AfterMASH (1983) s01e20 Episode Script
Up and Down Payments
1
Thank you.
After MASH.
Sponsored by General Electric.
We make products that improve your way of
living.
At GE, we bring good things to life.
Voila.
Max.
Max, what do you think?
Anyone can diaper a doll, honey.
Try to potty train one.
How are you doing?
Almost done.
His first little jail.
Already he's following in his father's
fingerprints.
I just hope I'm ready to have a baby.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll be right beside you every minute of the
way, holding your hand from the waiting room.
Ye gods, it's Fripper McGee's nursery.
Come on in, Colonel.
Not sure I can make it.
My ears stick out.
I thought you could use one of these.
Oh, thank you, Colonel.
Now that my daughter Evie's full grown, she can sit at
the regular table and throw food at her mother and me.
It'll really come in handy, sir.
Just put it anywhere.
There is no anywhere.
Son, have you ever thought of maybe moving
to a bigger place?
Why?
Oh, Max, we really should.
We have a little money in the bank.
For once, let's be crazy.
Let's get a decent place to live.
Well, these kids' things do take up more
room than I thought.
And babies do have a tendency to grow.
Just that lot.
Here's a wantad.
Okay.
Okay!
Dr. Bascom, call extension 17.
Dr. Bascom, extension 17.
How's that, Father?
My, I look quite the rogue in these,
don't I?
They do look good in your face, yes.
Good!
Now, the oyster's ice skates.
Priests have a little chance to look
snazzy, you know.
What with colors and basic black being
the staple for the last eight or nine centuries.
Oh, sure, you can't cheat on your underwear, but
unless you're in an accident, who's gonna know?
I do have a pair of red boxer shorts,
but that was from my drinking days.
Well, Father, when you feel you're ready,
I make sunglasses, too.
Well, for now, these babies should cause a
sufficient stir.
Feeling better?
You're looking better.
Yeah, Doc, much.
Well, it's quite a kidney stone you
passed.
You mind if I keep it?
I'm making a necklace just in case I ever
meet the right girl.
Sure, Dr. Boyer.
Thanks.
On second thought, why spoiler?
Excuse me, you're Dr. Boyer?
I try to be.
Then I gotta shake your hand.
The nurses told me how I started
hemorrhaging during my operation and you
showed up to help pack it off or whatever
it is you did.
They all said you were great.
Don't be so sure.
After the operation, I discovered one of
my instruments missing.
If you hear a rattling in your car,
it might be you.
I could have died.
Thank you.
Send me a Christmas card next June.
That's when I celebrate it.
Father Mulcahy, call admitting.
Father Mulcahy.
Call.
Nurse Parker, you're lovely, and Mr. Wergie's
in 2D should be started on a soft diet.
Yes, doctor.
And that perfume really knocks me out.
Is Mr. Alemo still complaining of chest
pain?
She hardly slept at all last night.
I just used a little behind my ears.
You can really smell it?
Pull another set of enzymes and increase
his MS to 15 milligrams every four hours.
Yes, doctor.
I not only could smell it, I wanted to hold you
in places only a nurse would know the names of.
Really, doctor?
It's a real problem, Sherm.
When you're the last to speak at a roast,
all the good dirty words have been taken.
I had nothing to call the mayor but stinky.
Well, someday, Mike, you'll
be the roasty, able to just sit
back and relax as all those
filthy epithets are hurled at you.
That's what keeps me going.
Isn't that that Boyer doctor?
Yep, that doctor is Dr. Boyer.
Look at him, just standing there, talking.
You'd swear he was a regular person.
That young man's got a heap of anger to
leave along the byway.
But he sure has been making the effort.
Could be he's starting to feel he belongs.
It's been 16 days since his last reference
to my girth.
He saw me and puffed up his cheeks.
Oh, that counts.
I'll come by when you get off.
Maybe I can limp you home.
Did you hear that, Sher?
He even made a joke about his former leg.
Best therapy in the world for Boyer.
Getting his problem out in the open and
feeling good enough about himself to laugh at it.
I suppose you're right.
A friendly little poke now and again does
take the curse off his gimp leg.
Well, there's my down elevator.
I could have sworn you hit bottom already.
Doctor?
Colonel?
The missus and I are having a little
dinner party tonight.
If you don't have any plans, we'd love for
you to join us.
You're not trying to fix me up with a girl.
Thought never crossed my mind.
Why not?
I could use a little female companionship.
All of me is not made of wood.
Of course, Mildred does have an available
niece, but her teeth are bad.
She can eat an apple through a tentacle.
A tennis racket.
I can wait.
Listen, Colonel, do you know where I can
buy a new suit around here?
Oh, you don't have to dress up fancy.
As long as the gravy stains on the tie and
pants match, you're properly spiffed.
I haven't bought a new suit since Korea.
The one I have now has been rolled up so long
I can't even remember which boot I stored it in.
Hannibal's your best bet.
Ike's on Main Street.
Unless I'm in Manila, Japan, or Korea,
that's where I shop.
I'll mention your name.
Just tell them 36 Cadet sent you.
Oh, Colonel, have you seen Mr. Klinger?
There's some order forms that need to be
signed.
Klinger's off this morning.
Personal business.
Can I handle them instead?
Well, they do need to go out right away.
What do I do?
Wherever it says, approved Sherman Potter,
just sign Max Klinger.
Of course.
All right, now, tell me exactly how I can
help you.
We want to rent a place with a nice big
bedroom.
With a door.
I've always wanted a room with a door.
Tell me more.
I don't know.
It should have electrical outlets, I guess.
No, no, folks, tell me more about
yourselves.
You see, J.U.
Tall likes to fit the right place with the
right people.
Well, we were married a year ago, July.
I got out of the service that August,
took a job at General Pershing in October,
and we settled down here in River Bend.
And one night you got me pregnant.
That would be last December.
Uh, Tuesday the 3rd, right after Quiz
Kids.
Thank you, dear.
You're a returning vet.
I know just what you're going through.
J.U.
Tall was you once himself.
The exact same story.
Oh, you served in Korea?
WW2.
Army?
Navy.
Navy.
Station overseas?
San Diego.
But who knows?
They could have come in from the south.
Did you both fight for the same side?
Honey, a vet is a vet.
It's more than that.
A vet helps a vet.
So let's let J.U.
Tall help you find that answer to your
rental dreams.
A little tighter now than it was a few
months ago.
There's been a real boom in River Bend
ever since they opened up the trumpet factory.
Here's something interesting.
What did you find, J.U.
Tall?
Cozy one bedroom, $47.50 a month.
I think we can manage that.
Then there's this.
Uh, cozy.
Cozy one bedroom with a charming alcove,
$55 a month.
We don't have to eat every day.
Or, if you'd like to spend just a few
pennies more, the place is yours for $14,000.
Oh, land of Goshen.
Hold on a minute.
To own this, I'd have to buy it.
You're a veteran, Max.
You deserve a house.
J., when you're home alone at night, does a
big invisible rabbit come and be your friend?
I'm serious.
Where you belong is in this luxurious, sunny,
Glen home, custom designed with you in mind.
Max, I've never seen anything like it.
That's because there is nothing like it.
Models A, B, and D are completely
different.
It's so beautiful, so big, you could raise
goats in here.
You could and should.
Max, through my connections at the bank
and with your employment and service record, J.
U.
Tall could have you and this
not-so-little lady moving into
this dream affair today for only
$61 a month and no money down.
On a level?
On a level.
Where are my ruptured duck?
Oh, sure, through the G.I.
Bill.
No, no, that's the best part.
No G.I.
Bill, forget it, feed it to the cat.
What?
Max, G.I.
Bill equals government.
As any vet knows, government equals
paperwork, snafus, red tape sandwiches,
plus a down payment of 700 hard-earned
dollars.
I don't have $700.
Nobody does.
That's how Uncle Sam can afford to make
such an attractive offer.
This carpeting is so thick.
Nylon, your feet won't sweat.
Max, how much do you have?
I have the bank right now.
And six books of SNH Green Stamps.
Closing costs are $375.
That leaves you with a full hundred and a
quarter to run right out and have a baby.
Still, I'd really be strapped against the
wall.
Walls are made of plaster, not
plasterboard.
The big bad wolf could huff and puff till
his tail came out of his mouth.
He still won't blow this baby down.
Max, there's a dining room room.
It's like living in the Potter's house
without having to be old.
Max, you cannot convince J.
Utah that a man of your savvy and
potential won't someday prosper to the
point where these small monthly payments
will be minuscule.
Then you can start really enjoying the
good life.
And a rec room.
Put an awning over the patio.
Maybe even a doughboy pool.
Oh, Max.
But if this is such a great deal, how
come more people aren't getting into it?
There are 116 units in this tract.
More people are.
You really love this place, don't you,
honey?
Don't you?
You?
What Klinger ever lived in a house before?
Apartments, tents, sinkholes, car trunks,
but never a house.
It's destiny.
Oh, Max.
No, I'd better sleep on it.
Max, wouldn't you like a nicer place and
which to sleep on it?
Okay, I'll take it.
Nursing supervisor toward 3C.
Nursing supervisor
Good morning, Dr. Boyer.
Father.
You're looking kind of dapper today.
I think so.
Yeah, I do.
Nice suit.
Where did you get it?
Oh, back in Philly.
Actually, it's just my bar mitzvah suit.
Sorry, folks.
Stuck again.
How long do you get it fixed?
Well, it's hard to say.
It took me 15 minutes just to make the
sign.
Well, I think I'll go down
to the day room, listen to a
little Arthur Godfrey, and see
what new sponsor he's trashing.
Dr. Boyer, please report to Ward 3B.
Dr. Boyer.
Stairs still work, don't they?
Oh.
Dr. Boyer, Ward 3B.
Sat, please.
Dr. Boyer.
Come on, damn it.
Colonel, have you seen Dr. Boyer?
Not in the last hour.
Why?
We've been paging him and paging him.
One of his patients, Mr. Kosinik,
is short of breath and very cyanotic.
I'll give him a look.
Thank you, Colonel.
Okay, what do you need?
I need
Dr. Boyer, are you all right?
I said, what do you need?
Well, it's Mr. Kosinik, but we couldn't
find him.
Just what is the problem, nurse?
Oh, Colonel Potter's looking after him.
Damn it, I can take care of my own
patients.
I know, but Leave me alone.
What the hell are you looking at?
Now, it's very good, Jim.
Very good.
Very funny boys.
Who undid his fly?
He looks like somebody I know.
Wretched, decrepit.
Stuff falling out of his arms.
I think it's me.
Hardly.
Supposed to be St. Pascal of Cologne, a man
with a beautiful soul, but a face only God could love.
Wait a minute, Father.
What's different about you?
Me?
Yeah.
Clears the nose on your face.
Anybody could see it, except me.
Could I borrow your glasses?
Mine ain't worth a hoot.
Well, uh
Oh, that's what it is.
You're not wearing glasses.
Right.
Right.
Father!
Father!
It happened!
I finally got what's coming to me!
Max, what are you talking about?
I bought a house.
A house?
Yeah, my own three-bedroom, two-bathroom,
too-good-to-be-true house.
Max, congratulations!
It's a new development in the suburbs.
Eastern exposure.
How do you like it?
I get the sun ten minutes before my
neighbors do.
Oh, it's perfect, but
Are you making enough to afford a house
like this?
Of course not, but that never stops me.
You see, Jay, the salesman, who
incidentally you should nominate for
sainthood, took the cost of the house, then kept dividing
it until he came up with a figure I could afford.
Next thing I know, I got a house and
enough money left over to carpet the tile.
How are you planning to raise this $2,800
that's due in two years?
What?
That's crazy.
You ought to get yourself a new pair of
glasses, Father.
Yes.
Well, I'm afraid it's right here in plain
gobbledygook, Max.
And failure to meet any and all payments will
result in loss of equity and forfeiture of the house.
What's equity?
What's forfeiture?
And where am I going to come up with
$2,800 in two years?
Perhaps you should ask St. Jay.
That's snake con me.
Me and my pregnant-with-baby wife,
and I fell for it.
Max, take it easy.
Your G.I.
Bill protects against just this sort of
thing happening.
I didn't buy under the bill, Father.
The shyster convinced me it'd take too
long.
Max, Max, Max.
Underneath that smooth, slick, streetwise
exterior lies the feeble brain of a Lebanese lummox.
I may be dumb, but I'm not out.
Nobody cons Max Klinger.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Mr. Aronson, please contact legal
services.
Doc, I can't go another day on this
strained food.
Mr. Tyler, last week I spent two and a
half hours in your colon.
It's not exactly like Monte Carlo during
the season.
Now, either you eat this fine food, or I'll
send it down your throat with an air gun.
Dr. Boyer, I have to care for these patients
all day, and you make it awful difficult for me.
Parker.
Sir?
I really and honestly don't care.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Hofer, we're going to remove that tube
today.
Oh, no, Doc, don't.
I'm just getting to where I can play Danny
Boy on it.
Cheerful sort.
Nurse, how about it?
Would you like scissors, Doctor,
or are you just going to bite it off?
Now, here we have a typical ward.
Present are the typical cases that so
typify the job we do at General General,
which I believe is atypical of the typical
impersonal care given that you're General General.
General General Hospital.
Oh, here's one of our fine medicos lending
a healing hand.
Dr. Boyer.
These are the officers of the River Bend
American Legion post and their honorary
member, Merle Holbrook, the oldest surviving
army nurse in the show-me state of Missouri.
How can you tell?
Quite a difference from the days when you
were draining abscesses, eh, Merle?
She's a charmer.
Excuse me?
Dr. Boyer's a veteran of Korea himself.
Believe it or not, he left one of his legs
over there.
Plucky and dedicated fellow that he is, his
artificial gam does not impede his good work.
Except maybe in the spring when the swallows
come back and nest in his knee, eh, Doc?
Now that's funny.
I'm not laughing.
You defaced a government official, which in his
case is the same as defacing a government building.
I told you what he said.
I don't care if he whistled the maligana
and asked you to do the cha-cha.
You don't do alterations on the man who
runs the place.
What's with you?
Just when you're finally getting the hang
of living again, you're off digging your
own grave because somebody had the wrong
fun with you.
Look, what do you want, an apology?
How about if I write, I'm sorry,
Mr. D'Angelo, 500 times?
I think I can fit it all in his butt.
Don't get wise with me, son.
I'm on your side, but nobody's making me
stay there.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I
say, it's not so bad.
I'm alive.
Now many people can do the things I can
with these hands.
I'll tell you, on days like that,
I feel downright human.
But then, funny thing, I go to cross the
street and I get stuck in the middle
because my mix and match legs can't make
it across fast enough.
Drivers calling me names I didn't hear in
Korea.
Stairs.
Ha ha.
A simple flight of stairs can ruin my rosy
outlook for a week.
I'm a cripple, Colonel.
And if I forget it, there's a hundred
little reminders to keep me honest.
I may have to play the cards I got,
but I sure as hell don't have to like them.
Boyer, there's a whole
hospital full of people who would
bend over backwards for
you, make you one of their own.
I see it all the time.
But somehow, you don't.
You're letting what's dead and gone be the
end of you.
And for that, I'm sorry.
As for the rest, I don't care who you are,
how good you are, or what your problems are.
If this is your attitude, then you can
just get out.
Ted and Shelly, when you see this apartment,
you are going to fall in love with it the same way J.U.
Tall did.
You.
You with the face coming from everywhere.
Can I help you?
You two buying a house?
Run.
Run away.
Check your pockets first, then run.
We're just here for an apartment.
Jay has found us a spacious one-room
walk-up over on Dawson Street.
Hey, that's my place, and it's spacious if
you're a roach.
Cheating me on a house, and then renting
my apartment from under me.
Uh, if this was Toledo, my family would
make a day out of working you over.
And when we were through, I'd find your
eye and spit in it.
Come on, hon, we better go.
Yeah.
No, wait.
Now wait, now, Ted and Shelly.
Go!
And don't look back.
He'll try to sell you a pillar of salt.
Max, whatever's troubling
you can be worked out, but we
can't conduct business when
you barge in here like this.
I have to tell you, J.U.
Tall is He's disappointed.
Oh, no.
You're not gonna French kiss your way out
of this one.
I want to know what a $2,800 bombshell is
doing here.
Balloon payment.
S.O.P.
I can't let you have a deal like this
without it.
We never talked about no $2,800.
You sure?
I'm sure.
Anything over $1,000, I'd throw up.
Well, I'm afraid you signed a contract,
Max.
My hands are tied.
Who was all that talk about vets helping
vets?
Or are you a vet?
If you were, you'd never pull a stunt like
this on a buddy and his family.
All right.
Tell you what I'll do.
For a buddy, I'll tear up the contract.
That's more like it.
But you'll lose the closing costs.
I'm still out $375.
J.U.
Tall is meeting you halfway.
Take it, or we have nothing more to talk
about.
Oh, I think we do.
I've been looking forward to this meal all
day.
Mildred treats a ham like it was one of
her own.
Don't be surprised if she gets a little
weepy when we dig into it.
Sure.
We've known each other quite a while.
With the exception of a few months.
You've seen me almost every day.
What are you telling me, Padre?
You're leaving me for someone else?
No, I was just wondering.
Have I changed in any way of late?
Yeah, there's something about you now.
You've got more character.
Your hair's gotten grayer.
You've put on a few pounds.
Maturity.
Looks good on you.
Who knows, in a couple of years,
your voice might change.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Evening.
Dinner ready?
I've been working up a big hunger.
What happened to you?
Oh, Max had a terrible day.
He went over to get our money
back from the real estate man,
and on the way home, he
fell down and hurt his iron fist.
Max!
No problem, Father.
Got all my money back.
J.
Udall's really an understanding guy when
you sit him down a couple dozen times.
You were right, Father.
Excuse me.
Well, there's no denying it.
I just look good in clothes.
Come on in.
Yes, sir.
I took your advice and went to Ike's on
Main Street.
Two flights up.
Darn if it isn't.
Well, sometimes you gotta climb to get
where you're going.
Dinner is served.
That's one beautiful hand, Mildred.
Oh, thank you, Father.
I'm going to miss Freddy.
Freddy?
Don't ask.
Dr. Boyer!
Oh, welcome, Dr. Boyer.
My wife, Soon-Lee.
Hello.
I wanted to make you all dinner in our new
home.
We can still have everyone over to the old
place, honey.
Just one at a time.
Why don't we all sit down?
Soon-Lee, you come over by me.
Dr. Boyer, will you sit here?
And Father, will you give us a blessing?
Oh, my pleasure.
Dear Lord, we thank you for your goodness
in providing us with Freddy.
And blessed please our hosts, German and
Mildred, and Dr. Boyer, who we hope has
found a home at General Pershing,
and Max and Soon-Lee, who may live in a
matchbox, but are about to be richer than
they ever imagined.
Amen.
Amen.
Last one in is a hungry atheist.
Oh, wouldn't you know it.
Mother, if you love me, you'll save me the
shank.
Could I carve?
Wait a minute.
Was that pig a veteran?
Dr. Potter?
Yes.
Sorry to disturb you, sir, but we're looking
for one of your employees, a Max Klinger.
Does he happen to be here?
Yeah, sure.
Klinger?
What's the problem?
Sir?
Something wrong?
We have a warrant for your arrest for
assault and battery in our J.U.T.O.
Will you come with us, please?
Hey, he swung first with a chair.
Cup him, Sam.
Hold it.
I'll vouch for this boy.
Max, why are they doing this?
Honey, it's all right.
I'll straighten it out.
You can't take me away.
My wife's pregnant.
Should have thought of that.
Let's go.
You can't take me away.
Please help him.
Of course.
Father, are you wearing new glasses?
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Do you like them?
Oh, Max.
Sully, put the ham in the oven, mother.
Then we'll be back in 15 minutes.
Make that 90 days.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Max, Max.
Don't worry.
Don't worry, honey.
When the judge hears how we were cheated,
he'll personally drive me home.
If not, you can move in here.
It's a little bigger than our place.
Max, don't despair.
We're going to do everything we can.
Your friends are with you.
You bet.
Thanks, Father.
Just take care of Soon-Lee.
Of course.
All right.
Time's up.
Gotta go, son.
Soon-Lee.
Oh, Max.
My little convict.
Oh, this is one of the reasons I've come
here.
Honey, what is it?
I don't know.
A pain.
Colonel, could be.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
First contractions.
Probably be a while before the next one.
It's happening.
Oh, no, it can't.
We got another two weeks.
Baby, congratulations.
We better get her to a hospital, Francis.
I'll get the car.
We better hurry.
On our way.
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't have it without me.
Wait.
Wait.
Congratulations.
Have a cigar.
After MASH.
Sponsored by General Electric.
We make products that improve your way of
living.
At GE, we bring good things to life.
After MASH.
Later on Emerald Point NAS tonight,
the Admiral's wedding becomes a day of
disaster, and Glenn gives in to gambling
and seduction.
But first, it's a tale of woe when George invites
Dick to join the local Beaver Lodge on Newhart, next.
.
Thank you.
After MASH.
Sponsored by General Electric.
We make products that improve your way of
living.
At GE, we bring good things to life.
Voila.
Max.
Max, what do you think?
Anyone can diaper a doll, honey.
Try to potty train one.
How are you doing?
Almost done.
His first little jail.
Already he's following in his father's
fingerprints.
I just hope I'm ready to have a baby.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll be right beside you every minute of the
way, holding your hand from the waiting room.
Ye gods, it's Fripper McGee's nursery.
Come on in, Colonel.
Not sure I can make it.
My ears stick out.
I thought you could use one of these.
Oh, thank you, Colonel.
Now that my daughter Evie's full grown, she can sit at
the regular table and throw food at her mother and me.
It'll really come in handy, sir.
Just put it anywhere.
There is no anywhere.
Son, have you ever thought of maybe moving
to a bigger place?
Why?
Oh, Max, we really should.
We have a little money in the bank.
For once, let's be crazy.
Let's get a decent place to live.
Well, these kids' things do take up more
room than I thought.
And babies do have a tendency to grow.
Just that lot.
Here's a wantad.
Okay.
Okay!
Dr. Bascom, call extension 17.
Dr. Bascom, extension 17.
How's that, Father?
My, I look quite the rogue in these,
don't I?
They do look good in your face, yes.
Good!
Now, the oyster's ice skates.
Priests have a little chance to look
snazzy, you know.
What with colors and basic black being
the staple for the last eight or nine centuries.
Oh, sure, you can't cheat on your underwear, but
unless you're in an accident, who's gonna know?
I do have a pair of red boxer shorts,
but that was from my drinking days.
Well, Father, when you feel you're ready,
I make sunglasses, too.
Well, for now, these babies should cause a
sufficient stir.
Feeling better?
You're looking better.
Yeah, Doc, much.
Well, it's quite a kidney stone you
passed.
You mind if I keep it?
I'm making a necklace just in case I ever
meet the right girl.
Sure, Dr. Boyer.
Thanks.
On second thought, why spoiler?
Excuse me, you're Dr. Boyer?
I try to be.
Then I gotta shake your hand.
The nurses told me how I started
hemorrhaging during my operation and you
showed up to help pack it off or whatever
it is you did.
They all said you were great.
Don't be so sure.
After the operation, I discovered one of
my instruments missing.
If you hear a rattling in your car,
it might be you.
I could have died.
Thank you.
Send me a Christmas card next June.
That's when I celebrate it.
Father Mulcahy, call admitting.
Father Mulcahy.
Call.
Nurse Parker, you're lovely, and Mr. Wergie's
in 2D should be started on a soft diet.
Yes, doctor.
And that perfume really knocks me out.
Is Mr. Alemo still complaining of chest
pain?
She hardly slept at all last night.
I just used a little behind my ears.
You can really smell it?
Pull another set of enzymes and increase
his MS to 15 milligrams every four hours.
Yes, doctor.
I not only could smell it, I wanted to hold you
in places only a nurse would know the names of.
Really, doctor?
It's a real problem, Sherm.
When you're the last to speak at a roast,
all the good dirty words have been taken.
I had nothing to call the mayor but stinky.
Well, someday, Mike, you'll
be the roasty, able to just sit
back and relax as all those
filthy epithets are hurled at you.
That's what keeps me going.
Isn't that that Boyer doctor?
Yep, that doctor is Dr. Boyer.
Look at him, just standing there, talking.
You'd swear he was a regular person.
That young man's got a heap of anger to
leave along the byway.
But he sure has been making the effort.
Could be he's starting to feel he belongs.
It's been 16 days since his last reference
to my girth.
He saw me and puffed up his cheeks.
Oh, that counts.
I'll come by when you get off.
Maybe I can limp you home.
Did you hear that, Sher?
He even made a joke about his former leg.
Best therapy in the world for Boyer.
Getting his problem out in the open and
feeling good enough about himself to laugh at it.
I suppose you're right.
A friendly little poke now and again does
take the curse off his gimp leg.
Well, there's my down elevator.
I could have sworn you hit bottom already.
Doctor?
Colonel?
The missus and I are having a little
dinner party tonight.
If you don't have any plans, we'd love for
you to join us.
You're not trying to fix me up with a girl.
Thought never crossed my mind.
Why not?
I could use a little female companionship.
All of me is not made of wood.
Of course, Mildred does have an available
niece, but her teeth are bad.
She can eat an apple through a tentacle.
A tennis racket.
I can wait.
Listen, Colonel, do you know where I can
buy a new suit around here?
Oh, you don't have to dress up fancy.
As long as the gravy stains on the tie and
pants match, you're properly spiffed.
I haven't bought a new suit since Korea.
The one I have now has been rolled up so long
I can't even remember which boot I stored it in.
Hannibal's your best bet.
Ike's on Main Street.
Unless I'm in Manila, Japan, or Korea,
that's where I shop.
I'll mention your name.
Just tell them 36 Cadet sent you.
Oh, Colonel, have you seen Mr. Klinger?
There's some order forms that need to be
signed.
Klinger's off this morning.
Personal business.
Can I handle them instead?
Well, they do need to go out right away.
What do I do?
Wherever it says, approved Sherman Potter,
just sign Max Klinger.
Of course.
All right, now, tell me exactly how I can
help you.
We want to rent a place with a nice big
bedroom.
With a door.
I've always wanted a room with a door.
Tell me more.
I don't know.
It should have electrical outlets, I guess.
No, no, folks, tell me more about
yourselves.
You see, J.U.
Tall likes to fit the right place with the
right people.
Well, we were married a year ago, July.
I got out of the service that August,
took a job at General Pershing in October,
and we settled down here in River Bend.
And one night you got me pregnant.
That would be last December.
Uh, Tuesday the 3rd, right after Quiz
Kids.
Thank you, dear.
You're a returning vet.
I know just what you're going through.
J.U.
Tall was you once himself.
The exact same story.
Oh, you served in Korea?
WW2.
Army?
Navy.
Navy.
Station overseas?
San Diego.
But who knows?
They could have come in from the south.
Did you both fight for the same side?
Honey, a vet is a vet.
It's more than that.
A vet helps a vet.
So let's let J.U.
Tall help you find that answer to your
rental dreams.
A little tighter now than it was a few
months ago.
There's been a real boom in River Bend
ever since they opened up the trumpet factory.
Here's something interesting.
What did you find, J.U.
Tall?
Cozy one bedroom, $47.50 a month.
I think we can manage that.
Then there's this.
Uh, cozy.
Cozy one bedroom with a charming alcove,
$55 a month.
We don't have to eat every day.
Or, if you'd like to spend just a few
pennies more, the place is yours for $14,000.
Oh, land of Goshen.
Hold on a minute.
To own this, I'd have to buy it.
You're a veteran, Max.
You deserve a house.
J., when you're home alone at night, does a
big invisible rabbit come and be your friend?
I'm serious.
Where you belong is in this luxurious, sunny,
Glen home, custom designed with you in mind.
Max, I've never seen anything like it.
That's because there is nothing like it.
Models A, B, and D are completely
different.
It's so beautiful, so big, you could raise
goats in here.
You could and should.
Max, through my connections at the bank
and with your employment and service record, J.
U.
Tall could have you and this
not-so-little lady moving into
this dream affair today for only
$61 a month and no money down.
On a level?
On a level.
Where are my ruptured duck?
Oh, sure, through the G.I.
Bill.
No, no, that's the best part.
No G.I.
Bill, forget it, feed it to the cat.
What?
Max, G.I.
Bill equals government.
As any vet knows, government equals
paperwork, snafus, red tape sandwiches,
plus a down payment of 700 hard-earned
dollars.
I don't have $700.
Nobody does.
That's how Uncle Sam can afford to make
such an attractive offer.
This carpeting is so thick.
Nylon, your feet won't sweat.
Max, how much do you have?
I have the bank right now.
And six books of SNH Green Stamps.
Closing costs are $375.
That leaves you with a full hundred and a
quarter to run right out and have a baby.
Still, I'd really be strapped against the
wall.
Walls are made of plaster, not
plasterboard.
The big bad wolf could huff and puff till
his tail came out of his mouth.
He still won't blow this baby down.
Max, there's a dining room room.
It's like living in the Potter's house
without having to be old.
Max, you cannot convince J.
Utah that a man of your savvy and
potential won't someday prosper to the
point where these small monthly payments
will be minuscule.
Then you can start really enjoying the
good life.
And a rec room.
Put an awning over the patio.
Maybe even a doughboy pool.
Oh, Max.
But if this is such a great deal, how
come more people aren't getting into it?
There are 116 units in this tract.
More people are.
You really love this place, don't you,
honey?
Don't you?
You?
What Klinger ever lived in a house before?
Apartments, tents, sinkholes, car trunks,
but never a house.
It's destiny.
Oh, Max.
No, I'd better sleep on it.
Max, wouldn't you like a nicer place and
which to sleep on it?
Okay, I'll take it.
Nursing supervisor toward 3C.
Nursing supervisor
Good morning, Dr. Boyer.
Father.
You're looking kind of dapper today.
I think so.
Yeah, I do.
Nice suit.
Where did you get it?
Oh, back in Philly.
Actually, it's just my bar mitzvah suit.
Sorry, folks.
Stuck again.
How long do you get it fixed?
Well, it's hard to say.
It took me 15 minutes just to make the
sign.
Well, I think I'll go down
to the day room, listen to a
little Arthur Godfrey, and see
what new sponsor he's trashing.
Dr. Boyer, please report to Ward 3B.
Dr. Boyer.
Stairs still work, don't they?
Oh.
Dr. Boyer, Ward 3B.
Sat, please.
Dr. Boyer.
Come on, damn it.
Colonel, have you seen Dr. Boyer?
Not in the last hour.
Why?
We've been paging him and paging him.
One of his patients, Mr. Kosinik,
is short of breath and very cyanotic.
I'll give him a look.
Thank you, Colonel.
Okay, what do you need?
I need
Dr. Boyer, are you all right?
I said, what do you need?
Well, it's Mr. Kosinik, but we couldn't
find him.
Just what is the problem, nurse?
Oh, Colonel Potter's looking after him.
Damn it, I can take care of my own
patients.
I know, but Leave me alone.
What the hell are you looking at?
Now, it's very good, Jim.
Very good.
Very funny boys.
Who undid his fly?
He looks like somebody I know.
Wretched, decrepit.
Stuff falling out of his arms.
I think it's me.
Hardly.
Supposed to be St. Pascal of Cologne, a man
with a beautiful soul, but a face only God could love.
Wait a minute, Father.
What's different about you?
Me?
Yeah.
Clears the nose on your face.
Anybody could see it, except me.
Could I borrow your glasses?
Mine ain't worth a hoot.
Well, uh
Oh, that's what it is.
You're not wearing glasses.
Right.
Right.
Father!
Father!
It happened!
I finally got what's coming to me!
Max, what are you talking about?
I bought a house.
A house?
Yeah, my own three-bedroom, two-bathroom,
too-good-to-be-true house.
Max, congratulations!
It's a new development in the suburbs.
Eastern exposure.
How do you like it?
I get the sun ten minutes before my
neighbors do.
Oh, it's perfect, but
Are you making enough to afford a house
like this?
Of course not, but that never stops me.
You see, Jay, the salesman, who
incidentally you should nominate for
sainthood, took the cost of the house, then kept dividing
it until he came up with a figure I could afford.
Next thing I know, I got a house and
enough money left over to carpet the tile.
How are you planning to raise this $2,800
that's due in two years?
What?
That's crazy.
You ought to get yourself a new pair of
glasses, Father.
Yes.
Well, I'm afraid it's right here in plain
gobbledygook, Max.
And failure to meet any and all payments will
result in loss of equity and forfeiture of the house.
What's equity?
What's forfeiture?
And where am I going to come up with
$2,800 in two years?
Perhaps you should ask St. Jay.
That's snake con me.
Me and my pregnant-with-baby wife,
and I fell for it.
Max, take it easy.
Your G.I.
Bill protects against just this sort of
thing happening.
I didn't buy under the bill, Father.
The shyster convinced me it'd take too
long.
Max, Max, Max.
Underneath that smooth, slick, streetwise
exterior lies the feeble brain of a Lebanese lummox.
I may be dumb, but I'm not out.
Nobody cons Max Klinger.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Mr. Aronson, please contact legal
services.
Doc, I can't go another day on this
strained food.
Mr. Tyler, last week I spent two and a
half hours in your colon.
It's not exactly like Monte Carlo during
the season.
Now, either you eat this fine food, or I'll
send it down your throat with an air gun.
Dr. Boyer, I have to care for these patients
all day, and you make it awful difficult for me.
Parker.
Sir?
I really and honestly don't care.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Hofer, we're going to remove that tube
today.
Oh, no, Doc, don't.
I'm just getting to where I can play Danny
Boy on it.
Cheerful sort.
Nurse, how about it?
Would you like scissors, Doctor,
or are you just going to bite it off?
Now, here we have a typical ward.
Present are the typical cases that so
typify the job we do at General General,
which I believe is atypical of the typical
impersonal care given that you're General General.
General General Hospital.
Oh, here's one of our fine medicos lending
a healing hand.
Dr. Boyer.
These are the officers of the River Bend
American Legion post and their honorary
member, Merle Holbrook, the oldest surviving
army nurse in the show-me state of Missouri.
How can you tell?
Quite a difference from the days when you
were draining abscesses, eh, Merle?
She's a charmer.
Excuse me?
Dr. Boyer's a veteran of Korea himself.
Believe it or not, he left one of his legs
over there.
Plucky and dedicated fellow that he is, his
artificial gam does not impede his good work.
Except maybe in the spring when the swallows
come back and nest in his knee, eh, Doc?
Now that's funny.
I'm not laughing.
You defaced a government official, which in his
case is the same as defacing a government building.
I told you what he said.
I don't care if he whistled the maligana
and asked you to do the cha-cha.
You don't do alterations on the man who
runs the place.
What's with you?
Just when you're finally getting the hang
of living again, you're off digging your
own grave because somebody had the wrong
fun with you.
Look, what do you want, an apology?
How about if I write, I'm sorry,
Mr. D'Angelo, 500 times?
I think I can fit it all in his butt.
Don't get wise with me, son.
I'm on your side, but nobody's making me
stay there.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I
say, it's not so bad.
I'm alive.
Now many people can do the things I can
with these hands.
I'll tell you, on days like that,
I feel downright human.
But then, funny thing, I go to cross the
street and I get stuck in the middle
because my mix and match legs can't make
it across fast enough.
Drivers calling me names I didn't hear in
Korea.
Stairs.
Ha ha.
A simple flight of stairs can ruin my rosy
outlook for a week.
I'm a cripple, Colonel.
And if I forget it, there's a hundred
little reminders to keep me honest.
I may have to play the cards I got,
but I sure as hell don't have to like them.
Boyer, there's a whole
hospital full of people who would
bend over backwards for
you, make you one of their own.
I see it all the time.
But somehow, you don't.
You're letting what's dead and gone be the
end of you.
And for that, I'm sorry.
As for the rest, I don't care who you are,
how good you are, or what your problems are.
If this is your attitude, then you can
just get out.
Ted and Shelly, when you see this apartment,
you are going to fall in love with it the same way J.U.
Tall did.
You.
You with the face coming from everywhere.
Can I help you?
You two buying a house?
Run.
Run away.
Check your pockets first, then run.
We're just here for an apartment.
Jay has found us a spacious one-room
walk-up over on Dawson Street.
Hey, that's my place, and it's spacious if
you're a roach.
Cheating me on a house, and then renting
my apartment from under me.
Uh, if this was Toledo, my family would
make a day out of working you over.
And when we were through, I'd find your
eye and spit in it.
Come on, hon, we better go.
Yeah.
No, wait.
Now wait, now, Ted and Shelly.
Go!
And don't look back.
He'll try to sell you a pillar of salt.
Max, whatever's troubling
you can be worked out, but we
can't conduct business when
you barge in here like this.
I have to tell you, J.U.
Tall is He's disappointed.
Oh, no.
You're not gonna French kiss your way out
of this one.
I want to know what a $2,800 bombshell is
doing here.
Balloon payment.
S.O.P.
I can't let you have a deal like this
without it.
We never talked about no $2,800.
You sure?
I'm sure.
Anything over $1,000, I'd throw up.
Well, I'm afraid you signed a contract,
Max.
My hands are tied.
Who was all that talk about vets helping
vets?
Or are you a vet?
If you were, you'd never pull a stunt like
this on a buddy and his family.
All right.
Tell you what I'll do.
For a buddy, I'll tear up the contract.
That's more like it.
But you'll lose the closing costs.
I'm still out $375.
J.U.
Tall is meeting you halfway.
Take it, or we have nothing more to talk
about.
Oh, I think we do.
I've been looking forward to this meal all
day.
Mildred treats a ham like it was one of
her own.
Don't be surprised if she gets a little
weepy when we dig into it.
Sure.
We've known each other quite a while.
With the exception of a few months.
You've seen me almost every day.
What are you telling me, Padre?
You're leaving me for someone else?
No, I was just wondering.
Have I changed in any way of late?
Yeah, there's something about you now.
You've got more character.
Your hair's gotten grayer.
You've put on a few pounds.
Maturity.
Looks good on you.
Who knows, in a couple of years,
your voice might change.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Evening.
Dinner ready?
I've been working up a big hunger.
What happened to you?
Oh, Max had a terrible day.
He went over to get our money
back from the real estate man,
and on the way home, he
fell down and hurt his iron fist.
Max!
No problem, Father.
Got all my money back.
J.
Udall's really an understanding guy when
you sit him down a couple dozen times.
You were right, Father.
Excuse me.
Well, there's no denying it.
I just look good in clothes.
Come on in.
Yes, sir.
I took your advice and went to Ike's on
Main Street.
Two flights up.
Darn if it isn't.
Well, sometimes you gotta climb to get
where you're going.
Dinner is served.
That's one beautiful hand, Mildred.
Oh, thank you, Father.
I'm going to miss Freddy.
Freddy?
Don't ask.
Dr. Boyer!
Oh, welcome, Dr. Boyer.
My wife, Soon-Lee.
Hello.
I wanted to make you all dinner in our new
home.
We can still have everyone over to the old
place, honey.
Just one at a time.
Why don't we all sit down?
Soon-Lee, you come over by me.
Dr. Boyer, will you sit here?
And Father, will you give us a blessing?
Oh, my pleasure.
Dear Lord, we thank you for your goodness
in providing us with Freddy.
And blessed please our hosts, German and
Mildred, and Dr. Boyer, who we hope has
found a home at General Pershing,
and Max and Soon-Lee, who may live in a
matchbox, but are about to be richer than
they ever imagined.
Amen.
Amen.
Last one in is a hungry atheist.
Oh, wouldn't you know it.
Mother, if you love me, you'll save me the
shank.
Could I carve?
Wait a minute.
Was that pig a veteran?
Dr. Potter?
Yes.
Sorry to disturb you, sir, but we're looking
for one of your employees, a Max Klinger.
Does he happen to be here?
Yeah, sure.
Klinger?
What's the problem?
Sir?
Something wrong?
We have a warrant for your arrest for
assault and battery in our J.U.T.O.
Will you come with us, please?
Hey, he swung first with a chair.
Cup him, Sam.
Hold it.
I'll vouch for this boy.
Max, why are they doing this?
Honey, it's all right.
I'll straighten it out.
You can't take me away.
My wife's pregnant.
Should have thought of that.
Let's go.
You can't take me away.
Please help him.
Of course.
Father, are you wearing new glasses?
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Do you like them?
Oh, Max.
Sully, put the ham in the oven, mother.
Then we'll be back in 15 minutes.
Make that 90 days.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Max, Max.
Don't worry.
Don't worry, honey.
When the judge hears how we were cheated,
he'll personally drive me home.
If not, you can move in here.
It's a little bigger than our place.
Max, don't despair.
We're going to do everything we can.
Your friends are with you.
You bet.
Thanks, Father.
Just take care of Soon-Lee.
Of course.
All right.
Time's up.
Gotta go, son.
Soon-Lee.
Oh, Max.
My little convict.
Oh, this is one of the reasons I've come
here.
Honey, what is it?
I don't know.
A pain.
Colonel, could be.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
First contractions.
Probably be a while before the next one.
It's happening.
Oh, no, it can't.
We got another two weeks.
Baby, congratulations.
We better get her to a hospital, Francis.
I'll get the car.
We better hurry.
On our way.
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't have it without me.
Wait.
Wait.
Congratulations.
Have a cigar.
After MASH.
Sponsored by General Electric.
We make products that improve your way of
living.
At GE, we bring good things to life.
After MASH.
Later on Emerald Point NAS tonight,
the Admiral's wedding becomes a day of
disaster, and Glenn gives in to gambling
and seduction.
But first, it's a tale of woe when George invites
Dick to join the local Beaver Lodge on Newhart, next.
.