Family Affair (1966) s01e29 Episode Script

1
He's not only good-looking, he is without
a doubt the smartest person I know.
Oh, what a brain.
Hey, what'd you do, give up football
players?
Who's your boyfriend with a brain?
Oh, Uncle Bill, I'm talking about you.
Oh, me, well I'll
call you back, Sherry.
A messenger just brought it a few minutes
ago.
You didn't tell us you got such a
wonderful award at the banquet last night.
Yeah, not bad, is it?
Not bad?
Oh, you're too modest.
It's going right over there in place of
that Greek sculpture.
Aw, you're not putting that thing over
there.
I paid a thousand drachmas for that in
Greece.
Well, it's going in the den.
Okay.
Buffy, Jody!
Aw, they're not here.
Mr. French took them to the Punch and Judy
show.
Well, it's his Thursday.
It's his day off.
You know they're twins.
When they go to work on somebody,
who can resist them?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, who?
Hi, Uncle Bill!
Oh, hi, hi.
Well, I see they talked you into giving up
your Thursday.
Oh, well, there was a slight rearrangement of
plans, sir, but Buffy and Jody are most persuasive.
So I noticed.
You should have been with us, Uncle Bill.
Bill, Punch sure bopped Jody around.
Then the devil bopped Punch around.
Buffy, young ladies of breeding do not say
bop.
Hey, let's go watch Captain Hippopotamus
in the den.
Come on.
Children, there'll be no television until
you've washed thoroughly.
Now, if you'll excuse me, sir,
I'll start dinner.
Now, just a minute.
I want to I want to
talk to you about them.
In the first place, don't ever let them
talk you into giving up your day off again.
Oh, I didn't mind, sir.
Oh, I know that, French.
That's not the point.
The point is that we can't let them start
running our lives.
Oh, but they're nice children,
sir.
Sure they are, and that's just why we
shouldn't spoil them.
Mr. French!
All right, you may now watch Captain
Hippopotamus.
Oh, will you read some more Wizard of Oz
to us after dinner?
You do the cowardly lines real good.
Yeah.
No, no, I'm sorry, I can't do it tonight,
kids.
I'm gonna be real busy, and I'm gonna be
awful blizzy.
Go on, go on, scoot now.
I feel like a dog.
It's the proper thing to do, sir.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
Had to do it, French.
Hi, kids.
Hey, you guys.
Look at the trophy Uncle Bill got.
It's real pretty.
What's a trophy?
Well, it's kind of like an award you get
if you're real good at something.
Like in school when the teacher gives you
a star for spelling?
Yeah, well, something like that.
Come here and look at this.
The best achievement in construction
engineering, William Davis.
Who gave it to him?
A group of people who wanted to show their
appreciation.
Uncle Bill's the best builder,
all right.
Jody, why don't you and me give him an
award to show our appreciation?
For being the best uncle?
The best there ever was.
Yeah, that'd be neat.
I could borrow some modeling Clay from
Peter upstairs.
We'll start on it tonight, right after
dinner.
We can't make it like a building,
Buffy.
What do we make it like?
We'll make it like the world, because
that's what he is.
The best uncle in the whole world.
How big you think I honor all the world,
Tari?
Big is till you're all out of Clay.
Should we tell Cissy and Mr. French?
Nobody will keep it a secret between us.
I'm gonna make the card that says,
Best Uncle, real pretty.
Jody, Buffy.
I'm gonna make the card that says,
Give me the cardboard.
We're in here, Uncle Bill.
Hey, what are you doing under the bed?
Just crawling out.
I'm just sitting.
Come on, sit up here with your sister.
I got something I want to say to both of
you.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
It's about what happened this afternoon.
What happened this afternoon?
We went to the puppet show.
I know you went to the puppet show.
And you talked Mr. French into taking you there
on his day off, and that was not a nice thing to do.
Now, you kids have just got to quit
thinking about yourselves all the time.
You know, us grown-ups have things we want
to do, too.
Like, for instance, next Sunday afternoon,
I'm not going to be around here for any outings.
I'm going to play golf all afternoon,
so taking you to the zoo is out.
Is that clear?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Okay.
I'll be back later to say goodnight.
You don't have to if you're busy.
Well, I'm not going to be that busy.
I like the zoo, but not every Sunday.
Me neither.
I thought Uncle Bill liked it.
What are you doing that for?
What?
Scratching.
I feel kind of itchy.
Jody.
Will you please stop scratching?
I can't help it.
I itch.
And when you itch, you gotta.
French, I'm going to eat at the club this
morning.
I got one of those business breakfast
things.
I'll see you tonight, kids.
Okay.
Bye-bye, Uncle Bill.
Mr. Davis, may we have a word with you,
please?
Not that I'm a worrywart, sir, but I'm
somewhat concerned about Master Jody's itch.
How long has he been doing that?
Well, I first noticed it last night,
sir, whilst tucking him into bed.
Oh, it's probably nothing.
Just to be on the safe side, you better
take him to the pediatrician after school.
Oh, I think that'd be very wise,
sir.
As my father used to say, never wait till
tomorrow to be sorry for what happened yesterday.
What's that mean exactly?
Well, I'm not quite sure, sir, but it almost
sounded most profound the way he said it.
Ah, good afternoon.
I believe we have an appointment for Dr.
Felsen.
Oh, yes, Mr. French.
How are you, Jody?
Hey, Buffy, are you here for your booster
shots?
We got boosted last month.
Jody, it's just something terrible.
Show her, Jody.
Jody, there's no need for a demonstration.
You may go in now, Mr. French.
Thank you.
Oh, Buffy, you wait here.
It's most baffling, Doctor.
He's been scratching incessantly since
last night.
Yeah, how does he describe the itch?
He tells us it's a very itchy itch.
I doubt if that's much help medically.
Temperature is perfectly normal.
Jody, would you wait outside for a moment?
I want to speak to Mr. French.
Okay.
He's a lollipop.
Can I have one for my sister?
To Buffy, with my compliments.
Thank you.
I'll have to make some patch tests on him
beginning Monday.
Patch tests?
You may leave, Jody.
Yes, sir.
Sure, lollipop.
Mmm, strawberry.
Did the doctor give you any medicine?
Uh-uh.
He's just gonna test me for patches.
You got patches?
That's what he said.
Well, I'm not too familiar with allergies, Doctor, but
I understand that they can often be caused by food.
By a multitude of things.
Food, clothing, often it's a household
pet, a cat or a dog.
We have neither.
On the other hand, Jody's allergy may have
been triggered by an emotional crisis of some sort.
Even at his age?
Especially at his age.
Envy could have brought it on,
or jealousy, or frustration.
Frustration?
Hmm, interesting.
Frustration?
That's a very word, sir.
Well, I don't go along with that.
If there ever was a healthy, normal,
well-adjusted kid, it's Jody.
Yes, sir, but the fact remains he does
itch.
When does itching start?
Um, last evening, sir.
Well, I told him I wouldn't read The
Wizard of Oz to him.
And after that, I went in the bedroom
and
told both of them that I wasn't going to
take him to the zoo on Sunday.
I guess I did a pretty good job of
frustrating that kid.
Yes, sir, I arrived at the same
conclusion, but what bothers me is the
fact that Buffy doesn't seem in the least
affected.
Oh, well, that's the feminine sex for you.
You know, people say
they're weak, but they get their
emotions right out of control
all the time, every minute.
How'd you like my world so far,
Buffy?
Well It's a little lumpy.
Those are the mountains.
For Uncle Bill, the bestest, nicest uncle
in the world.
Can't you put terrificist on it,
too?
There's no room.
I'll get a bigger piece of cardboard.
Here.
he comes.
Hi.
Hi, Uncle Bill.
Where's Jody?
In the closet.
Hi, Uncle Bill.
I'm just coming out of the closet.
Yeah, I see.
Now, listen, Joe.
Remember last night?
I told you I couldn't take you to the zoo.
Uh-huh, because you were busy.
That's okay if you were busy, Uncle Bill.
No, it isn't.
You were counting on going to the zoo,
and so we're going to go to the zoo.
We don't have to go.
Well, if you don't want to.
Yeah, but I want to, so we're going to go
tomorrow afternoon.
Now, it's all set.
We're going to spend all Saturday
afternoon together, right?
All afternoon?
All afternoon.
This is terrible, Jody.
We just got to finish the trophy.
Yeah, by dinner time tomorrow.
That's not a whole lot of time.
Well, I'll just have to have it.
I'll help you.
Well,
sir, I trust the twins were happy with the
change of plans.
Oh, sure they were.
Of course, they tried not
to show it, but I could tell
the way they were looking at
each other, they were happy.
Well, sir, you nipped Jody's frustration
right in the bud.
Yeah, just in time, too.
Listen, will you see if you can find a
copy of Wizard of Oz?
I got a bone up on that cowardly lion.
Hey, do you like.
to see lions?
Yeah.
Yeah, this is what I like.
I could stand here and watch these chimps
all day.
You really like the zoo, don't you,
Uncle Bill?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Buffy, here.
Go get us some peanuts so we can feed the
chimps, huh?
Okay, Uncle Bill.
Well, Jody, you having a good time?
Yes, sir.
I mean a real good time.
Oh, sure, Uncle Bill.
Well, we can go home any time you want to.
Hey,
you have to do that.
Do what?
Scratch like that.
I didn't know I was.
Here's the peanuts you wanted so you can
feed the chimps.
Well, they're not for me, baby.
They're for you.
Here.
Here, Jody.
They.
are funny.
That chimp's scratching just like you,
Buffy.
Yeah.
Honey, honey, you don't have to imitate
the chimp.
I'm not.
I'm scratching because I it.
You too?
Uncle Bill, can we go home now?
Yeah, I guess we might as well.
What gets me is why they were both
scratching.
There's got to be some reason for that.
Well, at least you know it's not
frustration.
You took them to the zoo.
Well, that's quite right, sir.
It's not your fault.
I'll go along with you on that,
French, except for one thing.
Why were they in such a hurry to get home?
They could hardly wait to get rid of me,
you know.
Well, perhaps it was a food allergy.
So the strawberry mousse I prepared for
them Thursday night.
That's right.
They've never had that before.
Buffy might be having a delayed reaction.
Yeah, that could be.
Oh, good evening, Doctor.
Evening, French.
I happen to be in the building,
and I just stopped by to see Mr. Davis.
Is he home?
Oh, Doctor.
Oh, how do you do?
Mr. Davis, I have some rather interesting
information concerning Jody's allergy.
So have I.
Buffy's got it now.
He has?
Well, it's quite likely.
It's quite likely in view of the
circumstances.
What circumstances?
Well, I have a young patient in this
building, just about Jody's age,
Peter Donaldson.
Oh, yes, Peter and Jody are chums.
I'm fine.
I don't blame you.
You see, I've been treating Peter for an
allergy that's similar to Jody's.
And a few hours ago, the patch test
reports came through.
And Peter's allergy was caused by modeling
Clay.
But Jody has no modeling Clay.
Doctor.
Well, maybe he got a hold of some of
Peter's Clay.
My opinion exactly.
How could we get him?
Get Buffy, too.
It'll be finished right in time for
dinner, Jody.
Yeah, I never thought we could keep it a
secret.
Buffy!
Quick!
Okay, open the door.
Buffy, why did you have the chair against
the door?
Oh.
Just cause.
Cause why?
Cause in case.
In case what?
In case cause.
Come on, Uncle Bill wants to see you.
You sure it wasn't something else that
could produce the same symptom?
I'm sure it was modeling Clay.
Uncle Bill!
Here they are.
Oh.
Now kids, I want to ask you something
that's very important.
You been playing with Peter's modeling
Clay?
Playing with it?
No, Uncle Bill.
Okay, that rules that out.
Yes, it does.
We'll have to keep looking.
Uh, Buffy, may I see your arm where it
itches?
Yours too, uh, Jody.
Look at this, Mr. Davis.
Clay.
Got Peter's Clay on your hands?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Buffy, Jody.
I'll handle this, Cissy.
I don't want to keep you from your dinner
any longer, Doctor.
Good night.
I'm sorry I bothered you.
Don't mention it.
Good night, kids.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, why didn't you tell me you had some
of Peter's Clay?
When I asked you?
You don't want to tell me, huh?
Okay, I guess I'm going to have to punish
you.
You know why, don't you?
When you said you weren't playing with it,
and you were, you were just telling me a lie.
You go on in your rooms.
Stay there.
Okay.
Come on, Buffy.
Well, it's the first time they ever lied
to me.
I wouldn't let the twins get you down,
Uncle Bill.
After all, sir, the room is six.
I know.
It's still a big disappointment.
Uncle Bill, can Jody and me come in and
talk to you for a minute?
You want to apologize?
No, we want to give you something.
Come on in, Jody.
What's that?
Well, you got a special kind of a trophy
for being the world's best builder.
So we made you one, too.
For being the world's best uncle.
For Uncle Bill, the bestest, nicest,
terrificest uncle in the world.
Modeling Clay.
Yes, sir.
You see, Sissy, we weren't playing,
we were working.
We wouldn't tell you a fib, Uncle Bill.
Are you surprised?
I'm not only surprised, I'm a whole lot of
things.
French, we got a new centerpiece.
I shall remove the flowers, sir.
Well, I don't know about being the world's
best uncle, but you sure are the world's best twins.