Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e21 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Morning, boys, how are you?
Well, hello, hello. Hi.
Kate, this is going to be
the smoothest ride to Hooterville you ever had.
You mean we aren't taking the Cannonball?
What took you so long, Kate?
I was finishing up my shopping list.
Kate, we've got a schedule to maintain.
Well, so have I Supper schedule.
Which do you want to maintain?
Chicken and dumplings?
And blueberry pie.
Oh, I got to get this thing fixed.
It keeps running fast all the time.
Charley, you were right.
That was a smooth ride,
like sailing on a pink cloud.
Well, thanks for the kind words, Kate.
You figure to get your shopping done
by the time we get this pink cloud turned around?
Well, I should say.
I can't wait to get aboard.
Hey, look.
It's that Bedloe fellow from the main line of the railroad.
Sure is, and that can mean only one thing trouble.
Come on.
Morning, Mr. Bedloe.
Oh, good morning, Mrs. Bradley.
Lovely morning, isn't it?
Uh, dandy.
What brings you to Hooterville, Mr. Bedloe?
Nothing wrong, I hope.
Wrong? What could be wrong?
Nothing could be more right.
Mr. Bedloe, I hate to say this,
but it sounds like you thought up another way
to scrap the Cannonball.
Scrap the Cannonball?
Why, I wouldn't think of scrapping
that lovely little train.
Oh, you really mean that?
Unequivocally, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, I'll admit in the past I've wanted to derail it,
junk it, melt it down for paperweights,
get rid of it any way that I could, but not anymore.
Those days are completely forgotten.
Sure enough? In my effort
to shut down this branch line,
I have suffered humiliation and embarrassment,
and my standing as vice president
of the C. & F.W. Railroad
has been in jeopardy time and again,
but those days are also forgotten.
Well, Mr. Bedloe, that's great news.
It sure is, but getting back to
what I asked you a while ago:
what brings you to Hooterville?
Oh, well, I'm meeting Mr. Phillip Waterhouse here.
He's a retired railroad tycoon.
His hobby is old trains.
He plays with them
in his thousand-acre backyard in California.
He plays with trains?
You mean that Precisely, Mrs. Bradley
I am selling him the Hooterville Cannonball.
Oh, no, Mr. Bedloe, you can't.
Oh, but I can, Mrs. Bradley.
Mr. Waterhouse is going to pay a small fortune for it.
Turns out that the Hooterville
Cannonball is an 1891 Rogers,
the last one of its kind left in the world.
And do you know who turned up this little fact?
You know what you are, Mr. Bedloe?
Yes, a heel, a fink, a no-good stinker, a dirty rat.
Take your pick.
I think "dirty rat" fits you best.
Mr. Bedloe, the people in this community
can't get along without the Cannonball
and you know that.
That's true, Mrs. Bradley, but this is progress,
something you've held up for years.
Why don't we talk about this
over a nice, hot meal at my place?
Oh, no, you don't, Mrs. Bradley.
You've tricked me for the last time.
That train is finished,
you're finished, everybody's finished.
Who is, uh, Mr. Bedloe?
Certainly not me.
I am Bedloe.
I'm Mr. Cassidy, Mr. Waterhouse's secretary.
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Waterhouse?
I am Homer Bedloe.
Mr. Waterhouse says "How do you do?"
Well, why are we wasting time?
I could be having my breakfast.
Yes, sir.
Now, let's see what's on your diet this morning, sir.
Probably nails.
Dried fig, sir.
I don't like that woman's looks.
Tell her to get about her business.
Tell her to get about her business.
Tell her to get about her business.
Hey Now, just a minute.
In Hooterville, we don't ricochet
our conversations off of one another.
We take direct aim at the person we're talking to.
Besides, anything that happens to the Cannonball
happens to be our business.
What are they yammering about?
Don't worry about them.
Don't worry about them.
Who's worried?! Who's worried?!
I am.
I think we could save some time
if Mr. Waterhouse would sign this purchase order right now.
Mr. Waterhouse does not buy pigs in pokes.
He'll sign the order when he's certain
that the engine is a genuine 1891 Rogers
and after he's had a trial run
to check the condition of the train.
Fine, fine, I'm sure that Mr. Waterhouse
will take into consideration that the train is old
and old trains, like old people,
are bound to be a little creaky.
Oh, no offense intended.
This'd be the one day
I got the Cannonball running smooth as silk.
Well, Charley,
you got to make a sow's ear out of a silk train.
Mr. Waterhouse is ready for the trial run.
Smoot, Pratt, we're taking her out on a trial run.
Well, Charley, I guess you'll be dropping me off
at the Shady Rest for the last time.
I reckon so, Kate.
I'll dust off the seat in the coach
for you and Mr. Waterhouse.
It's a good thing
Mr. Waterhouse has Mr. Bedloe along
to point out the features of the Cannonball.
Yeah, when it comes to trains,
it takes an experienced man like Mr. Bedloe
to know the score.
Kate, I don't want to see the Cannonball sold
any more than you do, but my pride's at stake.
I got her purring like a kitten.
Well, she'd better start spitting like a wildcat
or we're going to start eating like pigeons.
You're right, Kate.
I've got the seat all cleaned off for you, Mr. Waterhouse,
all set to get aboard.
Uh, Mr. Bedloe, I don't see why you feel it's necessary
to come along to point out the features
of this train to Mr. Waterhouse.
Features, what features?
Mr. Waterhouse has been a railroad man for 50 years.
Fifty-one.
I think Mr. Waterhouse is capable
of determining the condition of a train without your help.
But now, wait a minute
Mr. Waterhouse does not need a nursemaid.
Now, uh, you wait here till we get back.
I know more about trains
than he'll know if he lives to be a hundred.
Must we sit here?
It's the most comfortable seat in the car, sir.
The only one I can guarantee
the springs won't pop out.
What's the matter, sonny? You lost?
Kate Bradley's responsible for this.
Where is she? On the train.
She is? I'd better get aboard.
Mr. Waterhouse! She'll trick you!
Wait!
Halt! Wait a minute!
Stop the train!
Darn that blasted train!
What is that woman doing?
I'm tying myself down for the train ride.
You gentlemen better brace yourselves.
I never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life.
You never rode on such a ridiculous train
in all your life.
Can't say I didn't warn you.
This may put a crimp in Charley's pride,
but maybe it'll keep food on the table.
Well, how long are we going to wait?
You made a suggestion a few miles back
that, uh, Mr. Waterhouse thought was a good one.
Thank you, sir.
I thought it was a good one, too.
You said you would signal the engineer
to stop the train so, uh, Mr. Waterhouse
could see how the brakes work.
I sure did say that.
Well, what is the matter with that engineer?
Is he asleep?
Give him the signal again.
He got the signal the first time.
The brakes are on now.
We skid pretty smooth, don't we?
Those brakes will take a hold just like that,
as soon as we hit the upgrade across the creek.
Are you keeping a list of all these defects?
I certainly am, sir.
Do you hear what I hear?
What is it, Kate? Listen.
I think the Cannonball's
trying to tell us something.
By golly, Kate, you're right.
Trying to tell you what?
That another one of the wheels is out of whack.
You see, Charley heard it, too.
And by some miracle, he's managing to stop the train.
We're lucky she's pulling up lame
right at the Shady Rest.
Well, I declare!
What a fortunate coincidence.
You're such nice gentlemen,
I'm sorry you had to get hooked
on another one of Mr. Bedloe's sharp deals.
Nobody sharp deals Mr. Waterhouse.
Why, the condition of this train
has made him very happy.
"Happy"?
Mm-hmm. His greatest joy
is in repairing these antique locomotives.
And this one is certainly in need
of lots of repairs.
Uh Mr. Waterhouse will ride the cab
back to Hooterville to inspect the engine.
Oh, wait a minute!
Uh, uh Charley wouldn't
try to bring her back in the condition she's in.
It'd be too dangerous.
Wouldn't it, Floyd? Well
And it'd take two or three hours to even
get her where she could limp back.
Isn't that right, Floyd? Well
But you're welcome to wait at Shady Rest.
It's right up the hill from here.
It is about time for your nap, sir?
Phew, that was a close one.
I nearly lost him.
Now then, you and Charley
sneak off on your run to Pixley and back.
I've got to have time to pierce that man's meanness.
You'll need an elephant gun to get through that hide.
Hmm, I got a hunch about that old saying.
There are no bad millionaires,
just bad stomachs.
Uncle Joe, get up, the train's in.
Looks like Mom brought back a couple of guests.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
Uh, just five minutes more, Mom.
I promise to get to school on time.
Oh, stop kidding, Uncle Joe.
We have guests, honest.
Well, well!
Oh, yeah, well, there we are.
Now, we can't exactly make you feel at home,
but we can make you comfortable.
Do you expect me to stay in this-this
broken-down shack?
What is that again, mister?
Well, it isn't exactly a palace,
but, as they say, any port in a storm.
Just a minute, Kate.
We ain't so hard up you have to humble yourself.
Uncle Joe, please.
Don't just "Uncle Joe, please" me.
I ain't standing by and seeing you insulted
by a couple of cheap salesmen
with just one itty-bitty sample case between 'em.
This happens to be an attaché case.
I don't care if you're selling attachés
or electric guitars.
Just be sure your broken-down partner here
keeps a civil tongue in his head.
Tell him to shut up.
Please, gentlemen, if you would just step inside.
Uh, like she says, sir,
any port in a storm.
Just a minute, buddy.
I ain't heard you apologize
to the young lady. Uncle Joe,
do you realize you were talking
to Mr. Phillip Waterhouse and his secretary?
Kate, after all I've taught you
about spotting phonies.
Whoever heard of a man secretary?
Lots of millionaires have men secretaries.
Sure, million millionaire?
Mr. Waterhouse is here to buy the Cannonball.
It's an antique.
Let me handle it, Kate.
I'll get us a good price for the train.
No, no, no, we can't sell something we don't own.
Kate, we got a house full of antiques.
Millionaires don't just stand around window-shopping.
They buy. But we don't want to sell anything.
We just want to save the Cannonball.
Okay, okay, we'll save that till last.
Mr. Waterich.
That'll mean canceling a lot of reservations,
but I can let you have the whole second floor,
Mr. Waterich.
Mr. Waterhouse would like a room
where he can take a short nap and wash up.
Your wash is my command.
It's a little joke I thought you might enjoy.
Tell him we don't.
We don't.
After you get your 40 winks,
I'll show you our stock of antiques.
Um, I-I hope Mr. Waterhouse has a nice nap.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
Come on, Cassidy.
Uh, sir, I thought I would, uh,
stay down here for a moment
and, uh, go over these notes.
All right, but hurry.
Yeah, hurry it up.
Mr. Waterich hasn't got all day.
Waterhouse!
Why don't you take your notes into the dining room?
You won't be disturbed in there.
Oh, uh, uh, thank you.
I'll, uh, I'll be fine right here.
I'm gonna go set the table, Mom.
Uh, you're right, perhaps I'll have, uh,
more privacy in the dining room.
Uh, Billie Yes, Mom?
You're disturbing Mr. Cassidy.
I know, but isn't it exciting?
And he acts like a college man!
Betty Jo, you get the fixin' for the chicken and dumplings.
We gotta get goin' fast.
And now to get Mr. Cassidy out of the way,
so I can have a nice long chat
with Mr. Waterhouse when he wakes up.
Here you are. Now get goin'.
Hi! Hi. Hi.
Where you going?
Uh, to borrow a cup of sugar from a neighbor.
Could I, uh, walk along with you?
Well, I guess it'll be all right.
Hey, where are the girls headed
with that male secretary?
To borrow a cup of sugar from one of our neighbors.
Why, our closest neighbor's
five miles away.
He's gonna find that out.
Hey, Kate, what happened to those price tags
we had left over from the rummage sale?
I'm gonna make everything look like it's for sale.
I'll mark it, "Clearance, 40% off."
Uncle Joe, please settle down and listen to me.
Kate, this is no time for chitchat.
There's a rich man upstairs.
Don't you know what it means
to be this close to millions of dollars?
Maybe billions. He's rich!
Why, with all the genuine antiques we got around here,
he needs us worse than we need him.
Cassidy!
Coming, Mr. Waterich.
He wants Cassidy. Who's Cassidy?
His secretary! I'll go fetch him.
Kate, you can't keep millionaires waiting.
Cassidy!
Uncle Joe, uh, please find Mr. Cassidy.
Mr. Waterhouse wants him.
Well he just went Shh-shh!
Please hurry, Uncle Joe.
Mr. Waterhouse, the poor old thing,
is helpless without his secretary.
Helpless am I?
Well, you can just tell Cassidy
that I don't want to be disturbed!
It worked.
Now if I just have time to fix the chicken and dumplings,
I'll be able to tame that lion.
I never saw a lion
your chicken couldn't turn into a lamb.
Lion, chicken, lamb. Yeah.
That's pretty good, Betty Jo.
And I'm only a teenager.
Oh, but believe me, Mr. Travers,
nothing can keep this sale from going through.
Oh, they're out on a trial run now.
When they get back
No, no, Mr. Travers, there's nobody on the train with 'em,
except Kate Bradley.
Mr. Travers,
Kate Bradley's no match for Mr. Waterhouse.
The only way she can talk to him is through Cassidy.
Nothing can happen.
No, that's right.
Now, good-bye, Mr. Travers.
Oh, better get out there right way.
Where's my secretary Cassidy?
Oh, he went for a walk, Mr. Waterich.
House! Yeah, yeah, he went out of the house
for a walk. Well, what am I supposed to do
until he gets back?
Well, you like antiques.
Why don't you just browse around.
See if you can find yourself a few bargains.
You know how old this elevator is?
1822, figure it out.
1822, hmm.
Well, that's remarkable.
Remarkable's hardly the name for it.
The word is old, antique.
No, the word is "remarkable."
1822? Yeah.
Remarkable, ain't it? Yes.
Especially since the elevator wasn't invented
until 1852.
Which proves my point.
Eh, don't-don't sit on that.
It'll break into a thousand pieces.
Sure glad I wasn't sitting there
when the Indian arrow hit.
Remarkable, ain't it?
Who was that?
Oh, that's Phoebe my mynah bird.
Sometimes I keep her in the elevator.
Remarkable! Remarkable!
I need to get out of this madhouse!
Where's your phone?!
Phone?
Oh, I get it.
You're a sharp trader.
You know a bargain when you see one.
What are you talking about?!
Let's just lay our cards on the table.
You want the phone,
we'll make you a price. Hello?
Operator?
Operator?
Now let's stop playing games.
Now you know a phone that old wouldn't work.
It worked once though.
There was only five words spoken into it.
"Quick, Watson, I need you!"
Cassidy! Cassidy!
Can't you put a muzzle on that mynah bird?
Yeah, gladly, but it'd be muzzling the beak
of a 95 year-old mynah bird.
Cassidy! Cassidy!
Oh
Now you let me tell you something.
See, you're probably wondering
about the chipped edges on that tray.
Well, you know how it is
when careless Indians shake ashes
out of their peace pipes.
He hasn't got a chance.
Now I'm going to show you
what I really think of your antiques!
Well, of all things!
How dare you break that ashtray?
That's my personal property! It's all right, Kate.
Mr. Waterich was just having a little fun.
Well, he's going to have a little more fun
cleaning it up. What?!
You get down and clean up
every one of those pieces.
Kate, you can't talk that way to millionaires.
I can talk that way to a spoiled child,
and that's what he is.
Now, you listen to me.
Yeah, you better listen to him.
You shut up!
You bet I will.
Now you think you've been fooling me
with your cheap schemes to keep me
from buying that train!
You can't fool him, Kate.
He's brilliant.
Don't you think I know
why you sent Cassidy away?
So you could cry on my shoulder with some sad story.
He don't like sad stories.
Hey, did you ever hear the one Shut up!
Listen to me.
It's true, I schemed.
But I could've staked my life
that you had a spark of decency in you.
And that maybe somehow I could show you
how important that train was to us,
while, to you, it's just another toy.
But I guess I was mistaken in my judgment.
You ought to be ashamed.
My mother went to a lot of trouble making
chicken and dumplings for you.
Just so you'd listen to her side of the story.
Oh, I get it.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, huh?
Why that's the corniest trick of them all.
You're right.
I should've known you didn't have a heart
to get through your stomach to.
Well, that doesn't sound right,
but you know what I mean.
Of all the nerve!
Oh! And I'm going
to keep this up until you get Cassidy back here.
No, you're not! Take it easy, Kate.
Now you get on upstairs and go to your room!
Get in your room! Just a minute!
I'm an old man!
Until you promise to act like a grown up.
Give it to him, Mom.
Now, I'm going to lock you up there
till you promise to behave.
Who is it?
It's me, Kate Bradley.
Well, open that door and make it snappy.
So, you finally decided
it was safer to let me out, huh?
The only thing I decided was that
even a cranky, crotchety, old man can get hungry.
Eat.
I wouldn't eat your cooking if I was starving.
Now you eat everything
on that plate to the last morsel.
Or so help me, I'm going to turn you over my knee
and spank the daylights out of you.
And don't think I can't do it.
Well, you gonna stand there and watch me?
I don't think that'll be necessary.
When you finish eating, you'll find
the price of the plate marked on the bottom.
I should've known you'd be able to handle it.
But it could've saved me a 25-mile hike from Hooterville.
Tell him to shut up, I'm thinking.
Shut up, he's thinking.
I heard. I heard.
Does this mean we'll have to move?
We'll talk about it later, honey.
You know I've a good mind to give him back
that $50 he gave me for that stuff he broke.
Uncle Joe, did you take money from him?
If Mr. Waterhouse will sign these papers,
we can all go back on his train.
Mr. Waterhouse examined the train thoroughly.
The engine is an 1891 Rogers.
Yes, authentic in every detail.
But Mr. Waterhouse is looking for an 1890 Porter.
What? But you both
And tell that scoundrel, Bedloe,
I may have him arrested for fraud.
Good idea, sir. But Mr. Waterhouse, Mister
Tell him to shut up.
Shut up.
Well, we better get out of here
before he tries to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge.
Bye, Mrs. Bradley.
Good-bye, Mr. Waterhouse.
Tell the others good-bye.
Good-bye.
Did you hear that, Kate?
We're still in business.
How do you like that Bedloe?
Trying to skin that nice millionaire.
I've got to learn to have more confidence
in my first impressions.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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