My Three Sons (1960) s01e26 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(bell tolling)
(bell tolling in distance)
(tolling stops)
(thunder rumbling)
(thunder fades)
(vehicle accelerating)
(paper rustling)
(sighs)
(thunder crashing)
(thunder echoes in distance)
(distant train whistle blowing)
(train whistle fades)
(sighs softly)
(vehicle accelerating)
(explosion in distance)
What the heck?
(Chip imitates automatic gunfire)
For crying out loud, what Hey!
What's going on around here at this hour in the morning?
Did you hear that?
What are you doing here?
Did I hear that? (Imitates gunfire)
You and your imitations of the second World War
are getting too darned good.
That wasn't me.
Here, Tramp!
Give it to me.
They're dynamiting over by the hill.
You know, where they're putting in the new road?
Well, I want you to go and tell those guys
(imitates gunfire) that Saturday
morning is my morning to sleep.
And they can find another time
to make all that doggone racket.
Hey, neat! Come on, Tramp, let's go watch them dynamite!
Oh, no, you don't! No, you don't!
Stay right here.
But you said.
I was just talking through my hat.
Now, you keep away from that place.
If I'm gonna put up with you,
I want you all in one piece.
Aw, Bub.
(thunder rumbles softly)
(thunder rumbles softly)
Hey, Ed.
Yeah?
Now that you're retiring,
what are you gonna do for excitement?
I don't know.
Shoot off fireworks on the Fourth, I guess.
Yeah, stick pins in balloons at parties.
(chuckles)
Yeah, it looks like we shook down enough
for them to work on a while.
Yeah, that was a good one all right.
If the first one didn't wake the neighborhood,
that one sure did.
(groaning)
Doggone it, Chip!
Five days a week, it's like pulling teeth to get you up!
Now that it's my turn to sleep,
you're up at the crack of dawn!
What-What in the name?
Sorry, Bub.
Good morning. Are you up?
Oh, no, no, I-I-I'm sound asleep,
dreaming of a happy land where
school kids have sense enough
to sleep in on a Saturday morning.
(Chip imitates gunfire)
Well, tomorrow's Sunday.
We can sleep in then.
Oh, yeah?
Well, then who's gonna meet your father
at the airport at 6:30 tomorrow morning?
Oh, yeah, I forgot all about that.
What the heck are you guys doing up at this hour anyway?
Doing our chores!
Well, Chip's raking leaves,
I'm cleaning up the bedrooms and Raking leaves?
Then why doesn't he take that .50 caliber rake
in the backyard?
Heck, that's no fun.
I know it's no fun, but that's where the leaves are.
Now get going.
Aw, Bub.
Quietly.
Now, look, Mike,
you've got all day to do these chores.
Why in tarnation do you have to be
waking the whole neighborhood up at this hour?
MIKE: Well, gee, Bub, you don't have to get sore.
(imitates automatic gunfire)
BUB: I'm just as pleased as punch.
Don't you see me smiling?
MIKE: Yeah, but you're usually griping all day Saturday
that we don't get our work done soon enough.
And here we're trying to get everything finished early
so you won't get sore.
I mean, Jean and I have that picnic deal
Jeepers, Tramp, how am I gonna clean up this yard
if you're gonna keep bringing everything back to me?
BUB: That's right.
I'm a mean, grouchy old man,
with three angel boys for grandsons.
For crying out loud, Tramp,
I'm trying to work! (Barking)
Tramp.
MIKE: No, I didn't mean that.
BUB: Then why don't you say what you mean? Quiet, will you?
That's the trouble around here.
Okay, okay! No one ever says what they mean.
You want to chase something so
bad? MIKE: What did you do, get out.
Then go find this. The wrong side of the bed this morning?
BUB: Listen, the only right side of the bed
at this hour is the sleeping side.
(barking)
Dumb old dog.
Maybe I can get my clunky chore done now.
Now, look, I've asked you nicely to knock it off.
Next time, I'm gonna get tough.
(window shuts)
Guess it's too early to call home.
Saturday morning, the kids
are probably sleeping in a little.
(clock ticking, thunder rumbling)
(sighs)
Besides, if I call, what would I say?
Hi.
Just called to say hello.
(chuckles)
No, no, nothing's wrong.
Just called to say hello, that's all.
No, there's nothing wrong.
Yeah, I know it's Saturday morning.
I know it's early.
Okay, I'm sorry I woke you up.
No, for the last time, there's nothing wrong.
I just called to say hello.
Does something have to be wrong
every time somebody calls somebody?
Okay.
Yeah, well, I'll I'm coming home tomorrow.
I'll see you then.
Good-bye.
No, no, I just, just calling to say hello, that's all.
Good-bye.
(chuckles softly)
How do you like that?
Make a friendly little call to my own home,
and I get balled out for it.
Okay, just for that, I won't call them.
What are you looking for, Ed?
Buried treasure?
Don't move.
What's the matter?
What were you saying about buried treasure?
You flipped or something?
All I see is a old muddy stick.
Yeah, and if you want to see a real explosion,
just try playing catch with it.
Hey, I've never seen one like that before.
Hold it!
What's the matter?
It's only dynamite.
Yeah.
Losing your nerve?
After 40 years in the business, you're afraid of
a little stick of dynamite.
I tell you what.
You give me a half an hour to get away from here
A way away from here
Then you just pick her out, gentle-like,
hold her about two feet above the ground and drop her.
Yeah.
Or maybe maybe hit her with something.
Just a little love tap.
Then you tell me what happens.
Or, well, I guess maybe
I'll just read about it in the papers.
We work with this stuff all the time.
How come this one's so touchy?
Well, I've seen sticks like this
that stand up under a pretty good blow.
Then the next minute,
bee buzzing would set it off.
That's why they quit making them.
How long has this thing been sitting here?
Well, as far as I know,
nobody's used any dynamite up here since,
oh, before the war.
That's over 20 years ago.
Yeah.
And age hasn't mellowed it any either.
She's loaded with nitro
and just aching to go off.
(loud clattering)
BUB: All right, all right, I give up!
I'm up. Oh, hi, Bub.
You go on back to bed.
Saturday's your day to sleep in.
I've got everything under control in here.
(clattering) Looks like it.
Come on, Bub, go back and get some sleep.
Where's the horseradish? Horseradish?
What are you doing with those peanuts?
Oh, it's a surprise.
Now, you go on back to sleep,
and I'll call you when it's ready.
Yeah, well, what are we we having,
horseradish with peanuts over easy?
Aw, Bub, I'm making a horseradish omelet
with peanut pancakes.
Horseradish omelet with peanut?
What are you trying to do, kill us off?
Well, that takes care of this baby.
Wonder how come that thing didn't go off
with that last blast of ours?
Ah, it was probably buried too deep.
Or maybe we just live right.
Who knows why?
(phone rings)
Hello.
(thunder rumbling softly)
Hello.
Op-Operator, uh good morning.
Operator, uh, the phone just rang here,
and when I picked it up, there was nobody on.
I wonder, uh
This Mr. Douglas; I'm in the
Yeah, 1244, that's right.
Steven Douglas.
Look, could you check on that call
and see, uh, where it came from?
Uh, whether we were cut off or
Would you do that?
You don't think there's another
one lying around here, do you?
It'd be one chance in a million if there was.
But we'll keep the signs up and send in a crew
to cover the area just in case.
I was digging right where that thing was buried.
That's right.
You almost had a little retirement party of your own,
about 30 years before you figured on it.
Oh. Good morning.
(thunder rumbling softly)
You have no Steven Douglas registered?
Th Look, I'm Steven Douglas, and I'm in 1244,
and I've been here for three days, Operator.
Well, I don't Look, all I asked was
The-The phone rang here, and when I picked it up,
there was nobody on, and I asked you to check on it.
Yeah, would you please do that?
All right, uh, you call me back then.
Right.
No wonder I haven't had any phone calls.
What if something were wrong at home?
What if they what if they tried to call me?
(thunder rumbling softly)
Tramp, where did you dig this up?
Go help somebody else, will you?
Bet you I could throw this in with my left hand.
Chip, telephone.
If it's that clunky old Doreen,
tell her I'm in Seattle with Dad, on business.
Tell her yourself. But make it snappy.
I'm expecting a call from Jean.
Oh, for gosh sakes.
Hey, come on, beat it, Tramp.
CHIP: Okay, so long, good-bye.
CHIP: Hey, Bub, have you seen my rocket launcher?
BUB: It was probably in Robbie's omelet.
He threw everything else in it.
ROBBIE: I noticed you ate it.
Sure. Had to do something to get rid of the taste
of your peanut pancakes.
We'll be lucky if we make it through the morning.
In fact, I may die any minute.
Who's got the laundry basket? ROBBIE: I do.
Look out, Tramp. You want to get stepped on?
Okay, Robbie, you ready down there?
Aye, aye, sir. Ready?
Aim Fire.
Bombs away.
That all?
Not quite.
Not quite. This'll do it.
(thunder crashing)
Robbie, here's one more.
And one of you guys better get
your gear off the steps.
Boy, around here, you take your life in your hands
just walking down stairs.
(thunder rumbling)
I wonder if Robbie cleaned out
that garage like I asked him to.
Those old newspapers and paint rags
and paint buckets
Spontaneous combustion
It could burn the whole place down.
Here's the launcher.
Now where's the hammer?
Why don't you look in your room.
And while you're looking in your room,
why don't you make your bed.
What for? Nobody's going to see it except Robbie.
Oh, you brought me a stick, huh?
Well, come on.
Oh, you want to play.
(tires squealing)
I wonder if Mike had that left rear tire recapped
on his jalopy like he said he was going to.
Come on now, Tramp.
Come on.
Let me burn that up with the rest of the junk.
You don't want that dirty old stick.
Oh, come on, Tramp.
I haven't got all day.
Better call home.
All right, Tramp, that's a boy.
Yeah, give it Come on.
Doggone it, Tramp!
(rattling phone receiver)
Uh, good morning.
This is Mr. Stevens again I mean Douglas.
I'd like to place a long-distance call.
I'll speak to anybody at
Bring it right here.
Okay, now come on, Tramp.
Come on, I'm tired.
That's a boy.
(phone rings)
It's for me!
Oh, the line is busy.
Look, Operator, I've got to talk to my
No, no, it's not an emergency.
Yeah, well, keep trying, and call me, will you please?
Thank you.
Who's on the phone this hour of the morning?
Oh, it'll be a lot of fun. Yeah.
Then I thought tonight after the picnic,
we can go to the show.
I hear the picture's a real gasser.
Yeah, it's about some monster
who goes around blowing up whole cities.
(phone rings)
Yeah.
Good morning.
Well, how can it still be busy, Operator?
Well, keep trying, will you?
Operator, would you call next door please.
No, no, I'm sorry, I don't mean here, I mean there.
Yes, the number is Larson 7-3601.
Yes, I'll wait.
MIKE: Well, I can't think of anything else to say.
That line is busy, too, huh?
Well, keep trying, will you, Operator.
Keep trying on both of them, and call me, hmm?
Yes.
And the name is not Stevens, it's Douglas.
Maybe all the phones in the neighborhood are busy.
Maybe there's a major disaster of some kind.
Maybe maybe they're all trying to call fire engines
and ambulances, and (thunder rumbling)
Come on now, Douglas, you're
letting your imagination run away with you a little.
The Pearson's phone is busy and our phone is busy
is because Mike is talking to Jean.
It's as simple as that.
But this early on Saturday morning?
Okay. Yeah, I'll talk to you later. Okay.
The heck with it. I'll use my shoe.
(vacuum whirring)
(vacuum whirring, loud pounding) (Bub whistling tune)
(humming tune)
(phone ringing)
(barking)
(vacuum whirring)
(ringing continues)
(phone ringing, thunder crashing)
Yes?
Yes, this is Mr. Stevens.
No answer?
Operator, how can the phone be busy one minute
and no answer the next?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it was your fault.
Look, keep ringing, will you?
This is an emergency.
I know I said that.
But it wasn't then, but it is now.
Will you keep ringing? There has to be somebody there.
(phone ringing)
(pounding)
(phone ringing)
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Chip! Chip, why didn't somebody answer the phone?!
What's going on there?! Is something?
Hi, Dad. Have you seen the hammer?
The hammer?
Look, Chip, what's going on?
I looked in the garage.
Chip, will you listen to me?
Where's Bub?
He doesn't know where it is either.
Chip, look, I didn't call all the way from Seattle
to find out about a hammer.
Now, will you tell me what's going on there, what's wrong?
Don't you kids ever get off the phone?
Who are you talking to?
Dad.
Yeah? What's he want?
He doesn't know where the hammer is either.
What do you mean you don't know where the hammer is either?
You were the last one to use it. (Loud pounding)
You know what time those kids got me up this morning?
It's no wonder you leave town.
I guess that's about the only way
you can get any peace and quiet.
Hey, Bub, we got any glue?
Yeah, it's up there with the soup.
For Pete's sake, Bub, will you stop talking for a minute?
Tell me what's going on there, what's wrong?
What do you mean wrong?
Why should there be something wrong?
Hey, here's the hammer.
Where in tarnation are you, at the airport?
I thought you didn't have to be home till tomorrow.
Is something wrong?
No, no, there's nothing wrong here.
You know you can trust me to take care of things, Steve.
I watch these guys like a hawk.
Believe me, nothing goes on that I don't know about.
Robbie Robbie will you turn that radio down a little.
Chip! (Music playing)
Hold on a minute, will you, Steve?
There seems to be a little problem here.
He, Bub, watch this.
(loud explosion)
Bub?! Bub?!
Operator! (Thunder crashing)
Operator! Operator!
Operator!
Wow, what a blast.
There goes my tennis game.
Your tennis game? What about our picnic.
Must have struck someplace close by.
How do you like that.
A minute ago there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
Robbie, check the upstairs windows.
It's going to pour any minute.
MIKE: I'll take the downstairs.
Oh, Chip.
Come on, Chip, let's go. Put your bike away, come on.
Okay, as soon as I nail this together.
Operator?
Come on, Chip, I said get your bike in
before it floats away. I'm coming.
Now, I mean now.
MIKE: Be sure and check my bedroom window, Robbie.
CHIP: I won't have to take a bath tonight.
ROBBIE: What do you think I'm doing right now?
Hey, Chip, did you close our window?
Get in there, Chip. Now don't bump yourself.
Take it easy now.
Tramp! Tramp!
CHIP: Come back here.
Tramp, haven't you got enough sense
to come in out of the rain?
Tramp, you want to catch cold? Tramp!
BUB: Tramp, if you don't get in here,
you're going to have to spend the day out there.
I'm not going to have you messing up the house, you hear?
Yes, Operator, I was trying to get you.
I was disconnected.
I don't know exactly what happened, but
Oh, I'm still connected.
Everything's all safe upstairs.
(thunder rumbling)
Hello.
Hello, Robbie.
Dad, I thought you were in Seattle.
Well, I am.
I, uh I just called to say hello.
Oh. Hello.
Hello, Rob.
Boy, Dad, talk about bad luck. (Thunder crashing)
Here I finally make a date to play tennis
with Marilyn Turnthurston
and it's raining like pitchforks here.
Yeah, lightning, thunder.
Thunder, huh?
I guess that's what I heard.
Hey, maybe we can go to a movie
if she has any money.
Hey, Dad, do you think it'll clear up by this afternoon?
It's a little hard to tell from here, Rob.
We, uh, we had a big storm coming up here a while ago,
but it seems to have passed right over.
In fact, the sun's shining now.
Yeah, well, I sure wish I was with you.
My whole Saturday's washing right down the drain.
Yeah. Good-bye.
(sighs)
Operator Good morning, Operator.
This is Mr. Douglas
I mean Mr. Stevens in 1244.
That's right Mr. Douglas Stevens.
I left a call for 7:00. Would you change that to?
Just cancel it, will you, Operator?
Thank you.