Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e24 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
What do you want written on this poster, Uncle Joe?
What does the regular slogan say?
"See Naples and die."
Uh, "Why see Naples and die
when you can come to the Shady Rest and live?"
Okay, Uncle Joe.
Will you help me, Uncle Joe?
Sure, honey.
What do we put at the bottom of this one
with the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
Uh "Why visit a place where
a silo could fall down on you?
Come to the safe Shady Rest Hotel."
Oh, okay.
Why are you girls out here
when there's a stack of dishes in the kitchen?
They're helping me with my advertising, Kate,
helping me grease the wheels of progress. Oh.
See, people spend most of their lives
planning to do something,
and it takes advertising to make 'em get up and do it.
Advertising gets results.
You could be right.
Can I try?
Well, sure, Kate.
Being my flesh and blood,
you ought to have a natural bent for advertising.
I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking.
There for a while,
you was about as narrow-minded as an old maid fishing worm.
Thanks.
I sure hope this brings results.
"When are you going to dig that drainage ditch
down by the railroad tracks?"
Mm-hmm, yeah.
I advertised.
How soon do I get results?
Well, now, Kate, I was figuring on getting started at that
as soon as my arthritis cleared up.
Uncle Joe, you don't have arthritis.
Betty Jo, when a man's not fixing to do something,
one excuse is as good as another.
I never said I wasn't going to do it.
Well, I guess advertising
is just not as persuading as it used to be.
That ain't true.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll get started.
Oh, you're going down to the tracks and start digging?
No, I'm going to find somebody I can start persuading.
Say, did Charley and Floyd do through here
on their first run?
Ah, you're not going to get Charley and Floyd
to do your work for you.
They went on through while you were still asleep.
Had to meet Mr. Bedloe in Hooterville.
Don't tell me he's back again.
Yep, and I sure hope
he's not going to stir up more trouble for us
and try and close down the Cannonball again.
Don't worry, Kate, I can take care of Bedloe.
He don't scare me none
because he's vice president of the railroad.
Them city slickers like him's my meat.
Then that makes me a vegetarian.
Morning, Mr. Bedloe.
What kind of a scheme have you got in mind
for trying to close us down this time?
One that'll work.
I've got you this time.
The defeats and humiliations that I have suffered here
in the past will not have been in vain.
I'll be able to hold up my head again at the home office.
You must figure you got a pretty good angle, Mr. Bedloe.
I have, and it's a beaut.
It is called a spot inspection.
You're going to inspect the spots
on the Cannonball, Mr. Bedloe?
For your information,
this spot inspection is going to
be an examination of your books.
I'll tell you, Mr. Bedloe,
what with keeping up steam and looking for loose ties,
I don't get much chance to read.
I think I understand what Mr. Bedloe means.
Go get the shoe box, Floyd.
Oh that's different.
You should have said that in the first place.
The records out at the home office indicate
that you haven't submitted a profit and loss statement
in over 12 years.
That does sound like a lulu.
Doesn't it, though?
But the profits usually take care of the losses
and it all comes out even.
So why send in a report when all it's going to mean
is just a lot of extra work for you?
Well, I appreciate your solicitude,
but I'll be the judge.
Here you are, Mr. Bedloe.
Oh, well, now we're getting someplace.
I wasn't top man in my accounting class
for nothing, you know.
Ah, let me see.
Mm-hmm.
August 27 Received from Mr. Philips
four gallons of milk for freight charges.
All right, what happened to the milk?
We drank it; It was a hot day.
That milk should have been turned over to the C. & F.W.
Maybe, but it wouldn't have kept.
Well what about this one?
Payment for transportation of Harry Simmons and family
118 eggs.
Where are they?
We needed some new upholstery in the coach,
so Mrs. Brown did the work for 118 eggs.
But she owed some money to Kate Bradley,
so she turned over the eggs to her.
Kate Bradley's got the eggs, huh?
No, she was overloaded with eggs,
so she gave 'em to Vernon Sizemore the plumber.
And since he owed us some money for freight,
he gave us the 118 eggs.
All I know is that there are 118 eggs
belonging to the C. & F.W. Railroad,
and I want to know where they are.
Is that clear?
118 eggs!
You want this'un?
It's sort of used.
Breakage one egg.
I want the other 117 eggs and I want them now.
Afraid we haven't got 'em for you, Mr. Bedloe.
Well, just where are they?
Lon Hocker wound up with two dozen of 'em
for helping us fix the boiler.
All right, now let me see.
That leaves 93.
Also, you owe 16 ears of corn and five pumpkins.
Now, these things must be accounted for.
Where are they?
Well, 93 of the eggs hatched into chickens.
And they ate the corn.
We used the pumpkins
to decorate the train on Halloween.
All right, where are my 93 chickens?
I'm afraid they flew the coop, so to speak.
Uh-huh, then that puts you in nothing but trouble,
so to speak.
This is precisely the sort of thing I knew I'd uncover.
I'm reporting this gross infraction
of company rules and regulations immediately.
Operator, I want to put in a long-distance call
to the home office of the C. & F.W. Railroad.
And I recommend that the C. & F.W. Railroad purchase
17 general purpose diesel-electric locomotives
at a total investment of $3 million.
This will increase our annual net income
a minimum of, uh, oh, a quarter of a million dollars.
Mr. Curtis' office.
Mr. Bedloe calling from Hooterville.
What?
Bedloe you're not supposed to be in Hooterville
bothering those people.
But, Chief, it's my day off.
I've uncovered some fraudulent action in connection
with the Hooterville Cannonball.
Miss Hammond, you'd better make that 20 locomotives
at a total of $3,540,000,
increasing our total net income
to approximately $300,000.
Yes, sir.
Go on, Bedloe.
What's that?
Underhanded skullduggery?
They owe us 93 what?
Chickens?
And they ate up our corn?
Pumpkins?
Bedloe, are you out of your two-bit tabulating mind?
Forget about it.
And if you come up with any more ideas
as to how to close down that line,
you'll slip farther down on the list of vice presidents.
How'd everything go, Mr. Bedloe?
Oh, shut up.
I reckon things didn't go too well, Floyd.
Appears that way, don't it?
Mark my words, I'll get that train yet
if I have to tear up every foot of track
with my bare hands.
Now, get that mechanical nightmare going.
I'm going to ride it until I find a way to wreck it.
Right glad to have you aboard, Mr. Bedloe.
Yes, sir.
Now, that'll be 35 cents cash or six eggs.
I don't blame you for being sore
about the railroad losing money,
but if you'd come to me, you could be making money.
Oh, and just how would that be possible?
By getting one of my advertising schemes
working for you, like this one for instance.
"Big silver strike.
Dig your way to health and wealth at the Shady Rest Hotel."
That's an advertising scheme?
You're danged right, and it'll pay off, too.
Kate wanted a drainage ditch dug alongside the tracks.
I'm getting it done
by advertising for people to come out and mine for silver.
Who will believe a fairy tale like that?
Oh, lots of people.
There once was a big silver strike in these parts.
There's silver running all up and down these tracks
Not enough to make it real profitable,
but a person could come out here and do a little mining,
pay for the weekend,
get in a lot of good exercise at the same time.
Wonderful.
I can just see everybody in these parts
tearing up the tracks, destroying them.
It'll be beautiful.
Mr. Carson, you're a genius.
Always nice to be reminded.
You may be remembered
as one of history's great railroad promoters.
I I'm putting in with you.
I like your style.
You know something, Homer?
You're all right.
Joe, I got a confession to make to you.
Among my intimates,
I'm often referred to as Big-Hearted Bedloe.
Yes, sir, Joe, old boy,
you're just the man I've been looking for.
I'm glad you like my advertising scheme, Homer.
Like it?
I love it.
Just think of those people digging a ditch
all the way from Pixley to Shady Rest.
But, Homer, I-I don't see where we need one that long.
Well, we want them digging it all the way to the hotel,
so when they get tired, they'll stay over, don't we?
Well, uh, sure.
Well, they certainly aren't going to walk home.
They'll ride the train home
and the railroad'll make some money, too.
Right.
Those posters of yours all over Pixley,
I got an idea of how I might make some extra money
for the railroad by dividing up the right-of-way
and selling it off to those happy prospectors.
Naturally, there'll be a commission in it for you.
That's darn decent of you, Homer.
Well, the way I see it, you got it coming.
I appreciate it.
You know, Joe,
when a man has a chance to build a better mousetrap,
only a rat would stand in his way.
♪
Mom, the Cannonball's back from Pixley.
And Uncle Joe got off with Mr. Bedloe.
They were laughing and joking.
I've never seen Mr. Bedloe look so happy.
Mr. Bedloe looks happy?
Uh-oh. Mom, what's the matter?
I haven't had a sinkin' feeling like this
since the last cyclone season.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Bradley.
I can't tell you how I've looked forward
to returning to the glow of your hospitality
and the warmth of your heart.
I expect the next few days to be the happiest of my life.
I wish I expected as much.
Give my buddy Homer the best room in the house, Kate.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
He's a fine fella, Kate.
Just took a little knowin'.
Like the book says,
"each man's his brother's keeper."
Acting so friendly with Bedloe
makes me wonder if you don't need a keeper.
What were you doing in Pixley
with him? Well, Homer and I just set up a booth
and I put up my posters.
What's Bedloe got to do
with you and a booth and why Pixley?
Well for one thing they ain't as
used to my advertising schemes
in Pixley, like my latest one,
"Dig your way to health and wealth at the Shady Rest."
Exactly what does that mean?
We let it be known there was a vein of silver running
alongside the tracks all the way
from Pixley to the Shady Rest.
A vein of silver
from Pixley to the Shady Rest?
Yeah, Homer was nice enough
to sell the people leases reasonable
so they could start diggin' immediately.
Uncle Joe.
Do you realize what you've done?
People won't just dig beside the track,
they'll dig up the track itself.
Bedloe won't have to discontinue the railroad
all he'll have to do is have it carted away.
I never thought of that.
I was just hoping to put the Shady Rest on the map.
It'll be on the map all right as a detour.
What are we gonna do?
Two things.
Number one, I'm going back
to callin' Homer Mr. Bedloe.
Number two, I'm gonna start another rumor.
Another rumor? Yeah.
That the first one was started by an idiot.
Mr. Bedloe,
you know there isn't enough silver out there
to keep a stick of chewin' gum warm.
You know it, Mrs. Bradley,
and I know it, but by the time
those hicks get through tearing up those tracks,
it'll look like Lawrence of Arabia came through here.
Your plan is the most underhanded,
most sneaky Certainly.
I wouldn't have anything to do with it if it wasn't.
But you know how much we need the Cannonball?
The C. & F.W. Railroad doesn't.
And I am a C. & F.W. man.
You're a lot of other things, too.
Please, Mrs. Bradley.
You're not gonna be petty and deny me
the enjoyment of my moment of victory?
I'm not destroying that railroad
out there, your friends are.
And why? Avarice, Mrs. Bradley
The poison that destroys men's souls.
Not only are they tearing up the tracks,
they're paying me for the privilege.
Avarice, Mrs. Bradley, avarice.
But those poor people don't
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna get the best night's sleep I've had
since I first heard of the Hooterville Cannonball.
At a time like this, I wish I were a man.
I'd punch him right in the nose.
Maybe I'll punch him anyway.
Kate, you just can't believe what's happened.
The railroad between you and Pixley's a mess.
We made the run to Pixley and back, but it was terrible.
As the last wheels of the Cannonball passed over a rail,
it was tore up.
You never saw so many loose ties
just begging to be burned.
Well, did you tell the diggers
there wasn't enough silver in the ground to bother with?
Well, I tried,
but I could hardly make myself heard
over the noise of the shovels.
Well, did you try to buy back the leases
they bought from Bedloe?
That idea backfired on us, Kate.
What happened?
They figured if someone wanted
to buy the leases from them,
it's just possible there
might be a rich vein of silver down there.
Just possible
there might be a rich vein of silver down there.
Oh, no, not you, too, Kate.
Floyd, you just gave me a great idea!
I did? Yeah!
How soon can you get the engine hot?
Five or ten minutes Oh, it's gotta be hotter
than it's ever been before. You
intending to cook something?
A railroad vice president's goose.
Kate, could I ask you something?
Seeing as my idea's so good,
would you mind telling me what it is?
Okay, Mom, I think we're ready.
Oh, Mom, I hate to see you part
with all your silver.
Forget it.
This way I can cut down on my polishin'.
When I think of all the lovely food
I stoked down with that fork,
I get a lump in my throat.
Don't you worry about it.
If we don't keep the Cannonball runnin',
we're all going on a starvation diet anyway.
Can we get a little more heat, Charlie?
Any more heat'll melt the whole locomotive.
Hmm.
Sort of makes me feel a little
like the Lone Ranger. How's that, Mom?
Hi-ho, Silver, to the rescue.
♪
Mom, is Mr. Bedloe up yet?
Mm-hmm, I heard him whistling in his room a while ago.
He should be right down. And Uncle Joe?
He's still sound asleep.
I swear I don't know how he can do it.
Mom!
The mining engineer that you sent for
just came over the hill from the county road.
And he's gonna set up his equipment right out front.
Oh, thank heaven's he got here.
Yeah, he's cute.
Billie Jo, how can you think of men
at a time like this?
It isn't easy.
In fact, you know, we're in so much trouble,
this morning I had to force myself.
Good morning, Mrs. Bradley!
I just peeked out my window
and saw all that activity below.
It's a beautiful sight.
Magnificent morning! Not for us.
Oh, come now, Mrs. Bradley,
you've outsmarted me many times.
Be a good loser. After all,
it isn't how you play the game, it's how you cheat.
Mom, Mom, it's terrible!
They've gone berserk! Who? What?
What's the matter? It's Charley and Floyd.
They've been up all night prospecting.
Oh, no, not them, too; This is too much.
It's like hitting the jackpot on the first nickel.
Well they'll be coming up pretty soon
to have their ore assayed by the mining engineer.
Mining engineer? Where?
Out front.
Poor Floyd and Charley.
I've never seen them look so wild-eyed
and act so ruthless and greedy.
Are you a mining engineer?
Yes, I've just come over from the county seat.
May I see your credentials.
Certainly, sir.
Here you are. Mm-hmm.
Seems perfectly legitimate.
Everything's in order.
Just have to make sure, sir.
Around here, I sometimes don't even trust myself.
That's the first tolerable thing
I ever heard you say, Mr. Bedloe.
Charlie and Floyd are coming up the hill.
I can't believe what's happened to them.
Oh, I've got to stop them from having their ore assayed.
And making fools of themselves.
We hit it, Kate, a big strike!
We're rich, rich! No, boys.
No, don't make fools of yourselves.
Step aside, Kate. You're blocking the way
of a couple of billionaires. Here, son.
Tell us how much we're worth. Yeah.
We want to know if we're multi-millionaires
or just plain millionaires.
I'm so glad you couldn't stop them, Mrs. Bradley.
I wouldn't miss the look of disappointment
on their face for anything.
Tell me,
do you think they might even cry a little?
The sample of silver ore
belonging to you was found up near Pixley,
is that correct? Yes, sir.
Where did you dig? Right in front of the Shady Rest.
What distance would you say it was
between those two points? About 25 miles.
25 miles.
Here it comes.
Watch their faces, Mrs. Bradley.
Frankly, I was plannin' on watchin' yours.
If the quality of the ore
between Shady Rest and Pixley is similar
to the samples I have just tested,
I'd say there's at least
$25 million worth of silver in the ground.
Roughly that's $1 million a mile.
Wee! Come on, boys.
Be sad, take it like men.
Have a good cry.
It'll do you good, and me, too.
Never in my whole life have I seen
Uh, $25 million?
Did you say $25 million?!
That's right, sir.
There's silver there all right.
I have never tested ore with a bigger yield.
You're kidding! No, sir.
I'd stake my reputation on it.
Mrs. Bradley!
Uh, Mrs. Bradley,
can I appeal to you as a friend?
You don't even appeal to me as a stranger.
Frankly, Mrs. Bradley, I haven't felt well lately.
But I'm not the sort of man that goes around
doing sneaky, underhanded things.
Not unless you're sure they'll work.
I deserve that, Mrs. Bradley, and more.
"Shoot if you must this old, gray head"
Mr. Bedloe, you know how much we need the Cannonball
and you nearly destroyed it,
with your sneaky, nasty, scheming meanness.
Well, nobody's perfect, Mrs. Bradley.
But we're in this thing together.
We are? Yes.
You need the railroad and I need to get those leases back.
Now, you've got to help me or Or what?
Or you're gonna see a terrible thing.
A middle-aged man crying like a baby.
Will you fix the tracks
from the Shady Rest to Pixley?
It'll be a pleasure.
The rails will be new and neat and shiny.
Increase the pension for Floyd and Charley.
Funny, you took the words right out of my mouth.
The coach could use some curtains.
What color?
And Floyd and Charlie need new uniforms.
I noticed that.
I'll send over my own tailor.
Okay, fellas, you can stop diggin'.
We've been took.
I just drove in from Pixley.
And I hiked over the ridge to tell you
that I had my ore assayed and it ain't worth shucks.
Well, look who's comin'
Joe Carson, the silver king of Shady Rest.
Hi, fellas.
You look all tuckered out. We are.
Any of you be interested in selling your leases
for say a five dollar profit?
Mr. Bedloe, you keep your end of the bargain,
and I promise I'll keep mine.
Well, thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
But people around here know you,
and they love you, and respect you.
Lie to them.
They'll believe you. We're rich, Kate.
We're dagnab, dagblasted rich.
Uncle Joe, what are you sayin'?
I bought up every lease between here and Pixley.
You didn't! I only had to pay
an extra five dollars per lease for 'em.
We can buy all them IOU's back out of our millions.
Those are my leases! I'll buy 'em back right now.
In a pig's eye, Bedloe.
Listen to him, Kate, he's off his rocker.
Uncle Joe, sell him the leases.
What's the matter you fallen off yours, too?
Sell him the leases. They're our leases.
Sell 'em. Never.
A promise is a promise. I never made one.
I made one for you.
Sold! They're mine!
Mine all mine!
Wasn't that the greatest ride to Pixley
on the Cannonball, Mom? And that new track.
It's so smooth. Mm-hmm.
Like running your hand over the top of Floyd's head.
How can you be so calm
with Bedloe back in town again?
Oh, I wouldn't worry about him, Uncle Joe.
Why, because Nutty Norman's with him?
Mm-hmm.
Mr. Curtis seems
to have some strange power over Mr. Bedloe.
You know, I don't understand you, Bedloe.
You allocate $2,000 to relay this road bed,
and you were the one who wanted to discontinue the line.
Yes, but, Chief, I've explained that.
We needed to restore this track
so that the Cannonball could haul the silver out for us.
Oh, yes, the silver.
Yes.
Well, get busy, start digging.
Oh, but, Chief, this is the 23rd hole I've dug
and we've had that ore assayed in New York,
and Chicago and Hong Kong,
and the report's always the same.
Nothing. Dig.
But, Chief Dig!
Chief, can I ask you something?
Well, what is it now, Bedloe?
How deep do you want me to go?
Well, is it beginning to feel warm down there yet?
No, sir.
Then keep digging.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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