The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e21 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
What happened then, Paw?
Then the ol' giant come in,
and he says, "Fi, fi, fo, fum."
He says, "I smell the
blood of an Englishman."
Hi, boys.
Oh, hi, Aunt Bee.
Oh, hi, Aunt Bee.
Are you finished?
Yes'm, we got done.
I'm just finishing
telling Opie a little tale here.
Giant says, "Fi, fi, fo, fum."
Says, "I smell the
blood of an Englishman."
He says, "Be he alive
or be he dead, I'll grind his
bones to eat with my pones."
The old giant's wife says,
"You don't smell nothing
but that possum you
brought in here yesterday."
The old giant, he says,
"You reckon possum
smells like an Englishman?"
And she says, "I reckon."
The ol' giant went on to sleep.
And that's when Jack grabbed
that golden harp and run for it.
And Jack clumb
down that bean tree
before the old giant
could get to him.
And when he got to the bottom,
he hit it a lick or
two with his ax,
and crash come
down the bean tree.
And the old giant
was stretched
across three counties.
Dead?
Thoroughly
and everlastingly expired.
Boy, tell me another one, Paw.
Tell you no more nothing.
You've got to go back
to school. Now march.
That was a fine dinner,
Aunt Bee. Outstanding.
Yeah, you keep
feeding us like that,
next thing you know,
they'll be calling me porky.
It's possible.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Come along, Opie. Yeah,
well, I'll keep you on, Aunt Bee.
Why, thank you,
Andy. Here, young'un.
Thanks, Paw. Bye!
Bye, Andy!
What are you doing?
Gun-drawing practice.
Ten minutes every day.
If I ever have to use this baby
I want to teach it to
come to papa in a hurry.
Now, watch this.
Say somebody just
sneaked in the back door
and he's told me to reach.
Now you say "reach."
Barney, I ain't got
time to play games.
I've got work to
do. Oh, come on!
Tell me to reach.
Just say reach.
Okay, reach.
Barney!
I'm sorry, Andy.
Barney, you promised.
OTIS: Hey
How about a little quiet
around here, fellas?
Barney, you promised me
when I gave you that bullet
you'd keep it in
your shirt pocket.
Now, why'd you take it out?
Well, I'm sorry, Andy.
Doggone it, that bullet was
turning green in my pocket.
I thought it'd keep
better in the gun.
Barney
And besides, I've already
lost two bullets in the laundry.
Barney, I just
tell you the truth.
I'm scared to give
you any more bullets.
You come very near
shooting yourself in the foot.
You know there ain't
exactly much of a call
for one-legged deputies.
It was an accident.
Aw, I guess you're right.
I guess I don't
deserve a bullet.
I guess all I deserve
is an empty gun.
No, wait a minute.
I-I-I'll give you
one more bullet.
But you have got to promise me
that you'll keep it
in your shirt pocket.
Now, do you promise?
Yeah, I promise.
And one other thing.
When you send that
shirt to the laundry, unload.
Another thing you did
You woke up our
one and only prisoner.
Here. File these, will you?
Yeah. Well, he sure went
back to sleep in a hurry.
Boy, that Otis sure
tied one on last night.
Some men just don't
know how to begin to drink.
Oh, he knows how
to begin, all right.
It's the quitting part
he ain't caught on to.
( phone ringing)
Hello?
Sheriff's office.
Sheriff Taylor speaking.
Oh, hello, Sergeant.
How are you?
Fine.
Well, sure, sure.
Glad to help you out.
What, what's the
prisoner's name?
Well, I'll be dogged.
Of course I've heard of him.
We'll be looking for you.
Bye.
Well, Barney
looks like Mayberry
jail's going to play host
to an outstanding law-breaker.
Yeah? Who?
Did you ever hear
of Dan Caldwell?
Da?
Dan Caldwell?
Gentleman Dan?
The forger? The swindler?
The confidence man?
Yeah, boy.
He's going to be right here
in our little bitty old jail.
No. You're just saying that.
No, sir. The state
police picked him up,
and they want to leave
him here for a day or two
till they can extradite
him to Atlanta.
Dan Caldwell
is-is coming here?
Aw, come on.
You're pulling my leg.
I am not.
They called me.
Dan Caldwell?
Dan Caldwell's coming here?
Look at this place.
It's a mess!
This cell is so drab, Andy.
Say, maybe we can
castle-mine the ceiling, huh?
Oh, I got some
summer drapes at home
we ain't using.
Andy, listen.
We could rent a floor waxer.
It'll only cost 50 cents.
( coughing)
Slow down, Barney.
You're busier than a
cow's tail in fly season.
Caldwell's just
another prisoner
A common criminal.
Aw, come on, Andy.
Give credit where credit's due.
Dan Caldwell's
been in just about
every name penitentiary
in the country.
He's an important man.
Now what are you doing?
I figure this
picture of the ocean
will make Mr. Caldwell
feel at home.
It'll remind him of Alcatraz.
All this fuss over a criminal?
He's a big man.
Let's face it.
Aw, we got to get rid of Otis.
What?!
Aw, come on.
We can't have a high-class
man like Dan Caldwell
in the next cell to
a common drunk.
Barney
Well, Otis has had
a good night's sleep.
Time he went home anyway.
All right, Otis, wake up.
Come on, Otis!
Get up!
Oh
I'm glad you're here, Deputy.
I have a robbery to report.
My blanket's been stolen.
Well, we ain't
got time for that.
You have to go.
Now go on, go on.
But my time isn't up.
It's up, it's up.
Now, go on. Go!
But I haven't had my breakfast.
We'll owe you one.
So long, Otis.
See you next week.
With these kind
of accommodations
I just might not come back.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Well, is everything in order
for our celebrated prisoner?
We haven't forgotten
anything, have we?
Uh
Andy
Yeah?
Maybe you ought
to put on a tie.
This place ain't been so clean
since the boiler busted
and flooded the place.
( siren wailing)
It's him! He's here!
It's Caldwell. How do I look?
Well, I think you
ought to have worn
striped britches and a cutaway.
Uh-huh.
( siren continues)
( siren continues)
( siren fading down)
Hiya, Sergeant.
Mornin', Andy.
How you doin'? Good trip?
Fine. Good.
Now, if you'll just
sign the papers
All right. Understand y'all had
a little rain up at the capital.
Our creek flooded
over last week.
Well, you better watch
that muddy water.
Well, he's all yours, Andy.
Oh, uh, Sergeant.
I'd like to tell you
that I thoroughly
enjoyed our brief acquaintance.
Here, have a cigar.
These are specially made
for me by a little man in Tampa.
Well, thank you, sir.
See you, Andy.
I'll see ya, Sergeant.
Well, Mr. Caldwell,
I'm, uh, Sheriff Taylor.
If you'll cooperate
no reason why we can't
make this a pleasant visit.
Andy? Hmm?
Oh, this is my
deputy, Barney Fife.
Sure is a pleasure to
make your acquaintance, sir.
All right, Barney.
Oh, pardon me.
Want to escort
Mr. Caldwell to his quarters?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, right this way, sir.
Excuse me.
Here you are.
Oh.
You know, I've
had the opportunity
to, uh, visit
many of our foremost
penal institutions,
and while this one
is not exactly large
I must say it has
a certain informal
charm of its own.
I certainly am glad
you like it, Mr. Caldwell.
That really does take
a load off of my mind.
Would you come out now, Deputy?
That room happens
to be a single.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me.
I, uh, sure have heard
a lot about you, Mr. Caldwell.
Oh?
Yeah. Uh
Would you mind giving
me your autograph?
Of course not.
Oh thanks.
It's, uh, it's not for me.
It, it's for a friend of mine.
Here you are.
Yeah.
Barney? Uh, yeah?
'Bout time for the
mail to come in.
You want to go down to
the post office to pick it up?
Oh, yeah.
Mr. Caldwell, I have to
go down to the post office.
Would you like me to get
you something while I'm out?
You just name it.
Well, I would like some
cigars, if it's not an imposition.
Oh, it's no trouble at all.
I'll be glad to do it.
Well, then you'll need
some money, Depu
Your money's no good
here. You're a guest.
You're awfully nice to me.
Well
You know, I'll always
think of this place
as my little house
away from the big house.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome, Barney.
What did you say?
I said, "You're welcome."
No-no, a-after that?
"You're welcome, Barney."
Yeah, "Barney."
He called me Barney.
He called me Barney.
Barney, Barney, Barney.
For days, Baby Face Nelson
carved this gun out of wood.
Finally, it was perfect.
When the guard opened
the door to his cell
I know! Baby Face made believe
it was a real gun and
captured the guard!
You're a smart little fellow.
What happened then?
He took the real
gun from the guard,
tied him up in the cell,
put on the guard's clothes
and marched into
the warden's office.
What happened then?
The warden was smart.
He stepped on the secret button,
and the alarm went off.
Gee, you were lucky to be there.
Sirens were screaming.
( imitating siren)
Search lights criss-crossing,
but was Baby Face scared?
No!
He jumped out the window
right into a laundry truck,
hit the driver on the head
and started to drive that truck
across the yard.
Bullets were flying.
Ping! Ping!
( imitating machine gun)
But Baby Face
held on to that wheel
and drove that truck right
through the main gate,
and that's how Baby
Face made his getaway.
I saw the whole thing
with my own eyes.
Boy, that was the best story
I ever heard in my whole life.
Do you know any better ones?
Tell you what, Opie.
You come back tomorrow
and I'll tell you the story
about John Dillinger.
Will you? Promise?
On my word as a gentleman.
Oh, you got here early, Opie.
Hi, Barney. Well, come along.
Got to get you some new shoes.
Oh, Aunt Bee, this is
Gentleman Dan Caldwell.
He's going to be staying
with us for a day or so.
He's a friend of mine.
Mr. Caldwell, this is Aunt Bee.
An unexpected pleasure.
How do you do?
Tell her about Baby Face Nelson.
Opie, I'm sure a woman
as cultured and refined
as your Aunt Bee
isn't interested in
that type of story.
Uh, Mr. Caldwell, Aunt Bee's
the one that feeds us around here.
Wait till you taste her cooking.
Her rhubarb pie won a
blue ribbon in the county fair.
Oh, Barney, please?
I'm sure Aunt Bee is capable
of culinary masterpieces,
but I don't deserve them.
What am I?
A misfit, a scoundrel,
a miserable wrongdoer,
and I must pay for my mistakes.
Oh, Mr. Caldwell,
everybody makes mistakes,
and you're brave and
honest to face them.
Well, thank you.
Come along, Opie.
Good-bye, Mr. Caldwell.
It's been really
nice meeting you.
Thank you again, and may I say
that I never met a
more charming lady.
Oh.
On my word as a gentleman.
AUNT BEE: Come on, Opie.
Oh, hi, Andy.
Hi, Paw. You
should hear the story
Uncle Dan told me
about the jail break.
Sure was exciting.
Uh-huh. Aunt Bee, you
going to get Opie them shoes?
Oh, yes, I guess I'd better.
Come, Opie.
Good-bye, Mr. Caldwell.
OPIE: Bye, Uncle Dan.
I'll drive you, Aunt Bee.
Bye, Uncle Dan.
Care for a cigar, Sheriff?
No, thanks.
I can't afford it.
You do real well for
yourself, don't you
Uncle Dan?
You win a few, lose a few.
Got quite a knack.
I mean, the way you
make friends so easy.
Oh, that's my business,
Sheriff, making friends.
Seem to have made quite
a few right here in Mayberry.
They're nice people, Sheriff.
I'd like to do
something for them.
Sure you wouldn't like for
'em to do something for you?
Never know.
You never know.
Certainly is a
fine-looking supper
you're fixing there
for Mr. Caldwell.
Hmm? Oh, yes.
Really does look good.
Well, I heard he was
leaving us tomorrow,
and, well, I thought
I'd fancy it up a bit.
Oh, you got all gussied
up, too, didn't you?
Well, I thought I'd visit
the Parsons a while later.
Uh-huh.
Well, what's wrong?
Oh, oh, nothing. Nothing.
Well, I always fix
the prisoners meals,
and they seem to appreciate it.
Yeah, and-and Gentleman
Dan's quite an appreciator, too.
Lady in Bowling Green, Kentucky
he appreciated
right out of $8,000.
Another lady in
Jacksonville, Florida.
Appreciated a lot of people.
Well, I have to hurry.
Good night, Opie.
Now, you get to bed, sure.
Well, Opie, I believe
we got us time
for a Jack tale before
you go to bed, okay?
Okay.
Let's see now
Hey, did-did I ever
tell you the one about
Jack and the princess
that couldn't laugh?
Well, there was this king
that lived a long time ago,
and he had this
daughter that was
as pretty as a picture,
but she never could smile.
And so, the king, he
Uh, don't you
don't you want to
hear that story, Opie?
Not 'specially, Paw.
Well, is there, uh,
is there another one
that you'd rather hear?
Yeah.
Which one?
Do you know the one about the
Kansas City Million-Dollar Heist
or the Toledo Payroll Caper?
Are they, uh, are they stories
that Mr. Caldwell's
been telling you?
Yeah. He sure tells exciting
ones, Paw, about real people.
Uh-huh.
Well, maybe you'd
better go on to bed.
Okay, Paw.
Opie
Yes, Paw?
Now-now, you go right to sleep.
Don't be sitting up
looking at picture
books, you hear?
I won't, Paw.
Promise?
On my word as a gentleman.
( elegant music playing)
Ready for our gin rummy
game, Mr. Caldwell?
Oh, Barney, of course, oh.
Let me turn this off.
I'm looking forward
to this game.
( chuckles)
It's going to be a
little inconvenient
playing through these bars.
Yeah. How can we fix that?
I haven't the vaguest idea.
Say, we could play
in your cell there.
I mean, if you promise not to
say anything about it to, uh
Oh, I wouldn't Well,
Andy's funny about it.
You know, I wouldn't want
him to, you know, anything
Barney. Barney On
my word as a gentleman.
Can't ask for more than that.
It's going to be
a lot more convenient
you know, playing in here.
Really is.
What the heck?
If friends can't play
a game of cards
You know, Barney,
I want to thank you
for all these little
conveniences.
Really made my stay
here quite pleasant.
Oh, it's been a pleasure.
Oh, this is better, isn't it?
You know, I never thought
I'd say this to
a police officer,
but I'm going to miss you.
Oh, well, thank you oops.
Careful, Barney.
Yeah.
There we go.
You know, Mr. Caldwell,
I want to warn you
you better be on your toes.
I'm pretty slick when
it comes to cards.
If you ever decide
to give up police work,
I have some friends in Vegas
who can always
use a good dealer.
Oh, yeah? Well,
I'll remember that.
( chuckles)
Hey, I could use that.
Eh
Oops, clumsy of me.
You know, I'm sorry to have
to tell you this, Mr. Caldwell,
but right off the bat
I'm afraid I got
the winning hand.
I'm afraid not, Barney.
This is the winning hand.
You gave me your word.
Oh, I give my
word a lot, Barney.
Over there.
Mr. Caldwell, why
What-what's going on here?
He's busting out.
You got a laundry truck
waiting outside, Uncle Dan?
I'm sorry to inconvenience
you, Aunt Bee,
but I'm afraid I'll have
to ask you and Opie
to step inside the cell.
Mr. Caldwell, you
can't be serious.
Dear lady, I'm afraid I am.
Well, the mighty
Sheriff of Mayberry.
OPIE: You got here just
in time for the fun, Paw.
Uncle Dan's gonna lock
us up and everything.
Where'd you, uh,
where'd you get that gun?
Your deputy obliged me, Sheriff.
Come on out here, Barney.
I want to keep an eye on you.
Is, um, is-is-is
that Barney's gun?
Don't worry.
I'll take good care of it.
That's Barney's gun?
Uh, Andy
Well, Mr. Caldwell, that
gun won't do you any good.
It won't?
No. It's no use
to you, because
Because, uh, you'll be
picked up by the state troopers
in just a few minutes.
Not if we all act quickly.
Now if you'll cooperate
by stepping into the cell,
I'd appreciate it.
It sure was slicker
than a firehouse pole
the way you took us
all in, Mr. Caldwell.
Sheriff
You're trying my
patience, Sheriff.
( cocks trigger)
Opie!
You wouldn't shoot my Paw.
Oh, don't worry, Opie.
Any other time he might,
but right now he won't.
And do you know why?
'Cause that gun
he's holding there
ain't got no bullets in it.
Sheriff, come on.
Well, pull the trigger.
BARNEY: No, Andy.
Don't. Don't. No
( clicking)
Well, Mr. Caldwell, I'll
just take Barney's gun.
Now, I ask you, Mr. Caldwell,
what good would a gun do you
that's as empty as this one?
( gunshot)
Barney!
You see, you didn't know,
but you thought that I
but I, see, I-I knew
all the time it was
( whimpering mutters)
You mean, you didn't in your?
You put it in the?
I better sit down, too.
Hmm. Here's one we won't
have to worry about no more.
Gentleman Dan Caldwell.
Yeah, boy.
Yeah, "swindler, embezzler,
confidence man,
can be dangerous."
I sure have to admit,
you was right about him.
I sure fell for his line.
Aww, I don't mind that so much.
He is a pretty smooth fella.
I tell you what I
do mind, though.
What's that?
That he was able to
take your gun off of you
without you even knowing it.
Well
You-you, a trained law officer
letting a common
crook take your gun.
Common crook, nothing!
You said yourself he
was a pretty smooth feller.
Do you think anybody
else but a shrewd character
like Gentleman Dan Caldwell
could get away with it?
Do you think anybody
else could be so quick
that when I just, just
lean over to pick up a card,
that he-he could steal my gun?
No, siree. I'll never
be a patsy again.
From now on I'll just
keep my hand right on my
Stick 'em up, Patsy.