8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e19 Episode Script

1
'Morning, girls.
- No, then he said to me
- 'Morning, girls.
- What's up?
- Nothing!
Jason said Then he said
What? What is it?
- Nothing!
- Private convo, Dad. God!
- His hair.
- In his ear?
Yeah!
What? What's that?
What's that you say?
You want me to walk you
to school from now on?
I didn't think so.
That was a sharp pain, Dad,
but I'll go to school
if you say so.
I say so. You're faking.
What? Rory?
Why are you trying to get out
of going to school?
Older kids have been
calling him names.
- Shut up.
- What names?
Um, Dork, Dorky, Dr. Dorkenstein.
Girls!
Being called names
is not a reason to miss school.
Sticks and stones
I know you guys
are calling me
names. Knock it off.
Nip it in the bud.
Dad, please, can I stay home?
Rory, if it'll make
you feel any better,
I'll talk to the guys
when I drop you off.
Are you insane?
You can never get
out of the car, ever.
- OK.
- Promise. Say it out loud.
- You won't get out of the car.
- I won't get out of the car.
You guys think you're big men
calling my son names?
That make you feel
important, does it?
Dude, your dad left the car.
I know.
We're sorry, Mr. Hennessy,
but we only called
him Rory Borealis
'cause he has a
crush on this girl
named Allison and she's boring.
That's it?!
Yeah.
Well, stop.
- OK.
- Check it out.
What?
You wore your slippers?
- So?
- Slippers.
What up, Slipper Dad?
You realize we're
gonna have to move.
- Oh.
- What?
I'm just sitting here.
You honestly don't even know
what you did, do you?
- Hmm. Slipper Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
How did you even know about that?
Rory doesn't go to your school.
- Uh, hello!
- Grapevine.
Rory's friends have big mouths,
like my friend Tiffany.
I'm telling everyone she let one
slip during sit-ups in gym class.
We're scarred for
life yet again, Dad.
You're overreacting.
- This will blow over.
- Hey, Bridge, Kerry
Slipper Dad.
- What?
You heard too?
Detroit's a small
town. People talk.
What were you
doing out of the car?
OK. Everybody,
I am deeply, truly sorry.
And you can make it up to us.
Ashley's having a party.
Her old boyfriend Tyler
will get in her new
boyfriend Blake's
face, which only
leads to one thing.
Dance-off! Uh-huh.
Yeah, Mom and Dad,
dance-off. Uh-huh.
Hey, you know how I feel about
you guys going to parties.
Come on, Dad, don't
be a dork, please.
You never let us
have parties here.
You've had a lot
of parties here.
Yeah, parties with moon bounces
and dancing clowns.
And morons dressed like
the Lone Ranger.
Your father is not a moron.
Sure, this coming from Tonto.
- Hey, buddy.
- Don't call me buddy.
You crossed a line, Dad,
and you crossed it in slippers.
Come on, Rory, you're all
I've got in this house.
I'm drowning in a sea of
estrogen. You're my life raft.
Not anymore. Unless
No monkey.
Fine. Don't come
knocking at my door
when Mom rents Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Wait. All right.
How about a squirrel
monkey, but keep
him in the garage?
- Chimpanzee, stays in my room.
- Squirrel monkey, in the attic.
No deal.
OK, squirrel
monkey, attic, BB gun.
Bargaining with monkeys?
You sad, sad man.
Remember when the kids looked up
to me? They thought I was cool.
Yeah. It's called parental
dorkdom. Comes
with the territory.
Remember I was choking on that
lemon wedge at Parent Night
and Coach McNabb
gave me the Heimlich?
Which he enjoyed
a little too much.
I was choking.
Then why was he smiling?
The point is, I've been there.
We've all been there. Accept it.
Come to the dork side, Paul.
I will not go gently, Cate.
Sue me if I miss the days
of moon bounces in the backyard.
All right, well, I'm
done helping you.
Hello? Yeah, Bridge.
- What?
- What?
- What?!
- What?!
Don't move a muscle. The police
just busted Ashley's party.
- What's the address?
- Oh, my God, let's go.
- Paul.
- What?
Yo, yo, yo!
Slippa Dizzie in the hizzie.
- Anthony.
- Don't worry, Mr. Henn.
The Five-O be
makin' a big mistake.
My pops is gonna go all Johnnie
Cochran on these fools, nahmeen?
Bridget and Kerry Hennessy.
You guys aren't gonna
embarrass us, are you?
God forbid we embarrass you in
front of your
friends, the police!
You lied. You said you were going
to Ashley's house for the party.
No. Technically I told you
Ashley was having a party.
I didn't tell you it was at
- My house!
- Tommy?
Now you visit after
your daughters
almost get arrested.
Don't even bother.
Hey, how you doin', hot stuff?
Very well, thanks.
How's your wife?
I don't know. She was sick
yesterday, never woke up today.
If I were a betting man,
I'd say either plumbing or
How about a hug?
- No.
- Come on.
No at the supermarket,
no at the video store,
no at the post office No!
We'll always have the bank.
God, Tommy, I'm
standing right here.
Yeah, but I like women.
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. H.
Uh, Dad, the cops
want to talk to you.
You fingered me as your father?
Wait a minute.
Hold on a second.
Go to the garage,
cover up the box
marked "Hawaii
vacation." Just go.
It's really a
- Paul?
- Oh, jeez.
Diane. Cate, this
is Diane Sharpe,
Tommy's and my boss' wife,
and their daughter Rachel.
Hey, he's wearing shoes.
No, he's probably got
the slippers in the car.
They're driving moccasins.
- Tommy?
- Huh?
There are cops here.
You've got a beer can pyramid
in your driveway.
- What kind of parent are you?
- Yeah!
Hey, who are you to judge me?
I'm the one who opens my house
to kids, even with a sick wife.
You all do nothing.
Where else are
the kids gonna go?
Anywhere but here. Am I right?
That's exactly right.
- Dad, please stop.
- You're making a scene.
I'm getting started. I'll see to
it this never happens again.
OK, big mouth. After
the basketball finals, next week,
when the kids get together, like
they always do, if
not here, where?
You want to know
where? I'll tell you.
All right.
My God, this is worse than the
time you choked
on the lemon, Mom.
Really?
They can go someplace safe,
someplace where a
responsible parent is in charge.
Someplace where we are secure
in the knowledge
that our children are going to
have a good, wholesome time.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Paul.
You're welcome. For what?
Oh, Paul.
For volunteering
your house. God.
No offense,
but this is, like,
the dullest party ever.
At least you get to leave.
Hey, Dad, can you stop doing
this to people?
Unless it makes you disappear.
Hey, Rachel. What's up?
Nothing.
I noticed you went outside
with your drink.
Let me just freshen
that up for you.
Dad!
OK, I'm trying to be a good host.
There it is, fresh as a daisy.
I tell you, Rory,
they are not gonna
put one over on me, right, pal?
All those years I
laughed while you
screwed up Bridget
and Kerry's lives.
But I'm not laughing now, man.
I'm not laughing now.
- Mom! He's ruining our party.
- Mom!
Uh, Paul, can I just
see you for a minute?
Upstairs.
Oooh!
- What?
- Paul, you are unbelievable.
I may be a loser to my girls
but I'm a hero to the parents.
- You mean to your boss' wife?
- I think she's cute, that's all.
Oh, you mean No
Listen, I am just saying I have a
responsibility to their children.
Then just give
their party a chance.
Go down every 15 minutes
instead of every five.
Easy for you to say.
You're not under pressure.
You work in
the emergency room all night.
Don't cry to me.
You volunteered our house
on the week you knew I was
working graveyard shifts.
- Trade you.
- No.
Oh
- Paul, honey.
- Huh?
I thought you
were going to work.
Yeah, I did.
Uh Come here, sweetie.
I want to show you something.
Oh
Oh, this is bad.
Twenty-seven messages.
Hmm. I wonder what they want.
You could've woken me up.
Yeah, I could have.
You could have stayed in the car.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, really. Sorry.
I know, 3:00 AM, I know.
Yo, Slippa D,
your party be all Dennis Rodman
and whatnot. Fo' sheez, yo!
Nice going, jackass.
- Drive safely.
- This party rocked.
Well, it's official.
I am now a loser to both
kids and parents.
Nick Sharpe dragged me
over the coals at work today.
You know, Nick
Sharpe can kiss my
Paul.
His daughter's here?
Parents are actually allowing
their kids to come over?
Yeah. They're just studying.
Besides, the parents trust me.
Pardon me, I'm
gonna take a shower.
Try to stay awake
while I'm gone.
- Hi, Mr. Hennessy.
- Rachel. What's up?
- Nothing.
- Of course.
I'm just trying to
write this stupid
essay on The Old
Man and the Sea.
Oh, you're reading Hemingway?
Yeah, but it's just
this depressing story
about sharks eating
some old guy's fish.
Rachel's talking to Dad.
Rachel doesn't talk to anybody.
Why Dad?
No idea. It's a total enigma.
Conundrum.
- Mystery.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
Thanks, Mr. Hennessy.
Don't say anything,
but my dad was no help at all.
He is such a loser.
Now come on, Rachel,
he's a very busy man.
Granted, he gets paid very well
and he can be a little pomp
But that's neither
here nor there.
Your secret is safe with me.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
I gotta get home for dinner.
Hey, Andre, let's go.
Mr. Hennessy, is this you
at Tiger Stadium?
Oh, yeah, that's when
I interviewed Kirk Gibson
when he returned
to Detroit in '93.
- Your dad's cool.
- Yeah, we know. Bye-bye.
"Yeah, we know"?
What do we know?
'Cause, unless I'm hallucinating,
it sounded a little bit like
we know I'm cool.
- Don't make a big thing of it.
- No, I'm not.
So, if your friends
If your friends think I'm cool,
I'm cool?
- Sure.
- Yeah, I guess.
Cool.
I am exhausted.
Good night, honey.
- Will it bother you if I read?
- Uh-huh.
I was just thinking about
the events of the day. Strange.
Talking might actually bother me
more than reading.
The girls' friends
were actually nice to me today.
They were interested in me.
One of them even told me
something in confidence.
- Who?
- I'm sorry, that's confidential.
Oh. OK, good night.
Rachel Sharpe, the boss's
daughter. No big deal.
I'm telling you, Cate,
something has shifted.
There was a silver lining
to that awful party,
some fantastic serendipity,
like a phoenix rising
out of the ashes.
- You're talking.
- Cate!
This is important.
Rachel Sharpe can talk to me
and cannot talk to her father,
and other kids are seeing me
in a different light.
That makes Bridget and Kerry
see me in a different light.
I'm the go-to dad, if you will.
Because you accidentally
fell asleep at a party?
Cate, I'm telling
you, for some reason
the children have
been brought to me.
Look, Paul, you're cool now,
just like Tommy
was cool last week.
But it'll pass.
Well, you may be right. Jealous.
But until that time happens,
I am going to bask
in this moment in the sun.
It's my Brigadoon.
You know what, Paul?
Say that to the kids,
because the kids today,
they love the musicals.
Oh, my God, I don't
know who Grace
Slick is, but I have
the same pants.
- This is a great collection.
- My dad has cool taste in music.
- Oh
- Don't.
Know who else was great?
The Rolling Stones.
- I love them. They're like U2.
- Only old and ugly.
- Bread? Cat Stevens?
- Your mother's.
Enjoying Brigadoon?
Brigadoon. That's your mother's
favorite musical.
She just adores it!
Oh, she adores adores it.
Look at them, Cate. I'm
bordering on folk hero status.
You fell asleep.
All right, I'm gonna
get out of here now.
- No parties.
- Yeah.
Love you.
Gee, you're thin.
Three children, you? Nah.
Ashley, Jasmine.
Oh, Bridget, remember what
your mother said about
She said no parties.
This is a couple of friends over.
Plus, look at Bridget.
Her clothing-to-skin ratio
is totally non-party.
Exactly.
As long as it's a
couple of friends,
then maybe I'd better make us a
pizza run. What about that, huh?
- Rory, you want to tag along?
- No.
Alrighty, then.
Bridgie, Care
Bear, private convo.
- What's going on?
- Looks like a party.
But I could be wrong.
What happened to
a couple of friends over?
More came, so
now it's a kick-back.
You mean a party?
No. Mom said we
can't have parties.
Twenty or fewer is a kick-back.
- That's about right.
- Dad, it's Mom.
Just a sec.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Honey, hi.
You're on your way home?
Circling the block? Why?
A party? No.
Who told you that?
Fred Doyle called you at work?
Well, if he was so mad,
why didn't he call here?
Oh, Dad, Fred Doyle called,
- while you left us all alone!
- Rory!
Go turn down the music! Honey
No, I did not I
went to get the
It is not a party.
It is called a kick-back.
Yes, it is.
Twenty or fewer is
called a kick-back.
Yes, it is!
Yes, it is!
Yes, it is.
Your mother thought
this was a party,
but this is so
obviously a kick-back.
Cate What?
What? What?!
I can't hear you. You gotta
speak up. I can't hear over
Brigadoon. That's
very, very funny.
- Hey, Papa H.
- Yeah, K-man?
Tell Andre about the time
you interviewed Magic Johnson.
- You interviewed Magic Johnson?
- Sure did, Dre, sure did.
- Mr. Hennessy
- Just a second, honey.
I interviewed Magic
when he was in high school
and Michigan lost him to MSU.
Man, I miss your stories!
Yeah, Rach?
My mom and dad said it's OK I
spend the night here if that's OK
- with you and Mrs. Hennessy.
- Sure.
If they call, you'll
talk to them?
No problem.
Awesome. See ya!
- Wait, hold on!
- Dad!
Where do you think you're going?
Dad, don't embarrass us.
- Please don't make a scene.
- I'm not making a scene.
Rach, honey, it's me.
Let's talk this through.
- Yo, yo, yo!
- Hey!
Anthony, what the hell are
you doing? Who are these guys?
- Dad, aren't you getting sleepy?
- Mr. Henn,
look at you all crinkly brow,
and eyes all bulgin' and whatnot.
Shoot. Yo, you want a beer, dog?
Yeah, I want a beer, dog.
In fact, I want all the beers.
You know what else?
I want the music
to stop right now,
and I want everybody out of here.
Man, Mr. Henn. Why you gots
to be trippin', dude?
And I want you to stop talking
like an idiot.
I hear that.
Dad, this is officially a scene.
I want your car keys
and I want them now.
Jeez. How are my friends and I
supposed to get home?
I have a lacrosse
game in the morning.
I will drive you. I'll drive
all of you in the minivan.
Oh, my God, the Loser Cruiser?
- Dad, you don't have to do that.
- I have to do that.
Everybody, move out right now.
Come on, let's go. Go on.
Let's go. Come on.
Hey, Cate.
Well, I see the children
were brought to you.
You were right.
Cool Dad is vanishing
into the night in a minivan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So much for Brigadoon.
Oh, hell. Still my
favorite musical.
Everybody, let's go. Out!
Come on.
This is gonna
get all over school.
Starting tomorrow,
we promise no more parties.
- Just be cool for now.
- Cool, huh?
Let me give that some thought.
Uh
No. Girls, fetch my slippers.
Welcome back to
the dork side, Paul.
Honey, you did the right thing.
One day the kids
will laugh about this.
Rory, shouldn't you be in bed?
Yeah, but I was kinda, sorta
feeling bad for Dad.
And seeing how he
was feeling tonight,
it made me want to
give him a present.
Hey, you got the boy back.
A present for me? What is it?
Slippers.
Dozens of slippers!
All the slippers that have been
stuffed in my locker all week
because you had
to get out of the car!
Rory, you can't
Ooh, sheepskin.