Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e26 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Are we bothering you, Mom?
Oh, not a bit.
I love working on the books
with the record player going full blast,
and four teenage kangaroos,
dancing the Hooterville Hop.
Well, we're just practicing for the dance next week.
Well, come on, Mrs. Bradley,
do the hop with us.
Oh, not now, kids.
I think I got it worked out.
Take 22 and 11 34.
Yep, there it is.
Mom 22 and 11 are 33, not 34.
Yeah, but 34 makes the books balance.
Ha! You got to know when to leave well enough alone.
Mom
a honeymoon couple just got off the train.
They're on their way up.
A honeymoon couple?
Uh How do you know?
Well, he called her "Dreamboat,"
and she called him "Poopsie,"
and then they kissed and said, "Yum-yum."
You're right, they're honeymooners.
Boy, customers!
Well, what about their luggage?
Uncle Joe's getting it.
You, you check out the bridal suite.
You get out the good silver
and alert the kitchen staff.
That's me!
Can we help, Mrs. Bradley?
"Well, we could use some kindli" for the fireplace.
Do boys like to chop wood?
Well Boys! Boys!
We love to.
Greetings, folks,
and welcome to the Shady Rest Ho
Emily! Kate!
Emily Hoskins!
Oh, of all people!
Now it's Emily Mapes, of all people.
Kate, this is Avery, my husband.
We are on our honeymoon.
Betty, you were right.
How do you do it?
Years of experience.
It's so nice to meet you, Avery.
You Georgia peaches
You always did get the pick of the crop.
Well, thank you.
Emily and I have been friends ever since she left
the magnolia blossoms and honeysuckle country
and moved here to go to school.
Do you know how long ago that was?
Well, it was at le
Well, let me put it this way,
so you kids are on your honeymoon!
Congratulations.
Well, thank you, Kate.
And I'll let you in on a little secret.
Even at our age, marriage is exciting.
Ah The only problem is,
now when I carry my bride over the threshold,
I need help.
Don't look at me; I only carry luggage.
Oh, Joe.
Well, darling, I'll go on upstairs
and start to unpack.
You and Kate must have a lot to talk about.
"About 20 year" worth, darling.
Oh, Kate, you don't know how wonderful
it is to see you again after all these years.
It's wonderful to see you, too, Emily.
Well, enough of the small talk.
How did you meet him?
How did he get you to fall for him?
How'd he get you to marry him?
And how come it took you so long?
Avery is quite a man, isn't he?
Well strictly from a spectator's point of view,
I'd say yes.
Now, tell me, tell me what happened.
Oh, we met at a church social last year.
He was a widower and I was a widow,
and we were both lonely,
and the first thing we knew, we were married.
And you know something, Kate?
It could happen to you, too.
Me? No.
I got children to raise, and I
I'm busy working 24 hours a day running this hotel.
Besides, I I think I'm too old to
think about, uh, romance.
I had children to raise, too, and I was busy myself
running that dry goods store Warren left me.
And if you tell anybody, I'll deny it,
but I happen to be seven months older than you.
Oh, I never think about age,
but you happen to be eight months older.
Anyhow, I don't think
I'm as romantically inclined as you Southern belles.
Kate, it has nothing to do with geography.
It has to do with being a woman.
I know you mean well, Emily.
But I know what's best for me, okay?
Kate, I don't know what I'm going to do with you.
Even in school, you were a stubborn young kid.
Oh, I've changed, plenty.
Sure you have.
Now you're a stubborn old kid.
But I'm not giving up on you.
If you remember, there was one kid in school
that was even more stubborn than you.
I remember you.
Right.
And why not? You were older.
Hi, Mrs. Mapes.
Billie Jo, could I talk to you for a minute?
Sure. Hey, come on, join us.
No, thanks. It-it you see
Come on, it's fun!
Oh, okay.
Say, this is fun.
It's called the Hooterville Hop.
What'd you want to talk about, Mrs. Mapes.
Your mother, she has a problem with men.
What's that, Mrs. Mapes?
I said your mother
she has a problem with men!
Mrs. Bradley? Men?
Which men?
Oh Let's go up to my room.
If we're going to talk about Mom's private life,
let's do it where it's not quite so public.
Gee, Mrs. Mapes, if Mom's unhappy,
she sure doesn't act like it.
She's so full of fun,
and she's always laughing and kidding around.
That's right.
Mom's one of the happiest people you ever saw.
Now, yes, while she has you girls for company,
but how's she going to be in three or four years
when you've all gone off someplace
and gotten married?
Three or four years?!
Who's going to wait that long?
My point exactly.
It could happen tomorrow.
Yeah.
You know, Mrs. Mapes is right, Billie.
When we're gone, it's just going to be.
Mom and Uncle Joe.
And how many games of checkers can she play?
Poor Mom.
Why don't you talk to her, Mrs. Mapes?
I've tried.
I love your mom just like you do,
but she won't listen to me.
Your mother is, um
shall we say, strong-willed.
We just say she's stubborn.
If she's going to find that road to happiness,
you girls are going to have to help her.
You mean help her
in the direction of the right man?
Exactly.
So, it's up to you.
All right, I suggest we go straight to Mom
and make her change her mind about finding a man.
Oh, you got to be kidding.
Us make Mom change her mind?
Sweet, lovable, mule-y Mom?
Oh, come on, now.
She'll listen to reason.
Sure she will.
So you do the talking.
Me?!
Wait a minute now.
You know how mule-y Mom is.
It's too late, you're stuck.
I second the sticking.
Keep talking, Bobbie Jo.
Your suggestion is very interesting.
Billie Jo and Betty Jo didn't think you'd listen,
but I knew that if the facts were properly pointed out,
you'd want to get interested in a man.
Because you see,
we've decided what you should do with your life.
I see.
And I was elected to make the suggestion.
I have another suggestion.
Go ahead, but this one better get off the ground.
Well, since the direct approach
doesn't seem to work with Mom
And I speak from bitter experience
I say, we trick her.
Hey, you're right.
We'll have her walking arm-in-arm
with the right man
before she even knows she shook hands with him.
And we'll find him.
How? Mom's not going to go out
and try to hook a man on her own.
And there are no fish in these waters.
So what we've got to do is stock the pond.
Hey, that's a wonderful idea!
I still say, why do we have to find
eligible traveling salesmen
when we have plenty of bachelors in our neck of the woods?
Sure. Except we went over the entire list,
and every single one of them
are either under 17 or over 70.
Uncle Joe, have you heard the Cannonball whistle yet?
Not yet. What are you girls aiming to do?
We're going to prove it takes four to make a marriage.
Four?
Sure. An available widow and three anxious daughters.
Wait a minute. Do my ears deceive me?
Are you girls trying to find a man for your mother?
Sure, Uncle Joe.
We've got to help her build a bright, happy future.
What are you talking about?
Your mother is the happiest woman in the world.
Now, yes.
But what's it going to be like for her when we're gone?
That's no problem.
We'll just play more checkers together.
Oh, Uncle Joe,
we know you'll try to make her happy,
but she'll need more in her life than checkers.
Okay. On weekends, we'll play cribbage.
The Cannonball's here! Come on!
Charge! Good-bye, Uncle Joe!
And when we get back,
we'll be loaded with marriage bait!
Wait, girls!
Wait! What you're doing's dangerous!
Wait!
Crazy kids, stirring up trouble.
Bring some strange men around here,
the first thing you know, one of 'em will take Kate
walking in the moonlight
and whisper sweet nothin's in her ear.
A low-down skunk like that is just after one thing
My job.
Look, we've got to work fast.
The Cannonball's due in five minutes
and the salesmen are beginning to arrive.
Ah, there's some likely looking fish in that school.
But they won't stop at the Shady Rest.
On the weekend, all the salesmen
like to go on through to Pixley.
Sure. There's more to do there.
I know. But at the Shady Rest,
there's so much less to pay.
Now then, this weekend only,
all rates will be cut in half
for attractive middle-aged bachelors and widowers.
That'll get 'em.
But Mom would never stand for that.
Well, she'll never know about it.
We'll make up the difference ourselves.
Now, how much have you got?
Six dollars.
But I've been saving up
for a permanent at the beauty shop.
Well, what's more important:
a new hair style or your mother's happiness?
In the future, don't call me Curly.
Well, here's my ten dollars.
And who wanted that adorable new green sweater, anyhow?
Oh, good. With this plus my nine dollars,
we can stake Mom to a nice wide selection.
Come on.
Pardon me, sir.
But how would you like to spend a delightful weekend
at a breathtakingly beautiful resort hotel
for a mere fraction of the usual rates?
That sounds great.
It is, if you qualify.
Qualify? Yes, sir.
Are you married?
No. Then you qualify.
Sounds wonderful.
Oh, it is, that is, if you qualify.
Are you married?
Well, yes, I am.
Oh, I'm sorry. You don't qualify.
I've been a bachelor all my life.
You qualify.
Oh, pardon me, sir.
But how would you like to spend
a fun-filled weekend at a lively resort hotel,
and if you qualify, you Reverend Mimms.
Hi, there.
How's Mrs. Mimms and all the little Mimmses?
Just fine, thank you. Just fine.
Billie Jo Bradley, what's all this about
a fun-filled weekend at a resort hotel?
Oh, nothing at all. I was just kidding around.
Reverend, it was very nice talking to you,
and I'm looking forward
to hearing your sermon next week.
Yes, that might be a good idea.
Pardon me, sir.
But how would you like to spend a fun-filled weekend
This is it, gentlemen, the Shady Rest Hotel.
Go right on up the hill.
That's where you'll find your hostess
for the weekend, the charming
and attractive widow, Kate Bradley.
Don't be bashful, talk to her.
She's very friendly.
And not only that
Yeah, quite a place.
I hope the beds are good.
Here we go.
Thank you.
How do you do?
Say, that's a great-looking lineup
of hot prospects.
And eligible, every hand-picked one of them.
How in the world did you get them here?
American know-how.
Well, however you did it, you did it
and I'm proud of you.
Now, if your mother will just show
Isn't this wonderful, all these new guests?
They're all men.
And all single.
What's that? Uh I mean
they look like wonderful guests,
every single one of them.
Oh. Well, I've got to go fix dinner.
Oh, no, Mom, we'll do that.
You're going to be too busy
entertaining the guests.
I am? Mm-hmm.
Well, sure, Mom. We haven't had
this many men, I mean guests,
in such a long time, and you've got to make sure
that they feel right at home.
I do? Of course you do, Kate.
But you're not going to do it in that dress.
I'm not?
Well, no. Certainly not, darling.
You come on upstairs with me.
I have a knockout of a dress for you.
It's an original from Cleveland.
What's wrong with this dress?
Well, it's all right, Kate.
It just isn't you.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Operation Manpower is underway.
How does she look?
All I can say is I'm glad I met Avery first.
She's putting the finishing touches on now.
She'll be right down.
Well, good evening, Miss Bradley.
You know, I've got to admit you're right.
This hotel is loaded with charm.
Well, if you think the hotel is loaded with charm,
wait till you see the lady who runs it.
Good evening, Kate Bradley, I'm everybody.
I mean, good evening everybody, I-I
Well, you all know who you are.
Kate, you look lovely.
Lovely isn't the word for it. Oh
Right, the word is "wow!"
Oh, dear Good evening, Mrs. Bradley.
I'm Wilbur Spriggs. I'm in farm equipment.
I'm Grover Woodstock.
I'm in hay and grain.
Well, I'm in luck to have such
charming gentlemen as my weekend guests.
My name's Tom Hartley,
and it's a great pleasure to be the guest
of such a charming lady. Thank you.
Just look at Mom, Uncle Joe.
Isn't it wonderful?
Wonderful? Ridiculous.
Flock of middle-aged roosters crowing over
the only chick in the barnyard.
Oh, Uncle Joe, let her enjoy herself.
After all this time, her sociable instincts
are beginning to show.
Well, small wonder in that dress.
Dinner is served.
Come on and get it, everybody.
May I escort you in to dinner, Mrs. Bradley?
Well, I Now just a minute,
I thought I was to have the pleasure?
Please, let's not overlook the delegate
from the hay and grain business.
Well, gentlemen, um, I have an idea.
Why don't we all go in together?
Come on, Uncle Joe, let's go eat.
Oh, you go ahead, Billie Jo,
I ain't hungry.
I'll get my appetite back in the morning
when I get rid of them fortune-hunting vultures.
Come in.
I'm the house detective, Bulldog Carson.
I'm up here to put a stop to the carryings on
you've been carrying on.
Huh, what's that?
Now listen, this is a respectable hotel.
We don't put up with mashers like you
pestering the elderly lady that owns this place.
I don't follow you.
The complaint is, you've been following her.
Hey, hold on.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You know what I'm talking about.
Mrs. Bradley, the heavily made up woman with the gray hair.
Oh, I forgot, this week, she's a blonde again.
Now wait a minute!
We're on to your type, you low-down gigolo.
Take my advise: The next train goes through here
in 20 minutes; Be on it.
Look, if you don't get out of here, I'm gonna
Y-you and the rest of them scoundrels
better be gone, pronto.
Remember, I'm packing a blackjack here,
and a heater here.
You're not messing with kids, you know.
This here is Bulldog Carson hisself.
Come on, Bulldog, back to the kennel.
Mr. Woodstock, I don't know what's been going round
in my uncle's head If anything
But please accept my apologies.
Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Bradley.
I should've expected it.
This whole deal was whacky from the start.
Am I married or single?
Reduced rates for bachelors and widowers?
It's beyond me.
Married or single?
Reduced rates for bachelors?
Why, those little rascals!
They sure are, Kate.
All them others and this one, too.
No, no, Uncle Joe. Not them, the girls.
Why they cooked up this whole thing
to push me into romance.
I could've told you that, Kate.
I got an eye like a hawk.
A minute ago, you were a bulldog.
Mr. Woodstock, would you mind meeting me
on the porch in an hour?
Sure, Mrs. Bradley, but
I'll round up the other gentlemen.
We'll have a little powwow.
Together, we'll strike a blow for the older generation.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
Okay, Woodstock, I'm through with you.
You can go back to sleep now.
Come on, Bulldog.
You ought to see what goes on in our house.
I live with my sister and her teenage daughters,
and they've been making all
my important decisions for years.
Now, my children are married
and scattered all over the country.
So they're forced to run my
life by long distance telephone.
Collect.
So then you understand what I'm talking about?
Of course we do.
And you'll go along with what I want to do tonight?
Boys, I've changed my minds about you.
Any group of grown men who're
scared to death of teenagers can't be all bad.
Say, where do you suppose.
Mother's been hiding all day?
I don't know, but I sure hope
she's out with those fellas; That'd be great.
I hope she's been out with just one of them.
That'd be even greater.
Yeah. Hey, you know that tall one
with the gray hair, I think he's
Girls! Girls, come quick!
Your mom's gone plum love loony.
Oh, Uncle Joe, what's wrong with her?
What happened, Uncle Joe? It's
too brain-shattering to describe.
You'll have to come to the lobby and see for yourselves.
Uncle Joe!
Oh, Uncle Joe, what were you talking about?
Mom isn't even here.
Yes, where is she?
Whoopie!
Happy New Year, boys. Did you miss me?
Yeah. Hi, good-looking.
Say, what kind of a party is this?
I want dancing, singing, revelry.
Attagirl, Kate, anything you say.
Thanks, doll.
♪
Now, which one of you handsome, eligible gentlemen
is going to get me some of that punch?
How about you, Grover honey? You're cute.
Wow!
You're not so bad, either, tall, gray
and, boy, would you make a great husband.
It looks like Mom and it sounds like Mom.
But it's got to be somebody else.
Ah, you're okay, Katie-baby.
You, too, Wilbur.
You're Rudolph Valentino with a crew cut.
Well Ooh, and those eyes,
they're dreamy.
Can that be Mom?
Our Mom?
Sweet, wise, level-headed, sensible Mom?
It is, but there's nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about?
No, you see we're all having the same nightmare.
Pinch yourself, you'll see.
Ouch! Darn it.
Come on, we better try and talk to her.
Oh, you fascinating rascal!
Sit down here.
Mom, can we talk to you for a minute?
What'd you have on your mind, youngster?
Some other place, Mom.
Yeah, like outside about five miles away.
Stand back, party poopers.
Let your mother enjoy herself.
Please, Mother. You were right.
This is the good life!
You know if I weren't having so much fun,
I'd spank you for not having told me about it before.
Come on, Tom.
Start tickling those ivories,
loud and fast. You got it, Katie-baby.
That's my kind of music.
The Hooterville Hop.
Come on, everybody, let's hop.
Come on. Mom, please listen to us.
Whoopie! Do the Hooterville Hop
and hop all the way to Pixley.
Keep it moving. Don't drag.
That's it.
Oh, you boys are good
Mom's not acting at all the way we planned.
She sure is unfair.
Girls, we've created a spruced up,
permanent wave, glamorous Frankenstein.
♪
How am I doing, Grover?
Great, and the way your girls look now,
they wouldn't try to tell you how to run your life
if you got on your hands and knees and begged them.
Hey, this is fun!
Oh, now you got it! Swing it!
Come on, it's my turn.
Ah, this is very
Oh, good evening, Mr. Carson.
Evening, Reverend Mimms.
What's all that noise in there?
Well, Kate and me and some of the guests
Reverend Mimms.
Yes, I, uh just happened to be
in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop by
and see how you're all getting along.
Oh, we're just getting along fine.
Nice of you to ask.
Well, be seeing you around. Good night.
Katie, you're the greatest!
Whoopie! Come on, fellas.
Let's make this place jump!
Mr. Carson, just what is going on in there?
Would you believe it if I told you
Kate and the guests were rehearsing
for the Hooterville barbershop quartet contest?
No.
I didn't think so.
Would you believe it if I told
Mr. Carson, your niece is one of the best-liked
and most respected women in this community.
Now, if there's something wrong in there,
I want to help.
♪
Reverend Mimms
How nice of you to drop in.
What's new?
I'm glad you're so understanding, Reverend Mimms,
but I guess a man in your work must run
into this sort of thing fairly often.
Fairly often? Every day.
I've got four teenagers of my own.
It all worked out great.
The girls know once and for all that Kate
ain't interested in finding a man, right Kate?
Wrong.
I'll be interested when the right man comes along,
but I'm going to do my own finding.
Well, tell me, Mrs. Bradley,
do you think your trick worked?
Will your girls stop trying to run your life?
Oh, sure.
It cost me a crick in the back
and blisters on my feet,
but they're going to leave me alone from now on.
Yeah, they're cured all right.
You can take my word for it.
Mom, if you're going to stand out here like this,
you need a sweater.
I-I'm fine.
Mom, please, put it on.
I'm fine.
Mom, now, put that sweater on, you're gonna
Girls! I think I'm old enough
to know when I need a sweater.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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