The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e23 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group must
Somehow form a family
That's the way they all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
( Pop music blaring )
( Music blaring )
( Music blaring )
( Music blaring )
( Screams )
Why don't you knock
before you come in?!
I almost knocked the door down!
You're playing your records so loud,
you're knocking plaster off the walls!
All right, what is going?
( Kids shouting )
All right, all right.
What happened up here?
He came into this room
when I was dressing!
He didn't even knock or anything!
He just barged in.
I did so knock! I pounded on the door!
What did you want?
To get into the bathroom.
Through the girls' room?
The other door is locked.
They always forget, and
leave it locked on the inside.
So do you guys,
and then we can't get in!
And those girls are
always in the bathroom!
There are three of us.
Well, there are three of us, too!
And they use our closets!
Girls have more clothes!
Kids, please.
Mom, we need a bigger house.
With another bathroom.
Well, I think the kids
have a point, darling.
I mean, after all, you have
added a wife and three kids,
and you still have
the same number of rooms.
I think these threads are worn.
There are six kids in two bedrooms.
You know, I may have
to have this thing rethreaded.
And one bathroom.
I paid a lot of money for these, too.
Mike,
you are not listening to me.
Oh, of course I'm listening, honey.
I'm a man of many talents.
I can fix andirons and listen
to wives at the same time.
Then what do you think
about a bigger house?
Carol, we've talked about this before,
and I know we have a problem,
but we've even looked at other houses.
We could never find one that
we could agree on or afford.
And I think, until we do,
we just can't make a change.
We absolutely can't.
Okay, locked again.
Will you please unlock this door?
( Pounding continues )
Do you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to break this door down.
Dad will kill you.
That'll still leave five kids
and give you a little extra room.
Marcia, will you unlock this door?
It's not Marcia, it's Jan,
and I'm doing my hair.
Doing her hair!
To go to bed?!
There are three men waiting
out here to brush their teeth!
Open up! Open up right now!
JAN: No, Greg, no.
Just stay out of here.
( Pounding continues )
GREG: Open up!
This larger house we
haven't found or can't afford
did you say "absolutely"?
Yes, absolutely.
But not positively.
Well, Alice, the kids
do need more bedrooms,
and you know we need
another bathroom.
The old McIntyre house up
on the hill has lots of rooms.
It's old, but it could be fixed up.
It's been for sale for years.
I wonder why they've never
been able to sell that house.
For the same reason
the McIntyres moved out:
It's haunted.
Haunted?
Oh, Alice.
No, I knew the cook.
She said a lot of weird
things went on up there.
Voices in the night, chains rattling,
lights going off and on.
Now, Alice, surely you
don't believe that nonsense.
The cook did. Left the McIntyres flat.
Now, you know as well as I do
that there's no such thing as ghosts.
Maybe not, but they were never
able to explain those voices
eerie voices, calling, calling, calling.
MIKE: Carol!
Oh, I do wish he wouldn't do that.
Oh, honey, you scared me.
( laughing )
Oh!
Oh, I'm glad you're home.
Hey, you're going to be even gladder
when you hear the news.
You remember that old house
in Woodley Hills
we've had our eye on
but hasn't been for sale?
The green one with the gables?
Oh, no. The white one with the shutters.
Oh, that one.
Yeah, I loved it.
Yeah. It came on the market.
I made an offer this afternoon.
Oh who's going to dig
the tunnel into the mint?
( Chuckling ): The
financing's all figured out.
Really? Yeah.
Well, thank goodness we don't have
to knock off your grandfather.
No, honey. Listen.
It really isn't that much.
Property values have gone up so much
we ought to make it up in
the profit off of this one, see?
I talked to Bert Grossman,
the real estate broker.
He says no problem.
Y-you're serious about this. I mean
Yeah.
This is for real?
Cross my heart, and hope
to make the payments.
Bert's coming over tonight
to sign some papers
about listing this house "For Sale."
And, besides the extra room
in the other house,
it's going to be
a very exciting experience,
because you're going to
be making new friends,
you're going to be going to a new school,
and you're going to be closer to the park.
And the real estate man's
coming to look at this house tonight.
So, you'd better
have your rooms picked up.
Yeah, okay. What do you say?
New home for the Brady bunch, huh?
( All cheering )
You think they'll sell
this house right away?
Sure! It's a real nice house.
It gives me a funny feeling
to think of somebody else in our room
even though it hasn't been
our room very long.
It does, sort of.
I wonder if it'll miss us.
I feel sorry for it.
Don't. Some nice girls will move in.
What if it's a mean old man?
I wonder what it'll be like
living in the other house?
That's a dumb question.
Well, we've never lived
anyplace else but here.
It'll be just like this
only better 'cause there's more rooms.
We've had some fun times in this house.
Yeah.
Hey, Pete, remember the night
you ran into the bathroom door
and they had to take four stitches
on your nose?
Yeah. And the dent's still in the door.
And the time Bobby tried to
climb up the television lead-in.
Yeah, and the antenna came down
and hit me right on the head.
You had a bump on your head
for three weeks.
GREG: Hey, what about the time
I fell off the garage roof
Right through the top
of Dad's new convertible.
I busted three ribs
and the gear shift handle.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
We've had some good times
in this house.
It's going to be kind of
lonesome without the boys.
Nobody to talk to.
Nobody to fight with.
Nobody even to pound
on the bathroom door.
If you never had three brothers before,
you'd probably miss them more
when you don't have them
than if you'd had three brothers before.
What?
She means we'll feel like orphans.
Orphans don't have mothers and fathers,
not brothers.
Well, then, what are you
when you don't have brothers?
Lonesome.
You know something?
I really like this house
better than the other one.
We haven't even seen the new one yet.
Dad says he's going to have it renovated.
I won't live in a house that's renovated.
You don't even know
what the word means.
I don't care.
I like it here.
So do I.
It's unanimous.
Good. I know what
"un-Nana-mus" means
even if I can't pronounce it too good.
( Doorbell rings )
Alice, that's Mr. Grossman,
the real estate broker.
Now, when he comes through,
try to look happy.
Happy, not hysterical.
( Doorbell rings again )
Honey, does the house
smell like cabbage to you?
No, honey, the house smells fine.
It looks great.
Hi, Bert, come on in.
Nice to see you.
Hello, Mike, good to see you.
You remember my wife Carol?
Why, sure, nice to see you again.
Oh, say, this is
a beautiful room, Mrs. Brady.
Thanks.
I'm afraid we're really going to miss it
everything.
Well, the other house is nice, too,
with a lot more space.
I know, Mike's taken me through it.
Yeah, half a dozen times.
No, it's going to be fine.
What about this house
have you talked it over?
Shall I find a buyer?
Yeah, guess so.
Yeah, we're ready to sell, Bert.
And in the other house,
the kitchen is bigger
and yellow, bright yellow.
How depressing.
Yellow, depressing?
Well, this whole thing
kind of depresses me, Mrs. Brady.
I got my routine all worked out here.
I don't know if I'll be able
to function someplace else.
But, Alice, you will function, won't you?
I mean, just because we're moving,
you're not going to leave?
Oh. Me, leave the Brady family?
You couldn't get rid of me if you tried.
I'm a 120-pound boomerang.
120 pound?
Mmm, more or less.
I'm going to take some
cookies in to Mr. Brady
before the kids get a radar fix on them
and it's good-bye, Charlie.
That's very thoughtful of you, Alice,
but Mr. Brady isn't home
tonight, remember?
Come to think of it,
there was an empty place
at the dinner table.
You know, he has meetings in town
almost every night this week.
( Eerie moaning )
What was that?
It sounded like a cow
died in the driveway.
( Eerie moaning fades )
Now it sounds human
like somebody in agony!
Alice, that doesn't sound human.
Oh, no inhuman?
Alice, that's not what I meant.
Greg's in the next room.
I'm going to ask him
if he heard something.
Mrs. Brady, you forgot
the good-bye Charlies.
( Switches TV off )
Hey, what gives?
Greg, Alice and I
were just talking in the kitchen.
We sure were.
And we heard something.
We sure did.
It was something like a moan.
It sure was.
Did you hear anything?
Nope, I was watching TV.
That's why he didn't hear it, Mrs. Brady,
that inhuman moaning
Alice, will you stop that?
( Moaning resumes )
( Fades )
That's the inhuman moan.
That's Tiger howling at the moon.
Well, thank goodness
we still have a man around the house.
( Moaning )
( Cookies rattling )
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy, Mom!
That terrible noise
woke us up! Oh
What do you suppose it was?!
( loud creaking )
Or is.
Well, sometimes a loose board
will make a house creak.
You sound just like Daddy.
( Creaking )
( Door bangs shut )
BOTH: What was that?!
I bu he well
it's probably the wind
uh, banging a-against the shutters.
That'd be a good guess, Mrs.
Brady, if there was a wind
or we had shutters.
Hey, nice and steady today, Alice?
Mrs. Brady told me how upset
you were last night.
When I finally got to sleep,
I slept like a rock.
A frightened rock.
Before I got to sleep
did you hear that strange creaking?
I certainly did, Alice.
Mike, there's got to be some explanation
for all these strange sounds.
I haven't heard any strange sounds.
Yeah, that's right you
got home after they stopped.
Well, there is an explanation, all right:
The ghost in the McIntyre house
has got tired of living alone
and moved in where there's more action.
Oh, Alice, even if you're
joking, that's absurd.
Well, if I'm not joking, it's not absurd.
You should have heard
those kids this morning
before they left for school.
They were as scared as I was.
Every house settles a little bit,
especially after the rainy season.
These odd little noises you heard
are probably just that.
You and I certainly have
a different opinion
of what are odd little noises, Mr. Brady.
Mike, when a house is settling,
does it kind of, uh, uh
moan and-and-and rattle?
Moan and rattle?!
Well every house has a distinctive way
of settling, honey, yeah.
All I got to say is
I sure hope our new house
is settled finally before we get there.
Oh, no
Now what? Now what?
Th-Th-The light in the oven.
It's blinking something in Morse code.
I'll-I'll-I'll bet the word is "trouble."
I'll bet the word's "defective switch."
I'll check it later.
How about sooner?
There's something about
an oven winking at me
that gives me the creeps.
Mr. Brady, I sure wish you were
going to be here tonight
to hear some of those strange
little noises for yourself.
I wish I was, too.
But it's simpler to meet
these new clients downtown.
Well, listen, my friend,
if we hear any more
of those strange noises,
you are going to get
an emergency phone call.
( Western playing on TV )
Boy, did that sheriff have guts.
Yea, most sheriffs do.
You really got to have them
to live around here anymore.
All those icky noises.
( Metallic banging )
That wasn't an icky noise.
That was a crash.
( Metallic banging )
And that was another.
Peter, go on out on the patio
and have a look around
and see what happened.
Me?
Yeah, you're one of the men
in this family.
I'm only the middle boy.
Okay, I'll go look.
Not alone, Alice, I'll go with you.
Attaboy.
( Clicks TV off )
I thought Alice was in here with you.
She's out on the patio with Peter.
There was a terrible noise outside, Mom.
It sounded like a knight
in shining armor fell down.
( Sighs )
Alice
( shrieks )
Mrs. Brady Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to frighten you.
Is the McIntyre banshee
on the loose again?
There's something out here, Mom.
Three very definite crashes.
I'll say there were.
Greg was helping me
with that flat tire on my bike
when we heard them.
Maybe Tiger's wrestling
with those garbage cans again.
Oh, it can't be.
Tiger's sleeping in the house tonight.
In the house? Why?
He was getting spooked by
all those funny noises.
Just like everybody else.
After all, he's only human.
( Metallic crashing )
BOTH: Four!
I think we'd better
take another look around.
All of us?
There's safety in numbers.
Come on, Alice.
( Crickets chirping )
Listen, I think the only thing out here
are four very vivid imaginations.
With good ears.
Remember what you told Mr. Brady?
If we heard any strange sounds tonight,
he was going to get an emergency call?
Alice
you have just read my mind.
Darling, I told you,
there is no possible way
that I could keep the house from settling.
No, honey, look, just relax.
Now, my client is a little late,
but I'll be home as soon as I can.
Okay, honey.
Okay. Good-bye.
Bye.
What did he say?
He said for us to relax.
Now, Alice, you go on to bed.
You were up late last night,
and besides, all the kids are tucked in.
Well, what about you?
Well, I'll just go sit
until Mr. Brady comes home.
Well, I'll keep you company.
Alice I'm a big girl,
and I'm well able to take care of myself.
Now, you go on to bed.
Scram. Get some shut-eye, shoo.
( Mysterious creaking, groaning )
Well, it looks like
here we go again.
If this house is settling
like Mr. Brady says,
it's certainly settling for a long stay.
( Doorbell ringing )
I'll get it, honey.
Hi, Bert, come on in.
What's the good word?
Well, the good word is good.
I may have a buyer for you.
Hey! Make any difference to him
if the house moans
and groans and creaks
and has unexplained slamming doors?
Do you mean to tell me that this house
you built and bragged about for so long
is beginning to shiver its timbers?
No, no, all highly exaggerated, Bert.
The family thinks it's haunted.
( Wearily ): That's marvelous.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Listen, when the man
of the house is gone,
as I have been for the past few evenings,
I'll tell you, two women and six kids
can hear every noise in the world
that never existed.
Oh, I am relieved.
I mean, haunted houses
just aren't selling very well these days.
Bert, the only thing
that's haunting this house
is the last rainy season.
You mean it leaks?
No, no, no, it's just settling a little.
You know, creaking.
Like every other house
in the neighborhood.
Bert, there's not a crack in this plaster.
Well, that's good, because my
one client, Mrs. Hunsaker,
who liked the house from the outside,
would like to drop by this evening
and take a look at the inside.
And I would like them both
to be together when she sees them.
Don't worry, Bert, they will be.
Good. Well, I'll be back
with her then about 8:00.
Well, I'll try to be here then, too.
This is the last evening I have
to work downtown for awhile,
but Carol will be here, of course.
All right. Well, then I'll see you then.
Okey-doke.
Bye, Bert.
BERT: Bye.
All right.
Now, you've all heard Peter's report.
Tonight is really the night.
Mr. Grossman will be here
with his client at 8:00.
I'll handle the tape recorder
and play the tape
with the unexplained noises.
Peter
you're in charge
of white sheets
and ghostly appearances.
Jan, you're on slamming doors
and windows.
And Marcia, on outside crashes.
What about me and Cindy?
You did a great job
of acting scared last night
with Mom and Alice.
Report to Peter for spectral duty.
What does that mean?
Peter will explain it to you.
If you'll explain it to me.
It's ghosts, ghosts.
Do you really think
we should do it anymore?
I mean, Mom and Dad really
want to sell the house now.
And it's because of us, isn't it?
And we're still us, aren't we?
My, it is attractive, isn't it?
A quality house all the
way through, Mrs. Hunsaker.
Yes, I can see that.
Oh, I love that staircase.
And there's a marvelous place
for my grand piano.
Of course, I'll want Mr. Hunsaker to
( spooky moaning )
What in the world was that?
Oh, maybe some wind
through the willow grove.
( Crashing and clattering )
That was no wind
through a willow grove.
Would you believe steeple chimes?
Well, at least you'll always be able
to tell what time it is.
( Spooky moaning )
( Metallic clanking )
( Crashing )
Explain that, Mr. Grossman.
All houses settle a little, Mrs. Hunsaker.
You know, my husband,
Mr. Brady, he's an architect,
and he's always telling me
that houses do settle
just a little bit.
Now, look
ghost-begone anti-witchcraft charm,
if you ever worked, work now.
Oh, Mike, thank goodness you're home.
Mrs. Hunsaker,
this is my husband, Mr. Brady.
Mrs. Hunsaker; Hi, Bert.
Well, have you had the royal tour?
Well, what I haven't seen,
I've heard, Mr. Brady.
( Screaming )
That was no house settling.
Believe me, Mrs. Hunsaker,
there's a rational explanation
for all these noises you
apparently heard this evening.
There is?
Oh, I yes, there is.
That sounded like
Alice, our housekeeper.
She probably saw a mouse
or something.
Not a mouse, Mr. Brady.
There are no mice
in this house, Mrs. Hunsaker.
Excuse me, while I catch some ghosts.
Just a second.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Well, I might have known.
I must say, you people
celebrate Halloween
at a strange time of year.
Mrs. Hunsaker, Mr. Grossman
these are our two youngest ghosts.
Cindy and Bobby.
What are you two doing?
Listen, what's behind all this?
Hi I guess I'm the head ghost leader.
Mrs. Hunsaker, this
is our oldest son, Greg.
Who has a little explaining to do.
You're not going to like it.
That's right, I'm not.
Explain anyway.
When we found out
haunted houses weren't selling so good,
we decided to haunt this one.
To, um, frighten off prospective buyers?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, of all the
No. I think it's lovely.
And very touching.
Children who love their home so much
they'd go to such lengths to protect it
You're very understanding,
Mrs. Hunsaker.
Oh, my dear, I raised my own family.
Mr. Grossman, I strongly suspect
this house is no longer for sale.
Did you hear that, all you other ghosts?
The house is no longer for sale.
( Kids cheering )
Oh, great.
Way to go!
Who put the holes in the sheets?
( Sighs )
Oh, num-num.
It certainly is quiet
and peaceful now, isn't it?
Nothing like putting six spooks to bed
to calm a place down.
Hey, I just talked to Bert Grossman.
You know he took Mrs. Hunsaker over
to the other house after they left here.
They're going back
tomorrow with her husband.
She loves it.
Oh, honey, that's great.
I'm glad everything worked out so well.
Those kids
Can you imagine them going
to all that trouble
haunting the house?
They had you going
for awhile there, honey.
Oh, they did not.
Oh, Mike, don't be silly.
Yeah, they did, come on.
You know I don't believe
in witches and ghosts
and all that nonsense.
( Strange creaking )
What was that?
I didn't hear a thing.
( Creaking continues )
There. I didn't hear a thing again.
Don't worry, honey.
That was the house settling.
Oh!