8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e21 Episode Script

1
Bridget!
God, I am going to kill you!
- Mom.
- Talk to your father.
- Daddy, help me.
- Bride of Chucky's after Barbie.
My life is over and no one cares,
because why should they?
I'm just the middle child,
eternally ignored.
And save.
What's wrong, Kerry?
I have this video journal
to do for school
and Bridget taped over
my project. It's ruined.
- Bridget?
- OK.
I'm going to a party with Kyle
and bought pleather pants.
I wasn't sure if they
looked real, mirrors lie,
so I taped myself dancing from
behind to see what I look like
before asking for permission,
which is very thoughtful.
Cate?
Oh, come on, Paul.
I made breakfast.
And the kids.
Dad, I worked really hard
on this project, and now look.
I look hot in my hot new pants
In my hot new pants I'm dancing
around, looking really good
You want me
I look hot
In my pants
Look at me go
I'm dancin' ♪
Oh, God, I'm so at that party.
I shouldn't have seen that.
I'm the father.
Dad!
OK, sweetie, I don't
know what to do.
Can't you just, you know,
tape whatever it was again?
Sure. I'll ask God if he can make
that meteor shower again.
It's only visible every 60 years,
but maybe he'll
make an exception,
you know, for Bridget's butt.
So, we're good?
In the cabinet under my sink.
No, not that!
Don't you understand?
My project is due
in less than one week
and all I've got so far
is Bridget's butt.
Why don't you do your video on
Bridget? You've
already got the end.
That's why you're the dad.
- My main man, Rory.
- Can I get a monkey?
I am not having
the monkey conversation again.
- But Dad
- They do not pay for themselves.
Paul, I disagree.
OK, but you'll have
to take care of it.
No, no, about Bridget being
in Kerry's video.
But that I was just joking.
Yeah, right, "the end." Come on.
Hilarious.
I thought I told you
to shovel the walk.
A couple guys
are doing it for me.
- Can I have cocoa?
- They're doing it for cocoa?
Oh, yeah, I should
get them some, too.
My God, a glimpse
into Bridget world!
She would be the perfect subject
for my video.
Thank you, Daddy.
Your idea is inspired.
- You're welcome.
- I thought you were joking.
I was serious. Cate, you
don't get me at all, do you?
I don't want to do that.
Since you ruined
your sister's video,
you're gonna make
up by helping her.
Paul, a minute for rebuttal?
Cate, come here.
Come here.
Yeah, this is much better.
They'll never hear us over here.
Did you hear what Kerry said?
I inspired her.
I inspired the uninspirable.
Honey, you teamed up
Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote.
Yes, they're
sisters and they love
each other, but in
small increments.
Perhaps my little
pebble of inspiration
can cause a ripple effect
into the pond
Oh, for the love of God.
Be my guest. Go on.
Kids, after a long discussion,
your mother and I
have reached an agreement.
- I live with Dad.
- I live with Mom.
I'll have my own
apartment. You can
visit. Call first,
please don't show up.
As Bridget's punishment,
she will be in Kerry's video.
Fine. Whatever.
Make her the
center of attention.
That'll teach her.
It's great. I'm gonna do my video
on what life is like for Bridget.
How the beautiful people
have it so much easier.
It's time someone
exposed the hypocrisy.
Right. Persecute
the beautiful. What
is it, the Crusades
all over again?
That's not what the
Crusades were about.
- Oh. What am I thinking of?
- Cocoa.
Oh, yeah, cocoa.
I got you, I got you.
You're cornered. Ha!
- Two hundred more points.
- Oh, Paul, it's just a game.
Don't worry, Mom.
I'm 5,000 points ahead.
Ten thousand.
Twenty thousand.
Dad, we need to use the TV.
Game over. We'll call it a tie.
God, this project is so great.
I'm so gonna get an A.
I love you, Daddy.
"I love you, Dad."
Did you hear that?
Apparently, the
pebble has landed.
Sit back while ripples ensue.
So, let's see this masterpiece.
It's nowhere near finished.
Promise you'll
tell me if it sucks.
Or if I look bad.
Never mind. Just watch.
In this looks-conscious society,
there's only one minority
that suffers no discrimination:
The beautiful.
Although only two percent
of the population,
they occupy 50
percent of my bedroom.
Sounds like we have
another writer in the family.
Yippee.
Her 58 minute shower finished,
leaving only 30 seconds of
hot water for the rest of us,
Bridget begins the search
for today's outfit.
Hate it.
Hate it.
Mom gave it to me.
Sad blouse.
Hate it.
- Hate it.
- A 58 minute shower?
Bridget, do you have any idea
what our water bill is?
You have to pay
for water? I thought
you get it free when
you buy the house.
Makeup comprises the longest
portion of Bridget's preparation.
Look at all that stuff.
Bridget, do you even have a face?
Bridget works hard
for her good grades.
Hi, Bridget. Here's that
biology homework you wanted.
Oh, Henry, you're such a doll.
Everyone, isn't he a doll?
OK, OK, five.
Every time he does
my homework, I give
him one more digit
to my phone number.
Bridget's biology class
is studying cell variations.
Even Bridget seems interested.
Bridget also uses
her wit and charm
when dealing with
our city's finest.
Officer, I know I
missed that red light
but I've got these
new blue contacts.
I'm a total Kabuki face in the
winter. In summer
my skin is tawny
and not like
that fake tan stuff Amanda uses.
One of my blue contacts slipped
before I got to the intersection,
so even though it
was a red light for
everybody else,
for me it was not.
Drive safely, miss.
Kerry, how come in every scene
you show me using my looks
to get people to do stuff for me?
Daddy, make her stop!
Well, you know, Bridge
Anybody who sees this
is gonna think I'm shallow.
Anybody who sees this
is going to think I'm shallow!
Oh, my God.
You all think I'm shallow.
Well, we're not looking at
our shoes for scuff marks.
Rory!
I'm sorry. I should
go upstairs and
take a long, hard
look at myself.
In the mirror.
And see what my butt looks like
when I'm dancing!
- Oh, God, I feel terrible.
- Ooh!
A range of emotion
I haven't captured, Bridget.
- Do it again.
- Oh, God, I feel terrible.
Thank you, Daddy.
Bridgie, oh, honey.
Paul, you tossed a bad idea
into the pond.
No, Cate, wait a second.
Kerry held up a mirror,
which reflects, much like a pond.
And if Bridget learned
from something she saw,
she should seize this
moment and change.
I don't want to be shallow.
Really, I want to be deep.
As deep as those tubs
of ice cream at the parlor,
when they're scraping
it off the bottom,
their armpits
pressed on the side,
and you're going, "My God,
are you gonna give me that?"
Honey, you know Listen.
If you want to be that deep,
just remember those tubs of ice
cream don't empty themselves.
Somebody has to be
working that scooper,
taking them out
one scoop at a time.
Except in the case
of banana splits.
Then it's three
scoops at a time.
- And usually
- Paul, your daughter is crying.
Bridget, you have
plenty of depth.
It's just that
somewhere along the
line, your interests
kind of narrowed.
You used to be so involved
in the drama club,
and chorus and sports.
Remember, I begged you
not to quit the tennis team?
Now I wish I hadn't.
It's not too late
to take it up again.
In fact, tomorrow,
why don't we go to
the courts and hit
the ball around?
- Shake the cobwebs.
- I don't know.
Let me inspire you.
Some people scoop the ice cream.
And some people just watch
the ice cream being scooped.
OK, I'll try.
Off of that?
- Hey, Rory, how was tennis?
- Boring.
Daddy broke my nose!
Oh, my God!
Oh, yeah.
Daddy broke my nose.
Daddy broke my nose!
I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm sorry.
The doctor said
it's not even really broken.
It's just more of
a hairline fracture.
They set her nose in the hall.
I got the whole thing.
The light was streaming through
the bars. It was so awesome.
It's never gonna
heal. I'm a monster.
You are not a monster.
Hello, Clarice.
Oh, my poor baby.
What did you do?
He broke my nose!
Well, how exactly
did this happen?
Let's go to the video.
In an attempt to be more
of a well-rounded person,
Bridget exhibits
her athletic skills.
Looks like we're gonna
have to wait for a court.
No, no, it's not a problem.
Hey, guys. Hi.
Hey, come here.
How long have you been waiting
for this court?
A couple hours.
Can I have it?
- Yeah.
- OK.
See? Everything was perfect.
The lighting,
the composition, the angle.
And I was looking so Kournikova.
Can you fast-forward to the part
where you disfigured my baby?
Disfigured?
Honey, I don't know
what happened.
We were just having
a friendly game,
lobbing the ball back and forth.
Here it is.
That's right. Come here.
Uh-huh.
Got it!
Wait a minute.
OK, Kurosawa said,
"The true artist must
never look away."
Whoa!
Mom, my life is over.
No one will ever love me.
I'm gonna die alone like Kerry.
What?
Whoa!
I am not an animal.
Shut up.
- Rory, are you about done?
- Just about.
I am a human being.
- Peace! Peace!
- All right, all right.
- Rory, go get ready for school.
- See? She is an animal.
How are you doing, Beach?
Do you want some French toast?
- No.
- Waffles?
- No.
- A car?
OK.
Morning, Mom. Morning, Dad.
- Morning, Marcia.
- Stop filming me.
- Put the camera down.
- Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
- Kerry!
- I can't.
This second act twist will make
my project so much better.
"Beauty Then the Beast."
You can film somebody else. I'm
not going to
school till I'm better
and don't look like someone
who sits at your lunch table.
Bridget's mask may hide her face,
but not her pain.
- Poor Beach. She seems so
- Sad?
Yeah. So
We can let her stay home a
couple days. What's the harm?
Paul And I say this
from a loving place
I hate the loving place. I'm
always wrong in the loving place.
What message do
you think you're sending
Bridget if you let
her stay home?
Her father loves her
more than her mother.
You're sending the message
that all Bridget has
to offer the world are her looks.
- That the effect you wanted?
- That's ridiculous.
Bridget has a lot
of wonderful qualities.
It might be nice
if she heard that.
Hey, girls.
Bridget?
I need to talk to
you for a second.
OK, but I'll warn you,
it's kind of muffled.
Oh, my God.
I'm not going to school, Dad.
Honey, you know deep down nobody
is gonna care what you look like.
What high school did you go to?
You saw Kerry's video.
I'm shallow and get by on
my looks. I can't go to school.
A broken nose is
not a good reason
to miss school, to avoid life.
Bridget, you know,
beauty is only skin deep.
So what if some of the kids
make fun of you?
But I'm not use
to it, like Kerry.
I have footage of
you in that mask.
I don't care.
- On the toilet.
- Oh, my!
Kerry!
- Privacy, please.
- That's what she said.
You know something? You seem
to be enjoying this too much.
- So?
- So, have a little compassion.
Look for Bridget's
good qualities.
- Dad, my video's due in a week.
- Kerry!
- Compassion.
- OK.
Bridge, get ready
for school now.
Do I have to?
Sweetheart, nobody said
this is gonna be easy,
but I know you can do this.
You know, of all my kids,
you've always been the bravest,
ever since you were babies.
- I was?
- Oh, yeah.
We'd take you
guys to the park and
Kerry would play in the sandbox,
but you would want
to climb the jungle gym.
I would watch you,
scared to death,
and you'd scramble past kids
twice your age
till you were standing
alone at the top.
"Look at me, look at me!"
Then I'd tell the
boys to stop singing
that song about
London and France.
I'm gonna need
a really short skirt.
Atta girl.
How short?
I can't. I can't. Go, go.
Do it. Bridget, you
have to face them.
You want to see them laugh
to get it on tape.
I thought I did, OK?
Maybe a part of me always will.
But right now I
just want to be here
for my sister. You
can do this, Bridgie.
- Promise?
- Promise. Come here.
OK.
And action!
Hey, Dad, are you ready
for some extreme tennis?
- That's not funny, Rory.
- It's a little funny.
No, it's not.
She's home. Oh, please, God.
Oh, my God, Daddy. I had the
best day ever. You were so right.
Really? See, what did I tell you?
I'm so happy!
It's in the cabinet
under your mother's sink.
Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot. The
whole premise to
my film is ruined.
Look what you've done.
Come here. Watch.
- Bridget?
- What happened to you?
Some stupid tennis accident.
I know, I know.
"Hello, Clarice."
They come in the
worst colors. Hi!
I missed you, I missed you,
but you missed me more.
Everyone was so
nice to me and all
the guys wanted to sign my face.
Brandon bought
me a cupcake, but I
didn't want to get
frosting on my mask,
so he exchanged
it for some pudding.
Here you go, Bridget.
Oh, thanks, Brandon.
You're so sweet.
I'm gonna like you forever
as just a friend.
Cool shirt. Can I have it?
- Homework.
- Thanks, Henry.
Three.
Hi, guys. Come on, let's go.
For we mere mortals,
tomorrow is just another day,
but for the Bridget Hennessys
of the world,
tomorrow always brings
more free pudding.
- That was such a good movie.
- You know, it really was.
- Thanks to
- Kerry.
- And who's her father?
- Why? What have you heard?
Let's just go find her.
Come on.
Oh.
- Wow, Care Bear. Great job.
- Honey, it was terrific.
Oh, Daddy, if it weren't for you
I never would
have learned that
- Yeah? that beauty
isn't only skin deep.
Somehow I'm hot no matter what.
I'm brave and hot.
Kerry, that should be the name
of your video, Brave Hot.
Thank you, thank you, thank you
and thank you.
You want to know what I learned?
How to zoom?
Some of those shots
No matter what
she does Bridget will
always be treated
better than anybody,
and people like me
will always be ignored.
So that's what it meant. 'Cause
I gotta tell you, I got lost.
You know why Bridget's
treated that way?
Because she's fearless
and she puts herself out there.
Oh yeah? I put myself out there
with this Bridget video.
- I didn't get anything.
- What are you talking about?
- You made a movie.
- A great movie, sweetie.
It was, it was personal,
and you created
something that was
heartfelt and
moved the audience.
You took my great idea
and you ran with it.
No, Dad. What I did
was make her an even bigger star.
- Yeah, that's Bridget's sister.
- See?
Hey. Cool video.
If you want to talk
to the star she's
over there, center of attention.
No, I wanted to talk to you.
I really like some
of those zoom shots.
Well, honey, I just wanted to
show you the thing of this spot
over there by the wall.
- The what?
- Yeah. Come on.
So, who are your
favorite directors?
Well, there's Spike Jonze
Do you have the time? Do you
want to go someplace and talk?
- What do you know?
- Yeah.
Two happy girls at the same time.
- What are the odds?
- Isn't it great?
Look at Bridget over there,
talking to that guy.
Laughing with that guy!
Leaving with that guy. Who's
that guy? Hey! Get back here!
Bridget? Bridget?
Here in my hot new pants
Don't you want me? You want me
- In my hot new pants.
- Rory!
What?
Just get out of your
sisters' bedroom.
What's the matter with you?
These are my hot new pants
You know you like it
You like it hot
You like it new
You like my hot new
Paul!
Yeah, just picking
up the camera, honey.