AfterMASH (1983) s01e19 Episode Script

1
Thank you for watching.
The Weather Service predicts cool,
breezy April weather for the rest of this week.
Currently at 815, the temperature is 93.
This is the same weather service that two
days ago predicted snow.
Whatever the climate, your VA has this
advice to make your coping more copacetic.
If it's cold, stay warm.
If it's warm, stay cool.
Are they there when you need them or what?
Dr. Potter to second floor nursing station.
Dr. Potter.
Ladies and girls, come on, step lively.
Okay, you will observe what we have here
is a patient.
Patient, got that, Lambert?
Oh, yes, Dr. Boyer, a patient.
Good.
Morning, Mr. Dupree.
These are the future doctors of America.
If that thought doesn't get you well in a
hurry, nothing will.
Not so good, huh?
Like my head's a balloon.
When do I get my operation, doc?
Good question.
Why don't we ask the pros?
Mr. Dupree has a lung abscess.
His chest needs to be drained.
When can we go in, Wilkins?
His temperature is 103.5.
Poor risk for surgery.
We should give him a lot of fluids,
aspirin, and cold sponge baths.
Try to break the fever.
Easier said than done here in Panama City.
However, there is a recent medical
development.
A cooling blanket.
Anyone heard of it?
It's hooked up to a refrigeration unit.
You put a patient on it, it lowers his
temperature.
Wilkins, you're too sharp for this place.
You ought to be a lawyer.
It's an air conditioner for the insides.
But we can't use it on Mr. Dupree.
Why?
I can hear you not asking so earnestly, because
our crack 19th century facility doesn't have one.
So, what are you going to do, Lambert?
I don't know.
You're going to get angry, Lambert.
Frustrated at the inefficiency we're
confronted with.
I am?
Get angry, Lambert.
I don't know what purpose that serves,
Doctor.
Well, first of all, it feels real good.
You yell, scream, good for the lungs.
His, not yours.
Secondly, it motivates us to do whatever
is necessary to help this man.
Mr. Dupree, I'm going to get what I need
to fix you up so fast, you're going to be
in post-op before you even knew you were
an op.
Count on it.
Thanks, Doc.
Ah, there you are, Colonel.
I would have been here sooner,
but I stopped to wring out my socks.
Nurse Coleman, do me a favor.
Blow on me.
Sorry, Doctor, I'm having a breath
despair.
It's Dr. Perino at Levering General.
Wonderful, more hot air.
They're overloaded with heat prostration
cases.
Ben, got a problem?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, if you've bagged your limit,
send them over.
I'll personally croon, baby, it's cold
outside to them until either
Sure.
How about sometime?
It's always a pleasure, Ben.
Bye.
Nurse Coleman, Ward 2C.
Morning, Padre.
Somebody's husband come home unexpectedly?
Cute.
I'm using the shower here.
The bathroom at the rectory was so
crowded, I couldn't even get five measly
minutes of that lukewarm, barely dripping,
rusty water shower I so look forward to.
And the toilet there is just the tip of
the iceberg.
Is the alleged food abominable?
We had chicken casserole last night.
I cut my lip on a beak.
Sure, I tell you, I can't take much more.
Well, Padre, unless you took some kind of vow
of misery, I suggest you get the heck out of there.
Dumb your nose at him.
Oh, I could never do that.
I've never been out on my own.
Not really.
I hear you have to cook your own meals,
paint your own walls, do your own laundry.
That's a foreboding thought, Sherm.
Padre, you don't look it, but you're
pushing middle age.
You're kind of a worldly fella,
even been through a war.
Matching your socks is a challenge,
but I think you're up to it.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe I'm overreacting, running off the
deep end of this heat and all.
After I've gotten cleaned up, I'll be in a
much more civilized mood.
Oh, Lord, I seem to have misplaced my
shoes.
No problem.
We can get you some.
Unfortunately, my underwear was stuffed in
them.
Help me, sir.
I'm going to say bad words.
Oh, I'm not bad.
Morning, Red.
Where are you going?
Gotta yell it, poor Billy.
You don't have an appointment.
You don't need an appointment to barge in.
The only way you'll get in there is
through me.
Where do I start?
Pardon?
No.
This is the first time I've really had a
chance to look you over.
Wow, those eyelashes.
Blink me, Miss Cox.
I most certainly will not.
Oh, you can't fool me, lady.
Underneath that Midwest frock, there's a South
Seas pagan looking for a missionary to debauch.
Dr. Boyer!
Are you married?
No.
Get married.
We'll have an affair.
If it works out, I'll get married, too.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I will be as soon as I have a reason.
Unbutton my shirt, Red.
It is unbuttoned.
I want to run my fingers through your
sweat.
I want to fondle your eyes.
Dr. Boyer, I'm not sure I'm that kind of
girl.
You could be.
Oh, thank you.
Not really.
I think you better go see Pork Bellies.
Who?
Oh, yeah.
I'll make it quick.
Don't go away, Heat Wave.
Today's your Fourth of July.
Dr. Boyer.
Don't get up, Mike.
Do we have an appointment?
No, we don't.
Well, why don't we make one?
How about next Tuesday?
It'd be good to see you.
Then again, we could talk now and you'd be
free next Tuesday.
No, wait a minute.
I have a funeral next Tuesday.
Why don't we talk now and you'd be free
next Thursday?
That's very thoughtful.
Nice suit.
Came with two jackets.
Pretty soon you'll be able to wear them
both.
Do we have anything else to discuss?
Yeah.
That air conditioner.
How about that?
Isn't that something?
Yeah, that's something.
You're sitting here cool as a chubby cucumber
while the patients are frying eggs on each other.
It's just a pilot program they're trying
out on administrators.
If we're sufficiently cooled, it'll spread
to the rest of the hospital.
Emerson, Chili, Willie.
Well, I think that's a hell of an idea, Mike.
Then so do I.
It's tough enough running this whole hospital
without worrying about underarm sweat stains.
I get these big moons.
Comes from caring too much.
I hear Dr. Schweitzer's ringing wet all
the time.
Mike.
Mike, I know you spend long, cool hours
agonizing over your patient's welfare,
asking yourself over and over,
how can I help my people?
How?
How?
You read my guts like a book.
You're in luck, Mike.
I'm going to let you put your compassion
where your mouth is.
I need a cooling blanket for a patient.
Order it and quick.
A cooling blanket?
I never heard of that.
It's new.
It works.
Get it.
Cigar?
No.
But
Equipment must be evaluated in Washington
before I'm allowed to even know it exists.
What'll that take, a year?
Two?
I'd be glad to wait, but my guy's sick now.
Do it, Mike.
I won't snitch.
But I can't use some untested experimental
medical gadget on a patient.
I'll take the responsibility.
You don't understand.
If a patient dies here from approved
methods, that's fine.
But you hook him up to some new
life-saving gadget that A, not only
doesn't, and B, isn't authorized, and I'll be
back selling kindling to the pet crematorium.
Doctor, I'm afraid somebody has to be the
heavy.
And that's you all over.
When Washington gives the okay on this cooling
blanket, I'll be there to tuck the patients in with it.
Until then, they'll have to make do with
or without whatever it is they haven't got.
You understand?
Oh, sure, Mike.
When the patients suffer, you suffer.
In fact, I'm gonna make sure that's the
case.
Whatever happens to my patient is gonna
happen to you.
I guarantee it.
Now, now, Dr. Boyer, keep your hands to
yourself.
Move it.
Playing hard to get.
I like it.
Ridiculous.
And our cleaning lady's a real prize, too.
Brings her dog with her into the rooms.
Someone should explain to that mangy mutt the
difference between a fire hydrant and a bedspread.
Nothing flippant.
Lower than double-shafting a man of God.
Have you ever lived with a man of God?
Father Grogan snores when he sleeps,
and he sleeps at the dinner table.
It's disgusting.
Blows his food all over the room.
I'm tired of smelling like tuna surprise.
It's tough putting up with other people,
Father.
When I was still a working girl,
I had a roommate.
If I had to entertain at home,
she'd get so mad.
There'd she be yelling at me when all I asked
was that she answer the door every half hour.
Yes.
Well, my situation.
It's not quite so theatrical.
What I want is some peace of mind.
That's having your own place, Father.
That's the second time that's been
suggested to me today.
Maybe I should think about that.
Seriously.
Well, if you're seriously serious, there's a
real neat place for rent in my apartment building.
Oh?
Where's that?
On Elm Street.
The Riverboat Arms.
The Riverboat Arms.
How Missouri-ish.
Sarah, I'm going to have a look at that
apartment.
No.
Here's the address.
They don't allow pets or children,
but priests, who knows?
Hey, Father, how about tying in the
feedback together?
I gotta see a man about some dicks.
Sarah, what's the special?
49 cents.
I'll take it, but put gravy on it.
Hey.
Dr. Boyer, right?
I'm Max Klinger.
From over the hospital, you've probably
seen me around.
Not necessarily.
Well, here's your chance.
How about I sit with you?
Why don't you nod, okay?
You got it backward, Doc.
First you get to know me, then you hate
me.
That's the way my parents did it.
I don't need to know you, Klinger.
You work at the VA.
That's enough for me.
So, what's that, like being a Nazi?
That's like having a master's in buck
passing.
That's like doing everything, everything
by the book.
That's like
Leave me alone, huh?
Sir, for a year in Korea, I endured
endless insults.
Most of them from guys who were jealous because I look
better in crepe de chine than any man has a right to.
But saying I do things by the book?
That's where I draw the line.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You want my rap sheet for reference?
I'm a troublemaker.
A square peg in the round world.
I'm the guy who put the mal in malcontent.
Then tell me something, Mal.
How's a guy like you put up with the
system here?
You can't get anything done.
Nothing.
It's like swimming in syrup.
You talking about any syrup or a
particular brand?
I want to do something real subversive.
Help a patient.
You don't go for the easy ones.
I need some equipment.
The only way I'm going to get it is to
buff the floor with D'Angelo's back pocket.
With all due respect, Doc, you got your
head up your foot.
You can get what you want here easy.
Just have a friend who knows all the ropes
and where they're buried, like me.
How come you want to help?
The word on you is that
you're surly, arrogant, selfish,
and from one nurse, better
looking than Jeff Chandler.
What nurse?
Later.
They also say that you're the surgery with
Sammy Boy as to the stop and go pattern,
and that you bust your butt for the vets.
Well, I care about the guys, too.
And us guys who care about other guys gotta
hang together so the bad guys don't hang us.
Right?
Let me have a seat.
Thank you.
I usually get asked for station, tools, one nutso
offered good dough for a weekend in the morgue.
But a hot cooling blanket?
Never.
Not once.
Too tough, winner?
It ain't tough, it ain't worth my time.
I'll contact my contact and contact you.
You want me to do what?
Get us a cooling blanket for our medical department
using whatever extra or pseudo-legal means are necessary.
I can't believe this.
Mike, you're making a humanitarian gesture
here.
And I want an explanation.
By way of explaining, let me say that ours
is a great country.
And why?
Because of great men.
Unforgettable men.
Men who were not afraid to sacrifice all
for their beliefs.
Men like, well, you know, guys you see on
money.
What's in it for you?
Compassion.
I cannot live with myself whilst my
patients are suffering.
You're going to have to talk louder, Mike.
Can't hear you over the chilly Willy.
It is my lot in life to play the bad guy
at times, to say no to expenditures,
make the tough choices.
My position prevents me from showing off
my best parts.
That's probably for the best.
But I have feelings, too.
I care.
Mike, when you're right, it's a surprise.
But in this case, you are, and I'll be
glad to help you in any way I can.
All right.
You have my approval.
Official, unofficial permission to find us
a cooling blanket.
And when you do, I'll help you smuggle it
in.
Oh, one more thing, this Dr. Boyer.
Is it just me, or does the man have a
touch of the Tasmanian devil in him?
No, the Tasmanian devil was a fun guy when
you got him away from the job.
But Dr. Boyer's hell on wheels.
Well, he's back in civilization.
Boyer, I mean.
He's got to realize the war is behind him,
just like his leg.
Bingo.
Gotcha, Mike.
Boyer's the one who wants the blanket.
And you're afraid if you don't
get it, he'll mail your molars to St.
Joe with you still in them.
I'm right, aren't I?
Say I'm right.
Only in the sense that you're not wrong.
Mike, Boyer's a doctor.
He would never strike you, unless he had
maybe this much reason.
What do you want for the cooling blanket?
Right, the Corvette.
That's all?
You don't want a blonde in leopard-skin
Toreador pants?
And how about a house with a garage to
park it all in?
Klinger, get me Dr. Perino, levering
general.
Pronto.
Perino, pronto.
Oh, aye, aye, sir.
Come on, Charlie.
What's your final offer?
What?
Be serious.
A man's life's on the line here.
Okay.
If you can go out on a limb, I guess I
can, too.
I'll deliver.
Be at the loading dock at midnight for the
switch.
Midnight sharp.
Look around for a tall, dark, good-looking
guy.
I'll be standing next to him.
Wait, don't hang up.
My boss wants your boss.
Sir, I got Perino.
Gracias.
Ben, hi.
Just wanted to tell you your patients are
doing fine here.
I'm personally, myself, making sure they're receiving
the very best, if not better, in medical care.
Oh, well, actually, there is something you
can do for me.
You wouldn't happen to have a cooling
blanket, would you?
We've got great need of one here.
You do?
Wonder bar!
And the house rules are, one, no altars
will be built in any of the units.
Two, stinking up the place with incense
will get you a definite heave-ho.
It might surprise you to know that I'm
really a rather average Joe, Hank.
Don't let the collar throw you.
It ain't the collar, it's the tennis shoes.
Okay, go on, look around, but don't mess
nothing up.
Hmm.
There hasn't been by any chance a rodeo
held in here.
What's that, a cuteness?
No, but this is quite a hole in the wall.
What did you expect?
You don't work for 60 a month,
Yankee Stadium.
No, I mean that literally.
There's a hole in the wall.
Oh, that.
Just stick a picture in front of it and
you got a safe.
Come on, you want the place or not?
How much did you say the rent was again?
50?
Oh.
The floor is all greasy.
I think someone's done a lube job in here.
Well, as your luck would have it,
I'm charitable to a fault.
And my disposable income is next to
nothing.
By that, I mean 50 a month, Hank.
52.50.
50 or I ankle.
Okay.
You're pretty sharp for a priest.
That's a book on me.
Yes.
There you are, $50.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm looking for the appallment that's
renting for 40 bucks a month.
Too late.
Welcome to the world, Father.
Maintenance supervisor, call extension.
Extension 23.
Maintenance supervisor, extension 23.
All clear.
Need help with that?
Light is a feather to me, Doc.
Sneaking around, breaking the rules.
It's great to do an honest day's work
again.
Visiting hours are now over.
Ms. Coleman, there should be a delivery
for me from Dr. Perino at Levering.
Nothing here, sir, and I've been here all
evening.
Huh.
Get him on the phone, would you?
Klinger, is that you?
It is if you're Charlie.
I'm Charlie, if you're Klinger.
It's me, Dr. Blanket.
Right.
Klinger, you got your end?
You betcha.
Who are you?
Just a friend.
Right, a nameless friend.
You want to give me a hand, Dr. Boyer?
Ben, what do you mean you can't find the
blanket?
That's crazy.
A few hours ago you had it, now you don't?
You darn right I'm upset.
What kind of a slip shot operation are you
running over there?
Ben, I'm surprised at you.
When you're running a hospital,
you gotta be on top of things.
You wouldn't see something like that going
on behind my back.
Away I go, a-wandering, until the day I
die.
Now may I always laugh and sing beneath
God's clear blue sky.
Valderie, Valderol, Valderie, Valderol,
Valderie, Valderol, beneath God's clear blue sky.
Ah, it's getting cold.
Crazy weather.
Item 46, repair heater.
Dear Lord.
Do you love me, Eva?
Say it like you mean it.
Pay up.
Here.
I love you.
Hey, you're five dollars short, creep.
Ah!
Ah!
What's the meaning of this?
What's he doing here?
Did we have an appointment?
We certainly did not.
For your information, I happen to be a
priest.
Not with me, eh?
Lydia does a specialty act.
Okay, Hank's here.
What's the hoo-ha?
This is disgust.
You're telling me.
Put your pants on, Father.
Look, Ruby lets me have this place every
Saturday night.
Well, Ruby doesn't live here anymore.
I do.
Keep your voice down, Father.
This is a family neighborhood.
This smells like trouble.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm getting out of here.
George, wait up.
I love you.
Eva, no problem.
I got the same apartment downstairs for 30
a month.
30?
Father, what's going on?
You having a little housewarming party?
It's been quite a day, sir.
I got all moved in.
Now, all I have to do is move back out.
Oh, no, Father.
You can't let one shameful, disgusting,
humiliating experience throw you for a loop.
With that attitude, I'd have starved to
death.
No, no.
I've seen the light, and unfortunately,
it's red.
It's not what I had in mind.
But it's a neat place.
Honest.
Oh, sure, maybe a couple of girls here do
do what they do good to make a living,
but that's life.
Only a couple of the girls?
Well, sure, like all places.
We got maybe a bunco artist or two,
and I think the guy in 3B is a loan shark.
And the guy in 4G, I don't know what he does,
but he's got a scar and a whole lot of money.
A real cross-section.
A cross-section of Americana, huh?
Yeah, and they need priests.
Boy, do they need priests.
Sarah, I work with the sick and infirm all day,
then to come home to the depraved at night.
I don't know if I want to make Saint that
bad.
You know, Father, you could help the
others here the way you undergraded me.
I know you could.
You got a real way about you.
Well, on the other hand, Father Damien did
work among the lepers, but that was in Hawaii.
Hawaii?
I think this is a sign, Father.
Of what?
That God has a sense of humor?
Well, what do you say?
Oh, who knows?
Perhaps this could be my mission,
helping the godless, teaching the lawless,
yet still being able to catch a ball game
on weekends.
As long as you don't get shot, it'll be fun.
What the heck?
I'll stay.
First thing in the morning, we start
cleaning up this joint, Sarah.
You and me.
You're gonna love it.
We have a potluck barbecue.
Every time someone makes bail.
Sportinghouse chaplain.
You know, there just might be a movie in
this.
Mike.
Oh, sure.
Boy, you really popped my garters there.
Well, this is it, buddy.
D-hour.
I got me a pair of Ripple-soled shoes.
They're real quiet.
When you get home, you usually find some
gum and spare change in there.
Mike, there's something you ought to know.
You know, I think I would have made a
boffo spot.
Why, infiltrating nests of commies, death,
and or torture, only a slip of the lip away.
Mike, there's no cooling blanket.
What?
But you said they had one over at Levering
General.
And I had it all arranged, but when Dr.
Perino went to get it, it was AWOL.
But you promised.
Now, what could have happened to it?
That is the million-dollar question.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
I can't believe anyone would steal a
valuable piece of medical equipment.
It's a real setback, all right.
It's tragic.
These shoes cost $8.95.
Well, I guess fate's telling me I'm not
cut out to be a corner cutter.
I gave it a try.
Straight and narrow is the path for me.
How about a nightcap, Sherm?
Why not?
It'll warm us up.
Boy, it's freezing in here.
Yeah, I must have left the chili Willy on.
What chili Willy?
Well, the one that used to be where that
gaping hole is.
My chili Willy.
Ooh, it is chili.
First a cooling blanket is stolen,
and now an air conditioner gets lifted.
This smells like a Lebanese coincidence to
me.
I don't understand.
Don't sweat it.
Not that that's a problem anymore.
But someway, somehow, I got a strong hunch
you helped a certain patient more than you know.
Ooh, is that snow?
Tonight on Emerald Point, Tom finally asks
Maggie.
Will you marry me?
While Harlan schemes to defeat Tom.
There's a law against bribery,
and it should be enforced.
Tonight.
Now stay tuned as wedding bells hit a sour note
when Kirk keeps fainting at the altar on Newhart.
Next.