The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e23 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
Starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Opie, what in the
world are you doing?
Coloring.
What?
The house, the rug, or yourself?
Huh?
Look. Look at the mess
you've just made.
Where?
Where?! Why, this room
looks as if a cyclone had hit it.
I declare, Opie, I don't know
what I'm going to do with you.
What's he done now, Aunt Bee?
Oh, "What's he done,
what's he done?"
This boy is far and away
the sloppiest, messiest boy
I ever saw in all my born days.
He hasn't got the
faintest notion of order
or putting things back
where they belong.
Opie, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself,
making a mess like that.
Now, you know better than that.
How do you think
it makes me feel
having your Aunt Bee say
you're the sloppiest,
messiest boy she ever saw?
Why you ough
Andy? Ma'am?
Andy, I take it all back.
He's not the sloppiest,
messiest boy I've ever seen.
He's the second
sloppiest, messiest.
What?
Well, he can't be the first,
as long as you're around.
Me?
Yes, you.
Look. Look at the
mess that you've made.
Gosh, Paw, you're
catching it, too.
Yeah.
Wasn't for me, this house
wouldn't be fit to live in.
This isn't a living room.
This is a combination
closet, warehouse,
waste paper basket,
and storeroom.
And if you think your
bedrooms upstairs are any better,
you're very much mistaken.
And as for you, young man,
the next time you take a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich to your room,
and you don't finish
it, would you mind
having the decency to
put it on the night table,
instead of under your pillow?
Oh, so that's where it went.
( telephone ringing)
Oh, never mind, never mind.
I'll answer it,
I'll I'll answer it.
Hello?
Long distance?
Long distance.
Hello?
Oh! Oh, hello, Edgar.
Cousin Edgar.
Hello.
How are you?
What?
Oh, of course.
Of course, Edgar.
As soon as I can.
Of course!
Oh, Edgar, what are kinfolk for?
The first thing in the morning.
Right. Bye, Edgar.
What's the matter
with Edgar?
It's Maude.
She slept with her
neck in a crane,
the window was open,
and she got the bursitis.
Oh, the bursitis.
The poor thing. She
suffers with it so bad.
Well, the doctor
said it wasn't too bad.
She just has to stay in
bed for a couple of days.
Uh-huh.
I told him I'd go
over and help out.
Well, of course, you can.
So, if I leave the first
thing in the morning
I might stay just
as long as I
Oh, my goodness.
What's the matter?
Oh, heavens, well,
what's this place
going to look like
when I get back?
How are you two going
to manage while I'm gone?
And who's going to feed you?
And who's going to tell
Opie when to take a bath?
And who's going to
see to it that you get
two green vegetables
and one yellow?
And who's going to do
the shopping for you?
And who's going to cook the
Sunday dinner? And who?
( car horn honking)
Oh, dear! Oh, Barney's ready
to drive you to the bus
station. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, who's going
to do the dishes?
Oh, me and Opie'll do
the dishes. Don't worry.
Now, hurry up you'll miss
the bus. I am, I am right now.
Andy, see that Opie takes
a bath every night. Yes'm.
And Opie, see that your father
hangs up his clothes when
he comes home from work.
I'll do it. Andy, don't let him
take any food up to his room.
All right. And if he does,
look under his pillow.
Yes'm. Now, Opie, I want you
to change your
socks every morning.
I want you to brush your teeth,
and I want you to wash
your hands after every meal
and eat all of your cere
Maybe I'd better not go, hmm?
Aunt Bee, you've got to go.
Yes, I suppose so.
Well
Good-bye, Andy.
Bye.
Good-bye, Opie, darling.
I can't go.
I just can't go.
Oh, Aunt Bee, please. Golly!
Oh, dear
oh, dear.
Now, come on.
Oh, you poor boys.
Have a good trip.
Bye, Andy.
Bye, Opie.
Bye, Aunt Bee.
Have a good trip!
Bye! Bye!
Bye! Bye!
( car pulls away)
Boy, she sure does
go on, don't she, Paw?
Yeah, well, that's
'cause she loves us, Opie,
and she worries about us.
Wanting us to be
healthy and comfortable
and well taken care of.
Yeah, but it sure
is going to be nice
to be a messer-upper
again for a couple of days.
No, you ain't, and no, I ain't.
Come on.
No, sir. We're going to be
nice and neat and orderly,
just like Aunt Bee
wants us to be.
We are?
Yes, sir.
And we're going to start
right here in the kitchen
and wash these dishes,
just like I promised Aunt Bee.
Why? She ain't going to be here
to yell at us.
Well, now, you are
looking at it wrong.
See, that's like
saying you milk a cow
to get strong fingers.
That's the wrong
way to look at it.
We ain't going to be
nice and neat and orderly
to please Aunt Bee.
We're going to be nice
and neat and orderly
because that's the
right way to do things.
Now, I'll wash them,
and-and you put them away.
All right?
( humming)
Right over there.
Now, get that one all ready.
( whistling)
There you are, here's another'n.
Opie?
Don't you think it
might be a good idea
if you was to dry them
before you put them away?
I wave them a little
before I put them in
Like this.
That ain't good enough.
Wipe them.
( chuckles)
That there really
is hard to get clean.
I better just save it
till I get more time.
Yeah, boy, Aunt Bee really
is going to be pleased
when she sees how clean
and spic and span everything is.
I thought we wasn't going to
be doing it to please Aunt Bee.
Oh, well, there's no harm
in killing two birds
with one stone, is there?
No, but if I'm going to be
nice and neat and orderly,
I sure would like to
have a good reason.
I told you the reason.
Not with your sleeve.
Oh.
And not with your
handkerchief, either.
Here, look here see that?
Great invention.
Dish towel. Try that.
( chuckles)
( humming)
( plate breaking)
Opie!
I couldn't help it, Paw.
It just kind of slipped
away from me.
Well, all right, but
next time you break one
I surely would appreciate
it if you'd break it
before I go to all the
trouble of washing it.
Okay, Paw, I'll try.
( telephone ringing)
( sighs)
Hello.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right. All right.
I'll be there.
Opie
I got to leave. Somebody
somebody knocked
down the stop sign
the stop sign over
at Spring Street,
and I got to go
over there and fix it.
What about the dishes, Paw?
Well, I'll I'll get
them first chance I get.
I tell you what you can do.
You can kind of pick
up your room a little bit
before you go to school.
Okay, Paw.
Okay, don't be late, now.
I won't, Paw.
Bye. Bye.
Hey, Opie!
Jimmy?
Yeah. Ready to go?
In a minute. I'm in my room.
Come on up!
Opie?
Yeah.
I'm under here.
Boy, you're the littlest
ghost I ever saw!
Just a minute, Jimmy.
I've got to make up my bed.
What are you doing?
Fixing up my room.
Why?
'Cause it's messy, I guess.
Looks okay to me.
Me, too, but I guess
grownups see things we don't.
Can I help you?
Sure. You know,
cleaning up your
room can be fun.
Hey, that looks good enough.
Let's get the blanket.
( grunts)
Hey, Opie, look at this!
Aw, that ain't nothin'!
Look at this!
That ain't so good!
I'll show you how!
I can do it better this time.
Watch this!
Opie, come on, let's
get a little breakfast.
Okay, Paw.
( sighs)
Let's go.
Would you look at this place?
Just look at it!
What's the matter with it, Paw?
What's the matter with it?
Looks like a bunch of
pigs been through here.
No, Paw. Just us.
That's right. Just
us pigs. You and me.
Ain't that a shame?
Aunt Bee gone
just a couple of days
and this place looks
worse than a pigpen.
What should we do, Paw?
Well, we got to do something.
We gonna have to tidy up
and pick up and polish
and sweep and vacuum and
dust and put things away and
Only let's not do it right now.
Good!
Let's get some breakfast first.
It really don't
look so bad, Paw.
You'll get used
to it. ( chuckles)
Would you look at this kitchen?!
Pigs been in here, too, Paw?
It surely does look like it.
We gonna have to
get busy in here, too.
We gonna have to sweep
and mop and pick up
and wash these
dishes and put 'em away
and wash the
pots and the pans
Only let's not do it right now.
Good!
Let's get some breakfast first.
Okay, Paw.
All right, now, you
get some dishes
and set the table,
and I'll whip up
a batch of bacon and eggs.
Paw, there ain't no
plates to set the table with.
Oh.
Well, you know what
you're going to
have to do, Opie?
What, Paw?
Go over to Mrs. Edwards'
and borrow some dishes.
How many?
Well, let's see
get two big plates
and a cup and a
saucer and a glass
and-and-and-and get some
knives and forks and spoons
and-and two frying pans
One for the bacon
and one for the eggs.
( phone rings)
Wait, wait a minute.
Hello?
Long long distance?
It's long distance.
Must be Aunt Bee
calling from Mt. Pilot.
( clears throat)
( yelling): Hello!
Hello, Andy?
It's me, Aunt Bee,
calling from Mt. Pilot.
It's Aunt Bee
calling from Mt. Pilot.
Hello!
I'm fine, just fine.
He's fine, just fine.
He's standing right
here beside of me.
You want to talk to him?
Come here, Opie.
Say hello say hello
to your Aunt Bee.
Hi, Aunt Bee! How are ya?
Fine, just fine.
Here's Paw again.
Hello?
Hello, Andy.
Is everything all right?
Is everything in order?
In order? Uh, well,
of course,
everything's in order.
Mm-hmm. I can imagine.
The living room is a mess
with papers and
clothes and toys,
and the kitchen's even worse.
The sink is piled high
with pots and pans.
And Come on,
now, tell the truth.
That's what it's like, isn't it?
Uh, well well, no, Aunt Bee.
Everything's just-just
fine and dandy.
Mm-hmm.
Well, Andy, I called to tell you
Maude's feeling much better,
and I'll be coming home
by the afternoon bus.
Oh, well, that's fine, Aunt Bee.
We certainly are looking
This afternoon?
Yes. Why?
Oh, n-nothing.
We'll meet you at
the bus station. Bye.
Bye.
( groans)
Opie, Aunt Bee's
coming in this afternoon.
She is?!
Yeah.
I told her everything
was in order.
Can you imagine
what she's going to say
when she sees the
place looking like this?
Uh-huh. She'll say, "Land
sakes alive, look at this house!
"Just look at it!
If it wasn't for me, this
house wouldn't be fit to live in."
( chuckles): Yeah.
We wouldn't want her
to say that, would we?
No.
All right. Let's get busy, then.
You get your room,
I'll get the kitchen,
and we'll both
get the living room.
Okay, Paw.
Okay. Oh, and, Opie.
Yes, Paw?
Now, if the underside
of your pillow looks like
a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich,
don't just scrape
it off; change it.
I will, Paw.
That's a mighty fine job
you did on your room, Opie.
Sure is, Paw.
We really did it, didn't we?
Sure did, Paw.
Yeah, this place
looks neat as a pin.
Sure does, Paw.
It makes you
feel good, don't it?
Kind of a warm feeling
right in the middle
of your stomach,
lightness around your heart,
your head two or three
feet above your shoulders.
You know why you're feeling
that way, don't you, boy?
'Cause I'm pooped.
Naw, we feel good
'cause we know how happy
it's going to make Aunt Bee
when she sees what we done.
Yeah. Boy, is she
going to be happy
when she finds out
we can get along
pretty good without her.
Yeah. Boy, she'll look around
she'll see this place
and how clean
What did you say?
I said how happy she'll be
when she finds out
we can get along without her.
Yeah, that's what
I thought you said.
What's the matter, Paw?
I think we made a
terrible mistake, son.
We did, Paw? How?
Well, let's see how
can I explain it to you?
Oh, oh which one would
make you feel worse
If I was to say to you
"Opie, do this and do that"
'cause I needed your help?
Or if I was to say to you,
"Opie, I don't need you"?
Paw, you do, too, need me.
Well, of course I do.
The point is, you want
to be needed, see?
And so does Aunt Bee,
and so does everybody else.
And see, that's where
we made our big mistake
By getting this place
all spic and span,
we're going to give
Aunt Bee the feeling
that she ain't needed.
You, uh you know
what we got to do, boy?
We got to mess
this place up again?
That's right. We got to
let them pigs back in here.
Okay, Paw. Here goes.
Whew! You know,
it's near 'bout as tiring
to mess a place up
as it is to un-mess it.
Yeah, but it sure
is a lot more fun.
Aint it? We better get on down
to the bus station.
Aunt Bee's about due in.
( sighs)
( chuckles)
Yes, sir, we surely
did a mighty fine job.
Ain't it a dinger, Paw?
Yes, sir.
MISS EDWARDS: Hi, Andy.
Well, hey, Miss
Edwards. How are you?
Morning, Opie. Hi!
I'm just fine, Andy.
Oh, I stopped by to see
when Bee's coming back, Andy.
Well, now, ain't
that a coincidence?
We was just on our way to
the bus station to meet her.
Why don't you stop by this
evening and say hello to her?
I'll do that.
You'll excuse us?
We'll be late. Sure.
OPIE: Bye.
( car starts)
Oh!
Oh! Did you ever
see such a house?
( clucks tongue): Poor Bee.
( sighing): Well
All right.
Come on, young'un.
Oh, Aunt Bee, we
surely did miss you.
We surely did.
Yes, sir, Aunt Bee,
we surely did miss you.
Did you miss us?
Oh, terribly, and I
worried about you, too,
but your paw told
me over the phone
how well you were managing.
Well, I'm glad.
I only hope I can
get the door open.
Oh, Aunt Bee, before you go in,
I didn't get too much
time to clean up.
Oh, now, stop worrying.
We'll clean it up
with a mop and a pail
and a bulldozer.
Well
I'm sorry, Aunt Bee.
We really should
have taken time to, uh
Why it looks fine.
Just fine.
Wonderful, the way
you've managed.
Why, the house looks as good
better than I could
have done myself.
Well, that ain't our fault.
We went through
Oh, now, don't be modest, Opie.
You and your Paw did a fine job.
Well, I guess I
could have stayed
at cousin Edgar's
a little longer,
seeing as how well
you got along without me.
We we didn't really get along
without you, Aunt Bee.
Oh, yes. Yes, you did, Andy.
The house looks just beautiful.
( voice breaking):
Makes me very happy.
I'm I'm so proud of you boys.
I'm I'm so proud
and happy that
I could
Aunt Bee, we didn't
get along that good.
Really, we didn't.
We're kind of surprised, too.
I I mean
( clattering)
What was that?
What was what?
That noise.
What noise?
What noise?
Andy, you heard
that as well as I did.
It sounds as if it's
coming from Opie's room.
Well, Aunt Bee, don't
go up there just yet.
Why not?
Well, Opie's room
might be a mess,
and he might be
trying to pick it up
before you see it.
Well, what would he do that for?
What am I here for?
Opie, you stop whatever
that is you're doing!
Opie, you keep a-going!
Ah! Thought you
could get it out of there
without my seeing it, did you?
No, I thought I could
You thought you'd try to
put something over on me.
Well, you can't, young man!
Why, just look at this room!
( dishes clattering)
Your father, he's trying
to clean up the kitchen.
Aha! Caught you
red-handed, too, didn't I?
Oh, I-I guess you did, Aunt Bee.
Look at this place!
Just look at it!
Well, I'm sorry, but
when you called to say
you was coming
in this afternoon,
me and Opie just had
time to do the parlor.
Oh, and you thought you'd
clean up the rest behind my back?
Well, Andy Taylor, a
body'd have to get up
mighty early in the morning
to put one over on Bee Taylor.
Yes, sir, a body surely would.
Land sakes alive!
Look at this room!
Just look at I
don't know what to do
with the two of you.
You're helpless,
absolutely helpless.
If it wasn't for me,
this house wouldn't
be fit to live in.
Well, it's a good
thing I didn't stay
with Maude a little longer.
I wouldn't have been
able to get into the house.
I just don't know
when or where to begin.
( knocking on door)
Come in.
Yoo-hoo! Bee!
Hello, Bertha.
Hello, Bee.
Hello, Andy.
Hey, Miss Edwards.
Oh, it's so good
to have you home again, Bee.
Oh it's good to see you, Bertha.
Come on over here and sit down.
Well
how did you find the house
when you got home, Bee?
The house? Oh, Bertha,
you wouldn't believe it.
It looked as if it hadn't
seen a dust mop or a broom
since the day I left.
What?
Oh, worse. It looked
as if it had been
taken care of by somebody
who would be more
at home in a pigpen.
Well
Well!
( door slams)
Well, what did I
say that was wrong?