The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e19 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Goin' down Cripple
Creek go on and run ♪
Goin' down Cripple
Creek to have a little fun ♪
Roll my britches
to my knees ♪
Oh, howdy, Barney.
I see you got your
paycheck this month.
Yeah, I got it.
Is something wrong with it?
Yes, there's
something wrong with it.
Well, what?
This check's made
out to Barney Fife.
It oughta be made
out to Barney Sucker.
What?
Look at all these
deductions and this tax.
There's nothing left,
for heaven sakes.
Barney Sucker, that's who
it oughta be made out to.
Oh, Barney.
Yeah, that's me, Barney Sucker.
It's open season on Barney.
Come on, everybody
let's all take a bite
out of Barney Fife.
Now, come on.
Good ol' Barney.
He makes it, he's
got it, let's take it.
Now, Barney, you
just simmer down.
Now, they're all legitimate
government deductions.
Besides, you know what they say.
Can't take it with you.
Take it with me?
They keep nibblin'
at me like this
I'll be lucky if I
get to go myself.
The only thing to do, I guess
is invest my money
in some good stock.
You know, something
that zooms overnight.
Happens, you know.
Oil stocks and uranium.
Uh, you better watch
this investin' business.
Woods are full of con men.
You'd be just ripe
for the pluckin', too.
Me? Ha, ha.
Not likely. Not old
eagle-eye Barney.
No?
Well, now, I tell you
if you're really
considerin' investin'
why don't you
try coin collectin'?
Coin collectin'?
For investing?
Well sure.
It's a good hobby,
and you can't never tell
when you'll run
across a rare old coin.
Might bring you a
whole lot of money.
A coin?
Cut it out.
Well, sure.
Look here, look right here.
Here. Yeah.
See that nickel right there?
Yeah.
Now, I paid ten
dollars for that nickel.
Month later, fellow
offered me 50 for it.
Wouldn't surprise me a
bit if I was to advertise it,
I'd get, oh, a couple
hundred dollars.
For a nickel?
Yeah.
How come?
Well, they made a
mistake at the Mint.
Look right here. See
that buffalo right there?
Yeah?
Facing the wrong way.
I'll be darned.
Facing the wrong way, huh?
Yeah.
Huh. And that makes it valuable?
Yup.
Yeah, I don't expect
there's more than two or three
in the whole country.
No foolin'?
Mm-hmm.
And it keeps
increasin' in value?
Yeah, the fewer there
are on the market, yeah.
You say there's only two?
Oh, two or three at the most.
Mm
ahem, uh
you wouldn't want
to sell it, would you?
Hmm?
You know of somebody
wants to buy it?
Well, I might buy it.
You might?
Hmm.
I couldn't give
you no $200, but
might go $50.
( chuckles)
$75?
$75's a deal?
Well, all right.
Thank you, Andy.
Yeah.
How about that?
Let me just compare
this with a regular nickel.
Let's see there.
Hey, Andy, the buffalo on this
nickel's facin' the same way!
Oh, let me see that rare nickel.
Now, now, now, which
way's the buffalo facing
on your regular nickel?
That way.
Well, you see, the
buffalo on this rare nickel's
facing that way.
Yeah. See?
See there?
Yeah, yeah.
I'll be darned.
Yeah.
Hey, now mine's
facing the same way.
Darn you, Andy!
Well, Barney, I, I was
just trying to show you
how easy it'd be
for you to get taken.
Well, I didn't think I
was going to get taken
by my own friend
for heaven sakes.
Well, I'm sorry.
Let's just forget it.
Hi, Andy. Hi, Barney.
ANDY: Oh, hi, Ellie.
This is Mr. Maxwell
from New York.
Mr. Maxwell, this is
our sheriff, Andy Taylor
and his deputy, Barney Fife.
Oh.
How do you do, sir?
How are you? Howdy.
Hello, Deputy.
You a salesman, are you?
Oh no, no, this
isn't a sample case.
This is a portable
tape recorder.
Mr. Maxwell makes, uh,
recordings of folk songs
all over the world.
He might want to do an album
with some of the
people around here.
Oh, well, I 'spect
that'd tickle everybody,
don't you, Barney?
As a matter of fact,
I stopped in the drugstore
to get a bite to eat,
and I got to talking
to Miss Walker,
and she said that
possibly you could steer me
to some of the
talent around here.
Oh, I wouldn't be surprised.
Say, this the first time
I ever seen one of these
doohickeys in the flesh.
How do they work?
Well, let me give
you a demonstration.
Sheriff, have you got
an outlet around here?
Yeah, good place,
right over here.
Well, here's the microphone.
All we have to do is plug it in.
Got a mike and everything.
Turn it on.
Huh.
Now, here, Deputy, you
hold that in your hand.
Now
( machine starts up)
Now, go ahead, say something
right into the mike.
Go ahead, Barney, say something.
Ahem.
( clearing his throat)
( coughing)
( awkwardly): Uh,
t-testing, one, two, hello?
Uh, say something official.
Something you say every
day as a deputy sheriff.
Oh, oh, yeah that.
Of course.
Uh, ahem, uh
Mayberry unit number one.
Uh, ahem, to all units.
Uh, roger and o-over.
Over and, uh, and,
over and under.
Uh, four-ten, ten-fou
Uh, bye.
Well, that's good enough.
Well, that thing sure takes
the gumption out of you, though.
Now, let's see how you sound.
( high-pitched rewinding)
That's me?
No, that's the
rewinding of the tape.
Best not to play it too loud.
You'll round up every
hog in the county.
Now, let's press
this button here
and listen to Barney's remarks.
Uh, all units, uh, roger and
and over, over and,
uh, over and under.
Uh
Well, Deputy,
you just got a case
of mike fright.
It happens to a lot of people.
Well, I ain't much of a talker.
In my business, this baby
does my talkin' for me.
Why don't you sing a
song for Mr. Maxwell
and hear how it
comes out on tape?
Oh, no, I'm liable to come out
all "uhs" like Barney.
You might as well, Sheriff,
because if I make
an album and it sells
anybody who records for me
will get the standard
percentage fee.
Yeah?
Uh, Mr. Maxwell, I don't
reckon you'd be interested
in a small local band,
bunch of young
fellas and myself.
Got a banjer and guitars
and mandolins,
such as that in it?
Oh, it sounds great.
Oh, well, good, good.
I'll just, I'll just
get on the phone
and call the boys up
and we'll meet you over here
at Floyd's Barbershop.
Barbershop?
Yeah, we play in there
for Floyd a whole lot.
He's the barber.
We call it "Music to Snip By."
Say, uh, Mr. Maxwell
I, I think I'm over
my mike fright now.
You got enough tape left there
for a little "Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever Will Be, Will Be?"
( plays harmonica)
Turn it on.
I'm ready any time
you are, Sheriff.
Okay, now, I've been a-braggin'
on us a whole lot,
so let's do it good
for Mr. Maxwell.
All right?
( playing bluegrass music)
Used to have a old banjo ♪
It was all strung
up with twine ♪
And the only song
you could hear me sing ♪
Was "I Wish That
Gal Was Mine" ♪
Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule ♪
Whoa, mule, I say ♪
I ain't got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away ♪
Took my wife to the barnyard ♪
And I set her down to supper ♪
She got choked
on a turkey leg ♪
And stuck her
nose in the butter ♪
Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule ♪
Whoa, mule, I say ♪
I ain't got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away ♪
Face is like a coffee pot,
your nose is like a spout ♪
Your mouth is
like a fireplace ♪
With all the ashes out ♪
Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule ♪
Whoa, mule, I say ♪
I ain't got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away ♪
Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule ♪
Whoa, mule, I say ♪
I ain't got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away ♪
Whoa, mule, you kickin' mule ♪
Whoa, mule, I say ♪
I ain't got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away ♪
( song changes)
What'cha gonna do when
the well runs dry, honey? ♪
What'cha gonna do when
the well runs dry, babe? ♪
What'cha gonna do
when the well runs dry? ♪
Set on the
bank, cry, cry, cry ♪
Honey, baby mine. ♪
Oh, I thought that
was extra good.
Oh, Andy, you and the
boys sounded wonderful.
Didn't they, Mr. Maxwell?
If the rest of the
folks around here
sound as good as
you, I've got it made.
Say, Mr. Maxwell,
any time you're ready
for a little "Que Sera,
Sera," just speak up.
Oh, yes, Deputy, thanks. I will.
Well, I got a little
sheriffin' to do.
I'll get on back to the office.
Now, now, you call on the
other folks I told you about.
Thank you, Sheriff.
And thank you, Miss Walker.
Oh, well you're so welcome.
Bye-bye, boys.
We'll see you.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Maxwell.
FLOYD: Very nice, boys.
Never better.
Well, that's quite a
cooperative sheriff
you've got there.
Yeah, he is.
Say, uh, tell me, Mr. Maxwell.
This folk music album
you're putting together
is it really worth all
the fuss and bother?
Well, I think it is.
After expenses, I hope to
make 25 cents an album.
25 Cents!
Sound like chicken feed to me.
Well, it's hardly chicken feed.
Do you know that if an
album like this goes over
it can sell over 100,000 copies?
That's $25,000
dollars profit right there.
No, this has good possibilities.
$25,000?
Well, suppose it
sold more than that?
Suppose it sold,
uh, a million copies?
Yeah, a million we're
talking about, what's it?
25 cents, a hundred thou
He said, a, a
hundred. Wait a minute.
Well, that's a quarter
of a million dollars.
You're making all that
money off our folk songs?
What do we get out of it?
Well, the performers get
the standard rate of royalty.
Three cents a record.
What about us that can't sing
or play an instrument
or anything like that?
Folk songs belong to us
just the same as the others.
And, seems like we oughta
kinda share in the profits.
Isn't that right, boys?
Well, yeah, it's only fair.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm investing my own
money in this venture.
Well, then, let us
invest some money.
You mean, you want to buy stock
in the enterprise?
ALL: Right, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no, no. I wouldn't
want you to risk your money.
Besides, I hadn't planned
on issuing any stock.
Well, plan on it, plan on it.
You can't hog a whole
million dollars just to yourself.
Yeah, I've been looking
for a good investment.
Y' me, too.
And so have I.
Gentlemen, are you sure?
ALL: Yeah!
( all talking at once)
( whistling)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Market was a little
bullish yesterday.
( stops whistling)
Industrials up,
utilities moved
ahead in quiet trading.
Chemicals held firm.
Mm-hmm.
What'cha readin', Barney?
Oh, the stock market.
Now I bought into one stock
I might as well
buy into another.
What?
Well, the financial page
calls that "diversifyin'".
So, Barney Fife's
gonna diversify.
'Course, I don't
suppose you'd know
a whole lot about
that, would ya?
Want me to explain it to ya?
( clears throat)
See, when you
diversify, why, you
Barney, maybe
you'd better explain
something else first.
Did, uh, did I hear you say
you bought some stock?
That's right.
You thinkin' of comin' in?
If you ain't a plunger
you better stay out of it, boy.
You'll get killed.
Wh-what was it you invested in?
It wasn't coin
collectin', I'll tell ya that.
All right, now, what was it?
I sunk it in the
record business.
You sunk it in the
record business?
Mm-hmm.
How much did you sink?
40 bucks.
It ought to turn over
a profit right quick.
When it does, I diversify.
Now, when you diversify
Barney, Barney, Barney
where'd you buy this stock?
I bought into Mr. Maxwell's
folk song album.
I didn't know that Mr. Maxwell
was sellin' any stock.
Well, he wasn't goin' to
but me and the boys
over at the barbershop,
we talked him into it.
You talked him into it?
Yeah.
See, when Maxwell
admitted that he could make
as much as a million
dollars on the album
me and the boys, we shamed
him into lettin' us buy in.
Tried to talk his way out of it
but we cornered him good.
Barney, you know you just fell
for the oldest slicker
game in the world, don't ya?
You don't see it, do ya?
Well, it's like they say.
Stock market's
where you separate
the men from the boys.
I'll see ya, boy.
Let me know next
time you come across
one of them rare nickels
with the buffalo
facin' the wrong way.
I should have
sold him that nickel.
Then at least he'd own
somethin' worth a nickel.
I don't see anything wrong
with people
investing in his album.
If he sells it to a
big record company,
we all stand to make a profit.
"We all stand"?
Ellie you, uh, you didn't, uh
Well, yes I did.
Aw, come on now.
Don't tell me you fell for
that con game of his, too.
Are you implying
Mr. Maxwell is dishonest?
I'm not implying anything.
I just say when you
see a weasel's tracks,
lock up your hens.
Mr. Maxwell is no weasel.
He sounded
perfectly sincere to me
when he first walked in here
and I still happen
to believe him.
Well, you make it sound
as if I'm stupid and gullible.
Oh, no, Ellie, hey.
Ain't no reason for you to
get your pin feathers ruffled.
Uh, don't I don't I get
a little whipped cream?
Gollie.
Now, now, now, now take it easy.
I just want to eat it. I
don't want to climb it.
You oughta be ashamed
of yourself, Andy,
starting suspicious
rumors about Mr. Maxwell.
Well, I'm just doing my job,
protecting the folks
here in Mayberry.
That's my duty as
sheriff, you know.
You wouldn't be a little bit
jealous of him, would you?
Jealous?
Well, why would I be jealous?
Hi Paw. Hi Miss Ellie.
Oh, hi Op.
Hi, honey.
Ellie Looks good, Paw.
Well, fine. Hop
up and have some.
Now, now look, Ellie.
I didn't come in
here to start a fight.
I suppose you think I'm in
cahoots with Mr. Maxwell.
Is that what you think?
I don't think any such thing.
What are you two spattin' about?
Nothing. Eat your sundae.
Now, tell him Andy.
Tell him how suspicious you are.
How you don't trust anybody.
I trust people.
She just won't listen to reason.
I'll listen to reason,
but your father can't
give me a single good one.
Of course I can.
I'm just trying to tell her
to be careful of a stranger.
The stranger happens to be
a perfectly trustworthy man.
But she don't know that.
Well, I have no
reason to mistrust him.
Well, she's got no
reason to trust him
I happen to know an
honest face when I see one.
How'd you get into this?
I don't know.
I just came in to have
some of your sundae.
( playing bluegrass music)
( twangy bluegrass)
( playing bluegrass)
( music ends)
( clicks switch)
Oh, that was wonderful,
boys, just wonderful.
Uh, they're great, Sheriff.
I'm glad you like 'em.
It's just the music I was
looking for, authentic.
And I've got you to
thank for it, Sheriff.
Uh, yeah.
We appreciate you lettin' us
play for you, Mr. Maxwell.
Well, thank you.
We appreciate you lettin' us
buy stock in your
recording company, too.
Well, let's hope it
works well for all of us.
Well, thanks again, boys.
That'll be all for tonight.
See ya, boys.
Night, Andy.
Good night, now.
You, uh, figure these tapes
gonna really amount
to somethin', do ya?
I certainly hope so.
You know, right now
the market for folk music
is at its height.
And I have high
hopes that this project
is really gonna take me places.
Oh.
Say, Sheriff,
almost everyone around here has
insisted on becoming a partner.
Don't you want to come in, too?
Oh, no, no, no.
I guess I'm just not a plunger.
Oh.
I was pushin' him
pretty hard last night
when I got him to admit that
he's gonna round up
everythin' he can get here
and then it's bye-bye Mayberry
and bye-bye your money, too.
Oh, that don't make sense, Andy.
Why should he let
on to you, the sheriff
that he was
intendin' to skip town
with our money? Huh? Why?
ALL: Yeah, why? Why?
He-he-he didn't exactly
let on to anything.
It's just I can see through
all that fake honesty.
He even tried to
sell me some stock.
But I turned him down flat.
If you're that
suspicious of this fella,
why don't we call him
and have ourselves
a little talk with him?
That's a good idea, Floyd.
Excuse me.
Hello, Sarah?
This is official.
Get me the hotel right away.
( quietly): Barney Fife.
We'll soon see
just how much grounds you have
for suspectin' him, Andy.
If you ask me, with you I think
it's just a case of sour grapes.
Yeah, he-hello, Jason?
Ring me Mr. Maxwell's
room right away.
( quietly): Barney Fife.
Just plain sour
grapes, that's all it is.
We're all in this thing
but you ain't, so you just
Wh-What?
What'd you say, Jason?
Oh.
What is it, Barney?
Mr. Maxwell checked
out this morning.
( gasps): He skipped!
What?
MAN: We been took.
Another buffalo
pointin' the wrong way.
All right, Sergeant.
If you was to spot him,
I'd appreciate you
lettin' me know.
All right. Yes, sir.
Well, he's not in Raleigh.
Now, now where in the world
could Maxwell
have disappeared to
in six hours?
( all yelling)
All right. Quiet! Quiet
down, everybody!
Now this is law man's work.
We'll get him.
We'll put out an
all points bulletin.
We'll set up
roadblocks everywhere.
I'll get him. I'll
track him down
if it takes forever.
And then I'm gonna
bring him in alive, Andy.
Because this boy's mine.
( all talking angrily)
( men yelling)
Well, I hope you're
satisfied, Sheriff.
You've incited this entire town
against Mr. Maxwell.
Well, he did the
incitin' when he left.
But you still don't know that
he's done anything wrong.
Anything wrong?
He stole $40 of mine.
Oh, stop it.
He didn't steal anything.
You gave it to him to invest.
He took off with our money.
He skipped town. He stole it!
But how do you know
he won't be back?
We're wastin' time talkin'.
Sheriff, let's get on with it.
( men yelling)
If we didn't we'd have
stayed in the barber shop!
Hold-Hold on, hold on.
Now, I knew there
was something phony
about the fella to start with,
but you was all so anxious
to throw your money away
you wouldn't listen to anybody.
Now let's just quiet down
and see if we can't handle this
in an orderly way.
We want our money back!
( all yelling)
We'll get him.
(sighs)
Miss Walker.
Mr. Maxwell
why, I heard you've left town.
I did. I went to Richmond.
But I'm back with good news.
Here. Look at this.
I sold the album to
National Records.
That's the signed contract.
And here's the little
something that goes with it.
A certified check for $5,000?
That's just the advance payment.
This is wonderful.
Just wonderful!
Isn't it?
No, I mean it's more
wonderful than you know.
Wouldn't you like to report this
to your stockholders?
I know where they
happen to be right now.
Oh, good.
Say, can you imagine
the look on their faces?
Yes, I can just
imagine. Come on.
Now, he could have taken
this road right here
to get up to the state highway
But you're talkin' about cars!
You keep thinking
he's driving out of here.
All right, now come on.
You fellas are interferin'
with police operations.
Now get.
Go on, get outta here
let us do some work.
Go on.
Interferin' with police oper
( gasps)
What's the matter
with you, Floyd?
It's him, Maxwell.
Maxwell? What?
He's comin' this way.
Well, the killer returns
to the scene of the crime, huh?
Yeah, this ought
to be interesting.
Everybody just act natural.
Oh, all right.
ANDY: Well, Mr. Maxwell.
Didn't expect to
see you so soon.
Oh, no, we didn't.
Well, as a matter
of fact neither did I.
Come back for more
money, did you?
Well, money was one of
the reasons I came back.
Here, Sheriff, read this.
Oh, I don't have to.
Why, I'm sure the
people around here
is pleased with the way
you let 'em invest their money.
They're just champin'
at the bit to put in more
ain't ya, boys?
( all agreeing)
But Sheriff, don't you even
want to look at the contract?
Oh, I don't have to.
There ain't no real need.
Why, the folks
around here trust you.
Ain't that right, boys?
( all agree)
I must say this is
one of the fanciest
outfits I ever did see.
Got all the whereases
and heretofores and theretos
and the National Record
National Records?!
ELLIE: They bought
our folk song album.
Show him the check, Mr. Maxwell.
Oh, yes, of course.
ELLIE: What's the matter, Andy?
A cat got your tongue?
I'll read it.
Certified $5,000.
Eh, certified?
Certified. Certi
Five thou!
MAXWELL: That's
our first dividend.
Miss Walker can
put it in the bank.
And now, gentlemen,
I'm going up to New York
to get our album rolling.
And you owe it
all to your sheriff.
Huh?
Well, after all,
you were the one
who steered me
to all that talent.
And the numbers
you did with the band
turned out to be very big.
Well, now I'd better get
our company moving.
In the meantime
I'll send you monthly reports.
And your dividend
check, of course.
Thanks again, Sheriff.
( all saying good-bye)
And to think it all happened
because of our sheriff.
Don't you think he deserves
a nice, big pat on the back?
( all agreeing)
Oh, it's just beautiful, Andy.
Barney'll like that.
He's a stockholder, you know.
Shh. He's diversifying.