Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e20 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing on TV]
- This is Rick Donaldwhite
reporting on
the tragedy in Sudan,
where for days,
a white man has gone
without sparkling water.
[fluttering]
[curious music]
- Uh
- Daddy, Chris is
attracting birds.
- Chris, stop attracting--
what?
[ominous music]
Rochelle, protect the kids.
[cooing]
[fluttering]
Oh, it's fine.
Come see.
[soft music]
- Aw!
[horn honking]
- Ugh, being her neighbor
is a special kind of hell.
[splat]
Ugh!
- Peaches,
I want to love you deeply
and cover over
our multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8.
So will you do me the honor
of uniting with me
and becoming one flesh?
Genesis 2:24.
- Yes! Yes!
I'ma be a pastor's wife.
- That's not all.
As your wedding present,
I'm buying us a house
in Crown Heights.
- [cheering]
- Wait a minute.
Peaches is moving?
[cheering]
- Wait.
Tasha's not gonna live
next door anymore?
- Tasha could move
into your pants,
and you still ain't got
no shot, sucker.
[laughs]
[upbeat hip-hop music]
♪
- Finally!
No more Peaches
ruining my life.
[soft chiming]
[knocking]
- I got some of y'all's mail
by mistake.
Y'all bills is
way overdue, huh?
[door slamming]
- Now, where is
my nice blue dress?
- Look at this nice blue dress
I found in your closet!
- [grumbling]
♪
[banging]
[crash]
- Sorry, neighbors. [chuckles]
I'm real bad
at hanging posters.
Ooh, chicken.
I call the big piece.
[soft chiming]
- I'm happy for you, Mom.
- Hey, I know you're sad
about Tasha moving,
but there will be
other fish in the sea.
I promise.
Once you grow into your ears.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Oh, hey, Rochelle.
Look how big my ring is.
I punched a guy with it,
and he almost bled out.
- So how soon are we
getting you down the aisle?
- Percy wants to do it
this Saturday,
but it's so much planning.
I might have to pull out.
And you know
I don't believe in that.
- Oh, God.
[soft chiming]
[banging]
[crash]
- Sorry, neighbors.
Ooh, I call the big glass
of prune juice.
- [gulping]
How about I help you
plan your wedding?
- Like any good
wedding planner,
my mom hated the bride.
♪
- If Tasha's moving,
there's gonna be
a new "boy next door"
who will be hotter
and cooler than you.
- She's only moving
to Crown Heights.
- Oh, Chris.
My mom's on Rikers,
and the only time
I see her is when there's
a prison riot on the news.
- This really is
my last chance, huh?
- Yes.
You gotta get in there before
Tasha gets out of there.
- Greg's right, Chris.
When I was a nubile young girl,
I wanted to get with
a counselor at summer camp.
But I decided to wait
till the next year,
and you know what happened?
- He found someone else?
- No, he drowned.
[sobbing]
[door slamming]
[sobbing]
- My brother loved
weddings,
'cause everyone wanted him
as ring bearer,
even white people.
[knocking]
- Oh, hey, Drew.
This ain't your house.
You live over there.
- Mm, no, I'm here to see you.
I'm gonna require
an ivory white ring pillow,
and it's got to be cotton.
- The hell are you
talking about?
- Uh, my ring bearer
requirements.
[chuckles]
- Oh!
Ducky already asked.
He's just so cute.
- [baby voice] Do--do I
hold the pillow like this?
- Ducky?
- I am very, very cute.
[ominous music]
[door slamming]
[opulent music]
♪
- Mr. Omar, this is your store?
- A surprising number of people
die on their wedding day.
Tragic for them--
lucrative for me.
[laughs]
I assume you're looking
for a dress for Ms. Peaches.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, actually,
as the new first lady
of our church,
I've decided to go
by Peaché now.
Ooh.
- OK.
[upbeat music]
Oh. Uh-uh.
[grunts, groaning]
- Ooh, this reminds me.
We have to invite
all my stripper friends.
Marigold, Lavender, Tulips.
They call her "Two Lips"
because--
- I know why.
♪
- Whoo!
[laughter]
- Yeah!
- Your grandma-ass ass
is ruining my
bachelorette party.
I should just call
the whole wedding off.
- [sighs] OK, OK.
Look. I'm fun. See?
Ooh, I'm putting an APB
on your A-S-S.
- [laughs]
Ooh, girl!
That's the real po-po.
Hi, Officer Barry.
Remember me?
Public urination
over on Putnam Ave?
How you been?
- I want her married and gone,
but I don't know how much
longer I can put up with this.
- I don't know how
she can afford all this.
That's $15,000.27
worth of wedding.
- Her daddy's helping pay.
They don't have
a good relationship,
but that's just what
the bride's family does.
- What? They do?
I'm gonna have to pay
for Tonya's wedding?
- And her second one too.
[smooth music]
While Tasha was
getting ready to move,
I was getting ready
to make a move.
♪
[spraying]
♪
[deep voice]
Let me get that for you.
[chuckles]
[thud]
[groaning]
[thudding]
[crash]
Easy peasy.
But damn, all this packing's
making me sweaty.
♪
[grunting]
- [laughs]
You're so funny, Chris.
[suspenseful music]
I'm gonna miss you.
- Suddenly, my whole future
passed before my eyes.
♪
[cheering]
- You better bring home
that baby.
♪
[fart, sloshing]
♪
[heart pounding]
- I thought I just wanted
to have sex with Tasha,
but in that moment, I realized
something horrifying.
I was in love with her.
[frantic breathing] Ah!
[thumping]
[crash]
[upbeat music]
♪
- Chris, you're
sweeping my foot.
- Sorry.
I'm just--I don't feel good.
My heart's beating all fast.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
[laughter]
- Oh, so you're in love.
- Ooh, you got it bad.
- I want to tell her, but I
don't know what she'll say.
- You don't tell a girl
you love her.
You treat her like crap,
sleep with her sister,
and after a while,
she just starts getting it.
- No, no, you gotta tell her.
I waited too long
to tell Nessa.
Now whenever we get down,
we don't know if we'll
ever get back up.
- What if she doesn't
love me back?
[laughter]
- A girl?
Loving you?
- There's just no way.
- You'll never know
if you don't try.
[romantic music]
[crunch]
- Ugh.
[sweeping]
[buzzing]
[organ music]
- Welcome to Pastor Percy's
and Peaché's wedding rehearsal.
Let's start with our
bridesmaids, our groomsmens,
and our ring bearer.
♪
- [scoffing]
He's waving to the crowd.
Amateur.
Oh, he did not
just stop walking.
Mom, Ducky's making
a mockery of ring bearing.
He must be stopped.
- Oh, isn't Ducky so cute?
- All right, Peaché,
walk on up here
towards your very handsome man.
- Rochelle, my train
needs fluffing.
- You don't have
a train right now.
- I will tomorrow.
- [sighs] Fluff, fluff, fluff,
fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff.
[heart pounding]
- Hey, Tasha,
how was the rehearsal?
- It was fine,
but I'm really worried
about my maid of honor speech.
- Everything you say
is perfect.
[clears throat]
I mean, let me hear
what you got.
I had no idea how to tell
Tasha I loved her.
I'd only said that to a girl
once in my entire life.
- OK, time for your
testicular exam.
- I love you.
- I want to say
something heartfelt,
but I can't figure out
what to say.
[heart pounding]
- Well, if I was speaking
from my heart, I'd say,
you mean so much to me.
You always have
and always will.
- Whoa, that's really good.
- And every second
I spend with you, I think,
damn, how'd I get so lucky?
- I mean, I don't know
about every second, but--
- Your laugh,
your smile, your body.
- Uh, what?
- Oh, I--I was just--
- Come on, Tasha.
I need you to drive Mommy
to the rehearsal dinner
because I drank too much
communion wine.
♪
- Stained glass Jesus,
help me tell Tasha how I feel.
- Nah.
- Ugh.
[hip-hop music]
- As men, we don't often
talk about our feelings.
But tonight, I'm gonna try.
Percy, you've got the best
head of hair I've ever seen.
- Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
- [laughs]
Tonya, baby, it's crazy
Peaches invited
all her first and second
cousins to her wedding, right?
[laughs]
- Ugh. Yeah.
Why didn't she invite
her third cousins too?
A wedding should be
for the whole family.
And for close friends,
far friends,
neighbors, mailmen.
[cash register ringing]
- [screaming]
- So, Tasha
[heart pounding]
There's something
I want to say,
something I need to say.
[romantic music]
Uh
- [gasps] It's OK.
Just stop.
- Oh, hell no.
- So--
- Bitch, did you just
pull out my hair?
- No, but I will now.
- Ooh, I got 20 on Marigold.
- I better go
take care of that.
- It felt like
the universe was saying
I should not tell Tasha
I loved her.
[shattering]
And to never pick a fight
with a stripper.
- Iron Peaché's dress, check.
Steam Peaché's hat, check.
Get rid of the bags under
your eyes, Rochelle--Peaches!
- I do, I do, I do-oo.
I do.
- How about you do me?
- I do, I do, I do.
[thud]
Ooh!
- Whoo! Praise the Lord!
[door slamming]
- [heavy breathing]
Oh, do I have to tell Peaches
he's stepping out?
Then she'll call off
the wedding,
and I'll be stuck
with her forever.
Oh, Lord, what--what do I do?
- Lady, I'm a figment of
Chris's imagination, not yours.
- Oh, sorry.
[opulent music]
- [sighs]
[crowd murmuring]
- Have you ever thought
about a courthouse wedding?
Sometimes as a gift, they waive
your parking tickets.
- I can't let you go
through with this, Ducky.
- Hey, give it back, old man.
- Never!
- [baby voice] Peaché, help me.
Drew took my ring pillow.
- Drew, give him the pillow.
- But--
- [crying]
[normal voice]
Your reign is over, Drew.
I'm the cute one
around here now.
Capisce?
- [growling]
- Peaché, the beautiful bride.
- Can you believe it?
Me, little Peaché, finally
[sniffling]
Getting made an honest woman,
like I always dreamed about
since yesterday.
- You deserve all
the happiness in the world,
especially with
an ass like that.
Mm.
- As my mom listened
to her brother
praise her enemy's ass,
she realized she had
to do what was right.
- Uh, Peaché,
can I talk to you?
- Oh, my God, why is
everyone on my nuts today?
♪
- Ugh, there's no good way
to say this,
but, well, I saw Pastor Percy
doing the nasty
with Sister Johnson.
- Oh, oh, OK, that's fine.
- I'm sorry.
I know it's hard to hear,
but--wait.
What?
- It's fine. I know.
I'm only marrying him
'cause the church elders
told him he had to get married
so people stop gossiping
about him and Sister Johnson.
- Why doesn't he
marry her, then?
- Ain't no man ever
gonna settle her down.
So Percy asked me.
It's like a fairy tale.
Now I'm gonna be
the first lady at church,
and he's buying me
a damn house.
Plus, I don't even have
to deal with his walnuts,
'cause Sister Johnson
does that for me.
- Baby, mm
♪
- Well, I guess love looks
different for everyone.
I'm happy for you.
- I know you don't like me.
So why'd you even tell me?
- What?
I do like you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look, just because you
get on my nerves sometimes--
or all the time--
that doesn't mean
I want you to get hurt.
[soft music]
- You want to be my
maid of honor, Rochelle?
- Me?
I thought Tasha was
your maid of honor.
- Eh, she's only 17.
She won't even remember this
when she grows up.
- OK, Peaché.
I'd be honored.
♪
- Train, Rochelle.
- Oh, come on!
[jazzy music]
- Get your wedding
presents here.
I got toasters.
I got blenders.
I got bus tickets to Bermuda.
♪
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
♪
- Tonya,
Daddy wants you to have
a big, beautiful wedding
one day,
but he's worried
he can't afford it.
So I was thinking,
why don't we pick up
some wedding supplies for free?
- What are you talking about?
♪
- You done with that salad?
- Almost.
- Close enough.
You'll invite
all these people, right?
- Sure, if they don't cross me.
- Single ladies,
it's time to gather round.
Make sure Peaché's bouquet
don't touch the ground.
- Say that again, but with
Tonya instead of Peaché.
- Thank you
for my dream wedding.
- Believe me,
it was my dream too.
- I'll miss you when I move.
You're like the much,
much, much, much older
sister I never had.
- My mom was so giddy
the end was near,
she decided to give Peaches
an early wedding present:
a load of bullshit.
- You know,
I honestly can't believe
we didn't take advantage
of being neighbors more.
We could have planted
a garden or shared sugar.
- We could have started a duet.
Peaché Chelley.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Peaché and Her.
- What a shame we won't get to.
And just think,
we probably won't even
see each other ever again.
- Such a ♪
Sha-a-a-ame
both: Sha-a-ame ♪
- We've heard a bunch
from Percy and Peaché.
Now let's hear what
the daughter has to say.
[applause]
[feedback screeching]
[soft music]
- [coughs]
- [clears throat]
[sighs] OK.
When I was a little girl
uh--
♪
When I--wow, sorry, sorry.
I just--OK, here it is.
Um, yes.
When I was a little girl--
damn it!
Sorry.
[feedback screeching]
[heart pounding]
[hip-hop music]
- I got you, Tasha.
♪
Let's all give
a big hand for Tasha.
[applause]
She's been designated driving
and stopping stripper fights
for days.
She deserves a break.
OK.
My mom and I don't
always get along,
but there's no one else I'd
rather talk about boys with.
OK.
Over the years,
I got used to living in a home
where we were all women.
Uh-uh.
When I got my first period--
uh, nope.
- Boo!
- Look, we're here
to celebrate love, right?
In my house,
love means a lot of things.
It means flowers,
the big piece of chicken,
a slap upside the head.
[laughter]
I didn't go up to get laughs.
I went up to save Tasha.
[upbeat music]
♪
The laughs just
sort of happened.
[laughter]
It was my first show:
Chris Rock,
live from Peaché's
fake-ass marriage.
[laughter]
[upbeat music]
- It's crazy that
this was us 19 years ago.
- Our wedding was perfect,
wasn't it?
♪
- Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Tonya, honey, you don't need
any of this stuff.
When you get married,
I'm gonna pay
for the wedding of your dreams.
No matter what it costs,
it's going to be perfect.
- Thank you, Daddy.
But don't worry.
You'll have lots of time
to save up.
I don't even have
a boyfriend yet.
- That's right, and you won't
for a long, long, long time.
♪
- Anyone ever tell you
you look like
a young El DeBarge?
- All the time.
I'm James.
Want to dance?
[jazzy music]
♪
- [grunts]
- Hello, young Drew.
- Sensei Jason?
- Remember, all martial arts
heroes need one thing
to be truly great:
a mortal enemy.
- My mortal enemy.
You shall rue the day
you ever--
- Yeah, can I clear your plate?
- Hey, Chris,
do you want to dance?
- Me?
Yeah.
- Thank you for saving me
up there.
- Oh, it was nothing.
- Why did you do it?
- Well, because--
'cause you make me feel sick.
- Uh, what?
- What I mean is, I love you.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have--
- No, Chris.
It's OK.
I actually love you too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
When I was thinking
about moving,
I started to realize
the person I'd miss most
was you.
- Aw, I wish
you didn't have to move.
- Oh, about that
- The moving truck!
Today is the first day
of the rest of my life.
Why are they moving
boxes inside?
Hey, you're going backwards!
Go out, not in.
What are you doing?
I thought Pastor Percy was
buying you a place.
- He did! Mine. Ha!
You and me was
getting along so well,
I wanted to be
forever neighbors,
so I made him buy
my house for me.
- I flew too close to the sun.
- Look at us,
neighbors forever.
Isn't it great?
Isn't it great ♪
Come on, Chelley.
We're gonna be
neighbors forever ♪
Come on.
Neighbors forever ♪
[kissing]
- I was finally with Tasha,
and my heart was
beating normal.
I didn't feel like
I was gonna throw up.
I realized the last time
I'd felt sick like that was--
[laughter]
[heart pounding]
I realized there was something
I loved even more than Tasha.
The sound of my own voice.
- What's wrong?
Is it my breath?
- No, your breath's perfect.
Where'd you buy
your toothpaste?
Heaven?
- Stop trying to be funny.
We're kissing.
- I finally had my dream girl,
but my dream had changed.
[hip-hop music]
♪
- Sometimes you see someone,
you know they're funny.
I do not have that
feeling right now.
[door slamming]
- [groans]
singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
[funky music]
♪
- MTV ♪