Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e29 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Howdy, Kate.
What?
What?
I said, "Morning, Kate!"
What was that?
Nothing to worry about, Uncle Joe.
It's called silence.
Hi, boys.
I'm sorry, kids, to break up
all that fancy stompin' and hoppin'
to that dandy music, but I'd like
to be able to hear Charley and Floyd.
Sure, Mrs. Bradley. That's okay.
Besides, it's the first chance I've had today
to rest my frazzled nerves and shattered eardrums.
Yeah, we're real sorry, Mrs. Bradley.
Yeah. We're all so darn anxious
to do good in that Hooterville Hop contest next month.
We kind of get carried away.
Yeah. Well, for the time being,
would you mind being carried away to the kitchen
for some milk and cookies?
Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Mom.
And please, chew quietly.
Here you are, Kate. Today's mail.
One postcard?
Better than yesterday Three bills
and a circular on low-cost Las Vegas weekends.
Why, this is from Mr. Norman Curtis of the railroad.
Nutty Norman? You're kidding.
What does he say?
He says he's in Europe.
That's no surprise.
He also says he's president of the railroad.
Shh! Joe, let's see.
He says he's in Europe. "Having a wonderful"
Can't make out the next word.
"Vacation."
That's right. "Vacation."
"The people here are very"
"Friendly."
Yes. Thank you.
"And the weather is"
I couldn't make that out either.
"Delightful."
Thank you, Charley.
"I plan to be here three months.
"Regards to everyone.
Sincerely, Norman Curtis."
Since when did they start spelling "sincerely" "L-O-V-E"?
Oh, Charley. That's just
just his way of being friendly.
I think it was very nice of Mr. Curtis
to think of us all the way over here from Paris.
Paris. Hah! He's pathetic.
No, he's not.
And I'm worried.
Suppose Mr. Bedloe comes up with another scheme
to close down the Cannonball while he's gone.
Now, you know that Mr. Curtis is always on our side.
So what?
Nutty Norman ain't any more president
of that railroad than I am.
I don't know, but in some way,
Mr. Curtis seems to be Mr. Bedloe's superior.
That don't prove nothing.
Who ain't?
Bedloe, as your superior, I have a right
to know why you're requesting
a temporary transfer to Hooterville.
Mr. Giddings, you know that that
miserable Hooterville Cannonball
is the one rotten apple in the whole C. & F.W. barrel.
Close down that line while Curtis is in Europe,
and you'll be able to walk into
the next stockholders' meeting
as the, shall we say, the C. & F.W. Man of the Year.
I have strict orders from Norman Curtis
not to close down the Cannonball.
But you're not going to close it down.
You'll be improving it!
This scheme is even sneakier than I thought.
You've lost me.
J.B., appoint me superintendent of that line,
and I'll institute an efficiency campaign
that will make those people down there
wish they had never heard of the Hooterville Cannonball.
You're beginning to find me.
Believe me. Believe me, J.B.
When I get through with them down there,
you won't have to close down the line.
They'll do it themselves.
I'd be grateful for the chance.
And I won't be bucking Curtis' orders either.
Oh, more than that, you'll be the stockholders' hero.
Remember, J.B., this company is ready
for new and dynamic leadership!
Bedloe, I'm sending you to Hooterville
as superintendent of that line.
But there's less than a month
until the stockholders' meeting.
If you're going to get the job done in time,
you'd better leave as soon as possible.
Whatever you say, J.B.
Kate, Joe.
Hi, boys. Hi, boys.
Beautiful day, ain't it?
Makes a man glad he's alive.
Good morning, everybody.
I wish I was dead.
Homer Bedloe, what are you doing in Hooterville?
That's like asking a fox
what he's doing in the henhouse.
Oh, that's very witty, Mr. Carson.
I'm going to enjoy living with you at the Shady Rest.
You're staying here? For how long?
Only as long as it takes to get the job done.
Mrs. Bradley, do you have yearly rates?
Mr. Bedloe, what are you talking about?
Tell me, Charley, any more foolish questions?
Mr. Bedloe, I I
Oh, now stop bumbling, man.
You're talking to the new superintendent
of the Hooterville Cannonball.
Now, come along. Let's get going.
Get going? Where to?
To work. We've got a schedule to keep.
What schedule?
This schedule.
A schedule for the Cannonball?
The thought of that makes my heart jump up
into my throat, Mr. Bedloe.
Well, swallow it.
Let's get going.
We've got to be in Hooterville in 12 minutes.
What for?
Because it says so here.
There ain't nothing happening
in Hooterville this time of day.
What do we do when we get there?
Go back to Pixley. Why?
Because it says so here!
Mr. Bedloe, we can't follow a schedule like this.
Why, it calls for 14 runs a day.
15. You're forgetting the 4:00 a.m. milk run.
Who drinks milk at 4:00 a.m.?
Now, stop stalling, and get on that train!
Just a minute.
The boys haven't eaten yet.
And Charley always gets dizzy spells
when he doesn't get his proper nourishment.
Yeah. He's been known to get dizzy ten or 12 times a day.
Mr. Bedloe, we're not leaving
till we have our lunch.
Just a minute!
I'd like to read you Article 7 from the Book of Rules
of the C. & F.W. Railroad.
"Insubordination."
"Any employee who disobeys an order from a superior
is subject to immediate dismissal."
I guess you better go, boys.
And I'll fix you some sandwiches
to take along with you.
Uh-uh-uh-uh!
Article 26. "Eating or drinking while on duty"
"constitutes a violation of the C. & F.W. rules
governing deportment."
This is also covered by Clause 96 "Road Etiquette."
We get the point, Mr. Bedloe.
Don't worry, boys.
I'll keep the food warm
for when you stop on your way back.
What stop?
You might as well know now, Mrs. Bradley,
that the Cannonball is only making
three stops a day at the Shady Rest.
In the morning, they pick me up.
At noon, for lunch.
And in the evening, they bring me back again.
Is that last stop necessary?
It's covered by Article 32
"Welfare and Comfort of the Supervisory Personnel."
So that's what it's all about.
I might of known it's another one
of your low-down, sneaky schemes
to shut down the Cannonball.
I couldn't have described it better myself, Mrs. Bradley.
Beautiful, isn't it?
We're pulling out in one minute!
I ain't going.
You have to.
That's what he's trying to do
Get you to quit.
Just like he's trying to shut down the Shady Rest
with those three stops a day.
I knew that guy would never change.
He's got a one-track mind.
Yeah. The track from Hooterville to Pixley.
He's aiming to make it so tough on us
that we're going to shut down the Cannonball ourselves.
Then we gotta get him out of the Shady Rest.
Oh, no. It's better to have him
where we can keep an eye on him
and what he's up to.
Well, what are you aiming to do about him, Kate?
We just gotta outlast him.
This is a war of nerves.
Well, that's the only trouble.
He's got more nerve than we got.
True.
♪
♪
Smoot! Pratt!
That's enough time for breakfast.
Let's get rolling!
All right, Pratt, this isn't the old days.
Let's look alive.
I'm sorry, Kate.
That's all I got time for now.
You did pretty good today.
You almost got through your first helping.
Well, Mrs. Bradley, still hanging on, are you?
We got lots of patience, Mr. Bedloe.
Yes, but no guests.
Not since I put in that new schedule.
I don't know why Pratt and Smoot
haven't thrown in the towel.
Guess it's because they want it for one good cry.
You never managed to beat us before.
Don't you think you're a mite overconfident?
Nonsense.
I could finish you all off in one day.
My only reason for stretching it out is,
my analyst told me I don't get enough pleasure out of life.
Good evening, everybody.
Beautiful evening, isn't it?
Aw Do my eyes deceive me?
Is it possible that I am witnessing
a touch of communal despair?
What a picture you make.
If only I was an artist
and could immortalize this moment in oils,
I assure you the painting would occupy
a prominent place on my office wall
and forever in my heart.
Mr. Bedloe, if you've got a heart, I'd like to see it.
Yeah, me, too Right out in the open.
What'd you do with Floyd and Charley?
They're fast asleep at their posts in the locomotive cab.
That way, they thought they'd get a good night's sleep.
Those two poor boys sure have a good rest coming to 'em.
Not a chance In two and a half hours' time
we're taking a practice emergency run.
Oh
what a lovely night for a train ride.
You won't think it's such a lovely night
when all you get for supper is a cucumber sandwich.
I had a hunch something like that would happen.
The Pixley Diner barbecues a fine chicken.
One of you girls bring a plate up to my room.
And, oh, by the way, Mrs. Bradley,
since you won't be cooking dinner for me tonight,
I'll naturally expect you to deduct it from my bill.
If I were a younger and stronger man, I'd sure show him.
Yeah, Uncle Joe, you'd knock his block off, huh?
No. I'd walk all the way to Pixley
and get me some of that chicken.
Will you stop that racket!
Mrs. Bradley, what kind of a hotel is this
where a man can't get a decent two and a half hours' sleep?
But it's so early.
Early? In another 45 minutes, it's gonna be
almost 9:00!
Have you forgotten I'm to take a practice emergency run?
Who could forget an absolute necessity like that?
This is too much!
You're right, Mr. Bedloe, this is too much.
We've had enough
of your ridiculous rules and schedules.
You've been acting like a child, complaining like a child,
and now you're even going to bed like a child!
What you need is a good spanking.
Now, now, Mrs. Bradley, I'm a guest here.
I didn't pay for this kind of treatment.
That's okay The spanking's on the house.
You know, Mrs. Bradley, at this moment
you remind me very much of my mother.
And we didn't get along, either.
Your mother sounds like a fine, intelligent woman.
And at this moment, I just wish I was your mother!
Sounds to me like you're not happy with my patronage.
We ain't happy with any part of you!
Very well! I'll leave the first thing in the morning.
I'm sure I can get suitable accommodations in Pixley.
Okay, girls, start dancing again.
And to heck with you, Bedloe!
Very well, Mrs. Bradley,
since I won't be living here, there won't be any need
for the Cannonball to stop at the Shady Rest anymore!
I think you spoke a little too harshly, Kate.
Don't worry about him, Uncle Joe.
I-I wouldn't want him for a guest
if he was the last one we ever had.
And I think he is.
We might as well face up to it
This time Bedloe's got us licked.
The Shady Rest ain't gonna have no more guests,
and Floyd and me's through.
Charley's right, Kate.
Me and him's tireder than two hounds
chasing a fast rabbit.
I'll tell you what Floyd and me done.
We told him in so many words that if the Cannonball
ain't stopping at the Shady Rest no more,
we're through running it.
Oh, you shouldn't have done that, Charley.
That's exactly what he wants.
If you and Floyd quit, he can shut down the Cannonball.
Well, he's gonna do it anyhow, sooner or later.
Where'd Bedloe go?
Into the city
C. & F.W. stockholder's meeting he had to attend.
You know, somebody ought to tell them stockholders
how their money's being wasted
Paying a man $30,000 a year
to be superintendent of a one-track line.
You mean the railroad's paying Bedloe $30,000 a year?
He was bragging about it a couple of days ago.
That's the biggest train robbery since Jesse James.
That's our answer.
Now, wait a minute, Kate, we may be desperate,
but robbing the Cannonball ain't gonna help.
Oh, that's not what I mean.
I mean that somebody should tell the stockholders
how their money is being wasted.
Why, they'd never stand still for a $30,000-a-year man
running this line.
You're right, Kate, they'll put Bedloe where he belongs,
back on his regular job, and
we can get to livin' normal again.
Yeah, but who's gonna tell the stockholders?
Us. We'll go to the meeting.
They'll never let us in.
Oh-ho, yes, they will, if we're stockholders.
Kate, you don't expect us to buy C. & F.W. stock.
All we need's one share.
By golly, Kate, I believe you've blundered onto something.
Well, thanks, Uncle Joe.
Now, are we all for it?
Aye.
Aye.
It's unanimous.
Now, then, I'll get Sam Drucker
to buy the share of stock for us,
and then, with luck, we'll be buying Mr. Bedloe
a one-way ticket out of our lives forever!
J.B., when those two imitation railroad men
told me they were quitting,
I knew that my mission was accomplished.
You did it, huh? Yes.
J.B., we've seen the last
of that disgraceful traveling eyesore.
Good! Then I can announce
that the Cannonball is out of business,
it's going to be scrapped.
Right! That's one headache that's gone forever.
Looks like we're getting some visitors.
Oh
Excuse me a minute, J.B.
Just a minute, you can't come in here.
Why, hello, Mr. Bedloe!
Well, this meeting is for the stockholders of the C. & F.W.
That's us.
Here's our share of stock.
Hooterville Investment Fund?
And we're the Homer Bedloe Fan Club.
Oh, that's very flattering.
It's gratifying to know that my modest efforts
in your community haven't gone unnoticed.
"Bedloe must go."
Uh, there was two more words telling where,
but we ran out of girls.
Well, if you people have come here to save the Cannonball,
I'm afraid you're a little late.
What do you mean?
Well, if you'll just sit down
and make yourself comfortable,
the service is about to begin.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I have an important announcement to make,
which I'm sure will please all of the stockholders.
It is with great pride that I am able to inform you
that the one disgraceful, outmoded eyesore
of the entire C. & F.W. system has been eliminated.
The Hooterville-Pixley branchline
is no longer in operation.
That's a good move, Giddings.
It'll save us a lot of money.
It will? Yes.
One of our visiting stockholders,
a lady from out of town, has made us aware
of an interesting fact, which
our comptroller has confirmed.
We stood to lose $30,000 on that branchline this year
The very amount that we were paying the superintendent.
Well, since you're closing down the line,
why not get rid of the superintendent
and save the $30,000?
What?!
Sure! We don't need a superintendent
for a line that no longer exists.
Fire him.
Fire the superintendent?!
Mr. Bedloe, it seems that if we don't have the Cannonball,
you won't have a job.
You're in the same boat with us.
And this time, the rat's going down with the ship.
As one sailor to another,
I think we should pull for shore together.
Well, I hate to admit it, Mrs. Bradley, but you're right.
Uh, gentlemen, gentleman and ladies,
j-just a moment, you're making a terrible mistake.
You can't shut down the Hooterville Cannonball.
That's the greatest little train that was ever built.
Whoever says that that magnificent example
of Early American railroading
should be scrapped deserves to be scrapped.
Call me sentimental and tenderhearted, if you must,
but to me, that beautiful and
distinctive example of Americana
is the pride of the C. & F.W.
But as I understand it, the Hooterville Cannonball
runs on an outdated, inefficient line that
that doesn't even keep a schedule.
That's not true!
Well, since when?
Since you sent us
the best superintendent in railroad history.
Why, you can't shut down that line
after what he's done for it.
He has given us a schedule
that outdoes any other line in the country.
Right, Charley?
14 runs a day.
Plus the milk run.
And Mr. Bedloe has shown us the light!
At 4:00 a.m.
In the dark.
But it's still costing us $30,000.
Well, when you want the best, you got to pay for it.
Exactly.
What's a paltry $30,000 compared
to the welfare and happiness
of the fine and noble people of that community
who depend upon that line?
And what about these two self-sacrificing individuals
who run that great little train?
I refer to my good friends and close companions,
Charley Pratt and Floyd Smoot,
two brave and selfless creatures
who I've seen deprived of food and sleep
just to keep the Cannonball rolling.
Now, gentlemen, with us today
is the proprietress of the Shady Rest Hotel.
I couldn't love her more even if she were my own mother.
And her three charming daughters,
who, by the way, are my fan club.
Must Bedloe go? Must Bedloe go?
Gentlemen, you haven't lived
unless you've seen these three charming creatures
give one of their delightful folk dances.
What more can I say, gentlemen?
The people of this valley are our kind of people,
the greatest people in the world.
Let the C. & F.W. be known as "the railroad with a heart."
Gentlemen, I beg you,
do not scrap the Hooterville Cannonball.
I suggest that the C. & F.W. be known
as "the railroad with a heart."
And that we reopen the Hooterville-Pixley line
and keep on the superintendent.
Of course! Uh well, gentlemen, uh
we don't want to keep our wonderful superintendent
on the Hooterville Cannonball.
Well, why not?
You were just telling us how much you wanted him.
Well, I may be a woman,
but underneath it all I'm a stockholder.
It'd be very selfish of us
to want to keep Mr. Bedloe in Hooterville.
He should be sent to
other trouble spots.
Yeah. Trouble's his middle name.
Did you hear that, Giddings?
I certainly did.
And I know just the place where Mr. Bedloe should be sent.
To our newly acquired railroad line
in Kodiak, Alaska!
The Cannonball rides again!
We owe it all to Mr. Bedloe.
He was terrific.
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, we won't forget you, Bedloe,
even though you are way up there in Alaska.
You can thank Kate for keeping your job for you.
Oh, it was nothing.
After all, we were in the same boat together,
weren't we, Mr. Bedloe?
Only while we were sinking.
From now on, it's war again!
Of course.
After you get back from Alaska.
You know, Mr. Bedloe,
I think those Eskimos up there
are gonna take to you just like we did.
Let's go.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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