Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e19 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
He's a big movie star from Hollywood.
And you're sure there are no phones
at the Shady Rest Hotel?
Oh, positive, Miss Wayne.
We've got a wall phone in the lobby,
but it just gives the place a little class.
It's not connected
just like I wrote you in the letter.
I'm being buried alive.
And there are very few other people there?
Only time the Shady Rest ever had over three guests
at one time was when Mrs. Prichard gave birth
to triplets in the lobby.
Are you happy to have found
a grave to put me into? Save your throat.
Don't worry. You picked the right place
for Mr. Haggard to rest in.
Shh! Please.
Not Mr. Haggard, Mr. Jones.
I won't let on he's a movie star.
Secret's safe with me.
I just wanted to say "howdy," Mr. Haggard.
Never miss your pictures.
Now this is Floyd Smoot and Charley Pratt.
They operate the Hooterville Cannonball.
She's his secretary.
Secret's just as safe with them as 'tis with me.
I'd shake hands, but I'm a corpse.
Just like to say "howdy," Mr. Haggard.
Have a good time. Thank you.
Don't you worry about folks finding out who you are.
I'd like to get your autograph.
For my granddaughter.
Uh, just sign it "Mr. Jones."
She'll know.
My dear lady, I Save your throat.
And the secret is safe with all these people?
Oh, I wouldn't have told them if they couldn't be trusted.
Mr. Carson, I hope I didn't make a mistake.
It's terribly important for Mr. Haggard to have
two weeks of complete rest and privacy.
Miss Wayne, everything I wrote in that letter was gospel.
Are you sure?
No attractive females?
Shucks, no.
You think this jacket's
all right to be buried in?
Rest your throat. What about your niece,
Mrs. Bradley, and her three daughters?
Who? You mean Homely Kate and her three ugly ducklings?
Right this way, folks.
Oh, welcome to Shady Rest.
Kate This is Mr. Jones,
and his secretary, Miss Lucy Wayne.
How do, Miss Wayne?
How do, Mr., uh, Jones? How do you do?
Let me take your suitcase. Oh, no, please.
Oh, well, let's go right this way.
That's your niece, Mrs. Bradley?
"Homely Kate"?
Well, I don't understand it.
She was homely when I left this morning.
Mom!
Let me guess: Those are the ugly ducklings.
Snaggletooth, Walleye
and Prune Face, left to right.
Mr. Carson, you are a fraud.
Telling me there were no attractive females here.
Well, you see, I keep thinking of them
as they were when they first came into the world,
toothless and wrinkled.
I've been too busy to take
a good look at them since, I guess.
All right, Mr. Carson.
But let me warn you.
Lane Haggard is to the female
what the spider is to flies.
Oh, there's no danger.
Kate's too old to fall for that romance stuff
and the girls are too young.
The Haggard charm gets them
from kindergarten to social security.
Well, he's met his match.
Oh, they'll be polite to him, all right,
but Kate and the girls are way too level-headed
to be taken in by that Hollywood charm.
We see every one of your pictures.
Wouldn't miss them.
Oh, I'm grateful to you and your sisters.
Oh, Kate? "Sisters"?
Did you hear that?
She's our mother.
Your mother? Oh, come on.
She's our mother. She is.
What do you call this?
Pulling a fast one on the, uh, city slicker?
Oh, no. She really is our mother.
Of course she is.
Aren't you our mother, Mother?
Mother!
Did you talk to me, sis?
Oh, "mother"!
Yes, I was a child bride.
Out of kindergarten into the kitchen.
Are we going to stand here all day,
a-spidering and a-flying?
Or is somebody going to show Mr. Jones
and his secretary to their rooms.
Oh, I'll get it.
I thought Kate and her daughters
were so "level-headed"?
I guarantee you the tilt is temporary.
And allow me to remind you, ma'am,
nobody loves a wise guy.
Come right in, folks.
Supper is about on the table.
Mr. Jones, you sit right here.
Miss Wayne, you sit right over there.
I think you met Floyd and Charley on the train.
This is Sam Drucker, our general storekeeper,
notary public and town wit. Happy to meet you both.
How do you do? Hello.
Oh, I'm starved.
Uh, Kate don't like for us to eat the rolls
till the soup is on the table.
Hurry up. He's sitting down waiting.
Now, listen.
Miss Wayne asked us to treat him
just like any other guest.
And that's what we're going to do.
Oh, but gee whiz, when he looks at you
with those deep, brown eyes
Billie Jo, you stop mooning around, you hear me?
And you girls stop acting like
silly, empty-headed, little fools.
He's just an ordinary man.
And they're not brown, they're smoky gray
with specks of green.
Come on, Mom.
You've been making over him
just as much as we have. You sure have.
You've been fussing over him like a mother hen.
Well, maybe I have.
But from now on, he's to be treated
like everybody else as far as Kate Bradley is concerned.
No better, no worse than anybody else.
Now, let's get the food on the table.
It's the gospel.
That's exactly the way it happened.
Hey, here comes the food.
Boy, wait till you taste Kate's cooking.
Soup's on. Wow.
And now our glamorous visitors
are going to have to be satisfied
with a plain old, homely, country supper.
Like us simple folk have to get along on every day.
Uh, French onion soup,
beef stroganoff, uh, asparagus hollandaise,
Waldorf salad and cherries jubilee.
Okay, girls.
Now, quiet and lady-like.
And control your giggling.
Now, come on now
and see the movie star shave himself.
Shh!
Gee!
All right, you've had your 15 cents worth.
Next.
Wowee!
Next.
Oh, my gosh!
Wait, wait a minute.
That'll be another nickel a head, girls.
I didn't know he had his shirt off.
And I am deeply touched
that you named your baby after me.
Sincerely yours and so forth.
Ah, that's enough fan mail.
I want to write a letter to Darryl Zanuck
about the, uh
Shall I close the curtains? Are you kidding?
I'm getting ten cents a head.
Some people have to breathe to live.
All you need is an audience.
Okay, so I'm a ham. "Ham"?
Lane, when your turn comes to die,
if there's an audience, I don't think you'll go.
When you get through abusing me,
we'll get back to work.
Come in.
I came to see if you needed towels.
Thank you.
And thank you for lighting up my room
with those radiant eyes.
"Lighting up the room"?
Dear Darryl
I'll be in New York on the 23rd.
We can talk about that picture in Africa
Come in.
I've, uh, I've brought you some towels.
Thank you.
If this rose could see you,
it would die with envy.
Oh, I wish they'd stop bothering me.
Yeah, and the vicious way that you discourage them,
you think they'd take the hint.
I have to be kind to women.
It's my duty.
"Duty"?
Well, naturally.
If Heaven gives you a voice,
you're you're obligated to sing.
Lane Heaven gave
Leonard Bernstein a talent, too,
but he doesn't start conducting
every time he sees a musician.
I wish I had the nerve to fire you.
I came to see if you needed any towels.
Thank you.
But now I'll have to stop shaving
till I get over the effect of those
disturbing eyes.
Oh
Bobbie Jo? Bobbie?
What is it, Mom?
Well, you were looking at the Chicago catalog last.
What'd you do with it? I gave it to Billie Jo.
Mom? Do you think a young girl
from a small, country town could find happiness
as the wife of a Hollywood star?
Well, our gal Sunday did fine with an English lord.
So I don't see why you
On second thought, a combination like that
could only lead to pure misery.
Mom, I'm surprised at you!
Taking such an old-fashioned attitude.
Here's the catalog; I figured you'd be looking for it.
What's wrong?
You-you'll never believe this.
But your sister Bobbie Jo is entertaining
romantic ideas about Mr. Haggard.
Well, that's the most ridiculous thing
I've heard in my whole life!
Well, I'm sure glad to see that you think it's foolish.
I'm the one he's stuck on.
Oh, my goodness.
He's stuck on you?
Hmm, is he ever.
Well, did he tell you in so many words?
No.
But a woman knows these things.
Oh, a woman does, does she?
Oh, yes.
She feels it right here, with her woman's intuition.
You wouldn't understand.
Well, of course not.
What would us fellows know about that?
No, what I meant was you're too
Skip it.
Oh, I see.
I'm too old to know about romance, right?
I'm too far over the hill, right?
I'm ready for pasture, right?
Well, don't just stand there, argue with this nonsense!
Oh, Mom, simmer down.
Listen, all I care about is
keeping you and your sisters
from getting your feelings hurt.
Now, men like Lane Haggard sometimes say things to women
they don't mean, flirting like.
Do you know what I mean, honey?
Uh, am I getting through to you?
It sure is, and you're right.
Good girl.
I'm gonna go down tomorrow and tell that naughty Lane
to stop flirting with Bobbie and Betty.
I need help.
Uncle Joe?
He's not here.
Well, that's a help.
What's wrong, Mom?
You look worried.
Oh, it's nothing, honey.
I just want to talk to Uncle Joe.
He's bedding down the chickens.
What's the trouble?
It's nothing I'd bother you with, baby.
You're too young for such things.
And thank goodness for that.
Being young can have its problems.
Like the one I'm having right now.
What's that, baby, something to do with school?
Yes.
I'm set on graduating, Mom.
Well, of course you're gonna graduate.
What's the problem?
You think Mr. Haggard will mind waiting three years?
Oh, there you are.
What a beautiful morning.
Now, what did you want to talk to me about, lovely lady?
That's it right there, that sweet-talking way of yours.
Mr. Haggard, my daughters are very young.
I wish you'd call me Lane, lovely lady.
No, sir.
Not on your life.
No nonsense.
This is gonna be cold and business-like.
I'm gonna call you Mr. Haggard
and you're gonna call me "lovely lady."
I mean Mrs. Bradley.
This sounds very serious.
It is.
My daughters never had a chance
to be around a sophisticated man like you.
So they don't understand that it doesn't mean anything
when you pour out those honey words.
They've been taking you serious.
And they're gonna get hurt, and I'm not gonna stand for it.
Mrs. Bradley, I think your daughters are wonderful girls.
I wouldn't hurt them for a million dollars.
I know you don't set out to hurt them.
You see, Mrs. Bradley, the trouble is,
making love to good-looking girls
has become a reflex action with me.
I do it automatically, without thinking.
You got to stop it.
You're right.
That's what I've been telling myself.
But as I said, I don't even realize I'm doing it.
Do you know what a pleasure it is
to be able to talk this way to an intelligent woman,
who also happens to be
one of the loveliest and most devastating creatures
I have ever met? No, no, Mr. Haggard.
No, no.
I was doing it again, huh?
You got to concentrate real hard.
Hi there, Lane.
Now then, let her have it right between the eyes.
Go on.
Concentrate.
Hello, Butch.
It's you.
I was wondering who that skinny bow-legged kid was
coming up the road.
Oh, you naughty boy.
The new words were fine.
But you're still singing the same old music.
And the girls think he means it.
Mrs. Bradley, Hollywood is full of girls
who thought he meant it.
Why do you think we're hiding out like this?
You don't say.
I know of ten women who expect to marry him
and 18 more who think he's madly in love with them,
and all because he simply cannot resist
exercising his charm on a pretty face.
You know something?
What he needs to do is find a nice girl and get married.
I know a nice girl who's been trying to sell him
that idea for four years.
Really?
Well, do you think she'd be good for him?
I think I'd be great for him.
Oh, you mean you.
Me is exactly whom I mean.
Well, what do you know.
Has he shown any interest?
Yeah, well, Lane is the most wedding shy man I've ever met.
The sad part is he admits he loves me,
and I know I could make him happy.
He's afraid of marriage, huh?
The sound of wedding bells,
he disappears in a puff of smoke.
Well don't you give up.
You're a very sweet young lady, and you'll get him yet.
But how? I can't force myself on him.
Why not?
Listen, if they waited for the sheep
to walk into the butcher shop,
it'd be a long time between lamb chops.
You may be right, but I suppose I have too much pride.
Afternoon, Miss Wayne.
Kate, can I see you for a minute?
I have some work to do in my room.
See you later.
Anything wrong?
Kate, what happened to those three daughters of yours?
Well, nothing. I just gave them a good talking to
about making fools out of themselves over Mr. Haggard.
Well, I don't think it did them too much good.
I just seen them down by the well,
and they're quarreling like three bobcats
over which one he likes the most.
I tell you, Uncle Joe,
I'm gonna have to ask Mr. Haggard to move out.
The businessman in me gets sick at the thought.
Hate to do it, but he's causing
more trouble than he's worth.
I've got sightseeing excursions
arranged for every day next week at a quarter a head.
30 cents with his shirt off.
I know he can't help it, but he's a real menace
to all single women as long as he's not married.
Uncle Joe,
I just got a lollapalooza of an idea.
There's no money in it; You got no head for business.
But I'm gonna need your help.
You get hold of Sam Drucker and maybe Floyd and Charley.
And you're gonna need your shotgun.
Sounds like a wedding.
That's the general idea.
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
Coming.
Lane!
Mrs. Bradley, stop it!
Mrs. Bradley!
I just can't help myself.
I've been thinking about all the things you said.
How you feel at home with me because I'm so mature.
How pretty you think I am.
What are you talking about?
Lane, I'm talking about love.
I'm talking about us.
You and me?
Oh, I've been fighting it all right.
First, I thought it was silly
You and me getting married.
Married?!
After all, you're younger than I am by weeks.
And then I realized it was fate that brought you here.
Now, wait a minute Yes.
Now I know why I said no to Eldridge Wormser.
Harness salesman from Medicine Bend.
And it was for you that I turned down Walter Schwartz,
one of the best Mr. Bones
that Simpson's traveling minstrels ever had.
It was fate saving me for you.
Kiss me, Lane.
Now, look, Mrs. Bradley, this is, this is
Oh, you're fighting it.
You never felt such an overwhelming emotion,
and it scares you.
You've got to listen to me.
I'm listening to my heart.
It's saying, "Lane loves me, Lane loves me."
He does not, he does not.
Go ahead, fight it, you foolish boy.
Hollywood will accept me.
Uh, I'll fit in; I learn fast.
In no time at all, I'll be jumping
in the swimming pool with my clothes on,
and every now and then, we can get a divorce.
Oh, we'll be so happy.
Stop this!
This has gone far enough.
Are you kidding me?
Kidding you?
Of course not.
You do want to marry me, don't you?
Marry you? Of course I don't want to marry you.
I can't believe my ears.
Uncle Joe, Charley, Floyd!
They were right.
They said you were a flame, and I was only a foolish moth.
What happened?
I flew too close and burned my wings.
You foolish moth.
I don't know what's going on here.
Boys, this movie star's been
trifling with Kate's affection.
I didn't like his last movie either.
I was miscast.
My agent talked me into it.
What movie was that?
He played a minister on this South Sea island.
The picture was terrible.
Allow me to remind the critics circle
that a woman's heart has just been
kicked around like a football.
Hanging's too good for him.
We don't allow our women to be trifled with.
He thinks he's back in Hollywood.
I say if we don't make an example of him,
we're gonna be flooded with movie stars
trifling with our women.
He's right.
Now's the time to nip it in the bud.
Let's leave it up to the little
woman who's been trifled with.
Kate, do you want to marry this polecat?
Not unless he wants to marry me.
I got my pride.
Do you want to marry her?
Of course not.
I'll take him anyway.
Charley, Floyd, go get Sam Drucker.
Tell him to bring
his justice of the peace certificate and some cheap rice.
Oh, come on.
Now, you know as well as I do,
you can't make me marry anybody.
Why not?
Because it's against the law,
that's why not.
Now, Sam Drucker's the marshal.
And he never said anything against
shotgun weddings being against the law.
Suppose I refuse to go through with it.
Well, sure, he could do that.
There was that underwear drummer from Charlotte
who refused to go through one last April.
That's right.
What was Judge Drucker's verdict on that?
Killed while resisting a wedding.
Now, listen, let's talk this over.
Uh, let's don't lose our heads.
Uh, I can't marry Mrs. Bradley.
Why not?
Well, because I because.
You married already? No.
You fixin' to marry somebody?
Come in.
I just happened to be passing by.
What's going on?
Lucy, save me.
I was just saying, the only way he's gonna
get out of marrying me is to marry somebody else.
Well, he's in quite a spot, isn't he?
Lucy, will you marry me?
Bye. Bye.
Much happiness.
You know, of course, I plan to have this marriage annulled.
Oh, really?
Yes.
In about 50 years.
Golly, that was a wonderful wedding.
Yeah, I hope I gave them their $20 worth.
You did just fine, Sam.
Well, I'm plumb tuckered.
$20 is a lot of wedding.
I think they're gonna be real happy together.
She better treat him right.
'Cause I'll always be ready to take him back.
So will I.
Me, too.
Silly girls.
I just hope he'll be able to get
his "lovely lady" out of his system.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a Filmways presentation.