The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e20 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
Starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
Now, I'll-I'll be back
on the 4:15 bus this afternoon.
Yeah, yeah.
Say, Andy, don't you think
we oughta have a sign made
"Barney Fife, Acting Sheriff?"
Well, now, I don't hardly
see how that'd be worthwhile,
seeing as how, by the
time it's ready, I'll be back.
Oh.
Now, don't forget
to cover the school
crossing at 3:00.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, boy,
sure gives an acting
sheriff a good feeling
to have these babies around.
Yeah.
Now, if you need me
you'll find me at the
courthouse in Centerville.
Yeah, sure.
Say, you know, Andy
I best break out
them tear gas bombs.
What for?
Well, what if there
should be a jailbreak?
Well, I mean
Well, an acting
sheriff never can tell
what he might be
needing 'em for.
I better break 'em out.
Well, now, Barney,
in the first place,
in the whole history of Mayberry
they ain't never
been no need for 'em
and in the second
place, that one bomb
they give us four
years ago is a sample,
it's probably spoilt by
now, and in the third place
I can't even remember
where I hid it.
Oh, if you was to lose
the keys to the patrol car
there's a extra set in the
top drawer of my desk.
I guess I'll just have to
depend on that old riot gun.
It's broke.
Now don't forget to
sweep up out in the front.
Andy, will you stop
all that fussing?
A body didn't know
no better'd think
you wasn't easy in your mind
about leaving me in charge.
He would?
He sure would.
"Sweep up,"
"cover the school crossing,"
"don't lose the car keys."
Andy, gosh
a-mighty, it ain't as if
you was leaving some
young, inexperienced
whippersnapper in charge.
You're leaving good
ol' reliable Barney Fife.
Yeah.
Andy, are you trying to tell me
you don't think I can keep
law and order in Mayberry
for eight measly
little old hours?
It is just eight
measly little old hours.
Barney, I want you to know
I got all the confidence
in the world in you.
Now them's the kind of potatoes
I was hoping I'd
hear from you, Andy.
( horn honking outside)
I better hurry.
That bus gonna leave without me.
Now, I promise you,
I won't let you down.
You just go right
on to Centerville
and do your testifyin'
relaxed and easy in your mind.
Okay.
Because you're leaving this town
in the good right
hand of Barney Fife.
Good. I'll see you, Barney.
All right.
( door closes)
( horn honks)
Howdy, Barney.
Good to see you back, Sheriff.
Good to be back.
Everything, uh, all right?
Right as rain, Sheriff.
You didn't think I could
handle her, did you?
Come on, Andy,
now, tell the truth.
You really didn't think I
could do it, now, did you?
Now, did you?
( chuckles): You
doubtin' son of a gun.
Well, now, Barney,
I got to admit there
for a minute this morning
I did have my doubts.
Well, what do you think now?
Well, everything
looks mighty quiet.
See, I told you Barney
Fife wouldn't let you down.
I told you you were leaving
this town in good hands.
( chuckling): Yeah.
I must say ( people yelling)
Well, no wonder
it's quiet in town.
The whole population's in here.
Yeah! Like I
promised you, Sheriff.
Law and order's been kept
in Mayberry this here day.
Well, it's been kept
more this here day
than all the other
days put together.
All right, now, just
quiet down. Now, quiet.
Now, be quiet.
Everybody just, just quiet down.
Come on, come on,
quiet down back there.
Quiet! We know how to
deal with unruly prisoners.
( growling)
You got 'em packed in
there like sardines in a can.
Well, you just swore
me in as acting sheriff,
not acting Justice of the Peace.
So I couldn't try them, could I?
No.
Well, I guess we better
get the can openers
and let 'em out
so's the ones in the back
can start breathing again.
Now, now when I let
you out, if you wouldn't mind
just line up in front
of my desk over here
and I guess we can
just try you right now.
Hello, Harry.
Miss Mary, how are you?
Hello hello, Judd,
how you doing?
How are you, sir?
Mayor Mayor?!
Oh, it's an outrage, sir,
that's what it is an outrage!
( stammering)
How are you, Miss
Johnson? How are you?
He Hello, Franklin,
how are things at the bank?
Hello, Charlie.
Hey, Nellie,
that's a nice dress.
Aunt Aunt Bee?!
Oh, he showed no favoritism,
I'll say that for him.
But it's all I'll say for him.
Come along, Opie.
Op?! You didn't
arrest Opie, too?
Well, I couldn't leave
him home alone, could I?
Come along, criminal.
How are you?
Glad
I'm glad you all are
Hi, Andy.
Hello, there, Chester.
Otis, how are you?
You're looking good.
What'd you do, drop a
net on the whole town?
Just about.
( people murmuring)
Clear the way.
Excuse me here. Excuse me.
Well, we might as well
get on with it, Barney.
What's the first case?
Judd Fletcher.
( citizens murmuring)
All right. What's the charge?
Judd Fletcher,
Age: 74, Hair: gray
Eyes: blue
I know how old he is
and I know his name
and I can see the color
of his hair and eyes.
Now, just read off
the charge, Barney.
Violation of Municipal
Code Number 721-8,
Disturbing the Peace.
Disturbing the peace?
Old Judd here?
He's tetched, Andy.
I ain't had the strength
to disturb the peace
nigh on to 30 years.
( everybody laughing)
Well, it don't take
much strength
to throw a checkerboard
full of checkers
off the porch of
the Mayberry hotel
and call old Chester Jones
a two-faced cheating liar
at the top of his lungs.
Now, that's disturbing the
peace, for heaven's sakes.
Uh-huh. Judd, would
you mind hollering
"Two-faced, Cheating
Liar" at the top of your lungs?
( quietly): Chester Jones,
you're a two-faced cheating liar.
( everybody laughing)
Well, he did willfully
and with malice aforethought
throw a checkerboard
full of checkers.
Could have blinded somebody.
Well, now, seeing as
how that's been going on
between Chester
and old Judd here
for around 20 years
that's more a part of the peace
than it is disturbing the peace.
Case dismissed, Judd.
You can go on home.
Thank you, Andy.
And thank you, too, Barney.
What for?
Well, considering the
kind of crime I done
for not trying to get me hung.
( everybody laughing)
Next case.
Bee Taylor.
Aunt Bee, are you back there?
Come on through.
What's the charge, Barney?
Bee Taylor. Age
You say another
word, Barney Fife,
and you'll regret it.
What's the charge, Barney?
Code Number 421:
Unlawful Assemblage
and Inciting to Riot.
Aunt Bee?!
Yes, Aunt Bee.
( sighs)
ANDY: All right. What happened?
I was standing in
front of the courthouse
chatting with a
group of ladies
BARNEY: Now, that's unlawful
assemblage in my book.
Well
And I asked them
real nice to move along.
But Aunt Bee kept
right on talking.
So I asked her again and
she said, "Stop interrupting."
And then one of the women
raised her umbrella to me.
Now, that's inciting to riot.
( chuckling): Well
Well, now, Barney
it looks like to me you
could have overlooked it
seeing as how the women
always do congregate
in front of the courthouse here
and talk to one another
and have been right on
and seeing as how
it was Aunt Bee
Oh, overlook nothing.
He was too busy yelling,
"There'll be no favoritism
in Barney Fife's
Administration."
You gonna fingerprint
me, Barney?
Oh, don't joke, honey.
He's liable to send
you up to state prison.
Next case.
( clears his
throat): Mayor Pike.
Oh, uh, how are you, Mayor?
How am I?
What's the charge, Barney?
Violation of Code Number Four
Come on, Barney.
What's the charge?
439: Vagrancy and Loitering.
Vagrancy and loitering?
The Mayor?
Uh, I don't know, Barney,
he looks pretty sober to me.
But you should've seen him
when I nabbed him, Andy.
I made a chalk line on the
street and told him to walk it.
You know what he said?
What?
"What line?"
I tell you, Andy
I got this one dead to rights.
That's what he
said "What line?"
That what you said, Otis?
Yup.
Well, I just don't
understand it.
Three hours ago
you couldn't see a chalk line.
Now how you explain that, Otis?
Well, now, maybe I
didn't see that there line
'cause I wasn't
wearing my specs.
Drunk or sober, I can't tell
very much without my glasses.
Well, were you drunk when
Deputy Fife arrested you?
I can't tell.
I wasn't wearing my glasses.
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to dismiss it, Barney.
You can go, Otis.
Thanks, Andy.
( door closes)
Uh, Barney
I had 'em, Andy.
I had 'em all dead to rights.
You can check the manual.
Every one of 'em
was as guilty as sin.
Now-now, listen to me, Barney.
Listen to me just a minute.
Now, it's true you had 'em
all dead to rights by the book.
But now, if you went
strictly by the book
why, I don't reckon we'd
have anything in this country
but 180 million jailbirds.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right. I
I guess I was just
trying to show you
how much you could depend on me.
Well, now, I-I-I know
you were, Barney,
and I appreciate that,
but, well, I gue I guess
you tried just a mite too hard.
Yeah.
Well, like they say,
"Once burnt is a lesson learnt."
Right.
One mistake, better cake.
Once bit, best fergit.
Oh! Getting thinner
all the time there.
See, I've got some tonic
that's guaranteed to
grow hair over your eyes.
I don't want hair over my eyes.
I want it over my head.
Well, that's good.
That's very good.
Hi, fellers.
Well, if it ain't
old "Wild Bill" Fife.
Duck, everybody!
( laughing)
Oh, come on, Mayor,
I don't think you ought
to call old Barney
here "Wild Bill."
Thank you, Pete.
He's much more like
that there Wyatt Earp fella.
( laughing and whooping)
FLOYD: Oh, no, wait a minute
Oh, now, come on, fellas, I
Don't laugh.
No, it ain't every deputy
that can smoke out
a desperate outlaw
like old Judd!
PETE: Give you
much of a fight, Wyatt?
He sure did.
He shot old Wyatt
here full of checkers!
( all laughing)
No, no, wait, just a minute.
You know, I don't think we ought
to be making fun of old Barn here.
No, fact is, Mayberry don't
deserve a law officer like
You know what? If we
was real good patriots
we'd get in touch
with the government
and offer them a trade:
Barney here for J. Edgar Hoover.
( laughing hysterically)
That's the funniest
thing I ever heard!
( laughing continues)
Barney, Barney, quick,
you got to catch him!
Who?
The fella what just hit and run!
Hit and run? Where?!
Out to the baseball field!
( starts laughing)
( hearty laughter)
( door opens)
Oh, howdy, Barn.
Oh, now, Barney, are you
still fretting about that business?
Now, like you said,
"Once bit, best fergit."
Fergit? How's a feller
supposed to fergit
when the whole dang
town's laughing at him?
Oh, now, Barney, you're
just being extra sensitive.
They don't mean anything by it.
They're just having a
little spell of innocent fun.
Innocent fun? Well, maybe
it don't seem so innocent
when you're what
they're having the fun at.
Fergit, you say.
Well, how's a feller
supposed to fergit
when everybody in
town's reminding him of it
every minute of the day.
Oh, now, Barney
( phone ringing)
Sheriff's office.
What? Where?
Oh.
What was that?
Somebody wanted Deputy Fife
to come over to the post office.
There was a big
fight over there.
A big fight?
Yeah.
The postmaster just licked
a bunch of stamps.
It's a joke, Andy.
Why ain't you laughing?
I am.
Morning, Barney.
Morning.
Barney
( sighs)
Uh
( clears throat)
Barney, uh
Are you all right?
Of course I'm all right.
Well, the reason I asked
is the way you're dressed.
Well, what's the matter
with the way I'm dressed?
Your tie is open and on crooked
your pants look like
they were slept in
by a fella that tossed
and turned all night.
How you explain that?
I slept in 'em
and tossed and turned all night.
Well, Barney, this
is just not like you.
Now, what do you
got to say to all this?
Oh, I know, you're
acting this way
because they laughed at you.
Well, you can make
them stop laughing at you.
Just stand up straight
and neat like you used to
and look them right in the
eye like you was saying,
"I'm Barney Fife,
Deputy Sheriff,
and I'm as good a man as any."
Now, come on, give her a try.
( listless): I'm Barney
Fife, Deputy Sheriff,
and I'm as good a man as any.
You're Barney
Fife, Deputy Sheriff
and you're as good a
man as any. Try her again.
You're Barney
Fife, Deputy Sheriff
and you're as good a
man as any. Try her again.
Barney, you're
not trying at all.
I declare, I don't
( honks)
What did I do wrong, Sheriff?
Nothing, Hilda May.
I was just hoping
you might be able
to help me set something right.
Me? How?
Well, like the fella says,
when in doubt,
have a little talk
with the girl the fella's
got a sweet tooth for.
Come on in and set down.
It's Barney, Hilda May.
He's, uh, he's
feeling mighty low.
Oh, I know.
He needs building up.
He needs admiring real bad.
I know it, Sheriff.
I tried to do just
that last night.
You did?
Uh-huh.
We had a date.
I'd heard what he'd done
so I wasn't too surprised when
he came over just dragging
and looking like a
sad old hound dog.
Well, knowing him as I do
I knew I had my
work cut out for me.
Sheriff, I tell you, I
buttered that fella up
frontways, backways,
sideways and edgewise.
I drooled over the
shape of his nose.
I admired his suit.
And I oohed about
the size of his muscles.
And that isn't the half of it.
I told him how smart he was
I acted how lucky I was
and I sat bent over
some so's he'd feel taller.
I tell you, Sheriff, that
fella was so buttered up
if you tried to grab him, he'd
squoosh right out of your hand.
Yes, sir, and it was
beginning to work.
He was really perking up.
And then I made my big mistake.
I started running my
fingers through his hair
and mussed it up.
He looked so silly I
couldn't help laughing.
He can't stand to be laughed at.
Yeah, I know it, he's
gotten pretty sensitive.
I tell you the truth,
I just don't know what to do
for the poor fella anymore.
Yeah.
It isn't right, Sheriff.
Folks are really so fond of him.
Yeah, that's right, they are.
Sure, everybody likes Barney.
That's what makes it so bad.
They don't realize
they're hurting him.
It's just a joke to them.
Uh-huh.
Well, now, that's
probably because
they've never thought about it
quite that way before.
Oh, but that will never do.
Huh.
Now, hold on there.
Hold on just a dang second.
A-Are we playing checkers
or hide-and-go-seek?
I'm playing checkers.
But I'll be danged
if I can figure out
what you're playing.
Is that a fact? Why, you old!
Bub-bub-bub, you best
mind your language, Judd.
You go hollering names at me,
I got to holler
some back at you.
Next thing, this Sherlock
Holmes deputy of Andy's here
will be running us in
for disturbing the peace.
( both laughing)
Yeah, you, yeah, you
You better hold your
hollering till tomorrow, Judd.
Maybe my new deputy
won't have such sensitive airs.
New deputy?
Oh, of course, I can't
hardly keep on a deputy
that everybody's
laughing at, can I?
Heh! Sherlock Holmes
Deputy that's a zinger, that is.
( laughing)
Whew!
( continues laughing)
( laughing and hooting)
I tell you the truth,
that deputy of mine
is good for more
comical wisecracks
than a barrelful of monkeys!
You're right, Andy, that he is.
Yeah, when I think
of all the good jokes
we can get off on old Barney,
I'm almost sorry
I got to let him go.
( all stop laughing)
Yeah How much
I owe you, Floyd?
You going to fire him, Andy?
Well, of course.
Deputy's getting
jokes made about him,
why, that there fella's lost
the confidence of the people.
He ain't much use to a
sheriff anymore, is he?
What's the damage, Floyd?
Huh? Oh, it's one dollar.
( chuckles): There you are.
Desperate outlaw like old Judd.
That's a humdinger, that'n is.
( laughing)
Whoo!
Well, naturally, Aunt Bee,
You don't expect me
to hold onto a deputy
that's the butt of all them
jokes, do you? Hmm!
That was a fine dinner.
Thank you, Aunt Bee.
Howdy, Barn.
Don't try and stop me, Andy.
I thought it over
and there ain't
nothing else I can do.
But, Barney
No, Andy, why should
you want a deputy sheriff
that ain't nothing but a joke.
Well, listen, Barn
No, Andy, this is it.
There's one cap, one badge
one revolver
one bullet
one gun belt.
Andy Taylor, if you
were any kind of a sheriff
you'd know that
unlawful assemblage
is nothing to be sneezed at.
But luckily for this town
we have a Deputy
Sheriff who knows his duty
and he does it
And without showing favoritism.
Well, Aunt Bee, I-I-I'd
Sheriff
Just because I'm old don't
mean I don't know my rights!
But
Now, don't you but
me no "buts", Sheriff.
74 or no, I can still disturb
the peace with the best of them.
Ain't that a fact, Deputy Fife?
Well, uh
Barney, as the
Mayor of this fair city,
I can only say I thank goodness
we got a deputy sheriff
who does his duty without fear
of offending people
in high places.
A man who sees
his duty, and does it.
A man who makes it possible
for all of us to sleep
peacefully and safely
in our beds at night.
( all cheering)
I'm turning myself
in, old buddy-buddy.
All right, all right. Let's
move it along here.
Come on. Close it up!
Close it up here!
Let's move it. Come on, ladies.
Let's get in there.
What do you say now? Come on!
Suck in that gut!
You get in there!
Yeah. That's it.
All right. Get in those
cells and stay there.
Now, let's have
some quiet!
Let's have some order!
This is a nice jail.
Let's keep it that way!
We'll see you, Otis.
So long, Andy.
You come back now.
Oh, I will.
Well, Barney, you
ought to feel pretty set up
having all those
folks come right out
and admit that you was
right and they was wrong.
I do, Andy.
Oh, not so much for
Barney Fife, the man
as for Barney Fife,
the law and order fella.
I say you're either a
guardian of the law or you ain't.
Yeah. I tell you the truth
I'm surprised you
didn't get to me, too.
Uh, well if you want
to get technical about it
Huh?
Well, you could be reprimanded
for being out of uniform.
I mean, no tie, collar open,
pants un-pressed,
not wearing a
revolver and gun belt,
sleeves rolled up, your shoes