8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e25 Episode Script

1
- Hi, honey.
- Can't talk. On a roll.
Well, you could
at least say hello.
Hello. Can't talk. On a roll.
No, it's just that when somebody
interrupts your concentration,
you know, like now, you may never
get it back. You know, like now.
But But family comes first.
Hey. Did you have a good time
visiting Mom at the hospital?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Thank you, Cate.
I almost missed out on that.
Yeah, she came
to meet me for lunch
and I made the mistake
of taking her on a tour.
I saw kids who were
hospitalized for malnutrition
after we gorged ourselves
in the cafeteria.
I had a salad.
With dressing on
the side. Honest.
- The world sucks.
- Here, oh dark one.
The hospital is doing something
to fight child hunger:
The Great American Bake Sale.
Great idea. Then
later, we can create
world peace with
a kissing booth.
And your sarcasm
feeds people how?
"Share Our Strength
is a leading relief organization
committed to ending
hunger and poverty."
- With a bake sale?
- Lots of bake sales.
All over the country. And all the
money goes to feed needy kids.
Oh. That's cool.
Anybody smell smoke?
'Cause Daddy's on fire.
Hey, everybody.
- Kyle? Bridget? You're together?
- No. It's just temporary.
We're together for
the sake of our baby.
Whoa.
Fire's out. Somebody explain.
Fast. Now. What,
what, what, what?
We got paired to do
this assignment in health class.
We have to take care
of this stupid flour sack baby.
Say hello to the newest member
of the Hennessy family
- Baby H.
- What?
Oh, yeah! It's to teach girls
what it's like to be a teen mom,
and boys what
it's like to be a dad.
Exactly. See ya.
Let me see it.
Pale, doughy, built
low to the ground.
At least he's Irish.
How long you have
to take care of the tyke?
Forever. A week. It's not
a tyke. It's an ingredient.
Oh, look, he's enriched.
My side of the family, Cate.
Bridgie, this is gonna
be good for you.
To see how hard
it is to take care
of the baby your
father and I pray
- you won't have for years.
- No. This is worse than a baby.
We have to feed it,
change its diapers,
basically do everything for it.
Whereas, a real baby, you can
pretty much leave in a pasture.
You were such helpless little
bundles of love
when you were babies.
You couldn't walk, talk
Spare the trip down memory lane.
Couldn't talk back.
This is ridiculous. How am I
supposed to raise a bag of flour?
Add yeast.
Bridget! Don't
manhandle the baby!
Yeah, and I am
not cleaning that up.
Wait. You have to sign this slip
that says you'll supervise me
and make sure I do everything.
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
because Mrs. Rule wants you
to spy on me. She's a total perv,
and she wears old lady glasses
and those shoes like Mom's.
The good thing is it's an easy A
and helps me qualify for my trip
to Washington when I'm a senior.
That trip is cool.
Yeah, I know. Rachel Dunleavy
even got mono on it last year.
What's wrong with my shoes?
Two AM feedings? Four AM
We have to supervise all this?
You know, I work long hours.
They're comfortable.
It's the honor system. Check the
boxes and say I did everything.
I get an A and
you sleep. Win-win.
Absolutely not, Bridget.
This exercise will hopefully
- Teach me responsibility?
- Scare the hell out of you!
And we are not gonna let
you flake on this. Right, Paul?
Two AM feedings?
I need my eight hours, Cate.
You know, honey,
you don't have to do it,
because I'm sure that Kyle would
be happy to come
over here at 2:00
in the morning, go in
Bridget's room and wake her up.
- It'd be like old times.
- I'm in.
OK, I officially hate parenting.
Mommy have a
couple of rough days?
Don't even joke.
I'm exhausted,
I'm weak and I have a pre-zit.
Pre-zit? You look
like a Dalmatian.
Hey, there's my little guy.
Are you a good baby brother?
Yes, you are!
I got your nose!
It doesn't have a nose! And stop
fawning over it like it's real.
It's just nice not to be
the youngest for a change.
Welcome to middle-childhood.
It's a picnic.
You're right. I'm feeling
neurotic and ignored already.
I think I need to go cry
for no apparent reason.
- Shut up.
- OK, everybody,
I really have to
finish my column.
Nobody distract
Is that pound cake?
It's not for you. It's for the
Great American Bake Sale.
Kerry got her whole
school to sign up.
They're really into it.
They haven't been this excited
since Name the Drug Dog.
Dad, you should get involved.
I am. I was gonna
eat the pound cake.
Come on, little guy. Let's get
out of here. Baking's for girls.
That's the dumbest thing
I've heard you say.
Some of the world's
greatest chefs are men.
So's half the Ice Capades.
- Grab an apron!
- Oh, man.
Hey, is that Banky?
That's the little
blanket you all used
when you were
babies. Oh, I love
It still has baby smell on it,
I love the baby smell.
You also love the
smell of fertilizer.
That was one of my best columns.
- OK, I'm going back to bed.
- Bridget, you forgot your child.
God, I hate this!
I have no life. I'm in hell!
Boy, that takes me back.
- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do.
I hate men for doing this. I'm
never going near
another man again!
Alrighty, then.
Honey. Honey.
Well, this is a
pleasant surprise.
Yeah, it would
be, but it's 2:00. It's
time for Bridget
to feed her baby.
Remember when you used
to do that? You were so good.
So much better than I was.
I was terrible.
Well, nice try. I
did my time. Go.
OK, but when I get back,
no pleasant surprises for you
unless you really want to.
Bridget, no, honey. You have
to test it on your wrist first.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
Maybe you should
shake it a little.
I can't. I'm sleepy.
And, oh, yeah, I don't care.
Honey, it's on your
checklist, along
with burping and
rocking it to sleep.
Look, you got another tear. And
the seal is completely undone.
You gotta take better
care of this little fellow.
Dad, let's look at the big
picture here. It's health class.
OK, come on. Help me tape him up.
- Care Bear, you're baking now?
- Yeah. Bake sale's this weekend.
You see that? That is commitment.
It's the middle of the night
and Kerry is wide awake.
Daddy, are you saying
Kerry's on drugs?
Bridget, stop it!
Come on. Find some tape. All
right, your baby had a stinky.
Vile. Can't we just put it on the
black market and I'll take a D?
Did you look for it? It's the
drawer with the tape measure.
What drawer is that? Your
mother changes 'em once a week.
It's like the launch codes. God!
- Oh, man.
- What? I didn't do anything.
No, no, I'm just thinking
how much this reminds me
of when I would stay up
late nights with you guys.
Aww.
- Changing your diapers.
- Eww.
- Bathing you in the sink.
- Stop.
This flour reminds me
of powdering your little bottoms.
- Gross!
- Stop it!
Bridget, you forgot
Is this baby losing weight?
OK, don't panic,
but I think I lost my baby.
- What?!
- I knew you'd be all "what?"
- How?
- I knew you'd be all "how?"
Bridget, tell me you didn't
leave him in the car again?
I was upstairs giving him
a time-out in his room.
Oh, was he being
a bad sack of flour?
You have no idea.
I went back upstairs
and he was gone.
He must be around
here somewhere.
You don't just lose a baby,
do you, Paul?
- Once. I lost Kerry once.
- What?!
No It was in the department
store. I was trying on hats,
and you sorta
crawled off. We found
you later in the
housewares department.
You'd curled up inside a salad
bowl. It was the cutest thing.
- You had to be there.
- Apparently, I was.
Oh, my God! Thank goodness,
you're safe! Kidnapper.
I was just giving him a face.
I got tired of guessing his mood.
- Give it.
- Don't hurt the boy!
Never hurt the boy.
- You lost me?
- Oh, honey, we didn't lose you.
He lost you.
My cookies are ready.
Wait, Rory, you're
baking cookies?
Big cookies.
Man cookies.
Cookies with nuts.
Paul? Do you
know what time it is?
Two AM.
Bridget finished
feeding the baby.
Yeah, I can see that.
Beach. Wake up, honey.
Come on. It's late.
Oh, OK.
- Wait, the baby!
- I got it.
Paul, you're not supposed
to do her work for her.
Well, no, it's
just that she's so
tired, and she's
got that pre-zit.
Look at us, Cate,
up late with the baby
again. How many
times did we do this?
- Oh A million.
- Yeah.
Two. Sure seemed like it.
Yeah.
Boy, they were so beautiful then.
And bald.
And we got to pick their friends.
And they'd look up
at us with pure love.
You know what I'm thinking?
What do you say we
try for another one?
Hmm?
We'll talk.
OK. Who do you think is cuter:
Hunter or Brad?
OK, what about Charlie or Connor?
OK, now here's the really
big one: Brad or Charlie?
Me too. I just love Ashley.
We can talk about anything.
Bridget's getting
good with the baby.
I remember when you could do all
that stuff holding her and Kerry.
Yeah, while you watched football
and drank beer.
At least I never
dropped the beer.
What?!
You know, I'll tell
you something.
This project takes me back
to when they were little,
crawling, laughing, you know,
making those little
cooing sounds.
Yeah, and the crib
was made of chocolate.
Yeah!
Can I borrow the car?
I wanna go see Dana's band.
What about little
Jimmy Breslin there?
Like you're not
all naming it too, right?
Fine. I'll drop it off
at its grandparents'.
- No!
- No.
Bridget, the baby
never goes away.
Unless you lose it
in the men's department.
- An hour later we found you.
- An hour?!
Look, the point is,
it's not always fun.
Well, what if I
got a babysitter?
No.
Paul, wait.
You know, if you can find a
babysitter for Saturday night,
that you trust to do everything
that you would do,
then that's being a responsible
parent, and you can go out.
Just find a babysitter?
That's it? No problem.
That is the fourth person
who said no.
You find out who
your friends are when
you ask to watch
your sack of flour.
- Kerry?
- No way. I'm too busy.
But I'm an unwed mother.
It takes a village.
Yeah, well, this villager's
busy baking all night.
OK, fine. I'll find
somebody else. God.
Kerry, feel.
Is Benicio Del
Toro getting lighter?
No, you're probably
getting stronger.
Really? 'Cause I
don't feel stronger.
I love your hair.
It turned out great, didn't it?
OK, Care Bear,
we're off to the movies.
Wow. Look at this. You might
change the world after all.
- Stop it.
- Oh, I couldn't be prouder.
I'm just blown away.
Yeah, we don't
need to get popcorn.
Hey!
But what's a movie
without popcorn?
That's Kyle. I gotta go.
Kyle? I thought you
weren't going out.
We're not. He just drives.
Then we go separate ways,
hook up and he drives me home.
Isn't that what you did
when you were dating?
No. When we were
dating, he drove me
places, then we went
our separate ways,
we hooked up at the end and then
he drove me home. It's different.
Yeah, God, Mom!
What are you gonna
do with Jimmy?
Don't worry. I got a sitter.
What loser has nothing better
to do on a Saturday?
Thanks for the dough, Bridget.
Don't worry about a thing.
The baby's in good hands.
Isn't that right, Frodo?
Oh, look, it's
Mr. Absentee Father.
Oh, stop calling me that.
You're the reason
we're stuck with this baby.
- It was an easy A.
- Yeah, easy for you.
"Come on, Bridget, let's take
that class.
Everybody's doing it."
You wanted it
just as bad as I did!
So now it's always
the girl's fault.
- I didn't say that.
- No guys will look at me
because I'm carrying
your sack of flour.
- The best assignment ever.
- Yeah!
- What?
- Nothing.
It's just that you're
supposed to sift
the flour so it doesn't
get too packed
and you don't wind up with dry
cookies, like your last batch.
Some people like them crunchy.
Oh, my God!
- You got shell in it!
- So? I'll get it out. God!
Not with your fingers!
I can't believe you!
Just get out of my kitchen!
- How was the concert?
- Pretty good.
Yeah. Dana's band wrote
this new song, Light My Fire.
- Nice try, Dana.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Bridget.
- Hi.
So how did Uncle
Rory do babysitting?
Uncle Rory.
That's funny, Grandma H.
What did you call me?
So, Rory, where's the baby?
First of all,
the important thing is I'm OK.
And we're relieved
for now. Go on.
Well, I was jonesing
for a slushie,
so we skate down to the market.
You know, where
the owner hates Dad?
He calls me Mr. Need A Penny.
All of a sudden,
these giant biker guys walk in.
They're all, "Look at the kid
with the bag of flour."
I'm all, "Look at
the stupid biker guys
with no necks and
German army helmets."
Turns out the bikers can dish
it out, but they can't take it.
So they started chasing me,
and I dropped Frodo.
- Rory!
- The important thing is I'm OK.
Now I'm gonna flunk and it's all
his fault. I'm gonna kill him!
Cate, it is 11:35.
It's still Saturday. Pay up.
Twenty-five minutes,
that dollar would have been mine.
Come on!
You both bet I couldn't do it?
Bridget, it's not
like it sounds. It's, uh
Bridget, we're really sorry.
Yeah, that was
completely insensitive of us.
What? You were right.
I can't even keep
a sack of flour
alive. I'm a terrible
fake mother.
No, you're not. You're a kid in
high school just
doing her homework.
Bottom line,
it was just a sack of flour.
And you're gonna be a great mom.
Yeah, when the time comes,
years from now, decades even.
No, I won't.
You took this more seriously than
either of us thought you would.
Yeah, honey, you
actually did so well,
I could see you
with a real baby.
Whoa, Cate, pump
the brakes, all right?
But your mom Your mom
is right. You did a great job.
I'm gonna check
off all the boxes.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
- So I'll get my A?
- Uh-huh.
I'll qualify for the
Washington trip?
I guess so.
Alrighty, then.
She's not the
deepest well, is she?
For a nanosecond I thought
she was into having the baby.
I think that was you.
Cate, it was so easy to know
what they needed back then.
You and I were their whole world.
Well, you mostly, 'cause you
had a leg up on the bonding
because of your equipment.
Getting up to nurse
crying babies all night.
Yeah, I got the
better end of that deal.
I remember I used
to come into their
rooms and just stare
at them for hours.
That was before they
were old enough to say, well,
"Get out of my room."
Honey, it's natural
to have those feelings.
I have them sometimes, too.
But then I tell myself not to
spend too much time thinking
about how wonderful
they were that
I miss how wonderful
they are now.
So that's a no on
the baby thing?
Oh, yeah.
Besides, how could we possibly
top the ones we've got?
- They are pretty terrific.
- Rory, I'm gonna kill you!
- Ow, ow! I can explain.
- A dollar says she takes him.
Why don't I just
give you the money?
What was Benicio
doing in the trash?
OK. I didn't lose the baby
quite the way I told Mom and Dad.
Murderer!
I started out doing everything
just like you said.
Just hear me out.
Everything started out fine.
I was sitting there, pretending
to give him his bottle.
Well, I had milk in one hand
and flour in the other,
and the thought came to me: Eggs.
And maybe just a dash of vanilla.
I was only gonna
take one scoop. But
then I took another
and another
No, wait. You were
taking scoops of
flour? I was taking
scoops of flour.
I knew he was losing weight!
Before you hurt
us, think of this:
Frodo gave of himself
so that others might live.
Circle of life.
So you really think
it was a success?
Only if you consider
raising a lot of
money and having
a great time doing it
a success.
What a turnout
you got from school.
I'm just incredibly proud of you.
Rory, your sister was amazing.
- You should have seen her.
- Oh, really?
You should have seen
the dinner I made an hour ago.
When you said you'd be home.
Well, we're here now.
Rory Hennessy
does not serve cold lasagna.