The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e24 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group must
Somehow form a family
That's the way they all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
The Brady Bunch.
Hey!
Tinker
to Evers
to Chance
Who?
Who?!
Tinker to Evers to Chance.
That's the greatest double play
combination in baseball.
Cool. When was that?
Oh, about
Oh, yeah? I don't even tell
my mother how old I am.
Keep moving.
( Humming happily )
( Groans )
Willie Mays gets $125,000 a year
and he's underpaid.
Water, milk or plasma?
Water.
( Sputters )
You okay, honey?
Yeah, just pooped, that's all.
Oh. The sandwiches ready, Alice?
Yeah. All set.
Hey, you going someplace?
Marcia's nature study badge.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Fun?!
We've got exactly four hours
to find and identify
11 kinds of trees, ten types of plants,
six wildflowers and three noxious weeds.
Well, it still sounds like fun.
Fun?! This is hard work.
Oh-ho!
Carol, hard work
is an hour in the hot sun
with three growing boys.
( Wry chuckle )
Playing baseball with the boys
is fun compared to this.
Eh, you women just don't understand.
Alice, what are we
going to do about him?
"We"?!
Last time I got
between a man and his wife
was the last time I got
between a man and his wife.
MARCIA: Mom, we're ready!
Coming, girls!
Bye-bye, dear.
Bye. See you later.
( Clears throat )
You know something, Alice?
I could jog around the block
four or five times
then take a nice cold shower,
if it weren't for one thing.
What's that, Mr. Brady?
I can't get out of the chair.
Whoa-ho!
Ooh-hoo
Ooh, uh, oh, ooh
( water running )
Then, naturally, Cindy
had to fall into a stream
and Jan had to go in after her,
and I wound up getting
completely soaked.
Well, it just goes to show
( mumbling ): That the modern woman
is totally incapable of dealing with
if she'd follow the
example of her grandmother
( mumbling ) she'd be far better off.
Well, I certainly can't argue with that.
( Sighs )
Honey, if I hadn't spent
the whole morning
playing ball with the boys,
you'd get all my sympathy.
Do you realize that in the past month,
I've had to help Marcia
get her water fun badge,
her foot traveler's badge,
her gypsy badge,
and, this morning,
her Daniel Boone badge.
And at the same time,
keep two other girls occupied.
Well, at least it's a variety.
Do you know in how many
different directions
three spirited girls can
move at the same time?
Three. Three hundred!
And next Saturday, while
you're playing in the backyard
Oh, Marcia's cooking badge.
Honey, they're girls the gentler sex.
Now, three boys are
much easier to handle.
They are like heck.
What's more exhausting than playing ball
with three young boys?
Chasing after three young girls.
You two are beginning
to repeat yourselves.
Well, Alice, he won't listen to logic.
And she won't listen to hard facts.
If you're both so sure you're right,
next Saturday, why don't you
simply switch jobs?
I wonder why Dad wants to see us.
I didn't do it.
Didn't do what?
Whatever it is
Dad wants to see us about.
How's it going, boys?
We won't do it again, honest.
Relax, guys, nobody's done anything.
However, there is one thing
I would like for you to do.
Anything, Dad.
Next Saturday morning,
instead of me,
Mother is gonna help you
with baseball practice.
Dad, she's a girl, a female.
You noticed that, too.
We've got to get ready for Little League.
You were going to help
us practice bunting.
It's just for a few hours one Saturday.
This calls for a vote, right?
Wrong. Wrong.
Boys, I'm simply trying
to show your mother
that helping girls is a cinch
compared to helping boys.
BOYS: Oh!
Well, that's different. Right, fellas?
BOTH: Right.
Good.
Carry on, men.
Okay, Dad.
Mom will find out how tough it is.
Girls?
Have I got a surprise for you.
Oh, what is it?
Well, actually, it's really for Marcia.
And I know she's gonna be
so happy about it.
What?
Well, next Saturday,
Daddy's gonna help you
with your cooking badge.
( Sighs )
Marcia doesn't look very happy.
Mom, Alice won't even
let Dad in the kitchen.
But that's the point.
Sometimes a man has to be taught
just how difficult it is to be a woman.
How tough it is to be a woman?
It's easy for me.
I think I know what you mean, Mom.
Aw, then you'll do it?
If it's what you want.
Oh, thanks, dear.
Well, I think I'll get ready for bed.
Feel all right?
Yeah, just a little touch of a headache.
Well, then, sleep's the thing.
Besides, I have a little
work to do before I turn in.
Well
good night, dear.
Good night, honey.
Rudiments of Baseball.
Tips from Ruth to Mays.
Baseball: The Art of Offense
and Defense.
Hmm
How to Cook In 30 Easy Lessons.
Thirty?!
Cooking Can Be Fun.
You, Too, Can Be a Chef.
"Men on first and third, with one out
the batter must"
"Pour a cup of vinegar into"
"The catcher's mitt.
This is the best way
to hide the signals from"
"The salt and pepper.
Always make sure to properly
season every"
"Umpire.
He must not allow the pitcher
to touch his fingers to his"
"Pot.
Always remember that too many
onions or too much garlic"
"Will keep the shortstop away
from the third baseman."
One cup of sugar.
One-half cup of white vinegar.
One tablespoon
of chopped green pepper.
Bat held high behind right ear.
Weight on right foot.
Hips horizontal to flight of ball.
Ah! Good morning, boys!
BOYS: Good morning, Mom.
Well, mind if I use one of these?
Sure. It's a baseball glove.
Yeah, I know.
Well, your dad told me
you were going to work on
bunting practice today.
Okay if I, uh, play first base?
Oh, Mom
that's third base.
Right.
All right, men.
Now I'm going to give you the
art of defense against the bunt.
Now the first baseman
breaks for the plate,
the second baseman covers first.
The third baseman breaks for the plate
and the shortstop covers second. Got it?
Okay, Bobby-boy, let's bunt that ball.
Atta way, boy, atta way!
Come on, sweetheart.
Atta way to go. Atta way!
That, boys, is called an error.
Yeah, that's what it's called, all right.
Now, boys, pay close attention.
I'm going to show you the proper stance
in executing a bunt.
Ready?
Okay, now, the right foot is in the back
left foot is in the front.
Bat is held high behind right ear.
Hips are pushed forward.
Put your weight on your right foot,
flex your left knee.
Place your left elbow toward left field
and your right elbow in.
Now, put your head back,
hold your stomach in
and point your toes out.
Okay. Let's see you hit it.
Sure.
Ready?
Yeah.
Now, boys, very often a bunt
is used in a squeeze play
so that a man can steal home base.
Could you show us how, Mom?
Oh, sure, nothing to it.
Now, the correct procedure
is to slide into home base
to avoid being tagged.
Okay, just watch this now.
Clear out of there, Peter.
Okay, you ready?
See? There's
nothing to it.
ALICE: Apple turnovers
for anybody who wants them!
GREG: Oh, boy!
Alice?
Is Mr. Brady around?
No.
Good.
Marcia gave him a list
to take to the market
things she needs for her cooking badge.
Oh, what I need is a hot bath.
Then I'll draw one for you.
Alice, I feel so stupid.
Mr. Brady's going to have
a cinch compared to this.
Well, Mrs. Brady, why don't
you just wait and see?
Want me to put that stuff away?
Yeah, while I get the rest of it.
You mean there's more?
Well, I wanted to make sure
I got everything,
and Marcia didn't specify which kind.
Idaho potatoes.
New potatoes.
Red potatoes.
Sweet potatoes.
So much for my seven-day diet.
String beans.
Lima beans.
Navy beans.
They must have been
out of kidney beans.
I'm going to be terribly disappointed
if these don't turn out to be
kidney beans.
That does it.
That supermarket must
look like a disaster area now.
Well, Marcia has to cook a meal
for our whole family, you know?
Family? There's enough here
to feed Cleveland, Ohio.
( Chuckling )
( Groans )
That tub is good and hot, Mrs. Brady.
Oh, thanks, Alice.
Now, you can use any one
or all of these.
I got deep heat, wet heat,
muscle relaxer, ointment
Alice? Alice, I'm stuck.
I told you, keep moving, keep moving.
How can I?
Every single, solitary
muscle in my body is aching.
You'll be fine in no time.
Oh, Alice, how long is no time?
Including outpatient treatment?
About four months.
Oh, if Mr. Brady ever finds out about this,
I'll never hear the end.
Believe me, he will never know.
But I can't sit down,
I can't stand up, I can't
( sniffing )
Oh!
That's why he'll never know.
You put this stuff on,
he won't get within two miles of you.
Oh, thanks a lot, Alice.
MIKE: Carol!
What's the matter, honey?
You okay?
Oh, I, uh, I was just getting
ready, uh, to take a bath.
Uh-huh.
How'd it go this morning?
Did you, uh, see the boys?
No. The boys were gone
before I got back.
Great! I mean, it went just great.
Taught them everything
they ought to know.
Yeah, well, I just want to remind you
to stay out of the kitchen, honey,
'cause that's my job.
Okay, I'll stay out of the kitchen.
She'll force herself.
I'll see you later.
( Sighs )
Alice, help.
Come on. Come on
That's a girl.
Marcia, I got everything you wanted.
You know, sometimes I wasn't
sure, so I got quite a bit.
We saw you carry it in.
You're strong, Dad.
Now, uh, Jan's going to
have to do this next year,
so how about letting her watch?
Okay.
Hey, thanks.
I kind of think it would be a
nice gesture if we let Cindy.
Oh, do we have to have the baby here?
I'm not a baby.
Come on in, Cindy.
Did somebody call me?
You were snooping.
I was not too snooping.
I was listening.
I, I promise I won't get in the way.
Okay.
Okay.
Come on.
Cindy, on the step stool.
Jan, you're where
you can see everything.
Oh, Alice, uh, you can have
the rest of the afternoon off.
Well, I'd like to watch, okay?
MARCIA: If you promise not to help.
Cross my heart.
Okay.
Okay, Marcia, now, what's on the menu?
I thought we'd start
with chilled tomato juice.
Mmm, that's a good choice, yeah.
Yuck.
Got a better idea?
Ice cream.
I told you she was a baby.
I'm not a baby.
Cindy, now you promised
to be quiet, right?
After the tomato juice with lemon,
egg salad, French-fried potatoes,
breaded veal cutlets, string beans
Did you get the string beans?
Oh, we've got string beans,
Lima beans, Navy beans
Go on, Marcia.
And kidney beans.
And for dessert,
cake with chocolate frosting.
Hey, yeah!
Okay, madam, the kitchen is yours.
Hey
There, now.
Hold it.
What's wrong?
Marcia, look.
No organization.
See, now, that's the trouble with women.
You should only go
to the refrigerator once
and take out everything you need, see?
Wait a minute, I'll show you.
String beans, lettuce,
mayonnaise for the salad
and eggs.
Dad! ( Squealing )
That was funny, Daddy.
Well
If an accident does occur
you clean it up immediately.
I'll do it.
It's my accident.
I'll clean it up.
Mr. Brady
No, I'll do it.
But Mr. Brady
Mom uses a mop for that.
So does Alice.
I'll use a towel.
Marcia, you know, the
proper way to do that
is with an electric mixer.
I've never used a mixer.
Oh, it's simple.
Wait a minute.
This thing was invented
for the sole reason of making
life easier for women, see?
Now
we just put the bowl under here
turn it on.
Oh.
First, you have to make
sure it's plugged in.
( Screaming )
Now, all I have to do is
make this breading for the cutlets.
You know, you need
a bigger bowl for that.
There's one over here in the cupboard.
Careful, Mr. Brady.
I stacked a lot of things up there.
MARCIA: Be careful, Daddy.
The floor may still be
slippery from the eggs.
No, I cleaned it up.
( Clattering )
Oh, Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
I did all this?
In under two hours.
That's a new Olympic record.
Well, might as well clean it up.
I'll help you.
No, I did it, I'll clean it.
And with a proper sense
of male organization,
it shouldn't take me more
than two days.
No, no, 15 minutes.
Oh, 15 minutes to clean up this mess?
And that includes mopping the floor.
Go.
( Whistling )
( Whistling continues )
( Humming "Anchors Aweigh" )
I work better a cappella.
Mr. Brady?
Alice, I'm doing this.
Yeah, but Mr. Brady, I just
Alice, what were you trying to say?
When that floor gets wet, it's slippery.
Thanks, Alice.
CAROL: How you doing?
Well, okay, I guess.
How about you?
Oh, pretty good, I I guess.
Spending the afternoon with three girls
isn't as easy as I thought
it was going to be.
Well, playing ball with three boys
isn't exactly a breeze, either.
See?
Honey Hmm?
Could you, uh, zip me up?
Yeah, I'll try.
Thanks.
Well, like the saying goes:
"The grass is always greener
in someone else's backyard."
Well, I guess we both learned a lesson.
Right.
( Weak laugh )
Oh, honey, it's not that I don't love you,
but oh, my arms are stiff.
MARCIA: Mom! Dad! Dinner's ready.
We'll be right there.
Hey, I'm hungry.
Where's Mom and Dad?
They're on their way down.
Good, I'm hungry, too.
Listen, you guys won't be so hungry
when you taste the dinner.
Marcia made it, you know.
( All giggling )
Wait till you taste it, smarty.
It's delicious.
Well, how do you know?
I helped her.
JAN: Oh, here come Mom and Dad.
Hi, kids.
We'll be right there.
Mommy looks funny.
So does Dad.
Here, I'll get it, Mom.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks, honey.
Thanks very much.
Hey, the table looks marvelous, Marcia.
Now then, there's the dish
that ought to get two awards.
GREG: Hey, that doesn't look bad.
PETER: It even looks pretty good.
Thanks, Alice.
Don't mention it.
( Groaning )
Dad, can I have the rolls?
May I have the milk, Mommy?
Oh, sure.
Greg?
( Thump )
Sorry.
This is great, Marcia.
Thank you.
This is good. Yep. Real neat.
( All talking, laughing )
CAROL: No, I'm Buck
Rogers from the moon.
You kids are excused,
if you want to leave.
Oh, heard that one.
Marcia, it was delicious.
GREG: It was a great meal, Marcia.
Thank you.
MARCIA: Run!
Here, dear, I'll help.
Wait for me!
Oh honey,
I am sore all over.
I can't move a muscle.
You want to know something?
Neither can I.
It's worse now than it was before dinner.
It's because your muscles
have stiffened up.
So have mine.
Alice!
Help.
Don't say another word.
Oh, thanks, Alice.
No, I can make it.
You sure now?
We'll be fine.
Come on, Gramps.
Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
Good night, Alice.
Good night, Alice.
Night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
Good night, Alice.
Good night, Alice.
Night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
BOTH: Good night, Alice.
Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
Alice, what's good about it?
Never mind, Alice.
Certainly was a delicious dinner
Marcia cooked last night.
Well, next Saturday, she has
to work on her sewing badge.
Yeah, next Saturday, I promised
the boys we'd play football.
Well, I guess I'll have to
make patterns, cut material,
sew and hem, stitch and line.
Yeah, just sitting around with Marcia,
sewing for a couple of hours.
You make it sound like a breeze.
Well, it's certainly not as tough
as playing football with three boys.
Ha-ha-ha!
May I make a suggestion?
Forget it! Forget it!