8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e22 Episode Script

1
Hey, honey.
Do you suppose you could
slam the door a little louder?
Wow. Somebody's stressed out.
Oh, paying the bills.
Your time of the month.
I don't think we can take
our family vacation.
Our college funds aren't growing.
We make a good living.
Money shouldn't be such an issue.
It's an issue for
anyone who wants
to send their kids to college.
Even party schools
are 30 grand a year these days.
At this rate,
Bridget's gonna have
to go to a junior party school.
Oh, great, you're here.
Kids, Cate, I've got
some disappointing news.
We're gonna have to
do some belt tightening,
and I don't think that we can go
to the cabin at
the lake this year.
I said I don't think we can go to
the cabin at the lake this year.
- No, Dad.
- It's terrible.
Nuts.
Guys, you're really gonna have to
work on your fake disappointment.
Mom, Dad, Bridget
and I have an idea
on how we can save
money around here.
How? By talking
less on the phone?
Close. Going to Florida
for Spring Break!
How is that close?
If we're in Florida, we can't
be here talking on the phone.
Plus, it won't cost you anything.
We can get tickets
using frequent flyer miles.
Miles I earned by
talking on the phone.
And charging clothes
to my credit card.
And Mom's.
You know, girls,
even if money wasn't an issue,
Do you really think we would let
you go to Florida unsupervised?
But I visualized it!
You're not going.
End of discussion!
Easy. You don't have to
get all Great Santini on us.
Yeah. Great Santini.
Hey, who's Great Santini?
Man, no lake this year.
This was one of our last shots
at a family vacation.
In a couple years
the girls will be at college.
No, they won't.
We don't have any money.
Oh, God.
But you know,
they just gave me a good idea.
We could all go to
Florida and stay for
free at my parents'
house in Sarasota.
Vacation with your parents?
That's not how I visualized it!
But honey, you need a break.
I know. I'd love us
all to be together.
- I don't know.
- My parents won't be there.
They're going on a cruise.
Kids, good news.
We're going to Florida!
Well, here we are,
God's waiting room.
It smells like 1945 in here.
Everyone in this place
looks like they host 60 Minutes.
I'm gonna do a recon. Sometimes
Grandpa drops
money he can't pick up.
Look at all these photos.
There's a great one
of you and the kids.
Ted and your sister.
Ted and your sister.
Ooh! Your sister and Ted.
In front of Ted's bank.
It's a shrine to Ted.
Not one picture of me.
Well, look. Here's
one of all of us.
Honey, that's just my right eye.
Mom couldn't fit everyone in.
It was my birthday.
I was blowing out the candles.
It's all right. No hard feelings.
I'm here to have a good time.
Ooh, nice picture of Ted, though.
With our kids.
There's a chair in the shower.
What's that all about?
Kerry, let's go see the pool.
I'll go with you.
I'm gonna check out the babes.
My God, which ones are the men?
Cate, when was this photo taken?
Oh. College. Sophomore year.
Oh, right. We don't talk
about sophomore year.
When you broke up with me
to see other people.
- I changed my mind, didn't I?
- A little too late.
Called me up, put
the phone to the
stereo so I could
hear Baby Come Back.
I was in pain.
Good. A taste of
your own medicine.
Look, you want to talk
This is why we don't
talk about sophomore year.
I know. It's ridiculous.
We're on vacation.
We're gonna have a good time.
The kids are gone.
Your parents aren't here. What
do you say we relive junior year?
Oh, yeah, Maneater.
Look out, here I come.
Hang on.
Hello.
Uh, no, they're on a cruise.
Yeah, this is their son-in-law.
No, not the banker.
The other son-in-law.
Yes, they do.
Yes, they do!
Yes, they do!
Hey, Magnum.
Where's T. C?
I'm just gonna sit on the veranda
and read a book.
What have they got here?
Life Begins at 50.
Life Begins at 60.
Life Begins at 70 and
Cryogenics.
Kerry and I are
going to the beach.
OK.
But I expect you girls to carry
yourselves like Hennessy women.
If I find out that you were
anywhere near a party,
I'm gonna make you
take long walks with
your father while
he wears that shirt.
And I have matching shorts.
Eew. Kerry, come on. We're
missing the peak tanning hours.
I'm ready.
For what, beekeeping?
Do not tease your sister.
She has fair skin.
All right, go on.
Have fun, Bridget.
And you too, Casper.
- I'm off to the beach with Jake.
- Who's Jake?
- A friend I made at the pool.
- Wait a second, Rory.
We don't know this Jake.
We should meet
his parents first.
OK.
Jake, my folks would like
to meet your parents.
Got a Ouija board?
That's Jake. You're Jake?
Yes, sir, Jake Fisher,
apartment 14-H.
You've got a nice
polite boy here.
So, can I go? Jake's gonna
teach me about the ocean.
He was in the Pacific
during World War II.
Iwo Jima. Ring any bells?
Oh, well, I guess it's OK.
How can we say no to a member
of the Greatest Generation?
You're very kind.
And I must say,
it's a pleasure to
finally meet you.
I've heard so much about Paul,
the hugely successful son-in-law.
- See?
- You've read my column?
Column? I thought
you were a banker.
Can you believe that,
all those college kids drinking
and blocking traffic?
Paul, were you driving
with your arm out the window?
Yeah, why?
Oh, my God.
It was only for ten minutes.
Hey, Mom, Dad.
Did you dip your arm in paint?
- How was hanging out with Jake?
- Great.
Being old is cool. You get to
yell at people, park anywhere,
take your teeth out.
I can't wait.
I'm two different colors. I look
like one of Garth Brooks' shirts.
I'm Cameron Hughes
in downtown Sarasota,
where I'm surrounded by the
annual horde of spring breakers.
Cate, take a look at this.
It's pandemonium here.
This was the scene
an hour ago, when
we first arrived at Beach Balls,
a popular local bar.
The styles may have changed
but the behavior has not.
- How do local residents feel?
- Do you see that girl?
Oh, yeah. Talk
about "news flash."
Rory!
She can't even be
out of high school.
She's about the same age as
As a matter of
fact, she looks like
- a lot like
- Bridget!
You don't think
that's me, do you?
- Of course not.
- No.
- That is you!
- Definitely.
- That is not me.
- Yeah.
That girl has a
tattoo. Bridget doesn't
have a tattoo
that you know of.
Yeah. All right.
Yeah, you're right.
- Sorry.
- Sorry isn't good enough.
I'm hurt. How could
you think that we
could blatantly
disobey your orders?
What do we have to do
to earn your trust?
Start by blocking the TV.
For one month our peaceful
beach community is taken over
by unruly college students who
party literally around the clock.
- Bridget!
- It's a funny story, actually.
We were on the beach,
minding our own business
when this guy came over and
asked us to change a light bulb.
So we went over to his bar
and I got up on his shoulders,
then this news
crew came in and
Please stop.
So much for my
family vacation. I
don't even know
who my daughters are.
As you can see
by this archive footage,
college students have been going
wild in Sarasota for decades.
Girls, you can just
kiss Spring Break goodbye.
You are grounded. I have
never been more disappointed.
Look at that girl. Awesome.
That's not awesome, that's
Mom?!
That's what you meant by carrying
yourself like a Hennessy woman?
You were going to town
on that beer, Mom.
That was a long time ago.
And that makes it OK?
You are such a hypocrite.
Plus you say one thing
and do something else.
Oh, my God, you're a
- I know you're upset.
- A Bridget!
- Beekeeper!
- Cate!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, it was a long time ago.
I was in college.
I mean, you were
really chugging it.
Kids, that's enough. I want
you all to clean up for dinner.
You can show your
mother some respect.
Thank you, Paul.
More respect than
she shows herself.
- Oh, don't you start with me.
- Hang on a second.
College? We were dating
when you were in college.
- Yeah, well, not during
- Sophomore year.
I thought you stayed in and cried
the entire time.
Oh, come on.
Who really does that?
I did.
Well, you grieved your way
and I grieved mine.
All these years your family led
me to believe that
I destroyed you
and you were holed up
suffering for a month.
I was. They
didn't film that part.
Paul, what am I
gonna tell the girls?
Paul?
So while I was in my room
listening to The Best of Bread,
staring at that photo of us
at the medieval fair,
you were out doing
God knows what.
I think we have
bigger fish to fry.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I should be counting my blessings
that you didn't meet someone.
Oh, my God.
- Did you love him?
- It was one date.
My mom fixed me up.
He was a total nerd.
Nothing happened.
- I mean, his name was Byron.
- Byron?
So, did you love him?
Can we focus on
what's important here?
I have become an excuse
for the girls to behave badly.
How am I supposed to discipline
them without
sounding hypocritical?
So, where did Byron take you?
Girls, good. I wanted to talk to
you about what
happened yesterday.
Can it wait? We're going swimming
with our tops on.
Well, maybe.
Girls. Girls!
Paul, did you see the way
they just treated me?
Wow. It's almost as if
you exposed your breasts on TV
and then tried to
preach morality.
That milk was here
before we arrived.
I know. I like it chunky.
- Sir, does he belong to you?
- Rory. Officer, what happened?
We had a report of
water balloons being
thrown at young
women wearing t-shirts.
Rory Joseph Hennessy!
Actually, he was filling them up
for this guy.
- You?
- I was having flashbacks.
You'd think a
World War II veteran
would conduct himself
with more dignity.
Jake, not the World
War II story again?
Why won't you ever believe me?
I was on the beaches at Normandy,
me and Tom Hanks.
Why, just thinking about it, I
I better sit down.
Where's your shower?
I think you better leave.
If it wasn't for me,
you'd have said that in German.
Go to your room. Jake's
been a bad influence on you.
Dagnabbit!
Jake's harmless.
I've known him for years.
Are you OK, sir?
It's just that I'm in the middle
of the worst vacation ever.
I came down here
because I wanted one
last hurrah as head
of a happy family.
And what did I get?
Kicked in the teeth, pal.
- Kicked in the teeth.
- I meant your arm.
Paul, did you see
where I put my hat?
Cate, is that you?
Byron?
- Yeah.
- Byron?!
I hate Florida.
It is you.
Wow. Byron, you
really look different.
Really? Maybe I lost
a little muscle mass,
but you can't be a
bodybuilder forever.
Boy, don't I know that.
I tell you.
I've got a shoulder injury.
How much did you bench?
Seven-Adam-12, we have
a 9-2-2 in progress on Ocean.
Please respond.
Copy that.
We have an elderly woman
driving with her blinker on.
I'm gonna have to go.
Cate, it was really good
seeing you again.
- The nerd?
- He used to wear glasses.
Did you check out that policeman?
Attention all cars,
there's a hottie in progress.
Hallelujah.
All right.
Hands where I can see them.
Byron!
Sandy, how about a beer?
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey!
- Byron.
- Yeah. Yeah.
How funny that I went on a date
with your wife?
Hilarious.
Ooh, I guess that sort of adds
to the bad day you were having.
A little. It's not you.
It's just, you live
with somebody 20 years.
Do you really know them?
I don't know, maybe
Cate wishes she
married someone
more fun, successful,
- better-looking
- Thanks.
- I meant in general.
- Come on, what's wrong with you?
- We went on one date.
- How did it go?
- There was definitely chemistry.
- Chemistry.
She wore this miniskirt.
Whoo!
And after "Whoo!"?
Well, we had a nice dinner
and some drinks.
Then that song, Baby Come Back,
starts playing on the jukebox,
and she starts crying.
She starts talking about this
boyfriend she has in Michigan.
How cute he was,
how much she missed him and uhh!
Cute? Not handsome or rugged?
But I interrupted.
- You go ahead.
- That's it. End of story.
Took her home,
called it a night.
Never saw her again?
I saw her a couple nights later.
Terrific. Second date.
No. I had to arrest her
in a bar for flashing.
So, it was strictly
professional.
Oh, yeah.
I can't say that I'm sorry
your date turned out bad.
I'll tell you about a bad date.
December 7, 1941.
Me and Ben Affleck,
fighting side by side.
As luck would have it,
over the same girls.
What are you watching?
Murder, She Wrote.
Jake would have
wanted it that way.
Look, Rory, I know you enjoy
hanging out with Jake.
But your father and I just
want you to spend some time
with someone a
little more mature.
Come on, cheer up.
- Have some hard candy.
- Hard candy!
Girls, come in here.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be
at Senor Swanky's
for two-for-one
tequila slammers.
All right. Sit.
I think it's time
we had a little talk.
OK, look. It's true.
When I was a young woman
there were a few moments
where my behavior could have been
described as "spirited."
"Spirited?" You
flashed a news camera.
Fine. I was a little wild.
You're our mother.
But my behavior, no
matter how immature,
does not give you a free pass
to behave badly.
Yes, it does.
Look, you guys, I did some
stupid things that I regret.
Maybe you could just learn
from my regrets.
Or we could do them
and learn from our own regrets.
Does it really look like I'm
having a good time on that video?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
OK.
I'm gonna start over.
Do as I say, not
as I do, or you'll
never see daylight
again. You got it?
- Got it.
- Got it.
- But why did you act like that?
- I don't know.
Back then I was confused.
Maybe unhappy.
You know, when your father and I
broke up for that year
And if you ever tell him this,
so help me God
I was crushed.
And I was not gonna let any man
think he had the upper hand.
So you showed
your breasts in public!
Basically.
I wasn't being
honest with myself.
I'd changed.
I wasn't that party girl anymore.
And it was right about that time
that I realized I
missed your father.
- That I was in love with him.
- Barf.
In fact, it came to me that
night I went out with the cop.
You went out with Officer Biceps?
And you're our mother!
Just think, if you'd married him,
I'd be even hotter!
Yeah, that's how genetics works.
Oh, hey, everyone.
You have the
talk with the girls?
Yeah.
- I think I got through to them.
- Good.
Girls, your father
and I need a moment.
Don't mind us.
We're gonna talk
about mushy marriage stuff.
- I may kiss him.
- OK. goodbye.
Paul, honey, I'm
really sorry that
this vacation wasn't
all you hoped for.
You know, I went for a walk
and it came to me.
This was the best vacation ever.
I'm in Florida with my
whole family and best of all,
I get the girl in the end.
You went to a bar.
One. I had one.
I love you, Cate.
I love you, Byron.
- Did you just say that?
- You know me, I'm a wild girl!
Andy Rooney, you are right again.
- Hey, I was here first.
- Tough luck, gramps.
We're back here at Beach Balls
where the party rages on.
And, as you can
see, Spring Break
isn't just for college
kids anymore.
- Mom?
- Dad?