Family Affair (1966) s01e25 Episode Script

1
Oh, French.
Good afternoon, sir.
May I ask how you achieved the ringing of
the doorbell, sir?
Well, I used my elbow.
I found out if you try with your nose that it
flattens out before you can make electrical contact.
Why did you plan working at home?
That's right.
For the next few days, they're putting up
a new building next to the office.
Right now, they've reached that stage
where they're using jackhammers.
Well, may I remind you, today's Friday,
sir?
Friday.
Yes, in precisely 20 minutes, the children
will be home from school.
They'll be here tomorrow, Sunday,
and all of next week.
Oh, yeah, vacation.
Well, you can keep quiet.
Yes, sir.
Just explain.
I've got This is important work.
Yes, sir.
You look doubtful.
Now, French, you know as well as I do that between us,
we can keep three kids reason to be quiet, can't we?
Oh, yes, sir.
If we have to be quiet, then how can we
watch TV?
Easy.
We just watch the picture.
We don't have to listen to the sound.
It's no fun like this.
Yeah.
It's like sitting with the lights on.
But you're not going to be able to see me.
You're in the dark.
Maybe we should do something else.
Okay.
I'll turn it off.
Mr. French is going to get mad.
We better get out of here.
French!
Shall we answer the phone before we
discuss that noise, sir?
Yeah, please.
Davis residence.
It's a young lady for Miss Cissy,
sir, the same one who calls incessantly
from the moment she comes home from school
until bedtime.
Cissy's got her own phone.
Why don't they yak on that?
Well, Miss Cissy is discussing something
with a young man on her phone, sir.
Cissy!
Pick up the extension on this phone!
Okay, Uncle Bill!
The other sound you hear, sir,
is the television from the den.
Buffy and Jody seem to have turned it on.
Would you please turn it off?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Miss Buffy slammed the door on her finger,
sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, Buffy.
I know how those things hurt.
Gee.
It didn't hurt that much.
What are you crying about, then?
Jody wrecked my whole arm putting on a
splint.
Well, when you bust your finger or
something, somebody gots to put on splints.
Jody meant well, sir, but exercised poor
judgment.
He fastened the injured finger to a broom.
Isn't it about time they went to bed?
Heck no, Uncle Bill.
It's Friday.
Those go tomorrow.
I thought she just answered that thing.
I fancy she did, sir.
Miss Cissy believes in short
conversations, but many.
Oh, hi, Lissy.
Oh, why would he say that?
Yeah, well, if that's what he wants,
swell.
Okay, bye-bye.
Cissy can't talk anymore, Lissy.
She's gonna do her homework now.
Aren't you, Cissy?
It's Friday.
Now, furthermore, Lissy, from now on,
what?
I said I'm sorry to break up whatever you
have going with Lissy.
This is Norm Braley.
Norm Braley?
Where you been all these years?
Outdoors, Bill.
I've been operating a series of summer
camps for kids.
That sounds great.
When are we gonna see you?
Well, maybe sooner than you think.
We've known each other too long to be
beating around the bush.
I called you for a reason.
Yeah, well
I can't stand by that.
You can't go.
I must protect you.
You will be in dire straits if you touch
your sister with that weapon.
Norm, I'm sorry.
I didn't hear a word you said.
I understand you have three kids.
I'm running camps for kids.
You getting the picture?
Yeah, but it's not summer now.
Well, that's right, but school's out next
week.
I'm sort of drumming up business.
I'm doing business for these shorter
vacations.
You got them, Norm.
I heard you have an older girl.
She could be one of our counselors.
I said they're all yours.
Well, the two little ones can,
and
Did I hear you correctly?
Right.
When can you collect them?
Well, tomorrow?
That's fine.
It's great.
Listen, Norm, we can talk about the
details of this thing later.
You want
Listen, call me about, uh, about 9,
9.30, huh?
Right, Norm.
Thanks a lot for calling.
Great to hear from you.
Sir, the crash was a rather inexpensive
vase, the one with the butterfly.
Oh, that.
I never liked it anyway.
However, the carnage was
occasioned by the pursuit of Miss
Buffy by Master Jody with
the intent to do bodily harm.
She stepped on her last ping-pong ball and
smashed it, Uncle Bill.
I did not.
I sat on it and smashed it.
Aren't you mad at us, Uncle Bill?
No.
How come?
Well, let's just say I'm, uh, projecting
into the future.
Bill.
Good kids.
Have fun.
Goodbye.
This is the part that's the hardest.
Taking the kids away from their parents.
Well, we just want what's best for them.
Okay, kids, let's go.
Bye, Uncle Bill.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Uncle Bill.
Hang on.
It's a nice, quiet breakfast on the
terrace, huh?
Well, French, you are twisting my arm.
Excellent breakfast, French.
Thank you, sir.
What are the plans for today?
Well, I'm going to work right here in
complete peace and quiet.
And, uh, hey.
Precisely, sir.
Sure, with the kids gone, I've got the
evening free for a date.
Perhaps a theater, sir.
Then I could prepare a late supper,
and we might have, uh, wine, Brandy.
Right.
Right.
Now, see if you can get some, uh, theater
tickets, maybe one of those off-Broadway things.
I'm gonna call Marie Stafford.
You know where to call about the tickets?
Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, Marie's a lot of fun.
French, this is the way it used to be.
It promises to be a most enjoyable week,
sir.
I don't know what to write in.
What if the What
have we got so far?
Here, Uncle Bill.
That's neat.
Yeah, only aren't we supposed to tell him
something?
Yeah, but tell him stuff we could spell.
Come on, you guys, it's time to police the
camp.
Oh, I see you still have French.
How'd you know?
The music, he remembered.
Oh, yeah.
Made himself scarce, too.
Oh, excuse me, just a minute.
Problem?
No, no, I thought we'd hear something from
the kids and so, but there's nothing.
French says not to worry.
Well, in the pictures that you showed me,
they look like fine, healthy children.
I wouldn't worry.
Oh, I'm not worrying.
It's just that you'd think they could send
a postcard or call, maybe.
How marvelous.
Why, he even remembered the Brandy with
Belle Pops.
Chiesa and water biscuits.
And, uh, it's been quite a while.
Well, you know, it's been one thing or
another.
Yes, I know.
Lovely music.
We owe it to French not to waste it.
You're right.
Now, give me credit for something.
I own the hi-fi.
You know, I'd just about given up on you,
Mr. Davis.
Oh, you don't want to do that,
miss.
I've been very, very busy.
Maybe, but sometimes people change.
Not me.
Not me.
Not for one minute.
I might get a little fatter, a little
thinner, get a few more gray hairs,
but deep down, you are dealing with the
same basic guy.
Got that?
Oh, wait a minute.
Excuse me.
Hey.
You seen that?
Uh, yes.
That's the picture you have in your
wallet.
I saw it at dinner tonight, during
intermission, and now.
Oh, you didn't see these, though.
You didn't see these.
Look at there.
French?
French?
Yes, sir.
Uh, nothing.
I just wondered what you were doing.
Well, I was reading a novel, sir.
With the children gone, I find the
household chores just a few minutes in Devon.
Well, that's okay.
I, I, I just thought it was so quiet.
Yeah.
Yes, well, well, perhaps I could pace up
and down in my room, sir.
The sound might give you the illusion of
activity.
What have you got now?
Here, Uncle Bill.
Boy, you sure write slow, Buffy.
Lights out, you guys.
It's too early.
It's too early.
Aren't you even going to tell us a story
like Uncle Bill does?
You've got your stories at the campfire.
Come on, help me out, you guys.
Jody, go to your tent.
I've got five other tents to police.
Jody, I know what we could tell Uncle Bill
in the letter.
What?
We can tell him that we miss him.
Yeah.
Good night, Buffy.
Good night, Jody.
Not even a postcard?
No, son.
Of course, it's possible the children are so
thoroughly occupied at camp they have no time to write.
Yeah, sure.
Still, you'd think
Well, work's coming along fine.
That's something.
Let me see that stuff.
I've looked through them twice.
I was successful in obtaining two
tickets for Man is a Fool for tonight, sir.
Shall we call Miss Stafford again?
Oh, no, not her.
She's changed.
Yes, from what you tell me, sir,
hers is a frothy attitude.
She seems to have a tendency to dismiss
the things that matter.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm gonna call Olivia Muirfield.
Now, she's a lot of fun.
Besides, she's sensible.
Sir.
We might explain.
We're calling at the last moment because we've
only just been able to procure the theater tickets.
Oh, that's good thinking, French.
Say, we're having a lot of fun this week,
huh?
We are indeed, sir.
The play didn't bring that out,
Bill.
Well
Oh, that music.
French remembered.
Huh.
Still nothing from the kids.
Not very hard to write a postcard or call
up.
I well remember.
French made the most wonderful fondue and
champagne.
Marvelous taste.
Yeah.
Now, listen, getting back to what we were
saying about the play.
Now, if that guy, that guy playing the
father, if he was the kid's father, I'm his aunt.
It's the author's point of view,
Bill.
Mm.
Oh, Bill, French remembered our song.
Yeah.
Well, if he's got that kind of point of
view, he shouldn't be writing about kids.
Let's dance.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, a seven-year-old kid's got a lot
more sense than that.
What seven-year-old kid?
The kid in the play, honey.
The father treated him like he didn't ever
have a child.
He didn't have a brain in his head.
But a seven-year-old child does have a
rather limited vocabulary.
Oh, you should hear Jody and Buffy.
I mean, kids aren't, uh, you can't treat them
like they were household pets or something.
They're human beings, honey.
Just like you and me, except in smaller
packages.
All right, Bill, anything you say.
Oh, now, now, come on, don't just give in
like that.
If you think I'm wrong, say so.
But I'm telling you that I think I'm right
in this case.
Now, a seven-year-old kid, the kid's
supposed to be seven in the play, right?
Now, don't you think he'd understand a
word like communicate?
I suppose he might.
Well, of course he would.
Here, hold that.
Jody and Buffy are six.
Okay, now take a look at this.
Now, that's, uh, that's Buffy's spelling
paper, see?
Form, look, play, glass, coat,
remember, three syllables.
That's quite a word, remember.
Now, that's, uh, that's Jody's.
Let, flee, formal, like, sorry,
that.
Ah, now, Buffy did that, she's six.
Six!
Got it.
Now, you want to see what a 15-year-old
can do.
This is Cissy's composition for English
class, What My Vacation Meant to Me.
Let's read that.
Come on, read it.
What My Vacation Meant to Me What have we
got?
Dear Uncle Bill and Mr. French, We better
stop being so busy so we can get this letter first.
How are you?
We are One,
two, three, four, five.
Well, of course, Jody's the only boy we
got.
And Buffy's got very good reflexes,
too, for a little girl.
Well, so is Cissy, for that matter.
She's got very good reflexes.
Of course, she's getting a little bit ladylike now,
you know, a little too grown up for touch football.
Now, I want to show you this.
See, Jody got this for doing the most
push-ups in his age group in school.
It's, um, it's very pretty.
Isn't that pretty?
Push-up champion.
Oh, I got to show you that plaque that
Buffy got.
No.
Thank you, but I really do have to be
going.
I'm a working girl, you know.
Gee, you have to go already?
Seems like you just got here.
Well, no, it's been hours.
Well, thank you for the marvelous midnight
supper.
Good night.
Oh, you don't have to show me out.
I know the way.
Bye.
Oh, has she changed?
It'll recur to you what an isolated place
this apartment is.
You can't even hear the traffic down
below.
Oh, true, sir.
Oh, there's nothing in the mail,
sir.
You sure?
Quiet.
But we must presume the children are
thoughtless, sir.
I mean, well, every nanny in the park
assures me of that fact.
You've been talking to the nannies about
not hearing from the kids.
Oh, purely as research, sir.
I now have time to take long
walks, and, well, conversation
ensues when one plants
one's person upon a park bench.
Well, you'd think I'd just send one little
card, that's all.
If you're about to telephone the camp, sir,
they have no instrument with which to answer.
You called?
Yes, sir.
I reached a village called Quihonsic.
The operator assures me the children
arrive there safely.
The camp uses that telephone in an
emergency for calls to the outside world.
Well, at least they're safe.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Oh, that's all right.
I was looking around.
Yes, sir.
Are you looking for something,
French?
Oh, no, sir, no.
I was Well, I fancied I
heard something in you.
Well, I guess even Mrs. Beasley misses him
now.
Yes, sir.
Mrs. Beasley.
Oh, it's a thought.
It just struck me.
Well, later, later.
Now, French, you know Buffy never goes
anywhere without Mrs. Beasley.
Precisely.
She must be miserable up there without
her.
Exactly.
Psychologically, the child should not be
separated from the doll, not yet.
Exactly, sir.
So that only leaves one course open.
We've got to get the doll up there to the camp,
even if there's only a few days left to vacation.
True, sir.
Shall I purchase two tickets to
Kweihonsik, sir?
Right, two tickets for Kweihonsik.
Did you call about the tickets?
Yes, sir.
We're to pick them up at the airport.
Yes, sir.
Oh, wait a minute.
Forgot Mrs. Beasley.
Good.
Hi, Mr. French.
Where are you going?
What are the suitcases for?
Hi, Uncle Bill.
Hi.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Aren't you glad to see us?
What do you mean, am I glad to see you?
Why didn't you take Mrs. Beasley with you?
She hates tents.
Oh.
Well, sis, how come you brought them home
so early?
Well, Mr. Bailey said that anybody who
wanted to leave early could, because he
had special cars leaving to take back some
of the kids.
So?
The ones that could only stay a few days.
So when you didn't write us, we came back.
What do you mean, I didn't write to you?
Well, we didn't get any letters.
Letters?
Did you write?
Well, did you write?
Why, I fancy I was so preoccupied with not
having heard from them, I neglected to.
Good heaven, what an impasse.
Anyway, we missed you.
So we came home.
Have another pancake.
Thank you.