The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e26 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
Starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
What are you doing?
I'm playing checkers.
With yourself?
Yeah.
How are you doing?
Won two and lost two.
Any other games
you play by yourself?
Yeah. I sometimes play myself
two-handed Rob the Deck Casino.
You do?
Yeah, and sometimes
I also play myself
a four-handed game of
Parcheesi. Do you mind?
( chuckles): No, I don't mind.
There's something I wish
you'd do for me, though.
What's that?
If you was to ever play
yourself a game of ping-pong,
I wish you'd let me know,
because that I got to see.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, Andy.
Here, open up some of the mail.
Maybe you wrote
yourself a letter.
Never know when to stop, do you?
Just go on and on
and on and on and on and on.
It's kind of a sickness
with you, I guess.
Oh, Barney, I was
just picking at you.
Oh.
Hey, we got a package from
the Hughbacher Brothers.
Oh. Where are they now?
They're still doing
time up at State Prison.
Let's see what it is.
Oh, they're in leathercraft.
A wallet for me and
a bookmark for you.
Aw. You know, they are three
of the nicest fellas
we ever sent up.
Yeah.
Oh, here's a note.
Huh.
It says, uh, it says,
"Dear Andy and Barney."
It says, "Hi from state prison.
"As you can see
from the enclosed,
"we are learning a trade.
"As you probably have heard,
we were separated a while,
"when Elmer went out on parole,
but thank heavens he's back
with us, and we're
all together again."
That's nice.
It is nice.
"Yours truly, the
Hughbacher Brothers.
"P.S. We're having
a wonderful time.
Wish you were here, ha, ha."
( laughs)
They wish we was
there, in the prison.
( laughs): Yeah.
They're funny boys.
We oughta drive up
there some Sunday
and see them.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
What's the matter?
This is from the State
Inspector's Office.
Uh, they're sending
a man down here
to look us over!
Oh, is that all?
What do you mean, "is that all?"
Well, it's just routine.
They send a man down
every now and then.
Nothing to get head up about.
Hey, this must have
been late getting here.
Says he'll be coming in today.
Today?!
Oh, my gosh, Andy.
We got to get ready!
Yeah, boy.
I got to get my
fishing gear together
and oil up my huntin' guns.
Oh, how can you think
about fishin' and huntin'
when there's an inspector
coming, and today?
Well, this is awful.
It's just awful.
Well, Barney, no use to get
your skinny little
veins to popping.
It's just Sam Allen.
Uh, Sam Allen?
Oh, that's right.
You wasn't here when
he come down before.
Sam Allen he's the inspector.
He's a buddy of mine.
He comes down, and
we go fishin' and huntin'.
It's more of a social
call than anything else.
Well, I don't care.
It's still an inspection,
and I think we ought
to be ready for him.
Uh! Oh!
Wouldn't you know it?
The cells would have
to be empty today.
Now, how does that look?
Well it looks
empty is how it looks.
Yeah. Well, it sure
doesn't speak well
for the law around here.
I'm going to go out
and get us a prisoner.
Barney, we don't
need a prisoner.
Yes, we do. We need
one to dress up the place.
All right, Otis,
come on, let's go.
I got one, Andy.
Otis gets to be it, huh?
Doggone it, Otis,
you're a prisoner.
Now, act like one.
But I like you, Barney.
You're my friend.
Yeah, well, that's
all well and good,
but you ain't supposed to be
hugging me when
I'm arresting you.
Andy, tell him it
ain't regulation.
But he likes you, Barney.
All right, take it
easy, Otis. Come on.
Andy, my other good friend.
Yeah. You ain't supposed
to hug the sheriff, neither.
But I like you both.
You're both my good friends,
and I'm glad to be with you.
This is my birthday.
Oh, ain't that nice?
( chuckles)
For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪
Jolly good fellow ♪
For I'm a jolly
good fellow ♪
You know something? What?
I got drunk just so I
could come over here
to be with you, so
you could help me
celebrate my birthday.
Aw, you didn't
have to do that, Otis.
Why, you would have
been welcome, anyhow.
No, that's like going
to a friend's store
and not buying anything.
( laughs)
Sheriff? Huh?
Can I use your phone?
Sure. Help yourself. Thanks.
Hey, Otis. Yeah?
It's, uh it's over here.
Oh.
( chuckles)
I'm a jolly good fellow ♪
'Cause I'm a
jolly good fell ♪
Hello, Sarah? This
is Otis Campbell.
There been any calls
for me about my birthday?
Nobody called to wish me
a happy birthday. Nobody.
All right, Otis.
Let's get locked up. Come on.
In the cell, in the cell.
Oh, now wait. Wait
a minute, Barney.
You can't lock Otis up today.
It's his birthday.
But the inspector's coming.
And it's my birthday.
Hey, I got a idea.
Sam'll get a kick out of this.
Him and Otis are
practically buddies.
Hey, Otis? Hmm?
Guess who's coming.
Who?
Sam Allen.
He is? Yep, and
when he gets here,
we're gonna
celebrate your birthday.
We are?
Yeah. Oh, this'll tickle Sam.
I'll go get us a cake.
( moans)
What's the matter?
Somebody remembered my birthday.
Hey, Barney
guard your prisoner.
Birthday party in a jail.
Jimminy, that's enough
to make a lawman cry.
For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪
For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪
For I'm a jolly
good fellow ♪
( door opening)
Yes? What can I do for you?
How do you do?
I'm from the State
Inspector's office.
Oh, well, welcome
to Mayberry, Mr. Allen.
Allen? I'm not Allen.
Oh, I, I thought you
said you were from
the State Inspector's office.
I am, but my name
is Case, Ralph Case.
I replaced Sam Allen.
You you you
replaced Sam Allen?
That's right.
You're, uh, Sheriff Taylor?
Yeah. No.
No, no. I'm the deputy.
Barney Fife.
CASE: Don't tell
me that's the sheriff.
Who?
Him.
Oh, him?
Oh, my goodness, no.
Th-that's not the sheriff.
Well, who is it?
Well uh
he's a prisoner.
A prisoner?
Well
What is this prisoner
doing out of his cell?
Huh?
This prisoner is
not in a cell. Why?
Why?
Well
( snores)
I had him on a work detail, sir.
Sheriff Taylor
says to always keep
these prisoners hoppin'.
I guess I I sorta
over-hopped him.
I have to watch myself.
You see, I have a
tendency to get brutal.
All right, let's go, Otis.
Come on. Get them feet down.
Let's get in that cell!
Come on, hut, hut, hep, haw.
( slurred): Jolly
good fellow ♪
And stop that singing!
This is a prison, not a hotel.
All right, let's get in there.
( Cowboy roundup yell)
Here's the cake.
Where's Otis?
Sheriff Taylor?
How do?
I'll be with you in a minute.
Hold this.
Otis, what are you
a-doin' in there?
You're supposed to
be the guest of honor.
Now, you come on
out here, birthday boy.
Andy, this is the
new inspector
Mr. Cake uh, Case.
Oh, how do?
Oh, this is Otis Campbell.
It's my birthday.
Sam Allen ain't comin'?
Oh, I'm taking
Mr. Allen's place.
Sam ain't feelin' poorly, is he?
He's on a leave of absence.
Oh, well, we're
glad you're here.
We were just fixin'
to have a little party.
Everybody forgot Otis' birthday.
Sheriff?
ANDY: Hey, maybe afterwards,
we could do a little fishin'.
Sheriff, I didn't
come here to fish.
Want to do a
little frog-giggin'?
Nor to go frog-gigging.
You're not much
like Sam, are you?
Apparently not.
Excuse me.
( whispering):
Otis get in the cell.
But this is my birthday
In, in, in, in, in.
Party-pooper.
Ain't they nice doilies?
My Aunt Bee made those, by hand.
Sheriff, I've
inspected many a jail,
but I have never
seen one like this.
Why, thank you.
What I mean is, this jail
doesn't even seem like a jail.
ANDY: Well, now, I'm
glad it hit you that way.
That's exactly the effect
we was tryin' to achieve.
Some of our prisoners
have said that our cells
are kind of like a
home away from home.
Home away from?
Well, see, most of our prisoners
are friends and neighbors
and different ones like that,
and, well, we figure
that they've already met
with some kind of
misfortune somewhere else,
and we don't want to make it
any more unpleasant
for them than we can help.
You see what I mean?
It's amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
Why, thank you.
Much obliged.
Sheriff Taylor,
haven't you ever read
any textbooks on
proper procedure?
Any sort of police manual?
Um, no, I can't say that I have.
I-I did used to take the
Police Gazette though.
But I, I had to cut it out
when Deputy Fife
joined the force.
Well, see, it had a lot
of girlie pictures in it,
and Barney, he he's
never been married.
( clearing throat)
Uh, boy, it, uh
it sure is nice to have
these babies around.
( chuckles)
Your sidearm, please.
Sir?
Your pistol.
It, uh, is a pistol?
Oh, yes, sir.
There aren't any
bullets in this gun.
Oh, well, Barney keeps
his bullet in his pocket.
In his pocket?
Mm-hmm.
Well, why don't you put it
in the pistol where it belongs?
Yes, sir.
Aw, Mr. Case, I
( gunshot)
Andy, take that
thing away from him,
'fore he kills us all.
See, Mr. Case, that's
why we've generally found
it better if Barney keeps
his bullet in his pocket.
See, he's, he's got this
greasy trigger finger.
Sheriff Taylor, this
is the worst excuse
for a jail I've ever seen.
I'd hate to think
what would happen
if something serious
came up here.
It would be chaotic, disastrous.
Well, there ain't no use
thinking gloomy thoughts.
Golly, look on the bright side.
Well, we'll see if
there is a bright side.
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to call my
chief at the state capital,
and have him come down
here and see this for himself.
Well, what for?
To see whether or not
I'm right in recommending
that impeachment proceedings
be started against you
and your force.
A sheriff's office should be
run by the sheriff and his deputy,
not the Katzenjammer Kids.
Huh.
First, I didn't think
that fella was so bad,
but all of a sudden,
he sure does have
a lot of nasty in him.
Oh, Andy, this is
awful, just awful.
I'm out a bullet, and
you'll soon be out a job.
And I'm out a birthday party.
Oh, hi, Op.
Got here as fast
as I could, Paw.
Huh?
Barney was just at the house.
He told Aunt Bee there
was an inspector here
making trouble.
Oh, leave it to Barney.
He said you might have a chance
if you was at least in uniform.
Said you needed a hat and a tie,
so I brought you these.
Oh.
They okay, Paw?
It was all I could find.
Oh, I reckon.
Is that inspector going
to make trouble for you?
No.
Sure hope not, Paw.
'Cause I think
you're the best sheriff
in the whole world.
Even if you don't carry a gun.
Well, thank you
for that testimonial.
Still, though
if Barney thinks I ought
to keep up appearances
maybe I ought to give her a try.
You run along home.
Okay, Paw.
And thank you for these.
Okay.
Andy?
Back here, Barn.
Andy, I just seen
Inspector Case, and he
oh, it's just awful, just awful.
What's up?
Andy!
Sheriff Andy Taylor
reporting for inspection, sir.
Andy, what's that?
Well, didn't you go
over to the house
and tell them to send
me a hat and tie?
Well, yes. So
you'd be in uniform.
Not in trick or treat!
Aw, you don't like
my hat and tie?
Look at this tie. See
that? See them dots there?
See, you look at them
dots and then look away
and you still see 'em.
You want to try? Hmm?
You, you like my hat with
the brim up or down better?
I guess down for
evening and up for day.
Now, look, Andy,
you ain't heard the worst.
I just seen Inspector
Case a little while ago.
Oh, is old Mr. Nasty
still around?
He sure is, and what's more,
he really did call his boss,
and he's coming here.
He's really coming.
Well, what do you
expect me to do?
I'm cleaning the place up.
Well, Andy, you
heard what he said.
This is the sorriest
jail he's ever seen.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about
that too much, Barney,
coming from a total stranger.
Stranger? Andy,
that man's an official.
An official official.
And the official
he's bringing in
is even more official.
Oh, Barney.
Andy, do you
realize what a world
they can do to us if they?
Barney!
You beat everything.
The key would have to be
in the other door.
Oh oh this is awful.
This is just awful.
Do you think maybe
we'd better call?
Maybe somebody
outside will hear us.
Hmm. Might as well.
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help! Out there, help!
Help!
Oh, Mr. Case?
Mr. Case?
Well, here we are again.
I guess you're wondering
what we're doing in here.
Uh, uh, uh, we was just
conducting an experiment
to see how escape-proof
this jail really is.
And I want to tell you,
when this thing is locked
you really can't get outta here.
Look at this.
The fact is,
the door slammed
and locked us in.
There's a key in that
door right behind you there.
If you'd get it and let us out,
we'd appreciate it.
Sheriff, this morning
I thought I'd seen
all the shenanigans
there were to see.
But I guess I was wrong.
Only one thing I'm sorry about.
That my chief wasn't
here to see it all.
But, uh, maybe you'll put
on a special show for him?
Hmm, polka dot tie.
Oh, these.
I was just funnin' with Barney.
Well, Sheriff, you
just go right on funnin',
and when my chief gets here,
which should be any minute now,
we'll all sit down
and have a little talk
about the housecleaning
that this office is in for.
Housecleaning?
Now, look here, Mr. Case.
You can carry on
and make threats
against me all you want to,
but you're scaring my
deputy half to death,
and I wish you'd just stop it.
A-Andy, please.
You can be insolent, too.
Very well.
It'll all be down in here.
MAN: Sheriff? Sheriff?
ANDY: What is it, Sam?
You've got to
come quick, Sheriff.
It's Luke Reiner.
He's got his still
operating again,
and he heard somebody say
that they was
going to report it.
So he's locked hisself up
in his house, and he's
shooting away at the world.
Won't let anybody come near
the house. That old buzzard.
You mean this man
has himself barricaded
and is firing at
people? That's Luke.
He can be awful
mean. Come on, Barney.
Sheriff, aren't you going to
call the State Police for help?
I reckon we can handle it.
Sheriff, this calls for
an experienced lawman.
Yeah, come on, Barney.
Sheriff!
Sheriff!
( gunshot)
He ain't just kidding, is he?
No, he ain't.
Hey, Luke!
Luke! This is Andy Taylor!
I want to talk to
you ( gunshots)
I might have known it.
You're talking to him
like you'd like to
have a folksy little chat.
We got to show him
that we mean business.
You got a portable loudspeaker?
Yeah, yeah. Right
here in the trunk.
We use it a lot.
At picnics.
You know, calling races
and games and such.
Now, hear this.
This is Inspector
Case, State Police.
We've got you surrounded.
I want you to drop your
gun and come out here
with your hands up. ( gunshot)
That man's dangerous, a maniac.
We'll smoke him out.
Got any tear gas?
Tear gas?
Aw, come on.
Well Sheriff, what do you
intend to do, just stay here?
I'm just giving him a
minute to simmer down.
It's time we stopped
playing games.
Mayberry to State Police.
Mayberry to State Police.
Mayberry to Sta
What are you calling
the State Police for?
To get the job done. Get
equipment in here guns, tear gas
If necessary, to blast him out.
Mayberry to State Police.
Well now, that all sounds
as big deal as can be,
but it ain't really necessary.
Well, just what are
you planning to do?
Well, if you're finished with
all your proper procedure,
I reckon we'll just
go about our business
and arrest that fella up there.
Mayberry to State Police. May
Mr. Case
you're getting everybody
all head up over nothing.
Now, I'm still the sheriff here
and I'm bound to do my own job.
But that man's a menace.
He tried to kill me.
You mean, when
he shot your hat off?
Naw. If Luke had wanted to
hurt you, he'd have hurt you.
He can shoot the ears
off a fly at 40 paces.
He's just being a little cussed.
And if you'll quit
playin' with the radio,
I'll just go up there
and put a stop to it.
Now, Luke, I want you
to stop that right now.
Sheriff Taylor! You
better come back here!
( gunshot)
He's going to
get himself killed.
Andy knows what he's doing.
( gunshot)
I hope.
( gunshot)
( horn honking)
Mr. Brady, I'm sure
glad you got here.
You sounded
desperate on the phone.
What's going on here?
It's the Sheriff, sir.
Look at him.
( gunshot)
That's him, walking right
straight into that gunfire.
Don't you think we ought
to call the State Police?
Wait just a minute, Case.
But, uh, he'll get
killed, sir. He'll
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, Luke
Actin' like a young'un.
Bad enough you
shooting at Barney and me,
but taking potshots
at a total stranger?
You know better than that.
What's the matter with you?
All right, take the
prisoner, Deputy.
All right, better let me
have that rifle, Sheriff.
Come on, you,
let's get in the car.
Fool around with us, will ya?
Come on, move!
Hup, hup, hup, hey-hah!
Get in there! Come on!
Lift them, lift
them! Get in there!
Well, that was a
nice job, Sheriff.
Oh, uh, my name is
Brady State Police.
Oh, how do?
Took a lot of courage.
Oh, not really.
We come up and flush ol'
Luke out every now and then.
Oh? Yeah.
Oh, Case, what was that
phone call of yours all about?
What's the complaint here?
Oh, yes, sir.
I want to report a chocolate
birthday cake with candles,
a gun went off,
there were doilies on the chairs
and he was standing there
wearing a polka dot tie
He yes. I saw him.
He had a big polka dot tie on,
and he was standing there
And, and then the
deputy was was, uh
he had a, uh, uh
Oh, well, never mind, Mr. Brady.
Never mind.
You know something?
I-I think that boy's
been working too hard.
Oh?
Yeah.
He's right curious acting.
Well, Sheriff
you can now say that you
have a clean bill of health
from the head of the department.
Oh, much obliged, Mr. Brady.
( chuckles): So long, Sheriff.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, come on, Case.
Bye, Mr. Case. Come
back and see us.
Yes, of course.
Oh, uh, Mr. Case whenever
you make out your report,
I surely would appreciate it
if you didn't mention
the doilies in our jail.
Well, we wouldn't want the
other sheriffs stealin' our decor.