Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e20 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
I sure hate to see you go, Mr. Bagley.
Well, I hate to leave, but I have to go back upstate.
Well, couldn't you see your way
clear to just stay one more day?
I can't.
Not even at our special end-of-the-tourist-season,
bargain reduced rates?
I'm sorry, Kate.
I'll move you into the bridal suite.
Kate, I'm not even married.
Well, you could pretend.
I'm sorry, I have to run.
My train's just about due.
But thanks for everything.
I sure hope the train doesn't break down.
Otherwise, you're gonna have to stay here a few more days.
Oh, there she is.
Hooray.
Well, see you next year.
Well, there goes our clientele.
Who needs him? We do.
He was our last link between us and money.
Well, I wouldn't worry, Kate.
Something will come along.
Oh, I know what will come along bankruptcy.
Another week without any customers,
and we're gonna be eating greens three times a day.
I don't see why.
We can always get credit from Sam Drucker.
I can't go to Sam.
We already owe him a small fortune.
I can go to Sam.
Borrowing money is a man's job.
How big a hole are we in?
Well, we have a $200 bank loan payment
to meet at the end of the week.
$200?!
That's not a hole.
That's a gol dang crater.
I want you to take this
locket into Pixley for me.
It ought to bring a good price.
Kate, you mean you want me to pawn your gold locket?
You're gonna have to.
I can't bear to.
Kate, you've worn this next to your heart
since the day you were married.
Well, you better hustle along,
or you're gonna miss the train.
Kate
And none of this nonsense about going to Sam Drucker
with another sob story.
Sure, Kate.
Cross your heart.
Sure, Kate.
Dang Sam Drucker.
He's out hunting canvas backs, and I'm out 200 greenbacks.
Pardon me, sir.
Can you possibly tell us where we are?
In front of Sam Drucker's store in Hooterville.
Hootersville!
Good heavens, Henrietta,
they dropped us off in a foreign land.
What were you looking for?
Madam Bovary's Hideaway Reducing Farm.
Madam Bovary's?
Only one of the most exclusive reducing resorts
in the entire country.
Oh, yeah.
Madam Bovary.
I hear she's charging quite a bit these days.
$200 a week per person, but it's worth it.
We'll do anything if you'll only tell us how to get there.
I can tell you how to get to a place
that will make Madam Bovary's look like a chicken coop.
Really?
Have you ever heard of the Shady Rest Reducing Farm?
Never. Good.
Then I'll tell you about it.
It so happens
that just 25 miles from where we're standing
is the most exclusive reducing resort
in North America.
The Shady Rest?
The same.
If the Shady Rest is so famous,
why haven't we heard about it?
Oh, it's too exclusive to advertise.
Surely you've heard of the Shady Rest motto:
"Your loss is our gain."
Well, yes.
Why, yes, I think I have.
Do you think they'd take us in?
Well, we'd sure try.
We?
Are you associated with the Shady Rest?
Well, without me,
they wouldn't be where they are today.
You mean that you're in charge?
I handle the business end.
Kate Bradley handles the reducing end.
What can we lose?
Well, I'd say about, uh, 20 pounds apiece.
Oh, I'd love to lose 20 pounds.
I'd settle for ten.
Fine. And our rates are only half that of Madam Bovary's.
Let's go.
I don't know.
Madam Bovary Well, she's considered
I'll tell you what.
If you're not satisfied, it won't cost you one penny.
Now what do you say?
That sounds fair enough.
It's a deal. Now how do we get there?
Oh, we're just in time.
The TH & SW is here coming.
TH & SW?
Yeah, Thin Hip and Slim Waistline Special.
Let's go, girls.
Mom, guess what?
The Cannonball stopped.
Well, of course it stopped.
How else can it drop off Uncle Joe?
Oh, it isn't just Uncle Joe.
He's bringing up enough suitcases
to start a luggage store.
Guests? Oh, wonderful!
Run upstairs and tidy up our best rooms.
I just can't wait to meet this Kate Bradley.
She sounds like an amazing woman.
She's all of that.
Wait till you meet her.
You'd never believe she's 75 years old.
75?! My word!
You certainly have an isolated spot here.
How did you ever find it?
It wasn't easy.
I have never seen anything so quaint.
We spared no expense to quaint it up.
Just smell that clean, fresh air.
Ooh, it gives me shivers.
Air-sniffing and goose bumps is on the house,
so help yourself to all you want.
Come this way, ladies.
Kate, these two women just love the looks of the place.
Oh Here's a little something
I don't think you're gonna have to part with.
I sure love you, Uncle Joe.
How do you do?
I'm Henrietta Boswell of Boston,
and this is Gertrude Hawley of Philadelphia.
Glad to meet you.
I'm Kate Bradley of Hooterville.
Mrs. Bradley,
it is certainly no problem to you, is it?
Oh, no. It's just a matter
of keeping everything in top condition.
It's remarkable.
Unbelievable.
75 years old.
Yeah, and good for many years more.
Oh, we just can't wait to get started on your program.
Program?
Oh, yes, my daughters do sing after supper sometimes.
Um, uh, I better, uh, go upstairs and make sure
that your rooms are ready.
What do you think?
She is a fantastic woman, all right.
If you think she's something,
you should see her three old maid daughters.
You girls know I wouldn't ask you to do anything wrong.
I guess not.
Of course not.
Ain't I been your sweet
and trusted old uncle all these years?
But Uncle Joe, isn't that lying?
Betty Jo, it's not lying to tell these women you're 32.
You will be 32 one of these days.
You're just telling a truth ahead of time.
And I'm 35.
I'm 37?
You look good for your age.
I don't know what Mom would think.
Betty Jo, we're-we're doing this for your mom.
Why, if we can turn the Shady Rest
into a beauty factory for just one week,
she can meet the payment on that loan.
Okay, Uncle Joe, if you say so.
Good girls.
Now get in there and look well-preserved.
Good heavens! Chicken and dumplings?
For us?
Oh, you can have all you want at Shady Rest,
so long as you clean your plate.
I'll go get the mashed potatoes.
To think that these lovely creatures
are actually in the middle 30s.
And you eat meals like this?
Oh, all the time.
Amazing.
How do they stay so thin?
After all, we are here to reduce.
That's one of Kate's secrets.
It isn't how much you eat,
it's the combination that counts.
Uh, you ladies ever ate, uh, turnip greens?
Never. Heaven forbid.
Well, there's your answer.
You can eat all the chicken and dumplings you want,
so long as you eat some of our special,
home-grown turnip greens with it.
Oh, must we?
Well, if it works, Henrietta.
Take some.
Just a minute, Mr. Carson.
You eat here all the time.
Why aren't you thin?
Yes, how do you explain that?
Ladies, you're looking at a most unfortunate soul.
I'm probably the only man living
who's allergic to turnip greens.
Well, here are the mashed potatoes.
Would you like anything else?
Just one more thing.
Another bowl of these fabulous turnip greens.
More pancakes, please, Mom.
Me, too.
Ooh, coming right up.
And more sausage, too.
Sorry. You're out of luck.
When Uncle Joe and our two
lady guests left the breakfast table,
most of the sausage went with them.
I'll bet our guests haven't tasted anything
like your sausage.
They sure haven't.
Uncle Joe ate it all.
What did they have?
Pancakes and turnip greens.
For breakfast?!
It's what they wanted.
Say, Mom, what's all that racket out back?
That's Uncle Joe chopping wood.
Uncle Joe?
Chopping wood?!
I can't get over the change in Uncle Joe this morning.
Just out of habit, I said, chop some wood,
paint the back fence,
and do a few of the chores he's been avoiding.
And listen to him out there, going a mile a minute.
Take it easy, ladies.
You don't want to overdo the first day.
Gertrude, isn't this exciting?
Personally, I think it's exhausting.
I've never exercised in such
a a primitive fashion before.
Well, it's all part of our back to nature program.
Oh.
You won't see none of them do-nothing gadgets around here
like they have in them big city reducing saloons.
Them and their fancy bicycles,
big dumbbells and swimming pools.
They reduce your wallet, not your waistline.
But doesn't it seem terribly strenuous?
I used to feel that way about it, but not anymore.
Do you exercise this way, too?
Oh, every day.
If I had another ax, I'd be going at it with you.
Oh, well, we hate to deprive you of your morning exercise.
Ladies, it's my pleasure.
One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two This is fun.
It's the greatest wrist-thinning exercise ever invented.
One, two
Okay, ladies, that'll be enough for now.
Run around the hotel a couple of times,
and we'll get back to the wrist-thinning exercise
later this afternoon.
Uncle Joe, have you
had those poor women painting the fence?
Kate, I come down here this morning
to do my chores, just like you asked me,
and doggone if them two didn't come along
in them funny-looking clothes and take over.
They asked to do your chores?
These city women sure are peculiar in some ways.
I guess I just never will understand rich folk.
I don't believe it, you two gorgeous girls
can't be the two unfortunates
that came dragging in here last night.
Have we really changed that much?
And gotten thinner?
Well, if you shrink any more,
we'll have to send you home in envelopes.
I can't believe we're losing all those pounds.
Step right on here.
You go first, Gertrude.
Oh, Henrietta, I couldn't.
My heart's beating too fast.
All right.
My heavens.
I've lost 12 pounds.
Oh, let me try!
Henrietta, so have I.
It's unbelievable.
Henrietta, let's get on
with our wrist-thinning exercises.
You ladies go ahead, I'll be with you shortly.
Kate, my dear.
Hold it, Uncle Shenanigans.
What was that about wrist-thinning exercises?
And what are doing with the scale?
Uh, I-I-I guess them two city women
just found another strange way to exercise,
and I'm taking these upstairs.
Why is it, while they're exercising,
they just happen to be doing your work?
Oh, I don't ask questions.
I just live and let live.
You mind sitting this one out?
I've got to get these scales upstairs.
All right.
If I can't get a straight answer out of you,
maybe one of our guests will give me one.
Now, wait a minute, Kate.
I don't think you want to do that.
I don't? Why not?
You might upset them.
All right.
Then, you tell me the truth.
I always tell you the truth.
You know that, Kate.
Yeah, I know that, but sometimes
you twist it a little.
This time, I want it straight.
Let's have it.
Well, I'm afraid this kind of truth's
gonna require a sitting position.
I'll take it standing.
Well, you-you go ahead with it.
I'm gonna have to tell it sitting.
And for your part in this wild scheme
Just as soon as I can afford
to give them back to you again,
I'm withdrawing your allowances.
We're sorry, Mom, but we didn't want
the hotel to go bankrupt.
It's a lot cheaper at Shady Rest
than it is at Madame Bovary's.
And Uncle Joe's keeping them happy
and saving them money at the same time.
He couldn't bear to sell your locket.
Oh, I know he meant well,
but there are two ways to do things:
the right way and Uncle Joe's way.
Well, what are you gonna do about it?
Just what I told Uncle Joe.
After supper, I'm going in there
and tell those ladies the truth.
And there will be no more weight-reducing turnip greens.
Oh, here you are.
Ladies, I'm afraid I'm the bearer of sad tidings.
What's the matter?
Oh, Kate's at it again.
Kate's at what again?
Happens every time.
What happens?
Hadn't you noticed?
She's jealous of you.
Jealous?
Small wonder with how lovely and beautiful
you're beginning to look.
You know, Kate can't stand being challenged
as the queen bee around here.
It's getting so we can't keep customers
around here anymore. What do you mean?
I'm afraid she's going to try to coax you
into leaving with some cock-and-bull story.
But we were making such beautiful progress.
You bet you are.
That's why the old girl's starting to sizzle.
She's thinking that if you stay around here any longer,
you'll start to look too good.
Might even stumble onto her personal miracle secret.
Personal miracle secret?
The one she ain't never divulged,
except to her daughters when they started
to wrinkle up a while back.
Well, I'm not leaving here
until I find out what it is.
That goes for me, too.
Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.
She's getting green with envy.
She might even tell you anything.
I wouldn't be surprised if she told you
that this wasn't a reducing farm.
She wouldn't dare.
Oh, she couldn't make us swallow that story.
Come on, Gertrude,
let's get on with our wrist thinning.
Thank you.
Mrs. Boswell, Mrs. Hawley,
um, I don't know how to say this,
but, um, I'm afraid you've
been exercising under false pretenses.
This isn't a reducing farm.
Oh? You don't say.
You see, the Shady Rest
is just a plain little old country hotel.
Is that a fact?
And all that nonsense about me being 75
and turnip greens and everything
Did you notice I-I didn't have the nerve
to serve them to you tonight?
Yes, we noticed.
Then I wouldn't blame you if, in the morning,
you checked out without paying.
Oh, we don't intend to check out, Mrs. Bradley.
You don't?
No, we like it here just the way it is.
You mean you're gonna stay?
Definitely.
And now, if you'll excuse us,
we'll have to go on up to our rooms.
We're tired.
Night-night. Ta-ta.
Ta We heard it all.
They didn't even seem to mind a bit.
No.
You know, girls, if I live to be 100,
I'll never understand city folk.
You have them. Wonderful.
Two heaping dishes of turnip greens,
freshly filched.
After all that pot roast
and mashed potatoes we ate, we'll need plenty.
It's so good to be back on our diets.
Darn.
What are you looking for, Mom?
The only button that matches
the one on that dress.
Oh.
Maybe it has something to do with the circulation.
Could be.
I found Miranda, Mom,
but I can't find her kittens.
Oh, well, as soon as I finish
fixing this meal for them,
we'll go see if we can find them.
I sneaked a peek at her in the kitchen a moment ago.
She's mixing all sorts of things in a bowl.
Marvelous!
Henrietta, we may be hitting the jackpot at last.
Be patient, honey.
This will be ready in a couple of seconds.
This bonemeal is great for the teeth.
What is that you're adding, Mom?
Special vitamins to build up pep and resistance.
You're right, Henrietta.
This is the secret.
Mom, there isn't a living creature around here
that doesn't benefit by what you know.
It's taken a long time to figure out
the right combination of ingredients.
First, you wouldn't eat it.
Then I finally found a way to make it appetizing.
You sure have the secret, Mom.
There, it's all set.
Now, let's go out in back and see
if we can find the rest of the family.
Shall we take that along?
Oh, no, leave it They can eat in here.
Ugh! Did she say this was appetizing?
I wouldn't feed it to my cat.
Betty Jo?
Over here, Mom.
We're all waiting supper for you, dear.
Couldn't you find your schoolbooks?
Oh, sure, but I found something else.
The Cannonball just sprung a new leak.
Well, I declare, it's
it's spouting steam like a teakettle.
It's the steam pipe on the air pump.
I've been looking around for something to fix it.
Well, it it sounds bad.
Is it serious?
Not really, but I just can't bear
to see the Cannonball bleed like this.
I can't hear what they're saying,
but it looks to me like they're breathing that steam.
Yes, they are, aren't they?
Do you suppose the boiler of that locomotive
is filled with water
that has some kind of rare minerals in it?
It's possible.
And it could be that the miracle takes place
when the water turns to steam.
Please, Mom, please.
All right, Betty Jo, you can use the clamp
off the garden hose to fix it, but after supper.
Floyd and Charley are starving.
Come on, let's go.
Thanks, Mom, the new pipe's rusting out awful fast.
It's no wonder with the hard water we got around here.
Come on.
It sure does have an effect, doesn't it?
Well, it's so chock full of minerals.
Then, when it's heated
and you put pressure on it, never fails.
You're right.
It's the water that does it every time.
Well, Henrietta, shall we?
My dear, we've tried Swedish steam
and Turkish steam and Finnish steam, but now,
for the greatest steam of all:
the Kate Bradley miracle steam of youth.
Oh, Henrietta, isn't this exciting?
Oh, divine.
Ladies, don't tell me you're leaving.
Yes, it's time we went home, Mr. Carson.
Well, I guess all good things
have to come to an end.
You ain't got no idea what staying
at the Shady Rest has done for you.
Oh, yes, we have.
Indeed.
You look years younger, both of you.
And we feel younger, Mr. Carson.
That's because we learned Mrs. Bradley's secret.
You what?
You did? Shh.
Oh, oh, girls, girls, would you get
the ladies' baggage down to the tracks.
We did learn your secret, Mrs. Bradley.
My secret?
Just a minute, Mr. Carson, come here.
You're very much involved in this, you know.
Mrs. Bradley, we've been following you for days,
from the rooster's first crow
to the time you go to bed.
And we know your secret.
I don't know what you mean.
What secret?
What keeps you young and attractive.
Ladies, why don't we just forget the whole thing?
Your secret, Mrs. Bradley, is hard work.
We have never seen anyone tackle work the way you do.
You're incredible.
You're not 75 years old
like this old rascal would have us believe,
but you're still an incredible woman.
Old maid daughters in their 30s
don't usually go to high school,
do they, Mr. Carson?
Well, ordinarily, no, but these girls
didn't take up book learning until they
You old rogue, you tricked us, didn't you?
Now admit it.
Well, now, ladies,
there's two ways to look at that.
You see Uncle Joe
Okay, I admit it.
I'm sorry, ladies.
I am, too, and you don't owe us
a penny for staying here.
Don't be silly.
We had a wonderful time.
We've been on so many diets for the last six months.
Eating again was heavenly.
Your food, Mrs. Bradley, is fabulous.
I know, but it's-it's not fair for you to pay.
You came here to take off weight.
Well, we can do that horrible thing
at Madame Bovary's.
Let's go, Gertrude.
Good-bye, Mrs. Bradley.
Mr. Carson
Good-bye, ladies, and thank you.
Yeah, thanks a million, ladies.
And good-bye.
Good-bye, you old rascal.
Well, it
worked out pretty good after all.
Only because they were such nice ladies.
What would you have done
if they hadn't paid for staying here?
I wasn't worried.
You see, I just got word
Sam Drucker's back from his hunting trip.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a Filmways Presentation.