Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e31 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Goin' pretty good now.
Well, all the Cannonball asks fer is little wood.
What time is it?
Uh, somewhere around 1:00 or 1:30.
Not so sure since I had that 35-cents cleaning job
at the Hooterville Watch Shop.
Well, it don't matter.
Nothing pressing till the afternoon school run.
Why don't we pull on down to Morgan Creek
and get in a little fishin', huh?
I'd like to, Charley, but I can't. Why?
Well, I've been invited for tea
by the widow Sarah Lawrence.
At 1:00?
Ain't that a little early for tea?
I guess she just can't wait till 4:00 to see me.
Well, if you've gone so high society
that you'd rather drink tea
than go fishin', I reckon that's up to you.
I can't help it if I'm in demand.
Lately, you sure been a hot item with the widows.
I do seem to be entering a romantic period in my life.
Good thing a body don't have to depend on you
for permanent company.
I got Joe and Kate and the girls.
You can just fritter away your time any way you please.
We're getting pretty close to Sarah Lawrence's place.
Would you mind dropping me off?
I wouldn't mind a bit.
Don't spill any tea in your lap.
What are you gonna be doing?
Don't worry about me.
I'm going up to the Shady Rest
where a fellow can find some real company.
I'll pick you up on the school run.
I invest in a few dollars
in the building of beautiful Shady Rest Park
Joe, just the man I'm wanting to see.
Well, if it's a loan you want,
you're out of luck. I'm flat broke.
It ain't that at all.
I just came by Morgan Creek,
"and them trout is just a-beggi" to get caught.
How's about you and me accommodating a few of them?
Not today. I have to finish my speech
for the Hooterville Chamber of Commerce.
You're making a speech? What about?
My speech is called.
"Ways to Financial Success and Security.
Through Sound Investments."
Can't you finish it tomorrow?
Tomorrow's the day I have to give the speech.
Sometimes I think Hooterville asks too much of me.
Oh, hi, Charley. Nice to see you.
Well, I'm glad somebody's glad to see me.
I was beginning to think
I was a one-man measle epidemic.
What?
Oh, nothing. Hmm.
Kate, I heard some real interesting gossip this morning.
Would you like to sit down and hear it?
Oh, Charley, I don't have time for sit-down gossiping.
This is my big cleaning day.
Kate you are the busiest, hardest-working woman lately.
You used to have time to sit down now and then and talk.
Well, you see, Charley,
nowadays with the girls growing
up and the hotel running down,
I'm busier and busier.
Yeah, I understand, Kate.
Hi, Billie Jo.
Hi, Charley.
You got a minute?
I got all the time in the world.
Great. Let's have a game of checkers, huh?
Well, I haven't got that much time.
Oh?
Charley, I'd love to play checkers with you, but I, uh
You got to go get ready for a date with your boyfriend.
That's not true. I've got a dancing lesson to go to.
Then you got a date with a boy.
How'd you guess?
Oh, Charley, if you really want me to,
I'll play checkers with you.
Oh, no, now you just go and dance up a storm.
I got to go anyway.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Time for the school run,
and I got to go pick up my sidekick,
otherwise known as your sister Betty.
There's nothing I enjoy more
than talking to you and running the Cannonball.
Oh, it's nice when people have something in common.
I feel the same way, Charley.
Why you and the Cannonball
are just about the two best friends I've got.
I'm sure glad you feel that way.
Say, would you like to blow the whistle?
Why? We're way past Dead Man's Curve.
There's no reason to blow it here.
Go on, blow it anyway.
Betty Jo, I got great idea.
What is it, Charley?
What do you say
we give the ol' Cannonball a real going over today?
Well, gee, Charley, I
She's in a pitiful state of disrepair.
Isn't she always?
Well, sure, but right now, she's at her disrepairiest.
I think she's got some mud in her belly again.
Oh, poor ol' Cannonball.
I'll tell you what.
When we get up to the Shady Rest,
you get into some jeans and we'll wash her out together.
I'd love to, but
We'll clean the grate and the ash pan at the same time.
We ain't done that together in quite a spell.
I know, but you see
Slow her down, Betty Jo.
We're coming into the Shady Rest for a whole afternoon
of real interesting work.
Slow her down, Betty Jo.
I can't.
Sure you can.
Just adjust the pickle fork hinge
and pull back on the brake lever same as always.
No, I mean, I can't
I'll explain when we stop, Charley.
Come on, Betty Jo, let's you and me get to working
on this little ol' Cannonball.
Let's hop to it!
Charley, I've been trying
Hey, look who's here.
Hooterville's hot-rod Romeo.
Hi, Betty Jo.
Orville, it's you.
Of course it's me. Who else would it be?
Charley, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
I'm spending the afternoon with Orville.
Yeah, we have the whole week planned.
Haven't we, Betty Jo?
Well, come on. Let's go.
Charley, I'd love to help you, but I can't.
You understand. See you tomorrow, Charley.
That done it!
Oh, careful, Charley. That hat cost 89 cents.
I won't be needing the darn thing anymore.
I'm through running the Cannonball!
Oh, come on, Charley. Stop kiddin' around.
I've finally come to my senses.
There's nobody around here got any time for me.
And I'm not spending the rest of my days
sitting up there in that engine
being lonely and miserable.
Charley, you got to be kidding.
You just gotta.
You'll find out if I'm kidding.
I'm quitting the Cannonball forever!
And you can just get yourself a new engineer!
Charley, I-I wouldn't try to talk you out of anything
except what would make you unhappy.
I just know you wouldn't like it
out there in the big city by yourself.
Oh, the heck I wouldn't,
with all them big fancy movie theaters
and all them big-league baseball games.
Charley, you've been hurt and you're trying to hit back.
But the only one that's gonna get hit is yourself.
What do you mean?
Well, this is your life.
You need your old friends and they need you.
My old friends has been a-needing
me like the walking pneumonia.
They all think I'm old and useless.
That's what they all think.
Everybody does not think that.
Well, maybe not everybody, but most everybody.
Now, Charley, you got to come to your senses.
It's no use, Kate, my mind is made up.
I've arranged for my replacement
and as soon as I get him broke in,
I'm off to Broadway.
Broadway?
But that's in New York.
Well, if that's where it is, that's where I'm a-going.
I'll send you a postcard.
You did just what I thought you would blew it.
Takes a man to talk to another man
about a man's problems.
Well, what do you mean?
I mean it's time I stepped in
with my reasoning and straightened Charley out.
Oh, Uncle Joe, please.
When it comes to who should handle
a delicate situation,
experience has taught me which one of us it ought to be.
Right, and you stay out of it
and leave it to me.
Charley, how long me and you been friends?
Well, not counting the times we weren't talking
after you cheated me in checkers, I'd say 40-odd years.
Exactly.
And you know I'm honest as the day is long.
Sure, but let's not make this daylong, okay?
Charley, now a man's gotta be practical.
Some of us, like me, has got a lot of talent.
We can do anything.
We got the spirit of youth.
Well, sonny, is that a fact?
Sure. Others, like you, old buddy,
get to aging up before your time.
Just call me "Pruneface."
So take a tip from an old friend.
When you got an easy touch like running the Cannonball,
hang onto it.
Without it, you're dead.
Are you just about done talking?
Just about.
Well, then you listen to me.
I'm still young, strong and useful.
And I can get along anyplace in the world
France, China, Cincinnati, anyplace.
Oh, Ma, Orville and I just had the most wonderful walk
in the moonlight.
Mm. Oh, was the moon out tonight?
Of course it was, silly.
It was big and round and bright.
I guess that's why we weren't stumbling.
Orville, how would you like to go in
and sit on the sofa and talk?
I've got a better idea.
Well, what, Orville, what?
Why don't we stay in here and have a piece of that pie?
Orville, if all you're interested in is pie,
you don't need me. Good night.
Wonder what's the matter with her?
If you don't know, there's no way of telling you.
Well, I guess I better be going.
I guess so, Orv.
Here, Orville, take this with you.
Eating pie in the moonlight is dynamite.
Thanks a lot.
Well, good night, Mr. Carson, Mrs. Bradley.
Good night, Orville.
Hmm? You know that boy worries me.
Why?
He's so romantic,
I'm afraid he's gonna sweep Betty off her feet,
drag her to the altar.
I'd rather have Orville a little too slow
then a little too fast.
Think of our problem if he was serious
about marrying Betty Jo.
I hate to think about it.
Me, too.
Supposin' that was our problem.
Maybe that'd be a way of keeping Charley here.
What are you talking about?
Well, since your talk with him
didn't work out so well, I was
Now don't be like that, Kate.
Every man's entitled to one mistake in judgment
in a lifetime.
Oh, certainly, Uncle Joe.
Charley made his when he didn't listen to me.
Oh, boy.
But maybe we can bring Charley around
by tempting him with a new job.
What are you talking bout?
Charley can't do nothing but run a train.
Oh, yes, he can.
Besides running the Cannonball,
he likes to give advice best.
I am about to have a little talk with Mr. Charles Pratt,
marriage counselor.
Gosh, Kate, I never realized that things
was so serious between Betty Jo and Orville.
Charley, I tell you, that boy's so all-fired up
you don't know what he's apt to do next.
That's right. Why, any day now,
he's liable to drag my poor baby sister off
to the justice of the peace.
Gosh, Kate, I wish I could help you.
Oh, you can help, Charley.
That's why I'm appealing to you.
You know, you've been just like a father to Betty Jo.
Well, you want me to talk to Betty Jo?
Oh, no. She's too far gone.
Our only hope is for you to convince Orville
that he should think twice
before rushing into this mad marriage.
Well, Kate, I sure would love to help you,
but I'm due to leave town soon.
As a matter of fact, I'm picking
up my replacement tomorrow.
Well, Charley, if you could
talk to the boy before you left,
I'd be real indebted to you.
Okay, as a parting gesture to you, Kate,
I'll do it.
I haven't got much time,
but I'll talk some sense into that boy's head.
Oh, thank you, Charley.
Oh, my, it's nice to have someone to depend on
in a time of need.
Thanks, Charley. Thanks so much.
Oh, don't mention it.
Bye, y'all.
Bye, Charley. Bye.
I didn't think he'd swallow it.
Orville's no more thinking of marrying Betty Jo
than I'm thinking of marrying Floyd.
You know it, and I know it, but Charley doesn't know it.
Making up a little human problem for him to solve,
might be just the way of keeping him here.
Orville, you ought to realize that
getting married is a big step.
I realize that.
Yes, sir. The biggest step you'll ever take.
Oh, it's a big step all right.
It's a step that before you take that step,
you oughta watch your step. See what I mean?
I guess.
Now, it's not that Betty Jo isn't a fine girl
Aw, she's tops.
She's tops, all right, but, Orville, she's a little young.
Yeah, but she's bound to get older.
Yeah, she's gonna get older and you're gonna get older.
Both of you are gonna get a little older,
and that's the time to do it.
Do what?
What do you think we've been talking about?
Time to get married.
But, Mis-Mister Pratt,
I'm not thinking of getting married.
You're not?
You never was.
Was you?
It never entered my head.
I get it.
You're Kate's brain child.
No, I'm Amanda's boy.
I belong to my mother.
Orville, Kate figured that if I gave you some advice,
it'd make me feel important and useful
and I wouldn't want to leave.
She did?
But it won't work!
I'm old and useless and I know it!
We're coming into Hooterville
and I'll pick up my replacement here.
Mr. Pratt?
Tuttle?
Yes, sir. Well, when do you want to start
breaking me in to replace you, sir?
The sooner the better. Get aboard, son.
Oh, thank you.
♪
Doing real good, Mr. Tuttle.
That's right.
You're soloing like a veteran engineer.
Thanks, but I wish you could see me
running a top-rate engine.
How old did you say this wagon is?
Oh 75 years.
It's amazing.
What is?
It's amazing that it still holds together.
She's old and rusty, but she's got tradition.
Better blow the whistle, Mr. Tuttle.
Why? There's no crossing.
Charley always blows it along here,
to remind Fred Ziffel it's time to feed his pigs.
Oh! Oh, now, look. I'm running the Cannonball now
and it's gonna be run like a train, not an alarm clock.
Start slowing down.
There's no stop here.
There is today.
Maude Whipple is visiting her sister in Clint City,
and Charley told her we was gonna stop and milk her cow.
We're 33 minutes behind schedule,
and you expect me to stop to milk a cow?
Well, you better forget it
because we've gotta pick up time.
What for?
You don't want Maude Whipple to come home
and find her cow all swolled up, do you?
Do you, Mr. Tuttle?
Look, I don't know from cows.
Nor people either, I'm thinking.
There he is, Orville.
You can thank him for yourself.
Oh, Mr. Pratt.
Hi, Orville. What's up?
Well, I just want to thank you for what you've done for me.
You really helped straighten me out.
Kate, you didn't have me fooled very long
about Orville and Betty Jo getting married.
Oh, 'course not, Charley, but that's not what
he wants to talk to you about. Tell him, Orville.
Well, sir, just hanging around you for a while
has got me to thinking.
Eventually, I'd like to become an engineer, just like you.
Kate, it won't work.
I'm quitting, and that's that.
Are you saying that I put him up to that?
Oh, Kate, why don't you just mark it down as a nice try?
Now, listen here, Charles P. Pratt.
And I think I know what the "P" stands for
"Pigheaded."
Does not. It stands for "Palmquist."
That's an old family name.
I don't care what it stands for,
but I'm not gonna stand for you
belittling a boy who tried to pay you
a sincere, honest compliment right from his heart.
Now, just a darn second, Kate.
Just a darn second yourself.
You are walking out on people
who love you and need you and depend on you.
Well, if that's the case, I ain't had no evidence of it.
Of course not. Folks around here
don't go around telling each other
they like each other or need each other.
They just do, and that's that.
Watch it, Kate. You'll get him riled up.
He won't even send us a postcard from where he's going.
I am just trying to stop Mr. Pratt
from stomping on people's feelings.
Before he leaves.
Especially this honest, sincere
boy and you stay out of this.
Yeah, stay out of this.
Go ahead, go ahead. Do what you like to us,
but don't make us sorry we ever loved you.
Ma! The whole valley's up in arms.
It's terrible.
What's the matter?
Everything.
Fred Ziffel's pigs are starving.
Maude Whipple's cow's been mooing its head off
for a friendly pair of hands.
Burston Treadwell's chickens have been doing
a lot of cackling and no laying
because the Cannonball keeps going by his farm so fast.
Everyone in this valley's so confused
they don't know what to do
because the Cannonball's been keeping to schedule,
and it's all your fault, Charley.
I'm warning you, everybody.
Not even a postcard. You watch.
Howdy, everybody.
Howdy, quitter. Oh. I mean, Charley.
What's going on?
What's all the noise?
Nothing, Billie Jo.
We're just giving Charley a nice, friendly send-off.
Don't let it get to you, Charley, old boy.
Just leave quietly and pretend this never happened.
For goodness sakes, be quiet, Joe.
I haven't got so much attention
since 40 years ago when I fell in Emmy Hatton's punchbowl.
The Tuttle fellow'd like to see
you on the front porch, quitter.
Uh Charley.
Sorry, Charley.
Oh, it's okay, Floyd.
I may not be as smart as some of these other
furious people around here,
but that ain't saying that I ain't furious, too.
Well, thanks, Floyd.
Best I go talk to Tuttle.
Sure, Charley, why don't you do that.
He doesn't know you like we do.
He might fall all over you.
Anything wrong, Mr. Tuttle?
Oh, no, no.
I always walk around carrying a brake handle.
Ha-ha. It's kind of a fun thing to do.
Well, you shouldn't have taken the brake off.
It's real troublesome to get it back on.
It came off in my hand while
I was trying to stop that train.
A brake handle being kept in place by a pickle fork?!
Why, that's ridiculous.
It sure is.
They don't make pickle forks like they used to.
Do you know what I'm going to do, old-timer?
Quit? Is that what you're going to do?
You are gonna quit, ain't ya?
Oh, no, not on your life.
I'm going to stay right here,
and I'm going to whip this railroad into shape!
You are?
I mean, you are?
Bless you. Bless you.
I knew that if I kept trying out replacements,
I'd find at least one brave man left in railroading.
Brave? W-what do you mean, Mr. Pratt?
Outsiders don't understand men like you and me.
To us, the spirit of railroading
is everything in life. Right?
Well, I-I wouldn't quite say that.
Some folks thinks it's a hardship on engineers
to get up at all hours
be a farmhand, a midwife, a one-man fire department
Heaven knows what else.
We love it.
Don't we, Tuttle?
You mean they expect engineers to do all of those things?
Well, that's ridiculous.
Why don't you just tell them to get lost?
I ain't never said, "Get lost"
to the wrong end of a shotgun, Tuttle. Have you?
Now you're kidding me, Mr. Pratt.
People here have forced you
to do work at shotgun point?
Oh They just load it with rock salt.
Oh. A blast in the britches with that
will smart a little, but it sure
does wake you up effective.
Shotguns?
Rock salt?
And you think I'm gonna want to stay here?
You've got to, Tuttle.
You're railroading's only hope in these parts.
Oh, no.
Mine, too.
Doctor gave me the news last week.
I'm aging too fast.
I'm heading for that big roundhouse in the sky.
Oh
I had no idea, Mr. Pratt. I'm
Gee, I I'm terribly sorry.
Me, too.
Come next month, I would have celebrated my 34th birthday.
You're only 34 years old?
Not quite.
But don't pay me no never mind.
Keep up the traditions of railroading.
Carry on!
I-I'm sorry, but you better tell them to get somebody else
because I, I just couldn't do it.
I just couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it!
Hey! Come back!
Please! Come back!
Forget it!
Okay. I'll do just that.
How do you like that?
That Tuttle fellow just up and flat quit!
He did?
For no rhyme or reason.
Say, Charley, if you were to stay on,
it sure would please the folks in this valley.
You reckon?
If you'll stay, Charley,
I'll give you any name in my widow book.
Even Sarah Lawrence?
No. Anyone but Sarah Lawrence.
I might even pretend to let you win at checkers.
What do you say, Charley?
There's only one thing I can say.
Oh, Charley!
There's a train that runs through this wide valley ♪
That is loved by one and all ♪
It's the train that starts way up in Pixley ♪
Called the Hooterville Cannonball ♪
Though she makes her run through the dead of winter ♪
Through the summer, spring and fall ♪
Neither cold nor heat nor flood can stop her ♪
She's the Hooterville Cannonball. ♪
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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