Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e30 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Here they come!
All right now, you two, you get behind the desk.
I'll get on the phone.
On a phone that isn't connected?
Yeah, let's not get ridiculous about this.
But does the man from the bank know it isn't connected?
Like I said, you get at the desk, I'll get on the phone.
My report will indicate the
hotel is in excellent condition,
considering its age, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, that's thrilling news, Mr. Bunce.
But I'm afraid that's the only recommendation
I can make to the bank about extending your loan.
You just put a chill in my thrill.
What's that?
Reservations for a family
of six for two weeks beginning the 19th?
Just a moment.
Can we take care of them?
We can't take anything from the 19th through the 30th.
The grocers convention will be here then.
And they're out of luck next month, we're booked solid.
Sorry, sir, but starting in a week,
we're going to be so jam packed around here,
well, there won't even be standing room in the lobby.
Hmm? Oh, certainly.
I think we can squeeze you in then.
Just a moment.
Reserve three rooms for the Fitch family,
14th through the 28th, month after next.
Mr. Fitch, your reservations have been confirmed
and I know you'll have a most enjoyable stay here at the
Oh, you know.
Yes, young lady, I know.
When I tried to make a call earlier,
Mr. Carson explained it wasn't connected.
Good old, dependable Uncle Joe.
I believe he said he hung it
there to give the place "class."
Oh, yes, sir, that's true.
But also, I use it to practice speaking into.
I hope I didn't embarrass you too much.
Oh, no, not a bit.
Why, I always enjoy
feeling like a complete idiot this time of day.
Kate! Kate!
I got great news.
Guess who got off the Cannonball?
Mrs. Clara Watkins,
the social leader of Watkins County.
Uncle Joe, let's not try
She and her son are coming up the hill right now
breathing money from every pore.
Uncle Joe, you're wasting your time.
If Mrs. Watkins likes it here,
Shady Rest could become the headquarters
of the wealthiest people in these parts.
Just think of all the money
Uncle Joe, please settle down.
It's no use.
Mr. Bunce won't go for it.
But don't feel bad.
The girls just struck out on a lollapalooza.
Kate, Mrs. Watkins is coming up the hill, right now.
And I might add, quite a climb.
Well, they told me this wasn't much of a hotel,
and they were right.
Come on, Sonny.
This little Victorian retreat
appears to be just the place for you
to do some serious thinking about yourself.
I think a week here will prove relaxing, restful
and I fear, painfully dull.
Welcome to Shady Rest.
We're honored to have you as our guests.
Oh, yes, of course.
Sign right here, Mrs. Watkins.
Mrs. Watkins Smith at the moment.
I always sign my name in honor of my late husband.
Oh, I see. I'm sorry.
Thank you, my dear.
But when one loses as many husbands as I have lost,
one becomes accustomed to it
and one does not look for sympathy.
Oh.
So what one looks for instead
is another husband.
There you are.
Mrs. Clara Watkins Smith.
Before that, I was Mrs. Clara Watkins Carter.
And then before that, I was Mrs. Clara Watkins Hanover.
And once, I married a distant cousin,
and I was Mrs. Clara Watkins Watkins!
Oh, dear.
That one only lived two months after I married him.
What a pity.
Yes, it was.
Hardly worth the ceremony.
Yes, well, um
I've given you a dandy room, our very best
right in the front of the hotel, Mrs. Watkins
uh um Oh, just "Watkins" will do.
And give Sonny here a room not too far from me.
Oh, number ten, that's bright and cheery.
Got two windows in it.
Sonny needs a tranquil atmosphere,
where he can reflect upon himself and his future.
This naughty boy has just been
expelled from his sixth college.
That's too bad.
They say he's wild and uncontrollable.
I'm sure it's true,
but he certainly never acts that way when he's around me.
Do you, Sonny?!
Oh, no, Mommy.
Here's your suitcases, folks.
This here's the best looking batch of alligator luggage
we've ever carried on the Cannonball.
If them alligators had known
they was going to look this good,
they'd have walked right out of the river
right into the factory all by theyselves.
Thank you, boys.
Girls, will you show the folks to their rooms?
Sure, Mom.
This way, please.
Well, was that her nibs herself or was that her nibs.
Yeah, it was her nibs all right, Uncle Joe.
More than likely at one time Mrs. Clara Watkins Nibs.
Well, Mr. Bunce, how about it?
Well, I must admit
that having Clara Watkins as a guest here
could have some influence on my recommendation to the bank.
Great, now you run over to that little old bank of yours
and take care of the details.
Hold on now, it's not quite that simple.
What I mean is it could make a difference to our bank
if Mrs. Watkins were to recommend this place
to her wealthy friends.
What's so funny, Bobbie Jo?
Tell me, Mom, do you believe in love at first sight?
Well, I don't know, I guess so, why?
Well, I think Sonny Watkins believes in it, too.
But I'm not too sure about Billie Jo.
Well, what are you talking about?
Wait, wait, wait, don't run away!
Come here! Later, Mr. Watkins!
Call me Sonny. Okay, Sonny.
What do you say we talk later, all right?
Mr. Bunce Uncle Joe Mom.
How are you? Nice place you have here.
Sonny's cute, isn't he?
Cute?
Would you think so if he was annoying you?
Please, Mom, don't even think of it.
I can run as fast as Billie Jo.
I must say, Mrs. Bradley, I find your food
exceptional.
It's rich.
You might say it suits my taste.
Oh, I'm real glad you like it, Mrs. Watkins.
Real glad.
Well, Billie Jo, you've done it again.
Romance blooms at the Shady Rest.
Oh, lay off, will you?
You're right, Betty Jo, our big sister,
the blonde bombshell of the Shady Rest,
has added another gorgeous hunk of man
to her long list of admirers.
Oh, dry up.
Her tremendous animal magnetism
has attracted the attention of yon Adonis, Sonny Watkins.
Knock it off, will ya!
Do you think that someday
Sonny and Billie
I'm going to count to three
and then I'm going to see if I still feel like
becoming an only child.
One two three!
Hi, Billie Jo.
There you are.
What's new?
I'll tell you what's new.
I dig you.
You're wild, baby, wild.
You're so right.
That's what I am, wild.
Wild, wild, wild, wild.
Here I go again, wild
Slow down, will ya?!
Hey, wait up, will ya?!
Good boy, the exercise will do wonders for you.
♪
Oh, Mrs. Watkins, your mattress is fresh turned
and we hung up the rest of your things.
Come, my pets,
I have the most glorious news for you.
Well, yes, Mrs. Watkins, what is it?
Oh, I'm so glad I brought Sonny here
to this earthy environment.
It's beginning to bring him to his senses.
Now, my Sonny is the last of the Watkins line.
The Watkins strain has always been fragile.
And now Sonny is the last beauty leaf on the family tree.
Oh, I know I have my work cut out for me.
I have got to work to build him in body, mind and spirit,
to perpetuate the Watkins lineage
so that eventually he can assume the leadership
of the Watkins dynasty
after I've relinquished it, of course.
I hope and trust that won't be
for a long time, Mrs. Watkins.
You can hope and trust
and bet your municipal bonds it'll be a long time.
Now now for the thrilling news:
my Sonny has fallen in love with your Billie Jo.
Begging your pardon, Mrs. Watkins, but
that doesn't startle us when
a young man falls for Billie Jo.
Yeah, she averages about one a week.
Two in the summer, when school's out.
But she has never had a Watkins fall in love with her.
No, I can't say that she has.
Now, my dear, you're coming to your senses.
Mrs. Watkins, Sonny is a very nice boy, but, uh
Mrs. Bradley, your daughter
Billie Jo has the bone structure
and the figure of a peasant.
Now just a minute.
Oh, it's a lovely figure, my dear
Strong, durable, and incredibly healthy.
Oh, she is the perfect creature to rebuild
the Watkins family tree.
Why, she could produce a flock of Watkins children
with thicker bones and thicker blood.
Money.
Yeah, well
Mrs. Watkins, we are going to have to settle
something right here and now.
Oh, no, my dear.
Settlements come after the wedding,
not before.
No, Mrs. Watkins, they come now.
You see, I know my daughter Billie Jo,
and how she acts around boys.
And I know what she thinks about Sonny.
Oh, they could they could be friends
good friends, but I'm sure that
marriage is out of the question.
Mrs. Bradley, no one,
but no one, rejects a Watkins
in business or marriage
and retains a relationship with us.
Sonny and I are checking out of this antisocial,
anti-financial, penny-ante environment immediately.
But, uh but, but, but, we-we
Well, Uncle Joe, what next?
I'll tell you what next.
I'm going to sneak Mrs. Watkins and Sonny out of the room.
I'm gonna check 'em out real quiet
and then I'm going to tell Mr. Bunce
they left raving about the place.
I don't think you'll get away with it.
Neither do I.
Oh, wait, Mr. Bunce.
Can't you take a joke?
But wait, I was only joking, old buddy.
Kate, you know there ain't really nothing wrong
with marrying for money.
Especially if it's the difference
between saving a hotel.
Uncle Joe, what are you saying?!
Well, what I'm saying is that, uh
love and money go hand in hand,
especially if you need it.
Even to save the hotel,
how could you think of Billie Jo marrying that boy?
I ain't talking about that sweet child
marrying that creepy kid.
What I'm talking about is
sweet old me marrying his creepy mother.
Just what is Uncle Joe up to, Mom?
Yeah. He took the longest bath he's ever taken.
He's wearing his best clothes
and smells like he drenched himself
with a gallon of lilac Vegetal.
Uncle Joe isn't really serious about
romancing Mrs. Watkins, is he, Mom?
He better not be.
If Uncle Joe married Mrs. Watkins,
it'd sure cut down on his life expectancy.
Oh, Joseph, you're cute.
Well, having you visit with us makes me feel cute.
When you're all dressed up,
you're quite a figure of a man.
Thanks, Clara.
I might say the same for you.
Uh, I-I mean quite the figure of a woman, that is.
You you romantic rascal.
You're the type that can turn a girl's head.
That's another great thing about you, Clara
Your youthful attitude.
Oh, one is as young as one feels.
I feel as young as the day I graduated from high school.
In fact, I even have the same measurements.
48-48-48.
Tremendous, Clara, that's tremendous.
Like money in the bank.
Oh, that was divine, my dear, just divine.
Shall we try a foxtrot this time, my dear?
Oh, that's a capital ideal, my pet.
Mom, Mom, have you heard?
Did Uncle Joe tell you?
What is it? What about Uncle Joe?
Mr. Bunce said that Uncle Joe proposed
to Mrs. Watkins last night, and she accepted.
What?! What?! Oh, no!
That man
that noble, foolish, overaged flirt.
He's got it in his head that the only way to save us
and the hotel is to marry that husband-hunting man-eater.
Mom, we can't let him do that.
I know.
Mrs. Watkins would do nothing
but have Uncle Joe out working
hard to make more money for her.
Poor Uncle Joe.
He's not used to work.
It'd kill him.
It would probably be the shortest marriage
in Mrs. Watkin's career.
I'm going to put a stop to it, and right now.
Uncle Joe, you are not going to marry that woman.
What do you think of this tie, Kate?
Okay for a wedding?
Uncle Joe, would you please listen to me?
Oh, that's too somber.
More for a funeral.
Well, if you're going through with this wedding,
that's the one to wear.
Kate, who knows what the future holds in store for us.
Tis a far, far better thing I do now
than I've ever done before.
Will you stop reciting lines from old Ronald Colman movies
and come to your senses.
I think I'll wear this one.
Not that one, you won't.
Or any other if I can help it.
So you see, Mrs. Watkins,
with Uncle Joe so set in his ways,
and grumpy and cranky and so downright unwilling
to do a lick of work,
it'd be a shame to marry a man like that.
I appreciate your candor, my dear,
but I'm looking forward to this marriage with Joseph.
He's a challenge to me.
Perhaps my greatest.
Up to now, I've only had one real challenge,
and that was during my first marriage.
Uncle Joe reminds you of your first husband?
No. My first husband was no challenge at all.
Joseph reminds me of a bulldog
who was given to me as a wedding present.
Uncle Joe reminds you of a dog?
Yes. He was cute and determined and strong-willed,
just like Joseph.
You know, it took me the better part of four weeks
to break his spirit.
Oh, my.
After that, I could handle him easily
Just like I will Joseph.
Now don't worry, my dear.
I'm going to make something of him
if I have to run that adorable man right into the ground.
I see.
Well, that's real comforting news, Mrs. Watkins.
Real comforting.
I sure hope it works, Mom.
Well, it's got to work.
And I'm counting on three things to make it work
Floyd, Charley and Mrs. Watkins' greed.
Do you think Floyd and Charley can do it, Mom?
Well, if they can't,
I've wasted a basket of deep-fried chicken,
two mince pies and Uncle Joe's a goner.
Floyd, I told you to stay away from here.
I've got just as much right being here as you have.
There they are. Come on.
Now come on, Floyd, get out of here.
I will not.
You ain't beat my time.
What is it, boys? What's going on?
"I've come a-courti" Clara Watkins.
And when I come a-courtin' I wears my courtin' clothes.
Special design for romantic walks.
Charley ain't gettin' the best of me.
I wore my army uniform.
Sure thrilled them French mademoiselles
back there in 1918.
And for extra insurance,
I brought along my courtin' hair.
Oh, well, you look elegant,
real elegant, both of you.
But, uh, I got unpleasant news for you.
Mrs. Watkins is engaged to Uncle Joe.
Of all the dang-dratted infernal luck.
The most enticing woman I ever laid my eyes on
snatched right out from under my nose.
And right out from under my courtin' hair.
Yes, I-I-I know how disappointed you must be.
If you think we're disappointed,
wait till you see the hangdog look on the faces
of them salesmen that spotted her on the train.
They was a-figurin' she was available for dating.
As soon as they got through with their sellin'.
Well, I reckon the most we can hope for
is to dance with her at the wedding.
Good-bye, Kate, and good-bye romance.
Well WATKINS: Just a moment.
Excuse me, everybody.
I couldn't help overhearing at teeny-weeny bit
of your conversation.
And I just didn't want you boys to leave
with an erroneous impression.
Mrs. Watkins, are you saying that you're not
engaged to Uncle Joe?
Well
Is that what you're saying, pretty lady?
Are you saying there's a chance for us?
Please say there is.
You're darn-tootin'.
And those salesmen, too.
Oh, what I mean is,
I've been thinking it over,
and I think I'm too young to tie myself down right now.
I think I should stay loose, so to speak
and have my fling.
Why, Clara, what are you saying?
You can't back out now.
You'll break my heart This hotel, everything.
Oh, Joseph, I'm sorry.
I've reconsidered, and the answer is no.
I was caught up in a mad whirl
of heady country air, and I
made a wild, impulsive decision.
Forgive me.
Listen, Clara,
even though we ain't gettin' hitched,
could you see your way clear to make me a little loan?
Why, Joseph? What's the problem?
Well, it's quite simple, Mrs. Watkins.
Without your patronage,
my bank will be forced to close down this hotel.
Oh?
What bank do you represent?
The Pixley National Bank and Trust.
Do you know it?
Know it? I own it.
You, uh own it?
Young man, in these parts,
any business with the word "bank" in it, I own.
Yes, yes. Yes, ma'am, Mrs. Watkins.
I, uh I should have known.
If you ever dreamt of extending a loan,
you will extend it to this hotel.
I wouldn't let this little playground close down
for a million dollars.
Yes, ma'am. Of course, Mrs. Watkins.
Mrs. Watkins, what can I say?
How can I thank you?
Just say you're going to have
a little dancing here tonight.
And invite those salesmen I heard about.
That will be adequate.
See you tonight, Clara.
It'll be every man for himself.
Now you're talking.
I'll see you tonight.
It's time for my little beauty nap.
How wonderful it can be ♪
Well, girls, we just saw Mom solve one mighty big problem
with one dandy little idea.
She's really something.
But tell me, Billie Jo, what are you going to do
about your big, hot, sizzling romance with Sonny?
You're going to need an awful big idea to solve that one.
Didn't I tell you? I solved it.
Sonny.
Sonny.
There she is.
Your sister explained that you're more my type
and I agree.
Wait a minute, Sonny We share the same interests.
Astrology, stamp collecting, Wiener schnitzel.
Astrology, stamp collecting, Wiener schnitzel?
Oh, Bobbie Billie Jo, you
Wait a minute. Back, fella, back.
Now, listen, we'll talk about it later.
See you around, huh?
I really think you're a nice guy, but later.
Oh, for crying out loud, where you going?
To get my track shoes.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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