L.A. Law (1986) s01e22 Episode Script
Pigmalion
1
Previously on L.A.
Law.
Look, Stuart, I know that camping was not
your first choice for a vacation,
and I just want you to know how much I
appreciate your being so open.
Could you throw some toilet paper over here?
Yeah, where'd you pack it?
I didn't pack it, you did.
Ah, you did.
What am I supposed to do?
How about a leaf?
A leaf?
Any kind of doctor can treat the poison
sumac, or whatever it was.
Did you, uh, did you remember to bring the leaf specimen?
Next day, I go down to the pier.
The harbormaster tells me internal revenue
agents have seized the boat.
He left me a notice I owed $540,000 in taxes.
The IRS is saying you're using your boat to run drugs.
Drugs?
Your Honor, Ron Messer is being forced
into personal and financial ruin.
Unfortunately, Mr. Kuzak, there's been no
showing that the Levy was anything but proper.
As such, I'm not at Liberty to disturb it.
Some kid takes a pot shot at me, and all of a
sudden, I'm supposed to be the department's hard ass.
You have been pushing me and everyone else
away with the booze and the tranquilizers.
It's not you, Grace.
Mickey, be a pal, huh?
Get off my back.
I'm gonna go out, and when I come back, the pills better
be gone, the booze better be gone, or you better be gone.
I'm going away, Mickey.
As soon as I understand what I really
want, I promise you'll be the first one to know.
Uncle Willard's Animal Farm Come and visit
in his barn Meet Moo Cow, Pigs,
and Billy Goats See the ponies eat their
oats Hi, boys and girls.
Welcome to Uncle Willard's Animal Farm.
Good morning, Uncle Willard!
It's so dumb.
Oh.
Ma.
Ma.
Ma.
There.
There, you see, he's sleeping with that pig.
Arlene, are you sure you want to go through the agony
of a divorce over some little fling with a young assistant?
Not the assistant.
The pig.
I caught him in bed with the pig.
Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Are you saying that you caught Uncle
Willard in bed with a sow?
You don't believe me, do you?
She's got to go.
Three, four hundred pounds.
Fine, fine, I'll get another lawyer.
Calm down.
If you say you saw it, that's good enough
for me, but whatever he and the pig were
doing, the point is it's not central to your case.
My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion
with a barnyard animal and it's not central to my case?
Not in California.
Not under the no-fault statutes.
Short of alerting the ASPCAI, I don't know
what else we can do.
Well, we could expose him.
I mean, you could go to the press.
What I'd like to do, I'd like to try a
little quiet diplomacy.
With your permission, I'd like to get your husband's lawyer
on the phone and set up a meeting for later in the week.
And then if we come up against a brick wall, then we can
weigh in with the private investigators and the big cannons.
And doesn't that make better sense?
Well, I
I suppose so.
Great.
I'll, uh, let you know when it's set up.
Thank you.
You tell me.
Personally, I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
How's the poison sumac?
The end is in sight.
Touché.
Shulian Prenuptial.
What's this matter doing still pending?
Well, the bride-to-be's lawyer's been ducking me.
I can't even get the guy on the phone.
I thought we agreed this was a no-win situation and
you were gonna farm it out to Lester Friedman's firm.
Well, sure, and then they tell him,
they say, hey, since we did such a great
job with the prenup, why don't you let us
take a look at your corporate stuff and
the next thing you know, Shulian is theirs.
Arnold, these people are supposed to get married Saturday.
I know that, Douglas.
I'm going to take care of it.
Get off my back.
Messer versus Internal Revenue Service.
Yeah, the court handed down an interim ruling
that at least I get to see the surveillance reports.
Messer's out running around trying to find
his old crew members to testify that he
was not in Valparaiso picking up cargo, and also
that there were not certain individuals aboard his boat.
But right now, I feel like I'm shadowboxing.
Yeah, when the service hammers you, you stay hammered.
Well, I think that concludes.
I, uh, I have one announcement.
Later this afternoon, I'll be going.
I'm going into Cedars-Sinai for surgery.
Now, if you want to reach me for any
reason, please, leave word with Iris.
Leland?
What is it?
What's wrong with her?
We're adjourned.
Leland?
What's going on?
I'm going in for minor surgery.
It is nothing.
It's not nothing.
You're pale as a ghost.
It's obvious you're in pain.
Michael, please.
My health is no one's concern but my own.
Outside the family, maybe, but not inside.
Leland, you have a whole group of very frightened
people out there who deserve to know what's going on.
I'm going in for
hemorrhoidectomy.
I think you better sit down.
Oh, God, tell me.
Hemorrhoids.
You despicable rat.
Hemorrhoids.
Oh, I told you it was nothing.
Oh, what you told me and how you behaved
are two different things.
My God, Leland, I thought you were dying.
I'm sorry, but it's not the most glamorous
ailment I could have conjured up.
Well, being embarrassed is no excuse for
scaring me half to death.
No, it's not embarrassment, Iris.
What then?
Fear.
Of hemorrhoids?
No.
Oh, of surgery?
Old age?
Loss of dignity?
I mean, I'm scared, Iris.
I've never been in the hospital.
People die in hospitals.
Oh, Leland.
Oh, you'll be fine.
You'll see.
We'll get you a rubber donut to sit on,
and you'll be back in the office in a few days.
You'll mind the store, hmm?
Of course.
One thing, though.
What?
Mind your will.
And how common is postpartum psychosis, doctor?
It affects about one in a thousand women.
But since Mrs. Fernald had already
suffered a mild version after the birth of
her first child, she had a one in three
chance of getting hit with it again.
And it hits much, much harder the second time.
And what exactly is it?
After giving birth, the mother's body goes
through a series of profound changes.
And sometimes when these changes are particularly abrupt,
the woman can suffer from an acute hormonal imbalance.
And what are the symptoms of this imbalance?
Usually just anxiety and depression, maybe a loss of sleep.
In Mrs. Fernald's case, however, she became psychotic.
And did this psychosis impair my client's
ability to distinguish right from wrong?
In my opinion, Mrs. Fernald was delusional
at the time she killed her baby.
She had no idea what she was doing.
Thank you, Dr. Koenig.
Are you telling this court that she killed her
child because of a bout with the baby blues?
It was more than the baby blues, counselor.
It's a depression that becomes so acute,
it parallels schizophrenia.
Doctor, you're talking about a disease that the
National Psychiatrist Association refuses to even recognize.
It's recognized in England.
The fact that doctors in this country are
slow to acknowledge it doesn't mean it isn't real.
Don't you think it should at least be listed in the books
before we allow people to use it
as an excuse to commit murder?
Nothing further.
Mrs. Fernand, what was it you thought you
saw when you looked into the crib?
He was on fire.
Flames seemed to just engulf him.
Was the fire confined to your son, Mrs. Fernand?
At first.
Then it was like these fireballs were
shooting all around the room, surrounding me.
What did you do?
Well, for some reason, I kept thinking it was the
oxygen from Clinton's mouth that was feeding the fire.
So I picked up a pillow and I put it on his face.
And what happened then?
I held it there.
I pushed it down just as hard as I could
and I held it there.
Do you know for how long?
Until the fire went away.
Until it went away for good.
I have nothing further.
Mr. Caparose?
Ma'am, is it your testimony that you were
crazy when you killed your son?
I guess so.
But according to your doctor, he's a psychiatrist.
You're sane now, right?
Yes.
It was a temporary illness.
And on the morning of that fateful day,
you cleaned the house, drove your husband
to work, went to the bank, went shopping,
normal, everyday stuff, right?
Yes.
So what we have here is a sane,
rational person who suddenly takes time
out in the middle of the day to be crazy, kills the
kid, and resumes total sanity just in time for trial.
Objection.
Sustained.
That remark is stricken.
Mrs. Fernald, isn't it true that you
complained to your husband, your doctor,
and your neighbor, Phoebe Snell,
that the baby was keeping you up nights?
What is that supposed to mean?
And isn't it true that you told Mrs. Snell that
taking care of two kids was a real hardship?
You think I killed Clinton to cut down on my laundry?
You never wanted this baby in the first place, did you?
That is not true!
You were wearing an IUD at the time of conception.
You told your friends that this baby was an accident!
Objection, Your Honor, this is badgering
and it is totally irrelevant.
Your Honor, I'm just trying to show that you never
wanted this child, not before he was born and not after.
I love that boy with all my heart!
Sit down, Mrs. Ferdow.
He was my son, for God's sakes, my son!
I nursed him!
You killed him!
Objection!
I fed him, I bathed him, I saved him from
sleep every single night of his life!
What do you mean you hung me when you put
him to sleep with a pillow?
Stop it!
Objection, Your Honor!
Order!
He was my baby.
My little baby.
I loved him.
He was my little baby.
Gentlemen, I'm District Director Crutchfield.
I have to tell you, the IRS has a little
leg on its face this morning.
It seems as though It seems as though the DEA had
a boat named the Jack of Diamonds under surveillance.
By the time we got a hold of it,
the name had become the Jack of Hearts.
Bingo, your guy's boat.
Simple case of mistaken identity.
Simple as that, was it?
Your client certainly has our regrets over
any inconvenience this might have caused.
Things sometimes do go a bit awry.
So now what?
We void the assessment and release your client's boat.
The marshals at the dock will be alerted
that the levee has been lifted.
And all he has to do is show up, right?
All he has to do is show up.
Let's go.
Wait a minute.
You had us come to your office so that you
could tell us that you made a mistake?
Our policy is to conduct all business in our offices.
Your policy is to come on like a panzer division.
You have created a nation of furtive cheats.
That hasn't been my experience, sir.
Take a look at this case.
You go after an innocent man.
He has his whole life turned upside down.
And after the damage has been done,
after you find out that the whole thing is
your own foul up, you extend some
half-assed regrets for the inconvenience.
Well, this is not inconvenience.
This is a train wreck.
And this man can't even get his car fare
back for going to the courthouse, can he?
Mike, let's go.
We got what we came for.
Mike, come on.
Mr. Fernald, you were at your office on
the day your baby died.
Is that correct?
I got home, I guess it was 6.45.
And what happened at that time?
Gina met me at the door and she had this
strange expression.
And I asked her if she was okay.
And she said in this dead flat voice that
Clinton had been on fire, but she had saved him.
What did you do, Mr. Fernald?
I said, where is he?
And she led me into his room.
And the way he was just lying there in his crib, I knew.
Mr. Fernald, did you have any indication prior to
this that something might be wrong with your wife?
Well, from the time the baby was born,
she just wasn't herself.
She was very nervous all the time, and she cried a lot.
What, if anything, did you do about this?
I told her she ought to talk to her obstetrician.
He told her that what she was going through was very
normal and that she should just try and get more sleep.
And what happened after that?
Well, things seemed to get worse.
A few days before Clinton died, I came home
from work, and she was lying in bed sobbing.
She said she was in agony and that there
had to be someone who could help her, and I.
Well, she asked me if I thought she should
see a psychiatrist.
What did you say?
I said that with all the expenses from the baby and
without her paycheck anymore, we just couldn't afford it.
Thank you, sir.
I have nothing further.
Mr. Fernald, when the police arrived,
didn't you tell them, quote, my wife
killed our baby, get her out of here before I kill her?
Audibly please, for the record.
Yes.
You said that because you were
understandably angry at her, weren't you?
Because you wanted her punished for the
terrible thing that she'd done.
Maybe I felt that way then, but that was a long time ago.
The truth is, the only one I'm still blaming here is me.
Nothing, nothing further.
Why do you blame yourself, Mr. Fernald?
Because I didn't pay enough attention to
what she was going through.
If I let her see the psychiatrist like she
wanted to, they would have helped her.
Our baby would still be alive.
Forgive me, Gina.
I'm sorry.
At this point, we're pending trial.
Um, is there any word?
Yeah, Iris just called.
Leland's out of surgery.
How is he?
Oh, he's doing just fine.
In fact, they're about to wheel him back
to his room any time now.
Uh, did Gracie call?
No.
Arnie, excuse me.
Marshall Shulians left messages up and down my call list.
The call sheet.
The wedding's Saturday.
Can you break here, Douglas?
I got a lot on my plate, okay?
Nothing on that plate should be as
important as our million-dollar client.
Shulian, prenuptial.
Robertson versus Robertson.
Sabret versus Sabret.
This nutball is convinced that her
husband's having an affair with a pig.
So, I'm not just sitting on my hands.
Okay, Douglas?
I don't want to have to call Leland in the hospital
to say we're on the brink of losing a major client.
I will get it signed.
Believe me, tomorrow afternoon, no one gets
out of the office until the agreement is executed.
See that they don't.
Hi.
Um, not that I'm complaining or anything,
but, um, what was that all about?
I have very good news for my dermatologist.
No.
You mean you cured?
I'm not itching anymore.
I'm not contagious anymore.
And as of tomorrow, I'm not at a commission anymore.
You really think one day is going to make
that much of a deal?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, okay, okay, tomorrow.
Well, then, let's do it up right.
What do you say?
Okay.
Romantic dinner and a little dancing.
Mm-hmm.
Who knows where things might lead?
Who knows?
Ladies, gentlemen.
Our job as trial attorneys is to get you to identify with
our client so you can see and feel what she must have felt.
But there is nothing we could ever do or
say that will make you empathize or even
begin to comprehend what was going through Gina Fernald's
mind when she took the life of her three-month-old son.
In truth, the only thing I can really tell
you is the one thing that you have known
from the moment this trial began, that
this woman had to be very, very sick.
The taking of a life goes against every
decent human impulse, I know.
And particularly when that life is so tiny and so
helpless, it is easy and natural to want to assess blame.
But before the district attorney gets up
here and asks you to do exactly that,
I beg you to remember that this man,
the father of their little boy,
by his own testimony, does not condemn her.
Do you really think that he could love and
support the woman who took his only son if
he were not convinced that she was insane at the time?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
the man who knows her better than anyone
else in the whole world her husband
believes with all his heart that she was
acting outside herself that she was sick
and that she is a loving wife and a
devoted mother to their little girl and
even if we cannot get you to see this
tragedy through her eyes when you go back
to that jury room please, before you think
of destroying what is left of this family I beg you
to try and take a look at it through his thank you.
Postpartum psychosis you know what that is
folks that's a theory and for every doctor
the defense brought up here to say that
it's a real disease I called up one to say
it isn't and at best at the very best the
most we can say about this theory is the
question is still open but you know it's
not open people the suggestion that this
theory can be used to justify murder let's
close the door on that one real fast no
matter how bad her mood was she had to
know that what she was doing was not right
and you should be offended at what they've
tried to get you to do they've asked you
not only to embrace a diagnosis that the
majority of doctors refuse to to recognize
but also to use it to excuse the
cold-blooded killing of an innocent little
baby now I'm no doctor folks maybe this
postpartum thing is a condition maybe it
isn't if she breaks a few dishes okay if
she shouts an obscenity or two I can live
with it but when she takes a pillow and
she squeezes life out of a helpless infant.
Uh-uh give this thing any medical definition you
want but in layman's terms it's still murder we're.
In recess until tomorrow 9 a.m at which
time the jury will begin its deliberation.
I just have a few minor problems with the
agreement I've highlighted these specific areas in pink I.
Gotta tell you this is really sleazy
brining coming in with this two days
before the wedding thinking that you can
strong arm us into wholesale concessions
just for the sake of getting an agreement
signed are you imputing bad faith all I'm
doing is trying to protect my client
protect him from what from being exploited
are you going to let him talk that way to
me Marshall I think that was uncalled for
how did this happen to us Marshall I
thought we loved each other we trusted
each other everything was perfect until
you until you talked to him Kimberly honey
don't cry he talked you into this didn't
he I can't right now Just tell me it
wasn't you who thought you needed to
protect yourself from me Lawyers worry
about everything, Kimberly I'm not worried
Arnie So what do we need this paper for?
I mean, we already have the caterer lined
up Arnie And the orchestra and the flowers
I can't, not now You've got to My whole
family's here from Chicago I did it I got
her Arlene, no Well, now, I couldn't get
the vet's appointment until tomorrow But
he'll examine her and then prove
everything I've been saying Arlene,
you can't take that thing into my office
Well, he'll be looking for her at my place.
Marshall, what's going on here?
This is very classy Some great law firm you
hired, Marshall Marshall, where are you going?
Tell him This is the woman I'm going to be
with the rest of my life And I don't want
to spend any more time anticipating the
worst Oh, God Now, she will eat almost
anything, but she's allergic to wheat and
dairy Sit Good girl There Now,
I'm leaving I need to get my hair done
before the settlement meeting Arlene Oh,
don't worry about it She'll probably sleep
the rest of the afternoon Let me see if I
can get her to the phone Hold on, please
Michael Michael Ron Messer's been arrested What?
Yeah, the bank foreclosed on his boat and he, uh, he
punched out the repo man Mommy, when are we gonna go home?
Pretty soon, honey, pretty soon.
Anything?
Pistol out Oh, God Oh, God, it's been two
hours You said if they were gonna quit,
they'd do it fast We can't tell,
Gina I-I can't, I-I-I can't stand this.
Listen How-how much longer is this gonna take, huh?
I still think that they'll be back before
the day's out Mommy I don't wanna stay
here I'm hungry Elizabeth, please Just I gotta get
out of here I'm gonna go for a walk You can't Why?
They can come back any minute and you have
to be here Well, I-I'm-I'm trapped I
just-I gotta-Honey, can-can we just go
outside and stay on the steps?
Mommy, I wanna go home Elizabeth,
please I wanna go home now You-could you
just-just take her, please I just-Lizzie,
honey Please Please Honey, Lizzie,
come here Come here a minute That's enough
No, no, you stay I'll take her Come on.
They're going to convict me, I can tell
Gina, there's no use getting all worked up
about this You said it yourself The longer it takes
them to deliberate, the worse our chances are, right?
And you also said anything can happen Mommy
Maybe we could, uh Can we bargain for the manslaughter?
I mean, maybe we could just It's a little
late for that Mommy Well, I can't,
I can't, I can't just sit in here anymore
I've got to, uh Mommy What?
I want to go Stop it Gina, Gina,
that's enough Stop it, stop it Oh,
God It's okay, it's okay Gina For God's
sake, honey Take it easy Jury's back,
Mr. Sifuentes It's okay, it's okay, it's
okay Mommy didn't mean it, it's okay.
It's okay We should go.
Come on, let's go, come on All right It's
all right, it's all right, baby It's okay,
it's okay It's all right, it's all right
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
Take it easy.
Okay, you're all right.
All right.
This court is now in session.
All rise.
Be seated.
Will the defendant please rise?
In the matter of People v.
Gina Fernald, we, the jury, find the defendant
not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.
Since there's no indication that the
defendant currently suffers from any
mental defect or disease, this court makes no
recommendation for treatment or confinement.
The defendant is ordered to undergo
psychiatric evaluation, however,
after which I'll make a final ruling with
respect to disposition.
This court's adjourned.
How the hell does the bank expect me to come up with $7,900
on my boat if the government won't let me make a living?
Ron, I understand your frustration.
But what good does it do to punch the guy out?
Maybe none.
But I'll tell you something.
For the first time in this whole
nightmare, something makes sense to me.
You know, they finally nailed me for
something I really did.
Now, look, I got to get out of here.
I got things to pick up off the boat
before they auction it.
Look, I can probably get you out of here within the hour.
But you might do better to stay in here for the night.
I mean, you got enough problems without
having three or four felonies hanging over your head.
I'm not gonna hit anybody else.
Hell, I'm sorry I hit this guy.
He was just there.
Don't make me sit in jail any longer, Mr. Kuzak, okay?
Thank you.
So, you and Marilyn Feldman, could this be an item?
Could be.
We've had a couple of very nice, very normal, dinners.
What about you, Mr. Handelman?
It's complicated.
It's, um, two kids, two divorces,
four households, no privacy.
But, um, so far it's worth it.
That's good, Abby.
I'm happy for you.
Look, Victor, I have to tell you something
that happened to me a while ago.
What?
I knocked my son down.
In anger.
Um, I'd had a lousy day.
And his father brought him home late.
He wouldn't turn off the TV, he wouldn't
go to bed, and one word led to another,
and then he spit at me.
He's five years old.
Can you believe that?
I mean, where did he learn that?
Anyway, I guessed that he knew he'd gone way over the line
because he tried to run away, but I grabbed him by the arm.
And I smacked his bottom so hard that I
actually knocked him off his feet.
I appreciate what you're telling me, Abby.
Well, you didn't kill a baby.
All I am saying is that parents
occasionally smack their children.
Now, I'm not making excuses for it.
It's wrong.
And I would cut off my hand before I do it again.
But it happens to a lot of us under a lot
less stress than she was under.
Victor, 12 jurors found her innocent by
reason of temporary insanity.
And what you saw today, take it from a
parent, does not mean that they were wrong.
Where's Heather?
Where's Heather?
Where's my pig?
There he is.
That proves it.
I mean, that is all he cares about, that four-legged slut.
For God's sake, Arlene, I have two tapings this afternoon.
We're on to you, you sicko.
You know, I've told him all about it.
Oh, please, Arlene, don't embarrass yourself.
She's been under a doctor's care.
Are you going to sit there and deny that I
walked in on you in bed with that sow?
You went off your medication again, didn't you?
You're in love with her.
Now, come on, admit it.
I don't deny that I adore that little animal.
It's my business.
I raise them, I train them.
Even with the TV show and all the success it's
brought us, I'm still just an old son of a farmer.
You're a pig-loving pervert.
It's been especially hard on her.
You won't get away with this, you know.
I'll talk.
I'll tell the world about you.
Advise her.
If she goes anywhere with that story, we'll slap
a slander suit on her so fast her head will spin.
Well, don't just sit there.
Defend me.
Excuse me a minute.
You know the craziest thing?
I don't even blame you.
For your information, Marshal Shulian just called.
He's fired us.
Oh, God.
We'll just have to wait and see what the
aftershocks will be.
Um.
Uh, I'll, I'll, I'll call.
I'll, I'll apologize.
Don't go near the situation.
You've done quite enough already.
You ought to be committed.
Maybe you're not aware of the gravity of this situation.
That animal is worth over $30,000.
We have reason to believe that your client
is involved in a major theft.
If you are withholding information with
respect to that pig's whereabouts,
we are prepared to name you as an accessory.
The pig is here.
I'll have her brought out.
Whose payroll are you on?
Marlene.
That's it?
You are fired.
You know something?
You can keep your precious pig.
I hope you'll have years of happiness together.
My client would like to see his pig now.
Here.
There's my sweetheart.
There's my little girl.
I hope it was okay to lock her up in the janitor's closet.
Oh, oh, did you miss me?
Oh, yes, you did, my little girl.
Did you miss me?
Oh, yes, you did.
Now tell the truth.
Is she a doll or what?
Oh, oh.
That's it, huh?
Check.
Back of hearts.
I guess the new owners will name her something else.
Hell, if I named her something else, she'd still be mine.
You believe that?
Here.
What's this?
$7,900.
Your money.
My money?
I can't take charity.
I start that now, I just crack right up.
It's not charity.
You take it off the top of the award you're
gonna get from your lawsuit with the IRS.
Forget it.
That'll take years.
Look, Ron, I wanna tell you something about lawyers, okay?
We take on a case, we argue passionately
for whoever happens to be paying the bills.
Win, lose, or draw, we walk away.
Except every once in a while, you wanna
put your money where your mouth is.
Mr. Kuzak.
Look, this is important to me.
Now, if you want, we can draw up papers,
figure out a payment schedule,
but think of it as an investment.
If you wanted to make an investment,
you could do a hell of a lot better than this.
All right, don't think of it as an investment.
Take it for what it is.
Okay.
I will.
Don't call me Mr. Kuzak anymore, all right?
My name's Mike.
Okay, Mike.
So we'll go fishing sometime, huh?
Stuart, I want to say something.
What?
I don't know if I know how to say this.
What is it?
Stuart, do you know anything about humpback whales?
Humpback whales spend their entire lives searching the seas,
singing sad whale songs, looking for their one true mate.
The thought of that always used to make me cry.
I guess because I kind of felt like that.
The only thing is, I never thought I'd
find mine in this huge, huge sea.
You're crying, Ann?
Stuart, I'm so happy.
I never thought that I could love anyone
so much or be so happy in my whole life.
You know what today is?
It's our six-month anniversary.
Really?
Oh, Stuart, I didn't get you anything.
It's okay.
Open it up.
Oh, Stuart, it's beautiful.
Will you marry me?
Marry you?
Yes.
Okay, put it on.
Oh, Stuart, this is so exciting.
We'll have to set a date.
How about tonight?
Tonight?
Yeah, fly to Las Vegas.
Las Vegas?
Uh-huh.
Well, you said I got to pick the next vacation, right?
Oh, Stuart, come on, you can't just run off and do these.
You have to plan these things.
No, you don't.
You got to feel these things.
You love me.
God knows I love you.
I don't want to wait.
I want to do it.
I just don't want to give you a chance to
plan yourself out of it, you know?
Stuart, this is crazy.
Yeah, it must be crazy.
Come on.
Oh, boy.
You know, when your mommy gives
you a great big cold Hi, Candy, it's Arnie.
No message, just that I was thinking about you, and
if you're coming in the next half hour, give me a call.
I'm at work.
Maybe we'll have some dinner or something.
Bye-bye.
Anybody know what kind of a sound a cow makes?
Moo!
Moo!
Oh, hi, Rox.
Hi.
Are you okay?
Oh, sure, sure.
Great.
In one day, I've lost a million-dollar
client, plus the farmer's wife fired me,
plus I'm still a raw nerve ending over
Lucinda, and for the last half hour,
I've been thinking about suicide,
but other than that, fine.
Oh, Arnie.
Don't worry.
Windows don't open anyway.
Would it help to talk about it?
I was just going to go home, but if you want, I could stay.
Where's Leon tonight?
He's in Chicago in business.
Do you remember that night I came over to your house and
we had tomato soup and we snuggled up and we watched TV?
Yeah.
Well, how about it?
We could stop off at 7-Eleven, pick up a big box
of Graham crackers and maybe some ice cream.
I don't think so, Arnie.
Leon's supposed to call.
I don't think so.
You're right.
I guess that was kind of neurotic.
Not to mention, Fanny.
I should get going.
Are you going to be all right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I still got a load of paperwork I might as well finish up.
Have a good weekend.
Thanks, Rox.
You, too.
You know, when your mommy gives you a
great big cold frosty glass of milk,
well, that's where it comes from.
Oh, and delicious ice cream.
Good evening, wedding chapel.
I'm sorry, Reverend Sibley's performing a
wedding right now.
No, the Reverend can't.
You want to go to your hotel room, you have to come in.
Come on.
Come on, Sherry.
Come on.
Thank you.
Reverend Sibley will be with you any minute now.
You'll be in and out by midnight, I swear.
That's great.
Thanks.
Stuart.
Stuart.
You know, maybe this wasn't such a hot idea after all.
I mean, it didn't sound so bad in a Beverly Hills
restaurant with half a bottle of champagne inside me.
But here, I mean, look at this place.
It's not exactly the Bel Air Hotel.
Ann, you want to have a second ceremony at
the Bel Air Hotel?
Actually, what I was thinking,
what do we need a ceremony for anyway?
Because we love each other, and we want to
be committed to each other.
I don't need a piece of paper for that, Stuart.
A couple of laughs.
Ann.
Yes, Ann.
Our wedding ceremonies are recognized as official
in 50 states of the Union and the District of Columbia.
You really have to take that up with your
local artists, guys.
This has got to be something we both want to do.
If you don't want to do it It's
not that I don't want to do it, Stuart.
It's just, Stuart, this is terrifying.
By midnight, if I don't get out
of here first, I'm going to be Mrs.
Stuart Markowitz for the rest of my life.
That's pretty terrifying, huh?
Look, would you settle for 50 years with a
renewable option for another 25?
All right, but it's the rush.
This is supposed to be the most important
moment of our lives.
I want the ceremony to be beautiful and moving.
Something we'll always remember.
Mr. Moskowitz, ma'am?
It's, uh, Mark.
My good friends, we're here on this happy occasion to
unite this fine young people in a state of holy matrimony.
But before we do, I have just a few pieces
of advice for the happy couple.
In the words of the king, don't be cruel.
Now, he's stuck on you now, pretty lady,
but if you treat him like a hound dog,
it's return to sender.
And you?
You love her tender, you understand?
You bring that burning love home every
night to this good woman.
Well, as sure as a king had hits, you
find yourself all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.
Now, if you'll just take this lovely
lady's hand in your hand, Mr. Moskowitz.
One night with you.
It's what I live for Now I'm ready for All things
that We took a chance Made my dreams come true.
Always lived Very quiet life Well, I never did no wrong
Now I know Life without you Has been too lonely Too long.
So I see I figured I'd find you here.
Are you back for good?
Yes With me?
If you'll have me.
I haven't figured everything out yet
Except being away from you Wasn't the
answer I love you so much, Mickey I don't
ever want to be away from you again Okay?
I don't ever want to be away from you again.
Previously on L.A.
Law.
Look, Stuart, I know that camping was not
your first choice for a vacation,
and I just want you to know how much I
appreciate your being so open.
Could you throw some toilet paper over here?
Yeah, where'd you pack it?
I didn't pack it, you did.
Ah, you did.
What am I supposed to do?
How about a leaf?
A leaf?
Any kind of doctor can treat the poison
sumac, or whatever it was.
Did you, uh, did you remember to bring the leaf specimen?
Next day, I go down to the pier.
The harbormaster tells me internal revenue
agents have seized the boat.
He left me a notice I owed $540,000 in taxes.
The IRS is saying you're using your boat to run drugs.
Drugs?
Your Honor, Ron Messer is being forced
into personal and financial ruin.
Unfortunately, Mr. Kuzak, there's been no
showing that the Levy was anything but proper.
As such, I'm not at Liberty to disturb it.
Some kid takes a pot shot at me, and all of a
sudden, I'm supposed to be the department's hard ass.
You have been pushing me and everyone else
away with the booze and the tranquilizers.
It's not you, Grace.
Mickey, be a pal, huh?
Get off my back.
I'm gonna go out, and when I come back, the pills better
be gone, the booze better be gone, or you better be gone.
I'm going away, Mickey.
As soon as I understand what I really
want, I promise you'll be the first one to know.
Uncle Willard's Animal Farm Come and visit
in his barn Meet Moo Cow, Pigs,
and Billy Goats See the ponies eat their
oats Hi, boys and girls.
Welcome to Uncle Willard's Animal Farm.
Good morning, Uncle Willard!
It's so dumb.
Oh.
Ma.
Ma.
Ma.
There.
There, you see, he's sleeping with that pig.
Arlene, are you sure you want to go through the agony
of a divorce over some little fling with a young assistant?
Not the assistant.
The pig.
I caught him in bed with the pig.
Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Are you saying that you caught Uncle
Willard in bed with a sow?
You don't believe me, do you?
She's got to go.
Three, four hundred pounds.
Fine, fine, I'll get another lawyer.
Calm down.
If you say you saw it, that's good enough
for me, but whatever he and the pig were
doing, the point is it's not central to your case.
My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion
with a barnyard animal and it's not central to my case?
Not in California.
Not under the no-fault statutes.
Short of alerting the ASPCAI, I don't know
what else we can do.
Well, we could expose him.
I mean, you could go to the press.
What I'd like to do, I'd like to try a
little quiet diplomacy.
With your permission, I'd like to get your husband's lawyer
on the phone and set up a meeting for later in the week.
And then if we come up against a brick wall, then we can
weigh in with the private investigators and the big cannons.
And doesn't that make better sense?
Well, I
I suppose so.
Great.
I'll, uh, let you know when it's set up.
Thank you.
You tell me.
Personally, I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
I think it's a pigment of her imagination.
How's the poison sumac?
The end is in sight.
Touché.
Shulian Prenuptial.
What's this matter doing still pending?
Well, the bride-to-be's lawyer's been ducking me.
I can't even get the guy on the phone.
I thought we agreed this was a no-win situation and
you were gonna farm it out to Lester Friedman's firm.
Well, sure, and then they tell him,
they say, hey, since we did such a great
job with the prenup, why don't you let us
take a look at your corporate stuff and
the next thing you know, Shulian is theirs.
Arnold, these people are supposed to get married Saturday.
I know that, Douglas.
I'm going to take care of it.
Get off my back.
Messer versus Internal Revenue Service.
Yeah, the court handed down an interim ruling
that at least I get to see the surveillance reports.
Messer's out running around trying to find
his old crew members to testify that he
was not in Valparaiso picking up cargo, and also
that there were not certain individuals aboard his boat.
But right now, I feel like I'm shadowboxing.
Yeah, when the service hammers you, you stay hammered.
Well, I think that concludes.
I, uh, I have one announcement.
Later this afternoon, I'll be going.
I'm going into Cedars-Sinai for surgery.
Now, if you want to reach me for any
reason, please, leave word with Iris.
Leland?
What is it?
What's wrong with her?
We're adjourned.
Leland?
What's going on?
I'm going in for minor surgery.
It is nothing.
It's not nothing.
You're pale as a ghost.
It's obvious you're in pain.
Michael, please.
My health is no one's concern but my own.
Outside the family, maybe, but not inside.
Leland, you have a whole group of very frightened
people out there who deserve to know what's going on.
I'm going in for
hemorrhoidectomy.
I think you better sit down.
Oh, God, tell me.
Hemorrhoids.
You despicable rat.
Hemorrhoids.
Oh, I told you it was nothing.
Oh, what you told me and how you behaved
are two different things.
My God, Leland, I thought you were dying.
I'm sorry, but it's not the most glamorous
ailment I could have conjured up.
Well, being embarrassed is no excuse for
scaring me half to death.
No, it's not embarrassment, Iris.
What then?
Fear.
Of hemorrhoids?
No.
Oh, of surgery?
Old age?
Loss of dignity?
I mean, I'm scared, Iris.
I've never been in the hospital.
People die in hospitals.
Oh, Leland.
Oh, you'll be fine.
You'll see.
We'll get you a rubber donut to sit on,
and you'll be back in the office in a few days.
You'll mind the store, hmm?
Of course.
One thing, though.
What?
Mind your will.
And how common is postpartum psychosis, doctor?
It affects about one in a thousand women.
But since Mrs. Fernald had already
suffered a mild version after the birth of
her first child, she had a one in three
chance of getting hit with it again.
And it hits much, much harder the second time.
And what exactly is it?
After giving birth, the mother's body goes
through a series of profound changes.
And sometimes when these changes are particularly abrupt,
the woman can suffer from an acute hormonal imbalance.
And what are the symptoms of this imbalance?
Usually just anxiety and depression, maybe a loss of sleep.
In Mrs. Fernald's case, however, she became psychotic.
And did this psychosis impair my client's
ability to distinguish right from wrong?
In my opinion, Mrs. Fernald was delusional
at the time she killed her baby.
She had no idea what she was doing.
Thank you, Dr. Koenig.
Are you telling this court that she killed her
child because of a bout with the baby blues?
It was more than the baby blues, counselor.
It's a depression that becomes so acute,
it parallels schizophrenia.
Doctor, you're talking about a disease that the
National Psychiatrist Association refuses to even recognize.
It's recognized in England.
The fact that doctors in this country are
slow to acknowledge it doesn't mean it isn't real.
Don't you think it should at least be listed in the books
before we allow people to use it
as an excuse to commit murder?
Nothing further.
Mrs. Fernand, what was it you thought you
saw when you looked into the crib?
He was on fire.
Flames seemed to just engulf him.
Was the fire confined to your son, Mrs. Fernand?
At first.
Then it was like these fireballs were
shooting all around the room, surrounding me.
What did you do?
Well, for some reason, I kept thinking it was the
oxygen from Clinton's mouth that was feeding the fire.
So I picked up a pillow and I put it on his face.
And what happened then?
I held it there.
I pushed it down just as hard as I could
and I held it there.
Do you know for how long?
Until the fire went away.
Until it went away for good.
I have nothing further.
Mr. Caparose?
Ma'am, is it your testimony that you were
crazy when you killed your son?
I guess so.
But according to your doctor, he's a psychiatrist.
You're sane now, right?
Yes.
It was a temporary illness.
And on the morning of that fateful day,
you cleaned the house, drove your husband
to work, went to the bank, went shopping,
normal, everyday stuff, right?
Yes.
So what we have here is a sane,
rational person who suddenly takes time
out in the middle of the day to be crazy, kills the
kid, and resumes total sanity just in time for trial.
Objection.
Sustained.
That remark is stricken.
Mrs. Fernald, isn't it true that you
complained to your husband, your doctor,
and your neighbor, Phoebe Snell,
that the baby was keeping you up nights?
What is that supposed to mean?
And isn't it true that you told Mrs. Snell that
taking care of two kids was a real hardship?
You think I killed Clinton to cut down on my laundry?
You never wanted this baby in the first place, did you?
That is not true!
You were wearing an IUD at the time of conception.
You told your friends that this baby was an accident!
Objection, Your Honor, this is badgering
and it is totally irrelevant.
Your Honor, I'm just trying to show that you never
wanted this child, not before he was born and not after.
I love that boy with all my heart!
Sit down, Mrs. Ferdow.
He was my son, for God's sakes, my son!
I nursed him!
You killed him!
Objection!
I fed him, I bathed him, I saved him from
sleep every single night of his life!
What do you mean you hung me when you put
him to sleep with a pillow?
Stop it!
Objection, Your Honor!
Order!
He was my baby.
My little baby.
I loved him.
He was my little baby.
Gentlemen, I'm District Director Crutchfield.
I have to tell you, the IRS has a little
leg on its face this morning.
It seems as though It seems as though the DEA had
a boat named the Jack of Diamonds under surveillance.
By the time we got a hold of it,
the name had become the Jack of Hearts.
Bingo, your guy's boat.
Simple case of mistaken identity.
Simple as that, was it?
Your client certainly has our regrets over
any inconvenience this might have caused.
Things sometimes do go a bit awry.
So now what?
We void the assessment and release your client's boat.
The marshals at the dock will be alerted
that the levee has been lifted.
And all he has to do is show up, right?
All he has to do is show up.
Let's go.
Wait a minute.
You had us come to your office so that you
could tell us that you made a mistake?
Our policy is to conduct all business in our offices.
Your policy is to come on like a panzer division.
You have created a nation of furtive cheats.
That hasn't been my experience, sir.
Take a look at this case.
You go after an innocent man.
He has his whole life turned upside down.
And after the damage has been done,
after you find out that the whole thing is
your own foul up, you extend some
half-assed regrets for the inconvenience.
Well, this is not inconvenience.
This is a train wreck.
And this man can't even get his car fare
back for going to the courthouse, can he?
Mike, let's go.
We got what we came for.
Mike, come on.
Mr. Fernald, you were at your office on
the day your baby died.
Is that correct?
I got home, I guess it was 6.45.
And what happened at that time?
Gina met me at the door and she had this
strange expression.
And I asked her if she was okay.
And she said in this dead flat voice that
Clinton had been on fire, but she had saved him.
What did you do, Mr. Fernald?
I said, where is he?
And she led me into his room.
And the way he was just lying there in his crib, I knew.
Mr. Fernald, did you have any indication prior to
this that something might be wrong with your wife?
Well, from the time the baby was born,
she just wasn't herself.
She was very nervous all the time, and she cried a lot.
What, if anything, did you do about this?
I told her she ought to talk to her obstetrician.
He told her that what she was going through was very
normal and that she should just try and get more sleep.
And what happened after that?
Well, things seemed to get worse.
A few days before Clinton died, I came home
from work, and she was lying in bed sobbing.
She said she was in agony and that there
had to be someone who could help her, and I.
Well, she asked me if I thought she should
see a psychiatrist.
What did you say?
I said that with all the expenses from the baby and
without her paycheck anymore, we just couldn't afford it.
Thank you, sir.
I have nothing further.
Mr. Fernald, when the police arrived,
didn't you tell them, quote, my wife
killed our baby, get her out of here before I kill her?
Audibly please, for the record.
Yes.
You said that because you were
understandably angry at her, weren't you?
Because you wanted her punished for the
terrible thing that she'd done.
Maybe I felt that way then, but that was a long time ago.
The truth is, the only one I'm still blaming here is me.
Nothing, nothing further.
Why do you blame yourself, Mr. Fernald?
Because I didn't pay enough attention to
what she was going through.
If I let her see the psychiatrist like she
wanted to, they would have helped her.
Our baby would still be alive.
Forgive me, Gina.
I'm sorry.
At this point, we're pending trial.
Um, is there any word?
Yeah, Iris just called.
Leland's out of surgery.
How is he?
Oh, he's doing just fine.
In fact, they're about to wheel him back
to his room any time now.
Uh, did Gracie call?
No.
Arnie, excuse me.
Marshall Shulians left messages up and down my call list.
The call sheet.
The wedding's Saturday.
Can you break here, Douglas?
I got a lot on my plate, okay?
Nothing on that plate should be as
important as our million-dollar client.
Shulian, prenuptial.
Robertson versus Robertson.
Sabret versus Sabret.
This nutball is convinced that her
husband's having an affair with a pig.
So, I'm not just sitting on my hands.
Okay, Douglas?
I don't want to have to call Leland in the hospital
to say we're on the brink of losing a major client.
I will get it signed.
Believe me, tomorrow afternoon, no one gets
out of the office until the agreement is executed.
See that they don't.
Hi.
Um, not that I'm complaining or anything,
but, um, what was that all about?
I have very good news for my dermatologist.
No.
You mean you cured?
I'm not itching anymore.
I'm not contagious anymore.
And as of tomorrow, I'm not at a commission anymore.
You really think one day is going to make
that much of a deal?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, okay, okay, tomorrow.
Well, then, let's do it up right.
What do you say?
Okay.
Romantic dinner and a little dancing.
Mm-hmm.
Who knows where things might lead?
Who knows?
Ladies, gentlemen.
Our job as trial attorneys is to get you to identify with
our client so you can see and feel what she must have felt.
But there is nothing we could ever do or
say that will make you empathize or even
begin to comprehend what was going through Gina Fernald's
mind when she took the life of her three-month-old son.
In truth, the only thing I can really tell
you is the one thing that you have known
from the moment this trial began, that
this woman had to be very, very sick.
The taking of a life goes against every
decent human impulse, I know.
And particularly when that life is so tiny and so
helpless, it is easy and natural to want to assess blame.
But before the district attorney gets up
here and asks you to do exactly that,
I beg you to remember that this man,
the father of their little boy,
by his own testimony, does not condemn her.
Do you really think that he could love and
support the woman who took his only son if
he were not convinced that she was insane at the time?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
the man who knows her better than anyone
else in the whole world her husband
believes with all his heart that she was
acting outside herself that she was sick
and that she is a loving wife and a
devoted mother to their little girl and
even if we cannot get you to see this
tragedy through her eyes when you go back
to that jury room please, before you think
of destroying what is left of this family I beg you
to try and take a look at it through his thank you.
Postpartum psychosis you know what that is
folks that's a theory and for every doctor
the defense brought up here to say that
it's a real disease I called up one to say
it isn't and at best at the very best the
most we can say about this theory is the
question is still open but you know it's
not open people the suggestion that this
theory can be used to justify murder let's
close the door on that one real fast no
matter how bad her mood was she had to
know that what she was doing was not right
and you should be offended at what they've
tried to get you to do they've asked you
not only to embrace a diagnosis that the
majority of doctors refuse to to recognize
but also to use it to excuse the
cold-blooded killing of an innocent little
baby now I'm no doctor folks maybe this
postpartum thing is a condition maybe it
isn't if she breaks a few dishes okay if
she shouts an obscenity or two I can live
with it but when she takes a pillow and
she squeezes life out of a helpless infant.
Uh-uh give this thing any medical definition you
want but in layman's terms it's still murder we're.
In recess until tomorrow 9 a.m at which
time the jury will begin its deliberation.
I just have a few minor problems with the
agreement I've highlighted these specific areas in pink I.
Gotta tell you this is really sleazy
brining coming in with this two days
before the wedding thinking that you can
strong arm us into wholesale concessions
just for the sake of getting an agreement
signed are you imputing bad faith all I'm
doing is trying to protect my client
protect him from what from being exploited
are you going to let him talk that way to
me Marshall I think that was uncalled for
how did this happen to us Marshall I
thought we loved each other we trusted
each other everything was perfect until
you until you talked to him Kimberly honey
don't cry he talked you into this didn't
he I can't right now Just tell me it
wasn't you who thought you needed to
protect yourself from me Lawyers worry
about everything, Kimberly I'm not worried
Arnie So what do we need this paper for?
I mean, we already have the caterer lined
up Arnie And the orchestra and the flowers
I can't, not now You've got to My whole
family's here from Chicago I did it I got
her Arlene, no Well, now, I couldn't get
the vet's appointment until tomorrow But
he'll examine her and then prove
everything I've been saying Arlene,
you can't take that thing into my office
Well, he'll be looking for her at my place.
Marshall, what's going on here?
This is very classy Some great law firm you
hired, Marshall Marshall, where are you going?
Tell him This is the woman I'm going to be
with the rest of my life And I don't want
to spend any more time anticipating the
worst Oh, God Now, she will eat almost
anything, but she's allergic to wheat and
dairy Sit Good girl There Now,
I'm leaving I need to get my hair done
before the settlement meeting Arlene Oh,
don't worry about it She'll probably sleep
the rest of the afternoon Let me see if I
can get her to the phone Hold on, please
Michael Michael Ron Messer's been arrested What?
Yeah, the bank foreclosed on his boat and he, uh, he
punched out the repo man Mommy, when are we gonna go home?
Pretty soon, honey, pretty soon.
Anything?
Pistol out Oh, God Oh, God, it's been two
hours You said if they were gonna quit,
they'd do it fast We can't tell,
Gina I-I can't, I-I-I can't stand this.
Listen How-how much longer is this gonna take, huh?
I still think that they'll be back before
the day's out Mommy I don't wanna stay
here I'm hungry Elizabeth, please Just I gotta get
out of here I'm gonna go for a walk You can't Why?
They can come back any minute and you have
to be here Well, I-I'm-I'm trapped I
just-I gotta-Honey, can-can we just go
outside and stay on the steps?
Mommy, I wanna go home Elizabeth,
please I wanna go home now You-could you
just-just take her, please I just-Lizzie,
honey Please Please Honey, Lizzie,
come here Come here a minute That's enough
No, no, you stay I'll take her Come on.
They're going to convict me, I can tell
Gina, there's no use getting all worked up
about this You said it yourself The longer it takes
them to deliberate, the worse our chances are, right?
And you also said anything can happen Mommy
Maybe we could, uh Can we bargain for the manslaughter?
I mean, maybe we could just It's a little
late for that Mommy Well, I can't,
I can't, I can't just sit in here anymore
I've got to, uh Mommy What?
I want to go Stop it Gina, Gina,
that's enough Stop it, stop it Oh,
God It's okay, it's okay Gina For God's
sake, honey Take it easy Jury's back,
Mr. Sifuentes It's okay, it's okay, it's
okay Mommy didn't mean it, it's okay.
It's okay We should go.
Come on, let's go, come on All right It's
all right, it's all right, baby It's okay,
it's okay It's all right, it's all right
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
Take it easy.
Okay, you're all right.
All right.
This court is now in session.
All rise.
Be seated.
Will the defendant please rise?
In the matter of People v.
Gina Fernald, we, the jury, find the defendant
not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.
Since there's no indication that the
defendant currently suffers from any
mental defect or disease, this court makes no
recommendation for treatment or confinement.
The defendant is ordered to undergo
psychiatric evaluation, however,
after which I'll make a final ruling with
respect to disposition.
This court's adjourned.
How the hell does the bank expect me to come up with $7,900
on my boat if the government won't let me make a living?
Ron, I understand your frustration.
But what good does it do to punch the guy out?
Maybe none.
But I'll tell you something.
For the first time in this whole
nightmare, something makes sense to me.
You know, they finally nailed me for
something I really did.
Now, look, I got to get out of here.
I got things to pick up off the boat
before they auction it.
Look, I can probably get you out of here within the hour.
But you might do better to stay in here for the night.
I mean, you got enough problems without
having three or four felonies hanging over your head.
I'm not gonna hit anybody else.
Hell, I'm sorry I hit this guy.
He was just there.
Don't make me sit in jail any longer, Mr. Kuzak, okay?
Thank you.
So, you and Marilyn Feldman, could this be an item?
Could be.
We've had a couple of very nice, very normal, dinners.
What about you, Mr. Handelman?
It's complicated.
It's, um, two kids, two divorces,
four households, no privacy.
But, um, so far it's worth it.
That's good, Abby.
I'm happy for you.
Look, Victor, I have to tell you something
that happened to me a while ago.
What?
I knocked my son down.
In anger.
Um, I'd had a lousy day.
And his father brought him home late.
He wouldn't turn off the TV, he wouldn't
go to bed, and one word led to another,
and then he spit at me.
He's five years old.
Can you believe that?
I mean, where did he learn that?
Anyway, I guessed that he knew he'd gone way over the line
because he tried to run away, but I grabbed him by the arm.
And I smacked his bottom so hard that I
actually knocked him off his feet.
I appreciate what you're telling me, Abby.
Well, you didn't kill a baby.
All I am saying is that parents
occasionally smack their children.
Now, I'm not making excuses for it.
It's wrong.
And I would cut off my hand before I do it again.
But it happens to a lot of us under a lot
less stress than she was under.
Victor, 12 jurors found her innocent by
reason of temporary insanity.
And what you saw today, take it from a
parent, does not mean that they were wrong.
Where's Heather?
Where's Heather?
Where's my pig?
There he is.
That proves it.
I mean, that is all he cares about, that four-legged slut.
For God's sake, Arlene, I have two tapings this afternoon.
We're on to you, you sicko.
You know, I've told him all about it.
Oh, please, Arlene, don't embarrass yourself.
She's been under a doctor's care.
Are you going to sit there and deny that I
walked in on you in bed with that sow?
You went off your medication again, didn't you?
You're in love with her.
Now, come on, admit it.
I don't deny that I adore that little animal.
It's my business.
I raise them, I train them.
Even with the TV show and all the success it's
brought us, I'm still just an old son of a farmer.
You're a pig-loving pervert.
It's been especially hard on her.
You won't get away with this, you know.
I'll talk.
I'll tell the world about you.
Advise her.
If she goes anywhere with that story, we'll slap
a slander suit on her so fast her head will spin.
Well, don't just sit there.
Defend me.
Excuse me a minute.
You know the craziest thing?
I don't even blame you.
For your information, Marshal Shulian just called.
He's fired us.
Oh, God.
We'll just have to wait and see what the
aftershocks will be.
Um.
Uh, I'll, I'll, I'll call.
I'll, I'll apologize.
Don't go near the situation.
You've done quite enough already.
You ought to be committed.
Maybe you're not aware of the gravity of this situation.
That animal is worth over $30,000.
We have reason to believe that your client
is involved in a major theft.
If you are withholding information with
respect to that pig's whereabouts,
we are prepared to name you as an accessory.
The pig is here.
I'll have her brought out.
Whose payroll are you on?
Marlene.
That's it?
You are fired.
You know something?
You can keep your precious pig.
I hope you'll have years of happiness together.
My client would like to see his pig now.
Here.
There's my sweetheart.
There's my little girl.
I hope it was okay to lock her up in the janitor's closet.
Oh, oh, did you miss me?
Oh, yes, you did, my little girl.
Did you miss me?
Oh, yes, you did.
Now tell the truth.
Is she a doll or what?
Oh, oh.
That's it, huh?
Check.
Back of hearts.
I guess the new owners will name her something else.
Hell, if I named her something else, she'd still be mine.
You believe that?
Here.
What's this?
$7,900.
Your money.
My money?
I can't take charity.
I start that now, I just crack right up.
It's not charity.
You take it off the top of the award you're
gonna get from your lawsuit with the IRS.
Forget it.
That'll take years.
Look, Ron, I wanna tell you something about lawyers, okay?
We take on a case, we argue passionately
for whoever happens to be paying the bills.
Win, lose, or draw, we walk away.
Except every once in a while, you wanna
put your money where your mouth is.
Mr. Kuzak.
Look, this is important to me.
Now, if you want, we can draw up papers,
figure out a payment schedule,
but think of it as an investment.
If you wanted to make an investment,
you could do a hell of a lot better than this.
All right, don't think of it as an investment.
Take it for what it is.
Okay.
I will.
Don't call me Mr. Kuzak anymore, all right?
My name's Mike.
Okay, Mike.
So we'll go fishing sometime, huh?
Stuart, I want to say something.
What?
I don't know if I know how to say this.
What is it?
Stuart, do you know anything about humpback whales?
Humpback whales spend their entire lives searching the seas,
singing sad whale songs, looking for their one true mate.
The thought of that always used to make me cry.
I guess because I kind of felt like that.
The only thing is, I never thought I'd
find mine in this huge, huge sea.
You're crying, Ann?
Stuart, I'm so happy.
I never thought that I could love anyone
so much or be so happy in my whole life.
You know what today is?
It's our six-month anniversary.
Really?
Oh, Stuart, I didn't get you anything.
It's okay.
Open it up.
Oh, Stuart, it's beautiful.
Will you marry me?
Marry you?
Yes.
Okay, put it on.
Oh, Stuart, this is so exciting.
We'll have to set a date.
How about tonight?
Tonight?
Yeah, fly to Las Vegas.
Las Vegas?
Uh-huh.
Well, you said I got to pick the next vacation, right?
Oh, Stuart, come on, you can't just run off and do these.
You have to plan these things.
No, you don't.
You got to feel these things.
You love me.
God knows I love you.
I don't want to wait.
I want to do it.
I just don't want to give you a chance to
plan yourself out of it, you know?
Stuart, this is crazy.
Yeah, it must be crazy.
Come on.
Oh, boy.
You know, when your mommy gives
you a great big cold Hi, Candy, it's Arnie.
No message, just that I was thinking about you, and
if you're coming in the next half hour, give me a call.
I'm at work.
Maybe we'll have some dinner or something.
Bye-bye.
Anybody know what kind of a sound a cow makes?
Moo!
Moo!
Oh, hi, Rox.
Hi.
Are you okay?
Oh, sure, sure.
Great.
In one day, I've lost a million-dollar
client, plus the farmer's wife fired me,
plus I'm still a raw nerve ending over
Lucinda, and for the last half hour,
I've been thinking about suicide,
but other than that, fine.
Oh, Arnie.
Don't worry.
Windows don't open anyway.
Would it help to talk about it?
I was just going to go home, but if you want, I could stay.
Where's Leon tonight?
He's in Chicago in business.
Do you remember that night I came over to your house and
we had tomato soup and we snuggled up and we watched TV?
Yeah.
Well, how about it?
We could stop off at 7-Eleven, pick up a big box
of Graham crackers and maybe some ice cream.
I don't think so, Arnie.
Leon's supposed to call.
I don't think so.
You're right.
I guess that was kind of neurotic.
Not to mention, Fanny.
I should get going.
Are you going to be all right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I still got a load of paperwork I might as well finish up.
Have a good weekend.
Thanks, Rox.
You, too.
You know, when your mommy gives you a
great big cold frosty glass of milk,
well, that's where it comes from.
Oh, and delicious ice cream.
Good evening, wedding chapel.
I'm sorry, Reverend Sibley's performing a
wedding right now.
No, the Reverend can't.
You want to go to your hotel room, you have to come in.
Come on.
Come on, Sherry.
Come on.
Thank you.
Reverend Sibley will be with you any minute now.
You'll be in and out by midnight, I swear.
That's great.
Thanks.
Stuart.
Stuart.
You know, maybe this wasn't such a hot idea after all.
I mean, it didn't sound so bad in a Beverly Hills
restaurant with half a bottle of champagne inside me.
But here, I mean, look at this place.
It's not exactly the Bel Air Hotel.
Ann, you want to have a second ceremony at
the Bel Air Hotel?
Actually, what I was thinking,
what do we need a ceremony for anyway?
Because we love each other, and we want to
be committed to each other.
I don't need a piece of paper for that, Stuart.
A couple of laughs.
Ann.
Yes, Ann.
Our wedding ceremonies are recognized as official
in 50 states of the Union and the District of Columbia.
You really have to take that up with your
local artists, guys.
This has got to be something we both want to do.
If you don't want to do it It's
not that I don't want to do it, Stuart.
It's just, Stuart, this is terrifying.
By midnight, if I don't get out
of here first, I'm going to be Mrs.
Stuart Markowitz for the rest of my life.
That's pretty terrifying, huh?
Look, would you settle for 50 years with a
renewable option for another 25?
All right, but it's the rush.
This is supposed to be the most important
moment of our lives.
I want the ceremony to be beautiful and moving.
Something we'll always remember.
Mr. Moskowitz, ma'am?
It's, uh, Mark.
My good friends, we're here on this happy occasion to
unite this fine young people in a state of holy matrimony.
But before we do, I have just a few pieces
of advice for the happy couple.
In the words of the king, don't be cruel.
Now, he's stuck on you now, pretty lady,
but if you treat him like a hound dog,
it's return to sender.
And you?
You love her tender, you understand?
You bring that burning love home every
night to this good woman.
Well, as sure as a king had hits, you
find yourself all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.
Now, if you'll just take this lovely
lady's hand in your hand, Mr. Moskowitz.
One night with you.
It's what I live for Now I'm ready for All things
that We took a chance Made my dreams come true.
Always lived Very quiet life Well, I never did no wrong
Now I know Life without you Has been too lonely Too long.
So I see I figured I'd find you here.
Are you back for good?
Yes With me?
If you'll have me.
I haven't figured everything out yet
Except being away from you Wasn't the
answer I love you so much, Mickey I don't
ever want to be away from you again Okay?
I don't ever want to be away from you again.