Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e28 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Board!
Here you are, Joe.
Just like Kate would have picked
if she'd been here to buy it herself.
Sam, I just told you.
While Kate's in Groverdale
visiting her sick Aunt Winifred,
I'm doing the buying and the deciding.
I'll take that one.
But, Joe, those are identical to the one I just gave you.
That one.
Okay, Joe.
Board!
That's better.
This one's in good shape.
Yeah, you old fox, you really got the best one
out of me that time, didn't you?
Well, how much do you want
for this little beauty, Sam old boy?
Dollar and a quarter.
A dollar and a quarter for a washboard?!
Why for that money, it ought to have a motor on it.
About ready to go, Joe?
I'll be along in a minute, Floyd,
as soon as we straighten out a little price problem.
Well, hurry it up.
The Cannonball's ready to pull out.
Make you an offer 50 cents.
Why didn't you ask me the price sooner, Joe?
You know you get much more fun out of the haggling
than you do out of the buying.
Now you know that ain't true, Sam.
Well?
Well, what?
Ain't you gonna make me a counteroffer?
Okay, Joe.
How's about a buck, 20?
Six bits, not a nickel more.
Nothing doing.
Try a buck even.
Okay, a buck even it is.
Nothing doing.
My top price is 90 cents.
There you are, Joe.
Congratulations.
What's this?
That's Drucker's special secret prize of the day.
You just won it.
You're now officially.
Hooterville's number one haggler.
Oh, now, that's a lot of nonsense, Sam.
Let's get back to business.
I just made you an offer of 90 cents.
What do you say?
I say, if you work at it a little bit,
you could be the number one haggler in the whole county.
90 cents.
Sold. Let's have the money.
Charge it. Charge it?!
But mark it under protest.
What have you got here, Sam?
Uh, men's hats. They're on special.
We can get together on price, I might buy one.
Come on, Joe, what's holding you up?
I'll be along as soon as I finish my business, Floyd.
You better finish it pretty soon.
It's one thing for us to be an hour and a half late,
but you're pushing it pretty close to two hours.
Ah, what's the difference?
Nothing, but today we got other people waiting.
I'll be along in a few minutes.
We can't wait that long.
Them folks is getting riled.
Come on, now, or we'll have to pull out without you.
Pull out without me.
That's ridiculous.
Joe, you got exactly 30 seconds left
to catch that train, and that's official.
Maybe you better go, Joe.
He sounded like he meant it.
Oh, Floyd talks more than he says.
Pull out without me.
That's ridiculous.
How do I look?
Terrible.
Board!
Come on, Floyd.
Let's go.
What do you say, Sam How much you want for this one?
All right, Joe, since you got plenty of time
before you start that nice long walk back to Shady Rest,
I'm opening the haggling at a dollar.
And you just went off and left Uncle Joe in Hooterville?
Had to, Billie Jo.
There was people waiting.
I went into Drucker's six times
and tried to drag him out.
You know him. When he gets to gabbing,
there's no way to cork him up.
Well, I can understand how you both felt,
but I can't help worrying about poor Uncle Joe
walking all that way.
Yeah, he's apt to be a little peeved.
Well, hi, Uncle Joe.
I see you got the washboard.
Uh, Charley and Floyd were telling us
about how you didn't quite catch the Cannonball.
Charley and Floyd who?
Now, Uncle Joe, that's no way
to talk about old friends.
Well, if you're referring to those two impatient operators
of that rusty pile of junk
laughingly called the Hooterville Cannonball,
I ain't interested.
Joe, you know the whole thing was your own fault.
I give you fair warning.
Girls, it seems to me I hear voices in this room.
Would you mind telling them
that from now on, any time they're broadcasting,
I won't be tuning in?
And while you're about it, girls,
would you tell old Uncle Sore Head
that before we talk to him,
we'd sooner talk to a hollow log?
Girls, would you mind telling them
that the thing you usually find
at the end of a hollow log is a skunk.
Them two polecats must be gone.
The air smells a lot better in here.
Joe, are you going to keep up this silly fight forever?
Silly fight, my eye.
It's a matter of principle.
What principle?
I don't know, but there's one here somewhere.
Betty Jo, you sure look pretty.
Where you going?
Orville's picking me up to take me to a movie matinee.
Picking you up? In what?
In his flivver.
Well, how's he gonna do that?
The nearest road's two miles over the hill.
He latched on to some old handcart wheels,
and he replaced his regular car wheels with them.
You're joshing.
There he is. I don't believe it.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Come on out and take a look.
This I got to see.
Okay, Betty Jo, we're all set.
Orville, how did you do it?
Oh, brains, patience and perseverance.
And the help of my older brother.
He's a mechanical engineer.
Well, what do you say now, Uncle Joe?
Well, I haven't seen it work yet.
Come on, Orville, you can tell us.
You pushed it in here, didn't you?
Oh, gosh, no, Mr. Carson.
Well, hop in, Betty Jo, and we'll show him.
Well, Uncle Joe?
Like I always said That boy's got a lot of talent.
When did you ever say that?
Starting right now.
He's got more talent than he realizes.
In fact, he's just become a partner in a new railroad.
I'm a little afraid to ask, but, uh,
what are you talking about?
What I'm talking about is that the Hooterville Cannonball
is about to have a little competition
from the Hooterville Flivverball.
Welcome back, kids.
How was the show?
Fine, but riding in this was the real fun.
Well, thanks for taking me to the show, Orville,
and especially for the keen ride.
Ah, sure thing, Betty Jo.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
You go on up to the house, honey.
I want to talk to my good buddy Orville for a minute.
Let me get this straight, Mr. Carson.
You want to go into partnership with me?
Of course I do.
You got talent, intelligence and brain power, my boy.
I have?
And a car with flanged wheels.
You really think we can compete with the Cannonball?
Why not?
They may be bigger, but we got more speed.
We can make a dozen runs to Hooterville
while they're still trying to get up steam in Pixley.
And all I have to do is lend you the car, huh?
And furnish the gas and oil.
And we'll split the profits after that
right down through the middle.
Mr. Carson, I don't know what to say.
Now let's look at it this way.
What other boy ever had half interest
in a railroad at 16?
I guess you're right.
Well, of course I'm right, partner.
Girls, your mother's a great little woman,
but she just ain't got my business instincts.
Now when she gets back and sees what I'm doing,
she'll be proud.
What she'll be is furious.
Oh, no, she won't.
She's never really seen me in action yet.
Why, before long, Orville and me'll have
diesel locomotives, tank cars, Vista Domes.
Hooterville will be the hub of the railroad industry.
Might even buy out the New York Central.
Uncle Joe, you know you don't believe a word you're saying.
What do you mean?
I mean that you're doing this for one purpose only
To get even with poor Charley and Floyd.
Yeah, poor is right.
When I get through with them,
they ain't gonna have enough steam left
to blow their whistle.
Uncle Joe, now listen a minute, please.
The Cannonball is Charley and Floyd's whole livelihood.
Well, if it's their livelihood,
they ought to know better than to go around
leaving important passengers stranded.
Now, Uncle Joe, you know whose fault that was.
You're dang right.
I got it figured.
40% Floyd for making the signal,
60% Charley for leaving.
Well, Charley, Floyd, we were just talking about you,
weren't we, Uncle Joe?
You were.
I was talking about the railroading business.
Hey, what's that fool flivver doing
sitting down below on our tracks?
Your tracks?
Them ain't no more your tracks
than they are anybody else's.
But it's our railroad.
Has been up until now.
You and Charley had a pretty slick
little monopoly going.
Joe, what in tarnation are you talking about?
I ain't talking, I'm telling.
At 8:04 tomorrow morning,
The little Hooterville Flivverball sitting down there
is gonna run your Cannonball out of business.
Ha! You're gonna run us out of business
with that little thing?
That's the biggest joke I ever heard.
Yeah? Within a couple of days,
you'll be laughing out of the other side
of your boiler.
Why that ornery old coot.
Reckon he's really serious.
Who'd think he'd go that far,
just 'cause we made him walk home with that washboard?
Oh, there's nothing to worry about.
By tomorrow morning, when Uncle Joe finds out
that there's work connected with this,
he'll forget the whole thing.
I hope.
Step right up, folks.
Ride the Hooterville Flivverball,
a new adventure in railroad travel.
Remember our slogan Fresh air, low fare!
Did you ever seen anything as ridiculous in your life?
Yeah, who would ride in that pneumonia buggy?
Are you tired of riding in that cooped up coach
with stale, used-up air?
Then ride in the wide open fresh air Flivverball,
especially equipped for sight-seeing.
How do you do, sir?
I can see that you're an experienced,
discriminating traveler.
Just step aboard.
We'll be pulling out as soon as we're sure
we're not leaving anybody behind.
He sure grabs hold of a grudge real strong, don't he?
He's got an elephant's memory and a mule's nature.
Just step aboard, madam.
On the Flivverball,
both you and your chicken are welcome.
Take the scenic route, folks.
Unlimited view of all historical points of interest.
Uh, just step in, folks.
There's room for everybody.
I'll be switched.
He seems to be getting a few.
He seems to be getting more than we're getting.
Some people will take to anything
just 'cause it's new and fashionable.
Well, folks, it's departure time,
and we're departing.
I'll say one thing for his train
It's got pickup.
Yeah, but we got his overflow.
You mean that people actually
paid money to ride that thing?
Joe was cranking that money changer
like somebody wound him up at the elbow.
Well, where's Uncle Joe now?
He hasn't missed dinner in over 15 years.
It's getting pretty late.
What time is it?
Uh it's 8:00.
Maybe he's picking up the late revelers at Pixley.
$7.37, and that's just for the first day.
After I convert to diesel and get longer benches,
I'll have all of Hooterville at my feet.
Uncle Joe, you don't really mean
that you're going to continue running that Flivverball
like this day after day.
Why not?
I'll tell you why not.
You keep this up and Floyd and me'll be out in the cold.
And when you're out in the cold, it's pretty cold.
You big cartels are all alike.
You talk about the glories of competition,
but the minute somebody opens up beside you,
you start to cry.
Gentlemen, please.
Now, don't you think it's time you apologized
to each other and made up?
We'll apologize if he'll apologize first
for trying to run us out of business.
I ain't apologizing
until you two admit it was a low-down trick
to leave me stranded at Drucker's store.
Now, if you young ladies'll excuse me,
I'll get to bed and get ready for another busy day.
Uncle Joe, aren't you going to have any dinner?
Well, I'll have a sandwich and a glass of milk
in my room while I go over my accounts.
We'd better get home and get to bed, too.
We got to get out early to try to keep up.
Bye, girls. Bye, fellas.
Good night, Charley, good night, Floyd.
See you tomorrow. Girls, thanks for the dinner.
Good morning, Uncle Joe. Hi, Uncle Joe.
Morning, Uncle Joe. Morning, girls.
You got some breakfast for a hungry railroad man?
Mom's in the kitchen getting it ready.
Your mom's home?
Yeah, she got in last night,
and Aunt Winifred's just fine.
I can close my eyes and tell you what we're having.
Country sausage, buckwheat cakes, and blueberry syrup.
It's my favorite breakfast.
We told her what's been going on, Uncle Joe.
I think she's got a surprise for you.
Good morning, Uncle Joe.
Good morning.
Welcome home, my dear.
Thank you, it's good to be home.
Tell me something.
Are you still in the railroad business?
I'll say I'm still in the railroad business.
Couple more days and I'll have
that Cannonball in mothballs.
I guess that makes you feel real proud.
Well, let's face it.
Some of us have it and some of us don't.
Putting Floyd and Charley out of business would be a
real triumph, wouldn't it?
When they sell that Cannonball for junk,
it'll be the happiest day of my life.
Well, I guess when big businessmen get to competing,
uh, there's just no room for sentiment.
Kate, you're finally getting realistic.
You know, in the jungle of big business,
somebody has to suffer.
Mm-hmm.
Kate, are you forgetting something?
Oh I don't think so, Uncle Joe.
What?
My plate ain't nothing on it but the painted flowers.
Yeah, that's right.
Aren't we planning on covering 'em up
with hotcakes and sausage?
No, we're not.
As long as this silly feud keeps up
between you, Charley and Floyd,
none of you are going to have a bite to eat at this table.
You're joshing.
I am?
Would you plea pardon me
Would you please pass the blueberry syrup, Billie Jo?
Pinch me, Billie Jo, I think I'm having a bad dream.
Oh, no, it's no dream, Uncle Joe,
but now that you're a successful railroad man,
you can eat in town at the Pixley Diner.
Kate, you know I'm a forgiving man.
I'm going to give you one more chance to change your mind.
Do I get some hotcakes and sausage or don't I?
You don't.
Pass the butter.
That does it.
Girls, you've got the doggonedest,
stubbornest mother that ever was.
Where are you going, Uncle Joe?
Where do you think I'm going?
I'm going to run that Flivverball
until I die at the throttle of malnutrition.
Do we smell sausage and buckwheat cakes?
Yeah, and that's all you're going to get's a smell.
That woman's turning real difficult.
What's the matter with Ol' Grumpy?
Uncle Joe's always grumpy
when he hasn't eaten breakfast.
And he sure hasn't had any this morning.
How come? Has he got dyspepsia?
No.
Uncle Joe just has a bad case of the stubborns.
And Mom told him he wasn't going to get a bite of food
until he stopped this nonsense with the Flivverball.
It's a good thing you're back, Kate.
Yeah, smart thinking, Kate.
That'll bring him back to his senses.
If he's got any.
That's the only way to treat a stubborn old fool like him.
That's what I thought.
I knew you boys'd be ready to apologize and make up.
Us apologize?
To that old railroad pirate?
Never in a million years.
Well that just ended breakfast.
You mean you're not going to feed us either?
Not as long as you three keep feuding.
Well, Floyd, I reckon we might as well get going.
I guess we might as well.
So long, Kate. So long.
So long, boys.
Mom, don't you think you were a little hard
on Charley and Floyd?
And Uncle Joe, too.
Well, you practically took the sausages
right out of their mouths.
You girls remember when you were little kids
and you used to have those stubborn spats with each other?
Well, sure, Mom.
But what you don't remember is how I got you over them.
How did you?
I used to get you so mad at me
that you forgot about being mad at each other.
Oh, I see.
What you're doing is starving.
Uncle Joe, Charley and Floyd
into getting mad at you.
And going back to being good friends again.
Now, let's clear the table.
Mom. Hmm?
There's something I don't understand.
What's that, Betty?
Well, when we were kids
and you got us over being mad at each other
by getting us mad at you,
well, how did you get us to stop being mad at you?
Honey, that was always the real tricky part.
What a breakfast for a big railroad executive.
Joe, those bananas are a little green,
and if you keep on eating 'em,
you're going to get a little green, too.
Well, a man's got to eat something
to hold body and soul together.
Well, I don't know about your soul,
but you could afford to lose about 40 pounds of body.
Well, if Kate don't come to her senses,
I'll be known as the Hooterville Skeleton.
Somebody ought to come to their senses,
but it ain't Kate.
Why don't you give that fool flivver back to Orville
and let Charley and Floyd run the railroad?
Ha.
Them two nincompoops couldn't run an electric train
on a living room rug.
I'd better get going.
I got to beat 'em through the switch to Pixley.
Well, now, just a minute, Joe.
Them bananas cost a nickel apiece.
Sam, how can you talk about the price of bananas
in the middle of a railroad war?
I'd have bought more bananas
if I'd known I was going to have
so many monkeys in here today.
Sam, we ain't enjoying living on bananas.
But it's better than the Pixley Diner.
Them blue plate specials of theirs
is turning Charley and me blue.
All you have to do is apologize to Joe
and you'll have your feet back under Kate's table.
We wouldn't apologize to him
if he was head of the New York Central.
Come on, Floyd, let's see if we can knock him
off the track on the way to Pixley.
I knew this old army mess kit would come in handy some day.
Well, if the Army had to travel on its stomach
and waited for you to do the cooking,
we'd have lost the war for sure.
Wait till you taste this.
You're going to be surprised.
I'll be surprised if I ever get to taste it.
Charley, I'm the conductor
and I don't mind helping fire the engine,
but I never signed on as a cook.
Do I smell something cooking?
Well, if it ain't the big railroader.
Floyd, give Mr. Vanderbilt a seat.
Don't be so smart-alecky.
Floyd, what you cooking?
He's cooking some food for us.
Oh, Charley, let's give him a little.
He's starving just like we are.
I don't know as I'd accept charity, even if it was offered.
Okay, we won't offer you any.
On second thought, I'll accept.
Here you are.
Beef stew a la World War I.
Stew like this could lead to World War III.
I never thought anything could taste worse
than green bananas, but, Floyd, you've done it.
Boy, it is awful, ain't it?
Somewhere between World War I and now,
I must have lost my touch.
I suppose you know who got us into all this trouble.
Kate. That's right.
If it wasn't for her,
we wouldn't be suffering like this.
That stew on top of them green bananas
is sure starting to make me suffer.
That's the trouble with women.
They ain't got no sense of humor.
You're right, Joe.
A few old friends start having a little good-natured fun
and right away some woman comes along
and starts taking it serious.
Of course.
But how could she figure
I was planning on staying into the railroad business
Me up to my ears in work running that hotel?
Like I was telling Kate a little while ago,
it's just too much work for one man
no matter how talented he is.
You're right, Joe, your place is back on the front porch
of the Shady Rest, making decisions.
And our place is running this Cannonball.
And all of our place
is right back where we can get our feet under Kate's table.
You know what's going on over there right now?
What?
Kate's laying out a spread of chicken and dumplings
that'd make a statue come running to the table.
Well, what are we doing here?
You know what the old World War I infantry manual said?
Sure.
When they got you completely surrounded,
surrender and join the enemy.
Let's go.
Hi, Kate.
Just happened to be in the neighborhood
and thought we'd drop in.
Just thought we'd come in and say hi.
Am I to assume that the railroad trouble is over?
What railroad trouble?
Kate, hadn't you heard?
Uncle Joe is back in the hotel business.
Well, I'm sure glad to hear that.
We can't get along without you, Uncle Joe.
Hear that, boys?
Women are helpless without us.
Why don't the three of you join us for supper?
Oh, I don't know, we just had quite a meal.
Quite a meal is right.
Oh, well, suit yourselves.
I have to call another guest, so please excuse me.
Mr. Anderson?
Supper's ready.
Who's that?
That's J.P. Anderson,
a salesman otherwise known as Wipeout Anderson,
the bottomless pit of the eating world.
We'd better get to the table before him
or there won't be a bone left.
Uh, full as we are, I think we'll try a little
of your chicken and dumplings, Kate.
Well, whether you can choke down a bite or not,
it's sure good to see the three of you
sitting at this table again.
Mr. Anderson.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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