The Looney Tunes Show s01e26 Episode Script
Point, Laser Point
- Height? - 3'6".
We'll put 6'3".
Weight? I don't know.
It fluctuates.
Uh, 80? You're 6-foot-3.
We'll put 185.
Are you sure about this? Trust me, I'm an expert at online dating.
But what's gonna happen when I finally meet one of these women? Won't they be disappointed? Any woman that goes out with Porky Pig Is gonna be disappointed no matter what.
Which brings us to your name.
We can keep pig or Porky, but we can't keep both.
[Sighs.]
Keep Porky.
Keep Pig? You know what, let's dump them both.
Your name's Lorenzo Vilagairirosa.
There, you're done.
What about my picture? But you can hardly see me.
Precisely, Lorenzo.
The Looney Tunes Show Season 1, Episode 26- Point, Laser, Point! It's been almost an hour and no one's clicked on my profile.
I knew we shouldn't have included a picture.
What's up, doc? Daffy set me up on a dating website.
[Chomps and spits.]
Did you ever think to come to me for this kind of thing? It doesn't matter anyway.
No one's interested.
[Computer beeps.]
Uh, Porky, I think someone's interested.
- "Hello.
I like your profile.
" [Gasps.]
Wow.
"Thanks for your--" What are you doing? Don't write her back until you know what she looks like.
- [Computer beeps.]
- [All gasp.]
Granny? Granny's on a dating website? I'm on a dating website.
She must be lonely.
I'm lonely.
Yeah, but lives in a big house all by herself.
I live in a big house all by myself.
At least she has pets.
Huh, maybe I should get a pet.
What? Pets are people who have no hope Of finding another adult who will love them.
Huh.
Now that I put it that way, You should definitely get a pet.
My computer.
And Lorenzo seemed like such a nice man.
I can't just spend all my time with a cat and a bird.
- [Rash.]
- Oh! Sylvester! Stop chasing, Tweety bird.
If you need something to do, Why don't you play with one of those cat toys I bought you? [Laughs.]
Look, Sylvester, It's a mouse.
You're kidding me, right? I can see the string.
What about this one? And this is fun because? Let's see what else I have here.
A pen? Ooh, are we going to balance your checkbook? Fun.
[Gasps.]
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Where did it go? Aah! Now it's over there.
How did it get over there? [Laughing.]
[Panting.]
It's like a bird, a mouse, and a can of tuna all mixed up into a perfect red dot.
A-ha! Gotcha! You're mine, all mine.
I'm never gonna let you go.
What the? Remind me again why we're doing this? Because she's a little old lady With no one to keep her company but a cat and a bird.
So now she's gonna hang out with a duck and a rabbit? [Scoffs.]
Seems like a lateral move.
We're her neighbors.
It's the right thing to do.
Oh, hello.
[Stammers.]
All right.
Knock of the pleasantries, grandma.
We know you're lonely, so let's go do something and get it over with.
Hmm.
Spending time with a rabbit and a duck Instead of a cat and a bird.
Oh, seems like a lateral move.
Huh? Oh, I mean, I'd love some company.
I was just about to go sailing.
Sailing? You sail? [Chuckles.]
Every weekend.
Sailing.
This is gonna be fun.
[Clicks.]
Little air back here.
[Turns engine on.]
Oh, my.
Oh, little red dot.
Where are you? Hmm.
[Pills rattle.]
Ahh.
[Glass shatters.]
Hmm! Where is that red dot? Where is that yellow bird? Take that, you nasty old zombie.
[Video game noises.]
Aah! Oh, he got me.
That makes two of us.
Before you eat me, Will you grant me one last request? I suppose so.
After all, I'm an animal, not a monster.
Will you hand me that? What, this pen? Ha ha! What are you gonna do, Write out your last will and testament? [Gasps.]
Ohh! My red dot is back.
Go on, go get it.
Oh, it's over there, putty cat.
Oops, I was wrong.
It's over there.
Oh, much improved.
I don't even want it, but I gotta have it.
I don't even know what it is, But I need it.
Huh? Yoo-hoo! [Gulps.]
Mother.
[Blabbering.]
Whoa! What's wrong with me? I can't do anything but think about that red dot.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, look, a kitty.
Aah! Aah! Aah! I need help! How fortuitous.
How serendipitous.
How propitious.
Best class I ever took.
[Horns honking.]
Great day in the morning.
I'm gonna be sick and I'm not even on the boat yet.
We're here.
Let's start sailing.
Where's the ocean? Yard sailing.
We should have just let Porky go out with her.
[Buzzer.]
Ahem.
Ahem.
You Sylvester? Ok, right this way, baby.
Uh, good luck, You know, with whatever you're going through.
Hey, Pinky, can I get you something? It's Saturday night and I've got a full place But you're ruining the vibe with your lonely face Seating alone in a booth built for six Doing sudoku won't get you chicks You're not the most hopeless case in the world You just have to chance your approach to the girls They do not care about dungeons and dragons Creepy They don't to hear about these tales you know They don't care about how many comic books you own If you tell them you will not get them on the phone So no more spending Friday nights at home Eat ice cream all alone Sitting in your easy chair Beating yourself at Solitaire I don't care what's on TV Come hit the town with me It will be the mom to meet a girl that's not your mom You are not allowed to call action figures friends Get some exercise, pull-ups and deep knee bends Go to parties and show us just how good you look Do not stay at home reading Harry Potter books Groove with me Girls like to laugh and girls like to dance But most of all girls like guys that wear pants So let's get some shoes that don't look like your feet Grow a beard, get a perm and strut in the street If you do this, you will not longer be a dud Underneath that nerd I know that there is a stud Loosen up and try to go out and have some fun So you're not a creepy guy at a table for one - Hey, Porky, sorry we're late.
- Or maybe just keep doing what you're doing.
Old people are the worst.
All they do is sit around, watch TV, and eat gross food.
Are you eating porridge? It's easier on my soft teeth.
Poor Granny.
She needs some excitement in her life.
Come on, Daffy.
Ugh! Fine.
[Groans.]
My hip.
[Gunshots.]
[Siren.]
[Laughter.]
You see, your conscious mind Is fixated on the red dot.
Now, let's see what's going on in zour unconscious mind.
You're getting very sleepy.
When I snap my fingers, You're gonna be all hypnotized.
This will never work.
[Snaps.]
[Snoring.]
I want you to imagine yourself at home.
You're in your happy place.
Tell me about your childhood.
[Laughing.]
[Laughter.]
Alan.
Yes? Sylvester.
Yes? Supper.
[Both.]
Supper! [Gasps.]
Ha ha ha! Mother! Mother! Mother! Hmm? It's OK, baby, you figured it out.
It's not the red dot that you want, it's your mama.
I haven't seen her since she retired to Florida.
Well, you need to go see her, honey.
How am I gonna get there? Child, I'm not a witch for nothing.
Florida, Florida, Florida.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
I have got to start asking for payment up front.
Ahh.
Sunny Florida.
Now, which one of these condos Belongs to my-- Mother? Who knew living across the street From a lonely old woman could be so much fun.
What do you think we should do with Granny today, Deep sea fishing or hot yoga? I was thinking about some old-fashion tackle football.
Ooh.
Oh, you two.
Are you ready for another day of fun? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm.
Oh, I'm afraid I have other plans.
Other plans? We're your only friends.
Oh.
Well, it's time for my nap.
Your nap? You go to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon.
Get your jockstrap, Granny, we're playing football.
Are you two trying to kill me? [Both.]
What? Listen, I'm a 90-year-old woman.
I shouldn't be in a kayak.
Well, what do you want to do? And don't say sailing.
Oh, I think I'd like to just lie on the beach somewhere.
Great! Let's do it.
Look, you two are very sweet, But you're also exhausting.
Hot yoga? Oh, Sylvester! So you do know where I live.
That's interesting, Considering you never visit me.
Oh, um, I-- Close the door.
What do you want, me to air condition all of Florida? - Sorry.
- [Doorbell rings.]
Oh, that's my Alan now.
Sylvester, what a surprise.
How long are you in town? As long as mother will have me.
Well, I wish you would have called Because I have bridge at 11:00, Water aerobics at noon, And then Estelle and I walk the mall.
Yeesh.
And I thought Tweety's voice was annoying.
Don't you see, baby, It's a textbook case of denial.
Huh? You want Sylvester to chase you.
I do? I do! Well, then what are you waiting for? Florida, Florida, Florida.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
I've done it again.
Isn't that that little yellow bird you used to chase? You still haven't caught him? He's smarter than he looks.
Maybe if you'd spent a little less time Chasing that bird, You'd have made something of yourself by now, huh? Why aren't you married? Where are my grandcats? And what's with your teeth? They're all mangled.
You don't wear the retainer, do you? Wow, listen to her go.
What I wouldn't give to be back home with Granny Chasing that red dot.
Retainer cost a pretty penny.
And all the dentist said was If he wears the retainer, he'll have perfect teeth.
And did you wear the retainer? Who needs a red dot when I've got a yellow bird? Now, if you'll excuse me, It's time for me to go home.
Oh, this is much better.
Although it feels like something's missing.
Uhh! - Oh, Sylvester.
- Granny! Tweety? Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Turns out I like spending my time with a cat and a bird.
It's better than spending it with a duck and a rabbit.
Granny's missing out.
[Ding.]
Meep Meep! [Camera shutter clicks.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Grumbling.]
[Thud.]
[Bang.]
Meep Meep! I don't think you understand.
You're my pet.
I'm supposed to give you food, not be your food.
Do you hear me? Hello? Bad snake!
We'll put 6'3".
Weight? I don't know.
It fluctuates.
Uh, 80? You're 6-foot-3.
We'll put 185.
Are you sure about this? Trust me, I'm an expert at online dating.
But what's gonna happen when I finally meet one of these women? Won't they be disappointed? Any woman that goes out with Porky Pig Is gonna be disappointed no matter what.
Which brings us to your name.
We can keep pig or Porky, but we can't keep both.
[Sighs.]
Keep Porky.
Keep Pig? You know what, let's dump them both.
Your name's Lorenzo Vilagairirosa.
There, you're done.
What about my picture? But you can hardly see me.
Precisely, Lorenzo.
The Looney Tunes Show Season 1, Episode 26- Point, Laser, Point! It's been almost an hour and no one's clicked on my profile.
I knew we shouldn't have included a picture.
What's up, doc? Daffy set me up on a dating website.
[Chomps and spits.]
Did you ever think to come to me for this kind of thing? It doesn't matter anyway.
No one's interested.
[Computer beeps.]
Uh, Porky, I think someone's interested.
- "Hello.
I like your profile.
" [Gasps.]
Wow.
"Thanks for your--" What are you doing? Don't write her back until you know what she looks like.
- [Computer beeps.]
- [All gasp.]
Granny? Granny's on a dating website? I'm on a dating website.
She must be lonely.
I'm lonely.
Yeah, but lives in a big house all by herself.
I live in a big house all by myself.
At least she has pets.
Huh, maybe I should get a pet.
What? Pets are people who have no hope Of finding another adult who will love them.
Huh.
Now that I put it that way, You should definitely get a pet.
My computer.
And Lorenzo seemed like such a nice man.
I can't just spend all my time with a cat and a bird.
- [Rash.]
- Oh! Sylvester! Stop chasing, Tweety bird.
If you need something to do, Why don't you play with one of those cat toys I bought you? [Laughs.]
Look, Sylvester, It's a mouse.
You're kidding me, right? I can see the string.
What about this one? And this is fun because? Let's see what else I have here.
A pen? Ooh, are we going to balance your checkbook? Fun.
[Gasps.]
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Where did it go? Aah! Now it's over there.
How did it get over there? [Laughing.]
[Panting.]
It's like a bird, a mouse, and a can of tuna all mixed up into a perfect red dot.
A-ha! Gotcha! You're mine, all mine.
I'm never gonna let you go.
What the? Remind me again why we're doing this? Because she's a little old lady With no one to keep her company but a cat and a bird.
So now she's gonna hang out with a duck and a rabbit? [Scoffs.]
Seems like a lateral move.
We're her neighbors.
It's the right thing to do.
Oh, hello.
[Stammers.]
All right.
Knock of the pleasantries, grandma.
We know you're lonely, so let's go do something and get it over with.
Hmm.
Spending time with a rabbit and a duck Instead of a cat and a bird.
Oh, seems like a lateral move.
Huh? Oh, I mean, I'd love some company.
I was just about to go sailing.
Sailing? You sail? [Chuckles.]
Every weekend.
Sailing.
This is gonna be fun.
[Clicks.]
Little air back here.
[Turns engine on.]
Oh, my.
Oh, little red dot.
Where are you? Hmm.
[Pills rattle.]
Ahh.
[Glass shatters.]
Hmm! Where is that red dot? Where is that yellow bird? Take that, you nasty old zombie.
[Video game noises.]
Aah! Oh, he got me.
That makes two of us.
Before you eat me, Will you grant me one last request? I suppose so.
After all, I'm an animal, not a monster.
Will you hand me that? What, this pen? Ha ha! What are you gonna do, Write out your last will and testament? [Gasps.]
Ohh! My red dot is back.
Go on, go get it.
Oh, it's over there, putty cat.
Oops, I was wrong.
It's over there.
Oh, much improved.
I don't even want it, but I gotta have it.
I don't even know what it is, But I need it.
Huh? Yoo-hoo! [Gulps.]
Mother.
[Blabbering.]
Whoa! What's wrong with me? I can't do anything but think about that red dot.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, look, a kitty.
Aah! Aah! Aah! I need help! How fortuitous.
How serendipitous.
How propitious.
Best class I ever took.
[Horns honking.]
Great day in the morning.
I'm gonna be sick and I'm not even on the boat yet.
We're here.
Let's start sailing.
Where's the ocean? Yard sailing.
We should have just let Porky go out with her.
[Buzzer.]
Ahem.
Ahem.
You Sylvester? Ok, right this way, baby.
Uh, good luck, You know, with whatever you're going through.
Hey, Pinky, can I get you something? It's Saturday night and I've got a full place But you're ruining the vibe with your lonely face Seating alone in a booth built for six Doing sudoku won't get you chicks You're not the most hopeless case in the world You just have to chance your approach to the girls They do not care about dungeons and dragons Creepy They don't to hear about these tales you know They don't care about how many comic books you own If you tell them you will not get them on the phone So no more spending Friday nights at home Eat ice cream all alone Sitting in your easy chair Beating yourself at Solitaire I don't care what's on TV Come hit the town with me It will be the mom to meet a girl that's not your mom You are not allowed to call action figures friends Get some exercise, pull-ups and deep knee bends Go to parties and show us just how good you look Do not stay at home reading Harry Potter books Groove with me Girls like to laugh and girls like to dance But most of all girls like guys that wear pants So let's get some shoes that don't look like your feet Grow a beard, get a perm and strut in the street If you do this, you will not longer be a dud Underneath that nerd I know that there is a stud Loosen up and try to go out and have some fun So you're not a creepy guy at a table for one - Hey, Porky, sorry we're late.
- Or maybe just keep doing what you're doing.
Old people are the worst.
All they do is sit around, watch TV, and eat gross food.
Are you eating porridge? It's easier on my soft teeth.
Poor Granny.
She needs some excitement in her life.
Come on, Daffy.
Ugh! Fine.
[Groans.]
My hip.
[Gunshots.]
[Siren.]
[Laughter.]
You see, your conscious mind Is fixated on the red dot.
Now, let's see what's going on in zour unconscious mind.
You're getting very sleepy.
When I snap my fingers, You're gonna be all hypnotized.
This will never work.
[Snaps.]
[Snoring.]
I want you to imagine yourself at home.
You're in your happy place.
Tell me about your childhood.
[Laughing.]
[Laughter.]
Alan.
Yes? Sylvester.
Yes? Supper.
[Both.]
Supper! [Gasps.]
Ha ha ha! Mother! Mother! Mother! Hmm? It's OK, baby, you figured it out.
It's not the red dot that you want, it's your mama.
I haven't seen her since she retired to Florida.
Well, you need to go see her, honey.
How am I gonna get there? Child, I'm not a witch for nothing.
Florida, Florida, Florida.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
I have got to start asking for payment up front.
Ahh.
Sunny Florida.
Now, which one of these condos Belongs to my-- Mother? Who knew living across the street From a lonely old woman could be so much fun.
What do you think we should do with Granny today, Deep sea fishing or hot yoga? I was thinking about some old-fashion tackle football.
Ooh.
Oh, you two.
Are you ready for another day of fun? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm.
Oh, I'm afraid I have other plans.
Other plans? We're your only friends.
Oh.
Well, it's time for my nap.
Your nap? You go to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon.
Get your jockstrap, Granny, we're playing football.
Are you two trying to kill me? [Both.]
What? Listen, I'm a 90-year-old woman.
I shouldn't be in a kayak.
Well, what do you want to do? And don't say sailing.
Oh, I think I'd like to just lie on the beach somewhere.
Great! Let's do it.
Look, you two are very sweet, But you're also exhausting.
Hot yoga? Oh, Sylvester! So you do know where I live.
That's interesting, Considering you never visit me.
Oh, um, I-- Close the door.
What do you want, me to air condition all of Florida? - Sorry.
- [Doorbell rings.]
Oh, that's my Alan now.
Sylvester, what a surprise.
How long are you in town? As long as mother will have me.
Well, I wish you would have called Because I have bridge at 11:00, Water aerobics at noon, And then Estelle and I walk the mall.
Yeesh.
And I thought Tweety's voice was annoying.
Don't you see, baby, It's a textbook case of denial.
Huh? You want Sylvester to chase you.
I do? I do! Well, then what are you waiting for? Florida, Florida, Florida.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
I've done it again.
Isn't that that little yellow bird you used to chase? You still haven't caught him? He's smarter than he looks.
Maybe if you'd spent a little less time Chasing that bird, You'd have made something of yourself by now, huh? Why aren't you married? Where are my grandcats? And what's with your teeth? They're all mangled.
You don't wear the retainer, do you? Wow, listen to her go.
What I wouldn't give to be back home with Granny Chasing that red dot.
Retainer cost a pretty penny.
And all the dentist said was If he wears the retainer, he'll have perfect teeth.
And did you wear the retainer? Who needs a red dot when I've got a yellow bird? Now, if you'll excuse me, It's time for me to go home.
Oh, this is much better.
Although it feels like something's missing.
Uhh! - Oh, Sylvester.
- Granny! Tweety? Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Turns out I like spending my time with a cat and a bird.
It's better than spending it with a duck and a rabbit.
Granny's missing out.
[Ding.]
Meep Meep! [Camera shutter clicks.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Grumbling.]
[Thud.]
[Bang.]
Meep Meep! I don't think you understand.
You're my pet.
I'm supposed to give you food, not be your food.
Do you hear me? Hello? Bad snake!