My Three Sons (1960) s01e31 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(humming)
Hi, Bub.
Sorry, Don't have time for breakfast.
Big Yearbook staff meeting at school.
I'm committee chairman.
What? Hey, Mike, wait up!
Where are you going?
I'm gonna line the brakes on Fizzy's car.
Well, just a minute.
Try that again, and a little bit slower.
See, Bub, we're gonna reline the brakes on Fizzy's car.
(horn honking) I'm coming, Mike!
Didn't you do that last weekend?
(mumbling)
What?!
I said, "Practice makes perfect."
(rapid mumbling)
Say that again.
(mumbles) time.
What?
I don't have time.
Oh
Now, what did you say the first time? Slowly!
Can I have my own place in the refrigerator
for something special?
For what?
For Malcolm.
What's that?
That's Malcolm. He's a bullfrog.
I'm gonna take him to school on Monday for show-and-tell.
Get that off there.
See, if I put him in the refrigerator,
maybe he'd think it's winter
and he'd hibernate until Monday.
Oh, no, you don't.
Not in my refrigerator.
Aw, Bub, come on.
“Aw, Bub, come on "".
Put him outside.
What's your hurry?
You haven't eaten your breakfast yet.
We're going on an all-day hike.
Well, supper's at 6:00.
Okay, so long.
Good morning, Dad. 'Bye!
Good-bye, Chip. Good morning, Bub.
I suppose you're going some place in a big hurry, too.
Hmm? Would you slow down?
I can't understand what anybody's saying around here.
I suppose you're taking off like a big bird also. Oh.
Yes, as a matter of fact I'm late for an appointment
with a guy from Washington already.
(croaks)
Washington?
Which one the state, the capital or the president?
(gibberish)
Yeah.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
The trouble around here is they're talking at 78
and I'm going at 33 1/3.
These young guys, they don't talk to you, they talk at you.
(perking)
Well, come on O'Casey and quit complaining.
This is the first time
you've had the whole place to yourself since yesterday.
(perking)
(yawns)
(humming)
(loud croak)
(croak)
Well, what do you think you're doing here?
Go on, now get, out of here, wart-spreader.
Go on, scram.
Come on, get out.
Shoo.
Shoo.
A-shoo.
(humming tune)
(frog croaks)
(croaks)
Well, you don't like artistry, huh?
(croaks)
Don't sit there bug-eyed looking at me, then.
Go on, get out. I'll brush you.
Get No, I don't want you in
Get out of here.
Get out of here. Whoa, whoa.
Listen, don't get me mad at you now
or I'll have you for lunch.
Get out of here, will you? Don't
Come come on, get out of here, frog.
Come on. Don't Don't
Come on, you exasperating reptile.
No. No, don't go Don't Ohh
Now look what you've done.
(croaks)
I told you not to jump in there.
Now, come on, get out of there.
Come here.
(croaks)
You aggravating croaker, will you come here?
Well, all right. All right.
Suit yourself.
Stay right there and
cook yourself for lunch.
Maybe you'd like that better.
(croaks)
Well That's using the old bean.
Up you go.
Fair enough Let's go.
Come on now.
Get outta here.
I got work to do.
(croaks)
Adios.
(door shuts)
And stay out!
(door shuts)
(humming)
(croaks)
(croaking)
Now, how did you get back in here?
I thought I told you to
(croaking)
Oh, now, now, you can talk plainer than that.
Now, come up here and have a chat with me.
Now, sit down, there, now.
Now, I suppose you're gonna tell
me you're a prince or something.
Huh?
(croaking)
Well, maybe you were. Who knows?
You know, you remind me a little bit
of an old uncle of mine.
O'Brian O'Casey was his name,
and what a reptile he was.
He swore to us that he was with St. Patrick
on the day St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.
(croaks)
(croaking)
Ahh Look at you.
(chuckles)
Yeah, get in there. Get in.
Huh?
Well, that's six.
Or is it seven?
Well, he can have one with his coffee.
(chuckles)
Well, Malcolm
here I come with a dinner fit for a king.
(muttering)
There we are.
Here we come now.
(grunts)
(croaks)
Oh, oh, oh, there they go.
Tell me something, Malcolm.
How'd you get so fat without me?
Now, listen all I can do is serve 'em to you.
You gotta catch 'em yourself.
(croaks)
How do you like this?
Here I am sitting here hand-feeding a frog live flies.
What's the matter, you stuck down there?
Are you stuck?
(croaking) Oh.
Too bad you can't play pinochle.
If you were a dog, I could teach you
to sit up, and roll over and
But, no, a worthless, good-for-nothing,
old frog I get tangled up with.
I can't sit around here all afternoon
talking to a dumb old frog, Malcolm.
(croaks)
Well, what do you know?
(chuckles)
There you are Malcolm!
(croaks)
How about that.
Malcolm!
(croaks)
Well, you think you're pretty smart, don't you?
(croaks)
I guess you are pretty smart.
There you are. Now Mal
com! (Croaks)
Well! Malcolm, you're all right.
Yes, sir, you are, and just for that
we're gonna snag you some dinner.
(croaks)
You bet I am, old boy, yeah.
I'll try and get you a great big, fat fly
with purple wings.
You know, something that'll match that green back of yours.
And maybe tomorrow for lunch, we'll have crickets.
Yeah.
Crickets thermidor.
(chuckling)
Tomorrow night
what's the matter with some moths?
Moth souffle.
(chuckling)
(smacking lips)
Very appetizing they are, very appetizing,
and so light.
Very tasty.
Bub?
Robbie, w-what's the big idea
of sneaking up one me?
I wasn't sneaking up on you.
Are you all right?
What do you mean, am I all right, now?
Get in the kitchen and get ready for dinner.
Oh, uh, that's okay, Bub, I'll wait for you.
What are we having?
You'll find out soon enough.
Now get in the kitchen.
Come on, Bub, I'll help you.
What in the heck's the matter with you, Robbie?
Wash your hands now and get ready for dinner.
Bub, I'm not going in that kitchen without you.
Hey, Bub, come on. We're starving.
I-I'm coming in right now.
I'm Right now.
Robbie, will you stop following me!
(giggling)
(giggling)
Oh, come on. Let's go.
Now, don't bring those greasy paws in the kitchen.
(door shuts)
And change your shirt! Yeah.
(giggling)
What's cooking?
Shh!
(whispers): Flies.
Ask a civil question, get a stupid answer.
I'm not kidding you.
Bub is thinking of having flies for dinner.
Yeah.
An-and crickets for lunch.
Oh, boy.
You better stop relining Fizzy's brakes every Saturday.
Well, what are you looking at?
Oh nothing.
Well, hurry it up. We got a special treat
(croaks) (yelps)
(water running)
Oh. So?
So?
MIKE: Boy, you've got the wildest imagination.
Hi, Bub! What's for dinner?
Uh, er, an O'Casey special.
Oh, what's that?
Well, it's something I dreamed up on the fly.
Now, get outta there. Get outta there.
(clearing throat)
What's the matter with you?
Nothing. I just have a frog in my throat.
(clearing throat)
Mm-hmm.
Hey, what's in here?
Take your hands off there.
Go and tell your father dinner's ready.
Now get outta here.
(jaunty whistling)
There he goes!
Okay, Hawkeye.
You don't miss a thing, do you?
Now, just for that, you can take this out
and dump it in the backyard.
Darn kids.
A man has no privacy around this place at all.
Just be sure you dump it in the cage.
What cage?
The one I built for him this afternoon.
ROBBIE (quietly): String beans!
See? I told you they weren't flies.
Yeah, but-but why would he want
to dump string beans in the backyard?
Well In a cage.
Well That he built for them this afternoon.
Uh, Bub?
I thought I told you to dump that stuff outside.
Well, yeah, but
(chuckles): Well, Robbie was thinking
maybe you made a little mistake. I didn't say that.
Yeah, well, tell Robbie to stop
thinking and do what I told him.
Kitchen is no place for a thing like that.
STEVE: Well, here we come, starved as usual.
Your dad's here, so you can set that
on the back porch like I told you.
Now, what mouth-watering thrills
have we in store for us tonight, Bub?
BUB: Shut the door.
CHIP: O'Casey special. Oh, boy,
my favorite dish!
Well, I'll, uh
No, no, no grace first.
Oh, I'm so hungry I forgot. Whose turn is it?
Mine.
(lid clatters)
Well, that's a piping-hot dish, huh?
(lid clatters lightly)
(clattering stops)
(clatters loudly)
Come on, Chip, before everything gets cold.
Bub, uh, I I'm sure it's delicious,
but, as you said, we haven't said grace.
Come on, Chip.
(quietly): That's right, yes.
(echoing croak)
What was that?
Oh, uh (chuckles): Nothing, nothing.
CHIP: Our Father who art in Heaven,
thank you for this food and bless it to our use. Amen.
OTHERS: Amen.
(echoing croak)
(hiccups)
Oh.
Excuse me.
Huh. Boy, I'm so hungry I could just about eat anything.
(croaks)
Malcolm!
(excited chatter, croaking)
Chip, I told you to be careful with that frog.
I told you not to bring Malcolm into the kitchen, didn't I?
How did that frog get in that pot?
Robbie, you heard me tell you to leave it
on the porch, didn't you, and keep it there!
Mike, don't just stand there staring at me get
(Malcolm croaking)
Come on, you guys, it's late. We haven't got all day.
My chemistry book!
Oh.
Hey, I forgot my lunch.
Hey, come on, watch it, half pint.
I forgot my lunch!
Well, you'd forget your head if it wasn't
Gosh, me, too.
Will you watch it, Mike?
BUB: Hey, hey, you guys, wait a minute, hold it, will ya?
I'm sure I took it home.
(boys talking) Who takes chemistry?
Who takes chemistry! I do, but
Well, here, here take this.
(several talking at once)
Here's your lunch! Here!
Listen to me! Oh, oh, oh.
And here's your lunch. Oh, thanks, Bub.
You're welcome.
Hey, I got to get Malcolm!
BUB: Malcolm's in the cage.
Hurry up! Hurry, Chip!
Come on, Malcolm! I'll
He's gone!
Bub, Malcolm's gone!
MIKE: Malcolm?
(Mike croaks)
Malcolm? (Whistling)
Here, Malcolm.
Oh, come on, Malcolm.
Oh, brother, I sure hope nobody sees us.
Ooh, yeah. Gosh, we look like a bunch of goofs.
BUB (calls): Any luck out there?
Nope!
Well, keep looking!
(croaking)
(croaking)
Malcolm.
BUB (croaking): Oh! Oh!
Now, careful where you step, Chip.
Come on, Malcolm, will you?
It's chow time.
(both croaking)
(croaking nearby)
Jeepers, did you hear that?
Yeah.
(croaking)
(Robbie continues croaking)
(croaking)
(croaking)
(Robbie continues croaking)
(Bub croaks)
(croaks)
(Robbie continues croaking)
(croaking)
(croaks)
(Bub and Chip alternate croaking)
(Robbie and Bub croaking)
(Bub croaking)
(croaking)
(stops abruptly)
Jeepers, it's Robbie.
It's getting sort of late.
Um, um Come on, you guys better take off.
But I can't leave without Malcolm.
No luck out front. Forget about it, Chip,
I'll find you a dozen old frogs after school.
Malcolm was trained.
Come on, you guys. Well, if he's so great,
how come he's not in your hands right now?
You've been calling him all morning.
Go ahead, Chip I'll bring him over to school to you.
You sure? Malcolm's all I got for
show-and-tell. Hey, you know what?
Maybe he thought we were really
gonna serve him for dinner the other night.
It's ten minutes after 8:00
Now, will you get in the car?
(boys all talking at once)
Chip, will you get in this car? You know what?
He probably just didn't like the idea of being penned up.
Don't forget, show-and-tell's
right after Pledge of Allegiance.
My books!
(Bub croaking) Here's your books.
Where did you go?
(croaking) Here.
Don't knock yourself out looking for that thing.
He'll forget about Malcolm by tomorrow. Just never mind,
I'm too busy to worry about some dopey frog.
MIKE: Get in this car!
(Bub mumbling)
If he wants to get himself lost, that's his business.
Malcolm!
Now, where could he be?
Malcolm, you better get yourself over here!
I'll be darned if I'm gonna spend my whole day
out here in the backyard yelling for a stupid frog!
Malcolm!
You hear me?
This is your last chance.
Malcolm!
You'll find out.
Some big animal will come along and
well, you know what I mean, Malcolm.
Malcolm?
Please? Please?
Please?
What's the matter with me?
I'm I'm nearly as stupid as this frog.
Here I am standing out here with a strainer in one hand
and a paper bag in another and a jar full of flies
hollering for Malcolm!
And we all finally decided to have a picnic here,
and it was pretty hot and
(kids greeting Bub) Oh, hello, Mr. O'Casey.
Hi, everybody. How are you?
Hello, Dorine. Hi there.
Jeepers, I thought you were never gonna get here.
Don't let me interrupt I'm just gonna
sit down and visit a minute.
Thank you.
Chip's turn's next, Mr. O'Casey.
Dorine is just telling us about an exciting picnic
she and her family had last Sunday.
Go on, Dorine.
Well
we all finally decided to have our picnic here,
and it was pretty hot, and
and this is a baseball field.
Mm-hmm.
Here here's the sun.
Here's a tree.
And there's some potato chips.
And what does that interesting brown circle represent?
Um that's where daddy
set his coffee cup down this morning.
TEACHER: Thank you very much, Dorine.
And now Chip has asked to be
our show-and-tell person for today
because he has a surprise for us.
Chip, why don't you come up front
and tell us about it. Okay.
Come on, Bub, let's go.
Boy, wait till you see what I got.
Now, kids, here's the deal.
Now, first, you must all close your eyes.
Close yours, too, Dorine.
You, too.
Chip and I have been training an animal over the weekend.
Now, here's the game.
I'll describe him to you,
and you try to guess what he is.
This animal has very strong back legs,
and his front legs are very short.
A dinosaur?
Oh, no, I'm sure it's much smaller.
(chuckles): Well, I'll say.
And it can jump, too.
A kangaroo?
No. How could you get a kangaroo in a paper bag?
Uh, this animal lives in the water, and
he can also get around a little on the land.
A turtle?
No, but you're getting warm.
It starts out as a tadpole.
I know!
A frog!
Right. You're right!
Can we see it? Can we see it?
(kids continue shouting)
Hey, come on!
Yep, Chip and I caught ourselves a frog over the weekend.
Did he give you any warts?
Oh, frogs don't give warts.
Why, this frog is nice and gentle.
Makes a fine pet.
Why, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
What do frogs eat, Mr. O'Casey?
Flies.
So Chip named our frog, uh, Malcolm.
Yeah. He blinks when I tell him to,
and he jumps in my hands when I call him.
Open the bag, Bub, and show them.
In fact, he turned out to be smarter than us.
We were dumb enough to put him in a cage,
and he was smart enough to jump out.
Open the bag, Bub.
Here, you open it, Chip.
He knew it wasn't any zoo
where somebody'd take care of him all the time.
Jeepers, it's just my clunky old lunch.
Couldn't you find him?
No, I didn't, Chip.
And I felt real bad about it.
Till I got to figuring, uh,
just how I'd feel if somebody had locked me in a cage
just because they wanted to see me jump around
and blink my eyes.
It might be all right for them, but
what about me?
When am I gonna see my grandson?
My son-in-law?
How am I gonna play pinochle and watch television?
So then I got to figuring that maybe
Malcolm would feel the same way about it.
Jeepers, I'm sure gonna miss him.
Well, people and frogs are funny, Chip
Sometimes the only way to keep them is to let them go.
Well, maybe if we get rid of that old cage,
maybe he'll come back and visit us sometime.
Yeah, maybe he would.
(chuckles): Boy, he sure used to talk funny.
(chuckles): Yeah. Erp.
(kids croaking)
Ar, ar, er, er, er, er
(deep, guttural croaking)
(croaking grunts)
Er-reep!
(Bub and Chip croaking)
(croaking continues)
(kids' croaking fades out)
(croaking)