My Three Sons (1960) s01e19 Episode Script
Organization Woman
1
(theme song plays)
(doorbell rings)
Come in, Frank.
Harriet, you almost ready to go?
Right on time. That's my boy.
I'll just be a moment.
Sorry, dear.
Got a little behind schedule, but
Harriet
I know how you hate to wait. Yeah.
Wasted time is time never to be regained.
Harriet Right? Right!
Rule number one:
Never keep an efficiency expert waiting.
Is that what you were going to say?
Harriet! Got my ticket?
Your seat reservation's all set.
Uh, you'll have to confirm reservation,
though, on the return trip
eight hours before time of departure.
Well I'll just get my purse and gloves, and we're off.
Harriet.
Every day in every way,
I'm growing more and more efficient.
Let's go.
Frank? Frank?
Frank? The bags.
Ready to say good-bye.
I haven't even had a chance to say hello.
Please, darling,
I hope we're not going to have another quarrel.
I know how you hate my disorganization,
but I'm trying, Frank, I really am trying.
Harriet, you're not listening to me again.
Well, I am too listening.
What did you say?
I said I wanted to kiss you.
Oh, is that what you said?
I wanted to kiss you hello
before I had to kiss you good-bye.
Oh, Frank, I'm sorry.
It's just been so long since I've seen Steve
and Mike and Robbie and and Chip.
I bet he's grown so.
Harriet, look, I don't mean
to compete on the same level
with your brother and nephews, but
Oh, Frank.
And Bub, dear old Bub.
(barking)
Boy, it's nice to see Aunt Harriet.
She sure picked a fine time to visit,
all this virus running around town. (Coughing)
What do you mean running around town?
That virus has settled right down here
at 837 Mill Street.
And that's not any newfangled virus.
It's just a common, ordinary, old-fashioned,
everyday, blow-your-nose cold.
And I got it good.
Oh, Robbie, I got all my junk out of the way.
You can bring your Aunt Harriet's stuff in here now.
Is Aunt Harriet a real kind of aunt
or a babysitter kind of aunt?
What you talkin' about, Chip?
She's Dad's sister, you know that.
Yeah.
Hey, will you quit shoving?
Come on, Robbie!
Robbie, don't keep pullin' and tugging.
I gotta get in here.
Gangway, I got my hands full.
Robbie, come on now, back up.
BUB: Let me have that shoe.
Ow! Get off me!
He's standing on my head!
Come on, Robbie, let me have some room.
Don't try to (all clamoring)
CHIP: Will you just let go of it!
That's the funniest thing I've seen since my boss
got his tie caught in the mimeograph machine.
(all clamoring)
Thanks.
I used to be great at untangling kite strings.
I, I can't hold it.
Hey!
Hold it, fellas. Stand still.
Doggone it, Harriet, we should have had all this done
before you got here.
Oh, don't be silly.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
You've got lots to look forward to.
Nothing but bottlenecks and traffic jams
24 hours a day around here.
I just wish Frank could see it.
What a challenge for an efficiency expert.
Who's Frank?
Too darn bad Steve had to
be out of town for half your visit.
Oh, well, we'll have a week together.
Who's Frank?
Frank's the one that keeps on
"gonna be our uncle" one of these days.
Very nicely put, Robbie.
Well, there you are. All unsnarled.
Thank you, Harriet.
What we need around here is a little organization.
What we need around here is a lot of organization.
As Frank would say, it's a challenge, a real challenge.
(blows loud riff)
I warned you!
Now I'm gonna blast you out of there!
For heaven's sake!
Please! Now knock it off!
I'm not gonna knock it off till you get out of there!
I'll get out of here when I'm darn good and ready and I
Well, I'm not gonna go
Now go downstairs and wait!
Boys, look, you don't have to talk that loud.
Fellas, now come on. Please be quiet.
You always put my towel on the wet floor.
You're not making sense.
(whistles sharply)
Hey!
You boys want waffles for breakfast or not?
Waffles? Mm-hmm.
Boy, I'll say.
With sausage or ham?
Or both if you want it.
Well, it sounds great.
Waffles?
If you'll all pitch in and help me work out
a little surprise for your father.
Well, what kind of a surprise?
Well, when your father comes home,
I'd like him to walk into an organized household
where everything functions efficiently.
I don't get it.
She means surprise Dad by knocking off
all the stupid arguments we're always having.
Stupid? Look who's talking. You should talk.
I mean, you're always hogging this bathroom.
Look, how can you have an organized house
when this kid keeps yelling?
Gee, you're at it again.
Kid! Who you calling kid, knucklehead?
I'm calling you a kid.
You get in this bathroom, you make a
Why, see? That's just what I mean.
Everybody's going in different directions.
Now what we all have to do is get going
in the same direction.
But as Frank says, the boat won't move
unless everyone pulls his own weight.
How 'bout it? Well, okay.
I'm willing to try
if you can stuff it into his head. Fine.
I'll work out a plan of organization tonight
and go over it with you during waffles in the morning.
Yeah, well, how am I?
And now for our first step towards efficiency,
Robbie, you use my bathroom downstairs. Good.
And Mike, you hurry up so Chip can brush his teeth. Okay.
When your father gets home,
I'll have this house so organized,
he won't recognize it.
Can we have some pancakes
with some blueberry syrup with it?
HARRIET: Now don't worry. It's really very simple.
Of course, for the first couple of days,
we can expect a little confusion,
but by the end of the week, we should be able
to give your father a real surprise for his homecoming.
Well, waffles in the dining room, huh?
Kinda fancy.
Kitchen's for cooking, dining room for eating.
Now these are your individual activity charts.
The abbreviations on the obverse side
can be decoded by means of the key on the reverse side.
Whoosh!
I'm about ready for another waffle, Harriet.
Coming right up.
Hey Jeepers, Aunt Harriet.
Here at 7:30, I've got A, B and C.
I can't read it. What's it mean?
And Chip's only got BT.
And here down at 3:00, I have S, P, and BP.
And Chip only has LS. How come?
You don't even know what you're complaining about.
Turn it over and read it.
Oh! BK, "breakfast," I, "ironing," I, "laundry."
Wow! Look at all the stuff that Bub has to do.
Brother! Between 8:30 and 9:30,
he's got a WD, DD, and P, D, A, CK and I and CSP. Wow!
Better look out, Harriet, you're gonna spoil me.
I'm liable to get used to this getting up late
and having breakfast fixed for me.
GU means "get up."
I get up at 7:15.
Right. You're catching on quickly.
Now, let's have a little quiz to make sure
we understand this much before I give you the rest.
Harriet, these are the best waffles I've ever eaten.
Thank you.
Now, ready, everybody?
7:45. What about you, Bub?
No, thanks, I couldn't eat another bite.
These are good, I tell you.
No, we're going to have a dry run.
Pick up your individual chart with the key on the back.
My what?
Here, this is yours, Bub.
Just read across.
Oh, uh Now, 7:45. Chip?
BT. Brush teeth.
Right.
Robbie?
MB. Make bed.
Good. Mike?
DR. Dress.
Uh-huh. And, Bub?
Bub?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Uh, SBKT and I.
(chuckles)
Sounds like some Eastern railroad.
Now, check your key.
What?
Well, here, Bub, it's on the back.
See? At 7:45, you SBKT and I.
Serve breakfast to Tramp and then do the laundry.
Serve breakfast to Tramp?
Heh! Let him get his own breakfast.
(laughs): Yes. Now, you will
notice that I staggered the use
of the bathroom and the telephone
and scheduled separate breakfasts.
I think that will eliminate some of the major bottlenecks.
That way, Bub, you can get CTWD, DD, PDA, CK and I, and CSP
out of the way so you can KK and GL at 10:00. Clear?
Everyone all straight?
GU get up.
WFS wash face and shave, huh?
Now, these two floor plans of the house
indicate to me an ideal traffic pattern.
The downstairs is the little complex.
But with the exception of the flow
from the living room to the kitchen
and from the front door to the living room,
all traffic bears to the right.
Simple?
Looks like a bunch of ocean currents to me.
Yeah. The upstairs looks like the Japanese currents,
and, uh, and the downstairs like the Gulf Stream.
Hey, Harriet, you got me getting up
and washing my face before the chart even starts.
Well, actually, you don't have to do
these things above the line when it says.
Anytime between 5:00 and 6:00 is
all right, or even earlier, if you wish.
Oh.
Now, upstairs you will note
that all traffic bears to the right.
Regarding the downstairs, you would do well
(ringing) to study the use of the doors.
What's that?
Time to LV sorry, you'll have to MV
and CU and BT as best you can this morning.
Come on, let's go. Hurry, now.
Oh, no, don't take your plates.
I'll take care of that.
Not that way.
I'll put up some signs later, it'll explain why not.
Okay. Hurry, now, let's go can't
be late, you know. (Boys talking)
You have to hurry to be on time to school.
And if you study your charts during the day,
I'm sure we'll be on schedule by this afternoon. Bye.
Hurry, now.
Oh, Harriet. This simple apparatus
will keep us on schedule to start with. Harriet.
Of course, these audio stimuli will be obsolete
as soon as we start responding kinesthetically.
Harriet, I can see where I GU and WFS
between 5:00 and 6:00, but where do I BUB?
What?
BUB?
Well, that's your name.
Oh, yeah.
(dings)
Okay, let's hurry and CT and WD
so we can DD and TDA at 8:45.
BUB.
I'm so fouled up, I don't even know my own name.
♪♪
(bell dings)
I'm sorry I overslept.
I don't know what's the matter with that darn alarm clock.
Well, I know why mine didn't ring.
I forgot to set it.
And another thing,
I don't know how I'm gonna I,
FL, and ST all at the same time.
I'll I.
Fine thing, five days we operate with clockwork precision.
And here on the day Steve is coming back
What's the matter with you, Tramp, can't you read.
Get down. I'll feed you next.
Hey, kids, we LV in 25 minutes.
Chip, BK right now.
I'm the one who gummed up the works.
And after I spent 20 minutes on the phone last night
bragging to him about the big surprise we have.
Oh, that's all right.
He probably won't show up till after lunch.
And by that time, we'll have everything in shipshape.
Don't worry.
Late. Right.
Hurry. How long? Five.
Robbie, BR and MB, so you can BK in five.
They're up to their little surprises.
(bell dings) That's it.
Hurry.
Robbie!
My gosh, Dad's home already. Jeepers, Dad, it's you.
Oh, hi, fellas.
You're early.
Yeah. Well I, uh, thought I'd surprise you.
Say, what are those signs? We're late.
Well, that's normal.
Oh, I gotta BR and CT.
He's got to what?
Yeah, and I gotta BK so I can BT and LV in 15.
You what?
Okay, BTR.
(Tramp barks)
Hey, Mike, get going, DRMB and CU
so you can Bub, what's going on?
Oh my gosh!
Harriet, don't go in the dining room,
Steve's here. You haven't done BKD yet.
Robbie, you know better than to use this door.
Get out of the way!
Robbie, for heaven's sake.
Hi, Harriet.
No, oh, no.
What are you doing here?
You weren't supposed to be here till after lunch.
What's this thing here?
Are you still here?
Get going. Hi, Mike.
Dad.
Hurry. SBKM.
How come you're home?
Well I thought I'd surprise you all, but
Hurry, Mike.
But you knew we were trying to surprise you.
Gangway, coming through BKM.
I, I know, Harriet.
Well just sit down, Steve.
We'll try to fit you in somewhere.
MIKE: You forgot to CU the BR again.
I did not, that's Chip's mess.
(bell dings)
BUB: Okay. Time to LV.
HARRIET: Oh no, come on, boys, hurry up.
Time to leave. Time to leave. Come on team, come on Chip.
You can eat it on the way, don't worry about it.
Hurry up, Robbie.
Not that way, Robbie, you can read.
I forgot, Harriet. Here are your books.
Snap to.
Come on, Mike, you don't need to do that.
Here are your books. Where are my books, my jacket
(alarm clock ringing) Will you shut it off?
MIKE: There we go, Robbie.
(phone ringing)
Hurry up you guys, I'm late with my WD.
Steve, will you please shut it
Oh, the phone.
Answer the BT, Tub. What?
I mean, Bub.
That's a boy, come on.
BUB: Hello.
HARRIET: There you are. Yeah.
Hurry up you, three, four, get out of here.
Time to LV.
Chip, come on. Bye, Dad.
See you later. Bye.
So long, Dad. Hello, hello.
Harriet Hello.
Hmm?
Oh. I'm Steve Douglas, your brother.
I used to live here.
Now wait a minute, Steve, I haven't had my coffee yet.
Harriet, will you tell me what's going on around here?
What's all this?
That, dear brother, was going to be your surprise.
This floor plan.
Do you mean we have a traffic pattern in the house?
That's why I couldn't come in the back door?
You can only go out the back door?
So this is the reason for all that WPA ICB MF CC talk.
Harriet, what are you trying to do around here?
I had it all done till you showed up.
Now look, Harriet No bottlenecks, no traffic jams.
Maybe according to your standards,
we, according to your standards
No fights over the bathroom
we haven't operated too efficient around here, but
Frank says our only hope in this world is efficiency.
I was lucky enough to get off of this,
off of this Baltimore project early
We have to schedule our time, he says.
Sooner than I thought I get your
house running like a well-oiled machine
I come here to surprise you and what do I get?
When a big 6 foot 2 monkey wrench like Steve Douglas
I walk in the front door and
nobody looks like I ever entered.
Frank says efficiency is our only answer.
Nonsensical lingo.
Frank says, if we don't get efficiency,
then we're all gonna go to the dogs.
Frank says? Franks says, that's
all he's been doing for six years.
If you're both such efficiency experts,
why don't you schedule a time to get married?
I'm sorry, Harriet.
(door slams)
Well, we better CT and WD so we can KK and GL at 10:00.
Well, Steve Oh
Where are you going? I may be back
if my sister can fit me into her schedule!
BUB: Hey! You can't go out that door.
Oh, yeah?
(slams door)
My gosh, he did.
(bell dings)
Bub! It's 5:00.
Time to S and DC, so we can FD in 30.
Let's see, Chip's OD, and Robbie, um
Isn't he scheduled home now?
Well, that's funny.
I wonder what happened to my chart.
Did you see Steve?
Steve?
Yeah, the wagon's in the driveway.
I thought he'd be down here.
Bub did you do anything with my charts?
No, I didn't.
Where are they?
HARRIET: Well, I'm not sure,
but I'm afraid I have a pretty good idea.
Oh, Harriet, I've just been trying
to work out my schedule here.
Now, uh, Chip is in the bathroom at 7:30,
but after he's out of there, it's clear, isn't it?
So I could BT at 7:40
while, uh, Chip is BK'ing
and Mike is, uh, DR'ing and Robbie's MB'ing, hmm?
Steve I'm getting on to this.
I could get up at, say, 7:00
No, but then I'd have a BK problem, wouldn't I?
I mean, I'd have to eat breakfast with Bub,
and that's no good, is it?
I mean, it's, uh, it's more efficient
if we all eat our meals alone.
Yeah. Well, here, here at 7:45,
this would be all right, wouldn't it, Harriet, now,
if I had, uh, BK with TR?
I mean, uh, breakfast with Tramp.
Yeah, th-that's how I'll do it.
So we'll say, uh BT at 7:40,
(chuckles): And then, of course, I'll have to rush
and have breakfast with Tramp at 7:45.
Wait a minute. Hmm?
I know what'll fix it.
(mumbles)
Hey, wait a minute!
Harriet!
Hand me the downstairs traffic pattern, please.
What are you doing?
I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago,
about six years, to be exact.
Robbie? ROB: Got to hurry!
Come here a minute. I'm late!
No, you're not. Come here.
ROB: Hey, you're going the wrong way!
Hey, what's the deal?
Well, it looks like we're going back
to our old two-way traffic.
Look out, will you?
You're messing up the schedule!
Another thing Frank says
Schedules work for you,
Ooh! Not you for them!
Sorry. Harriet, you're going the wrong way.
I've been going the wrong way
for quite a while.
Oh!
Sorry, Aunt Harriet, but you're going the wrong way.
No, Chip. I'm going the right way, finally.
By the way, this is Steve Douglas.
He's your father.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.
I'll try and fit you in
Jeepers, what happened to the
charts? Who ruined our schedule?
I did before it ruins you.
Are you kidding?
I've had a hot shower five days in a row.
Yeah, and I finally got the telephone all to myself.
Nobody horned in on my TV all week.
Oh, it was a darned efficient plan, all right.
Everybody got to school on time,
and nobody ran out of hot water.
No hassles over the telephone or the TV.
In five days, it got rid of every disorganized thing
about this house, including all that inefficient smiling
and laughing and saying of good mornings
and welcoming of fathers when they come home.
(bell dings)
Jeepers, what does that mean?
HARRIET: That means that I resign
as the Douglas efficiency expert.
As of now, I stop teaching you
how to operate like machines,
and you can start teaching me how to behave like a human.
And now, Steve, if you'll take care
of the upstairs traffic pattern,
I have a phone call to make.
Sure, I'd be happy to.
Well, looks like we won't be needing these anymore.
I guess I'll never get another hot shower
for the rest of my life.
And I just got it learned.
Why don't you fellas take these things
and throw them out in the
incinerator and burn them up, huh?
Well, I'm not gonna burn mine up.
Now that Harriet's got my housecleaning organized,
I'm gonna stick to it
those parts I like.
Hello, Frank?
Look, dear Oh, no, you don't, Harriet!
I'll do the talking this time,
and you can just sit there and listen!
What's that?
I didn't say anything.
Oh.
Harriet I'm glad you called,
because I was just about to call you.
You know, Harriet, this is the first time
in the six years of our engagement
that we've been separated,
and I've been doing a lot of thinking about us.
Well, Frank, that's
I know, Harriet, you think I'm perfect.
Well, I'm not.
You think my office is such a model of efficiency.
Well, it isn't!
You-you should look inside my desk.
Paper clips, Harriet, mixed up with rubber bands,
and-and letters, three weeks unanswered.
(indistinct chatter)
(Tramp barking)
All right, now.
Well, Frank
FRANK: My living as an efficiency expert.
But the glove compartment
of my car is a regular rat's nest!
Boys, try to try to keep it a little quiet.
Harriet's talking on the phone, you know.
(indistinct chatter)
I'll get you!
You know, Steve, I'm glad you could drop in. Thanks, Bub.
(Tramp barking, Frank talking inaudibly)
FRANK: And I've been trying to behave like I thought you
STEVE: Chip and Robbie. (Whistles)
Chip.
(Tramp barking)
Get off the furniture, Tramp.
FRANK: I'm not an automatic train!
I don't want to marry a-a computer!
All right, boys.
I want to raise children, not adding machines!
(indistinct chatter, Tramp barking)
We're just a couple of time-saving machines
who've been wasting a lot of time!
It's nice to be back
to the good old planned disorganization.
♪♪
(theme song plays)
(doorbell rings)
Come in, Frank.
Harriet, you almost ready to go?
Right on time. That's my boy.
I'll just be a moment.
Sorry, dear.
Got a little behind schedule, but
Harriet
I know how you hate to wait. Yeah.
Wasted time is time never to be regained.
Harriet Right? Right!
Rule number one:
Never keep an efficiency expert waiting.
Is that what you were going to say?
Harriet! Got my ticket?
Your seat reservation's all set.
Uh, you'll have to confirm reservation,
though, on the return trip
eight hours before time of departure.
Well I'll just get my purse and gloves, and we're off.
Harriet.
Every day in every way,
I'm growing more and more efficient.
Let's go.
Frank? Frank?
Frank? The bags.
Ready to say good-bye.
I haven't even had a chance to say hello.
Please, darling,
I hope we're not going to have another quarrel.
I know how you hate my disorganization,
but I'm trying, Frank, I really am trying.
Harriet, you're not listening to me again.
Well, I am too listening.
What did you say?
I said I wanted to kiss you.
Oh, is that what you said?
I wanted to kiss you hello
before I had to kiss you good-bye.
Oh, Frank, I'm sorry.
It's just been so long since I've seen Steve
and Mike and Robbie and and Chip.
I bet he's grown so.
Harriet, look, I don't mean
to compete on the same level
with your brother and nephews, but
Oh, Frank.
And Bub, dear old Bub.
(barking)
Boy, it's nice to see Aunt Harriet.
She sure picked a fine time to visit,
all this virus running around town. (Coughing)
What do you mean running around town?
That virus has settled right down here
at 837 Mill Street.
And that's not any newfangled virus.
It's just a common, ordinary, old-fashioned,
everyday, blow-your-nose cold.
And I got it good.
Oh, Robbie, I got all my junk out of the way.
You can bring your Aunt Harriet's stuff in here now.
Is Aunt Harriet a real kind of aunt
or a babysitter kind of aunt?
What you talkin' about, Chip?
She's Dad's sister, you know that.
Yeah.
Hey, will you quit shoving?
Come on, Robbie!
Robbie, don't keep pullin' and tugging.
I gotta get in here.
Gangway, I got my hands full.
Robbie, come on now, back up.
BUB: Let me have that shoe.
Ow! Get off me!
He's standing on my head!
Come on, Robbie, let me have some room.
Don't try to (all clamoring)
CHIP: Will you just let go of it!
That's the funniest thing I've seen since my boss
got his tie caught in the mimeograph machine.
(all clamoring)
Thanks.
I used to be great at untangling kite strings.
I, I can't hold it.
Hey!
Hold it, fellas. Stand still.
Doggone it, Harriet, we should have had all this done
before you got here.
Oh, don't be silly.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
You've got lots to look forward to.
Nothing but bottlenecks and traffic jams
24 hours a day around here.
I just wish Frank could see it.
What a challenge for an efficiency expert.
Who's Frank?
Too darn bad Steve had to
be out of town for half your visit.
Oh, well, we'll have a week together.
Who's Frank?
Frank's the one that keeps on
"gonna be our uncle" one of these days.
Very nicely put, Robbie.
Well, there you are. All unsnarled.
Thank you, Harriet.
What we need around here is a little organization.
What we need around here is a lot of organization.
As Frank would say, it's a challenge, a real challenge.
(blows loud riff)
I warned you!
Now I'm gonna blast you out of there!
For heaven's sake!
Please! Now knock it off!
I'm not gonna knock it off till you get out of there!
I'll get out of here when I'm darn good and ready and I
Well, I'm not gonna go
Now go downstairs and wait!
Boys, look, you don't have to talk that loud.
Fellas, now come on. Please be quiet.
You always put my towel on the wet floor.
You're not making sense.
(whistles sharply)
Hey!
You boys want waffles for breakfast or not?
Waffles? Mm-hmm.
Boy, I'll say.
With sausage or ham?
Or both if you want it.
Well, it sounds great.
Waffles?
If you'll all pitch in and help me work out
a little surprise for your father.
Well, what kind of a surprise?
Well, when your father comes home,
I'd like him to walk into an organized household
where everything functions efficiently.
I don't get it.
She means surprise Dad by knocking off
all the stupid arguments we're always having.
Stupid? Look who's talking. You should talk.
I mean, you're always hogging this bathroom.
Look, how can you have an organized house
when this kid keeps yelling?
Gee, you're at it again.
Kid! Who you calling kid, knucklehead?
I'm calling you a kid.
You get in this bathroom, you make a
Why, see? That's just what I mean.
Everybody's going in different directions.
Now what we all have to do is get going
in the same direction.
But as Frank says, the boat won't move
unless everyone pulls his own weight.
How 'bout it? Well, okay.
I'm willing to try
if you can stuff it into his head. Fine.
I'll work out a plan of organization tonight
and go over it with you during waffles in the morning.
Yeah, well, how am I?
And now for our first step towards efficiency,
Robbie, you use my bathroom downstairs. Good.
And Mike, you hurry up so Chip can brush his teeth. Okay.
When your father gets home,
I'll have this house so organized,
he won't recognize it.
Can we have some pancakes
with some blueberry syrup with it?
HARRIET: Now don't worry. It's really very simple.
Of course, for the first couple of days,
we can expect a little confusion,
but by the end of the week, we should be able
to give your father a real surprise for his homecoming.
Well, waffles in the dining room, huh?
Kinda fancy.
Kitchen's for cooking, dining room for eating.
Now these are your individual activity charts.
The abbreviations on the obverse side
can be decoded by means of the key on the reverse side.
Whoosh!
I'm about ready for another waffle, Harriet.
Coming right up.
Hey Jeepers, Aunt Harriet.
Here at 7:30, I've got A, B and C.
I can't read it. What's it mean?
And Chip's only got BT.
And here down at 3:00, I have S, P, and BP.
And Chip only has LS. How come?
You don't even know what you're complaining about.
Turn it over and read it.
Oh! BK, "breakfast," I, "ironing," I, "laundry."
Wow! Look at all the stuff that Bub has to do.
Brother! Between 8:30 and 9:30,
he's got a WD, DD, and P, D, A, CK and I and CSP. Wow!
Better look out, Harriet, you're gonna spoil me.
I'm liable to get used to this getting up late
and having breakfast fixed for me.
GU means "get up."
I get up at 7:15.
Right. You're catching on quickly.
Now, let's have a little quiz to make sure
we understand this much before I give you the rest.
Harriet, these are the best waffles I've ever eaten.
Thank you.
Now, ready, everybody?
7:45. What about you, Bub?
No, thanks, I couldn't eat another bite.
These are good, I tell you.
No, we're going to have a dry run.
Pick up your individual chart with the key on the back.
My what?
Here, this is yours, Bub.
Just read across.
Oh, uh Now, 7:45. Chip?
BT. Brush teeth.
Right.
Robbie?
MB. Make bed.
Good. Mike?
DR. Dress.
Uh-huh. And, Bub?
Bub?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Uh, SBKT and I.
(chuckles)
Sounds like some Eastern railroad.
Now, check your key.
What?
Well, here, Bub, it's on the back.
See? At 7:45, you SBKT and I.
Serve breakfast to Tramp and then do the laundry.
Serve breakfast to Tramp?
Heh! Let him get his own breakfast.
(laughs): Yes. Now, you will
notice that I staggered the use
of the bathroom and the telephone
and scheduled separate breakfasts.
I think that will eliminate some of the major bottlenecks.
That way, Bub, you can get CTWD, DD, PDA, CK and I, and CSP
out of the way so you can KK and GL at 10:00. Clear?
Everyone all straight?
GU get up.
WFS wash face and shave, huh?
Now, these two floor plans of the house
indicate to me an ideal traffic pattern.
The downstairs is the little complex.
But with the exception of the flow
from the living room to the kitchen
and from the front door to the living room,
all traffic bears to the right.
Simple?
Looks like a bunch of ocean currents to me.
Yeah. The upstairs looks like the Japanese currents,
and, uh, and the downstairs like the Gulf Stream.
Hey, Harriet, you got me getting up
and washing my face before the chart even starts.
Well, actually, you don't have to do
these things above the line when it says.
Anytime between 5:00 and 6:00 is
all right, or even earlier, if you wish.
Oh.
Now, upstairs you will note
that all traffic bears to the right.
Regarding the downstairs, you would do well
(ringing) to study the use of the doors.
What's that?
Time to LV sorry, you'll have to MV
and CU and BT as best you can this morning.
Come on, let's go. Hurry, now.
Oh, no, don't take your plates.
I'll take care of that.
Not that way.
I'll put up some signs later, it'll explain why not.
Okay. Hurry, now, let's go can't
be late, you know. (Boys talking)
You have to hurry to be on time to school.
And if you study your charts during the day,
I'm sure we'll be on schedule by this afternoon. Bye.
Hurry, now.
Oh, Harriet. This simple apparatus
will keep us on schedule to start with. Harriet.
Of course, these audio stimuli will be obsolete
as soon as we start responding kinesthetically.
Harriet, I can see where I GU and WFS
between 5:00 and 6:00, but where do I BUB?
What?
BUB?
Well, that's your name.
Oh, yeah.
(dings)
Okay, let's hurry and CT and WD
so we can DD and TDA at 8:45.
BUB.
I'm so fouled up, I don't even know my own name.
♪♪
(bell dings)
I'm sorry I overslept.
I don't know what's the matter with that darn alarm clock.
Well, I know why mine didn't ring.
I forgot to set it.
And another thing,
I don't know how I'm gonna I,
FL, and ST all at the same time.
I'll I.
Fine thing, five days we operate with clockwork precision.
And here on the day Steve is coming back
What's the matter with you, Tramp, can't you read.
Get down. I'll feed you next.
Hey, kids, we LV in 25 minutes.
Chip, BK right now.
I'm the one who gummed up the works.
And after I spent 20 minutes on the phone last night
bragging to him about the big surprise we have.
Oh, that's all right.
He probably won't show up till after lunch.
And by that time, we'll have everything in shipshape.
Don't worry.
Late. Right.
Hurry. How long? Five.
Robbie, BR and MB, so you can BK in five.
They're up to their little surprises.
(bell dings) That's it.
Hurry.
Robbie!
My gosh, Dad's home already. Jeepers, Dad, it's you.
Oh, hi, fellas.
You're early.
Yeah. Well I, uh, thought I'd surprise you.
Say, what are those signs? We're late.
Well, that's normal.
Oh, I gotta BR and CT.
He's got to what?
Yeah, and I gotta BK so I can BT and LV in 15.
You what?
Okay, BTR.
(Tramp barks)
Hey, Mike, get going, DRMB and CU
so you can Bub, what's going on?
Oh my gosh!
Harriet, don't go in the dining room,
Steve's here. You haven't done BKD yet.
Robbie, you know better than to use this door.
Get out of the way!
Robbie, for heaven's sake.
Hi, Harriet.
No, oh, no.
What are you doing here?
You weren't supposed to be here till after lunch.
What's this thing here?
Are you still here?
Get going. Hi, Mike.
Dad.
Hurry. SBKM.
How come you're home?
Well I thought I'd surprise you all, but
Hurry, Mike.
But you knew we were trying to surprise you.
Gangway, coming through BKM.
I, I know, Harriet.
Well just sit down, Steve.
We'll try to fit you in somewhere.
MIKE: You forgot to CU the BR again.
I did not, that's Chip's mess.
(bell dings)
BUB: Okay. Time to LV.
HARRIET: Oh no, come on, boys, hurry up.
Time to leave. Time to leave. Come on team, come on Chip.
You can eat it on the way, don't worry about it.
Hurry up, Robbie.
Not that way, Robbie, you can read.
I forgot, Harriet. Here are your books.
Snap to.
Come on, Mike, you don't need to do that.
Here are your books. Where are my books, my jacket
(alarm clock ringing) Will you shut it off?
MIKE: There we go, Robbie.
(phone ringing)
Hurry up you guys, I'm late with my WD.
Steve, will you please shut it
Oh, the phone.
Answer the BT, Tub. What?
I mean, Bub.
That's a boy, come on.
BUB: Hello.
HARRIET: There you are. Yeah.
Hurry up you, three, four, get out of here.
Time to LV.
Chip, come on. Bye, Dad.
See you later. Bye.
So long, Dad. Hello, hello.
Harriet Hello.
Hmm?
Oh. I'm Steve Douglas, your brother.
I used to live here.
Now wait a minute, Steve, I haven't had my coffee yet.
Harriet, will you tell me what's going on around here?
What's all this?
That, dear brother, was going to be your surprise.
This floor plan.
Do you mean we have a traffic pattern in the house?
That's why I couldn't come in the back door?
You can only go out the back door?
So this is the reason for all that WPA ICB MF CC talk.
Harriet, what are you trying to do around here?
I had it all done till you showed up.
Now look, Harriet No bottlenecks, no traffic jams.
Maybe according to your standards,
we, according to your standards
No fights over the bathroom
we haven't operated too efficient around here, but
Frank says our only hope in this world is efficiency.
I was lucky enough to get off of this,
off of this Baltimore project early
We have to schedule our time, he says.
Sooner than I thought I get your
house running like a well-oiled machine
I come here to surprise you and what do I get?
When a big 6 foot 2 monkey wrench like Steve Douglas
I walk in the front door and
nobody looks like I ever entered.
Frank says efficiency is our only answer.
Nonsensical lingo.
Frank says, if we don't get efficiency,
then we're all gonna go to the dogs.
Frank says? Franks says, that's
all he's been doing for six years.
If you're both such efficiency experts,
why don't you schedule a time to get married?
I'm sorry, Harriet.
(door slams)
Well, we better CT and WD so we can KK and GL at 10:00.
Well, Steve Oh
Where are you going? I may be back
if my sister can fit me into her schedule!
BUB: Hey! You can't go out that door.
Oh, yeah?
(slams door)
My gosh, he did.
(bell dings)
Bub! It's 5:00.
Time to S and DC, so we can FD in 30.
Let's see, Chip's OD, and Robbie, um
Isn't he scheduled home now?
Well, that's funny.
I wonder what happened to my chart.
Did you see Steve?
Steve?
Yeah, the wagon's in the driveway.
I thought he'd be down here.
Bub did you do anything with my charts?
No, I didn't.
Where are they?
HARRIET: Well, I'm not sure,
but I'm afraid I have a pretty good idea.
Oh, Harriet, I've just been trying
to work out my schedule here.
Now, uh, Chip is in the bathroom at 7:30,
but after he's out of there, it's clear, isn't it?
So I could BT at 7:40
while, uh, Chip is BK'ing
and Mike is, uh, DR'ing and Robbie's MB'ing, hmm?
Steve I'm getting on to this.
I could get up at, say, 7:00
No, but then I'd have a BK problem, wouldn't I?
I mean, I'd have to eat breakfast with Bub,
and that's no good, is it?
I mean, it's, uh, it's more efficient
if we all eat our meals alone.
Yeah. Well, here, here at 7:45,
this would be all right, wouldn't it, Harriet, now,
if I had, uh, BK with TR?
I mean, uh, breakfast with Tramp.
Yeah, th-that's how I'll do it.
So we'll say, uh BT at 7:40,
(chuckles): And then, of course, I'll have to rush
and have breakfast with Tramp at 7:45.
Wait a minute. Hmm?
I know what'll fix it.
(mumbles)
Hey, wait a minute!
Harriet!
Hand me the downstairs traffic pattern, please.
What are you doing?
I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago,
about six years, to be exact.
Robbie? ROB: Got to hurry!
Come here a minute. I'm late!
No, you're not. Come here.
ROB: Hey, you're going the wrong way!
Hey, what's the deal?
Well, it looks like we're going back
to our old two-way traffic.
Look out, will you?
You're messing up the schedule!
Another thing Frank says
Schedules work for you,
Ooh! Not you for them!
Sorry. Harriet, you're going the wrong way.
I've been going the wrong way
for quite a while.
Oh!
Sorry, Aunt Harriet, but you're going the wrong way.
No, Chip. I'm going the right way, finally.
By the way, this is Steve Douglas.
He's your father.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.
I'll try and fit you in
Jeepers, what happened to the
charts? Who ruined our schedule?
I did before it ruins you.
Are you kidding?
I've had a hot shower five days in a row.
Yeah, and I finally got the telephone all to myself.
Nobody horned in on my TV all week.
Oh, it was a darned efficient plan, all right.
Everybody got to school on time,
and nobody ran out of hot water.
No hassles over the telephone or the TV.
In five days, it got rid of every disorganized thing
about this house, including all that inefficient smiling
and laughing and saying of good mornings
and welcoming of fathers when they come home.
(bell dings)
Jeepers, what does that mean?
HARRIET: That means that I resign
as the Douglas efficiency expert.
As of now, I stop teaching you
how to operate like machines,
and you can start teaching me how to behave like a human.
And now, Steve, if you'll take care
of the upstairs traffic pattern,
I have a phone call to make.
Sure, I'd be happy to.
Well, looks like we won't be needing these anymore.
I guess I'll never get another hot shower
for the rest of my life.
And I just got it learned.
Why don't you fellas take these things
and throw them out in the
incinerator and burn them up, huh?
Well, I'm not gonna burn mine up.
Now that Harriet's got my housecleaning organized,
I'm gonna stick to it
those parts I like.
Hello, Frank?
Look, dear Oh, no, you don't, Harriet!
I'll do the talking this time,
and you can just sit there and listen!
What's that?
I didn't say anything.
Oh.
Harriet I'm glad you called,
because I was just about to call you.
You know, Harriet, this is the first time
in the six years of our engagement
that we've been separated,
and I've been doing a lot of thinking about us.
Well, Frank, that's
I know, Harriet, you think I'm perfect.
Well, I'm not.
You think my office is such a model of efficiency.
Well, it isn't!
You-you should look inside my desk.
Paper clips, Harriet, mixed up with rubber bands,
and-and letters, three weeks unanswered.
(indistinct chatter)
(Tramp barking)
All right, now.
Well, Frank
FRANK: My living as an efficiency expert.
But the glove compartment
of my car is a regular rat's nest!
Boys, try to try to keep it a little quiet.
Harriet's talking on the phone, you know.
(indistinct chatter)
I'll get you!
You know, Steve, I'm glad you could drop in. Thanks, Bub.
(Tramp barking, Frank talking inaudibly)
FRANK: And I've been trying to behave like I thought you
STEVE: Chip and Robbie. (Whistles)
Chip.
(Tramp barking)
Get off the furniture, Tramp.
FRANK: I'm not an automatic train!
I don't want to marry a-a computer!
All right, boys.
I want to raise children, not adding machines!
(indistinct chatter, Tramp barking)
We're just a couple of time-saving machines
who've been wasting a lot of time!
It's nice to be back
to the good old planned disorganization.
♪♪