My Three Sons (1960) s01e21 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
Man, it's amazing.
Last week, $31 worth of junk.
And look at it now.
You know, with a larger control unit
and an acoustic suspension unit, we'd really have hi-fi.
It's sure been a drag trying to keep
this whole operation a secret from Jean.
I'm glad we can use your basement.
Nobody will ever think of looking for us here.
(sirens wailing over TV)
MAN (over TV): Keep the crowd back.
Get the search lights on the window.
Stand by with your riot guns.
Clancy, give me that loudspeaker.
Mike's never going to get his homework done.
Jean, would you turn that down just a little.
Mrs. Hotchkiss is on the warpath again.
And she says if we don't hold down on the racket over here,
she's going to phone the police.
(on loudspeaker): We've got you surrounded, Charlie.
The jig's up.
Throw out your gun.
CHARLIE: You're going to have to come and get me, copper.
(door opening)
Well, Mike, it's about time.
Shh. It's the movie.
WOMAN: Charlie.
CHARLIE: Roberta.
Why did you come back?
Oh, Charlie, the whole neighborhood is surrounded.
The police department means business this time.
Oh, Charlie, give yourself up while there's still
(over loudspeaker): Time's up, Charlie.
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie, I'm frightened,
CHARLIE: Steady, kid.
I've been in tighter spots than this.
(over loudspeaker): What's your answer, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Here's my answer, copper.
(gunfire)
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie, was that necessary?
(machine gun fire)
(Roberta screaming)
(gunfire and screaming continue)
Charlie!
(Charlie coughing and moaning)
ROBERTA: Charlie, speak to me.
(Charlie groaning)
CHARLIE (grunting): They got me, my darling
I wonder why Mike's so late?
Shh, shh.
Oh, Charlie.
(sobbing): Oh, Charlie
there was so much good in you.
(music swells)
For an additional $6.50 we could
have added a rumble suppressor
and completely eliminated turntable noise.
You know, it's a wonder that Jean
hasn't found out about this.
Oh, she knows something's amiss.
Yeah, I've been dodging her like mad.
What's the matter with this thing?
This is what comes from working under too much pressure.
Well, it would have been easy
if I could have told somebody.
It's impossible to keep a secret at my house.
Jean practically lives there.
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie.
Oh, Charlie, does it hurt very much?
(Charlie coughing)
Yeah, it does, Roberta.
But what is my hurt compared to yours, baby?
I wonder where Mike can be?
I'm sorry you ever got mixed up with a loser.
He's working at the market.
ROBERTA: To me, Charlie, you
will always be a winner, in a way.
(music swells)
Look, Tim, it's my present for my girl for her birthday.
Now will you relax?
I just don't like surprises, Mike.
Well, it's not for you it's for Jean.
She's already started asking me questions.
What am I going to tell her?
Tell her anything just use your imagination.
I don't have one. I'm a technician.
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie!
CHARLIE (grunting): Oh, Roberta
(coughs)
ROBERTA: High-stepping
girls, snazzy roadsters, cocktails
(Charlie coughing)
I haven't seen Mike for three days.
Well, he was over to your house last night.
No, he wasn't.
I haven't seen Mike since last Sunday.
Well, that's funny.
He says he's been working with Tim Weede
but I think he's found another girl.
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie, why'd you have to go turn bad?
Oh, Charlie, I would have surrendered with you
if you'd only
CHARLIE: But Roberta, you've committed no crime.
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie, my only crime was loving you.
(music swells)
No, no, no, no, the woofer has to go on the right
and the tweeter goes right here.
See, the 300 cycle speaker
baffles are designed to balance
300 cycles, 3,000 cycles, I don't know
It's relatively simple.
Now, listen, according to Ohm's law, electric
(yawning): Oh, Tim, let's not go
through Ohm's law again tonight.
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie
Oh, Charlie, what happened to the clean-cut,
right-thinking boy I used to know?
Where the heck could Mike be?
Why wouldn't you listen to me, Charlie?
(Charlie groaning)
I'm worried, Bub, really worried.
Oh, Charlie, I'm so afraid. Kiss me.
(kissing sounds)
What a bunch of junk.
Shh.
If you'd only listened to me.
Oh, Charlie why, Charlie?
Oh, why?!
Why? Why?! Why?!
(sobbing): Why?!
What are you doing here?
He isn't back yet.
Yeah, well, you better get back to bed
before Bub catches on.
I wonder what he'll say when he
finds out what he's been doing?
How do you know what he's been doing?
I don't.
But whatever he's been doing,
he's been doing it for a week.
Yeah.
I haven't seen him all day.
He didn't eat his breakfast,
and he hardly even touched his dinner.
I bet he's in some kind of trouble.
Who's in some kind of trouble?
Nobody.
Well, you're going to be in some kind of trouble
if you don't get back to bed right now.
Okay, we're going, Bub.
Darn popcorn the more you eat, the drier you get.
I wonder what he'll say
when he finds out what he's been doing?
Maybe he'll chain him up.
Do you think he would? Sure.
For how long? Who knows?
Maybe forever.
ROBERTA: Oh, Charlie.
(Charlie coughing)
Charlie, hush.
(Charlie gurgling)
Charlie Oh, Charlie!
Charlie?
Charlie?!
(sobbing): Oh, Charlie!
If you'd only had proper guidance.
Good-bye, Charlie.
ANNOUNCER: Good-bye, Charlie.
Another fabulous big hit movie presented by (click)
How long will Mr. Douglas be in Denver?
He's flying home tomorrow night.
Why?
I just want to talk to him.
About Mike?
I see.
Good night, Bub.
Good night, Jean.
JEAN (whispering): Mike.
Mike.
Mike. Are you out of gas?
No, I'm just trying not to wake up the whole neighborhood.
Where were you tonight?
We were going to study, remember?
(loud crashing)
Did you hear that?
Yeah.
I left the screen door open for Tramp.
Let's go see.
You see what you made me do.
You woke the kids up.
I woke 'em up?
You seem awfully upset, Mike.
Are you in trouble?
Well, I am now.
Are you guys down here again?
No, we were just going to
Oh, come on, we might as well tell him.
He'll find out sooner or later anyway.
Promise you won't get sore?
I'm no promising anything.
Now what's the deal?
We heard him coming in.
You tend to your own business and get to bed.
Well, I'm tired of it.
He's been sneaking off every night.
Only for a week.
A week?
He's got himself a new girlfriend.
Well, that's just dandy.
What about Jean?
Jean?
He never cared about her.
And she doesn't like him either.
Are you kidding?
He's been running through her flower beds at night.
I think she's afraid of him.
And he stole her best shoe and buried it in the backyard.
I can't stand out here all night.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Mike?
Look, Jean, I'm tired.
Dog tired.
(yawning): I'll see you tomorrow.
Aw, this just doesn't make sense.
It's disgraceful.
Positively disgraceful.
CHIP: Are you going to tell Dad?
None of your business.
Now you two hit the sack. Get to bed. Okay, Bub.
Up at this hour of the night.
Come on, the two of you.
Better try the front door.
Good night.
Night.
Jeepers, Bub, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Now, now, don't worry, Chip.
We'll work this out some way.
Now, you get up to bed, go on.
What's got into him anyhow?
Darned kid.
Acting like some kind of wild animal.
Hey, Mike Bub. Bub.
I know he's in some kind of trouble.
Is there anything I can do?
Now, Jean, you just go to bed and leave everything to me.
The boys told me what he did to your good shoe.
And I'm sure sorry.
Did you see him?
Bub just chased him around the front of the house.
Oh, boy. He's in for it now.
Oh, I see you hiding there in the bushes.
Come out of there.
Mike, come on out of there now. The jig's up.
(laughing): Oh, it's you, is it?
Well, come on. Anyhow, you come on.
Come on in. Come on, Tramp.
Attaboy.
Where do you think he's been going
these past few nights?
Robbie says he's got a new girlfriend.
I knew it. I just knew it.
Oh, I caught you, huh?
Sneaking into bed with all your clothes on.
The jig's up Michael Francis.
Huh?
How can you treat Jean like that?
Trampling on her flower bed,
stealing her shoes and burying 'em in the backyard.
How can you treat a nice young girl like that?
Now, don't tell me you haven't had proper guidance!
Oh, for crying out loud.
Friday is Jean's birthday, Bub.
Tim Weede and I have
Hey, now wait a minute!
You gotta promise to keep this a secret.
Oh, no! Oh, no, you don't.
Just until Friday!
Well
Good. Like I said, it's her birthday.
And Tim Weede and I have been building a hi-fi.
Hey, Robbie, there he goes again.
Where?
Over there.
Aw, heck, he's gone.
But he just got home.
That's the way he is.
He comes home just long enough to eat,
and then he sneaks off again.
Same thing last summer. For three weeks!
Why, I had no idea.
Well, what do you expect of a stupid mutt?
Robbie!
Oh, did you get that resistor thing?
Yeah, I got good news for you.
I traded the old chassis for a Slade woofer!
Hey! Hi.
Who's "Woofer"? Thanks for waiting, Mike.
Oh, that's okay. We just got here.
Who's Woofer?
It's just a guy.
Yeah.
Woofer. That's an odd name.
Woofer what?
Woofer, uh (mouthing)
Uh, Slade. Woofer Slade.
Woofer Slade?
He's not from around here, is he?
(starter chugging)
Oh, darn it!
Oh, it's probably just the carburetor float, huh, Mike?
It's a very simple adjustment here.
Got a screwdriver there, Mike?
Yeah.
Tim, where is Woofer from?
Oh uh Ohms. Ohms.
Ville. Uh, Ville.
Ohmsville!
Ohmsville?
Ohmsville. Yeah.
It's a real live wire town downstate.
Oh, there's no place like Ohmsville. ♪
Huh, Tim?
TIM: Scoo-be-do.
Well, Jean, here you are.
What kind of a gang is it?
Oh, it's a pretty complicated unit.
Yeah, they, they operate on cycles.
Motorcycles?
Yeah. From a 100 to 300 cycles!
Good heavens!
It's a pretty hot set, all right.
They always got a rumble going.
I am the rumble suppressor.
But I thought Woofer was the head of the gang.
Oh no, Tim's the Mr. Fixit.
He's the real brain behind the set.
How on Earth did you ever get mixed up in all this?
I have always been interested in it.
But I thought, well, isn't it dangerous?
What if you get caught?
Mike! Mike, wait a minute!
Hi, Jean. (Gasps)
Have you seen Tramp?
No, I haven't.
Is your dad home yet?
No.
(hushed) Here, Tramp! Here, boy.
Here boy. (Whistles)
Come on.
Here, Tramp! Here, boy.
Here, boy. Come on!
(gasps)
Where were you this afternoon, Bub?
Shopping.
Well, there was a policeman at your house.
Yeah?
Mrs. Hotchkiss probably complained
about the TV being too loud.
Have you seen Mike?
Nope.
Well, what did he say last night when you talked to him?
Now, just don't ask so many questions, Jean.
You'll find out soon enough.
(car approaching)
(tires screech) Oh, Mike!
The heat's on, Jean. Can't talk to you now.
I'm not trying to pry,
but did you know the police were by this afternoon?
It's probably nothing, but The cops, huh?
They rounded up the whole mob.
Looks like we're the only ones left.
The two of us against the law.
Things might get messy.
Get out while you can.
Mike!
Mike, please, I have to talk to you!
STEVE: Oh, hi, Jean! Sorry I frightened you.
Did you think I was gonna run you over?
Oh, Mr. Douglas, I'm so glad it's you.
Glad to be home.
I was afraid you were the police.
Boy, am I starved.
I didn't get a chance to eat dinner
Mr. Douglas, wait a minute!
I have something to tell you.
The police?
Oh, boy, oh, boy, Tim, I gotta hand it to you.
Did you see the look on Jean's face when you said,
"The two of us against the law"?
With an imagination like yours,
you ought to write science fiction.
This has really been a refreshing discovery to me, Mike.
I wonder why it never showed up on my aptitude test.
Dad!
Hello, Mike.
Uh, hello, Mr. Douglas.
If you fellas are trying to hide that,
and I gather you are, you're
not doing a very good job of it.
Uh, how was Denver, Dad?
Fine.
Oh, Mike, it's beautiful. Where did you get it?
Well, actually, Tim and I
The-the truth of the matter is, Mr. Douglas,
the Pentagon has commissioned us to assemble
Tim!
Uh, Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
STEVE: Mike
JEAN: Mike, where did you get it?
MAN: Hi. (Gasps)
Oh, hello, Andy. What brings you here?
Official business.
I sure never thought I'd fine a delinquent in your family.
Oh, Mike
It's no wonder with nobody home.
Came by this afternoon, been calling all day.
If it hadn't been for me, he'd
have been locked up right now.
Oh, Officer, won't you please be
lenient? Now wait a minute, Jean.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
But it's his very first offense!
You tell Mrs. Barton that.
She's good and mad.
You ought to see the tunnel he dug under her fence
trying to get into her back yard.
Mike!
What are you looking at?
You know how particular she is
with that pedigreed poodle of hers.
If this happens again,
Tramp's gonna end up in the pound.
Tramp? Tramp?
Oh, for a minute there, I thought
I'm just too busy to act as a dogcatcher, even for friends.
I'm sorry it happened, Andy.
But I will say it's a relief
to know that Mike doesn't have to go to the pound.
JEAN: I don't understand all this.
STEVE: I don't either, Jeanie.
Mike, why don't you straighten Jeanie out, hmm?
And you can straighten me out later.
I'll put Tramp in the house
so he doesn't go gallivanting again.
ANDY: Pretty nice hi-fi.
Did you boys build it?
TIM: Yes, sir.
ANDY: How many cycles in the woofer?
TIM: 150 to 1,100 cycles.
Come on. In the house, you delinquent you.
Come on, Andy, I'll walk you back to your car.
Well, I'll see you kids later.
This your leash? Yeah, thanks.
I don't know what's going on in there,
but I think we're better out of it.
Well, what's this all about?
This was a mere subterfuge, Jean, to cover up
a highly secret activity.
Tim
You see, Mike and I, we're pretty deeply involved
Tim, thanks, buddy, but this
is no time for science fiction.
But what was all that talk about a gang?
Well, I, I can't tell you, Jean.
Why can't you tell me?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Well, don't you trust me?
Why do you have to be so darn curious?
Andy, we certainly appreciate your keeping an eye on Tramp.
Well, you know how Mrs. Barton
and that white poodle of hers.
You're just going to have to watch him closer.
Well, you've got my word for it.
We won't let him out of our sight.
All right, all right!
If you just have to know, it's a hi-fi set!
Tim and I built it!
It's a surprise for your darn birthday!
What?
Happy birthday.
We put in a genuine Slade woofer.
Runs from 150 to 1,100 cycles.
Cycles Slade woofer Woofer Slade
That wild set from Ohmsville.
Michael Douglas, what a terrible trick to play on me.
And I thought you'd grown up.
You and your, your childish game-playing have ruined
stereophonic sound for me forever!
Every time I hear "hi-fi,"
I'll remember what a fool you made of me!
Good-bye!
(soft music playing)
Mike May I have this dance?
Hi-fi sounds pretty good. Yeah, nice rich tone.
Well, you better tell 'em to keep it down
or you'll have me back out here.
I'll do it, Andy.
We sure don't want Mrs. Hotchkiss complaining again, do we?
No, we sure don't, Andy. (Chuckles)
If you don't mind,
I think I'll put the garage door down.
We don't want to annoy the neighbors.
Thanks, Dad. And now we can turn it up a little.
Yeah, but not too loud. It's getting late.
(barks)
(barks)
Tramp! Tramp!
Mike!
HOTCHKISS: Mr. O'Casey, would you
please turn your TV down?!
You're gonna get in trouble with Mrs. Barton!
Tramp!
Tramp! Tramp, come back here!
Tramp, you come here!
You're gonna wake up the whole neighborhood!
BUB: Hey, you guys, what's going on out here?!
(sirens approaching) Shut that thing off!
You'll wake up the whole neighborhood!