My Three Sons (1960) s01e28 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
Do you have to do that?
Do I have to do what?
Follow me.
Well, what do you want me to do, jump over you?
Stop it now, fellas?
Why do you two have to argue all the time?
You through with the paper, Dad?
Dad, can I have the paper when you're?
There you go again. What did I do now?
You do everything I do.
That's what you do now.
Hey, will you cut it out?
I'm still working on the sports section.
You can have that part of it.
I just want the classified.
What can I read?
The funnies.
I already read 'em.
I thought I heard Robin Hood's band of merry men.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
How about ha, ha, haing yourself to the galley
and doing some of your chores?
Some fresh coffee, Steve?
STEVE: Hmm? Oh, yeah, Bub.
Maybe a half a cup.
All right.
Classified?
What are you looking for in the classified section, Mike?
I'm looking for a way to earn a little spending money.
What'd you do with the spending
money I gave you last night?
I spent it.
Are we gonna get some extra spending money?
I'm gonna get me a rubber mouse.
(sighs) Some yellow yarn.
What are you gonna do with the yellow yarn, Chip?
For the kitten. What kitten?
The kitten I'm gonna get
with the extra spending money.
What extra spending money?
The extra spending money you said
you were gonna give us this morning.
Oh, no, no, no, you misunderstood, Chip.
You got your allowance the same
as Rob and Mike did last night.
Oh. Yeah.
You wouldn't know an odd job
if it was staring you in the face.
Oh, yeah? I could get a job just as easy as you.
Why are we all so cheerful this morning?
Oh, just because I'm looking for an odd job,
lamebrain here thinks he wants to, too.
You mean work?
Sure. Yeah.
You guys must be sick or something.
Nothing wrong with me that a little money wouldn't cure.
Money, money, money, money, money, money.
Is that all you fellas ever think of?
You got to have money to do things.
Did you ever think of doing something
for somebody some time just to
well, to be doing something for somebody some time?
What do you mean?
We do lots of things. Sure we do.
Like what?
Well, uh uh
Well, helping's all right during the week,
but this is Saturday, and I need money.
ROBBIE: Yeah, this is Saturday, and tonight,
we need money.
(singsongy): Da, da-da, da, da-da, da, da.
Why don't you butt out, Little Sir Echo?
Oh, boy, one of these days.
Just-Just one of these days.
Take it easy. Just one!
That darn Mike! Man!
You can get yourself a clean towel
and start on these.
Boy, I'd like to show that Mike just one time.
Morning, Bub.
Hi, Harry. Hi, Rob.
Harry.
What's new?
Oh, nothing much.
The same old grind.
Hey, Harry? Mm-hmm.
Um, do you know where I can
get some little job of some kind?
You've got some little job of some kind right here.
Now wipe those dishes.
I mean to make some money.
Money, money, money.
Hey, uh, let me see.
Jensen's fence needs painting.
Jensen's?
Oh, you said it.
Shame to let a place run down like that.
Although I guess it isn't easy
when you're living on a pension.
Douglas, eh?
Steven Douglas' boy?
Yes, sir, and you know I'll do a good job
because I need the money bad.
That's fine now.
Oh, Sarah?
We're going to be late.
You'll find the paint back there in the garage
with the brushes and the rags, too.
Oh, Sarah!
Coming! Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Jensen.
By the time you come back tonight,
you won't even recognize the place.
Good boy.
Why, hello there, Robbie.
Hi, Mrs. Jensen.
I'm gonna paint your fence.
Oh, that's nice.
He's a real go-getter, that boy.
Just like his pa.
(clears throat)
Thank you, Mr. Jensen.
You know, you never looked prettier.
Oh.
(laughs)
Oh, dear.
What's the matter?
I was just talking to Robbie's brother on the phone.
Well?
I told him he could paint the fence.
Well, that-that's nothing to worry about.
Well, won't it cost twice as much?
No. We're paying them by the hour.
They ought to finish in half the time.
Might even cost us less
with the two boys working together.
Well, that's real nice!
(engine starting)
My, Steve Douglas is a lucky man
to have two boys working together side by side.
Yup.
Hand in hand.
Brotherly love. Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, you're not!
Oh, yes, I am!
Oh, no, you're not. That's my job!
Yeah? Who said so?
Mrs. Jensen said so. That's who said so.
Oh, yeah? Well, Mr. Jensen said so to me!
Come on, Huey. I shot you five times already.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You're supposed to be dead. Yeah?
Yeah. You missed me.
Yeah? Yeah.
Got you that time. Yeah?
Yeah. That doesn't count.
Who says? I says.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah!
Yeah? Yeah!
You're not gonna paint this fence.
Yeah? You want to make a bet on that?
Mrs. Jensen gave me the job.
I don't care what Mrs. Jensen said.
Yeah? Yeah!
Mrs. Jensen while you go talk to Mr. Jen
Hey, hey!
You squirts quit arguing.
We're playing.
Yeah, well, we're working.
Yeah, so go play somewhere else.
Mrs. Foster said stay close by
so she could keep an eye on us.
CHIP: And I'm spending the day at Huey's.
And my mom had to go to a ladies' club.
Okay, okay, then go play at Mrs. Foster's
so she can watch ya.
She says we're too noisy.
Well, she's right.
"Only she's getti" paid to listen to ya and we're not.
So go play someplace else. We're painting.
Can we help?
BOTH: No!
We've got as much right here as you.
Yeah, it's a public street.
Out, out!
Public bush!
Yeah, public tree.
Public car, public street!
ROBBIE: Boy, what a bunch of babies.
Well, uh, that's the nice thing about growing up.
You can settle your problems without fighting,
the way we have.
Right. Those two kids are always arguing about something.
Well, uh, you want to take the front or the back?
Of course, if you take the front,
you have to be careful
because that's the side that everybody
sees. MRS. FOSTER: Huey! Chip!
Boy, I never acted like those two, did I, when I was a kid?
MRS. FOSTER: Huey! Chip!
We'll split 50-50, and you can have the back.
Here, shake on it.
Shake on what?
Well, let's get started.
Get started on what, Mike?
Now listen, Mike, this is my job.
A deal's a deal.
Deal? What deal? Huey!
You're asking for it, Mike.
I'm gonna knock your head clean off.
You painting the Jensen's fence, Mike?
Oh, yes, I am, Mrs. Foster.
My brother is helping me.
Helping you?!
That's real nice.
The whole place needs sprucing up.
Poor old Mr. Jensen. CHIP: Come on, let's go.
Oh, boy, paint!
Hey! Hey come on, you guys, I told you we're working!
Now butt out! Mm, that's good.
Huey, will you get out?
Hey, come on. Butt out of here, will ya?!
Huey, come on, get out of here!
Chip, will ya get out?! Chip! Huey. Chip.
Boys, they're painting Jensen's fence.
Yeah! I mean, I'm painting it.
Hey, darn it, Mike, that's my paint!
No, that's your paint.
What are you talking about?
We weren't hurting anything. Besides, we got
(all talking at once)
Your mama left some sandwiches
and a big pitcher of lemonade
in the refrigerator,
whenever you and Chip get hungry.
Okay. Look, this is my job. I found it first.
You found it first? What do you mean?
I talked to Mrs. Jensen on the phone and
What matter is that? I mean
You're gonna sand before you paint, aren't ya?
Sand? Sand?
Hal, you know, my husband,
he says you always have to sand before you paint.
Oh, um
Well, Mr. Jensen didn't mention anything about sanding.
Besides, we don't have any sandpaper.
Yeah.
Oh, we have some I can let you have.
Huey!
HUEY: Yeah? Huey, go look in the garage
and bring that package of sandpaper, will ya?
Okay.
Well, uh, this, this fence is no worse than our garage,
and we painted that without sanding.
Well, I don't know.
Hal always says, "What's worth doing is worth doing right."
How are you guys doing? Yeah, but
Or I should say, "Who are you guys doing?"
Hi, Bub.
Hi, Mr. O'Casey.
Hi, Mrs. Foster.
Been to the store?
This is the second trip today.
The way these guys eat, we might just as well
set up housekeeping down there in the parking lot.
We couldn't find the sandpaper.
Great. Oh, well, let's go.
Hey, you guys, where'd you get this paint?
Hey, wait a minute.
Now listen, Mike, you
Where'd you get this paint?
Well, Mr. Jensen had it in his garage.
But Mike's been trying to muscle in. Muscle in?
Did you strain it?
HUEY: Found these paper cups.
Can we have 'em?
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
I'm sure we have some sandpaper somewhere.
Let's go get some more stuff.
Did you look in the Hi, Mr. Kincaid.
What's the trouble?
No trouble. Jensens are getting their fence painted.
About time, I'd say.
Don't start painting yet, boys.
I'm going home to see if I can find
that sandpaper for you.
What kind of sandpaper?
This is brand-new paint, Bub. Yeah.
Why should it need to be strained?
Cheesecloth can be used for something like this
or a piece of window screen.
Clean screen, of course.
Or even an old lady's stocking.
(chuckles) I mean, I mean, a lady's old stocking.
What are you using for thinner?
Fine, medium or rough?
Gee, medium, I guess.
The kind Hal always uses, you know.
No good. Not for this kind of work.
Hal uses it for everything.
Well, what they need is a good rough sandpaper
for that old fence.
Well, just look at it, Bub.
It doesn't need thinning. Yeah.
Well, sure, it looks all right now,
but how about later?
What do you think, O'Casey?
Oh, hello, Kincaid.
Howdy. Now go on, tell Mrs. Foster
you can't use a medium sandpaper on a fence like this.
You listening, Mrs. Foster?
Well, if we were in the navy,
I'd have 'em scraping it.
BOTH: Scraping it?
Yes, sir, even if you are my grandsons,
the navy comes first.
We'd better get to painting.
(hushed): We? This is my job, Mike.
All right, all right.
If we're not adult enough to work out our own solution,
then let's leave the decision up to the grown-ups.
All right.
I'm sorry, Mr. Kincaid.
I don't see how you can find fault with my sandpaper
when you haven't even seen it.
It isn't fair.
Now look, if you're gonna do a job right,
what's the sense in not using
the best material you can get?
Our sandpaper is far from cheap.
Mr. O'Casey, you've known Hal for years.
Why, he's not cheap in any way.
Why, he'd give you the shirt off his back, wouldn't he?
Why, sure. I was just telling Hal the other day,
when I call for a clean sweep down, fore and aft,
they did it.
There, now that Now hold on, hold on!
You're all mixed up.
I'm talking about sandpaper, not people.
Boy, oh, boy.
Well?
KINCAID: The fellow over there on H Street
has an electric sander. You know, he uses a disk.
But he doesn't use a fine sandpaper.
Okay, it's a deal. KINCAID: Now listen here,
a whatnot shelf is not a picket fence, is it, O'Casey?
BUB: That's right. Nowadays, the navy
(talking continues indistinctly)
Hey, you should be drinking milk!
BUB: Sure, they do.
When I was in the navy,
we had beans for breakfast every morning.
Hey, I see the boys got the job.
Hi, Harry. Hi, Harry.
Morning, Mrs. Foster. Hi, Mr. Kincaid.
Harry, what do you think about sandpaper?
Go on. Now tell Mrs. Foster.
Yeah, beans, navy beans.
Well, now, you see, that all
depends on whether you're using
and electric sander or not.
And chipped beef on a shingle, if you were lucky.
Now, there's this fellow over on, over on H Street.
I forget his name. Well, anyway,
he's got this electric sander.
You see, it all depends
Hey, watch it, will ya?!
Keep your hand off my side of the fence.
You're ruining my paint job.
Lemonade! Lemonade!
Five cents a glass. Five cents a glass.
Stirred in the shade with a spade.
Get your sandwiches. Ten cents. Sandwiches ten cents.
Only seven cents.
(overlapping chatter)
Look, Mike, it wasn't your job in the first place
and I get stuck painting all the braces and supports
and you get the better brush
and you only have to paint about as half as much
You know, if you paint as well as you gripe,
you might do a pretty good job. PETE: Susie.
Susie, come back here with that rake, will you?
(overlapping chatter) Come on, Susie,
give Daddy the rake.
Ice cold lemonade!
Iced lemonade.
Only seven cents.
Get your lemonade here.
Every healthy, wholesome glass
is just chock-full of crispy, crunchy,
sparkling vitamins "B."
(overlapping chatter)
KINCAID: Now, hold on.
Hold on!
Will you listen to me?
Stop it! Now, listen.
I want now, listen.
Mr. Kincaid, here When I was in the navy,
you lived out of your sea bag and that was it.
What?
Mr. Kincaid
Hey, boy, where's that lemonade?
Here. Huh?
Oh, thank you.
That's seven cents, Mister
MRS. FOSTER: Well, I was just saying
Regulation gear only, everything squared away.
Dress blues and undress blues
and whites rolled and secured with clothes stops
No Irish pennants. What?
Of course you could always use paint remover.
Too expensive.
Blowtorch would be the best thing.
Have to be careful, though,
might burn the whole fence down.
Well, that just doesn't seem possible.
Certainly it's possible.
Just like setting a match to it.
Now, of course, I'm not saying you don't have
to be careful with paint remover, too.
Why you know, one spark and kafoom!
Seven cents, Mister BUB: Just like oil.
Now, when I was stationed
on a tanker Why, Rose Ann Jones,
it just doesn't seem possible!
Why, Verda Foster!
How in the world are you?
MRS. FOSTER: I haven't seen you in a month of Sundays!
MRS. JONES: Well, I think about you all the time.
Hal and I were talking about you just the other night.
Oh?
Well, now, that's real sweet of you.
Yes, and I saw Della Buchanan
at the post office the other day.
Oh? How is Della?
Well, she was asking how in the world you were,
and I was so ashamed 'cause I just didn't know.
Well, well,
I think it's a shame we never see each other,
living on the same block and all.
I was saying exactly the same thing
to Wilma Ramsey. Oh, how is Wilma?
She has a new dining room set.
MRS. JONES: No, I mean her hay fever.
Seven cents, please.
Yeah, can I have another one of those sandwiches?
I got one for 15 cents.
15 cents?
The last one only cost me a dime.
Seven cents, please.
Seven cents.
If you think duty on a tanker
is a snap, you got another think coming, mate.
Why, heck yes, and it wouldn't be the first town
that burnt to the ground that way, either.
When I said the smoking lamp was out, it was out.
Why, one more spark and
Seven cents, Mister That's right.
Look at the Chicago fire.
Nothing left but a bunch of brick chimneys
and foundations.
Of course it's okay now.
Well, I see the Jensens
are finally getting their fence painted, huh?
Darn it.
Hey, boy.
Here.
Well, thanks, Mr. Kincaid.
And keep the change, keep the change.
Gee, thanks!
Yeah, old Mr. Jensen has been telling me
he wanted to fix the place up himself,
but his arthritis just won't let him.
Well, I've been trying to get over
and help the Jensens, but I just don't have the time. Mm.
You can't smoke cigarettes on a U.S. navy tanker
loaded with 100,000 gallons of gasoline.
Right.
How about that fire up at Cedar Grove last year?
One careless smoker,
and a thousand acres of timber up in flames.
Well, the way the population is growing,
there soon won't be any timber left.
There's more people than trees now.
You can have this one for half price
if you let Huey and me use some of your milk boxes.
Talk about things disappearing
Sounds like a pretty good deal, Chip.
If you want to worry about something giving out,
how about coal or oil? Oh, boy, come on
Be sure you put them back now.
You can replant timber,
but it takes millions of years to make coal.
Sure.
Now I'm not trying to tell you
that I had a girl in every port,
but I remember one time in the Brooklyn navy yard
Oh, were you in the navy?
Well, of course Fern's tied down.
What does she expect?
You can't have three babies in four years
and not be tied down.
I feel sorry for Fern,
but I got my own worries.
Want some chairs?
Well, thank you.
Ten cents, please.
Isn't that cute?
My treat.
Oh, that's awfully nice of you, Verda. Thank you.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, my. (Sighs)
I haven't sat down all day.
And I shouldn't be doing it now.
Hal wants an early dinner,
and I haven't even thought about it. You?
I haven't even made my bed.
And if I don't get those curtains back on the window,
Hal's going to have a fit.
Oh, I know.
If I could just sit down and relax for five minutes.
PETE: Well, that's just my point.
See, coal and oil are not growing things.
It takes millions of centuries
for those giant ferns
and prehistoric animals and stuff to rot down
into a bunch of carbon and, uh, and, uh,
decompose into coal,
and, uh, and we're using it up overnight.
I know.
You don't just take your pick and shovel
down to Okefenokee swamp
and stand there and wait for it to turn to coal.
It takes time to decompose.
That's right, and everybody knows about it, too.
But why don't they do something
about it instead of just talk.
Talk, talk, talk, that's all anybody ever does
Talk, talk, talk, talk.
(all talking at once)
Hey, Chip, we're out of lemons.
(excited chattering)
(excited chattering)
Got any lemons?
Lemons? No.
Jeepers, mister, if you're all out of lemons,
what do you have?
Well, sure I have a new washing machine.
But you've got your mother.
Mother? Why, Verda, that just isn't fair.
You know my mother never lifts a finger with the washing.
You know what she said to me? She said
Boy, talk about your great moments of history.
Yeah, every guy at the plant stopped dead in his tracks.
Well, you could have heard a pin drop all over town.
And whammo, right over the left field wall
and four runs cross the plate.
BUB: Laura LaPlante
There was a pretty little blue-eyed darling.
She had a dimple right there
deep as that in her cheek of course.
That's right.
The weather's not like it used to be either.
Hotter in the summer and colder in the winter.
You don't see girls like that anymore in the movies.
HUEY: Get your homegrown tomatoes!
Yeah, and how about food?
We had a peach tree on our place,
used to give peaches that big.
Juicy, sweet
Uh-huh. And remember Billie Dove and Leatrice Joy?
Sugar was bitter compared to them.
(wood rattling)
What's the matter with you?
Why, Verda Foster, I never said my mother was a burden.
Lillian Gish in Broken Blossoms, mighty sad.
What the heck are you talking about?
That's the first decent game he pitched all season!
Oh, yeah? Looks like you painted it with your eyes shut!
Well! I'll have you know
I get a lot of compliments on that dress!
And it was far from cheap, too!
Only three cents a pound. Get your banana squash.
And drinking water don't know how long it's been
since I had a good cup of drinking water.
Oh, talk about excitement
That was the greatest series they ever played.
Of course, the whole thing was rigged.
Rhubarb, fresh rhubarb!
Well, my mother said
that if you don't make her stop sucking her thumb she'll
end up on a pension like the rest of us.
I guess some people just never learn to keep still.
Silent movies were better than talkies.
Talk's cheap.
Yeah? Well, put your money where your mouth is.
People should just keep their opinions to themselves.
And in my opinion Look, buddy,
everybody's got a right to his own opinion.
Well, she had two stitches taken in her.
William S. Hart Watch fobs.
Tonsils.
St. Louis Cards.
Raspberries!
Penicillin.
Diapers.
Toronto Maple Leafs.
Tomatoes!
Celluloid collars.
Nazimova.
Diapers.
Asafetida bags.
Clara Kimball Young.
Diapers.
Horse and buggy. Cincinnati Red Legs.
Pola Negri and Theda Bara.
Oh, my gosh, Hal's home.
Be right there, honey!
Oh, Verda, don't tell me it's that time already.
That can't be right.
Yeah, looks about that time.
Okay, Edna, be right over.
Boy, I better be getting that truck back to the dairy
before they send the police out for it.
Man, thanks a lot.
BUB: I'll have to make tracks
if I'm going to get those short ribs done.
Yeah, I don't have time to stand around here.
Got my own lawn to water.
I'd sure like to give the Jensens a hand,
but I just don't have the time.
I know what you mean.
You know, there hardly seems to be time enough nowadays
to help yourself, let alone helping others.
This is yours, Mr. Kincaid. Thank you, Harry.
Hey, Chip, you fellas get those boxes back in the truck?
Get home in time for dinner.
CHIP: Yeah, it's all set, Harry.
All right.
Hey, Bub, hop in the truck.
I'm going right by your place. Thanks, Harry.
Hey, Harry, bowling meet's Tuesday night.
You gonna be there? You betcha.
Nice talking to you, O'Casey. I'll be seeing you, Kincaid.
Take care of yourself. Yeah.
After all, Rose Ann,
we deserve to treat ourselves
to a good time once in a while.
That's right, honey.
And I don't mean the drug store, either.
I mean a nice cafe where we can have a really good lunch.
Sure, and we'll put on our print dresses
and get all gussied up. We'll show 'em.
We may be married, but we're not dead.
BUB: Was I in the navy?
Well, I've worn out more sea bags than you have socks.
Tell Hal hello for me. All righty.
Huey, Chip, come on over here where I can watch you.
Six dollars and ten cents
six dollars and 25 cents
six dollars and 35 cents
Next time you guys get a job, let us know.
How are we supposed to get paid
if the Jensens aren't even home?
Don't worry about it.
Mrs. Jensen said to write out the bill,
slip it under the door
and Mr. Jensen will drop the money
by our place around dinnertime.
ROBBIE: Looks pretty good.
Yeah.
That's what I call a bunch of good neighbors.
This make you happy?
Yep. That makes me happy.
You know, that paint job changes
the look of the whole place.
Yeah, it kind of does.
(laughing) Got back at you for this.
What do you think I am?! What did you do that for?!
What did you do this for? This was by accident.
What do you think I am? You
slapped me in the face with this thing.
You think I'm a canvas or something?
I mean, I get painted over there, I get painted over here.
What about this? That was by accident.
(arguing continues)
Well, how did our two money-grabbers do today?
Well, I've never seen two happier pirates in my life.
They're upstairs right now getting duded up
to go out and spend the loot, I guess. I suppose.
Where'd they make their killing?
Jensen's over on Maple Street.
You don't mean old Carl Jensen? Yeah.
You mean to tell me they took money from them?
Why, those poor old folks haven't got
enough to Well, don't jump on me for it.
I tried to tell Mike! Robbie!
Come on down here, I want to talk to you.
(phone rings) You two gangsters better get down here.
Your dad's home. Money, money, money. That's all they
Hello.
Yes, this is Mr. Douglas.
Oh, come on, Robbie, cut it out.
I'm not following you. I'm just walking behind you.
I got to get down some way, don't I?
Well, walk in front of me.
STEVE: Yes.
Well, thanks for telling me.
Yes. Good-bye.
What did you want, Dad? Did you call us, Dad?
Yeah, that was Mr. Jensen on the phone.
Oh?
He was telling me about that
envelope you put under his door.
What's the trouble? Yeah, what about it?
Well, all I can say is,
I don't think you fellas are going to get very rich
by writing "no charge" on your bills.
Well, we couldn't take money from people like the Jensens.
I'm glad you figured it out that way.
It was a darn nice thing for you to do.
Besides, it was kind of fun.
Of course, we're just as broke as we ever were. Yeah.
Hey, yeah, Dad, uh,
how about doing something for somebody some time?
Yeah, just a somebody for something
Or just for somebody, some time just to do something for
Dad, how about loaning us a couple of bucks?
There you go again. I was just about to say that same
What do you mean? How am I
supposed to know what you're going to say?
Well, why don't you listen and let me finish
I got my own thoughts, too. Every time I
Well, like I was saying, every time I say something
Every time you say something