My Three Sons (1960) s01e24 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
MOVER: Be clear in a few minutes.
STEVE: No problem. I live right here.
I'll just park right, uh right here.
(dog barking in distance)
Oh, hi.
Oh, what a woman.
First she borrows my car, and
then she forgets she borrows it.
When she finally remembers to bring it back,
she leaves a leg of lamb in it.
How she ever gets to the office
in the morning, I'll never know.
What a memory.: That's you, Dad?
Oh, hi, Mike. Yeah.
I thought you would never get here.
Yeah, me, too. I'm late.
I'm late, too.
(horn honking)
Oh, boy, there's Jim already.
Pardon me, Mike.
Be right with you, Jim.
I was getting worried. I thought you'd forgotten
I need the car tonight for that astronomy field trip. Oh.
A girl at the office borrowed it.
She forgot her husband had her car,
and then she forgot she borrowed mine.
Boy, what a memory.
Oh, here are the keys.
I had to park it across the street.
There's a big moving van in the way.
Hi. Where's the fire?
Oh, Jim and I are having our usual
Saturday afternoon golf game.
We're playing at his club this afternoon, and I'm late.
I see. Let's see. Have I got everything?
Cash, shoes shirt, golf clubs.
Hmm. Let's see.
Now where's my pipe?
Oh, here's the pipe.
Something else, though.
MIKE: Matches? Tobacco? STEVE: No, no.
BUB: Have you got a ball?
There was something else, though, Bub.
Hmm. Well, I'll probably think of it around the 18th hole.
I'll see you. All right.
Happy stargazing, Mike.
BUB: Keep you head down.
Let's see now. Car keys gas money
What's Steve so late about?
MIKE: Well, some lady forgot her husband.
I got to move the car into the driveway.
Those darned kids can't remember anything.
CHIP: Hey, Bub, something's burning!
Oh, my good My pie crust!
Trying to remember what they forgot.
Now I forget what I'm supposed to remember.
I got it.
Okay, make a wish.
(clears throat)
I got one.
Okay, ready? Pull.
God, I never win.
What'd you wish for?
A baby sister.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Bring the formula?
Yeah, I have everything.
Where will I park?
Oh, why don't you put it in front of the van?
Okay.
MOVER: Hey, man, give me a hand over here.
Take it down and push it.
MOVER 2: Hey, put down the door for us, will you?
All right, Joe, go ahead.
All right, wait a minute, wait a minute, back off, man.
All right, I got it.
You're big enough to be Betty's sister.
Too bad you're just a doll.
I'll put you here right now.
Where do you want it?
It goes in the bedroom upstairs to the right.
No, wait.
No, it goes to bedroom upstairs on the left,
and the guest room
Why don't you show us? All right.
Da da da ♪
(humming tune)
My little darling.
Hello. Hello.
Hello, blue eyes.
(movers grunting)
All right, There we go!
Is everything all right?
It's been all right up till now.
MOVER 1: Easy now, easy!
MOVER 2: Up we carry it! Go!
MOVER 1: Not so fast! Take it easy!
She'll have a trauma with all that noise.
MARY: It's pretty bad.
MOVER: You'll have to show us where
to put that bedroom stuff, ma'am.
MARY: Okay, I will.
How you doin' there, buddy boy?
Itchy kitchy coo!
Her name is Betty.
Oh, yeah? Well, let's see you
give us a great big smile, Liz.
Come on, now. You can do it.
Attagirl! Well, she's pretty tired right now.
Mother, why don't you put her down for her nap?
Hey, Itchy Kitchy Coo!
Come on and help me with the rug, will you?
All right! Hold your horses! I'm coming!
Nap? She won't sleep much around here.
MOVER: We'll wait for you inside, ma'am.
Sleep tight, princess.
Why don't you just put her in the car
till the movers are through?
The the car?
Well, sure. She always sleeps in the car.
She'll be perfectly all right until her 6:00 bottle.
All right, if you think it's safe.
Oh, sure. Oh, just make sure
the sun isn't shining on her.
Modern parents are so casual.
I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this with Mary
when she was a baby.
I guess it's safe enough.
It's certainly quieter.
After all, what could happen to her out here?
Look, you gotta wish for
something at least possible, Dumbo.
A baby sister is impossible.
Well, if it's so impossible,
how come people have any?
Brother! How many times do I have to tell you that,
when people get married, they
Now, listen, wise guy. You just take this out
and put it in the car for Mike.
A little hot chocolate may come in handy
for whatever that thing is that he's going out on.
Baby sister! Man!
We're just going to have to do something about this kid.
Why is a baby sister impossible?
Oh, now, listen, Chip.
I mean, you know as well as anybody else
that a baby has got to have a mother.
What's wrong with you?
Well, I may do a mother's work around here,
but I draw the line at that. Hey
Hey, you guys, look what I found in our car.
(baby cooing)
CHIP: Jeepers! It's a baby! I got my wish!
Now, wait a minute, Officer Whitman.
All I know is that some unnatural mother
is trying to unload this squalling baby on us,
and I'm sure not gonna put up with it.
You can just bet your tin badge on that.
Is it a boy or is it a girl?
It's an "it."
Babies are always called "it".
What I'm trying to tell you is that
somebody sneaked it into the back of Steve's car.
No, they didn't.
It was there 'cause I wished for it.
You didn't win your wish.
I won. And, besides, I sure as heck didn't wish for a baby.
Well, what did you wish for?
Nothing. I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
BUB: Now, wait a minute.
You're supposed to be the public servant, not me.
I want you guys at the police station
to send somebody over to get this thing.
I'm not going to be turned into a public babysitter.
CHIP: What's this?
MIKE (whistles): The First Five Years of Life,
by Dr. Arnold Gazelle. "Gesell," I guess.
Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Looks like a book of instructions.
CHIP: See? I told you we're supposed to keep it.
BUB: Okay. So, while you're trying' to locate
its mother, why don't you send somebody over here?
Somebody from the Social Welfare or something.
Hey, how old do you think it is?
Old enough to hang on to my finger.
Let's see, that's According to this, that's four months.
You're a strong baby.
MIKE: It says here that babies this age
like to have their morning bath in the late afternoon.
Hey, neat! I'll get some towels!
Hey, wait a minute!
A few hours?
You send that woman over here right now!
I don't know a single, solitary thing about a baby.
Robbie, what in tarnation are you doing with that thing?
Just following the instructions.
You know, from the book.
It says right here you're supposed
to remove all constricting clothing.
What does a book know about a baby?
Hey, Bub, what did the police say?
BUB: Oh, the police are a lot of help.
They say we gotta hold on to this little good-for-nothing
till they send a woman over here from Social Welfare.
Hooray, man! Neat!
Shh! Don't shout when there's a baby around!
(whispering): I mean, don't
shout when there's a baby around.
ROBBIE: Hey, I wonder whose it is and where it came from.
It's too bad it can't talk. MIKE: Hey, this baby
must have been in Dad's car
when he drove it up. I wonder
if that's what he couldn't remember to tell us.
BUB: How could he forget he had a baby in the car?
Well, he was in a hurry.
Oh, and so am I. Here. I gotta load the car up.
(phone ringing) Wait a minute, Mike.
It may be the police. They may need the car.
All right, take it easy.
Andy?
No. This is Bernadine Foote.
Who?
Bernadine Foote.
I work in Mr. Douglas's office.
Is he there?
No. Steve's at the golf course.
Oh, dear. I just wonder if anyone found my lamb.
Lamb? No. I don't think any of us has
BUB: Your lamb?
BERNADINE: Yes. I know
you'll think I'm terribly forgetful, but
well, I borrowed Steve's car this afternoon
to run some errands, and I, uh
I had so many confusing things to do
that I think I may have left my lamb in the car.
BUB: You sure did, Mrs. Foote.
And, uh, I've been phoning all over to
try and find out where it came from.
Darn it.
Thank heavens! It's my husband's favorite.
BERNADINE: I don't know how I'd
face him if I left it in the car all night.
Who is it?
Well, yes, I can see where
he might be a little upset about that.
We thought someone wanted to give it to us.
BERNADINE: Oh, dear me.
I hope you're not too disappointed to find out
it was mine. CHIP: Who is it?
BUB: I should say not.
And the sooner you come for it, the better.
Oh, now that I know where it
is, there's nothing to worry about.
Could you keep it for me till morning?
Keep it all night?
Yes. Isn't that all right? Who is it?
Hey, I wonder where it's going to sleep.
I think maybe it'd better sleep in our room.
Hey, Bub
Mrs. Foote, would you excuse me a minute, please?
BUB: It's Bernadine Foote. She works with your father.
She's the baby's mother.
Aw, heck!
Well, at least we know who you belong to.
What I mean is, it's safer with you
than with us. We've been trying
to follow the book of instructions,
but I'm not just sure we're doing things right.
Doing what things right?
What's there to do?
Well, it's been riding around in the car all day,
and the boys are washing it.
BERNADINE: Oh, yes. I suppose it would get a little dirty
rattling around in the back of the station wagon.
Well, yes, I guess you could put it that way.
BUB: No, no, no, Robbie!
Don't rub it! Just pat it dry.
What are you doing now?
Well, we're we're trying
to follow the instructions in the book.
BUB: Robbie, there's some talcum powder in my bathroom.
Use that on it.
You're not going to use
talcum powder on it, are you?
Well, now, just what would you do?
Well, I always just rub it with olive oil and dust it
with garlic powder. What?!
Look, there's no need for you to go to this bother.
I'll do all that tomorrow before dinner.
Well, I sure never heard of using
olive oil and garlic on it.
Well, that's what makes the world interesting.
We all have different ideas about things.
You said it.
BERNADINE: Why don't you just wrap it up
and put it in the refrigerator, and I'll
BUB: Refrigerator?
Or any cool place that's out of the way and I'll
Now, hold on, lady.
I'm afraid your ideas
are a little too different.
You'd better come and get it this afternoon
or I'm gonna turn it over to the woman from Social Welfare.
You're not going to give it to charity, are you?
You're darned right I am
if you don't come and get it right away.
If she doesn't want it,
I don't see why we can't keep it.
BERNADINE: All this fuss over
a little unimportant thing like a
Unimportant!
All right. I'll get over there as soon as I can.
Fine. And the sooner the better.
Because we're getting pretty attached to it.
Our youngest boy can't hardly keep his hands off it.
Oh?
Well, will you please try to
restrain him until I get there?
BERNADINE: After all, I'm sure Steve can get him
another one just like it.
Well, not under present circumstances.
Good-bye.
(cuckooing)
BUB: Fine mother. (Whistling tune)
I finally talked her into
coming after the poor little thing.
CHIP: Jeepers, Bub, I don't see why we can't keep it,
at least overnight.
And that's all we need around here:
a beat-up, old motor roaring in the garage,
an off-key trumpet, the TV, a barking dog,
and now a squalling baby.
CHIP: It's not squalling.
What's the matter, Bub? Don't you like babies?
(mockingly): Yes, I like babies.
When they're asleep.
Sure is little.
ROBBIE: Yeah. Look how blue its eyes are.
CHIP: Can it see me?
It's looking right at me.
Of course she can see you.
You can see Chip, can't you, honey?
Well, of course you can see little old Chip.
Yes, her can see Chip.
Of course her can, with those big, blue eyes.
Blue as the skies.
A little button nose and that rosebud mouth.
Her can see everybody, can't she?
Yes, her can.
Isn't her cute though?
Yeah.
Now look what you got me doing.
Mike, why don't you take a hike out of here?
Okay. And you guys go with him.
I don't need you around here. Ah, Bub.
Can't we watch her go to sleep, please? Oh, come on, Bub.
This little knot head's got to have a nap.
Oh, well Can I give her the bottle later?
Don't stand here and argue with me.
(boys arguing) BUB: Later. I'll see you both later.
ROBBIE (chuckles): Okay.
Well Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Its mother's gonna take it away from us
anyway in a few minutes, so I might as well go.
So long.
Can you say "Bub?"
You say "Bub" for me.
Say "Bub" for Bub.
Is she trying to say "Uncle Bub?"
Bub, Bub.
CHIP: Bub?
Well, what are you two guys staring at?
Jeepers, Bub, I just can't figure out how babies get
How could a For crying out loud, Dumbo.
How many times do I
Look, when people get married
Now, look, Mr. Smart Guy,
you just trot over to the Pearsons there and
Look, when people get married
and see if you can't scrounge me up
a little canned milk and-and bananas
for little old baldy here.
ROBBIE: Hold on a second, okay, Bub?
Now, you see, when a man and wom
I don't want to hold on a second.
I want you to do it now.
But, gee, Bub, I was just trying
to explain to this clunky kid that when
I'll do the explaining.
Now, you go and get the milk.
Gee Now go ahead.
Can't even explain when a man and woman get married
Now, you see, Chip, it-it-it goes like this
Can I hold her?
Well Just for a second?
Well, will you promise to be careful of her now?
Don't-don't drop her, you see.
Got to be very careful with these little girls.
Now, they're, they're so darned breakable.
There, you got a hold
Good hold, now. Hold on.
Jeepers, I just can't figure out how a baby would get here.
Well, now, Chip, it's all very simple.
So when, uh, people grow up,
they get tired of having cats and dogs
and parakeets and goldfish,
and they want to have babies.
So they get married.
And when they do, they
Jeepers, Bub, I know all about that stuff.
What I mean is, how could this baby get here?
Well, for crying out loud, why don't you say what you mean?
ROBBIE: Nobody's home at the Pearsons'.
Jeepers, I bet it's hungry.
(baby cooing)
Well, I can't give this kid ordinary food.
I think those new people across
the street must have a baby.
How is she?
Quiet as a lamb, the little doll.
I'll move the car in front of the house.
(barking)
(car engine starts)
(car door closes)
(engine revving)
(engine stops)
Bye, buddy.
Hi. Hi, there.
I'm Robbie Douglas from across the street,
and we need somebody who knows about feeding babies.
Well, you sure came to the right place.
We've got one of our own.
That's what I figured. What's your trouble?
Here you are.
Be careful, now.
Some baby powder.
And if you need anything else, just come running.
Thanks a lot. We ought to manage now.
Its mother ought to be here pretty soon.
I should hope so.
Imagine losing track of her baby like that.
Hmm.
Hey, you have a car just like ours.
Yes, I noticed.
Well, thanks again for all the baby stuff.
MARY: Is she still asleep, honey?
Still sound asleep.
Come on, drink it all.
There. Every drop.
Well, I guess I'd better take care of the next operation.
Now, be careful of the kid.
(door buzzer sounds)
I'll get it. Keep your hand up.
Right there. Now, watch her back.
Hello.
I'm Bernadine Foote.
Oh! Come right in.
I do hope this little mix-up hasn't been too much trouble.
Oh, no.
We've kind of enjoyed it.
It's right in here.
(baby cooing)
Oh, isn't it darling?
Boy or girl?
You mean you forgot that, too?
(chuckles)
Some memory.
Oh! (Chuckles)
Thank you.
Oh, what's its name?
Are you kidding?
Whose is it?
Don't you know where it comes from?
Well, got two birdies on the front nine!
(chuckles)
Of course, I had a 48 on the back side.
Bernadine, what are you doing here?
I came for my lamb.
And you, and you brought your baby with you.
I didn't know you had a baby.
Oh, no. You never told me you had a baby.
Let's look at it. No, Steve, it isn't
Hey, she's a cutey pie.
No! Now Looks just like you.
Wait a minute!
There's something very odd going on around here.
Oh, I'll say there is.
That is not my baby.
I never set eyes on that baby
till I came in this front door two minutes ago.
Well, if it's not her baby, then
what the heck is she doing here?
Steve, all I want is my leg
of lamb that I left in your car.
Leg of lamb?
Yeah, I remember.
That's what I forgot to tell you, Bub.
Remember when I forgot?
Holy mackerel.
Chip, would you take a look in the refrigerator,
and see if Miss Foote's leg of lamb's in there?
I got to see this.
And I'll go along just to make sure.
If there's a leg of lamb in my refrigerator, I'll eat it!
Oh, no you won't!
You are a cute thing, huh?
We got to find out about you.
Where'd you come from, huh?
ROBBIE: Well, for crying out loud!
Robbie, tell me about
Dad, come here a minute.
What?
Come here. Come here, Dad.
There.
What? Take a look at that car over there.
Yeah, it's our station wagon.
Looks great.
I'm going to bring Betty in.
I never knew her to take such a long nap.
I told you she liked sleeping in the car.
Well, for crying out loud, I thought that was their baby.
That's no baby, it's a doll.
Hey, Dad, look at that picture.
Hmm?
That's our baby!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Robbie, that baby must belong
to the people that are moving into this
(whistling tune)
MARY: John, bring in the bassinet.
What'd you say, Mary?
I said bring in the bassinet, please.
Oh, okay, honey.
Robbie, do you know we could be arrested for kidnapping?
(whispers): Kidnapping? Yes.
Do you know what the penalty is?
No, what? Don't ask.
He went back in.
Put the tailgate down and stand by.
(car horn honks)
Well, for heaven's sakes, what did you do with it?
Oh, come on, Mrs. Foote.
How could I do something with anything
when there never was anything to do something with?
But I'm having company for Sunday dinner!
Chip, do these things belong to the baby?
Why?
Come on, sweetheart.
Where are you taking our baby?
I'm taking her back to her mother!
Who is she?
I don't know!
Look out, Robbie.
Take it easy, sweetheart.
That's a girl.
All right, shut it, shut it.
Well, did you finally wake up?
(baby cooing)
Had a nice long nap, didn't you, hmm?
You must be hungry.
How about a bottle, hmm?
(whispers): We just gave her a bottle.
Shh-shh-shh.
Imagine a woman forgetting her baby.
Come on, let's go see your nice, new room.
(whistling tune)
Well That takes care of our baby.
Yeah.
Boy, she sure was cute.
Been a long time since I carried a baby around.
Yeah. Gee, Dad, was I ever that little?
Sure were.
We all were at one time.
That's right.
Even Bub; Can't you just see him?
(laughs): Yeah.
Say, Rob, I still don't understand
how the baby got in our station wagon.
Well, Chip wished for it.
Oh.
Poor dumb little kid.
Didn't know what a bother they are
All that squawking and crying
and baths and diapers and formulas.
(chuckles)
Yeah.
Yeah, they're a lot of trouble all right, at first.
But, luckily, it gets worse.
(laughs)
Well, back to Bernadine's foot.
Uh, I mean leg.
Of lamb.
There.
I'll bet anything there's the answer
to my leg of lamb.
STEVE: Tell me.
A great big leg of lamb just couldn't get lost.
Well, I sure don't know where you came from,
but, man, do you look good.