The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e22 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy
with three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group must
somehow form a family ♪
That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch ♪
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
MARCIA: "Every time
I see him on television
"I just feel wow!
"Desi Arnaz Jr.
"He's so cute.
"And my dream of dreams
is to be Mrs. Desi Arnaz Jr."
Until tomorrow.
Well, I hope you can get something
with these old books.
Any kind of salvage is just fine, lady.
The Flora and the Fauna
of Northwestern Australia.
That was my husband's
brief botany period.
Hi, Mom, what are you
doing with those books?
Getting rid of them.
And your ball just rolled into the garage
if that's what
you're going to ask me next.
That's what I was going to ask next.
Well, thanks for your trouble.
Thank you for the donation, lady.
Hey, mister, you forgot this one.
There. We might as well get rid
of all the old books.
Thanks.
It's got to be here!
It's just got to!
My diary, with my most secret thoughts
it's gone.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Are you looking for something?
Yeah, my di
No, nothing at all.
Oh, nothing, huh?
Well, that shouldn't be too hard to find.
Give me a hint, I've never
looked for nothing before.
Really, Dad,
you don't have to bother.
It's no bother. Bigger than a bread box?
Animal, vegetable or mineral?
Or, do you wear it or do you eat it?
Really, Dad, it's not that important.
Well, whatever it is,
it couldn't have walked off by itself.
Somebody must have taken it.
All right, where is it?
Where is what?
You know what.
How do I know which "what"
unless you tell me what "what"?
My diary hand it over.
What would I be doing with your diary?
Snooping, that's what.
Do I look like the kind of a person
who would stoop so low as
to read someone else's diary?
Yes!
Well, anyway, I didn't.
Are you positive?
I'm not the least bit interested
in your personal secrets, Marcia.
But what's in your diary
you don't want me to read?
Are you kidding?
Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.
Man, it takes real muscles to do that.
Can I try?
Sure.
I guess I'm too young
to have real muscles yet.
All right, if you give it right back
I won't press charges.
What are you talking about?
As if you didn't know.
Bobby, do you know what
she's talking about?
No. Greg, do you know
what she's talking about?
No. Marcia, do you know
what you're talking about?
I certainly do.
Somebody in this room took my diary.
GREG: Your diary!
You mean you actually keep
one of those stupid things?
What is a diary?
It's a book that people write things in
that they don't want
anybody else to read.
Why?
So they can sit down
and write stuff like
"Dear diary, at last I met him
"my dream man.
"It was at the delicatessen
"and our fingers tingled
as we both reached
for the same potato salad."
I never had any ridiculous stuff
like that in my diary.
PETER: You didn't?
I should say not.
Then why are you so worried
somebody might read it?
None of your business!
Now, look, I'll close my eyes
and count to ten,
and when I open them
that diary better be on this desk.
One, two, three,
four, five,
six, seven, eight,
nine, ten!
Hi, Cindy.
Hi.
Are you combing your doll's hair
with my comb?
It's the one you gave me, remember?
Oh, yeah.
You didn't happen
to see my diary, did you?
I don't know if I did or I didn't.
What does that mean?
I don't know what a diary is.
It's a book you write
your innermost thoughts in.
Gee
I never had an innermost thought
in my whole life.
It was about this big and it
had a brown leather cover,
and I had it hidden behind
the sleeping bags in the garage.
Oh, that book.
Sure, I saw it.
You did?
Oh, Cindy, I could kiss you!
What did you do with it?
I gave it to that man.
What man?
The one Mommy gave all
the other old books to.
Oh, no.
Cindy, tell me you didn't.
Okay, I didn't.
But I did.
My confidential, secret feelings
in the hands of a complete stranger.
Cindy Brady, I'll never talk to you again
as long as I live!
How about a cookie?
No, thanks.
I'm not in the mood.
Since when do you have
to be in a special mood
for chocolate chips?
Look, honey, don't think
I don't know how you feel.
Nobody can know.
For your information,
I have been keeping a diary
my whole life.
You really have?
I've recorded every romance
I've had for the last 20 years.
Of course, that's the shortest
chapter in the book,
but there are a few juicy little items
tucked away here and there.
Then you might understand.
I just said I would.
I mean well
if I was to tell you something in secret
would you promise to keep it a secret?
They don't call me Alice Clam-up
for nothing.
Alice, you know Desi Arnaz Jr.?
Oh, you bet I do.
I've seen him on The Lucy Show.
Well, half my diary's about him
how cute he is, how hip.
Oh, you're pretty sharp, Marcia.
I know his mother's housekeeper
and she says that Desi Jr.
Is a real groovy kid.
I knew it!
You can tell by his smile
and soulful eyes;
the way he plays those drums.
Oh, he's with it, all right
way out but not too far.
But I haven't told you
my most secret secret.
I wrote in my diary that
well, I'm just wild about Desi Arnaz Jr.!
My dream of dreams is that
someday I can be Mrs. Desi Arnaz Jr.
But if anybody ever read
that diary, I'd just perish.
I know I will!
( Whistling )
Mr. Brady, I don't suppose
it's really any of my business
Well, even if it isn't, Alice, go on.
Mrs. Brady's gone to the market
and Marcia's in her room in tears.
Alice, I've tried talking to Marcia
only makes her cry louder.
I wasn't talking about talking.
I was talking about action.
Action?
The Friend In Need society
only picked up those books
and Marcia's diary yesterday.
And they probably haven't even
had time to unpack them yet.
Is that what you were going to say?
Word for word.
Why didn't I think of that?
Well, you've probably never kept
a diary, Mr. Brady.
And you've never been a girl.
Have you any idea where
that Friend In Need office is located?
At the corner of Riverton and Eighth.
Good, I'm on my way.
MIKE: Your organization
made a stop at my home
for some cartons of books, see,
and when the man picked up the books
one got in by mistake,
and I'd like to get it back.
That's no problem.
What kind of book was it?
It's a diary.
A diary, huh?
No wonder you're anxious to get it back.
You should know better than
to leave evidence like that
laying around where the
little woman can find it.
Oh, no, you don't understand.
I do, but would the little woman?
First thing you know,
you're going to be sharing
the doghouse with Rover.
It's not my diary.
It happens to belong
to a young lady who
Oh-ho! So your girlfriend keeps a diary,
does she?
You better not let your wife find it.
The young lady
happens to be my daughter.
( Chuckling )
Now, that's a new one.
I've heard them called cousins
and nieces but daughters?
You ought to have that patented.
We seem to be operating
on different wavelengths here.
Look, it's very important
that I get this book back.
Now, may I have it?
Why not? It's your property. Good.
You just tell me where the books are
that came in yesterday.
I hope I don't have to look
through every box in the warehouse.
You wouldn't find it there.
Oh yeah? Why not?
We send old books out
to secondhand bookstores
as soon as we get them in.
And those that came in yesterday
went to Phillips Bookstore
on South Grand.
Thanks.
And some went to
Wentlock's on East Elm,
to Harvard's on Belvedere,
Ye Olde Booke Trove.
Leyton's on Riverside,
the Valley Book Emporium,
Fisher's Used Books on Vineland,
the Old Press on Chase Boulevard,
and Elmo's Drive-in.
Elmo's Drive-in?
Connected with Elmo's Bookstore.
Oh. Listen, this is quite a list.
Yeah. Good luck.
I hope you get the diary back
to your, uh
( chuckles ): Daughter.
Oh, Alice!
Did anything spectacular happen
while I was marketing?
You bet.
Mr. Brady's gone down to
the Friend In Need office
to try and retrieve Marcia's diary.
Well, knowing Mr. Brady, he'll retrieve it.
That's an obvious solution.
Yeah, it certainly was.
Well, look, I'll go spread
the good news, okay?
Okay.
What are you guys doing?
Wrapping up a new diary for Marcia.
A new diary?
Real new. We just
chipped in and bought it.
Well, what does Marcia want
with a new diary?
To write things in nobody
will read, like you said.
A diary's only important
if something's already written in it.
It has to be new sometime.
Yeah. They don't sell new old diaries.
If you start a new diary
you may as well start
a new life to go in it.
Isn't that right, Mom?
Oh, don't ask me, all I heard
was something about starting a new life.
Peter and Bobby want
to give Marcia a new diary.
And he said diaries were only good
if they were already written in.
Well, I think that's the way
Marcia would feel about it.
The old one's the one she wants
and Dad's gone to try and find it.
Where?
The Friend In Need office.
I hope he finds it.
Yeah, having sisters
that don't talk to each other
sure is stupid.
Mommy, what does "tresprass" mean?
"Tresprass"?
Oh, I think you mean "trespass," dear.
Whatever it is, Marcia told me not to do it
on her property.
How will I know if I'm not doing it
if I don't know what it is?
Don't you worry about it, dear.
I'll try to straighten everything out.
Marcia, don't you think
you're carrying this a bit far?
After what she did to me?
She's lucky I even let her
breathe the same air I do.
Well, she is your sister.
Please, Mom, don't remind me.
Guess where Dad is.
Where?
Getting your diary back.
Really and truly?
I'll bet he's on his way home right now.
Oh, you can relax.
I'm sure he won't read it.
How did you know what I was thinking?
One of the many secrets
of motherhood, my dear.
Hi, Cindy.
Hi.
Want a cookie?
No, thanks.
Marcia, you talked to me!
Why shouldn't I?
After all, you're my baby sister.
But I thought you said I ruined your life.
You did, but I forgive you.
Want to play a game of checkers?
Sure. I'll go get them.
MIKE: Hi, honey.
Dad! Did you get the diary?
Did you get it?
Oh, honey, did you find it?
No, it's at one of the
used bookstores downtown.
I don't know which one.
I've checked a number of them so far.
My diary in a used bookstore.
Now, honey.
MARCIA: My private,
most personal emotions
naked on a public display
for anyone to see.
Don't worry, Marcia,
we're going to track it down.
Here's the checkers, Marcia.
Don't you?
Looks like she's not talking to me again.
I wish she'd make up her mind.
Listen, I'm sorry to disappoint her,
but, you know, all hope
isn't exactly lost yet.
I still have a handful
of these bookstores left,
but it would be easier
if I knew what that diary looked like.
Oh, that's easily solved.
Marcia knows what it looks like
and so does Cindy.
So I take Marcia
And I take Cindy,
and we'll split the
bookstores that are left,
and then back to your drafting board.
There.
We split?
May I help you?
Oh, I certainly hope so.
We're looking for a diary.
You came to the right place.
How about Samuel Pepys' Diary?
Or The Diary of Michael Wigglesworth?
Or The Diary
of a Madman?
Now, there is fascinating reading.
I don't doubt it.
But we're looking for a diary
written by Marcia Brady.
Marcia Brady?
I never heard of her.
Any relation to Nicholas Brady,
1659-1726?
Excellent poet.
I'm sure he is.
But Marcia Brady is my daughter.
And my sister.
And her diary
got mixed up in some books
that we gave to the
Friend In Need society.
And I understand that some
of the books might be here.
Oh, yes, they're still in the boxes.
I haven't had time to sort them out.
Well, would you mind if we
took a look for the diary?
Oh, not at all.
I hope it makes interesting reading.
Oh, we're not going to read it.
It's full of secrets.
Oh, all right!
You look to your hearts' content.
Oh, thank you.
Sweetheart, you start over there,
and I'll start here.
Oh, Mommy, here!
The diary?
Alice in Wonderland.
Oh, would you read it to me?
No, we are here to look
for Marcia's diary.
While you read, I'll look.
Now, Cindy, you must have
heard that story a million times.
Yes, but going down that
rabbit hole is so exciting.
Look.
Well, I think we're
out of luck, sweetheart.
There's not a sign of it anywhere.
Don't throw in the towel, Mom.
Where did you hear that expression?
From Greg.
He says that's what fighters do
when they give up.
Well, we've looked in every box.
Not this one over here.
Oh, I didn't notice that one.
Mom, let's throw in the towel.
We didn't have any luck at all.
Even at Elmo's Drive-in.
Heard anything from Mrs. Brady?
Not a word.
( Doorbell chimes )
I'll get it.
I just hope the next kid
who keeps a diary around here
decides to write it on a blackboard.
Daddy, how can you make jokes
at a time like this?
Oh, Marcia,
the world hasn't exactly come
to a catastrophic end, you know?
Well, it has for me.
Marcia, there's somebody to see you.
Me? At the lowest moment of my life?
I'm not sure he knew that.
"He"?
Who is it, Alice?
I didn't catch his name, but
he's waiting in the living room.
Well, okay.
Excuse me.
Maybe an unexpected visitor
will perk up her spirits a little bit.
I'm sure this one will, Mr. Brady.
Desi Arnaz Jr.?
Hi, Marcia.
You must have the wrong house,
Mr. Arnaz,
and the wrong Marcia.
The wrong everything.
Now, wait a minute, don't get uptight.
I've got the right house and the right girl.
You mean it, Mr. Arnaz?
I'm the Marcia Brady you wanted to see?
Yeah. Only don't call me
Mr. Arnaz. I'm Desi.
I can really call you Desi?
Right.
Thanks.
Alice? Hmm?
What would a famous kid like that
want to see Marcia for?
Who knows? Maybe a little bird
whispered in his ear.
I heard that you lost your diary.
How?
Well, one of your sisters
gave it away to some charity.
No, I mean how did you hear it?
Oh, I know. Alice, our housekeeper
told your mother's housekeeper
and that's why you're here.
No, I'll tell you why I'm here.
I'm here to meet my number one fan.
Oh, I sure am.
You know, when I was younger,
I used to think that Captain
Kangaroo was something special.
But compared to you
How about that?
I never thought I'd top Captain Kangaroo.
Desi Arnaz, Jr.!
Wow!
Desi
I'd like you to meet my mother, Mrs
um, Mrs
Mrs. Brady.
Yeah.
Hi.
Glad to know you.
And this is my sister Cynthia.
People call me Cindy.
Hi, Cindy.
Hi.
Marcia, here.
You found my diary!
It was in the last bookshop.
And we didn't even open it.
Thanks so much, Cynthia.
Why don't you run upstairs
and play with Jan?
And, Mother?
Oh yes.
I must have a million things to do.
It was nice meeting you, Desi.
Nice meeting you. Bye-bye.
Bye.
This is it.
My lost diary, see?
Don't worry about what's in that diary.
That's one of the nicest things
about being in show business
an occasional mention in a diary.
You don't think it's silly?
No. I dig diaries.
And girls like you
who write their dreams down.
MARCIA: This is the nicest
surprise I could imagine.
And those are the nicest words
I've ever heard.
Remember you said
I topped Captain Kangaroo
as far as you were concerned?
Yes.
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
I think you're the tops yourself.
Me?
Bye-bye.
I'll never wash this cheek again
as long as I live.
Hi, Marcia, how was school today?
Can I help you with your algebra?
How about an ice-cream soda?
How long can she keep it up?
It's been a week since he kissed her.
Well, after all, he is Desi Arnaz Jr.
Listen, how come
you don't react that way
when I kiss you?
But I do, I do.
Oh, I'll never wash again.