Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e22 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Uncle Joe.
Betty says one of the salesmen left.
Did he settle up his bill?
Yeah, I took care of it.
Well, I'm sure glad somebody checked out.
Business has been terrible lately.
Well, losing guests don't improve it any.
Oh, I know.
But it gives us some cash to feed the ones we have left.
Where is it?
Uh, this here feller didn't pay me in cash.
Oh, well, I'm sure his check's good.
Yeah, of course it is.
He didn't give me a check, either.
Oh, no, Uncle Joe, not again.
What do you mean?
You let him pay you off
in useless sample merchandise, didn't you?
I did no such thing.
Oh.
Thank goodness.
For a minute, you gave me quite a turn.
There ain't nothing useless about this sample merchandise.
You just spun me the whole way round.
Wait till I show you
what I wangled out of that salesman.
Kate, this is the best deal yet.
Better than the six dozen hula hoops
you wangled out of the last one?
They're still cluttering up the attic.
Four dozen.
You forgot the batch I traded to Hank Fulton.
Oh, yes.
For a gross of buttonhooks, wasn't it?
And two pogo sticks.
Someday, they'll be worth good money.
Oh, sure.
If people start whirling and jumping
in high-button shoes, we'll be rich.
I'll bet you Hank's still kicking himself for that one.
Kate, how would you like
a beautiful painting to hang back of the desk?
We got a painting hanging there.
But this one's permanent.
You don't throw it away every year
after you tear out December.
Is that what the salesman gave you?
A painting?
Not exactly.
But about as near to it as you can get.
If that's the nearest thing to a painting,
you have a very poor sense of distance.
Maybe I better explain it to you.
You notice a picture's divided into
all these little sections with numbers in them.
Well, everywhere there's a number,
you put a different color.
And you know what you get?
Different colored numbers?
Got no sense of imagination, Kate.
Now, here's a picture after I got finished painting it.
Uncle Joe, the ten dollars that salesman owed us
was our grocery money.
How could you take a painting instead?!
Not just this one, Kate.
He gave me six others.
If you don't like the sailing boat,
how about a pedigreed setter?
Or
Here's General Custer I got from him on a horse.
You should've gotten Alexander Hamilton.
What's so special about Alexander Hamilton?
His picture's on a ten dollar bill.
Number 13, green.
Darn!
Who is it?
It's nearly dinnertime, Uncle Joe.
Mom asked me to see if you were ready.
Pretty soon, Betty Jo.
I'm just putting the finishing touches
on my painting.
Here, hold this up for a spell.
I want to make sure I got it right.
Is this what you're painting?
It's mighty pretty.
Wait till you see how I done it.
There, finished.
What do you think of it?
Wow!
Of course, I can't take all the credit.
I just copied it from the model.
What's the ship doing on top of a mountain?
Oh, that's not a mountain, that's a wave.
A brown wave?
You noticed that, huh?
I guess I slipped up on that one.
I got the numbers switched.
Instead of number 32, I used number 23.
What about the purple sky?
On this, it's blue.
I guess I got that number backwards, too.
Eleven?
The little things don't count.
Real great artists sometimes slip up on the details.
You'd know that if you'd ever seen
a picture of the Venus de Milo.
Hey, wait till you see it in this old frame
I dug up out of the attic.
Well, where are you gonna hang it?
I figure the best place is over the desk in the lobby.
Isn't that kind of conspicuous?
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
First thing folks'll see when they come in.
It'll hit them right between the eyes.
That's what I was thinking, too.
Oh, Uncle Joe, you better take this laundry upstairs.
The Cannonball's in; I got to get dinner started.
And besides, I was
Well, you could've waited till I had a hold of it.
Oh, you seen the picture.
How's it hit you?
Right between the eyes.
It's still there.
Well, ain't you gonna say something?
Soon as I figure out a way to phrase it.
Does it have to hang up there?
You know, when folks come in here,
that's gonna be the first thing they see.
Well, that's the idea.
Stranger comes through the door, walks over to the desk,
trying to make up his mind whether to check in,
looks up, sees the picture, and
And makes up his mind.
Now you're getting the idea.
Don't you think it'd look nicer
hanging next to your wooden Indian?
Oh, but you're always hiding my Indian.
I don't even know where he is now.
Down in the cellar, behind the furnace.
Kate, just because you got
no appreciation of art, don't mean
Here's the groceries
you asked me to pick up at Sam Drucker's, Kate.
And we brung two passengers for dinner.
Hey, watch what you're doing, Charley.
Lucky thing I'm carrying in the eggs.
You notice something new, fellas?
I done it.
What for?
Well, it gives the place class.
Not many hotels got an
original oil painting in the lobbies.
Not that original.
I reckon it's the first time
a ship ever got stuck on top of a mountain.
Well, what about Noah's ark?
Besides, that's not a mountain, it's a wave.
A brown wave?
A purple sky?
Well, you're standing too close.
Got to move back from it to get the full enjoyment.
Well, I know, but the lobby ain't big enough.
You ain't a-gonna leave that thing up there, are you, Kate?
Why ain't she? It looks just fine up there.
Besides, it hides the crack in the wall.
What crack?
The one I made when I hung it up.
Personally, I prefer a crack in the wall.
Personally, I don't think
the wall's the only thing around here that's cracked.
That painting hangs just where it is,
and I don't want to argue about it no more!
I declare.
Sometimes that man's just like a mule.
Worse.
A mule could paint ten times better than that.
Of all the ridiculous ideas.
Stopping a train in the middle of nowhere for dinner.
If it's just for dinner,
why do I have to lug this vase with me?
Because it's an expensive antique.
I don't want to let it out of my hands.
You mean my hands. This thing's heavy.
Stop complaining, Parks.
What do you think I pay you for?
Besides, you know about my bad back.
Before you come in any further,
you better hand me that vase.
What about your bad back?
Never mind my back, hand me the vase.
Oh, it's all right with me,
but I don't understand why all of a sudden you want
Now I understand.
You know something, Parks?
I think we've just walked into the Twilight Zone.
And we're supposed to have dinner here.
Who's hungry?
Wait a minute. I want to get a closer look at this.
Oh Mr. Cheever.
You may have a weak back,
but you certainly have a strong stomach.
I am not talking about the painting.
Parks, wouldn't you say this frame
is an authentic 19th century von Goedden?
It certainly looks like it.
Of course I'd have to see the marks on the back to be sure.
Look That is authentic.
That must be worth at least $200.
Notice the subtle detail.
Magnificent.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
I see you're admiring my painting.
You painted this?
Well, I don't like to brag, but
I'm the artist.
I wouldn't call that bragging.
He means you have a very special talent.
Special, huh? I don't believe
there's another human being alive
who could do something like this.
Isn't that right?
Oh, that's the best painting I've ever seen
of a ship on top of a mountain.
Would you be willing to sell it?
It's not a mountain Sell it?
For money?
Of course. I'm an art dealer in Nashville,
and I'd be very interested
in buying this painting as is.
How much do you want for it?
Uh, w-well, let me see now. There's
uh, the paint, the canvas, the labor
wear and tear on the brushes.
$20.00?
$15. With the frame.
Sold.
Sold?
I knew I was dealing with a shrewd trader.
It's easy to see you're as good a businessman
as you are an artist.
I'm warning you, Kate, you
leave that thing hanging up there,
there won't be a guest left in the hotel.
Oh, is it really that bad?
You oughta see it.
Billie Jo, that's not a nice thing to say to your sister.
All right, folks, here's your last chance
to see this work of art.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right, Bobbie Jo.
It wasn't your fault.
I see you've come to your senses
and took that crazy picture down.
Crazy picture, huh?
This painting's just been sold for $15.
Who's crazy now?
That fellow who bought it.
The fellow who bought it's an art dealer from Nashville,
one of the passengers you brung in on the Cannonball.
Uncle Joe, you mean you really sold it?
For $15.
I'm on my way to crate it for the man right now.
Well, does he know how you did it?
By coloring in the numbers?
He didn't ask me.
Don't you think he should know?
He paid $15 for an original painting.
Yours is just a copy.
This ain't a copy.
The original was a picture of a ship riding on a wave.
This here's a picture of a ship stuck on a mountain.
If you don't tell him, I will.
Oh, now, wait a minute, Kate.
Don't ruin my career just as I'm getting started.
I'll tell you what.
Instead of this old frame,
we'll give him the one off Grandpa's picture.
You know, the one with the carved cupids
and the red-and-green scalloped border.
I don't know.
Well, he certainly ought to
get his money's worth with that.
Yeah, I suppose so.
But just to make sure, I won't charge him for his dinner.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley for the lovely dinner.
And thank you, Mr. Carson,
for the, the incredible work of art.
We'd better get going. They're calling us.
I'll carry it down to the train for you.
No extra charge.
As I always say, there's no accounting for taste.
Do you think Uncle Joe is really talented?
Well, Mr. Cheever is an art dealer,
and you heard how he kept calling the painting incredible.
For all we know, Uncle Joe could be a genius.
Mm. Uncle Joe a genius.
That'd be nice.
It would keep him occupied in his later years.
You know, it's just possible that Uncle Joe is a primitive.
Bobbie Jo.
Mom, I mean it.
He shows all the signs of being one.
Oh, I don't think so.
Maybe his forehead slants back a bit,
but his chin doesn't recede.
Either one of them.
Mom, a primitive is what they call artists
without any training.
Oh? Sure.
There was a woman called Grandma Moses up in New England
who started painting when she was in her seventies.
She never studied in her life,
but her paintings are in all the famous museums.
Well, that explains it.
Uncle Joe must be a primitive.
Still putting me on, hey, Kate?
Oh, no, no, Uncle Joe.
You don't understand.
A primitive is what they call a famous artist
who hasn't had any training.
What Mom meant is
that you could be another Grandma Moses.
Grandma Moses?
I ain't even married.
Bobbie Jo's talking about an old lady
who was a famous artist,
and that's the way she signed
her paintings Grandma Moses.
Grandma Moses, huh?
And you say she was a great artist?
Her pictures are in all the museums.
Say, that inspires me to another great, original idea.
From now on, I'll sign all my pictures Uncle Joe.
Excuse me, dear.
Uncle Joe, uh, I hope that this, um,
career in painting will make you very, very happy,
but I wouldn't bank on it too much.
Well, I am banking on it.
It's the first chance in my life
I've had a chance to be somebody
and be respected by the people around here.
Uncle Joe, I respect you, and so do the girls.
Yeah, but you don't count.
No, no, I mean, uh
Well, you know what I mean. Sure.
You know, it's important for a man to feel
that he has accomplished something in life,
and not just been a drag on his loved ones.
But you haven't been a drag on us.
We love and respect you.
Oh, go on, Kate.
But it's true.
Oh, I'll admit there have been times
when that love and respect have skidded mighty close
to irritation, but nobody's more important to us than you.
Thanks, Kate.
Knowing you and the girls think that way about me
makes me feel great.
And I want you to be proud of me.
That's why I got to make good. I just got to.
I know, Uncle Joe.
Oh, I know.
Betty, what's all the noise about?
Uncle Joe asked me to finish
tacking up his press clippings.
Press clippings?
Sam Drucker ran a big article about Uncle Joe
in the Hooterville World Guardian.
But honey, all that hammering?
You think Sam Drucker prints only one copy of his paper?
No wonder Sam said he
doubled his circulation in this issue.
Ma, Betty Jo, guess what happened.
Oh, let me tell it.
You go up and tell Uncle Joe. Mom
I thought you were gonna tell Uncle Joe.
Oh, that's right. Well, I'll run up
and tell Uncle Joe, and you can tell them.
No, no, you tell
Well, if you want to tell Uncle Joe
No, I'm telling Tell me what?!
The director of the art museum in Centerville
called up Sam Drucker.
He read about Uncle Joe in the newspaper,
and he's coming here tomorrow to see him.
What for?
Well, he's thinking of exhibiting all
of his paintings in the museum.
No kidding? The whole town's buzzing about it.
Now this ought to put Shady Rest on the map.
Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that.
But, Mom, if Uncle Joe gets famous,
think of the kind of people that will be coming here.
Man! I thought of it first now.
Now I need a lot of new clothes, Mother.
To, to, to, to, to, simmer down.
In the first place, nothing has happened yet.
And in the second place, we
Well, well, how do you like that for news?
All them Uncle Joes's hanging in a real art museum.
What Uncle Joes's?
Aside from the picture you sold Mr. Cheever,
you haven't painted a thing.
Yeah.
Lucky for me you thought of that, Kate.
That's one thing I overlooked.
When did you say that museum feller was coming?
Tomorrow.
Well, all I got to do is
knock out five more masterpieces before he shows up.
Why only five?
That's all the canvases I got left.
Say, one of you girls better come along.
I'll need you for the pictures.
As the model?
No, I want you to read off the numbers to me.
Number 14, pink.
Number 14, pink.
Number 14, pink.
Number 21, violet.
Number 21, violet.
Number 21, violet.
Careful, Uncle Joe.
You're sloshing it over the lines.
Who's the primitive around here you or me?
You are, Uncle Joe,
but this one's beginning to
look like a primitive's primitive.
When I paint, I paint whole hog.
Bring on that museum fella.
Mom, the Cannonball's here
with the people for Uncle Joe's art exhibit.
Oh, I sure hope everybody likes the way he paints.
They've already had a sample.
Look.
Oh, no!
He's painted on another one of my bed sheets.
Darn it anyway.
I was hoping Uncle Joe would stick to his canvases
and leave my bed sheets alone.
I guess that's the price of art, Mom.
More like the price of a new sheet.
Uncle Joe, get ready, here they come.
Bring 'em on.
Especially that museum feller.
Lovely.
Dandy.
Work of art.
Exquisite.
Oh, Billie, don't be stingy with the punch.
We want to make a good impression.
And with each program you hand out, Bobbie,
be sure there's a press clipping attached.
They're here.
What's this?
Program.
You know, you can't tell a painting without a program.
You can say that again.
Now let's not block the doorway, folks.
Everyone's entitled to a view of the pictures.
"General Custer on His Horse."
I can see the horse, but where's General Custer?
Well, this one's a pedigreed Irish setter.
Uh, I'm E.T. Gibbs from the Centerville Museum.
Well, welcome to the Shady Rest gallery, Mr. Gibbs.
Howdy.
I guess you're the artist?
Oh, you can tell, huh?
Billie, give Mr. Gibbs some punch.
Come right over here and we'll take a look at the pictures.
This is a pedigreed Irish setter.
Hmm.
This was General Custer
before the Indians got to him.
Mm-hmm.
I call this one "Church With Steeple."
Mm-hmm.
I didn't get that last one, Kate.
What was it, a "Hmm," or a "Mm-hmm"?
Huh. Well, what do you think?
This one's for cow fanciers.
Mr. Carson, I've seen Impressionism,
Expressionism, Cubism, Surrealism, but this
this is pure sadism.
You couldn't even follow the numbers.
Uncle Joe, may maybe you'd better have some punch.
Come in.
Uncle Joe, it's wrong of you to
stay cooped up here brooding.
We need you to run the hotel.
You'll just have to get along the best you can without me.
My mind won't concentrate after being laughed at
by all them folks from Hooterville.
You mustn't feel bad, Uncle Joe.
You're not the only great artist
to be laughed at by the masses.
Were they there, too?
What Betty Jo means is that there were
a lot of important painters who weren't appreciated
while they were still alive.
Like Rembrandt.
He didn't become famous
until a hundred years after he died.
That may be all right for Rembrandt,
but I'd rather be around when it happens.
Uncle Joe, you're just not doing any good
grieving, just because The Cannonball.
And they're signaling they brought someone.
I better get on down.
You keep talking about those important artists,
but stick to the live ones.
Mr. Cheever, you're back.
Of course I'm back.
You think I'd let myself be swindled?
Swindled?
You know very well your uncle outsmarted me.
Oh, I resent that.
Uncle Joe never outsmarted anybody in his whole life.
What about this?
You mean the painting.
Not that monstrosity.
I'm talking about the frame.
I bought an authentic antique von Goedden frame.
You mean, it was the frame you were really after.
You don't have to pretend anymore, Mrs. Bradley.
I admit $15 was a ridiculous price to pay
for a von Goedden, and I see you know its real value.
But I still want the frame and I'll give you $150 for it.
Without the picture, $200.
$200 will be fine, Mr. Cheever.
Great. I'll write you out a check.
Just a minute.
There are certain conditions.
Mm-hmm.
Kate, I think I'll go back to bed.
I'll buy them.
You mean you like 'em?
I said I'll buy them.
Mr. Carson, I didn't think it was possible,
but you did it again.
Well, thank you, Mr. Cheever.
How about $40?
I'll pack 'em up for you
No, no, no, Mr. Cheever means $40 apiece.
What are you trying to do, Kate?
Isn't that right, Mr. Cheever?
Naturally.
But that's $200.
$200 is a fair price, but on one condition.
Kate That you give back Grandpa's frame
and take the old one.
Kate But there's just one thing.
Oh-oh.
I have a condition.
I think I'm getting one.
This is a unique collection.
I mean these paintings
are the only ones of their kind.
That makes them more valuable, huh?
Well, maybe not right now.
Maybe not in your lifetime, Mr. Carson.
But there's no telling what they might be worth
if these are the only ones there are after you're gone.
Like Rembrandt.
Well, the point is, if you keep
flooding the market with Uncle Joes,
well, you can see what'll happen to my investment.
I see what you mean.
That's why you've got to agree
not to paint another picture without my permission.
That sounds fair enough to me, Mr. Cheever.
You've got my word on it as a man and an artist.
Your word as a man is enough.
Now if I may use the pen in your lobby,
I'll write you a check.
Uncle Joe, you're a success.
A great artist.
Yeah, a great retired artist.
Don't forget, I made a deal with that man.
Kate here deserves a little credit.
If it weren't for her lucky blunder,
we wouldn't have got Grandpa's frame back.
$200 for the paintings.
And Mr. Cheever said someday
they'll even be worth a lot more.
Yeah, that's the only hitch.
What?
I'll always have a feeling that somewhere
that fella will be out there rooting for me to die.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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