife, that's right.
Come at you?
Yeah, come right at me.
Right at you?
Yeah, real fast. Come on.
What if I hurt you?
No, you won't hurt me.
Right at you? Let's go.
Halt!
Just a second, wait a minute.
( grunting)
You gonna to do all that to me?
No, no, I'll take
it easy on you.
I'll take it easy.
O Okay. Come on.
Okay. Come at me.
Right at you?
Yeah. Ready? Okay, ready.
Ha! One, two
Andy, um, you wanna
let loose let go
Well is is that
all there is to it?
No, you did something wrong.
Well, I still got the knife.
I know, but you did
something wrong. Let me loose.
You you didn't
do it right, Andy.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
Wait a minute, I'm
gonna try the other way.
Okay.
This is the Komashido.
Yeah?
The Komashido method.
Komashido?
Yeah, now, do
this in slow motion.
Yeah. This way again?
No. Come at me this way.
Down?
Yeah, get her up there.
Okay. Slow motion.
Slow? I'll show
you step by step.
Okay.
Now, ready? Ready.
Come on. Okay.
Look at that. Huh!
See that? Yeah.
You can't do anything.
Now I just do this.
Yeah?
Now, doesn't matter
how strong you are
because it's leverage.
See that? I just
force you right down.
Yeah. I'll be dogged. See that?
Uh-huh. Now, let's try it.
Okay. Really fast.
Fast?
Really try to get me.
Really fast. Y-you ready?
Yeah.
Hi, hip, heh.
Come on.
All right. Hip, ha! Hee!
Now I just force you
like that.
( groaning)
Andy? Huh?
Andy, you want to let me up?
Huh?
Want to just let me up?
Is that all you gonna do?
Well, no, you did
something wrong.
Uh oh.
You did something wrong.
I don't know what it was.
Oh, golly, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
( phone rings)
Hello, Sheriff's Office.
What?
Again?
All right, we'll be right over.
I see what you did wrong now.
You was holdin' the
knife in the wrong hand.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll try to be more considerate
next time I attack you.
Better check in there
and see if they got any defense
against an attack
by flyin' plates.
Flyin' plates?
Yeah, the Boones.
Are they at it again?
Yeah, just had a call
from a next-door neighbor.
Sounds like a wild
and woolly one.
Them two beat
everything, don't they?
Ever since they moved to town
they been at each other.
Yeah.
Maybe you better
take your book along.
Huh?
Well, maybe you can
practice on Miss Boone.
Oh.
( woman yelling)
( crockery breaking)
( man yelling)
Hurry in there, Sheriff,
before they kill one another.
It'll be a good
thing if they would.
Then maybe we'd get a
little peace around here.
Can't you do something
about it, Sheriff?
Maybe you all better
just go on home.
We'll take care of it.
Yeah, yeah, get back, everybody.
We're going in now.
MAN: After that
garbage. you call..!
Open up in there!
Open up in the name of the law!
( glass shatters)
Open up, I said!
This is Deputy Barney Fife!
( crockery shatters)
Fred, Jennie?
You ain't got a chance.
The place is surrounded.
Now open this door!
You fat-mouthed
Barney, why don't
we just open it?
Now you really got us riled.
You almost hit the Sheriff.
Go get 'em, Sheriff.
( all screaming at once)
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop it, stop it, right now!
Why, hello, Andy.
How are you?
Hi, Andy. Glad to see you.
Fred, you and Jennie know
you're disturbin'
the peace again.
Well, we're just havin'
a little friendly argument.
Well, I want you to stop it.
I want you to quit it right now.
Well, I'll quit it when she
quits her everlastin' naggin'.
Naggin'?
Yeah, naggin'. Nag, nag, nag.
How'd you like a big fat lip?
I'd like it fine.
It'd match your big fat mouth.
You shut up, you
big old buzzard, you!
Don't tell me to shut up,
you old crow.
Crow, crow!
( cawing)
( everybody shouting)
Stop it!
Now, Jennie, put that cup down.
Put it down right now!
( shatters)
( groans)
I didn't mean there.
All right, Sheriff,
what do you say?
Do we pull 'em in?
Don't think I ain't tempted.
And don't think I ain't got
the grounds to do it, too.
Now, Fred, you and Jennie,
this is the last time
I'm warnin' you.
Now, the next time I'm
gonna have to pull you in,
so there better
not be a next time.
Now, do you hear me?
Well, sorry to cause
you all this trouble, Andy.
I'm sorry, Andy.
Oh, I hope I didn't hurt
your foot none, Barney.
Oh, well, no.
It'll be all right in
a couple of weeks.
ANDY: Well, now,
I want both of you
to straighten up and
act like somebody.
We gotta get some fishin'
in, one of these days, Andy.
Yeah, I reckon we have.
I've been busy lately.
But we'll get up
a trip pretty soon.
Come back again, Andy.
How's Aunt Bee?
Oh, she, she's doing fine.
JENNIE: Good.
We'll see ya.
All right.
FRED: See what
your big mouth did?
JENNIE: My big
mouth, you big baboon?
Fred!
You and Jennie.
I mean it.
( all shouting)
Get in here, you two!
Come on! Get right in here, now!
Oh, for heaven's sakes,
what is it this time?
Well, that warning
you give 'em last night
didn't do any good.
First thing this mornin'
they's at it again.
I was out on patrol
and heard the racket.
You're the limit, you two.
Don't you even
stop for breakfast?
What am I gonna do with you?
What am I gonna do with you?
If she would just keep
her big mouth shut
Quiet! All she does is
Quiet!
Throw the book at 'em.
Wouldn't do any good.
Jennie'd just pick it up
and throw it back at Fred.
If I was you, I'd lock 'em up
and throw away the key.
Well, that wouldn't
do any good, either,
because just as
soon as they'd get out,
they'd start it all over again.
Fred, you and Jennie, I declare,
you're just as
guilty as all get out.
I just don't know
what in the world
to do with you.
Ever since you moved down here,
you get along with
everybody else fine.
You're nice folks.
Now, how come you can't
get along with one another?
Well, I'll tell you, Sheriff. Sheriff,
did you ever try to get along
He's the meanest
with a rattlesnake?
Now, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Now, I am bound to find
out what starts these fights
and then maybe we
can work from there.
Now, what was it started
the row this mornin'?
I was at breakfast.
Ha! If you could call
it that. Breakfast?
He throwed his plate
of food on the floor.
Food?
Ha! That slop
wasn't fit for the hogs.
Oh, it was fit for hogs.
That's why I give it to you.
There, you see
what I mean, Sheriff?
( both talking at once) Hold it!
She keeps giving
me that needling.
Wait a minute. Fred, Fred
you and Jennie
Now what was the
first thing you said
this mornin' at the
breakfast table?
First thing?
ANDY: That's right.
First thing I say every mornin'.
What's that?
Yecch.
Uh-huh.
What are you gonna do, Andy?
Well, I believe
we'll just try a little
experiment here.
Fred, I want you to
set down right there.
And, Jennie, you
set down right there.
Do I have to sit?
Yes, you have to set right down.
Now, now, now, this is you two
over at your house
at the breakfast table.
Now, Fred, I want you
to say something nice to Jennie.
What?
Yeah, say something
nice to Jennie.
To her?
That's right.
I'd rather eat the slop.
Fred, say something
nice to Jennie
or get locked up
in one of them cells.
Well, uh
Uh
This ain't gonna work, Andy.
He can't even
think of one thing.
Well, now all new
things come hard,
but I'm sure Fred
can work up to it.
Let's see.
How about a nice "Good mornin'"
just for a starter?
Oh, Sheriff, that's
crazy kind of
Fred.
( gruffly): Mornin'!
No. Not "mornin'!"
Nice and polite,
like "Good mornin'."
Now, Fred, say it
or get locked up.
M mornin'.
Now, now you, Jennie.
Jennie?
Mornin'.
Uh-huh.
Now, "Good mornin', dear."
"Dear"?
"Dear."
I'd rather die.
Come on, Jennie, you can do it.
"Mornin', dear."
How come you give
me the real hard ones?
Because you're a lady.
Now, come on, give it a try.
"Mornin'"
Mornin'
"Dear."
Dear.
Now you again, Fred.
"Mornin', honey."
Honey?
Honey. Oh, Sheriff
"Honey."
Sheriff, a man's just
made out of flesh and blood,
you know?
Come on, Fred.
"Good mornin', honey."
Andy, you think it'd help if
I held this up to his head?
I think that might
make him say it.
Come on, Fred.
That's it. "Mornin', honey."
Mornin', honey!
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
It wasn't so good, neither.
I'd rather be called "skunk
face" than "honey" like that.
It ain't gonna work, Andy,
It just ain't gonna work.
Now, that wasn't
half bad for a starter.
Now, we'll do this every
mornin' for 15 minutes
till you get the habit.
Do what? Do what?
That's right, you're
both on probation
a-and you better show up.
Oh, but Sheriff
Because if you don't,
I'm going to have to come
and get you and lock you up.
Do this every mornin'?
That's right.
Sheriff, what this
And now you've
got the words out,
let's work on getting them
out with the right expression.
Now, Jennie, it's not, it's not
( curtly): "Mornin', dear."
It's ( softly):
"Mornin', dear."
Fred, it's ( softly):
"Mornin', honey."
Now, let's everybody together.
Mornin', dear.
Mornin', honey.
ALL: Mornin', dear.
Mornin', honey.
Mornin', dear
Andy, that was brilliant.
Just plain brilliant.
Yeah, it is, ain't it?
Well, it certainly is.
That's what most
things are habit.
And if you can get
folks into the habit
of getting along
instead of fighting,
they will.
Get along, I mean, that is.
Well, yeah, th-that's
the way I had it figured.
I says to myself, I says,
I'll get 'em in the habit
and then
OPIE: No, we ain't.
BOY: We are, too.
It's my house and I don't wanna.
I'm the company so you gotta.
No, I ain't.
Yes, you do.
Opie, you and Billy
stop that right now.
Just stop that,
stop that right now.
Now, Opie, every time
Billy comes over here,
you all wind up rollin'
around on the floor
and rearrangin' the furniture.
Now, how come
you can't play nice?
'Cause he's as
stubborn as a mule.
I am not, you are!
I am not, you are.
You both are.
Now, I'm tired of this
howlin' and yowlin'
every time you all get together.
Now, if you can't play nice,
maybe I better just tell Billy
he's not to come here anymore.
BEE: Andy?
Ma'am?
You're not being brilliant.
Huh?
Habit, remember?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh
Young 'uns?
I tell you what I'm
gonna do with you.
Now, every time you
all play nice together,
no howlin' and no yowlin'
and no movin' the
furniture around,
I'm gonna give each one
of you a shiny new nickel.
Now, how does that set with you?
A nickel, Paw,
a whole nickel?
Just for playin' nice?
Boy, for that much money
I'd play nice with a polecat.
Yeah, me, too.
All right, let's
give it a try, then.
What do you want to play, Opie?
Anything you
want to play, Billy.
Well, you did it
again, didn't you?
Oh, now, Aunt Bee.
Well, you did.
Well, the way I figure it
is-is they'll do it
for the nickel, see,
and then they'll get used to it
and, uh
now, what
what was that word
you called it a while ago?
"Habit"?
No.
"Getting along."
Uh, no, it-it started
with a, with a "B."
A "B"?
"Brilliant"?
Oh, now, Aunt Bee.
Would you like some
more coffee, dear?
No, thank you honey.
The eggs are delicious.
Thank you, dear.
I'm glad you like them.
You're welcome, honey.
Oh, that was fine, fine!
Ain't no use
overdoin' it, though.
Anyway, your time's
up, you can go now.
( chuckles)
And we'll do
handshakin' tomorrow.
Handshakin'?
Now there ain't no use
to go into a panic, Fred.
Why it wouldn't surprise
me if in a week's time
it didn't bother you
at all. See you at 9:00.
And let's hear it one more time.
Mornin', dear.
Mornin', honey.
( testily): Mornin', dear.
( strained): Mornin', honey.
Mornin', dear.
Mornin'
Uh, Fred, Fred!
The door, remember?
Oh.
After you, honey.
Thank you, dear.
ANDY: Good fella.
Why don't you go take a
Well, you still think this
ain't gonna work, Barney?
Well, I got to
admit you got things
comin' out of their mouths
I never would've
thought possible.
Yeah. But what's to stop
them from goin' home now
and havin' a
dingbuster of a battle?
Well, I'll tell you, Barney.
In the first place, them two's
in too great a state of shock
to think of fightin'.
And in the second place,
by the time the shock wears off,
why, the habit will
have taken over.
No, I think the Boones'
fightin' days is finished.
Well, good.
Good? It's brilliant.
I'll see you tonight, angel.
Yes, dear.
Bye, dear.
Bye, dear.
Oh, that was fine.
I'm glad you liked it.
Let's go, dear.
See you tomorrow.
We know it, Barney.
We'll be here.
Morning, honey.
Morning, dear.
Morning, honey.
Morning, honey.
Well, they're kind
of short with us
but they're doing just
fine with each other.
Yeah, ain't they?
I got to hand it to you, Andy,
I never would have believed
it could have been done.
Well, just shows you
what a little patience
and practice will do.
They sure are changed.
Yeah, just two nice,
kind, gentle folks.
Mmm.
Deal the cards, will you, Cliff?
You gonna shuffle all night?
Well, all right, all right.
What are we playing
here, hearts or tiddlywinks?
Well, the man's dealing the
cards like you asked him to.
Pipe down, will ya,
Gil, I ain't talkin' to you.
Well, I know you're not.
Well, then, butt out.
What's got into
you lately, Fred?
What?
Well, you was always so friendly
like when we played hearts,
but lately you been
kind of mean like.
You tryin' to start
somethin', Gil?
No, no, no.
Yeah, Fred, I noticed
lately that you been
Deal!
Acting
What uh, what is it, dear?
I was just wondering
if you and the boys
would like some coffee, dear?
Well, that's very
sweet of you, darling.
You fellas want some coffee?
All right, speak up!
S-sure. Thank you.
Thanks. Yes, darling,
they'll have some.
Thank you, dear.
You're welcome, dear.
Where are the rest of
the cards? Deal, will ya?!
Hi, Aunt Bee.
Evenin' Andy.
How's the experiment
with the Boones comin' along?
Oh, fine, fine.
That's good.
You ought to see the way
they talk to one another
Just as friendly and polite.
I'm glad they talk to
each other that way.
Jennie hasn't been
talking like that lately.
Huh?
Well, I met her on
the street yesterday
and I said something to her
and she practically
took my head off.
Well, what in the
world did you say?
A perfectly innocent thing.
I think I remarked that she
was wearing her hair differently.
And she turned on me like a cat.
Well, maybe
she's feelin' poorly.
No, no. I never remember
seeing her this way.
She was always a friendly
sort of easygoing woman.
Haven't you noticed
the change in her, Andy?
Well, now now
that you mention it
they, they both been
a little bit snappish.
Well, golly, they get
along fine with one another.
Why, I ain't had
a single complaint
about them disturbin'
the peace lately.
Well, now, I wonder if
they really prefer it that way.
Hmm?
Well, maybe they're more
content when they're bickering.
You mean, maybe they
can they can only be happy
wh-when they're
pickin' at each other?
And, uh, maybe that's the way
that they show their
love for one another?
Sounds peculiar
but it's not unusual.
Huh.
Oh, hi, Ope.
Hi, Paw.
Well, boy, you sure
are the quiet one.
Uh-huh.
Well, what's the matter?
Ain't you been playin'
with your friend Billy lately?
No.
Well, how come?
He don't like comin'
here anymore.
Well, why not?
Says you can't play
cops and robbers
or cowboys here.
You got to play nice.
Well, I gave you all a nickel
every time you did play nice.
I know, Paw.
But Billy would rather
play good games for nothin'
than get a nickel
for playin' nice.
Sure is borin', Paw.
Well, well, now,
now, wait a minute.
Let me, let me just
understand somethin' here.
Uh, you mean, you
mean all those nickels
that I gave you and Billy
kinda took the
fun out of playin'
and you'd like to go
back to the way it was?
Playin' kind of wild
and messin' around
because it comes
more natural to you?
Yeah, Paw.
( knocking at door)
Well, Cliff, what in the
world happened to you?
Are you hurt?
Oh, it's that Fred
Boone, Sheriff.
You got to do
somethin' about him.
Well, what did he do?
Well, he's been actin'
meaner than a bear lately,
and tonight whilst
we was playin' cards,
he begin to complain about
how I was dealin' too slow.
He did?
And next thing I know,
he punched me in the nose.
For nothin'? For nothin'!
There was a pitcher
of water on the table
and I just got out
before he could throw it.
( knocking at door)
Well, I'll be dogged.
I got the pitcher of water.
Well, you all
you all go on home
and I'll take care of this.
Take care of your nose, Cliff.
Uh
( clears throat)
Opie, you know, uh
you know what we
was talkin' about?
Now, I'm not goin' to give
you and Billy any more nickels
for playin' nice, you hear?
Really, Paw?
We'll give back the nickels
you already gave us.
No, no.
You just keep them.
That's a mighty cheap price
for learnin' that what
looks like rasslin' to one
is dancin' to another.
You want Billy and
me to dance, Paw?
No, I want you to have
fun any way it's fun to you.
And the Boones, too.
( whistling)
Howdy, Jennie.
Now what do you want, Sheriff?
Uh, mind if I come in?
Come on in.
I can't stop ya.
All right.
Sheriff just dropped in
for a little visit, dear.
That's nice, dear.
Well, now, that's not
exactly the way it is.
Actually actually, I had
a purpose in comin' over.
I been studyin' about how
good y'all have been gettin' along
for the last ten days
and, well, I just don't see
any point in us continuin'
our mornin' trainin' sessions.
In fact, I thought it
just be fittin' and proper
if we had a little
graduation ceremony.
I brought a little
sweet cider here
for us to celebrate with.
I'll get us some glasses.
Suit yourself, Sheriff.
That's right.
Say what you
have to say, Sheriff
and get on with it.
All right.
My friends, we are
gathered here this evenin'
to mark the
beginnin' of a new life.
A life of peace and
quiet and gettin' along.
The beauty and joy
of which you now know
and I'm sure ain't
never goin' to forget.
It ain't no more
than fittin', then,
that we express
our appreciation.
To you, Jennie, who
made all this possible
when you stopped needlin'
and ridin' and railin'
and harassin' and
naggin' poor old Fred here.
Now, hold on a minute, Sheriff.
I never did
all that much naggin'.
Well, I'm sorry, Jennie.
Uh, to you then, Fred
who made all this
happy life possible
when you stopped comin' home
all mean and nasty and awful.
Now hold on, Sheriff.
I may have come home
out of sorts from time to time
but you got no call to say
that I was mean and ornery.
Uh, to, uh, to
whoever was the worst.
Now, look here, Jennie,
I may have been bad
but I wasn't the worst.
Meanin' I was, I suppose, dear.
Well, you didn't help
matters much, dear.
And I suppose you did, dear,
with your meanness
and nastiness and
orneriness?
Orneriness.
If I was, it was your naggin'
and, and your
snivellin'?
Snivellin' that
made me like that.
Snivellin'? Why, you, you
Blackhearted buzzard?
Blackhearted buzzard!
Blachear?! Why,
I'd rather be a buzzard
than a naggin',
snivellin' old
fishwife?
Fishwife!
Fishwife? You heard me!
Oh, you mean ol' coot
You old battle-ax,
don't you call me
Uh uh, Fred I'll call
you anything I want!
Hey, Fred, you and Jennie!
I'm leavin' now.
Bye.
Nice to have seen you, Sheriff.
Come back again soon, Sheriff.
Bye.
If you as much as open your big
mouth to me! Don't you ever call me
( argument continuing)
( pottery breaking)
What do you think?
Golly, you look pretty as
a picture in them pajamas.
Pajamas? This
is a Judogi outfit.
Judogi? Yeah. It's
judo training clothes.
Oh. Huh.
Where'd you get that?
In a Japanese war surplus store?
I sent away to Professor
Matsumato for it.
Oh. Makes all the difference
in the world, you know?
Right in here.
( karate yells)
What's that mean?
( imitates karate yells)
That's what you
do when you start.
Oh.
What's that?
Come on, I'll show you.
Look. Now stab me again,
only this time,
come in like that.
Like that?
Yeah. I'll show you
what I'm going to do.
This is new. Now,
do it in slow motion.
This is new?
Yeah. Slow motion Ready?
( karate yell)
( imitates karate yell)
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay. Okay, go
ahead. ( karate yell)
Okay, ready?
Uh-huh.
Dropped it right
out of your hand.
Right out of my hand,
that's a pretty good trick.
Yeah. Okay, I think I
got the knack of it now.
Let's give her a real try.
Well, don't you think
you ought to practice
maybe one more time?
What for? I got it down pat.
Come on.
Well, what if I cut you?
You won't cut me. Okay, ready?
Mm-hmm.
( karate yell)
( moans loudly)
Darn you, Andy!