The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e25 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
How about it, Sheriff, can I go?
Now just a second, Otis.
We got to get
something settled here.
Now, Andy, you get a chance
to do some real police work
and you pass it up. Why?
Barney, you're making
a big bawling volcano
out of a little wet
weather spring.
Now, how about it, Sheriff?
My 24 hours is up.
I'm trying, Otis.
You just gonna let
him walk out, huh?
Well, he always does.
Well, that's just the point.
We're entirely too
lax around here.
Now, in the big city jails,
they give sobriety tests.
Sobriety tests?
Yeah, to find out whether
or not a man is sober.
I think we ought
to do it here, too.
Well, Barney, I
believe a sobriety test
is given to a prisoner
when you first bring him in.
Now, you ought to have
done that to Otis last night.
Oh, Andy, you know we
couldn't have given a sobriety test
to Otis last night.
Well, why not?
He was too drunk.
Now, come on, Andy, just let
me give him an alertness test.
All right.
You just leave it to me.
Otis
Sheriff
Take the test.
Otis Campbell
you was brought in here on
the charge of drunkenness.
Now, it's my job
to see if you're fit
to take your place
in society again.
It was last night
I had a snootful.
I'm all right this morning.
We'll determine
that in just a minute.
Now, I'm gonna
test your reactions
and your reflexes.
This jail's getting to
be as bad as home.
BARNEY: Now,
first we're going to try
a little verbal
coordination test.
Now, I'm gonna say a sentence
and then I want you
to see if you can say it.
Now, you ready?
Now, here it is.
Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled pop
Peter Piper picked a
pack of pick-pickled pep
Pe-Peter Pickle
picked a peck of pick
Peter-Peter Pepper
Peter picked a peck of
Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled peppers. Is that it?
Yeah, that's the one.
All right, now for a little
muscle coordination.
Now, here's what
I want you to do.
Spread your arms out.
Close your eyes
and bring your hands together
and touch your fingertips.
Got that?
All right, let's see you do it.
( nasally tone):
All right, Otis.
Otis?
Otis, let go, Otis.
Otis, let go.
Okay
Now, Otis, you know,
when a man's been drinking
the first thing he
loses is his endurance.
Now, I'm gonna give
you a little endurance test.
Let's just see how much
endurance you've got, okay?
All right, Otis,
on your feet.
Now, lift your right foot.
When I give the command,
start hopping on your left.
Ready?
Hep!
On command, change feet.
Hep!
Hep!
Hep!
Hep!
Hep.
( weakly): Hep.
Can I go now?
Barney
Well, that-that really is
that's the most
scientific test I ever saw.
( Andy laughing)
You ought to write that
up and send it in to the FBI.
Call it the "Barney
Fife Peter Piper
Nose-pinching Test for Drunks."
( phone rings)
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mayor.
Yes, sir.
All right, we'll be right up.
Barney, the Mayor wants us
to come up to his
office right away.
Come on. You ready?
All right, follow me.
Hep!
That's very funny.
Very funny.
And of course, we'll help
you in any way we can.
Oh, come in, Andy.
I'm glad you came right on up.
Andy, say how do you do to
Mrs. Wickes and Mrs. Bixby.
This is Sheriff
Taylor and his deputy.
How do, ladies? How are you?
Andy, these lovely
ladies are here
from that fine organization,
the Women's Historical Society.
Oh, is that right?
Yes. They've come
here to honor us.
Go ahead, tell
the Sheriff, ladies.
Mayberry should be
very proud, Sheriff Taylor.
It will finally get the
recognition it deserves
for the incident at
Mayberry Bridge
during our great
War of Independence.
Oh, I don't believe
I know about that.
Something happened
over at the bridge, did it?
Wait till you hear of it.
Go on, tell him, tell him.
Oh, yes.
A soldier from right here
in Mayberry, Nathan Tibbs,
ran eight miles
through the snow,
set the bridge on fire,
just in time to prevent
the enemy from crossing.
Well, I declare. Yeah.
Because of that
one man's bravery,
General Washington's men were
able to capture an entire regiment.
Oh, well, how about that?
Now, that is interesting.
Well, really, the
exciting part of it is this:
Living right here in Mayberry
is the direct descendant
of Nathan Tibbs.
Nah.
MAYOR: Yes. Go on. Tell
him. Is that right, ladies?
Well, so far we haven't
been able to trace him
in any of the other towns.
And your Mayor has
been kind enough
to let us borrow
the local records,
so that we can take them to
our headquarters and study.
So you see, it is just
possible that the descendant
may be living right
here now in Mayberry.
The celebration will
be on Wednesday.
It'll be right
here in my office,
and, boy, what a
day that'll be for
Oh, won't it now?
Newspapermen,
photographers. Yeah.
MAYOR: Come on, ladies,
let me get you those records.
Good-bye, gentlemen.
Bye. Bye.
You know what, ladies?
If you're interested
I also have a
daughter who sings.
And for the occasion, she
might sing "Yankee Doodle"
or "Jimmy Crack Corn" or
"Flow Gently Sweet Afton."
She's done very
well with that one.
Hey, Andy? Hmm?
Can you imagine that?
A Revolutionary War hero
living right here in Mayberry.
How about that?
Yeah.
Who do you suppose it could be?
I don't know.
Could be anybody, you know?
Yeah, it could, couldn't it?
Yeah.
Andy
Hmm?
Wouldn't it be funny if
it turned out to be me?
You? Yeah.
Yeah, I reckon it would.
( laughing)
What are you laughing at?
Well, you said,
"Wouldn't it be funny?"
so I'm laughing.
Well, I didn't mean
funny in that way.
( chuckles)
You know, Andy, sometimes
you go just a little too far.
Oh, well-well, golly,
Barney. I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were
that sensitive about it.
Well, I am.
I'm very sensitive.
I'm like my mother.
She's very sensitive.
All us Fifes are sensitive.
Oh, well, well, in that case,
Barney, I'm-I'm very sorry.
Well, it's all right.
Next time, just-just think.
Well, okay.
All right.
Besides, what's so impossible
about my being related to
a Revolutionary War hero?
Nothing.
I just don't believe there's
a Nathan Tibbs
in your family tree.
I tell you what, though.
There might be
a Peter Piper in it.
Oh, hi, Andy.
Howdy, boys.
Find out any more about
that there Nathan Tibbs?
Found out who his kin might be?
No, not yet, Judd.
The ladies are
working on it, though.
Could be any of us,
couldn't it, Sheriff?
Yeah, it could.
Could be me, huh?
( chuckles): Yeah.
Whoever it is,
it'll be a mighty big thing
for the town, won't it?
( chuckles)
Wonder where Barney's
been all morning.
Paw, can I ask you something?
Ask away.
Let me get that shoe
there. Get up here.
Is it barely possible
that Nathan Tibbs could
have been my grandpa?
Come on, Opie.
Is it, Paw?
No, it's not barely possible,
nor remotely possible.
See, if Nathan Tibbs
was your grandpa,
that'd make him my paw,
and that'd make me out
to be at least 170 years old.
Now you don't think
I'm that old, do you?
Gosh, no, Paw.
Good.
You don't even
look 70 years old.
Thanks. See,
Opie, a lot of folks
could start claiming
that Nathan Tibbs
was their ancestor,
but that ain't possible.
He couldn't have been
great, great granddaddy
to all the folks in this town.
Why not, Paw?
George Washington was the
father of this whole country.
Well, that's different.
How's it different?
Well, you see, in
one case, "father"
Uh, well, uh
"father" means
Why don't we talk about
this some other time?
Now, you get on off to school.
How about a catch, Paw?
I'll give you one
catch, get up here.
All right.
All right, ready?
Oh! Now you get on
over there to school.
Don't be late, now.
I won't, Paw.
Bye. BARNEY: Bye.
OPIE: Hi. Hi, Andy.
Oh, howdy, Barney.
What you got there?
Wait till you see, just wait.
What is it? You
won't believe it.
What?
Wait till you see. See what?
You want to see? I sure do.
You won't believe it. Barney
Well, it's about Nathan
Tibbs and his descendant.
Uh-huh.
I know who the descendant is.
You do?
Who?
( whistling "Yankee Doodle")
You?
Barney Fife?
Barney Tibbs Fife.
I thought your middle
name was Oliver.
Well, there's a Tibbs
in there someplace.
Look at this.
See? Now, this is a chart
of Nathan Tibbs' family tree.
Well, where did you get this?
Over at the library.
You mean, this whole
thing was in the library?
Well, not the whole
thing, but just the start of it.
The rest I deduced.
Oh, you deduced?
Yeah, it deduces
right out to me.
Me, Barney Fife.
I almost started to
cry right in the library.
You did?
Now, see, it starts up
here with Nathan Tibbs
and his wife, Anna.
Then it follows down
through all this begattin'
down to where Otto Tibbs
married Doris White
and they begat a
daughter named Helen.
Now, this is where the
evidence begins to pile up.
Helen Tibbs married
the second cousin
of a fella named Duncan Fife.
I believe I've heard of him.
Yeah, I think he was a
carpenter or something.
That's pretty close, I guess.
Well, do you get the picture?
See, this is where
the Tibbs family
and the Fifes got
together for the first time.
And they kept on
begettin' and begettin'
till finally they begot you.
Is that what you deduced?
It's right here in
black and white, Andy.
Well, there's just one little
bitty flaw there, though, Barney.
I believe the Fife fella
you're talking about
spelled his name P-h-y-f-e,
and you spell yours F-i-f-e.
Well, sooner or later
somebody had to spell it right.
Well, what I mean is
they finally spelled
it the simple way.
I don't know, Barney.
I wouldn't be too sure.
Oh, Andy, no, this is it.
It's me.
Yeah, I'm really
related to old Nate.
Nate?
Well, seeing as how he's kin
Well, I don't know, Barney.
All I can tell you is that
right now, at this very second,
them two ladies that
was in here yesterday
they're back at
their headquarters
studying the records
for themselves.
And pretty soon, we'll know
who the rightful descendant
of Nathan Tibbs actually is.
Harriet, there's
no mistake about it.
He's the one Nathan
Tibbs' descendant.
And he does live
in Mayberry after all.
Mm-hmm.
And now, what was
that name once again?
"Otis Campbell."
( muttering)
( phone rings)
Sheriff's office. Deputy
Fife speaking. Hello?
Oh, hi, Andy.
A-are you coming down soon?
Oh, it's been quiet.
Well, I-I had to bring Otis
Campbell in again last night.
Yeah, it-it is unusual,
two-two nights in a row.
Well, must have
had a tiff at home.
Yeah. Okay. You
coming right down, then?
All right, I'll see you.
"Honorable Mayor,
"ladies of the Women's
Historical Society,
distinguished
guests, friends"
Hey, Otis?
Otis?
Otis
( mumbling)
Can-can you spare a minute?
This is my acceptance
speech for the award.
I I want you to
listen to it, okay?
( clearing throat)
"Honorable Mayor,
"ladies of the Women's
Historical Society,
"distinguished guests,
friends and neighbors:
"I stand before you a humble man
"all choked up with
humbleness and humility.
"In acceptin' this award
"I can only say I
feel grateful to you,
"Honorable Mayor,
"ladies of the Women's
Historical Society,
"distinguished guests,
"friends and neighbors.
"I was born right
here in Mayberry
"of humble parents
in a humble home.
"And I will long remember
this day, Honorable Mayor,
"ladies of the Women's
Historical Society,
friends and neighbors"
ANDY: You forgot
"distinguished guests."
Oh, yeah. Distinguished guests.
I didn't see you come in.
I think you ought to get
another award for humbleness.
Kind of overdid it, huh?
A mite.
Better take out one "humble."
I would.
Well, mornin', ladies.
BOTH: Good morning.
Well, we're that much closer
to the ceremony now.
I imagine you've
been rather curious.
Yes.
Oh, we surely have.
You got the name
of the rightful
descendant, have you?
We certainly have.
This is it, Andy.
I just hope I don't cry. Yeah.
Us Fifes are so sensitive.
Who's the lucky person?
The name of the
rightful descendant
of Nathan Tibbs is,
um Otis Campbell.
Otis Campbell?
There, didn't I tell you?
Otis Campbell?
( mumbling)
Mercy, what's that?
Oh, oh, nothing.
J-just a prisoner.
Pay-pay him no mind.
Ladies, are you sure?
Oh, yes. We went
through your records
very thoroughly.
Otis Campbell?
( Otis muttering)
Oh, well, thank you, ladies.
That certainly is exciting news.
Sheriff, is Mr. Campbell
far from here?
Uh, no.
We want to call on him
and give him the
information in person.
Oh, well, I, uh,
I-I-I believe Otis
is out of town.
Oh, dear.
Do you know where?
Uh, no, but I know he's out.
But we-we'll track him down.
Well, I hope so,
because we're going
to make the presentation
late this afternoon.
We'll get him. We'll get him.
Mr. Campbell
should be so excited
about the news.
I just can't wait to tell him
and watch his face light up.
Oh, he'll be lit up all right.
We'll see you, then later,
and I do hope
Mr. Campbell will be with you.
Yes. Yes, good-bye, Sheriff.
Bye, ladies.
I got to get with the
Mayor on this right away.
We'd better try
to sober up Mayberry's
most distinguished citizen
and get him out of here
before those two
ladies come back.
Otis Campbell?!
What?!
The town drunk being honored?
We'll be a laughin' stock.
Oh, we'll never be
able to live it down.
Maybe we ought to
call the ceremony off.
Oh, it's a dark
day for Mayberry.
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. We cannot allow
Otis Campbell to
accept that plaque.
Now that's all there is to it.
Whoa, now, wait a minute.
Now wait, now just hold on.
I just don't see how
we can deprive Otis
of what's rightfully his.
After all, he is a direct
descendant of Nathan Tibbs.
And how do we know
that Nathan Tibbs himself
didn't take a taste or
two once in a while?
We can't depend on Otis.
He might show up
boiled as an owl.
Well, how you goin' to do it?
How you going to stop it?
Andy, it's up to you.
Well, you're closer
to Otis than any of us.
Now, why can't you
hustle him out of
town for a couple days
and see if you can't
find somebody else
to accept the plaque for him?
It ain't fair, Mayor.
It just ain't fair.
Andy, we're looking to you
to save the dignity
of our fair city.
Get us a substitute
for Otis Campbell.
This is the biggest thing
that ever happened to me.
You're pretty
excited about it, too,
are you, Mrs. Campbell?
Oh, I certainly am.
That's the first time for ages
she's ever planted
anything as light as a kiss
on top of my head.
Stop.
It's true.
Otis, I better start tidying up
if we're gonna be
in the Mayor's office
this afternoon.
You go ahead, honey.
Excuse me, Sheriff.
I'll see you later
at the presentation.
Yes, ma'am.
( humming)
She's sure taking
this awful big.
She sure is.
Well, why shouldn't she?
She's finally got something
to be proud of me for.
You know, Andy,
I've given that woman
some awful bad times.
But wait till you see
her at that presentation.
She's gonna be as
proud as a peacock.
And you, uh you
sure wouldn't think
of letting anything stop you
from being there, would you?
What's to stop me?
Unless there's another
Otis Campbell gonna
be there in my place.
( laughing)
( chuckles)
I wonder what's holding
up our guest of honor.
He will be here, won't he?
Oh, yes, yes, he'll
be here, all right.
Won't he, Sheriff?
Uh, yes.
It's getting late.
Do you think one of us
might go over to Mr. Campbell's
house and fetch him?
Oh, no, that won't be necessary.
But, uh, as long
as we're waiting,
why not get another
picture of me?
Uh, yes, you do that,
and we'll go outside
and see if we see Otis coming.
Well, you sure fixed it.
What a story this is gonna make.
Barney, please.
I can just see Otis showing
up for that plaque now.
( slurred): "Where's my
plaque? Give me my plaque."
Then he'll stagger
up to that Mrs. Wickes
and he'll say, "How
about a little drink, baby?"
It's gonna be awful.
Well, I took a gamble.
Yeah, some gamble.
You're gambling the whole town.
What are we gonna do, Andy?
Andy, who did you get, anyway?
Don't he know he's
supposed to be here on time?
Who is it?
Well, tell him.
Go on. Tell him.
Uh, Mayor, I, uh
I didn't get a substitute.
Huh?
We're getting the real thing
Otis Campbell himself.
What?
The hundred percent
Otis Campbell.
Or should I say hundred proof?
Oh, you didn't. I
specifically asked you
to get us a substitute for him,
but you didn't; you got him.
You did, and I
didn't, but I did.
How could you
do it? Well, he did.
You didn't. I did.
How? I just did.
Look, the only plaque that
Otis Campbell deserves
is from the Distillers
Association of America.
I took a chance, Mayor.
Never mind. Never mind.
The only thing to do now
is to get this presentation over
before Otis comes
weaving in here.
Oh, this is terrible.
This is just terrible.
You beat everything,
you know that?
MAYOR: Ladies and gentlemen,
could I have your
attention for just a moment?
I'm afraid there won't be any
Otis Campbell appearing today.
Oh! Oh, why not?
It seems that Mr. Campbell
has had a sudden
recurrence of an old ailment,
and therefore,
he's in no condition to
stand up for the occasion.
Oh, how disappointing.
Yes and so it's with
a deep sense of regret
that I suggest that we go ahead.
( glass shatters)
Oh, could that be Otis Campbell?
Oh, could it ever.
Um, maybe I better go
see if I can help Otis in.
Come on, Deputy.
Hi, Andy.
Look, Mayor, it's Otis.
Hello, Otis.
I want to apologize
for making you good people wait.
The truth is, I'm wearing
a brand-new pair of shoes.
Guess I got too
much feet in them
and I can hardly walk.
Well, come on in.
Otis, we're
we're glad you got here.
And I
Don't you think we better
go ahead with the ceremony
Mrs. Wickes, please?
Mr. Campbell,
on behalf of the Women's
Historical Society,
I would like to present
you with this plaque
commemorating the heroism
of your famous
ancestor, Nathan Tibbs.
With it go our best wishes
to Mayberry's most
distinguished citizen.
Congratulations.
I've been thinking
about the big, long
speech I can make here.
Then I got to studying
about how that was all wrong.
See, I don't deserve this award.
I didn't do nothing.
Being descended from a
hero don't make you one.
Shucks, a man can't take
credit just for being born.
So I want to give
this to Mayor Pike
to accept for the
town of Mayberry,
of which I am
proud to be a citizen.
Well, now, that was
Lovely, Mr. Campbell.
That was the most
gracious acceptance speech.
Otis, I'm proud of you.
Barney is, too.
Ain't you, Barney?
Yeah, I'm real proud of you.
Well, I expect it
would be appropriate
if we all drank a little toast
for the occasion.
Go ahead, Otis.
I expect Nathan would've
wanted it that way.
Have one, too
( indistinct voices)
( whistling)
You know, Andy, I sure
have to hand it to you.
You sure are a good judge of
human nature, you know that?
Oh, yeah.
You must have knowed
deep down Otis would show up.
Oh, I knew he'd
show up all right,
but for a while there, I
wasn't sure in which town.
Do you suppose we ought
to put a plaque
in that cell there?
"Otis Campbell slept here"?
"Slept it off here"
would be more like it.
I think it'll be a
good long time
before Otis comes
staggering in here
and taking the key off the walls
and letting
himself in that cell.
Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
( chuckles)
( door opens)
You all right, Otis?
I was out shopping
with the little woman,
and it got to where it
was too much for me.
See, Andy?
I just had to get off my feet.
These shoes are killing me.
See, Barney?