She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e19 Episode Script
Mystical Pizza
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) DRAKE: The geek is in my office, all right? PERRY: Yes.
So I have enough votes to take the entire company from him.
Correct.
You know what he says to me? He says, " My grandfather came to this country with nothing, "and he built this business.
We have a responsibility to his memory.
" So what'd you say? I said, " Cheer up, Pops.
You're just like your grandpa, "except he came with nothing, you're leaving with nothing!" (ALL LAUGHING) You are heartless! I think I could learn to like being a big fish.
Yes.
Oh, beer drought! Where's the wait-bunny? Watch this.
(EXCLAIMS) Excuse me.
I need you.
I'll be right with you.
Uh-uh, no good.
I need service with a smile, right now.
We're big fish, honey, and we demand attention.
Can you give me some? And uh, some beer? (PERRY LAUGHING) Who needs a doormat when they've got Annabeth around? (SIGHING) I just can't believe what she puts up with.
Oh, she's young.
She'll learn.
I would've smacked his head so hard it would've been spinning in 40 directions.
And maybe you'll learn a little, too.
Thanks, babe.
(LAUGHING) (SIGHS) Give me two pitchers.
You're not gonna serve those creeps? Customer's always right.
(SIGHING) Aren't they? Not when they start messing with my girls, they're not.
I say we just boot their butts out of here.
No, let's give them something special to eat.
On the house.
They are important.
Yeah, they're real big fish.
Exactly.
They wouldn't call it an unfriendly takeover if it was nice! (LAUGHING) Oh, about time.
We're only dying of thirst over here.
Oh, I know.
And to show you just how sorry I am for taking so long, I've brought you a special pizza.
On the house.
All right! Now, that's what happens when you're a big fish.
And you haven't seen anything yet.
I told you she wants me.
(EXCLAIMING) Dig in.
Ooh, geez! (SNIFFS) Mmm.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh! Shall we? That's one big fish.
JULIA: I know (ANNABETH GIGGLES) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Why are you tearing down lan's set? Gotta make room for the new one.
Listen, what do you think? Which do you like better, the starship bridge, nice, or the life-size Bates Motel? Ooh! You've got to be kidding.
Yeah.
You're right.
We want upscale, we want class.
Forget the starship.
The Bates Motel.
You see, lan would be like the manager, and every week a guest would occupy a different room.
He could become the Anthony Perkins of broadcast journalism.
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) Well, I'm so glad he won't lose his credibility.
Skip, how many times do we have to tell you? This is a serious show about the exploration of the supernatural.
We have to treat it with respect.
Oh, absolute reverence.
Yes.
You think painting blood stains on the shower tiles would be too much? Please, Skip, let's just forget for one minute that we'd even consider doing a show as repugnant as that.
Because, Skip, we both know that these sets would cost a fortune, and we don't have a fortune.
Yes, but Craig Marcus does and he's interested in syndicating your show nationally.
Who's Craig Marcus? (LAUGHING) Who's Craig? He's the genius that made Red Highway a national sensation.
Red Highway? Yeah, 30 minutes of sizzling footage of fatal traffic accidents every week.
Television at its finest.
Oh, my God.
The man is a genius in this biz.
He will be here tomorrow, and when he is, I will expect you to cater to his every desire.
What shall I do? Run over a few pedestrians? Hey, whatever it takes.
We are going to make this deal happen.
Skip! So, Bambi, did you figure out the Jell-O? (SIGHS) There's a trick to Jell-O.
It's not as easy as it looks.
Well, it's probably 'cause the writing is so little on those boxes.
(LAUGHS) It's all English to me.
You mean Greek.
So that's why I couldn't understand it.
(GROANS) Well, we're off to celebrate at the trendiest new restaurant in town.
Want to make it a threesome? No, thanks.
I think I'd rather poke my eyes out with toothpicks and then stick them in Tabasco sauce.
A simple " no" would have sufficed.
She's so emotional.
(CHATTERING) All right, stand back.
Celebrities coming through.
Watch out.
Stand back.
Important people coming in.
Two, no smoking.
Excuse me, you're going to have to wait your turn.
Excuse me? I don't think you know who you're talking to.
A jerk? Guess again, tootsie.
This little gal can put this dive on the map or wipe it right out of existence.
This is Bambi.
Sorry about your mom, but you still have to wait for a table.
It's not that Bambi.
Excuse me, this gal is Channel 89's restaurant critic, star of Bikini Baking with Bambi, culinary expert and 36-D cup.
(CHUCKLES) We'll expect your best table, free food, and lots of sucking up.
Skip! Skip, what are you doing here? And who's she? I'm sorry, did you say Skip? (LAUGHING) She thinks I'm Skip.
Aren't you Skip? (LAUGHING) I fooled you too! Isn't that a riot? No, no.
I'm Julio.
(CLEARS THROAT) Skip's twin brother.
(STUTTERING) I just got in from the Orient.
I left Skip at home.
He's writing love letters, actually.
Is that so? Yeah, so this is where you work.
I mean, uh, Skip always wondered where you worked.
No.
You could never be Skip.
Because Skip would never two-time me.
The Skipster? No, never.
Oh! The man is a virtual paragon of virtue.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, they call him Mr.
Fidelity, yeah, when they're not calling him Mr.
Honesty, Mr.
Truthfulness, Mr.
All-Around Great Guy.
(LAUGHS) Yes! Skip sets a high moral standard that many men aspire to, but few can attain.
Right this way, Julio.
I'm glad you're not Skip.
Skip likes me to pretend I'm an Indy 500 racecar driver and (EXCLAIMS) My! What lovely decor.
You know, I ought to put some sawdust on the floor at my place.
You know, it'd save time doing the linoleum.
Not that I'd want to deprive you of the pleasure.
Yup! Geez, what do you put on these pizzas? Gold doubloons? Oh, Julio.
Your money's no good here.
Oh, well, then it has something in common with my credit cards.
They're no good anywhere.
(LAUGHS) I kid.
No, it'll be my pleasure to take care of you both.
How does the house special sound? My treat.
Sounds scrumptious.
Hmm.
Just like you.
So, uh, what do you say later on you pretend that you're a rock singer and I'm But I don't know how to sing.
Don't worry.
The trick is knowing how to handle the microphone.
What are you doing? That's for table five! Not any more it isn't.
Oh, no! We have a celebrity in the house.
And she deserves special, immediate attention.
Ferret nostril? Ground lizard tongue? Oh, this is special.
I thought I was the only one.
I thought Skip only drove the Indy 500 with me.
Skip? The man who is single-handedly reshaping the television industry? You said he had a body like Adonis and a mind like Aristotle.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Oh, how can you be so calm? I mean the man is clearly a rat.
And you should let him know it.
Just you watch me.
I love being with you.
I feel like I can relax and just let my hair down.
Oh, why stop there? Ah! Here we go.
Enjoy! Well, thank you.
I'm sure Skip would appreciate this.
Hmm, I'm counting on it.
Yeah.
All right.
Eat up! You're going to need your strength later.
(GROWLS) Whoa! Where are you going? We haven't even eaten yet? When you let your hair down, you don't kid around.
(SCREAMING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (ALL GIGGLING) Oh, the bimbo.
The rat.
Oh, what a cruel world.
Blind date.
(LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Did I show him! No, you showed her.
He got off easy.
Oh, fine! Well, what would you do? Make sure he never forgets the rat he really is.
(ALL GIGGLING) Uh-huh.
So how'd you like to have your own show? Here's the deal.
You supply the spatula, we'll supply the bikini.
I'll pass.
She prefers the anonymity of producing.
Yeah? Well, she won't be anonymous for long.
How Strange is going to be a national sensation! Oh, pizza? "Think of me as you enjoy lunch today, because I will be thinking of you.
Annabeth.
" Aah.
Just another offering from one of my many admirers.
You know, you could learn something from her about slavish devotion.
Hey! Craig Marcus will be here any minute.
You could start by offering him your body.
(INHALES) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) RANDl: You are disgus Mmm, come in.
Mr.
Seville? Get lost, kid.
I'm not buying any magazine subscriptions.
Yeah, look Scram! Mr.
Seville, I'm Craig.
You're Craig? Craig Marcus.
The genius behind Red Highway.
RANDl: Figures.
You're Craig Marcus? This damn door.
(LAUGHING) Oh! It's always closing on people.
It's a real hell.
Please, come in.
I want you to enjoy Get me the owner of this building! I want this door taken care of today or you'll face my lawyers tomorrow! WOMAN: Yes, Mr.
Seville.
I'm Craig.
Lan Matheson.
My producer, Randi Wallace.
Hi.
I like your show.
Oh, I'm glad you appreciate the in-depth study of mythology.
It's neat.
So are the demographics.
Dad gave me an Apple for Christmas, and I've been running some numbers.
Oh, that's a coincidence, I used to run numbers.
(LAUGHING) Well, you know, it beat having a paper route.
Well, boys will be boys.
What? Skip, you have whiskers.
You should shave.
You know, I just started.
I could teach you.
IAN: Listen, I'm glad you enjoy the show, but I'm not really interested in going national.
Lan.
Perhaps you've heard of Bikini Baking with Bambi? I'm sure you'll find that neat.
Love the new look.
So, got any shaving cream? Uh, I use electric.
You know, lan, going national with your show might not be such an awful thing.
True.
Working for a 17-year-old boy, that would be an awful thing.
Worse than working for Skip? Uh, I'll think about that, and get back to you.
The point is, if we go national we would enlarge our audience by millions, and that's millions of people that could lead us to a cure.
And we'll lose whatever anonymity we have, which will seriously hinder our investigation into the supernatural, and finding your cure.
It's a two-edged sword, Randi.
It's a vicious circle.
And no fun at all.
I guess we should think about this some more.
You know what? I suggest we think about this under the stars, hand-in-hand, walking along the sea shore.
Boy, you sure know how to change a girl's mind.
Well, I try.
(CHUCKLES) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) You get it.
You get it.
You get it.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES) Doc, you gotta do something.
You gotta to help me! Well, well, well.
Look at what the cat dragged in.
Cat? Do you have a cat? Where's the cat? Is he here? Shoo! Scat! (SKIP HISSING) Skip.
It's just an expression.
Why are you so freaked-out? You'd be freaked out too, if you were turning into a rat! Has anything unusual happened to you in the last few days? You mean besides turning into a rodent? You know, there's a certain poetic justice about this.
Yes, there is.
Have you made any enemies lately? You got a calculator? I'm not too good at adding up numbers in my head.
Listen, we're talking about just the past few days? Well, there was the Mercedes I sideswiped, but the guy had no business parking so close to the handicapped spot.
(SIGHING) Did you leave a note? Are you kidding? And then there's Bambi.
When I found out at the pizza parlor that she was really a hideous hag camouflaged under expertly applied make-up, I was morally outraged.
Three Girls from Salem.
(GROANS) I can't turn into a rat now.
I'm right in the middle of trying to cut a big-money syndication deal.
He was eating pizza when he sprouted whiskers.
What exactly happened in the pizza parlor, Skip? Nothing, only because I think fast on my feet.
(SIGHS) I ran into a waitress I've been dating.
She thought I was two-timing her with Bambi, but I convinced her I was my twin brother Julio.
A very clever ruse.
I think we're on to something.
This waitress's name wouldn't happen to be Annabeth, would it? Uh, yeah.
So what? God, do we really have to help him? If they did this to Skip, think how many other people could be in danger.
Hey, if they can turn him into a rat, then maybe they could cure me.
There's one way to find out.
Excuse me, you guys got any gouda? (SIGHS) ANNABETH: I'm so glad you got the job.
Hmm, me too, I am thrilled.
I think you're really going to like it here.
I mean we have so much fun and the atmosphere is really friendly.
Oh, yeah, of course, the pay isn't great, but then again, who takes a job like this for the money, anyway? (LAUGHS) Certainly not me.
I'm just glad to be working with friendly people.
You know, my last boss, she was a real witch.
Come on, girls.
There's customers waiting.
Oh, we better go.
Things get really crazy around here.
I'll bet.
(COUGHING) Thank you, Skip, for making my week.
CHRISTIANA: Randi! Um Yes! I was just looking for time cards.
Oh, we don't have time cards.
I don't believe in punching a clock.
Oh, that's a relief.
Neither do I.
So, um, where do I start? Right now, at the bottom, bussing tables, serving pizza, wiping up spilled beers.
Hmm.
But, Randi, we're expanding, and we're looking for managers to run our franchises.
We're like one big family.
Hmm.
And the girls that do well here, they become my sisters.
And those who don't? Oh, they become something else.
Ah.
Well, I wouldn't want that to happen.
Neither would I.
Welcome to the pizza business.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, waitress! Where's our food? Coming, coming! MAN: Can we please get a menu? Hang on, just a second okay? Just give me a brake, all right, for one second? I'll have your change in a minute.
RANDl: I need some help out here! (GLASSES CLINKING) Waitress! Yes? I have been waiting.
I'm sorry, so has everyone I am Claire Preston.
I phoned in an order over 35 minutes ago.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm sorry I was very explicit on the phone.
I said that I would be here in exactly 25 minutes, and that I expected the pizza to be ready.
(LAUGHING) I have been waiting over 10 minutes.
that's a shame.
I have a 12 million dollar deal that could fall apart if my timing is not perfect.
I can't stand around here like a potted palm simply because your kitchen is incompetent! Miss Preston, sorry for the delay.
We wanted to make this pizza very special.
No pizza is worth Oh, this'll be worth much more than that.
(GROANS) Wait, she didn't pay for her pizza.
Oh, she will.
Damn right.
Uh, Randi! (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me, you forgot to pay for that.
Forget? I didn't forget.
I paid with my time.
Yeah, well, we prefer cash.
Oh, do you now? Yeah.
Well, why don't you remember that next time you leave someone sitting around like a potted palm.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Did she pay you? No, she's leaves.
I mean, she left.
She left! (LAUGHS) Oh, well.
Your shift is just about over now anyway, isn't it? Yeah.
But before you go, I have something for you.
How can you sell our pizza if you don't know just how special it is? Uh, no, I think I have an idea.
Take it anyway.
It's my treat.
All right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Good night.
SKIP: How can you read at a time like this? You may not have noticed it, but this happy-go-lucky fella is turning into a rat.
Something unprecedented in the history of the world is happening in your apartment, and all you can do is think about something interesting to read.
This is The Art of Wicca.
Oh! Fine.
Thinking of redecorating? You should be looking for something to help me out! I said Wicca, with an " a," not wicker.
It's the Old English phrase for witchcraft.
I think you're the victim of black magic.
(GROWLS) Randi will find out if it's the pizza.
If it is, I need to understand the spell if I'm going to reverse its effects.
Tell you what.
This isn't happening.
No way, no how.
I am S-k-k-k-kip Seville.
I'm a swinging, hip, happening guy of the '90s.
Today, now, this instant.
This my world, brother, and I've tamed it.
I got the Teflon frying pans, the cellular phones, and the acrylic sweaters to prove it.
So listen up.
There's no such thing as witchcraft.
I am not turning to a rat! Glad we got that sorted out.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (WHISPERING) SKIP: Who is it? (WHISPERING) Craig Marcus.
No! He can't see me like this! Why not? He might think you're neat and give you a sitcom.
Hey, now there's a thought.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) CRAIG: Hello in there! Just a moment! Put this over your head and lean over this kettle.
Do you have any idea how much money Alf made? And he was just a puppet.
Be quiet, and let me handle this.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mr.
Marcus, what a delightful surprise.
I'm afraid I can't come out to play right now.
Oh, I came to talk business.
But if you want to go miniature golfing afterwards, I'm game.
I'd love to.
Unfortunately, I have to take care of a very sick friend.
(SNIFFING) IAN: He's got a terrible head cold.
Why is he sitting on a pile of shredded newspapers? He's a voracious reader.
Just tears through reading material when he's sick.
What do you say we discuss this tomorrow, at the studio I'd rather not, I don't want Skip involved.
IAN: Any particular reason? CRAIG: Yeah.
He's a crook with no one's interest at heart but his own.
You're very perceptive.
(SCOFFS) That's why stations pay me to pick shows for them.
In fact, I'm meeting with a group of station owners tonight, and I'd like you to come.
What makes you think they want my show? I'm 17-years-old, I know what today's viewers want.
They want monsters.
Then you're going to love this, you little runt.
Oops! It's time for Julio's enema.
Can we talk another time? Unless of course, you want to give me a hand? Uh, we'll confab on the cellular.
(SIGHS) An enema, a pizza, and a potted palm? (LAUGHS) I don't get it.
Grown up stuff.
Yeah.
Bye.
Lan, the Three Gals from Salem are witches, and their combination pizza is deadly.
You're not kidding.
Oh, my God, he's changing so fast.
There isn't much time.
The faster he's changing, the less human he becomes.
Really? How can you tell? This is serious! Rats are vicious deadly creatures.
We don't even know if he's had a rabies shot.
How do you like that kid? Wining and dining station owners without me? I'm going to have to (SNIFFING) Mmm.
Do I detect some cheese? Um We really shouldn't let him eat that.
It could be cursed.
Well, how much worse can it get? Ah! Greenery! (LAUGHS) Just the decorative touch this loft was missing.
Lan, that is not greenery.
That is a customer.
I mean, it was a customer until they turned her into that.
Well, at least she doesn't have to worry about putting on weight.
I think it's time we took this situation in hand.
What do you have in mind? A cunning plan.
A plan so cunning you could skin it and make a pair of boots.
(SKIP BURPS) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Oh! Hi! Table for one? (LAUGHING) I wouldn't dare eat here.
You wouldn't? Not at least until Fumigation? Ah-ha! Notice the texture of the cheese? See these bubbles? Uh-huh.
They could be rancid blisters filled with plague.
Or they just could be, friendly old bubbles.
Hmm.
Who knows? That is what I'm here to find out.
Randall Hopkirk, Department of Health.
(EXCLAIMS) WOMAN: Come on, boys, let's get out of here.
You have no right driving out all my customers! A right, a duty and a responsibility, madam.
Ah! You! Follow me.
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
I operate a clean and sanitary restaurant.
I shall be the judge of that.
(SIGHING) IAN: A worm? We have an eclectic menu.
I see.
That's why we're so popular.
Popularity has nothing to do with cleanliness.
The president is popular.
Do you think that matters to the salmonella germ? No! No! A warm intestine is a warm intestine.
Give me a break.
Do you have a problem, miss? Isn't this all a bit much? (SHOUTING) Much? Much? Do you know what much is? (INHALES DEEPLY) Much is descending upon this germ pit with a decontamination team.
It is dismantling this place nail by nail, studying each microbe with such intimacy we're on a first name basis, and then, only then, do we allow you to serve a single grain of pure, undiluted salt.
(SIGHS) Are we clear? Good.
That completes my examination.
Thank you.
Forgive us.
We've had a hard day and we're taking it out on you.
All we want to do is serve wholesome and enriching food to our community, and meet your exacting standards, which we are.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) But why don't you decide for yourself? Give Mr.
Hopkirk a pizza to go.
My pleasure.
Oh, but I couldn't.
I insist.
(SWITCH CLICKING) SKIP: Forget it.
I gnawed through the wires.
Of course.
Why turn off the lights when you can eat the wire instead? SKIP: I don't like the light.
It hurts my eyes.
Skip? Where are you? SKIP: Did you bring me any cheese? No.
But I made the witches hate me so much, they made me a cursed pizza.
I'm going to use it, with some of the ingredients I stole, to try and make you a cure.
An anti-pizza.
(LAUGHING) It might work.
SKIP: I don't need a cure I'm Ratman.
Oh What about a cape and an emblem? There's only one thing that would make me feel better now.
What's that? Kill the witches.
But you'll still be a rat.
Yes.
But I'd feel better about myself.
I couldn't let you do that.
Oh, too bad.
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Oh, Skip.
(SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERING) (LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMS) Are you all right? Yes.
You, uh, you startled me.
Take this.
What do you want me to do with it? What do you think? I don't know.
How about sweeping the floor? Sweep? (GIGGLING) Of course, sweep.
Yes, I can sweep.
I can do that.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
I'm a sweeping demon.
(HUMMING) That girl is strange.
I thought so, too.
Which is why I took this from her shoulder.
You know, scientists can tell a lot about a person from a single strand of hair, magnifying it until they see the DNA right in their eye.
Huh.
That's a stupid waste of time.
I mean, why don't they just do it the easy way? Calling fiends and specters deep, by force of potent spell.
Reveal the secrets we do seek, the truth she dare not tell.
What is the use of having sawdust on the floor, if you're only going to sweep it up? (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) I mean, what a clever idea.
You're not fooling us.
All right then.
I think it's a pretty stupid idea.
We know everything.
Everything? You came here because, somehow, you discovered we're witches.
What are you going to do to me? What do you think we're going to do? You're going to chop me up into little bits and serve me as tomorrow's special pizza? Yuck! Eww! We are going to use all our witchly powers, and cure you.
You wouldn't dare! Cure me? Unless you like being a werewolf? Well, did you just say that you'd cure me? Oh, sure, it's easy.
All we do is slop a little brew in the microwave and, uh, you'll be a new woman in no time.
You'd really do that for me? It's not like I have a date tonight.
You see, we supernatural women have to stick together.
Yeah! All right.
Good.
Thank you.
This is it, gents, the trendiest place in town.
Great.
You're gonna love it.
MAN: I've got about an hour.
(SNICKERING) And once you're cured, we'll initiate you into the witchly arts, and teach you the secrets of pizza cookery.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, and maybe someday you could open up a franchise for us and spread all our wickedness.
But you guys are in a pizza parlor.
I mean, shouldn't you be standing around a cauldron someplace? (EXCLAIMS) That is a cruel stereotype.
Cauldrons went out with the toaster oven.
We run the trendiest restaurant in town, attracting the young, the powerful, and they're going no place but up.
Unless they come here.
And then they're going no place.
(LAUGHING) Bink! No more young and powerful.
I love being a witch! So you kill them? Oh, well, that's what witches do.
Oh, it's better than joining a sorority.
Yeah.
You're gonna love it.
Come on, let's hurry up and cure her so we can show her.
In a potion horrible and grim, kill the beast that tears limb from limb.
Kill? Oh, it's just an expression.
Forces of the night, I do call, glow of the moon CRAIG: Yo! Pizza is the food of the hip.
Mmm-hmm.
It's the food of the young.
Yeah.
It has all three food groups and, besides, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles love the stuff.
(LAUGHING) Yo! Can we get some service, please? (RINGING BELL) I thought I locked the door.
It doesn't matter, the cure, the cure.
Oh, we'll get back to it.
What? Sorry.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, we're closed.
Nonsense.
We have a reservation.
CHRISTIANA: I don't recall making a reservation.
Are you sure you didn't get a call from Abe Lincoln? Well, since you put it that way.
Your best table, please.
Right this way.
Randi, why are you hiding? Um, I'm kind of shy around men.
(SIGHS) If you were a werewolf, you'd be weird, too.
May I suggest the house special? With double everything.
Oh, right away.
Oh! Looks like you get initiated before you get cured.
I think I'd initiate much better if I were cured first.
CHRISTIANA: Help us make the house special for that charming young executive.
Bye-bye to another of the rich and powerful.
Eye of newt.
Toe of frog.
Wool of bat.
Tongue of dog.
Green of pepper.
(SIGHS) Okay, she's not a natural.
We all can't be.
For a charm of powerful trouble, like hell-broth, boil and bubble.
(SPITTING) Well, it couldn't hurt.
(LAUGHS) Serve our guests.
Me? Yes, then when they're reduced to cockroaches, we'll grind them up and use them up and use them in your cure.
How nice.
(GIGGLES) Red Waterway would capitalize on the proven appeal of accidents.
MAN: Yeah.
And add the breathtaking beauty of our nation's beaches.
The possibilities are endless.
MAN: I think so.
Jetskis, motorboats, sharks.
The demographics'll be unbelievable.
(ALL AGREEING) MAN: Dig in.
I can't do it.
It's murder.
Don't eat that pizza, you guys! Randi? Randi, what are you doing here? You two know each other? Sure, she works for Skip Seville.
Skip? MAN: Who's that? There is no more Skip, babe! (ALL GASP) Now, there is only Ratman! (HISSING) MAN 1: Let's go.
MAN 2: Let's get out of here.
I prowl the shadows.
I feed on darkness.
I am evil, and evil is me.
(SNICKERING) You made a foul error when you crossed me.
Now, prepare to die, hell-spawn.
(GROWLING) Hey, Mr.
Ratman.
(CAT MEOWING) Lan! The health inspector? So true, and the health inspector has decided to close this place down.
Because it is infested with rats.
(SKIP HISSING) Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty.
Oh, thank you.
Not so fast.
Not so fast.
There's something you have to do for me first.
Eat.
(LAUGHING) Oh, we never eat anything we cook ourselves.
We couldn't.
We'd be turned into cockroaches.
It's your little choice.
Either you eat the pizza, or he eats you.
There goes my cure, scurrying away.
(HISSING) Pizza, please.
Hey, Mr.
Ratman, you're favorite pizza dish.
Oh! Extra cheese! (CHUCKLING) Wow! What a rush! (SIGHS) How did you do that? I fought a spell with a spell.
I took the pizza they gave me, added some of their ingredients, and cooked it up.
And, presto, anti-pizza.
What the hell was that? (CAT MEOWING) What? That? That was Ratman.
Skip's newest exciting superhero character.
Yeah.
IAN: Well, we hope you enjoyed our little demonstration.
Enjoyed? I loved it.
What a series! Wait till the station guys here about this! Hey, guys! The next new series, Ratman! The possibilities are endless.
Rabies, exterminators, infestations.
(LAUGHING) Don't you just love the television business? Yeah.
I hope you're hungry.
I've made a special consolation dinner.
That sounds lovely.
What am I being consoled for? I'm afraid the show is not going national.
Oh, gosh, I thought Craig loved monsters.
He does.
That's why he's going with Adventures of Ratman.
Best idea Skip ever had.
If only he could remember having it.
Hmm, so what gourmet delicacy are you making tonight? Oh, something unique.
Let's see, so far you've made me truites Saint-Amour, chow pan san yan and venison stew.
Maybe we should have something Chilean.
Tonight, I'm making an Assyro-Babylonian dish.
What? De praestigiis daemonum et incantationibus et veneficiis.
Sounds delicious.
What is it? A germ culture? That's the name of the book.
The dish is called Pepperoni pizza.
Pepperoni pizza? With a smidgen of adder's tongue and maiger root.
Listen, how can you even think about pizza after what we've just gone through? Actually, that is all I have been thinking about.
I took the enchanted ingredients from the restaurant and have been applying what I've learned.
If I can cure Skip, then I can cure you.
Do you think so? Well, it's worth a try.
I've cast a spell on this pizza.
What are you going to turn me into? A human being.
Ah, well, thank you very much.
I mean, a normal human being.
Right now, you're a werewolf, even if you are the most beautiful werewolf I've ever seen.
Ha-ha! If you think you're going to redeem yourself on that last comment, you can forget it.
I'd rather redeem myself with a cooking.
This pizza should hold your cure and be an absolute rare delicacy for me.
Okay.
Bon appétit.
RANDl: Lan, I don't feel so good.
IAN: Oh, well, back to the drawing board.
So I have enough votes to take the entire company from him.
Correct.
You know what he says to me? He says, " My grandfather came to this country with nothing, "and he built this business.
We have a responsibility to his memory.
" So what'd you say? I said, " Cheer up, Pops.
You're just like your grandpa, "except he came with nothing, you're leaving with nothing!" (ALL LAUGHING) You are heartless! I think I could learn to like being a big fish.
Yes.
Oh, beer drought! Where's the wait-bunny? Watch this.
(EXCLAIMS) Excuse me.
I need you.
I'll be right with you.
Uh-uh, no good.
I need service with a smile, right now.
We're big fish, honey, and we demand attention.
Can you give me some? And uh, some beer? (PERRY LAUGHING) Who needs a doormat when they've got Annabeth around? (SIGHING) I just can't believe what she puts up with.
Oh, she's young.
She'll learn.
I would've smacked his head so hard it would've been spinning in 40 directions.
And maybe you'll learn a little, too.
Thanks, babe.
(LAUGHING) (SIGHS) Give me two pitchers.
You're not gonna serve those creeps? Customer's always right.
(SIGHING) Aren't they? Not when they start messing with my girls, they're not.
I say we just boot their butts out of here.
No, let's give them something special to eat.
On the house.
They are important.
Yeah, they're real big fish.
Exactly.
They wouldn't call it an unfriendly takeover if it was nice! (LAUGHING) Oh, about time.
We're only dying of thirst over here.
Oh, I know.
And to show you just how sorry I am for taking so long, I've brought you a special pizza.
On the house.
All right! Now, that's what happens when you're a big fish.
And you haven't seen anything yet.
I told you she wants me.
(EXCLAIMING) Dig in.
Ooh, geez! (SNIFFS) Mmm.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh! Shall we? That's one big fish.
JULIA: I know (ANNABETH GIGGLES) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Why are you tearing down lan's set? Gotta make room for the new one.
Listen, what do you think? Which do you like better, the starship bridge, nice, or the life-size Bates Motel? Ooh! You've got to be kidding.
Yeah.
You're right.
We want upscale, we want class.
Forget the starship.
The Bates Motel.
You see, lan would be like the manager, and every week a guest would occupy a different room.
He could become the Anthony Perkins of broadcast journalism.
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) Well, I'm so glad he won't lose his credibility.
Skip, how many times do we have to tell you? This is a serious show about the exploration of the supernatural.
We have to treat it with respect.
Oh, absolute reverence.
Yes.
You think painting blood stains on the shower tiles would be too much? Please, Skip, let's just forget for one minute that we'd even consider doing a show as repugnant as that.
Because, Skip, we both know that these sets would cost a fortune, and we don't have a fortune.
Yes, but Craig Marcus does and he's interested in syndicating your show nationally.
Who's Craig Marcus? (LAUGHING) Who's Craig? He's the genius that made Red Highway a national sensation.
Red Highway? Yeah, 30 minutes of sizzling footage of fatal traffic accidents every week.
Television at its finest.
Oh, my God.
The man is a genius in this biz.
He will be here tomorrow, and when he is, I will expect you to cater to his every desire.
What shall I do? Run over a few pedestrians? Hey, whatever it takes.
We are going to make this deal happen.
Skip! So, Bambi, did you figure out the Jell-O? (SIGHS) There's a trick to Jell-O.
It's not as easy as it looks.
Well, it's probably 'cause the writing is so little on those boxes.
(LAUGHS) It's all English to me.
You mean Greek.
So that's why I couldn't understand it.
(GROANS) Well, we're off to celebrate at the trendiest new restaurant in town.
Want to make it a threesome? No, thanks.
I think I'd rather poke my eyes out with toothpicks and then stick them in Tabasco sauce.
A simple " no" would have sufficed.
She's so emotional.
(CHATTERING) All right, stand back.
Celebrities coming through.
Watch out.
Stand back.
Important people coming in.
Two, no smoking.
Excuse me, you're going to have to wait your turn.
Excuse me? I don't think you know who you're talking to.
A jerk? Guess again, tootsie.
This little gal can put this dive on the map or wipe it right out of existence.
This is Bambi.
Sorry about your mom, but you still have to wait for a table.
It's not that Bambi.
Excuse me, this gal is Channel 89's restaurant critic, star of Bikini Baking with Bambi, culinary expert and 36-D cup.
(CHUCKLES) We'll expect your best table, free food, and lots of sucking up.
Skip! Skip, what are you doing here? And who's she? I'm sorry, did you say Skip? (LAUGHING) She thinks I'm Skip.
Aren't you Skip? (LAUGHING) I fooled you too! Isn't that a riot? No, no.
I'm Julio.
(CLEARS THROAT) Skip's twin brother.
(STUTTERING) I just got in from the Orient.
I left Skip at home.
He's writing love letters, actually.
Is that so? Yeah, so this is where you work.
I mean, uh, Skip always wondered where you worked.
No.
You could never be Skip.
Because Skip would never two-time me.
The Skipster? No, never.
Oh! The man is a virtual paragon of virtue.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, they call him Mr.
Fidelity, yeah, when they're not calling him Mr.
Honesty, Mr.
Truthfulness, Mr.
All-Around Great Guy.
(LAUGHS) Yes! Skip sets a high moral standard that many men aspire to, but few can attain.
Right this way, Julio.
I'm glad you're not Skip.
Skip likes me to pretend I'm an Indy 500 racecar driver and (EXCLAIMS) My! What lovely decor.
You know, I ought to put some sawdust on the floor at my place.
You know, it'd save time doing the linoleum.
Not that I'd want to deprive you of the pleasure.
Yup! Geez, what do you put on these pizzas? Gold doubloons? Oh, Julio.
Your money's no good here.
Oh, well, then it has something in common with my credit cards.
They're no good anywhere.
(LAUGHS) I kid.
No, it'll be my pleasure to take care of you both.
How does the house special sound? My treat.
Sounds scrumptious.
Hmm.
Just like you.
So, uh, what do you say later on you pretend that you're a rock singer and I'm But I don't know how to sing.
Don't worry.
The trick is knowing how to handle the microphone.
What are you doing? That's for table five! Not any more it isn't.
Oh, no! We have a celebrity in the house.
And she deserves special, immediate attention.
Ferret nostril? Ground lizard tongue? Oh, this is special.
I thought I was the only one.
I thought Skip only drove the Indy 500 with me.
Skip? The man who is single-handedly reshaping the television industry? You said he had a body like Adonis and a mind like Aristotle.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Oh, how can you be so calm? I mean the man is clearly a rat.
And you should let him know it.
Just you watch me.
I love being with you.
I feel like I can relax and just let my hair down.
Oh, why stop there? Ah! Here we go.
Enjoy! Well, thank you.
I'm sure Skip would appreciate this.
Hmm, I'm counting on it.
Yeah.
All right.
Eat up! You're going to need your strength later.
(GROWLS) Whoa! Where are you going? We haven't even eaten yet? When you let your hair down, you don't kid around.
(SCREAMING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (ALL GIGGLING) Oh, the bimbo.
The rat.
Oh, what a cruel world.
Blind date.
(LAUGHING) Oh, yes! Did I show him! No, you showed her.
He got off easy.
Oh, fine! Well, what would you do? Make sure he never forgets the rat he really is.
(ALL GIGGLING) Uh-huh.
So how'd you like to have your own show? Here's the deal.
You supply the spatula, we'll supply the bikini.
I'll pass.
She prefers the anonymity of producing.
Yeah? Well, she won't be anonymous for long.
How Strange is going to be a national sensation! Oh, pizza? "Think of me as you enjoy lunch today, because I will be thinking of you.
Annabeth.
" Aah.
Just another offering from one of my many admirers.
You know, you could learn something from her about slavish devotion.
Hey! Craig Marcus will be here any minute.
You could start by offering him your body.
(INHALES) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) RANDl: You are disgus Mmm, come in.
Mr.
Seville? Get lost, kid.
I'm not buying any magazine subscriptions.
Yeah, look Scram! Mr.
Seville, I'm Craig.
You're Craig? Craig Marcus.
The genius behind Red Highway.
RANDl: Figures.
You're Craig Marcus? This damn door.
(LAUGHING) Oh! It's always closing on people.
It's a real hell.
Please, come in.
I want you to enjoy Get me the owner of this building! I want this door taken care of today or you'll face my lawyers tomorrow! WOMAN: Yes, Mr.
Seville.
I'm Craig.
Lan Matheson.
My producer, Randi Wallace.
Hi.
I like your show.
Oh, I'm glad you appreciate the in-depth study of mythology.
It's neat.
So are the demographics.
Dad gave me an Apple for Christmas, and I've been running some numbers.
Oh, that's a coincidence, I used to run numbers.
(LAUGHING) Well, you know, it beat having a paper route.
Well, boys will be boys.
What? Skip, you have whiskers.
You should shave.
You know, I just started.
I could teach you.
IAN: Listen, I'm glad you enjoy the show, but I'm not really interested in going national.
Lan.
Perhaps you've heard of Bikini Baking with Bambi? I'm sure you'll find that neat.
Love the new look.
So, got any shaving cream? Uh, I use electric.
You know, lan, going national with your show might not be such an awful thing.
True.
Working for a 17-year-old boy, that would be an awful thing.
Worse than working for Skip? Uh, I'll think about that, and get back to you.
The point is, if we go national we would enlarge our audience by millions, and that's millions of people that could lead us to a cure.
And we'll lose whatever anonymity we have, which will seriously hinder our investigation into the supernatural, and finding your cure.
It's a two-edged sword, Randi.
It's a vicious circle.
And no fun at all.
I guess we should think about this some more.
You know what? I suggest we think about this under the stars, hand-in-hand, walking along the sea shore.
Boy, you sure know how to change a girl's mind.
Well, I try.
(CHUCKLES) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) You get it.
You get it.
You get it.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES) Doc, you gotta do something.
You gotta to help me! Well, well, well.
Look at what the cat dragged in.
Cat? Do you have a cat? Where's the cat? Is he here? Shoo! Scat! (SKIP HISSING) Skip.
It's just an expression.
Why are you so freaked-out? You'd be freaked out too, if you were turning into a rat! Has anything unusual happened to you in the last few days? You mean besides turning into a rodent? You know, there's a certain poetic justice about this.
Yes, there is.
Have you made any enemies lately? You got a calculator? I'm not too good at adding up numbers in my head.
Listen, we're talking about just the past few days? Well, there was the Mercedes I sideswiped, but the guy had no business parking so close to the handicapped spot.
(SIGHING) Did you leave a note? Are you kidding? And then there's Bambi.
When I found out at the pizza parlor that she was really a hideous hag camouflaged under expertly applied make-up, I was morally outraged.
Three Girls from Salem.
(GROANS) I can't turn into a rat now.
I'm right in the middle of trying to cut a big-money syndication deal.
He was eating pizza when he sprouted whiskers.
What exactly happened in the pizza parlor, Skip? Nothing, only because I think fast on my feet.
(SIGHS) I ran into a waitress I've been dating.
She thought I was two-timing her with Bambi, but I convinced her I was my twin brother Julio.
A very clever ruse.
I think we're on to something.
This waitress's name wouldn't happen to be Annabeth, would it? Uh, yeah.
So what? God, do we really have to help him? If they did this to Skip, think how many other people could be in danger.
Hey, if they can turn him into a rat, then maybe they could cure me.
There's one way to find out.
Excuse me, you guys got any gouda? (SIGHS) ANNABETH: I'm so glad you got the job.
Hmm, me too, I am thrilled.
I think you're really going to like it here.
I mean we have so much fun and the atmosphere is really friendly.
Oh, yeah, of course, the pay isn't great, but then again, who takes a job like this for the money, anyway? (LAUGHS) Certainly not me.
I'm just glad to be working with friendly people.
You know, my last boss, she was a real witch.
Come on, girls.
There's customers waiting.
Oh, we better go.
Things get really crazy around here.
I'll bet.
(COUGHING) Thank you, Skip, for making my week.
CHRISTIANA: Randi! Um Yes! I was just looking for time cards.
Oh, we don't have time cards.
I don't believe in punching a clock.
Oh, that's a relief.
Neither do I.
So, um, where do I start? Right now, at the bottom, bussing tables, serving pizza, wiping up spilled beers.
Hmm.
But, Randi, we're expanding, and we're looking for managers to run our franchises.
We're like one big family.
Hmm.
And the girls that do well here, they become my sisters.
And those who don't? Oh, they become something else.
Ah.
Well, I wouldn't want that to happen.
Neither would I.
Welcome to the pizza business.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, waitress! Where's our food? Coming, coming! MAN: Can we please get a menu? Hang on, just a second okay? Just give me a brake, all right, for one second? I'll have your change in a minute.
RANDl: I need some help out here! (GLASSES CLINKING) Waitress! Yes? I have been waiting.
I'm sorry, so has everyone I am Claire Preston.
I phoned in an order over 35 minutes ago.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm sorry I was very explicit on the phone.
I said that I would be here in exactly 25 minutes, and that I expected the pizza to be ready.
(LAUGHING) I have been waiting over 10 minutes.
that's a shame.
I have a 12 million dollar deal that could fall apart if my timing is not perfect.
I can't stand around here like a potted palm simply because your kitchen is incompetent! Miss Preston, sorry for the delay.
We wanted to make this pizza very special.
No pizza is worth Oh, this'll be worth much more than that.
(GROANS) Wait, she didn't pay for her pizza.
Oh, she will.
Damn right.
Uh, Randi! (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me, you forgot to pay for that.
Forget? I didn't forget.
I paid with my time.
Yeah, well, we prefer cash.
Oh, do you now? Yeah.
Well, why don't you remember that next time you leave someone sitting around like a potted palm.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Did she pay you? No, she's leaves.
I mean, she left.
She left! (LAUGHS) Oh, well.
Your shift is just about over now anyway, isn't it? Yeah.
But before you go, I have something for you.
How can you sell our pizza if you don't know just how special it is? Uh, no, I think I have an idea.
Take it anyway.
It's my treat.
All right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Good night.
SKIP: How can you read at a time like this? You may not have noticed it, but this happy-go-lucky fella is turning into a rat.
Something unprecedented in the history of the world is happening in your apartment, and all you can do is think about something interesting to read.
This is The Art of Wicca.
Oh! Fine.
Thinking of redecorating? You should be looking for something to help me out! I said Wicca, with an " a," not wicker.
It's the Old English phrase for witchcraft.
I think you're the victim of black magic.
(GROWLS) Randi will find out if it's the pizza.
If it is, I need to understand the spell if I'm going to reverse its effects.
Tell you what.
This isn't happening.
No way, no how.
I am S-k-k-k-kip Seville.
I'm a swinging, hip, happening guy of the '90s.
Today, now, this instant.
This my world, brother, and I've tamed it.
I got the Teflon frying pans, the cellular phones, and the acrylic sweaters to prove it.
So listen up.
There's no such thing as witchcraft.
I am not turning to a rat! Glad we got that sorted out.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (WHISPERING) SKIP: Who is it? (WHISPERING) Craig Marcus.
No! He can't see me like this! Why not? He might think you're neat and give you a sitcom.
Hey, now there's a thought.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) CRAIG: Hello in there! Just a moment! Put this over your head and lean over this kettle.
Do you have any idea how much money Alf made? And he was just a puppet.
Be quiet, and let me handle this.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mr.
Marcus, what a delightful surprise.
I'm afraid I can't come out to play right now.
Oh, I came to talk business.
But if you want to go miniature golfing afterwards, I'm game.
I'd love to.
Unfortunately, I have to take care of a very sick friend.
(SNIFFING) IAN: He's got a terrible head cold.
Why is he sitting on a pile of shredded newspapers? He's a voracious reader.
Just tears through reading material when he's sick.
What do you say we discuss this tomorrow, at the studio I'd rather not, I don't want Skip involved.
IAN: Any particular reason? CRAIG: Yeah.
He's a crook with no one's interest at heart but his own.
You're very perceptive.
(SCOFFS) That's why stations pay me to pick shows for them.
In fact, I'm meeting with a group of station owners tonight, and I'd like you to come.
What makes you think they want my show? I'm 17-years-old, I know what today's viewers want.
They want monsters.
Then you're going to love this, you little runt.
Oops! It's time for Julio's enema.
Can we talk another time? Unless of course, you want to give me a hand? Uh, we'll confab on the cellular.
(SIGHS) An enema, a pizza, and a potted palm? (LAUGHS) I don't get it.
Grown up stuff.
Yeah.
Bye.
Lan, the Three Gals from Salem are witches, and their combination pizza is deadly.
You're not kidding.
Oh, my God, he's changing so fast.
There isn't much time.
The faster he's changing, the less human he becomes.
Really? How can you tell? This is serious! Rats are vicious deadly creatures.
We don't even know if he's had a rabies shot.
How do you like that kid? Wining and dining station owners without me? I'm going to have to (SNIFFING) Mmm.
Do I detect some cheese? Um We really shouldn't let him eat that.
It could be cursed.
Well, how much worse can it get? Ah! Greenery! (LAUGHS) Just the decorative touch this loft was missing.
Lan, that is not greenery.
That is a customer.
I mean, it was a customer until they turned her into that.
Well, at least she doesn't have to worry about putting on weight.
I think it's time we took this situation in hand.
What do you have in mind? A cunning plan.
A plan so cunning you could skin it and make a pair of boots.
(SKIP BURPS) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Oh! Hi! Table for one? (LAUGHING) I wouldn't dare eat here.
You wouldn't? Not at least until Fumigation? Ah-ha! Notice the texture of the cheese? See these bubbles? Uh-huh.
They could be rancid blisters filled with plague.
Or they just could be, friendly old bubbles.
Hmm.
Who knows? That is what I'm here to find out.
Randall Hopkirk, Department of Health.
(EXCLAIMS) WOMAN: Come on, boys, let's get out of here.
You have no right driving out all my customers! A right, a duty and a responsibility, madam.
Ah! You! Follow me.
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
I operate a clean and sanitary restaurant.
I shall be the judge of that.
(SIGHING) IAN: A worm? We have an eclectic menu.
I see.
That's why we're so popular.
Popularity has nothing to do with cleanliness.
The president is popular.
Do you think that matters to the salmonella germ? No! No! A warm intestine is a warm intestine.
Give me a break.
Do you have a problem, miss? Isn't this all a bit much? (SHOUTING) Much? Much? Do you know what much is? (INHALES DEEPLY) Much is descending upon this germ pit with a decontamination team.
It is dismantling this place nail by nail, studying each microbe with such intimacy we're on a first name basis, and then, only then, do we allow you to serve a single grain of pure, undiluted salt.
(SIGHS) Are we clear? Good.
That completes my examination.
Thank you.
Forgive us.
We've had a hard day and we're taking it out on you.
All we want to do is serve wholesome and enriching food to our community, and meet your exacting standards, which we are.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) But why don't you decide for yourself? Give Mr.
Hopkirk a pizza to go.
My pleasure.
Oh, but I couldn't.
I insist.
(SWITCH CLICKING) SKIP: Forget it.
I gnawed through the wires.
Of course.
Why turn off the lights when you can eat the wire instead? SKIP: I don't like the light.
It hurts my eyes.
Skip? Where are you? SKIP: Did you bring me any cheese? No.
But I made the witches hate me so much, they made me a cursed pizza.
I'm going to use it, with some of the ingredients I stole, to try and make you a cure.
An anti-pizza.
(LAUGHING) It might work.
SKIP: I don't need a cure I'm Ratman.
Oh What about a cape and an emblem? There's only one thing that would make me feel better now.
What's that? Kill the witches.
But you'll still be a rat.
Yes.
But I'd feel better about myself.
I couldn't let you do that.
Oh, too bad.
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Oh, Skip.
(SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERING) (LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMS) Are you all right? Yes.
You, uh, you startled me.
Take this.
What do you want me to do with it? What do you think? I don't know.
How about sweeping the floor? Sweep? (GIGGLING) Of course, sweep.
Yes, I can sweep.
I can do that.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
I'm a sweeping demon.
(HUMMING) That girl is strange.
I thought so, too.
Which is why I took this from her shoulder.
You know, scientists can tell a lot about a person from a single strand of hair, magnifying it until they see the DNA right in their eye.
Huh.
That's a stupid waste of time.
I mean, why don't they just do it the easy way? Calling fiends and specters deep, by force of potent spell.
Reveal the secrets we do seek, the truth she dare not tell.
What is the use of having sawdust on the floor, if you're only going to sweep it up? (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) I mean, what a clever idea.
You're not fooling us.
All right then.
I think it's a pretty stupid idea.
We know everything.
Everything? You came here because, somehow, you discovered we're witches.
What are you going to do to me? What do you think we're going to do? You're going to chop me up into little bits and serve me as tomorrow's special pizza? Yuck! Eww! We are going to use all our witchly powers, and cure you.
You wouldn't dare! Cure me? Unless you like being a werewolf? Well, did you just say that you'd cure me? Oh, sure, it's easy.
All we do is slop a little brew in the microwave and, uh, you'll be a new woman in no time.
You'd really do that for me? It's not like I have a date tonight.
You see, we supernatural women have to stick together.
Yeah! All right.
Good.
Thank you.
This is it, gents, the trendiest place in town.
Great.
You're gonna love it.
MAN: I've got about an hour.
(SNICKERING) And once you're cured, we'll initiate you into the witchly arts, and teach you the secrets of pizza cookery.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, and maybe someday you could open up a franchise for us and spread all our wickedness.
But you guys are in a pizza parlor.
I mean, shouldn't you be standing around a cauldron someplace? (EXCLAIMS) That is a cruel stereotype.
Cauldrons went out with the toaster oven.
We run the trendiest restaurant in town, attracting the young, the powerful, and they're going no place but up.
Unless they come here.
And then they're going no place.
(LAUGHING) Bink! No more young and powerful.
I love being a witch! So you kill them? Oh, well, that's what witches do.
Oh, it's better than joining a sorority.
Yeah.
You're gonna love it.
Come on, let's hurry up and cure her so we can show her.
In a potion horrible and grim, kill the beast that tears limb from limb.
Kill? Oh, it's just an expression.
Forces of the night, I do call, glow of the moon CRAIG: Yo! Pizza is the food of the hip.
Mmm-hmm.
It's the food of the young.
Yeah.
It has all three food groups and, besides, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles love the stuff.
(LAUGHING) Yo! Can we get some service, please? (RINGING BELL) I thought I locked the door.
It doesn't matter, the cure, the cure.
Oh, we'll get back to it.
What? Sorry.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, we're closed.
Nonsense.
We have a reservation.
CHRISTIANA: I don't recall making a reservation.
Are you sure you didn't get a call from Abe Lincoln? Well, since you put it that way.
Your best table, please.
Right this way.
Randi, why are you hiding? Um, I'm kind of shy around men.
(SIGHS) If you were a werewolf, you'd be weird, too.
May I suggest the house special? With double everything.
Oh, right away.
Oh! Looks like you get initiated before you get cured.
I think I'd initiate much better if I were cured first.
CHRISTIANA: Help us make the house special for that charming young executive.
Bye-bye to another of the rich and powerful.
Eye of newt.
Toe of frog.
Wool of bat.
Tongue of dog.
Green of pepper.
(SIGHS) Okay, she's not a natural.
We all can't be.
For a charm of powerful trouble, like hell-broth, boil and bubble.
(SPITTING) Well, it couldn't hurt.
(LAUGHS) Serve our guests.
Me? Yes, then when they're reduced to cockroaches, we'll grind them up and use them up and use them in your cure.
How nice.
(GIGGLES) Red Waterway would capitalize on the proven appeal of accidents.
MAN: Yeah.
And add the breathtaking beauty of our nation's beaches.
The possibilities are endless.
MAN: I think so.
Jetskis, motorboats, sharks.
The demographics'll be unbelievable.
(ALL AGREEING) MAN: Dig in.
I can't do it.
It's murder.
Don't eat that pizza, you guys! Randi? Randi, what are you doing here? You two know each other? Sure, she works for Skip Seville.
Skip? MAN: Who's that? There is no more Skip, babe! (ALL GASP) Now, there is only Ratman! (HISSING) MAN 1: Let's go.
MAN 2: Let's get out of here.
I prowl the shadows.
I feed on darkness.
I am evil, and evil is me.
(SNICKERING) You made a foul error when you crossed me.
Now, prepare to die, hell-spawn.
(GROWLING) Hey, Mr.
Ratman.
(CAT MEOWING) Lan! The health inspector? So true, and the health inspector has decided to close this place down.
Because it is infested with rats.
(SKIP HISSING) Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty.
Oh, thank you.
Not so fast.
Not so fast.
There's something you have to do for me first.
Eat.
(LAUGHING) Oh, we never eat anything we cook ourselves.
We couldn't.
We'd be turned into cockroaches.
It's your little choice.
Either you eat the pizza, or he eats you.
There goes my cure, scurrying away.
(HISSING) Pizza, please.
Hey, Mr.
Ratman, you're favorite pizza dish.
Oh! Extra cheese! (CHUCKLING) Wow! What a rush! (SIGHS) How did you do that? I fought a spell with a spell.
I took the pizza they gave me, added some of their ingredients, and cooked it up.
And, presto, anti-pizza.
What the hell was that? (CAT MEOWING) What? That? That was Ratman.
Skip's newest exciting superhero character.
Yeah.
IAN: Well, we hope you enjoyed our little demonstration.
Enjoyed? I loved it.
What a series! Wait till the station guys here about this! Hey, guys! The next new series, Ratman! The possibilities are endless.
Rabies, exterminators, infestations.
(LAUGHING) Don't you just love the television business? Yeah.
I hope you're hungry.
I've made a special consolation dinner.
That sounds lovely.
What am I being consoled for? I'm afraid the show is not going national.
Oh, gosh, I thought Craig loved monsters.
He does.
That's why he's going with Adventures of Ratman.
Best idea Skip ever had.
If only he could remember having it.
Hmm, so what gourmet delicacy are you making tonight? Oh, something unique.
Let's see, so far you've made me truites Saint-Amour, chow pan san yan and venison stew.
Maybe we should have something Chilean.
Tonight, I'm making an Assyro-Babylonian dish.
What? De praestigiis daemonum et incantationibus et veneficiis.
Sounds delicious.
What is it? A germ culture? That's the name of the book.
The dish is called Pepperoni pizza.
Pepperoni pizza? With a smidgen of adder's tongue and maiger root.
Listen, how can you even think about pizza after what we've just gone through? Actually, that is all I have been thinking about.
I took the enchanted ingredients from the restaurant and have been applying what I've learned.
If I can cure Skip, then I can cure you.
Do you think so? Well, it's worth a try.
I've cast a spell on this pizza.
What are you going to turn me into? A human being.
Ah, well, thank you very much.
I mean, a normal human being.
Right now, you're a werewolf, even if you are the most beautiful werewolf I've ever seen.
Ha-ha! If you think you're going to redeem yourself on that last comment, you can forget it.
I'd rather redeem myself with a cooking.
This pizza should hold your cure and be an absolute rare delicacy for me.
Okay.
Bon appétit.
RANDl: Lan, I don't feel so good.
IAN: Oh, well, back to the drawing board.