8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e27 Episode Script

1
Yeah, you take care of yourself.
And call me.
Call me. I love you.
Hey, babe. You'll never guess.
Carter Tibbits picked me
to write his biography.
Me, instead of all
those NASCAR writers.
I know.
What's the matter,
honey? You OK?
I'm fine.
I'm fine. Just go write.
No, no. You're You're
more important than my career.
Maggie called. You know Ted?
Do I know Ted?
Mr. Perfect, everyone's
favorite. The rich,
good son-in-law.
Let's hoist Ted up
on our shoulders
and elect him to Congress.
Is he sick?
No. He left my sister.
- Ha! I mean, oh, no.
- Paul!
I think this is awful.
To find out that
Ted's not such a great
guy on the same day
I begin my new book.
- It's just
- I swear to God, Paul.
You know, you need
some alone time. I understand.
- Bridget, will you get that?
- No.
I'm harnessing my
energy into attracting
Donny Doyle into
my love force field.
So, I'll get the door.
Oh, hello, Donny.
I have to be very
careful with this.
Bridget, upstairs.
Hello, sir. They delivered some
of your mail to my folks' house.
Oh, thank you.
"Occupant. Current
Resident. Occupant."
Get up there.
Yep, this is ours.
Thank you, Donny.
You're welcome, sir.
Uh, Donny, when you're home
from the Naval Academy,
do you actually have
to wear your uniform?
No, sir.
I mean, I saw you
mowing the lawn in it.
- Did Bridget?
- Goodbye, Donny.
Ow!
Is that all you got?
Ow!
- Is that all you got?
- OK, now you try it.
- Hi, Kyle.
- Hey, Kerry.
- Yeah! I did it!
- Yep, you did. See ya, Rory.
Ow!
Girls, have you
seen your mother?
She went out.
Hmm. Kyle's been here.
Poor, poor Kyle.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- When will she be back?
Please! Hanging
out with Rory to make
a lame attempt to
hook back up with me?
High school boys.
I'm over it. I'm only
into guys with
consistent facial hair.
- Girls
- You are so conceited.
I'm not conceited.
I am sorry that he
worships the
ground that I walk on.
How do you know
what Kyle's thinking?
He so wants to
get back together.
- Hi.
- Oh.
- Did you start writing yet?
- No.
I had the perfect sentence
and I lost it.
It was as if I had my hands
on the Holy Grail
and then got drunk
and set it down at a party.
I'm sorry I distracted you. You
know, talking about my sister.
No. Well, yeah.
A little. You know, I got to
thinking about Ted and Maggie.
- Yeah, my poor sister.
- Yeah, I know.
So I gave her a phone call
and told her how sorry I was.
That is so sweet of you.
And then I invited her
to come stay with us.
- Are you insane?
- What?!
She is so depressing
to be around.
Well
Even when we
were little, she'd get
pouty because
boys would pick me
to play with on sports teams.
Oh, yeah. That's
right, you were the hot
one and she was the
weepy, moody one.
Where have we seen that?
Oh, my God, is that her?
No, it's not her.
Cate, now try to calm down.
Oh, hi, Donny.
I am so going to
have my own kingdom.
- Sir, Mrs. Hennessy.
- Yes, Donny?
I'm here to ask permission
to take Bridget out.
Well, gosh, you
know, I've never run
into a young man
so polite and gallant.
- But, no. Go home.
- Paul.
Well, it's just that we don't
allow Bridget to date older guys.
And Donny, we hardly know you.
I'm just your average
college boy, with
an appointment to
the Naval Academy
carrying a 4.0 in engineering
who wants to serve his country.
Well, Donny, I can't think of a
single reason not
to say yes to you.
I can't think of a
single reason not
to vote for you.
But, the answer's no.
But I don't drink,
don't do drugs.
No.
- I'm not much of a party guy.
- Still no.
I'm treasurer of
a group dedicated
to celibacy before marriage.
Come in.
You have no idea
what it's like to have
such a moody,
condescending sister.
Hello. I share a room
with Wednesday Addams.
- Is the hugger here yet?
- All right. That's enough, kids.
Your aunt has been
through a really rough time.
So when she's here, I expect us
to be upbeat and supportive.
Paul, just paint something on the
door. Maybe she'll pass on by.
Upbeat and supportive. Got it.
- Maggie!
- Hello, Paul.
- Kids.
- Hi, Aunt Maggie.
Bridget, you're beautiful.
Rory, stop growing.
- Maggie.
- Cate!
My life is over.
Oh, now, now, now, honey.
I'm here for you.
We're gonna get
through this together.
We are not.
I'll never be happy again.
Is that Aunt Maggie?
It is! It is Aunt Maggie!
What'd you bring me, what'd you
bring me, what'd you bring me?
- A cautionary tale.
- I love your cautionary tales.
- Maybe I should
- Paul.
Keep standing here.
- Mags
- Girls, don't ever get married.
Maggie, I know
you've been through
a rough time, but
as long as your
I didn't say anything
out of line, did I?
Why do you always treat
me like a kid? We'll talk later.
- We'll talk later.
- Yeah, right, Cate!
You've said that to me
ever since I was six years old.
Well, Maggie's all settled
in Rory's room.
Rory's? That's the most
uncomfortable bed.
Yeah.
Huh.
Oh, it's Donny Doyle.
He's under Bridget's window,
serenading her.
- I'm on it.
- Paul!
Cate, he's conning
us. Those serenading
midshipmen
virgins are all alike.
Maybe we should let them go out.
Cate, we have a firm and
arbitrary policy
about older guys.
I'd hate for one of the girls to
end up like Maggie.
Alone. Bitter.
Hello, Paul. Hello,
Cate. Just a second.
Knock it off, sailor boy!
We get it, you're in love!
- Hey, Poppa H.
- Hey, Kyle.
Now, don't take
this the wrong way.
I appreciate you teaching Rory
the art of hand-slap fighting,
heretofore the exclusive province
of a father but,
let me ask you, what the hell
are you always doing over here?
- I could ask you the same thing.
- No. No, actually you couldn't.
I think you have
ulterior motives.
Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.
You don't know what
"ulterior motive" means, do you?
Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.
Bridget's out with Donny Doyle
tonight. She, like, loves him.
Yeah. She, like, loves him.
Dad. Private convo.
Maybe I just like hanging out
here more than my own house, OK?
That bath felt great.
Oh, yeah, a good soak always
makes me feel like a new woman.
Ted found a new woman.
Oh, what I meant
was, that when I
take a bath I'm
always a nude woman.
I found Ted with a nude woman.
Honey, stop dwelling on Ted.
He's not dwelling on you.
I found Ted with a
nude woman in a dwelling.
OK, now it's getting silly.
Maggie, you're here
to enjoy yourself.
So what would you like to do?
What would make you happy?
I was thinking about
taking Ted, and
you know that vice
in his workshop?
Now, Mags,
could you kind of
not talk that way
about men in front
of Bridget and Kerry?
- Where is Bridget?
- She's out with Donny Doyle.
The idiot with the guitar? Hmm.
Hmm? What do you mean by "hmm?"
He's a very nice young man.
Now. Until he gets
what he wants and dumps her.
Look, I asked you
nicely, Maggie
Oh, Cate.
Bridget is not like you.
Her experience with guys has
not left her cynical and bitter.
What?
You see, this is what I meant by
"Oh, Cate."
Oh, I'm sorry. Look, I'm sorry.
From now on, it'll just be
cheerful and upbeat.
Hello? Yes, this is the
Hennessy residence, why?
Oh. Well, thank you.
Somebody found Bridget's purse.
Where can we pick it up?
The Renaissance hotel?
That young boy, Donny Doyle,
took our daughter to a hotel.
What?!
Hmm.
Oh, shut up.
No Doyle is registered there?
Donny and Mrs?
Ask them if they've
seen a naval officer
looking to have fun
with a hot blonde.
Maggie.
Do you want to find them or not?
I love you, Aunt Maggie.
- That's them.
- OK.
Would you please
take Kerry upstairs?
Come on, I'll read to you
like when you were a little girl.
So The Bell Jar
or On Death and Dying?
Surprise me.
- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Where have you two been?
- A hotel.
- Right to my face.
Donny took me to dinner and
a show at the Renaissance.
The Palm Court. I wanted Bridget
to see my favorite jazz trio.
May I use your phone? My folks
like me to check
in when I'm home.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Just because a
sailor takes me to a
hotel, you guys jump
to the worst thing.
So you've just been
listening to music?
It's not just music,
Dad. It's jazz.
Donny's favorite
is Ella Fitzgerald.
I'm totally going to surprise him
and get tickets to see her.
If you get those
tickets, I think that
everyone will be
totally surprised.
- Honey, Ella Fitzgerald is dead.
- Oh, don't tell Donny.
I'd better go. I have to
get up early for church.
Church?
Can I go with Donny
to church tomorrow?
Absolutely not.
Two dates in a row?
I'm sorry, knee jerk reaction
there. Sure, you
can go to church.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Mrs. Hennessy.
- OK.
Goodnight, Bridget.
Isn't he awesome?
Donny invited me to
a formal with gowns
and gloves and punch
like in the movies.
Oh Good night. I don't want to
be too tired for church tomorrow.
Quick observation. The one
bookstore is going
out of business,
yet all five cheese
stores have lines.
It sure makes you miss Manhattan.
Really? Do you?
There's Heather and Danielle.
I don't want to deal with them.
Don't see me, don't see me.
Hey, Bridget.
Heather, Danielle, hi.
What's going on? We've been
trying to call
you, like, forever.
I almost took you off speed dial.
I'm sorry, I've been busy
with my new boyfriend.
- He's older.
- Score.
Total. He even
invited me to a formal.
A formal? Whoa.
That's like prom times two.
Wait. Saturday?
What about Sarah's party?
You said you'd flirt with Brandon
so Ashley'll break up with him
and then Brandon
will hook Heather
up with Dillon and
we can double.
Yeah. This is like
our lives at stake here.
Oh, you guys, I'm sorry,
I can't miss this formal.
Besides, Donny's made me
rethink all this scheming we do.
His school has this honor code,
they can't copy
off their neighbor.
I guess he'd say just be honest.
Who are you?
Yeah. You've, like changed.
Thong, thong, thong, thong, damn!
I wore my only real pair
of underwear to church.
You're so going to heaven.
You know, I've never seen you
this serious about a guy before.
You're so lucky you've found
someone you like so much.
Don't worry, Kerry,
it'll happen for you too.
It's all in the mind. I'm
serious. Someday I'll teach you.
Well, there is a guy
that I'm thinking about.
You know, at school.
High school. I'm so over it,
now that I have Donald.
- Oh, so it's "Donald" now?
- That's my little nickname.
You see, that's actually the
opposite of a nick Never mind.
So you're absolutely through with
high school boys? Say, even Kyle?
Kyle? Please. I hereby
give Kyle away to the universe.
Fly, fly away Kyle, be free.
Don't do that with your fingers.
- Mr. Hennessy.
- Wow, Donny, come on in.
- Thanks.
- Bridget will be right down.
Drop and give me twenty.
No, no, no. I'm
kidding. I'm kidding.
All right, ten.
No, no, come on. Get up.
OK. Here we are.
Who is this angel?
You look so so grown up.
You promised no
embarrassing moments.
Yeah, I know. I lied. Smile.
OK, Mom.
Go ahead, Kerry.
Say something sarcastic.
Believe me, I want to, but
I can't. You look beautiful.
I can. You look
beautiful. I suck.
- Miss Hennessy?
- Midshipman Doyle.
Just turn around.
Oh, look, Paul.
Like out of a storybook.
And they lived
happily ever after,
until the accusations
started flying like coffee cups.
Thanks for ruining
a wonderful moment.
What? I'm just being honest.
Life is a series of
disappointments
broken up by periods
of dark depression.
- Wow.
- So where do you hide the wine?
- I'm I'm leaving.
- What? Oh, come on, Cate!
No, no, no. I'm just gonna
go take a drive somewhere.
Is Cate angry at me?
I'm not insinuating that
she actually hid the wine.
No, no, it's just,
you know, Maggie,
every so often
you can be a little,
- well negative.
- Negative?
Just a little! Just a little!
Right, Kerry?
You called Aunt
Maggie "negative"?
You know, maybe
if you could just,
you know, loosen up a little.
Like, I don't know,
what do you like to do for fun?
Lately, I've been
using Ted's personal
information to
destroy his credit.
Well, that's one way to go.
Or you could, maybe,
go out and have some fun.
Like look up some old friends. Or
go to a spa. Or that new casino.
I don't like to
gamble. I'm unlucky.
You've got Ted's credit cards.
And I'm unlucky.
You know what this means now?
That we took a time machine
back to the 1950's?
I know it's a corny tradition,
but I like it.
Me, too.
And now that you're pinned,
I'm your guy and you're my girl.
Uh-huh.
Well, see ya at Christmas.
Carter, I've got the title.
You ready? Strap yourself in.
Carz!
Really? Not even with a "Z"?
Yeah, I'll work on it.
Hey, Beach, you're home so early.
It's only 2100 hours 30.
Donny had to get back early.
But, Dad, it was so amazing.
They announced our entrance
like royalty.
And this big band played
and I ate scallops.
Oh, I remember my first scallop.
I'm so happy you
had a good time, Bridge.
And then the coolest thing.
This fancy band was playing
all this waltzy stuff
and Donny twirled
me onto the lanai,
which looks a lot
like a regular patio,
and then he said
he wanted to pin me.
I'll kill him!
He wanted to give me his
midshipman class pin.
Oh! Oh I thought
he meant something else.
Thank you, so did I.
He said, "It's a
Doyle tradition." I
said, "Thanks for
the pin. Is it gold?"
And he's all, "Well,
this means we're going steady."
- And you're all?
- I'm all, "What's going steady?"
He's all, "It means I won't
go out with other girls."
I'm all, "Sweet,
I like this deal."
Then he's, "This means you
won't go out with other guys,"
and I'm all,
"Well, I guess that's fair."
You don't sound exactly thrilled.
No, I am. Kinda.
I don't know what
to do, Dad. Help me.
Well, help you? Wow. Um
Maybe Maybe getting pinned
right now isn't
such a great idea.
Why?
Well, it's a big step. You're
committing yourself
to one fella
who's never going
to be around, who's
saving himself for
marriage. And
Let me start again. Why?
Why?
Let's see
Why? Uh
Oh, I know why.
You know, I love that
you're experiencing new things.
Like waltzes, and
lanais, and scallops.
But, and God help me, lately
I kinda miss the old Beach.
Me, too. I love her.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Sure.
And, besides,
we both know you're too young.
What?
Too young? Too young?
You think I'm too young?
What I meant
was No, forget it.
I feel like the guy
in the movies who's
used his bullets so
he throws his gun.
I am not too young.
I'm going to prove that
I can have a long distance,
monogamous relationship with my
virgin boyfriend
just to spite you!
Alrighty then.
Where's Maggie?
I convinced her to call some
of her old high school friends.
She's spending a
few days with them.
She seemed upbeat
for the first time.
- Oh, you cheered her up?
- Yeah.
Been trying to
cheer her up my whole life.
Sometimes it's a matter
of finding the right words.
That is my trade.
I am a wordsmith.
How's Carz with a "Z" coming?
- I gotta go. 'Night everybody.
- 'Night, Kyle.
What have you guys been up to?
Getting my butt
kicked in air hockey.
I wish Kyle would find
someone his own age to play with.
Don't you think this
is a little dangerous?
Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.