The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e19 Episode Script

1
Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪
Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
The Brady Bunch.
( Humming )
Give you a hand, Alice?
Oh, no, thanks.
Everything's under control.
Was that Mrs. Brady on the phone?
Oh, yeah. She said she arrived safely.
How long will she be staying?
Well, until her Aunt Mary recovers
from whatever it is
Aunt Mary's recovering from.
She's always coming down
with something.
Right. You name it,
and Aunt Mary's had it, has it
or is about to get it.
Well, I just hope Mrs. Brady
can have a little fun this trip.
Yeah, I hope so, too.
I also hope that running this
whole place single-handed
isn't going to be too much for you, Alice.
A breeze, Mr. Brady.
Less than that, a, uh zephyr.
Yeah, well, six kids and me and Tiger
all adds up to work.
What work?
Vacuuming, dusting, making the beds,
cooking the meals, washing the
You're right.
It all adds up to work.
You see?
Well, nothing one
able-bodied female can't handle.
Oh. What?
Oh, the apple pie. I left the rest of it
on the dining room table,
and I want that to go
into the lunch boxes tomorrow,
not into the kids' tummies tonight.
I can take care of this
household standing on my
ALICE: Head!
Alice? Alice?
Alice?
Are you all right?
I'll live.
But I'm not the able-bodied female
I was a minute ago, Mr. Brady.
My foot played a game
of Chinese checkers and lost.
Okay, I've called this
unusually late-evening meeting
to issue a medical bulletin.
The doctor says that
Alice's ankle is only sprained
but it's a bad sprain, and she's
going to have to stay off it for awhile,
and that's gonna be very hard on Alice.
We're sorry we left
our Chinese checkers
on the dining room floor.
Yes, you violated a strict family rule
about leaving your toys spread all over
for people to trip over.
GREG: I don't think
we should all be blamed.
At least we should all
go tell Alice we're sorry.
Alice is resting.
But what you can tell me is:
who is going to do the cooking
and the cleaning and the washing
and all the other housework around here,
while Alice is grounded
and your mother's gone, huh?
Well, I'm going to tell you.
While Alice is grounded,
you all are going to assume
the job of running this house
and that's starting tomorrow,
and right after school.
But, Dad, our team has workouts
all this week,
so we can stay in shape
for the next game.
I'll guarantee your coach
you'll stay in shape.
What about my music lessons?
You can hum a lot while you work.
No dance class?
That's right. No dance class.
Dad, would you believe
I was going to spend
every afternoon this week
studying in the library?
Ho, ho, ho.
Yeah, that's a good try, Peter.
And I would like to believe it,
but it would boggle my mind.
Anybody else?
I give up.
Me, too.
Good.
Now that we understand each other,
hit the sack.
Starting with breakfast
tomorrow, we get to work.
( Knocking )
Come in.
Hey, Alice, you're supposed
to stay off that ankle.
Well, I
Okay, I'm off it.
See? Listen, if there's
something you want,
I'll get it for you.
Oh in the closet, last one on the end?
Hey
That's very pretty.
It's the first long dress I've had
since high school.
Same color
if not quite the same size.
What are you going to do
with this dress tonight?
Put it in mothballs.
You're losing me, Alice.
Mr. Brady, Saturday night is
the annual Meat Cutters' Ball.
Sam was going to take me
and I was going to wear this dress.
Oh, Alice, I'm sure sorry about that.
I don't know what else to say.
Well, why don't you say
what you came in to say.
I'll have plenty of time
to feel sorry for myself.
I talked to the kids.
Tomorrow, they're going to take over
all the household chores
by mutual agreement.
Mutual agreement?
Well, with a little persuasion.
But they agreed.
They're a family unit, Alice,
and this is their job.
I hate to think of the mess
I'm going to have to face
when I get well.
Alice, there's going to be
no mess, believe me.
Starting with breakfast
tomorrow morning,
everything is gonna run like clockwork.
( Bell clangs )
I'm not going to do all these dishes.
I won't live that long.
Well, I'm certainly not. I did the eggs.
You mean you dropped the eggs.
It's stuck.
Come out, come out!
You finished breakfast already?
Take my advice, Dad:
Stay out of the kitchen.
Breakfast isn't worth it.
The girls are taking perfectly good food
and making garbage out of it.
Poison garbage.
You have to have something to eat.
We'll settle for the cafeteria at noon.
( Sighs )
Listen, you can't go to
school on an empty stomach.
Why don't you have some milk?
Not in there.
They'll probably try to fry it.
Suit yourselves. There.
I'll be the guinea pig.
Here it is, only the first breakfast
and I had to do everything.
Absolutely everything!
If "everything" means
dropping the frozen
orange juice on the floor,
then you've done everything, all right!
Well, good morning, everybody.
MARCIA: Good morning, Daddy.
I'm sorry about Alice, but I don't see why
I have to do absolutely everything!
Stop that "absolutely everything" stuff!
I'm the one that had to
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't attack before I've had my coffee.
Hi, Cindy.
Hi.
Is it all right?
It's a little strong.
I told you not to let it perk for an hour.
It only perked for 45 minutes.
Now, calm down, both of you.
What is the furor?
Well, in the first place,
the boys are supposed
to wash the dishes.
MARCIA: But they said if
they weren't going to eat,
they didn't have to clean up.
And second
Forget the second, Jan.
We'll work this all out tonight.
My, my.
A lot of them, aren't there?
All we could scoop up
after Marcia dropped them
on the floor.
MARCIA: Not on the floor!
That's where she
dropped the orange juice.
Uh, listen, I think I'll just
settle for a piece of toast.
Cindy, where's the toast?
In the toaster.
I'm still waiting for it.
My gosh, I didn't realize it was this late.
I I better rush.
Remind the boys:
straight home from school
and on housework detail.
And don't bother Alice
because she needs the rest.
All right, Daddy.
Daddy, here's your toast.
Cindy, I don't think
I could eat another bite.
Bye, Dad.
( Knocking )
Come in.
Sorry, Alice, I couldn't find it.
The mop isn't in the service porch?
Only Tiger's in the service porch.
What's Tiger doing there?
I left the sprinklers on too long
and flooded his doghouse.
Well, try the upstairs hall closet.
Okay.
Flooded the doghouse?
( Rumbling )
Hi, Alice.
Hi, Jan.
Too much soap in the washing machine?
How did you know?
ESP.
Well, it'll be all right.
Peter's gonna vacuum up the
soap suds in the dining room.
Oh, it got that far, did it?
Want some more help?
Oh, no. I just came by
to see how you were.
Well, I better go find the wash.
Find the wash?
Yeah. It just floated off somewhere.
( Bell tinkling )
Oh, hi, Mr. Brady.
Hi, Sam.
What can I do for you?
Well, something for dinner
that can be fixed in a hurry, Sam.
I understand that roast
we were going to have
has been burned to a crisp.
Oh? Well, how about some chops?
I have lamb chops,
pork chops, veal chops
or you could take some of each
and make chop suey.
Listen, Sam, I'll take
eight of your lamp chops.
Okay.
Hey, how come Alice burned the roast?
She's a better cook than that.
Alice didn't do it. The girls burned it.
Isn't Alice with you anymore?
Oh, that's right. You didn't know.
No, Alice is in bed, see?
She had a fall.
Oh? Bad?
Well, sprain her ankle.
Gee, that's a shame.
Yeah.
But it could be worse.
At least it wasn't her short ribs.
( Groans )
I'll take a dime off for that last joke.
Could you take a quarter?
( Both laughing )
There they are.
Eight lamb chops, ready to be broiled.
What's burning?
Must be Marcia's peas.
She didn't put any water in with them.
How about those potatoes you put
in the oven three hours ago?
Three?
Listen, let's throw
everything into the sink,
except the lamb chops.
And my salad.
It's not burning.
Okay.
( Phone ringing )
( Coughing )
Hello.
Carol! Hi, darling!
Hi, honey. How are you?
Oh, Mommy, Mommy!
Let me talk to her!
Oh, please!
Mommy! Oh, please, let
me talk to her! Please!
Please!
Yes, sweetheart.
Of course, we miss you.
How are all the kids?
MIKE: Oh, honey,
we're fine; We're just fine.
Except for Alice. She
she took a little spill
and she sprained her ankle.
Dad, the sink's stopped up!
( Girls talking at once )
Um, yes, sweetheart.
Well, if Alice hurt herself,
maybe I should come right back.
Oh, honey, listen, there's
no reason for you to come home.
None whatsoever.
The kids have everything under control.
Dad, I hate to bother you
while you're on the phone
No, no, honey, listen.
I mean it. I really mean it.
You wouldn't know the house.
Peter's T-shirt's stuck
in the vacuum cleaner.
What's all the commotion?
Uh, the kids and I are just
having a little fun here, honey.
But Peter's in his T-shirt.
What?!
Tell Alice I hope she feels better.
Yeah. Yes, sweetheart.
Uh-huh. Yeah. I'll tell Alice.
AUNT MARY: Carol!
Well, Aunt Mary's calling, so I better run.
I'll talk to you soon, okay?
Bye, honey.
All right. Bye, honey.
Sam, this is the sweetest thing
you could've done coming to see me
and bringing me candies and flowers.
It's almost worth spraining my ankle for.
Could I take a look at it?
Why not? Everybody else has.
Although I've never heard of
a butcher who was a doctor.
Well, I've known plenty
of doctors who were butchers.
Hey, boy, that does look pretty bad.
I wouldn't put meat
like that on my counter.
Sam, you always know
just the right thing to say.
And right now, I have to say good-bye,
'cause this is my bowling night.
Besides, you need rest and quiet.
Try to enjoy it, Alice.
I'll enjoy it, all right
especially Saturday night.
Ooh, boy, that's right.
With that ankle,
you won't be able to go
to the Meat Cutters' Ball.
No, Sam, I won't.
Well, gee, Alice, would
your feelings be terribly hurt
if I went anyway
I mean, being on the
entertainment committee and all?
Oh, my feelings wouldn't be hurt at all.
I want you to go and to have fun.
Who will you take?
Um, I'll think of somebody.
Well, I got to run now, Alice.
Uh, take care of yourself.
And ta-ta.
Ta-ta, Sam.
Hey, Alice, I saw Sam
arrive with the flowers.
Can I get you a vase and
some water to put them in?
No, thanks, Mr. Brady.
I think I'll be able to water them myself.
Greg?
Greg!
Hey, you dazzling basketball star.
Well, "dazzling" did it.
But if it's about the dishes, forget it.
We made our decision.
You girls make the mess;
you girls clean it up.
You heard last night when Dad
was talking to Mom on the phone.
Yeah. Well, you heard
him tell her what a great job
we were doing taking care of the house
so she wouldn't worry and come home.
That's right.
No, it's wrong.
We're doing a terrible job.
You mean about the mess
in the kitchen
and the washing machine flood?
That and everything else.
We're trying,
but we're not trying together.
Yeah. I guess maybe you're right.
Even a dazzling basketball star
needs to feel he's part of a team.
Dad shouldn't have to make
excuses to Mom.
Yeah. You go get Jan and Cindy,
and I'll round up the men.
Then what?
Teamwork with a capital "work."
GREG: Charge!
Boy, have we ever got a terrific surprise.
You do?
Come on, Alice.
You sit here, Daddy.
And you there, Alice.
You're our special guest.
What is all this?
MARCIA: Dinner is served.
One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
( All counting off )
What kind of a miracle
is taking place here, anyway?
Mr. Brady, if a miracle happens,
don't question it.
Just lean back and accept it.
Thank you.
( laughing )
What do you mean,
"ulterior motive," Sally?
I don't have ulterior motives much.
Long as I know you're going
bowling on Saturday night,
that answers my question. Bye.
Well, that does it.
Does what, Alice?
I've called every girl I know
that Sam knows, Mr. Brady,
and not one of them will admit
that he's taking her to
the Meat Cutter's Ball.
Maybe he's going stag.
Sam? Stag?
( Chuckling )
The only time he's heard that word
is when somebody brought a dead deer
into the butcher shop.
He's taking somebody. I know it, but
Oh, well, what difference
does it make anyway?
The dance is tomorrow night.
( Sighs )
24 hours from now,
Sam will be on the dance floor
under the twinkling lights, violins sighing,
the air heady with perfume
and he'll be
stomping around the floor
like all the other butchers.
( Bell tinkling )
Hey, Sam, you still open?
Sure, Mr. Brady. Why should
I be closed so early?
Well, tonight's the big night,
isn't it? The Meat Cutter's Ball?
Yeah, tonight's the night.
What can I do for you?
Well, eight of your best steaks, Sam.
Oh celebrating something?
Yeah, well, it's more like
a reward for a hungry army.
( Chuckles )
The kids are still doing
the housework, huh? Yeah.
Alice is still sidelined?
Well, she's up and around a little, Sam,
but, I don't know, her ankle's giving
her a little trouble, and unfortunately
She can't make it to the party, is that it?
That's it.
So I have to take somebody else,
is that it?
That's it.
Boy, you must think
I'm an all-time heel, Mr. Brady.
Ah, Sam, it's none of my business.
But you got to understand.
When you get to be a big man
with the union like I am
you know, on the entertainment
committee, and all
well, your union expects
big things from big men,
like showing up at parties.
Listen, Sam, I understand.
Yeah, but women don't
not women like Alice anyway.
She probably thinks I'm 185 pounds
of rejected rump roast.
( Chuckling )
No, I'm sure she doesn't.
I'm sure she does, Mr. Brady.
Oh, she probably thinks
she's resigned to staying home tonight,
but who knows what's really going on
in that cute little head of hers, huh?
Sam?
Yes, Mr. Brady?
Listen, I think you got more
than eight steaks there.
Oh?
You know, you're right.
Such is the fate of an amorous butcher.
( Both laughing )
Okay, once again, kids,
I've called a late-evening meeting,
but this time, it's not
to issue a medical bulletin
or to lecture you about carelessness.
It's to tell you how proud I am
and how pleased
that you've gotten together
and you've worked as a team.
We're glad you're pleased, Dad,
'cause we really tried.
But there's another thing we did
when Alice sprained her ankle.
Yes?
We sprained Alice's love life, too.
And all the teamwork in the world
doesn't look like it'll fix that up.
Well, you know, there are some things
we have control over
and some things we don't.
I honestly don't know what we can do
about Sam and Alice
and the Meat Cutter's Ball.
But anyway, you've earned
a little rest and relaxation.
So come on and enjoy
yourselves until bedtime
but keep it down
'cause I have work to do.
There must be something
we can do for Alice.
I don't know.
It's pretty hard to fix a broken heart.
Yeah, even with splints and a first aid kit.
Dad's probably right.
Just forget about it.
That's it.
What?
Make Alice forget all about the dance.
It's going to be hard.
No, it isn't.
Forgetting's easy.
It's remembering that's hard.
Hi, Alice. What's up?
Well, I'm reading a book,
if that's what you mean.
Any good?
If you like love stories.
We're about to have
a feast in the kitchen.
Why don't you come on in and join us?
I'm going to make
my famous peanut butter
and pickle sandwiches.
I can't burn those.
They're too soggy.
It does sound tempting,
but I've been on this ankle
a little bit too much today.
I better stay here.
Okay.
Come on, Alice!
Quick or you'll miss it!
Miss what?
A great wrestling match on television
a championship bout!
"Rotten Otto"
is challenging "Dirty Destiny."
Wow. That does sound
like a challenge, all right.
I appreciate the invitation,
but I'm afraid Rotten and Dirty
are going to have to do
without me tonight.
I'm staying put.
Hi, Alice.
Want to play some cards with us?
What kind?
Old Maid.
That was dumb.
A feast in the kitchen?
A wrestling match?
A game of cards?
I wonder just what's up.
All six of us tried
and all six of us failed.
Maybe Daddy can talk to her.
He's in his den working.
We can't bother him.
ALICE: No, girls, you can't.
Anyway, there's no reason
for him to talk to me.
I know what you kids
are trying to do, and I
We weren't trying to do anything, Alice.
Oh, yes, you were. You were trying
to get me interested in something else
so I wouldn't feel
so sorry for myself tonight.
How in the world did you figure that out?
ESP again, Jan.
And it's sweet of you to care so much,
but quit worrying about old Alice.
Where's the rest of the gang?
They went to bed.
Well, it's late. You better go up, too,
and let old Alice worry about
old Alice, hmm? Come on.
( All chuckling )
Good night, kids.
Good night.
Good night.
( Doorbell chimes )
Sam!
It's me, Alice.
That's what I said Sam.
How come you're not at the ball?
Oh, come on, Alice.
You know I couldn't go
without my best girl.
It just wouldn't be any fun.
Here. Brought you a little nosegay.
Oh, Sam, a nosegay is just what I need.
And right now,
I got the gayest nose in town.
( laughing )
Oh, Sam, it's just beautiful!
It's just the right shade for my robe.
Can I come in?
Oh, sure, sure.
Mrs. Brady's still out of town
and Mr. Brady's in his den.
The kids have gone up to bed.
Well, Alice, even if we miss the ball,
I thought maybe we could
make some music together.
( Both laughing )
Shh!
( Both chuckling )
Alice, would I be getting fresh
if I suggested that we
step out on the patio
and look at the stars?
Sam, are you going to kiss me
under those stars?
I'm sure going to try.
That's one good thing about butchers
they make no bones about it.
Mom's back! She's coming
in the driveway now!
( Kids clamoring and cheering )
Hey, Alice, did you hear that?
Hey, hey, hey! Wait for me!
( Sighs )
Alice?!
Alice, you hurt again?
No, just dented my dignity.
All right, who left the vacuum cleaner
in the middle of the floor?!
I'm afraid I did, Mr. Brady.