Family Affair (1966) s01e30 Episode Script

1
I think Mr. French wants us to get our
books off the table.
How do you know?
He's yelling at us with his eyes.
Hello, Davis residence here.
Uh, French, listen, I've got a, uh,
kind of a peculiar favor to ask of you.
Yes, huh?
Yeah, well, it's got to do with this,
uh, friend of mine.
Um, well, you know Orson Caldwell,
the actor, don't you?
Uh, no, sir.
Oh.
Well, sure, you must have seen him in the
movies.
There's been a lot of movies.
Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.
My cinema experiences have been limited to Sir Lawrence
Olivier in Hamlet and the most enjoyable color
Looks like your name didn't ring a bell.
Don't worry about it, Bill.
There must be several people who haven't
heard of me.
Uh, yeah, uh, well, look, French, anyway,
uh, he wants to, uh, observe you, see?
As I do what, sir?
Well, he's going into this play,
uh, called Gentleman's Gentleman,
and, uh, he always, uh, likes to explore
the characters he's gonna portray, see?
Well, sir, I shall feel rather like a
pheasant under glass.
However, I, I admire his thoroughness.
I see no objection in the plan.
So I'll bring him home for a late supper.
Thanks, French.
Goodbye, sir.
French says he doesn't mind a bit.
French!
Hello.
Hello, Mr. French.
I'm Wanda Cross.
Of course, I remember you well,
Miss Wanda.
How do you do?
I'm quite well, thank you.
Cissy and I have a favor of grand oise
proportions to ask of you.
A favor?
Can Wanda spend the night, Mr. French?
Well, I presume so.
Have you called your Uncle Bill?
Hmm?
Just now.
Yeah, he said to ask you.
Well, then, it's all settled.
I suppose the occasion has some importance
to both you young ladies, hmm?
Oh, it sure has.
We're gonna call it boys.
Good dinner tonight, French.
Thank you, sir.
It certainly was.
Now, French, you're sure it doesn't bother
you to have me watching like this?
Oh, not in the least, sir.
I shall do as you instructed and carry on
as if you were not there.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
I had a little bit of difficulty with the Langlois sauce
for dinner, sir, but I think I eventually triumphed.
You certainly did, and your Langlois was
superb.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Want coffee in there?
Good idea.
French, will you kind of fill me in on
what's been going on around here?
You know, every time I come home late for
dinner, I feel like I've been left out of things.
Thanks.
Very good, sir.
Well, there are two subjects worth
mentioning, sir.
Owing to Miss Wanda's visit, the twins are
bedding down in Master Jody's quarters.
Yeah, I noticed that.
Now, how'd you manage to get Buffy out of
her own room?
Oh, we suggested the fantasy that she
regard Master Jody's room as a hotel, sir.
Barring a heated discussion regarding room
service, I think the experiment went over rather well.
French, you're a winner.
Now, what are Cissy and Wanda doing?
Oh, they're calling up young gentlemen on
the telephone, sir.
It appears that there is a school occasion coming up
called Ladies' Tag Day, I believe, in their vernacular.
Oh, yeah, that's where the girls ask the
boys to dance.
How very astute of you, sir.
I'm afraid it took me considerably longer
to arrive at the same conclusion.
Well, we used to have the same kind of
thing when I was a kid, French.
Boy, I used to get picked by every
Anyway, I found out it was better to have a
broken leg than to get picked by the wrong girl.
Have you been in an injury, sir?
I've been beach dancing with a giraffe.
Quite so-so.
Should you require anything else,
sir, I shall be in the pantry.
Thank you, French.
Pantry?
You have a pantry?
Anything within eight feet of the stove is
a pantry to French.
Now, by the way, there's something very
extra special about him.
Now, not every gentleman's gentleman
gets trapped into taking care of kids, too.
Glad to see you.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, you remember Wanda?
Sure, I'm Wanda.
Well, girls, this is Mr. Caldwell,
Orson Caldwell, old red-eyed.
We already know Orson.
I mean, how do you do, Mr. Caldwell?
How do you do, girls?
Mr. Caldwell is here doing a little
research for his new play.
Oh, we came to ask you something about
something, but, well, it sure can wait.
No, now, not at all, girls.
You see, part of my research, my method is
observing people.
So please, just carry on as if I weren't
here.
Will you?
We're having a tag dance this weekend,
Uncle Bill, and Wanda already picked her
date, but I'm still trying to decide which
boy I want.
Do you think it was opportunistic of me to
invite Victor Grange, Mr. Davis?
He's the student body president,
and he plays guitar real well,
and he has real strong hair.
Sounds delightful.
Thank you, Mr. Caldwell.
Well, Cissy, you better make up your mind
which boy you want to ask, you know.
Those boys are going to get all picked
over by the other girls.
Oh, well, there's still plenty of time,
Uncle Bill.
And, well, if I get really stuck,
I guess I can always ask Virgil Corksen.
Hey, how do you know so much about tag
dances, Uncle Bill?
Oh, we used to have them way back in the
olden days.
Every spring, just before the quilting
day.
Oh.
Well, I guess that we better go.
It's been real nice to have met you,
Mr. Caldwell.
Good night, girls.
Night.
Night.
We almost forgot for a minute.
Is Buffy going to stay in my hotel again
tonight?
No, I think not.
It's hardly likely that Miss Wonder will
stay two nights so nearly contiguous.
Hey,
I just can't believe that Christine Holloway
would do such a thing after she said she wouldn't.
Hi, Mr. French.
Hi, kids.
Gosh, Wonder, I don't want to get stuck
with Virgil.
You must put Virgil Corson from your mind,
Sissy.
You must strive for someone like my Victor
Grange.
Virgil is nothing but a detrimonious
loser.
What is it?
Oh.
Yes, well, I shall see to it that Miss Sissy
and her guests attend to their books presently.
Do you think when we get bigger we'll be
able to leave our books on the table?
And there's another thing I don't know.
What?
I don't know if I'm staying at your house
or at your hotel again tonight.
Yeah.
You notice how nobody ever tells us
anything, Buffy?
Yeah, Jody.
Crisis, sir.
Oh, French, I don't see if we got such a
crisis on our hands.
Well, nor did I, sir, but it appears that
Miss Cissy is on the verge of hysteria
owing to the fact of having to invite one
Virgil Coxon to the tag dance.
Oh, yeah, Virgil.
He's the only one left, huh?
Apparently, sir.
It appears that a Miss Christine Holloway
broke her word and invited one Charles
Voorhees, thereby disrupting Miss Cissy's
plans.
There was considerable vilification of
Miss Holloway and of another young lady,
sir, who apparently did the same thing regarding
a young gentleman named Pinky Beauchampin.
Well, I warned her, French.
Twins okay?
Well, sir, because of Miss Cissy's near
hysteria, Miss Wanda elected to spend the
night with us again, thereby putting Miss
Buffy in Master Jody's quarters.
And judging by the expression on your face,
your idea about the hotel isn't working any longer?
Well, his bedroom is now a castle.
Master Jody is a prince.
But it appears that princes take a dim
view of visiting duchesses.
You must forgive my interceding like this, Mr. Davis,
but Cissy's just had a soul-shattering experience.
I think she needs your shoulder.
Very well.
Hey.
What's the matter?
What happened?
Oh, I can't She says
she can't go to the dance.
She called everybody and they were all
booked up.
And finally, she called Virgil.
And just now, he called back and said he
couldn't go.
Wanda, would you mind?
I want to talk to her alone for a minute.
Oh, I understand completely, Mr. Davis.
So, you waited too long and then you finally
called Virgil and now he says he can't make it, huh?
Well, why can't he make it?
Oh, he
He
Well, don't let it get you.
He must have some good reason.
Oh, I saw him today in school and he was
fine.
And And And tonight he
called and said Said what?
He said
He had a broken leg.
Good morning, Cissy.
Wanted to go home?
Had your breakfast?
Well, I'll be out on the terrace if you
want me for anything.
Well, things don't seem to have improved
much during the night.
No, sir.
I'm afraid the prince tried to throw the
duchess out of the castle.
They're playing with the Dillon children
in the park at the moment, sir.
That's good.
Now, what are we going to do about Cissy?
I don't know, sir, but when you could find
some way of keeping Miss Wanda from the
premises, the child means well, but somehow she always
manages to say the wrong thing in front of Miss Cissy.
Yeah, she's been laying it on a little thick
about that Victor, whatever his name is.
Well, I guess Cissy kind of brought this
on herself, though.
I mean, it is her own fault, wouldn't you
say?
Yes, sir.
While one tries to reach for the ripest
apple, others pick the crop, as the poets say.
Hey, um, sir, why don't we offer ourselves
as escort?
You?
Oh, not I, sir.
You, sir.
Me.
Well, I guess I'm better than nothing.
I'll ask her after breakfast.
Very well, sir.
Now, if you'll excuse me, sir,
I have several chores to do.
Should you require me for anything,
I'll be in the vicinity.
French.
Yes, sir.
Listen, what kind of a stupid,
unthinking kid would tell a nice girl like
Cissy that he's got a broken leg just so
easy he could get out of this?
Well, don't answer.
I'm only gonna say once that you brought
this on yourself, but you did, you know.
You gotta think of all those boys sitting
around waiting for you girls to call them.
I know, I know.
Wanda called right away.
Look who she got.
What are you gonna do?
Nothing.
I'm not going.
Well, I know a guy who'd just love to take
you.
Of course, he's not much.
Who?
Me.
Uncle Bill, you're wonderful.
But I can't.
Why not?
I'll shave and everything.
It's just that
Oh, the kids will
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Showing up with a parent type,
that's kind of an admission of some sort.
I remember a kid in my school who brought
his aunt to a track meet, and it was horrible.
I never lived it down.
Hello, Mr. Davis.
I came over to cheer Sissy up as long as
she can't go to the dance.
May I come in?
Yeah, she's in her room.
Hi.
My dress just came.
What dress?
The one for the dance tonight.
I knew you wouldn't see it there,
so I brought it over here.
What would you have worn tonight,
if you were going?
Oh, excuse me, sir.
I chance to be passing Miss Sissy's room,
and I'm afraid that Miss Wanda is being
Well, somewhat indiscreet about the
school's latest tag dance.
Oh, yeah, rubbing it in.
She's got a date with the high school
hotshot.
Well, it's too bad for Sissy, but we can't
do much about it.
She rejected your offer as escort,
sir?
Oh, French, you can't show up at a high
school dance with your uncle.
A teenager's got a taboo about that sort
of thing.
Hi, French.
Your Butler watcher is here again.
Oh, sir.
A Butler is a great and honored
profession.
However, a gentleman's gentleman is
something distinct and apart.
Oh, I see, French.
Oh, hi, Bill.
Oh, it's you.
Well, I've had warmer welcomes in my day.
You were expecting somebody else?
No, I was doing a little wishful thinking,
I guess.
I was hoping that the best basketball,
football, baseball player, Lexi High,
would walk through that door and ask Sissy
for a date.
Oh, it fell through, huh?
Yeah, tonight of all nights.
You know, the big high school dance and
she's stuck at home.
Poor kid.
Same thing happened to Judy Jones.
Yeah.
Who's Judy Jones?
Character in a play I was in.
Life with Judy.
Same plot, same complications,
and I was the happy ending.
Showed up on act three.
Loaded with medals and took her to the
military academy ball.
Most interesting, sir.
She was 16 and I was 35, but Judy didn't
mind because I was a war hero and a celebrity.
Excuse me, Mr. Davis, but Mr. Caldwell
seems to have arrived at a solution to Mrs.
Sissy's dilemma.
Yeah, he sure has.
I mean, if you do it, do you mind?
I'm glad to, Bill.
Sure, I'll take her.
Shall I call Miss Sissy so that you may
impart the good news to her, sir?
You do that, French.
Well, Orson, I guarantee you, Mrs. Sissy's
going to start a new fan club just for you.
It's my own fault.
Well, it's not so bad.
It'll be just like you were there.
Because tomorrow I'll tell you every
little thing that went on.
Mrs. Sissy?
Come in, Mr. French.
Oh, your uncle would like to see you.
He's in the living room.
I'll be right back, Wanda.
Well, it's sort of shake-sissy out of her
doldrums.
Orson, going to a dance with a big
celebrity.
I'm glad to help out, Bill.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello, Mr. Caldwell.
Hello, Sissy.
You wanted to see me, Uncle Bill?
Yeah, I got a little surprise for you,
honey.
Surprise?
Oh, well, your uncle tells me that you
don't have a date for your high school
dance tonight, Sissy, and, well,
I'd like to take you.
You, Mr. Caldwell?
To the dance?
Well, gosh, I'm really flattered.
It was nice of Uncle Bill to ask you to take
me, but I don't think that it would work out.
She doesn't think it would work out.
That's what I thought she said.
Sure it would work out, Sissy.
Why not?
Well, we're practically different
generations.
I mean, oh, gosh, now that you're so much
older than I am.
Well, I'm so much younger than you are.
I didn't mean to say that.
She's turning you down, Orson.
Cold, man.
What cold?
Oh, I didn't mean anything personal,
Mr. Caldwell.
Gosh, when it comes to acting,
I think you're just the greatest.
Oh, I'll get it, Mr. French.
I feel a hundred years old.
How old do you think I feel?
Uh, hi, Cissy.
The doctor says I can go to the dance.
If I don't dance
Oh, Virgil, your leg is broken.
Oh, I'm so happy.
You'll go with me?
Of course.
Oh, great.
I'll go right home and change into my tux.
I'll go get ready, too.
Well, thanks anyway, Orson.
Oh, don't mention it, Bill.
Wait a minute, Virgil.
I'll drive you home.
We don't want anything to happen to that
other leg.
Hey, Buffy.
Heck, I thought it'd be more fun than
that.
Me, too.
Come in.
Well, don't you look pretty.
Thank you, Uncle Bill.
Now, what are you going to do, go
to dance with Virgil and just sit there?
Oh, why not?
He's a very interesting conversationalist.
I'm very proud of you.
Hey, he's a lucky boy now.
May I help you, sir?
Oh, no thanks.
All right.
All right.
Virgil, well, there she is.
Sorry you can't dance.
I guess you'll have plenty to talk about,
though.
Oh, I'll be able to dance a little bit,
Mr. Davis.
You will?
Yeah, my bones knit fast.
Oh, Virgil, it's beautiful.
Thanks.
Well, good night.
Yeah, good night.
Have fun.
Okay, good night, Mr. French.
Good night.
Come on.
You know something, French?
What's that, sir?
I think it's better to have a real broken
leg than a fake one.
Look what I missed.
I think it's better to have a real broken
leg than a fake one.