8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e20 Episode Script

1
Psych?
You're taking a psych class?
Excuse me. I'm
taking it as an elective.
I thought your electives
usually involved clay.
Girls. Broccoli or zucchini?
- For dinner?
- No, she's making a hat.
- Classic.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It's called "projection."
See, Mom, today
at school Kerry took
a header down
the main stairwell,
spilling the contents of her
backpack, causing
her embarrassment.
Oh, no. Honey, are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
What could have been
so embarrassing in your backpack?
Um, I think if you check her
calendar you'll figure it out.
Oh.
So, after all the
seniors finished a
game of feminine
product hacky sack,
followed by jump, jump,
Kerry gathered her belongings
and walked away.
Instead of directing
that anger where
it belongs, she's
projecting it on me.
Hence, "classic projection."
Is that right, Kerry?
Bridget took ten dollars
out of your purse.
Mom, guess what happened
at the basketball game!
- You won, you won!
- No, we lost. Not even close.
- But you had a great game.
- No, I sucked.
The ball hit me in the back.
I got welts.
Paul?
Rory means we have some big news.
You're not gonna believe this.
Carter Tibbits,
racecar driver was there.
He wants Dad to write a book.
- Rory.
- Paul.
I wanted to tell.
Sorry. You want to
come in again, start over?
No, forget it.
A book? How exciting is that?
The only thing better than
watching a car drive in a circle
is reading about it!
- Classic.
- What's classic?
Sarcastic remark to any new idea.
Angry middle child.
Oh, no, Bridget, you're way off.
The classic middle
child is invisible
and Kerry's anything but Ooh!
- Ow!
- I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
- Hey.
- Honey.
It's OK.
She just needs anger management.
Shut up!
You shut up! I'm
doing you a favor.
Mary-Kate, Ashley, knock it off!
So, Paul, how'd this come about?
Carter Tibbits' nephew plays
on the same team as Rory
and I struck up a conversation
with him. I did a profile on him
at the Brooklyn Speedway
a number of years ago. Remember?
No? It was quite a feather in my
cap Never mind.
He remembered me.
Yeah. He said Dad was one of the
best sports writers
he'd ever met.
Ever. I've gotta go call
all my friends.
- This is just great, Paul.
- It's not a done deal.
And I'm out of sports. Gave it
up to be with you and the kids.
- No regrets.
- Except during March Madness.
Yeah. And, you know, now.
Are you insane? You have
always dreamed of writing a book.
So, I should throw my hat
into the ring?
- Absolutely.
- Good. I did.
I wanted to run it by you
'cause we're husband and wife.
- Ah. Gee, thanks.
- Hey, we're married.
Anyway, Carter, he invited
the whole family to dinner
this Friday night at his mansion.
- The whole family?
- Yeah. He's big on family.
He loves kids. So, we all need
to make a really good impression.
- Let go of me!
- I'm re-birthing you.
- It's a wedgie!
- Yeah, I know.
Can you rent kids?
- Wow.
- Thank you so much.
- First mansion?
- How did you know?
I'm psychic.
- What room is this?
- The foyer.
This is where guests wait before
they enter the formal part.
- How come we don't have one?
- We do.
We just call it the driveway.
Oh, my God.
You're Cody Grant.
Carter's crew chief for years.
You're a legend.
I was until my heart attack.
Now I just supervise dusting.
I can still change a tire in
under 30 seconds.
You want to see?
Are you kidding?
It would be my honor, sir.
Paul, maybe we should wait
till after dinner.
Well, suit yourself. I'll tell
His Majesty you're here.
This place is something.
You know, I think
I went to college here.
- It's a castle.
- Hey, everybody.
Twenty bucks
to whoever steals the best thing.
We don't say stuff like that.
Did you see the size of
the pickup parked out front?
Yeah, it's nice to see the new
2003 SUV "Compensations" are out.
The what?
They say, "Big truck, little"
- Stop that.
- Bridget!
That's what it says
in your textbook?
Um yeah.
Hey, listen, I really want
to impress this guy. All right?
So at least try to pretend
that you're human beings
and you're not
animals, all right?
Now, behave yourselves, damn it,
- or I swear to God I will
- Paul?
Oh, Carter! Look, kids.
It's Carter. These are the kids.
This hot dog's
gonna write my book.
Maybe.
Boo-yah.
I'd like you to
meet Cate, my wife
and daughters Bridget and Kerry.
- You know Rory.
- What a good-looking family.
And what lovely young ladies.
Say "thank you" and be ladylike.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're hot.
- Yeah.
It's easy to see where
your daughters get their beauty.
Oh, thank you.
Please excuse my daughters.
I don't really know what's
I really like cars.
Why don't we adjourn
to the dining room?
OK.
Girls?
- Yeah, right.
- Put your arm down.
Take them.
Come here. Take the arm!
Why don't we take our coffee
in the living room?
It was a wonderful
dinner, Carter.
Hey, did anyone
else get two forks?
No, no, Rory.
The small fork is for the salad.
The big fork is for the steak.
You know that.
Huh. I thought you got two
in case you dropped one.
- I'm just kidding. Boo-yah.
- He was kidding.
I'm all about humor, Paul. I
want that to show up in the book.
Well, you're
obviously a funny guy.
I saw that stuffed deer with the
wacky sunglasses
on my way in here.
Yeah, that was all me.
And I would also
like to write about
your foundation
for at-risk kids.
I do love those kids.
I want to take them off
the dangerous streets
and put them
in high-performance racecars.
I've got them building cars
instead of stealing them.
I feel the same way. Kids
need a strong parental figure.
I think his eyes
are almost turquoise, like mine.
- After you put them in.
- You little!
Girls, please.
May I use one of your restrooms?
Absolutely. Just down the
hallway, past the bowling alley,
- second door on the right.
- Bowling alley?
Wow. Thank you, sir.
"Mister", "Sir." That's quite
a polite boy you got there, Paul.
Did you girls enjoy your steaks?
I don't eat red meat.
Of course you do, honey.
- With the big fork.
- That's it, Dad.
Minimize what's
important to Kerry.
That's why she
has low self-esteem.
I wish I had that
big fork right now.
You know, Kerry,
maybe your heart wouldn't feel
like songbirds being suffocated
if you let go of that anger!
You read my poetry?
That was private.
You know, Carter,
Kerry was a candy
striper at a hospital
last summer.
- I hate you.
- Had her own little book cart.
Now, where were
we? We were talking
about Rory,
the nice polite boy.
Yes!
Oh, dear God, I'm sorry, Carter.
No, no, it's OK.
It's family. It's
music to my ears.
Uh, so, where's your
family tonight, Carter?
Wife number one is in Aspen
with my girls,
wife number two went
back to Italy with my boys,
and wife number
four, my current wife,
she's vacationing with her mother
on Martha's Vineyard.
What about wife number three?
We don't ever talk
about number three.
But I love wife number four.
Aren't you young
to have all those wives?
It sounds to me
that you had mother issues.
- Bridget!
- No, no.
She might be onto something.
You know, when you grow up
the eighth of nine children,
sometimes you can
get lost in the shuffle.
Oh, Mama.
Why didn't you love me?
Boo-yah!
I told you I was funny.
- Put that in the book.
- OK.
No, really, the
truth is, when I was
younger I ran with
a lot of women.
Most of them,
I never even learned their names.
But that changed
with wife number four.
She totally turned
my life around.
Paul, I'm gonna call you next
week with my final answer,
but I got a good
feeling about this.
I got a good, good
feeling about this.
Boo-yah!
Boo-yah's my word, Paul.
Sorry.
It's his word.
"Boo-yah?" Idiot, idiot!
Oh, Paul, Paul.
Well, yeah.
Aside from that, you made
a really good impression.
I did, didn't I? He said
he had a good feeling about this.
"A good, good feeling."
Dad, check it out.
The picture of Carter Tibbits
and Paul Newman?
That's right. Twenty
bucks to whoever
steals the best thing, remember?
- Pay up.
- What?
You stole this from his house?
- It was your idea.
- No, it was
It was a joke, Rory.
You know, you just
cost me the book.
I think "boo-yah"
sealed that deal.
You know Hey, hey!
Now, look, Paul, Paul,
you are the adult here.
Why don't you call
Carter and explain?
That's a great idea, Cate.
"Carter, here's the picture
my son stole from your house.
When do we start the book?"
I know Carter's
probably busy now,
I thought I'd drop off
some writing samples.
OK, I'll tell him.
And I'll see myself to the door.
Yeah, like I give a damn.
Comin' round
the mountain when she comes
Comin' round the mountain
when she comes
She'll be comin'
round the mountain
She's comin' round the mountain
She is coming round that
mountain when she comes
She is ridin' six white ponies
when she comes
She is ridin' them six
white ponies when she comes
Gonna ride them six white
ponies Ride them six white ponies
Ride them six white ponies
when she comes ♪
You're never gonna believe this.
I just took a quiz
on self-esteem.
And I'm off the charts!
Mom, I want my own house.
Hello, everybody.
Carter Tibbits called.
He's on his way over.
Oh, my God, that was fast. Wait.
He's coming here to the house?
Oh, this could be it, Cate.
How did he sound?
Like he was masking
a childhood of pain.
For the love of Come on,
tidy up. Get this place together.
Cate, why don't you
run a brush through that?
- Paul!
- You don't have to.
I mean, it looks fine.
But would it kill you
to just top that part?
I'm sorry. I'm a little
I'm a little nervous.
Why? He said he was coming over.
That's a good thing.
Yeah.
He's here. He's here. OK.
Everybody, just
act normal like me.
Well, I don't know
if I can sweat at will.
- You're not Carter.
- No, Carter's the white guy.
Mr. Tibbits will be passing
on your services.
Oh, Paul, I'm so sorry.
So, Dad, you're
not getting the book?
Does it sound like
he's getting the book?
Did Carter say why?
You might want to
take a look at this.
We have evidence of a crime
at the Tibbits estate.
A crime!
- I have homework.
- It can wait.
Hennessy, do you think a man who
has a four million dollar estate
- doesn't have a security camera?
- A security camera!
She's coming round the mountain
She is coming round that
mountain when she comes
She is riding six white ponies
when she comes
She is riding them six
white ponies when she comes
She is ridin'
That's it?
That's all that's on the tape?
- Yep.
- Oh, Dad.
You're supposed
to be an example.
Rory! Come here.
Sir, Hennessy's back. I
warned him you're fully clothed.
Paul, I thought my crew chief
made everything clear.
I can't trust a man who sneaks
in my bedroom when I'm showering
and plays with my stuff.
I'm afraid you're
dead to me now, Paul.
Just like a certain ex-wife
whose number I will not mention.
How you doing, son?
I want to set
everything straight.
Then you'll never hear from me
again. I know the
book deal is dead.
Is it? I mean, no, no, right.
That's neither here nor there.
I just want you to know that I
wasn't playing with your stuff.
My son took something.
I was putting it back.
Well, isn't that something?
Blaming it on your own son.
- Pitiful.
- No, no, wait a second.
- If you rewound the tape
- You're not half the man
that wife number
three turned out to
I think you know
where the door is.
Mr. Tibbits,
I stole that picture of you
and movie legend Paul Newman.
My dad was just putting it back.
I took it for a joke.
There's nothing funny
about stealing, son.
I know. It's just my dad's so
funny and I was
trying to be funny.
- Why did you take it so far?
- I wanted to impress you.
Whoa. Whoa.
Stealing to impress your father?
Rory, I run a program for
at-risk youths such as yourself.
He's not at-risk!
If I had a dime for every parent
who ever said that!
Rory, what are you talking about?
I was just trying
to make you laugh.
Mr. Tibbits, I made a mistake.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm proud of you, son.
I'm always proud of you.
That took a good
size set of plums
to come forward like that, Rory.
- I'm sorry, Dad.
- No, I'm sorry.
I'm the one that's
at fault here. I
shouldn't have
made that stupid joke.
You know, Rory,
you've got something I
look for in all the
kids I work with.
Character. Character
and a bad father.
Boo-yah.
- That should be rewarded.
- I kind of agree.
- Rory.
- No, no, he's right.
You did a brave thing.
Now what can I do for you?
Well, can I ask for anything?
Doesn't hurt to ask.
- It involves my dad.
- I'm listening.
If you could
I mean, if you'd consider
Go ahead, son,
speak from the heart.
Go on, Rory.
You ask for that one thing
and if it's within my power,
I'll surely give it to you.
Can I have the tape
of my dad sneaking
around your bedroom?
It's really funny!
You got it.
It's right over here. Come on.
Pitiful.
She is coming
round that mountain
- You watching that tape again?
- Oh, quiet, Paul.
It's time for the bathrobe scene.
Look, Dad, when you lift the
trophy you can see
your underpants.
Hah. The way you chew.
Sublimating hidden aggression.
- Mom!
- Kerry!
Stop psychoanalyzing me! Two
can play at this game, you know.
Ah-ha! Narcissism.
All right, Kerry,
that is enough.
Now, apologize to your sister,
then clean up this mess,
and both of you can come in the
kitchen and help
me with the dishes.
Classic.
What?
Housewife directing
anger at children
when what she's really
angry about is her lost youth.
Uh-huh.
Go for it.
"Narcissism, a.k.a.
vanity personality disorder."
People with this disorder
are self-centered
That's not me.
Self-obsessed
- So not me.
"easily injured
and personalizes everything."
Stop it, stop it.
Why are you being so mean to me?
Don't mess with the middle child.
I know it's hard.
But in order to accept it
you need to say it out loud.
That's the first
step to recovery.
Now, repeat after me,
"It's not my fault."
- Say it.
- I can't.
Come on, say it.
"It's not my fault."
It's not my fault.
Wife number three
was not my fault.
Wait a minute.
I know whose fault it was.
Mama.
Why didn't you love me?