Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e19 Episode Script
Everybody Still Hates Nagging
1
[hip-hop music]
[Chris] My mother was
always on my ass.
She nagged me in the morning.
Move it, Sleeping Beauty,
before I whoop
your sleeping booty!
Ah!
[Chris] She nagged me at noon.
Uh-uh, go change, boy!
I've got rags less
raggedy than you.
[Chris] She nagged me at night.
Get your elbows
off the table.
You know it's only
being held up by tape.
[Chris] And of course,
she nagged me
when I talked to girls.
So Greg and I are gonna go
to amateur night at the Apollo
this weekend if you wanna--
Chris, get in here!
You didn't set the rat trap.
Now the rat has
a butcher knife.
[sighs] Wait!
Never mind.
Your eyes are almost
as pretty as mine.
[giggling]
[Chris] And worst of all,
she nagged me
when I was trying to win
tickets to "WrestleMania IV."
[grunts]
[man in radio] Do you love
Andre the Giant? Yes.
Are you wrestling with
your own pillow right now?
[grunts] Yes.
Well, you're in luck,
because "WrestleMania IV" is
coming to the New York area.
No way.
They're coming here?
Boy, are you wrestling yourself
again and messing up
my good pillows?
No.
I--
Look, I told you.
You're a Black boy.
You don't have the
luxury of fake fighting.
I don't wanna see or hear
another thing about wrestling.
I promise.
Nothing about wrestling.
Hi, I'm calling
about wrestling.
You're the third caller,
and you'll be our winner
if you can tell me
Jesse Ventura's nickname.
That's easy--
Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
Congratulations!
You've just won two
tickets to "WrestleMania IV"!
[humming]
We'll see you in
Atlantic City Sunday night!
Uh-- uh-- uh, Atlantic City?
How the hell
am I gonna get there?
[Rochelle] Boy, if you don't set
the table, I'ma smack
you into the next state!
[Chris] That would do it.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
[Chris] My dad's favorite
team, the Dodgers,
were one game away from
heading to the World Series.
So he wasn't just
superstitious,
he was super-duper-stitious.
[sniffs] You gotta
wash your jersey, Daddy.
I wore this when
the Dodgers won
the World Series in '81, and I
can't wash that
good luck off, baby.
[commentator] The Dodgers just
need one more out.
Mwah.
And here comes the pitch--
Strike 3!
Yeah!
[both] Woo-daddio!
We'll be right back with
the National League playoffs.
Okay, baby.
Wanna practice your
lines for "The Wiz"?
Not lines, line.
Hey, your one line is gonna
be better than every other line
in that play.
I don't know.
I don't feel like
I've ever nailed it.
Let me hear what you've
got, Yellow Brick Number 5.
[exhales]
Ouch!
My butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks!
Wait, where did Tonya go?
Because that's not my daughter.
That is a real brick!
Oh, Daddy.
Now, where are my Ron Cey
signature batting gloves?
Why do you need
to wear gloves?
You ain't batting.
[scoffs]
[both] To eat ribs!
Rochelle, you know if I
don't eat a rib every inning,
the Dodgers will lose.
I know if you eat
that much sauced meat,
your gout's gonna flare up.
I have to, for the Dodgers.
Well, I better get going.
I'm off to visit Auntie
Mimi in Atlantic City.
She pulled her quad
whooping cousin Titi.
Oh, are you heading out?
[sighs] I sure am worried
about Auntie Mimi.
It would do my heart a world
of good to come with you
and see her.
[Chris] Whoa, daddio!
You're worried about an
auntie you never even met?
I don't think so.
Are you at least gonna walk
me to the car, Mr. Dodgers?
Of course, baby.
I'm walking you right now.
I have 126 sand
grains' worth of time.
All right.
Bye, Tonya.
Mommy loves-- ah!
[Chris] There went my free ride
to Atlantic City
and my only shot
at seeing fake
fighting till
"Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills."
Don't let me come
home to a pigsty.
Mm-hmm.
And don't forget, Tonya's
final performance of "The Wiz"
is on Sunday.
Mm-hmm.
Tonya's wonderful,
but prepare yourself.
It's 3 1/2 hours,
no intermission.
Yeah, got it, Sunday.
Love you.
Goodbye.
[pigeon cooing]
[grumbles]
[wings fluttering]
Shh!
Could you mope more quietly?
I'm trying to catch a
pigeon for my magic act.
Magic act?
"Goliath Nickelpasture's
Illusions
for Beginning Magicians."
How are you the one girls want?
Hmm.
You got any tricks to make
me appear in Atlantic City?
Why don't you hitchhike?
People are always
offering me rides.
[funky music]
♪
[drink splatting]
[sizzling]
So hitchhiking didn't work.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
that pigeon was so chubby!
Can you please go watch the
game with Dad or something?
I would, but he never lets
me stay past the third inning
because I touch a bobblehead
wrong or something.
I never make it past
the national anthem.
One time, he even kicked me
all the way out the house.
Wait, he kicked you out?
Thanks, Drew.
Silence!
[cheering on TV]
Daddy, Chris touched
a bobblehead.
Chris, don't touch anything!
Sorry, Dad, but gee
whiz, these are cool.
Is Auntie Mimi
a fan of bobbleheads?
Boy, you gonna have
a bobblehead if you
don't sit down and be quiet!
And that's a hard
hit over right field.
This one's going, going--
[both] Woo-daddio!
"Boo-daddio" is what
Auntie Mimi will say
when Mom shows up without me.
- going--
[audience groaning]
Not gone?
Wow.
Bad luck for the Dodgers.
Daddy, Chris jinxed us!
Chris, you're gonna
ruin this for me!
I told you to be quiet!
Maybe I should leave.
What'd I just say?
Zip it!
[Chris] It was time
for the big guns.
And with that double
play to end the inning,
things are looking
up for the Mets.
All right!
Let's go, Mets.
Oh, hell no.
[funky music]
Mm, mm, mm.
[sighs]
Here's $20.
[straining]
This is Aunt Mimi's address.
When you get there,
be sure to tell
your mother why I sent you.
Okay, Dad, I will.
[Chris] No, I won't.
I was 17 and headed to
Atlantic City on my own.
♪
Welcome to Atlantic
City, brother.
"WrestleMania," here I come!
[woman] Whoo!
Whee!
Whoo!
Mom?
[gasps]
Chris!
[upbeat music]
[retching]
Chris!
What are you doing here?
Dad sent me away because
I was cheering for the Mets.
What are you doing here?
Why do you have different hair?
Why are you wearing sandals?
Where's Auntie Mimi?
[sighs]
There is no Auntie Mimi.
Well, there is,
but we're not connected
by blood, just by taffy.
You lied?
[sighs] Look, I love your
father more than anything,
but I can't be in that house
when he watches the playoffs.
It's just too much!
So when he goes extra
crazy, I just tell him
I'm visiting a sick relative
so I can take a break,
wear this wig,
and get my sanity back.
[Chris] Back then, white people
had couples' therapy.
Black people
had Atlantic City.
But if you're here,
I don't get my break.
So you gotta go home.
I can't go home.
Dad will kill me.
And bury you in the dirt
he saved from Ebbets Field.
Yeah, I know.
[both chuckling]
[retching]
All right, you can stay.
But you gotta do what
I plan to do, OK?
Come on.
Hey, your mom's hot.
Bring her to "WrestleMania"
with you so I can
make you another
brother, brother.
Yeah, that's not happening.
She'd never let me go,
and I don't want her there.
Well, then you gotta
ditch her 'cause I'm gonna
do something new.
Instead of bashing people
with folding chairs,
I'm gonna try an office chair!
Chris!
Stop ogling that billboard!
It's time for mani-pedis.
[retching]
Ditch her!
[funky music]
[aggressive tone] Ouch!
My butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks.
[lighter tone] Ouch,
my butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks.
[in British accent] Blimey,
my butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks!
You don't wanna
over-rehearse.
That last one was perfect.
Shh, shh, shh.
We're one out away.
[commentator] Howard Johnson
comes to the plate.
Quick, hand me my Howard
Johnson voodoo doll.
No, no, not that
one, the other one!
He's out!
That's the ball game!
The Dodgers are going
to the World Series!
We did it, baby!
[both] Woo-daddio!
We'll see you Sunday night
for game one
of the World Series.
Wait, Sunday night?
That's the final
performance of my musical!
Huh. Too bad you'll have
to miss the game, Daddy.
[Chris] The Dodgers may have
been going to the series,
but every time I tried to
ditch my mom, I struck out.
Mom,
we can't afford all this.
I'll just go get a hot
dog on the boardwalk.
See ya.
No, stay.
I got a free night
and food vouchers
for attending some dumb
timeshare presentation.
So sit down and eat
your free crab cakes!
[Chris] Strike three.
Boy, didn't I raise
you better than that?
Sorry.
I know.
No elbows on the table.
No, I mean, you can't have
mashed potatoes without gravy.
You want a river
or a swimming pool?
What? What?
Come on, Chris.
It's our special trip
to Atlantic City.
We gotta have fun with it.
River or swimming pool?
Both.
[Chris] Apparently, my mom
could actually be fun?
♪
[announcer] The first pitch
of the World Series
is tonight at 7:10,
and it may be a
game-time decision
whether Julius
will be watching
his team or his daughter.
[gasps]
[in Spanish]
You can't run from this, Julio!
You need to make a choice!
Ay, dios mio!
[in English]
What would Jackie do?
[bobblehead clicking]
That's right.
You were a utility player.
You think I could
be a utility player, too,
and man both positions?
Thanks, Jackie.
Okay, chill, man.
You made your point.
♪
I can't hide
doves down there.
It'd tickle too much.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Drew? It's Greg.
Is Chris around?
We're supposed to go
to the Apollo tonight.
I'm so excited I'll finally
get to bully someone!
Um, Dad made Chris
leave the city
because he cheered for the Mets.
I'm the only one home.
An empty apartment?
You could be getting in there
in every room in the house!
I could do that any time.
[crowd] Drew! Drew! Drew,
over here! Drew! Drew!
I know you're all
excited to see Drew,
but we need a nice line here.
The fire marshal's
been on our ass.
[crowd] Drew! Drew!
Man, sometimes I think your
good looks are wasted on you.
No, I actually use
them all the time.
Hey, you're a nerd.
Are doves and pigeons the same?
[doorbell rings]
Yeah, they're both birds.
Damn, Greg!
Thanks!
I shall name her
Whitney Coo-ston.
Speaking of birds,
come on in, ladies.
The water's warm.
[upbeat funky music]
♪
Mr. Julius!
Just the man for my current,
very exclusive inventory.
I got Cliff Notes on the play
so you can pretend
you paid attention, glasses with
open eyes painted on them,
and for $25,
I'll even go in there
and scream,
that's my baby girl!
I already picked
Tonya a fresh bouquet
of lovely free dandelions.
But do you have a transistor
radio, size small?
Let me guess-
for the Dodgers game?
I could do you one better.
Check this-
a Toby WatchDonkey.
[laughs]
Wow!
The future is here.
Enjoy the show.
Oh, I will--
both of them.
[sniffing]
[gagging]
L, K, J--
J for Jackie!
Good sign.
Ugh.
He stank.
Seat 42.
[crowd] Ugh!
Perfect!
[crowd cheering]
And we're off
to see the wizard.
[mellow music]
[pebble splashing]
[seagull squawks, shrieks]
♪
[laughter]
[Chris] I was having so much fun
with the Atlantic City version
of my mother
I almost forgot
about "WrestleMania."
Chris, T minus 5 hours
to Andre having
five cracked vertebrae.
Ditch your mom already!
Hey, smells worse
than Andre's giant ass in here.
Dessert,
courtesy of Auntie Mimi.
[Chris]
I didn't know what to do.
Now the only thing nagging
me was my conscience.
[funky music]
[pigeon cooing]
So you, uh,
come around here often?
Outside, yeah.
But I've never been inside.
Hey, could you
please keep it down?
Goliath Nickelpasture says,
"Focus is the locus
of hocus pocus."
Drewy, stop doing magic
and get me something to drink.
Okay, that's it.
I have 20 scarves
up my sleeve that
I haven't been able to remove
because you all keep talking!
Ya gotta go.
What?
No!
Marisol called me "Gus."
That's the closest
a girl has ever gotten
to saying my name right.
Well, Goliath does say the
best way to improve your craft
is to perform
in front of others.
[sighs] I guess
you can be others.
Thank you.
Marisol, Mya,
I got three tickets
to the hottest show
in town-
the great Drewdini.
[mystical music]
♪
[applause]
Wait, how did you do that?
That was amazing!
Drew, let me be
your assistant!
No, I wanna be
your assistant!
Turn me into a
baby bunny, Drew!
Saw me in half, Drew!
Okay, that's it!
I will be Drew's assistant.
I'm really bendy.
I was born with
an extra kneecap.
You're hired.
[both] Aw!
♪
Mmm.
Auntie Mimi might just
be my favorite relative.
Ooh, I need to win
me those earrings.
You ditching her
or what, brother?
You into Hulkamania
or Mama-mania?
[groans]
[grunts]
Yes!
We have a winner.
And I have a new
pair of earrings.
Hand 'em over.
Actually, you know what?
I want that wrestling shirt.
What?
I thought you hated wrestling.
I do.
I hate a lot of things,
but I don't see any harm
in you having this T-shirt,
as long as you're not
getting in the wrestling ring.
What if I was ringside?
What are those?
Uh, I won tickets to
"WrestleMania IV" tonight.
I really wanna go, but I
didn't know how to tell you.
You think I'll let you go
to a wrestling match alone?
Yeah, I know.
What time we gotta be there?
[gasps]
Oh, close your jaw.
If it means that much to
you, I'll suffer through it.
Plus, I wanna see this
hunk of a beefcake.
He looks like
Staten Island Julius.
[jaunty piano music]
I'm going to
get you, Dorothy!
Oh, whoa, whoa, ow.
Yes!
He's out of there!
[piano clangs]
And on his way to Broadway.
Ugh.
So rude.
My lady is trying
to enjoy the show.
Excuse me, sir.
Clearly, you're
watching baseball on TV,
and it's distracting everyone.
You have to give up
the game or get out.
[tense music]
Game.
I choose game.
[commentator] It might be.
[crowd cheering]
It is a home run--
Woo--
- for the Dodgers!
- daddio--
Oh.
I'm sorry, Dodgers,
but my baby comes first.
[upbeat rock music]
You know, it's dope you
wanted to come with me to this.
I never knew how cool you were.
So now you think
I'm cool, huh?
Yeah.
I'm surprised, too.
[laughter]
Especially because at
home, you're such a nag.
What did you just call me?
[gulps] Uh, I was, uh--
what I meant was--
You know what?
No wrestling.
Vacation's over.
We're going home.
[bell dings]
Ugh!
Ahh!
[Chris] That was the day
that I learned to mothers,
the N-word is "nag."
Rah!
[screams]
For my next trick, I need
my distinguished assistant
to please--
Boo!
You suck, Gus!
- to please
reach into the top hat
and tell me what you feel.
Nothing?
Hmm.
Alakazam!
Now, check your pants.
Holy crap!
I did it!
[laughter]
Drew, people have
to see your magic act.
Maybe you should be
at amateur night.
Would you ladies want to--
[pigeon wing fluttering]
No!
Whitney's turban!
No, the girls!
Ah, they'll regret leaving
once we hit the big-time.
[upbeat music]
[Tonya] Ouch!
My butt is gonna have
silver footprints
for weeks!
[laughter]
That's my brick baby.
Woo-daddio!
[upbeat funky music]
That was the most
convincing performance
of a brick I've ever seen!
I'll never step
on a brick the same way.
You were amazing!
Thank you.
But did you hear?
The Dodgers won!
They did?
Must be because I tied
my shoes with bunny ears,
just like the last
time they won!
You did what?
[gentle music]
Oh, my.
I even whispered "woo-daddio"
while I was waiting to go on,
just in case it helped!
[Chris] It was then that
my dad realized
all his superstitions
had nothing to do
with the Dodgers winning.
Oh!
Tonya was the only good
luck charm
he'd ever needed.
[upbeat music]
[gasps]
[sighs]
What a pigsty.
How many times do I have to
ask you guys to do something?
[clock tolling]
[Chris] That weekend, I realized if she was naggin',
it's 'cause we were slackin'.
Time to get up, sweetie.
Move it,
Sleeping Beauty,
before I whoop your
sleeping booty!
Ah!
[Chris] If she was yellin',
it's 'cause we were smellin'.
Uh-uh, go change, boy!
I've got rags less
raggedy than you.
[Chris] If she was trippin',
it's 'cause we were slippin'.
You didn't set the rat trap.
Now the rat has
a butcher knife.
[rats squeaking]
You're just trying
to rat protect
your rat family, Rat Mama.
Wait!
Never mind.
Mom, I know Dad
has two jobs,
but I never realized that
you have about 100
unpaid,
unrecognized jobs
that keep our family together.
I'm sorry I called
you the N-word--
the other N-word.
Thanks, Chris.
That means a lot.
[sighs]
I love you, Mom.
And I appreciate
everything you do for me.
I love you, too, son.
[record needle scratches]
[Chris] Guys, come on!
I was a teenage boy.
I didn't learn that lesson
till I had my own kids.
This is what really went down.
[tape rewinding]
[sighs]
What a pigsty.
I'll be in my
room until I'm 21.
If I let you live that long.
[mellow music]
♪
Oh, God! Ah!
[rat squeaking]
I told you to
set that rat trap.
[singers] Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
Ladies and gentlemen, how
about a nice Apollo welcome
for the great Drewdini?
[audience booing]
[man] Look at these fools!
This is the Apollo,
not Chuck E. Cheese!
Uh, for my, uh,
first trick--
Boo!
You suck!
[heartbeat thumping]
Say something before we
get yanked off the stage.
Uh, for my first
trick, I will, uh,
make this white boy
disappear!
[cheers and applause]
[drumroll]
Hey, what the--
Sorry, Greg.
Alakazam!
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat closing music]
MTV ♪
[hip-hop music]
[Chris] My mother was
always on my ass.
She nagged me in the morning.
Move it, Sleeping Beauty,
before I whoop
your sleeping booty!
Ah!
[Chris] She nagged me at noon.
Uh-uh, go change, boy!
I've got rags less
raggedy than you.
[Chris] She nagged me at night.
Get your elbows
off the table.
You know it's only
being held up by tape.
[Chris] And of course,
she nagged me
when I talked to girls.
So Greg and I are gonna go
to amateur night at the Apollo
this weekend if you wanna--
Chris, get in here!
You didn't set the rat trap.
Now the rat has
a butcher knife.
[sighs] Wait!
Never mind.
Your eyes are almost
as pretty as mine.
[giggling]
[Chris] And worst of all,
she nagged me
when I was trying to win
tickets to "WrestleMania IV."
[grunts]
[man in radio] Do you love
Andre the Giant? Yes.
Are you wrestling with
your own pillow right now?
[grunts] Yes.
Well, you're in luck,
because "WrestleMania IV" is
coming to the New York area.
No way.
They're coming here?
Boy, are you wrestling yourself
again and messing up
my good pillows?
No.
I--
Look, I told you.
You're a Black boy.
You don't have the
luxury of fake fighting.
I don't wanna see or hear
another thing about wrestling.
I promise.
Nothing about wrestling.
Hi, I'm calling
about wrestling.
You're the third caller,
and you'll be our winner
if you can tell me
Jesse Ventura's nickname.
That's easy--
Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
Congratulations!
You've just won two
tickets to "WrestleMania IV"!
[humming]
We'll see you in
Atlantic City Sunday night!
Uh-- uh-- uh, Atlantic City?
How the hell
am I gonna get there?
[Rochelle] Boy, if you don't set
the table, I'ma smack
you into the next state!
[Chris] That would do it.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
[Chris] My dad's favorite
team, the Dodgers,
were one game away from
heading to the World Series.
So he wasn't just
superstitious,
he was super-duper-stitious.
[sniffs] You gotta
wash your jersey, Daddy.
I wore this when
the Dodgers won
the World Series in '81, and I
can't wash that
good luck off, baby.
[commentator] The Dodgers just
need one more out.
Mwah.
And here comes the pitch--
Strike 3!
Yeah!
[both] Woo-daddio!
We'll be right back with
the National League playoffs.
Okay, baby.
Wanna practice your
lines for "The Wiz"?
Not lines, line.
Hey, your one line is gonna
be better than every other line
in that play.
I don't know.
I don't feel like
I've ever nailed it.
Let me hear what you've
got, Yellow Brick Number 5.
[exhales]
Ouch!
My butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks!
Wait, where did Tonya go?
Because that's not my daughter.
That is a real brick!
Oh, Daddy.
Now, where are my Ron Cey
signature batting gloves?
Why do you need
to wear gloves?
You ain't batting.
[scoffs]
[both] To eat ribs!
Rochelle, you know if I
don't eat a rib every inning,
the Dodgers will lose.
I know if you eat
that much sauced meat,
your gout's gonna flare up.
I have to, for the Dodgers.
Well, I better get going.
I'm off to visit Auntie
Mimi in Atlantic City.
She pulled her quad
whooping cousin Titi.
Oh, are you heading out?
[sighs] I sure am worried
about Auntie Mimi.
It would do my heart a world
of good to come with you
and see her.
[Chris] Whoa, daddio!
You're worried about an
auntie you never even met?
I don't think so.
Are you at least gonna walk
me to the car, Mr. Dodgers?
Of course, baby.
I'm walking you right now.
I have 126 sand
grains' worth of time.
All right.
Bye, Tonya.
Mommy loves-- ah!
[Chris] There went my free ride
to Atlantic City
and my only shot
at seeing fake
fighting till
"Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills."
Don't let me come
home to a pigsty.
Mm-hmm.
And don't forget, Tonya's
final performance of "The Wiz"
is on Sunday.
Mm-hmm.
Tonya's wonderful,
but prepare yourself.
It's 3 1/2 hours,
no intermission.
Yeah, got it, Sunday.
Love you.
Goodbye.
[pigeon cooing]
[grumbles]
[wings fluttering]
Shh!
Could you mope more quietly?
I'm trying to catch a
pigeon for my magic act.
Magic act?
"Goliath Nickelpasture's
Illusions
for Beginning Magicians."
How are you the one girls want?
Hmm.
You got any tricks to make
me appear in Atlantic City?
Why don't you hitchhike?
People are always
offering me rides.
[funky music]
♪
[drink splatting]
[sizzling]
So hitchhiking didn't work.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
that pigeon was so chubby!
Can you please go watch the
game with Dad or something?
I would, but he never lets
me stay past the third inning
because I touch a bobblehead
wrong or something.
I never make it past
the national anthem.
One time, he even kicked me
all the way out the house.
Wait, he kicked you out?
Thanks, Drew.
Silence!
[cheering on TV]
Daddy, Chris touched
a bobblehead.
Chris, don't touch anything!
Sorry, Dad, but gee
whiz, these are cool.
Is Auntie Mimi
a fan of bobbleheads?
Boy, you gonna have
a bobblehead if you
don't sit down and be quiet!
And that's a hard
hit over right field.
This one's going, going--
[both] Woo-daddio!
"Boo-daddio" is what
Auntie Mimi will say
when Mom shows up without me.
- going--
[audience groaning]
Not gone?
Wow.
Bad luck for the Dodgers.
Daddy, Chris jinxed us!
Chris, you're gonna
ruin this for me!
I told you to be quiet!
Maybe I should leave.
What'd I just say?
Zip it!
[Chris] It was time
for the big guns.
And with that double
play to end the inning,
things are looking
up for the Mets.
All right!
Let's go, Mets.
Oh, hell no.
[funky music]
Mm, mm, mm.
[sighs]
Here's $20.
[straining]
This is Aunt Mimi's address.
When you get there,
be sure to tell
your mother why I sent you.
Okay, Dad, I will.
[Chris] No, I won't.
I was 17 and headed to
Atlantic City on my own.
♪
Welcome to Atlantic
City, brother.
"WrestleMania," here I come!
[woman] Whoo!
Whee!
Whoo!
Mom?
[gasps]
Chris!
[upbeat music]
[retching]
Chris!
What are you doing here?
Dad sent me away because
I was cheering for the Mets.
What are you doing here?
Why do you have different hair?
Why are you wearing sandals?
Where's Auntie Mimi?
[sighs]
There is no Auntie Mimi.
Well, there is,
but we're not connected
by blood, just by taffy.
You lied?
[sighs] Look, I love your
father more than anything,
but I can't be in that house
when he watches the playoffs.
It's just too much!
So when he goes extra
crazy, I just tell him
I'm visiting a sick relative
so I can take a break,
wear this wig,
and get my sanity back.
[Chris] Back then, white people
had couples' therapy.
Black people
had Atlantic City.
But if you're here,
I don't get my break.
So you gotta go home.
I can't go home.
Dad will kill me.
And bury you in the dirt
he saved from Ebbets Field.
Yeah, I know.
[both chuckling]
[retching]
All right, you can stay.
But you gotta do what
I plan to do, OK?
Come on.
Hey, your mom's hot.
Bring her to "WrestleMania"
with you so I can
make you another
brother, brother.
Yeah, that's not happening.
She'd never let me go,
and I don't want her there.
Well, then you gotta
ditch her 'cause I'm gonna
do something new.
Instead of bashing people
with folding chairs,
I'm gonna try an office chair!
Chris!
Stop ogling that billboard!
It's time for mani-pedis.
[retching]
Ditch her!
[funky music]
[aggressive tone] Ouch!
My butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks.
[lighter tone] Ouch,
my butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks.
[in British accent] Blimey,
my butt is gonna have
silver footprints for weeks!
You don't wanna
over-rehearse.
That last one was perfect.
Shh, shh, shh.
We're one out away.
[commentator] Howard Johnson
comes to the plate.
Quick, hand me my Howard
Johnson voodoo doll.
No, no, not that
one, the other one!
He's out!
That's the ball game!
The Dodgers are going
to the World Series!
We did it, baby!
[both] Woo-daddio!
We'll see you Sunday night
for game one
of the World Series.
Wait, Sunday night?
That's the final
performance of my musical!
Huh. Too bad you'll have
to miss the game, Daddy.
[Chris] The Dodgers may have
been going to the series,
but every time I tried to
ditch my mom, I struck out.
Mom,
we can't afford all this.
I'll just go get a hot
dog on the boardwalk.
See ya.
No, stay.
I got a free night
and food vouchers
for attending some dumb
timeshare presentation.
So sit down and eat
your free crab cakes!
[Chris] Strike three.
Boy, didn't I raise
you better than that?
Sorry.
I know.
No elbows on the table.
No, I mean, you can't have
mashed potatoes without gravy.
You want a river
or a swimming pool?
What? What?
Come on, Chris.
It's our special trip
to Atlantic City.
We gotta have fun with it.
River or swimming pool?
Both.
[Chris] Apparently, my mom
could actually be fun?
♪
[announcer] The first pitch
of the World Series
is tonight at 7:10,
and it may be a
game-time decision
whether Julius
will be watching
his team or his daughter.
[gasps]
[in Spanish]
You can't run from this, Julio!
You need to make a choice!
Ay, dios mio!
[in English]
What would Jackie do?
[bobblehead clicking]
That's right.
You were a utility player.
You think I could
be a utility player, too,
and man both positions?
Thanks, Jackie.
Okay, chill, man.
You made your point.
♪
I can't hide
doves down there.
It'd tickle too much.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Drew? It's Greg.
Is Chris around?
We're supposed to go
to the Apollo tonight.
I'm so excited I'll finally
get to bully someone!
Um, Dad made Chris
leave the city
because he cheered for the Mets.
I'm the only one home.
An empty apartment?
You could be getting in there
in every room in the house!
I could do that any time.
[crowd] Drew! Drew! Drew,
over here! Drew! Drew!
I know you're all
excited to see Drew,
but we need a nice line here.
The fire marshal's
been on our ass.
[crowd] Drew! Drew!
Man, sometimes I think your
good looks are wasted on you.
No, I actually use
them all the time.
Hey, you're a nerd.
Are doves and pigeons the same?
[doorbell rings]
Yeah, they're both birds.
Damn, Greg!
Thanks!
I shall name her
Whitney Coo-ston.
Speaking of birds,
come on in, ladies.
The water's warm.
[upbeat funky music]
♪
Mr. Julius!
Just the man for my current,
very exclusive inventory.
I got Cliff Notes on the play
so you can pretend
you paid attention, glasses with
open eyes painted on them,
and for $25,
I'll even go in there
and scream,
that's my baby girl!
I already picked
Tonya a fresh bouquet
of lovely free dandelions.
But do you have a transistor
radio, size small?
Let me guess-
for the Dodgers game?
I could do you one better.
Check this-
a Toby WatchDonkey.
[laughs]
Wow!
The future is here.
Enjoy the show.
Oh, I will--
both of them.
[sniffing]
[gagging]
L, K, J--
J for Jackie!
Good sign.
Ugh.
He stank.
Seat 42.
[crowd] Ugh!
Perfect!
[crowd cheering]
And we're off
to see the wizard.
[mellow music]
[pebble splashing]
[seagull squawks, shrieks]
♪
[laughter]
[Chris] I was having so much fun
with the Atlantic City version
of my mother
I almost forgot
about "WrestleMania."
Chris, T minus 5 hours
to Andre having
five cracked vertebrae.
Ditch your mom already!
Hey, smells worse
than Andre's giant ass in here.
Dessert,
courtesy of Auntie Mimi.
[Chris]
I didn't know what to do.
Now the only thing nagging
me was my conscience.
[funky music]
[pigeon cooing]
So you, uh,
come around here often?
Outside, yeah.
But I've never been inside.
Hey, could you
please keep it down?
Goliath Nickelpasture says,
"Focus is the locus
of hocus pocus."
Drewy, stop doing magic
and get me something to drink.
Okay, that's it.
I have 20 scarves
up my sleeve that
I haven't been able to remove
because you all keep talking!
Ya gotta go.
What?
No!
Marisol called me "Gus."
That's the closest
a girl has ever gotten
to saying my name right.
Well, Goliath does say the
best way to improve your craft
is to perform
in front of others.
[sighs] I guess
you can be others.
Thank you.
Marisol, Mya,
I got three tickets
to the hottest show
in town-
the great Drewdini.
[mystical music]
♪
[applause]
Wait, how did you do that?
That was amazing!
Drew, let me be
your assistant!
No, I wanna be
your assistant!
Turn me into a
baby bunny, Drew!
Saw me in half, Drew!
Okay, that's it!
I will be Drew's assistant.
I'm really bendy.
I was born with
an extra kneecap.
You're hired.
[both] Aw!
♪
Mmm.
Auntie Mimi might just
be my favorite relative.
Ooh, I need to win
me those earrings.
You ditching her
or what, brother?
You into Hulkamania
or Mama-mania?
[groans]
[grunts]
Yes!
We have a winner.
And I have a new
pair of earrings.
Hand 'em over.
Actually, you know what?
I want that wrestling shirt.
What?
I thought you hated wrestling.
I do.
I hate a lot of things,
but I don't see any harm
in you having this T-shirt,
as long as you're not
getting in the wrestling ring.
What if I was ringside?
What are those?
Uh, I won tickets to
"WrestleMania IV" tonight.
I really wanna go, but I
didn't know how to tell you.
You think I'll let you go
to a wrestling match alone?
Yeah, I know.
What time we gotta be there?
[gasps]
Oh, close your jaw.
If it means that much to
you, I'll suffer through it.
Plus, I wanna see this
hunk of a beefcake.
He looks like
Staten Island Julius.
[jaunty piano music]
I'm going to
get you, Dorothy!
Oh, whoa, whoa, ow.
Yes!
He's out of there!
[piano clangs]
And on his way to Broadway.
Ugh.
So rude.
My lady is trying
to enjoy the show.
Excuse me, sir.
Clearly, you're
watching baseball on TV,
and it's distracting everyone.
You have to give up
the game or get out.
[tense music]
Game.
I choose game.
[commentator] It might be.
[crowd cheering]
It is a home run--
Woo--
- for the Dodgers!
- daddio--
Oh.
I'm sorry, Dodgers,
but my baby comes first.
[upbeat rock music]
You know, it's dope you
wanted to come with me to this.
I never knew how cool you were.
So now you think
I'm cool, huh?
Yeah.
I'm surprised, too.
[laughter]
Especially because at
home, you're such a nag.
What did you just call me?
[gulps] Uh, I was, uh--
what I meant was--
You know what?
No wrestling.
Vacation's over.
We're going home.
[bell dings]
Ugh!
Ahh!
[Chris] That was the day
that I learned to mothers,
the N-word is "nag."
Rah!
[screams]
For my next trick, I need
my distinguished assistant
to please--
Boo!
You suck, Gus!
- to please
reach into the top hat
and tell me what you feel.
Nothing?
Hmm.
Alakazam!
Now, check your pants.
Holy crap!
I did it!
[laughter]
Drew, people have
to see your magic act.
Maybe you should be
at amateur night.
Would you ladies want to--
[pigeon wing fluttering]
No!
Whitney's turban!
No, the girls!
Ah, they'll regret leaving
once we hit the big-time.
[upbeat music]
[Tonya] Ouch!
My butt is gonna have
silver footprints
for weeks!
[laughter]
That's my brick baby.
Woo-daddio!
[upbeat funky music]
That was the most
convincing performance
of a brick I've ever seen!
I'll never step
on a brick the same way.
You were amazing!
Thank you.
But did you hear?
The Dodgers won!
They did?
Must be because I tied
my shoes with bunny ears,
just like the last
time they won!
You did what?
[gentle music]
Oh, my.
I even whispered "woo-daddio"
while I was waiting to go on,
just in case it helped!
[Chris] It was then that
my dad realized
all his superstitions
had nothing to do
with the Dodgers winning.
Oh!
Tonya was the only good
luck charm
he'd ever needed.
[upbeat music]
[gasps]
[sighs]
What a pigsty.
How many times do I have to
ask you guys to do something?
[clock tolling]
[Chris] That weekend, I realized if she was naggin',
it's 'cause we were slackin'.
Time to get up, sweetie.
Move it,
Sleeping Beauty,
before I whoop your
sleeping booty!
Ah!
[Chris] If she was yellin',
it's 'cause we were smellin'.
Uh-uh, go change, boy!
I've got rags less
raggedy than you.
[Chris] If she was trippin',
it's 'cause we were slippin'.
You didn't set the rat trap.
Now the rat has
a butcher knife.
[rats squeaking]
You're just trying
to rat protect
your rat family, Rat Mama.
Wait!
Never mind.
Mom, I know Dad
has two jobs,
but I never realized that
you have about 100
unpaid,
unrecognized jobs
that keep our family together.
I'm sorry I called
you the N-word--
the other N-word.
Thanks, Chris.
That means a lot.
[sighs]
I love you, Mom.
And I appreciate
everything you do for me.
I love you, too, son.
[record needle scratches]
[Chris] Guys, come on!
I was a teenage boy.
I didn't learn that lesson
till I had my own kids.
This is what really went down.
[tape rewinding]
[sighs]
What a pigsty.
I'll be in my
room until I'm 21.
If I let you live that long.
[mellow music]
♪
Oh, God! Ah!
[rat squeaking]
I told you to
set that rat trap.
[singers] Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
Ladies and gentlemen, how
about a nice Apollo welcome
for the great Drewdini?
[audience booing]
[man] Look at these fools!
This is the Apollo,
not Chuck E. Cheese!
Uh, for my, uh,
first trick--
Boo!
You suck!
[heartbeat thumping]
Say something before we
get yanked off the stage.
Uh, for my first
trick, I will, uh,
make this white boy
disappear!
[cheers and applause]
[drumroll]
Hey, what the--
Sorry, Greg.
Alakazam!
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat closing music]
MTV ♪