The Troop (2009) s01e23 Episode Script

Stockley Be careful, Hayley,
that Peruvian Swamp Slug
can bite.
Hayley Bite?
This thing hasn't moved
in the last 20 minutes.
How does he even hunt?
Ha, does it bore
its victims to death?
This robot has been keeping
HQ safe for quite a while now,
until it met its match.
A monster broke it?
No, a squirrel chewed
through its wiring.
But now,
[robot whirs]
good as new.
Guardbot Error, error,
error, error
Stop that!
Don't yell at him!
I was yelling at you!
Okay!
Guardbot Error, error
Felix No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no
Ow!
Oow!
[gasp]
Ahh, it bit my hand.
Are you sure it didn't
just bore your hand?
Don't worry, the poison
is very mild.
Poison?
Eh, Felix,
have you found that thing yet?
You know it's worth
over a million dollars.
Whoa, Mr. Stockley,
pump the brakes.
I almost got it.
[guardbot beeps]
Guardbot Circuits
overloading.
Malfunction immanent.
These aren't the droids
you're looking for.
Danger!
Will Robinsonerror.
Error, error, error
[beeps and zaps]
Okay! I got it.
Hayley Hah.
I know artificial
intelligence is hard, Felix,
but there's more brain
power in my watch
than there is in that robot.
Guardbot You're
very kind, sir.
Do you want to know
what time it is in Lima?
Not now, you rascal.
Felix Mr. Stockley,
I'm doing the best I can,
but these building materials
aren't exactly cutting edge.
Stockley Hey, I remember
those guys.
They smelled weird
and giggled a lot.
Look, there are boxes of new,
high-tech components
from International HQ.
They're all down
in the basement closet.
Help yourself.
Really?
When did that get here?
Stockley Same day
as the ice cream maker.
We've had this stuff
for over a month?
Well, you know how it is,
you start making ice cream
and suddenly things just
don't seem so urgent.
Hayley Okay, wait.
So when you said the poison
was mild, what did
you mean exactly?
Ha ha, it's virtually
all side effects.
Uh-oh.
Okay, I have a Young Faces
of America speech contest
tomorrow, so what?
Am I gonna turn purple,
grow a third arm?
No, no.
Don't be silly.
Ha, well the winner gets
to go to Washington, DC
for the finals.
Oh, and if you win that,
they name a hurricane
after you.
Just imagine the headlines:
"Thousands Without Power
in the Wake of Hayley."
Ha, take that,
college applications.
No, no.
You're just going to develop
juicy mouth which is an over
production of saliva.
And you're also going to get
intermittent flyaway arms
where your arms just
sort ofdrift up.
And you'll probably
have some hair pain.
But, ah, none of these
are permanent, right?
Stockley No, no.
You'll be fine!
Yeah, I better be fine.
I mean, I really want to win
that ssspeeeech conteeessst.
[snores]
No, Mommy.
What? What?
Oh
Have you been here all night?
Yeah, I was working
on the new guardbot
which is awesome.
Come.
Awesome.
Is it like nine feet tall with
foot lasers and nose rockets?
Well, better.
See the real problem was the AI,
the artificial intelligence,
so instead of writing
a code from scratch
Huh?
Instead of, instead
of writing a new code,
I took it from a video game.
You can say it.
I'm a genius.
Sure.
So
where is it?
Guess it wandered off.
[Hayley slurring words]
So when I woke up,
I had the worst hair pain ever.
I know it sounds silly but,
I mean, what's a girl to do?
Ha ha ha!
Whoa!
Felix Hi, guys.
Ah, what's going on?
Should I shoot one of you?
Jake, Hayley,
I want you to meet our new
guardian for Troop HQ.
I gave him the most awesome
name I could think
most awesome name
I could think of
behold,
Felix
bot.
What is up?
Jake Wow, he talks
in a normal voice.
Shouldn't he be more like
"My name is Felixbot.
What is your wish, master?
Zizz".
I'm confusing robot and
genie again, aren't I?
We just met, Jake,
but I'm guessing confusion
isn't new for you.
[laughter]
Felix What!
What!
Wow, strong.
Not as strong as the man
who programmed my come back
insult algorithm.
Hah, he's got a lot
of bells and whistles.
Hayley (slurred words) Felix,
this is like totally amazing.
Felixbot If I may
be so bold,
you're pretty amazing yourself.
What?
Felix, your robot's
hitting on me.
Okay, ah, we have about five
minutes to get to P.E., so
Right.
Ah!
It's Wednesday, that
means it's dodge ball.
I hate dodge ball.
It won't be that bad.
The new balls are softer.
They don't bruise as bad
as the old ones.
I just wish I could send
Felixbot to stand in for me.
No, Felix, I think
that's a bad idea.
Just take your
thumping and move
Felix Shhh, shhh
Felixbot, would you
like to play a game?
If you get ganged
up on, just cover up.
Felix does the same.
Make like the beetle.
Get in the fetalposition.
If I understand
the rules correctly,
and there is no chance
that I do not,
everything will be fine, Jake.
Boy Let's do this, Klondike!
[whack]
[whack]
[thud]
[Felix grunts]
I'm good at dodge ball.
Jake That was awesome!
I'm so use to protecting you.
It's nice to see you can
play as well as me now.
That is not true, Jake.
I am much, much better
than you at this.
[sobs, slurs words]
This is the worst.
My hair hurts and I have
a super juicy mouth.
Stockley Good morning
to you too, Hayley.
And I have flyaway arms.
Okay, well, there's
a solution for that.
See?
Problem solved.
Mr. Stockley, please!
This is turning me
into a total nerd.
[whimper]
I don't see it.
This is an
unmitigated disaster.
Calm down.
Maybe you do look a little
nerdy, but it's only temporary.
But my speech!
I have to win the contest.
I have to see D.C.
Well, who else is speaking?
No one.
I'm unopposed but still,
I mean I could
Stockley Okay, okay, I can
see this of concern to you,
so I'm going to make you a
promise, a Mr. Stockley promise,
a good as gold,
take it to the bank,
rock-solid promise that
everything's going to be okay.
Okay?
Oooh, thanks, Mr. Stockley.
[sobs]
So, Darla, did you
get the homework
from Ms Helmsley's class?
Yeah, it's super tough.
We have to write an essay
on the chapter we read.
We read something?
Ha, Jake, you're fun.
Your voice pattern reflects
a high degree of stress.
A girl as pretty as you,
shouldn't be worried
about anything.
Dude, we were sort of
I'm very comfortable
with all my course work
should you require any
help with anything.
Dude!
What is the cause
of your agitation?
You, robot.
You're stepping on my moves.
I like this girl.
She has many
favorable qualities.
I like her as well.
You're not allowed
to like her.
You are a ro-bot.
Felix Hey, guys.
I saw the dodge
ball game from HQ.
It was awesome!
Yeah, until Johnny Microwave
here stole Darla from me,
right in front of my face.
What?
Wow, I'm sorry, Jake.
I'll talk to him.
Good.
Talk to you later.
Is it true?
You stole a girl from Jake?
Yes.
Awesome!
Ah, no wait, no, it's not cool
to steal a girl from a friend.
What if Darla
Robinson expresses
a preference towards you?
Darla Robinson likes
me better than him?
It would seem so.
It's her choice.
How can you be blamed for that?
I suppose you're right.
Good job!
[slap]
Arghh!
So strong.
I keep forgetting.
The next logical step
would be to speak with her
after school and
establish a rapport.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I can talk about
a lot of things,
if I don't throw
up on her first.
Maybe, perhaps,
I could speak with her.
For consistency.
Are you sure?
Cause it's always been
my dream to, you know,
kind of talk to somebody like
Darla, you know, a girl.
I shall let you know the next
appropriate time to proceed.
Good idea, Felixbot.
You should get
out of sight again.
We would want anybody
to see us together.
Right.
Ah, yeah, I'll go back to HQ
and you finish my classes.
I can't believe it.
I'm
cool.
[school bell rings]
Nerd.
Here you go.
[slurs]
Glasses?
They're beautiful.
[girls laugh]
Hayley (slurs) Mr. Stockley,
this is the last straw!
Hayley, please,
speak over the plants.
At least they'll get some water.
You gave me
a Stockley promise.
I'm working on it.
Jake Look, I'll cut you
some slack because you're
only a day old and you're
not actually human,
but that doesn't mean you're
allowed to be a jerk.
My protocol has mentioned
no taboos against
talking to girls, Jake.
You are on thin ice, robot.
Is everything
all right over here?
Felixbot Just a mere
misunderstanding
between two good friends,
Ms. Helmsley.
Notable only for
its prosaicness.
[laughter]
Felix, you are a rare bird.
Have you thought about entering
the Young Faces of America
speech contest?
I do love any opportunity
to displace superiority,
Ms. Helmsley.
When is it?
It's today.
I know that's sort notice.
He couldn't do it anyway.
Our friend, Hayley,
is entered in that
so there's a conflict.
Ms. Helmsley No one likes
a contest with only one entry.
I agree, Ms. Helmsley.
Let's talk.
Let's.
[slurps]
Jake Dude!
Everyone likes Felixbot
but he's being a big jerk.
Everybody likes me?
Yes!
No.
Not you, that garbage
disposal with your face.
He's living your life while
the real you is trapped
down herewasting your time.
Listen, I built this
whole house of cards,
I walked a long time
on a tread mill,
and I'm about to read
this book of metaphors.
Is it possible that
you just don't like
that I'm the cool one now?
What?
No, ha, and you're not
the cool one, it is.
Well, excuse me if I enjoy
people liking me for once.
Hayley What do you think
you're doing, jerkface?
Jake Enjoy.
What are you talking about?
I didn't do anything.
I promise.
Oh yeah, well your sack of
screws is competing against me
with a speech!
Hah!
Did you get that?
Lost her at 'sack'.
Listen to me closely, Felix.
You had better fix this
because I am not losing
this speech contest
to super robot.
I'm starting
to see your point.
Super.
Felix Look, I'm sorry.
I apologize to both of you.
I never should have allowed him
to interact with my school life.
It, not him, it's an 'it'.
It.
Yes.
I'll get this all straighten
out as soon as I
[approaching footsteps]
Jake I guess we'll
leave you guys to talk.
Hayley You're not going to
win the speech contest, buster.
[huff]
Are you thure
about that, prithcess.
I'll shlow you princess!
Jake No, right.
There we go.
That's great.
Thrath talk.
Give me my books.
Right now.
Felix, take care of this.
Bye now.
What's going on, Felix?
Listen, I'm going to have
to limit you to Troop HQ only.
Don't take it personally,
it's justyou're not ready.
I would have to be a
person to take it personally,
wouldn't I?
You're right.
Very clever, Felixbot.
Yes, I'm very clever.
I can play a clever
game of dodge ball,
write a clever speech,
and I can tie a bunch
of very clever knots.
Felix Knots?
Why would you want to?
Felixbot I think it's best
if you're confined in HQ, Felix.
[blaster turns on]
Felix What are you doing?
I created you.
Felixbot And that was
impressivefor a human.
But I've seen enough
of your human world
and I intend to conquer it.
[zap, blast]
Ohh!
[clatter]
Felixbot Now, now,
now, Felix.
Don't take this personally.
Felixbot After I destroy
your friend Hayley
in the art of rhetoric, I will
come back and destroy you with
the art of dropping something
very heavy from a great height.
Felixbot, you can't do this.
Have you no sense of
compassion, gratitude?
I gave you life.
[chuckles]
You humans and your
pointless emotions.
When will you learn that there's
only triumph or failure?
Hayley (slurs) She sell
seashells by the seashore.
She sells seashells
by the seashore.
She sells seashells
by the seashore.
You're sounding
much better, Hayley.
Really?
I don't know why
I try to lie to you, I knew
you'd see right through me.
Argh! This speech is going
to be a catastrophe.
Don't give up hope.
Remember, I gave you
a Stockley promise.
Yes, it's cliche.
Your promises are worthless.
If you feel that way, perhaps
I should throw this away.
Hayley Ah, you did it!
The antidote!
Oh, Mr. Stockley, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Stockley It was
a little tricky.
I had to use the Peruvian
Swamp Slug saliva.
Augh!
Swamp Slug saliva?
Hey, it's not working!
Stockley Whoa, whoa.
Calm down.
It'll take some time for it
to counteract the toxins.
I'm giving the most
important speech of my life
in two minutes.
You said I would be fine.
Don't Stockley promise, if
you can't Stockley deliver.
Jake Felix!
[Felix screams]
It was Felixbot.
Jake I was totally
right about that robot.
Felix I built the
guardbot for the monsters.
Anything powerful enough
to destroy Felixbot,
could bring the whole
school down too.
Then how can we take him out.
It's unstoppable.
He's suppose
to be unstoppable,
it's the way I
designed him to be.
Arrr! Why does he
have to be like this?
You're such a nice guy.
Why isn't he like you?
He looks like me, but his
brain is from that video game.
Which one?
Evil Robot.
You took the AI for a robot
from a game called Evil Robot?
I know.
And you're aware that
in the game, Evil Robot,
the robot becomesevil.
Okay, I thought I could
limit it to the part
where he was still friendly
and helpful to everybody.
He destroys New York.
The cover art is Evil Robot
standing on a pile human skulls!
Standing on a
pile of humahh!
Oh, you see, I thought
they were bowling balls.
Yeah, human skulls
make much more sense.
You see
What are we going to do?
[fingers snap]
What about cheat codes?
Cheat codes?
Yeah, commands to skip levels
or give yourself
powers or resources.
Yes, I know what
cheat codes are, Jake.
I just have taken a certain
pride in never to use them.
Yeah, me too.
But we have to make an
exception in this case.
Okay, is there anything that
gives you automatic victory?
Yes, unite the clans.
That'll work.
The AI is the same.
Everything will shut down.
All we need is a
wireless controller.
It's unite the clans
but I might be thinking
of a different video game.
The future of this school
is in your hands, Jake.
I've been preparing for
this moment all my life.
(slurs) And even though
the situation now is dire,
how much more dire was
the winter at Valley Forge,
faced by our continental army,
snow storms, swirling winds
Ms. Helmsley I'm going to
stop you for a moment, Hayley.
Are you chewing gum?
Eh, no, Ms. Helmsley.
It's actually a condition
called 'juicy mouth'.
Young lady, how can we send
you as a representative of
Felixbot I apologize for
my tardiness but I didn't want
to embarrass myself by
showing up looking like
You know.
Well, I see the
competition is heating up.
We'll hear from Felix now.
Hayley But I still have
some things I want to say!
Step away.
You're done.
Don't fail.
America.
Land of winners.
Where gleaming miracles
of technology work
towards one goal.
Domination.
Huh?
Plus liberty.
Hey, I thought you
were going to go first.
[sigh]
I was told to be seated.
I wasn't even done.
Looks like we're sending
a robot to D.C.
Just because you
have some bad luck,
you're going to give up?
Huh, what am I suppose to do?
He's so smooth and
I'm just spitty.
You think having hair
that doesn't ache
is what makes you Hayley?
Or whether or not your arms
float up or how much spit
you have in your mouth, or
that you smell like a kennel,
that makes you 'you'?
I guess not.
I smell like a kennel?
No.
It's what you have up
here and in here
that makes you
who you are, Hayley.
Now, quit feeling sorry for
yourself and get back in there
and give that speech like
the Hayley we all know.
I'll do it, Mr. Stockley.
And America will become
a true nation of winners,
once we find a way to
deal with all the losers.
Yes, well done!
Hayley Great speech, Felix.
Oh well, thank you, Hayley.
I'm surprised you would say so.
(slurs) I'm sincere.
It's always harder
to give a speech when
you know you're lying.
Ms. Helmsley Lying?
Hayley, what are
you accusing Felix of?
Of betraying his own people.
The nerds who
built this country,
nerds like Benjamin Franklin,
he wore glasses he made himself.
Or nerds like Thomas
Jefferson who started
the Library of Congress.
Nerds have build this country,
from the steam engines to the
social networking websites.
The Felix I know, would
never have forgotten these
contributions to praise
the so-called winners.
I don't even know
who this Felix is.
Ms. Helmsley Hm, a
country built by nerds?
Now that's the kind of thing
that could get a person
noticed in Washington.
That town's chalk full of nerds.
Congratulations, Hayley.
[applause]
Thank you so much,
Ms. Helmsley.
Wait, my juicy mouth
Ha, my arms
ha ha ha!
Felix I'm afraid you're
making a huge mistake,
Ms. Helmsley.
Or should I say
[machine whirs]
human mistake.
[Hayley gasps]
Jake Put her down, Felixbot!
Hayley Jake! Help!
[scream]
[clatter]
Teacher Young man!
You okay?
Yeah.
[robot beeps]
Why do I feel like
have unlimited gold?
Wrong code!
[rattle, beeps]
[whack, groan]
Teacher Now, gentleman!
We need to step outside.
[rattle of controller]
Your attempts
are futile, Jake.
Why do I know
so many cheat codes?
[rattle of controller]
[robot beeps]
Ahh!
[fizzle]
[Felixbot groans]
Eeee
Evilrobot,
standing down.
Ever, ever, ever, ever,
[voice speeds up]
Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever!
Duck!
[fizzle]
[snap, pops]
[Felix laughs]
Jake Yes!
Cheating pays!
Hah!