The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e22 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
ALL: I was
seeing Nellie home ♪
I was seeing Nellie home ♪
It was from Aunt
Dinah's quilting party ♪
I was seeing Nellie home ♪
In the sky, the
bright stars glittered ♪
On the banks, the
pale moon shone ♪
It was from Aunt
Dinah's quilting party ♪
I was seeing Nellie home ♪
I was seeing Nellie home ♪
I was seeing Nellie home ♪
It was from Aunt
Dinah's quilting party ♪
I was seeing ♪
Nellie home. ♪
( laughter)
Oh, that was extra good.
We ought to sing
together more often,
I tell you the truth.
Would you mind settin'
it over there, Ellie?
I love to sing alongside Barney.
You're just sayin' that.
Oh, I think you got a
real fan there, Barney.
BARNEY: Think so?
Yeah, boy.
How about some more cake, Andy?
No, thank you. I've had enough.
How about you two?
Well, I believe I could
Oh, I think they've
had enough, too.
Right, uh, right, gang?
Oh, right.
( laughing)
( talking quietly)
( giggling)
What's that?
Power failure.
Been happening a lot lately.
It only lasts about a minute.
It's all right by me.
I think it's more
romantic, don't you, Ellie?
( giggling:) Andy.
Nice goin', Casanova.
So, they put this
powder on, see,
and that raises the fingerprint.
Well, once you
got a fingerprint,
why, you just send her
along to the good ol' FBI
and that criminal's
as good as a goner.
Well, uh, here we are.
It's been a very
educational walk home.
Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Well
Well, what?
Well, uh
Good night, Thelma Lou.
Good night.
Thelma Lou?
Yes, Barney?
Next time, I'll tell you
all about the assembly
and the oiling of a
.38-caliber revolver, okay?
Okay.
I-I'll see ya.
Your move, Paw.
I know it is.
I'm just formulatin'
my plan of attack
and I believe I've got her.
Sure you wanna move
there, Paw? I can jump ya.
Go right ahead. You'll
fall in with my plans.
Okay. I jump here.
Now watch this.
I ain't finished, Paw.
I also jump here, here,
here, here, and here.
Got any plans now, Paw?
Yeah, I got plans to
quit playin' with you.
You're a riverboat
sharpie is what you are.
ANDY: Well, good
mornin' to ya, Deputy Fife.
You look mighty
bright and bushy-tailed.
Uh, did you, uh, do
all right last night?
What are you talkin' about,
did I do all right?
Well, you know,
when you walked, uh,
Thelma Lou home,
uh what happened?
Well, what do you
mean, "What happened?"
We got there.
Yeah, but after you got there
and you said good night
at the door did you, uh?
( kissing)
Andy, the boy.
Huh?
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Um, Opie, why don't
you run on out and play?
You tryin' to get
rid of me, Paw?
Well, uh
yeah, I guess that's
about the size of it.
Okay. I'll go.
Gee whiz, you'd think
I never heard
about kissin' before.
( door closes)
Now-now tell, now tell me.
Did-did you get a little kissy?
( clears throat)
No, I didn't.
You didn't?
No, I didn't.
Didn't? Well, why not?
Well, I don't know, Andy.
Well, I can't help it.
When I'm alone with
her, I-I just freeze up.
I don't know what
to say or what to do.
Well, haven't you seen
enough Rock Hudson movies
to know how to
sweet-talk a girl?
You better tell that girl
how you feel about her.
If you don't, you're
gonna lose her.
Girls like to hear
things like that.
Well, I know.
Well, there's plenty
of things I can think of
to say when I'm alone
Things she'd like to hear.
Oh, you can? Sure.
Like what?
Well, Andy, see
that's where it gets tough.
Now, I usually
think of these things
when I'm shavin' or
soakin' my feet at night.
Yeah. Well-well, play like
you're soakin' your feet now
and tell me some
of the things you say.
Come on.
Well, uh I say, uh
I say, Thelma Lou
uh, I like you, Thelma Lou.
I like ya a lot.
You're the cat's.
I-I never said them three words
to a girl before,
Thelma Lou, but
but I mean it.
You're the cat's.
I-I think about ya all the time.
Sometimes at breakfast,
I stare down at my eggs
and I see your
face right in there.
Well, there's there's
nothin' I'd like better
than to have you as my
steady girl, Thelma Lou
because
well like I said
you're the cat's.
Well, that's beautiful, Barney.
I mean it.
There's not a girl in the world
that wouldn't like to hear
things like that said to her.
And do you know why?
Because you're sincere.
Well
Now, I mean it.
Now, why can't you say
them things to Thelma Lou?
Oh, I just can't.
Well, what do you want,
somebody to say 'em for ya?
That wouldn't be a bad idea.
Barney, I declare, I just
don't understand you.
You said 'em all
fine right there.
How come you can't say the
same thing to Thelma Lou?
Well, I guess the
trouble is I can
I can only say 'em
to a face like yours.
Character.
Barney said that
about me?
He sure did.
He said, "You're the cat's."
Now that's a direct quote.
Well, why can't
he tell me himself?
Oh, well, Barney just
can't bring himself to.
Golly, some fellas can
speak right up to their girls
and some can't.
So he sent you over
here to talk for him.
So you'd play John Alden.
Ooh, nooo!
If he had any idea
I was over here,
he'd be madder than a hornet.
I just thought
that you ought to know
how he feels about you.
Well, that's nice of you, Andy,
but I'd still like to hear it
from the horse's mouth.
Well, you ain't exactly
got a talking horse here.
You do like Barney, don't you?
Oh, of course I do.
There's no one else.
Well, he sure does like you.
Oh, I wish I could hear
it from his own thin lips.
Well
I don't know how you'll
ever get it out of that boy.
Well, I don't, either, Andy
but there ought to be some way
to provoke him into speaking up.
You just remember one thing.
He thinks you're the cat's.
I'll see you.
Sarah?
4-3-1, please.
Barney? This is Thelma Lou.
Barney, guess who
just came calling on me.
All right. Put 'em up.
What?
You heard me. Put 'em up.
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me?
Do you deny calling on my girl?
Oh. Well, uh, Barney, uh
Well, come on. Out with it!
Do you deny it?
Well, uh, yeah, I
called on Thelma Lou.
Oh!
How could you do it?!
How could you
try to steal my girl?
How?
Well, well, now, Barney,
this may be hard
for you to believe.
Now, I called on Thelma Lou
but I called on
her in your behalf.
Oh, sure.
Well, I did! I thought
that she ought to hear
some of the things that you
can't bring yourself to say,
and I was just trying to help.
Now, you've got to believe me.
I didn't try to steal your girl.
Oh, no?
Well, then how come
when I asked her
for Saturday night,
she turned me down
and she said the same thing
for the next Saturday night
and the Saturday after that
and the Saturday after that!
She said she was holding
them all open for you!
She did?
Yes, she did.
Well, uh
Oh
( laughs)
Don't you get it?
Oh, no, no, Andy.
Don't try to laugh
your way out of this.
That's where you
cheapen yourself.
Well, Barney
How would you like it if I tried
to steal Ellie away from you?
Well
Oh, you don't
think I can, do you?
Well, that's not
the point.
Point! Well, I can,
and the funny part is, you're
the one that showed me how.
All I got to do is
sweet-talk her,
and I've seen just enough
Rock Hudson pictures
to know how to do that.
Barney
Oh, this is the oldest
game in the world
Stealing your
best friend's girl.
Well, four can play
at this game, buddy.
You just watch me.
Hello, Sarah?
Get me Floyd's barber shop.
You won't listen, will you?
I'm just trying
( humming "Beautiful Dreamer")
( humming continues)
Hello, Floyd?
This is Barney Fife.
Who's in the chair?
Well, get rid of 'em.
I'm coming over and
I'm ready for action.
That's right. I want the works:
shave, haircut, witch hazel,
eau de cologne, toilet water
If it smells, I want it.
( bell jangles)
I'll be right out!
I'm in the back!
Hello, there.
Oh, hi, Barney.
( laughing)
What did you do to your hair?
What do you mean?
Well, I've never seen
it quite that way before.
Like it?
What have you got on you?
Kinda gets to you, don't it?
Okay, Barney, what'll it be?
Does it have to
be anything?
Well, no. No.
You can sit down if you like.
I just have this
prescription to finish.
You know the light in here
does crazy things to your hair.
What?
Oh, why pretend?
I like you, Ellie.
You're my kind of woman.
What?!
Let's not try to
fight it baby.
Barney Fife, have
you been drinking?
Oh, baby
Oh, now, stop.
I haven't time
for this nonsense.
Now, stop acting
like a juvenile.
I feel sorry for you, baby.
You had your
chance to fly with me
but you wasn't woman enough.
Now the balloon's
gone up without you.
I knew I should've called
you and warned you,
but I just didn't think
he'd go through with it.
Well, it looks like we got us
the eternal
quadrangle, don't it?
You certainly helped matters
with that call on Thelma Lou.
Well, dad-burn it,
I still think I was
doing the right thing.
She's just using that
to make Barney jealous.
Uh-oh.
What's the matter?
Here comes Thelma Lou.
You better have a talk with her.
I figure to.
Hi, Andy.
Hello, Ellie.
ANDY: Thelma Lou.
Thelma Lou, I want
to ask you something.
How come you told
Barney I called on you?
Well, you didn't want
to keep it a secret, did you?
How would that look?
Well, it just seems like
Barney's misunderstood
the nature of that visit
and it also seems like
that you might be the one
encouraging that
misunderstanding.
Now, am I right?
Why, Andy, all I did was
( door opening)
Uh, well
I'd better be going.
Bye, all.
Bye, Andy.
Did you hear that? "Bye, Andy."
That was for your benefit.
Can't you see what she's doing?
Oh, no, no, don't.
There's no point
in playing out this
farce any longer.
What?!
Oh, I think you better just
get yourself another deputy.
I'll just step out
of the picture.
That poor, sorrowful fella.
He actually believes you've
stolen her away from him.
Lord, I wished I hadn't
have never got into this.
Oh, I was just amazed
when he walked in
playing Casanova.
Oh, Barney's different.
You just call his bluff
maybe wink at him
a couple of times
and I guarantee you
he'd run like a scared rabbit.
Say, that's not a bad idea.
What?
Supposing I do
make the rabbit run.
Maybe you could
work the same trick
on your little bunny.
Thelma Lou?
Oh, you mean maybe
if we get both
our rabbits to run
why, maybe they'd run
right into one another.
Might just.
Well, Ellie, may I say,
behind that pretty face,
you got a awful handsome brain.
Why, Andy.
Hello, Thelma Lou.
Could I, uh, talk
with you for a spell?
Of course you can. Come on in.
Wouldn't the porch swing
be a little more, uh cozy?
Yes, I guess it would.
Say, lovely day, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Uh what was it you
wanted to say, Andy?
Can't you guess?
No.
It's about yesterday.
I've been doing
a lot of thinking
and you know what?
We can no more stop the fates
than we can the ocean's tide
or the sun and the moon.
What?
Oh, I know
when I came to call yesterday
I came to speak
for someone else.
Yes?
And then
fickle fate took over.
What do you mean?
Oh, I've tried.
I've tried but
I can't fight it.
Thelma Lou
you and me are star-crossed.
Andy!
Oh, I know I said a lot
about speaking for Barney
but that was a pretense.
I wanted to speak for
me, but I didn't dare.
Well, now, I do dare.
I am speaking for me.
Thelma Lou, I want
you for my own.
You call for me, Ellie?
Oh, that's right, Barney.
This is probably
my last official act
as peace officer in Mayberry.
What's the trouble: Vandalism?
Disturbing the peace?
Being my last, I
hope it's a goody.
Come on in the back.
It's not an official
call, Barney.
Huh?
You can put that away.
I just wanted to see you
about, uh, yesterday
The things you said.
Oh them.
Well, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be. Say them again.
Huh?
Please?
Uh, well, yeah
but when I said 'em yesterday,
you said I was being juvenile.
Oh, I was wrong.
It was I who was a juvenile;
a frightened little girl.
Uh frightened?
Afraid to accept the dream
that was offered to me.
But now it's different?
As different as night and day.
Yesterday, you were Barney Fife,
just a good friend.
But today, I realize
you're not just a friend.
N-n-n-not a friend?
No.
You're the man I want
and with your hair the
way it was yesterday.
N-n-now, now, now,
now, now, now, now
Andy, why don't
you think this over?
Take a little time.
Love don't hold a stopwatch.
Somewhere, somehow,
someone wanted
us to be together.
What for?
You did?!
Yes, and I'll do it again.
Andy Taylor!
Ellie Walker!
Oh!
Really, Ellie? He did?
( laughs)
Huh?
Oh, I wish you could've seen
her get up off of that swing
and run in that house
and slam that door!
Uh, yeah
( quietly): I'll, uh
I'll talk to you later.
Here comes Barney.
Oh, howdy. Howdy there, Barney.
Golly. You look all shook up.
Where you been?
Andy?
Huh?
Uh, I don't know how
to tell you this, but
well, you're my friend
and you've got
a right to know.
Know about what?
It's about Ellie.
Ellie?
You better sit back, pal.
This could be a jolt.
( clears throat):
Well, now, uh
I guess that you
you figure that
Ellie's kind of
kind of sweet on you.
But, uh well, uh
I got to tell you
that it-it-it just ain't so.
No?
I've just come from her arms.
You?
I'm sorry, Andy,
but you just got to
face the fact that
well, I'm the one
she's sweet on.
Oh, I-I know I
ought to be happy.
I got back at you
and stole your
girl away from you
but, well, somehow it
just don't make me happy.
It's a hollow victory.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm sorry for this
whole ugly mess.
Barney
He's in there.
I don't want to see him.
It's you I want.
Y-you want me?
( quiet laugh)
Well, you're-you're
the second one today.
Barney, something
happened a while ago
that-that brought
me to my senses.
Yeah?
Barney, now
now don't be angry,
but I made up that
whole thing with Andy
just to get you jealous.
You-you did?
Whether you sweet-talk
me or not, Barney,
it's you I want.
( quiet laugh)
( clears throat):
Well, you know
it's, uh, it's funny that
you should say that.
It is?
Yeah. Because, well
something happened to
me, too, a little while ago
something that I I
thought I wanted to happen,
but, well, when it
happened, why
nothing happened.
Nothing?
No. It-it come
to me then that
Well, you're you're
the only girl for me.
Oh, Barney
Poor old Andy.
Well some of us
got it, some of us ain't.
Ellie?
Looks like we did it.
Yeah. Romeo and Juliet
just walked off arm in arm.
Oh, little Liza,
little Liza Jane ♪
Oh, little Liza,
little Liza Jane ♪
Well, oh, little
Liza, little Liza Jane ♪
Oh, little Liza,
little Liza Jane. ♪
Extra good! I love
them fast 'un's like that.
I think I'm going
to get us a snack.
Oh! Good idea!
Good idea, Ellie!
Yeah, a little snack would
do us good right now.
A little snack
never hurt nobody.
Whoo, yeah, boy! Mm!
Uh don't you think
you better help
Ellie in the kitchen?
Naw, she does
very well by herself.
( laughing)
( clears throat)
( sighing): Ah, boy
( smacks lips, sniffs)
Hmm?
Oh, uh
let me, uh, let me give
you a hand, Eleanor.
( clears throat)
Well, Thelma Lou,
looks like you and me
are alone together at last.
( nervous laugh)
Hey, Barney, you want some pie?
Yeah. Pie's fine. I'll have pie.
( both laugh nervously)
( clears throat)
Well, where were we?
You want some
cheese on your pie?
Uh, cheese is
fine. A little cheese.
You want cream and
sugar in your coffee?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Cream and sugar
and pie and cheese
and I'll get it myself!