My Three Sons (1960) s01e32 Episode Script
The Musician
1
(theme song plays)
(piano playing classical music)
(piano continues playing)
(piano continues playing)
♪♪
(thud)
♪♪
(playing complex runs)
(ends with dramatic flourish)
Gee, that was great.
Oh!
Hi.
You like Beethoven?
Oh, is that what you were playing?
One of his sonatas.
I didn't know he was that good.
I'm Elizabeth Martin.
Oh, I'm Douglie Robas.
I mean I mean my last name is Douglie.
I mean, my first name is Robas.
No, Rob Bob Bobert.
Oh, I have an uncle named Bob.
He's a wonderful person.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I like Bob, too.
But, uh, Elizabeth's a better name.
I mean for you, not for me.
Um, I haven't seen you around here before.
Oh, I use the hall to practice in once in a while.
The piano is old, but it has an excellent tone,
and I can play as loud as I want
without disturbing anybody.
Yeah, I like to do that, too.
Oh, here.
Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Um, in fact, I think I'll start practicing here more often.
You play the trumpet, Bob?
Oh, sort of.
Where do you got to school?
Glenmore.
I love the trumpet.
Oh, Glenmore.
That's the big school on the hill, isn't it?
That's right.
Which do you like to play,
popular or classical music?
Oh, I play one about as good as the other.
Except I prefer things like Beethoven.
Glenmore that's a girls' school, isn't it?
300 of us.
Maybe we could work on a duet together.
Hey, yeah.
And I can accompany you.
Oh, yeah maybe we could.
300 girls
Hey, it's too bad they don't take in boys, huh?
I I guess I better be going.
It's late.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Would you like a malt or something?
I promised I'd be home at 3:00.
Oh, well, you better go then.
Yeah.
Or a soda?
Well, I've got a better idea.
Why don't you come home with me.
Hey, yeah, sure, why not?
Sure.
Oh, bring your trumpet so we can start working on the duet.
We can?
Sure.
Well, okay.
I just hope you know the piano part to reveille.
(doorbell chimes)
Just a minute.
Up and down, up and down, up and down.
The doorbell never rings when you are near it.
Always the milkman or the gardener.
Oh, it's something all the time.
Oh, hello, Elizabeth. Hi. Sorry I forgot my key.
Oh, well This is Bob
MAID: The morning you remember them, then I will worry.
This is Bob Douglas.
Oh, hello.
ELIZABETH: Bob?
Bob?
Hello.
Hello Good afternoon.
Your mother's upstairs
looking for your father's dinner jacket.
I will tell her you're home.
You know how she is about these dinner parties.
Hey, is this that beat-up old barn
just outside of town?
Uh-huh, Mother painted it.
No kidding.
Gee, imagine hanging a picture of an old barn
inside a house like this.
Come on, I'll put my things away.
Oh, Lady, you sit there
with that innocent look on your face,
when you've been running around the house
all day, I bet. Huh?
Whoa.
Boy.
Man.
This is really nice.
Yes, it is until you have to clean it.
Oh, yeah.
Boy.
Just drop your books anywhere.
This is Lady.
No kidding.
I've never seen a dog like that before.
Don't let that name fool you.
Three seconds before we came in,
you can be sure she was on the sofa.
You'd think she'd never been told
to stay off the furniture.
We try to keep our dog off the furniture, too.
I guess all that happens is that he keeps us off.
You have a dog, too?
What kind is it?
Um I never noticed.
How long have you lived here, Elizabeth?
Oh, about a year.
Guess you must have a lot of friends, huh?
Well, a few. The ones at school.
All girls, huh?
Oh, yes.
Any boys?
When we give parties.
You give many parties?
Mm, some.
Oh.
Do you want to work on the duet now?
Oh, yeah Um
Why don't we just talk for a little while?
Oh, okay.
Let's sit down.
What would you like to talk about?
What are you taking in school?
The usual stuff science
literature, Latin.
Oh, I'm taking Latin, too.
Yeah?
You know, I can't figure out
why knowing how to say "farmer" in Latin
is going to help me get through life.
You better not let Caesar hear you say that.
Who?
Caesar he's sitting right beside you.
Oh!
So that's what the old boy looks like.
I wonder if he had as much trouble
with Latin as I'm having.
(chuckles): Uncle Bob gave it to Mom and Dad
as part of their wedding present.
Romantic, isn't it?
Romantic?
Here's the rest of his wedding present.
Uncle Bob found this coat of arms
in a little out-of-the-way book store in Paris.
He made the frame himself.
No kidding.
"Omnia Amor Vincit."
"All love he conquers."
"He conquers all love"?
"He loves to conquer all"?
How about "Love Conquers All"?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but I thought "love" was a verb.
You know, amo, amas, amat, am at is
Amamus.
Huh?
"We love."
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Amatis.
"You love."
Plural.
Yeah You know how to say it in French?
What?
"I love."
Sure. J'aime.
What?
J'aime.
Gem?
No. J'aime.
Juh em?
You have to sort of pucker your lips
Jeugh Jeugh?
Jeugh.
Jeugh?
I think the French have it all over the Latins.
I do, too.
Elizabeth?
Yes, Bob?
There's something I'd like to ask you.
What is it?
Do you go steady with anybody?
(chiming)
ELIZABETH: No.
(chiming)
Gosh.
Do you? (Chiming continues)
No.
Oh.
Amo, amas, amat.
(loud chime)
J'aime, tu aimes, Elle aime.
(loud chime)
(gentle melody playing)
(gentle melody playing)
(metallic clanking)
(metallic clanking, door closes)
(war whoops and gunfire on TV)
(metallic rattling, rhythmic thumping)
(rattling and thumping continues)
(rattling and thumping continues)
(strumming chords)
(TV playing, dog collar rattling, guitar playing)
Oh, now listen, Elizabeth,
he's been over to your house four nights in a row.
Why don't you come over here for a change?
Do you like steak and kidney pie?
Well, yes, very much, but
Well, I'm glad you do,
because that's exactly what we're having.
ROBBIE: Hey, Bub, I'm home.
Now just a second, Elizabeth, I think he just came in.
Somebody wants you on the phone Bob.
Elizabeth.
Brother, what'd you say to her?
Oh, nothing very much.
I just told her how messy you are in the bathroom
and how crummy you keep your own room.
And I did mention about the little birthmark
you got on your
Oh, my gosh, Bub, you didn't?!
You're right, I didn't, but it's a good idea.
Say, Elizabeth, I Tell her 6:30.6:30?
Okay, Bob, I'll be there.
You will? Where?
Oh, Mother's calling me.
Thanks so much for inviting me to dinner,
and I'm looking forward to meeting your family.
Oh.
But, Eliz I'll be right there.
Well, you can call me back later if you want,
and I'll see you tomorrow night. Bye-bye.
(whistling tune)
Bye.
Oh, boy, what a crummy deal.
Bub, we just can't invite
a girl like Elizabeth into this house.
Why not? She sounded like a nice, intelligent girl.
You don't need to be ashamed of her.
Oh, Bub, you're all mixed up.
It'd be like inviting Martha Washington
or one of those ladies, down
to a hamburger joint for dinner.
Are you kidding?
Who's all mixed up?
ROBBIE: Well, you know what I mean. Hey, everybody!
We did it!
We beat them!
Bryant 54, Plainview 52.
The last
What are you doing with my guitar?
It's not your guitar.
What do you mean?
Hey, look out!
You're gonna break all my rocks!
There, you see?
That's why I can't invite her here.
What's wrong with that?
You're usually in the middle
of a deal like that yourself.
MIKE: And listen to me.
If I ever catch you Hi, gang.
Playing around with this thing again,
I'm gonna break it over your head.
Dad, Bub says he's doing me a favor
(all shouting at once)
Dad, Dad, did you see what he did to Mike, Mike.
(all shouting)
Would you hold it down a minute?
Wh-What did you say?
I said Bub thought he was doing me a favor,
but what if they do this kind of thing tomorrow night?
You got to be on my side this time, Dad.
Tell them what I mean.
I still don't know what you're saying.
Bub invited Elizabeth Martin for dinner tomorrow night,
and Robbie's ashamed of us again.
Oh.
Well, gee, Dad, it'd be like Sir Lancelot
having to eat dinner at an army mess hall
with Lady Genevieve.
Guinevere.
What happened to Martha Washington?
Uh, she died.
Now, look, Robbie Dad, the Martin's house
is so quiet and refined, and they eat in the dining room,
and they have servants, and they play Beethoven,
and-and they talk in foreign languages and
Sometimes the language around here is pretty foreign, too.
I know a French poem. Well, never mind.
I learned it in the navy.
Bub.
What's the matter with that?
It's a foreign language.
Don't you see, Dad?
If Elizabeth ever comes here, I'll never see her again.
Now, look, Sir Lancelot, regardless of how you feel
about your home at the moment,
Lady Guinevere has been invited
to the Douglas mess hall for dinner tomorrow night.
Now, either you go through with the invitation,
or you better stop seeing her.
Stop seeing her?
Well, if this girl means that much to you,
it's about time you let her
see the kind of family you have.
And the sooner, the better.
Okay.
One of these days, when I'm a broken-down old bachelor
with just my bitter memories, remember you're the one
who invited Elizabeth here to dinner, not me.
Darned kid, he's more trouble than he's worth.
Try to do him a favor, and that's the thanks you get.
(piano playing somber classical music)
(silverware clinks)
Well You were gonna say something, Bub?
Sure.
I, uh, just wanted you to know
how, uh, sorry I am that your father had to work tonight.
Bub, you, uh, you already said that.
I'm sorry your father couldn't be here, too.
So am I.
Maybe he could show me what fork to use.
Just use the one you always use, Chip.
I used that one, but I still have two forks left over.
How about a little more steak and kidney pie, Elizabeth?
Oh, I'd love some, Mr. O'Casey.
Elizabeth, you don't have to be polite.
I mean it, it's delicious!
(classical music continues playing)
Do we have to listen to that crummy music?
That happens to be Beethoven.
(Tramp howling)
(howling)
You going someplace, young man?
Oh, no.
Sir.
(howling continues)
(Tramp howling louder)
What's that?
I don't hear anything.
That's our dog.
Your dog.
What do you mean, my dog?
He sleeps on your bed more than he does on mine.
Well, can't he come in?
He sounds very unhappy.
Uh, no, he isn't allowed
in the dining room while we're eating.
Is he, Chip?
No, 'cause we always eat in the kitchen.
(Tramp barking)
Chip, get him out of here!
(gasps)
CHIP: Boy! He's a smart dog.
I'm sorry. I'll get a sponge or something.
Oh, don't bother. It hardly touched me.
Whose dog do you suppose that is?
(Tramp barking)
I'll take care of it.
It's all right, it's just a little water.
It won't stain anything.
CHIP: Phew!
Tramp, you smell just like the Pearson's new lawn.
(Tramp barking)
Hey, Elizabeth, you know how many sacks of
BUB: Certainly was a nice day today, wasn't it, Elizabeth?
CHIP: What's wrong with that?
Look how many sacks of BUB: Chip!
Never mind.
Course, you never can tell
when one of those rain storms will come up.
(Tramp barking)
CHIP: Hey, Elizabeth, we used 40 sacks of
BUB: Chip, now, I've asked you nicely.
CHIP: But I was just gonna
BUB: Knock it off!
Oh, hi, Robbie. How's the party going?
Sorry I'm late, but things kind of piled up on me at the
Robbie?
Hey.
Hey, Bob, it's Dad.
(chuckles)
Are you there?
I don't think so.
What?
Part of me is here, and part of me is out there.
I'm kind of scattered all over the house.
Oh.
Here, uh sit down, hmm?
Come on, sit down.
Do you feel all right?
I don't feel anything.
Not happy, not sad.
Not here, not there.
Just kind of like the fumes of an exhaust pipe.
(sighs loudly)
I'm, uh, I'm not quite sure I know what you mean.
Part of me is trying to be the kind of guy
Elizabeth wants me to be.
And another part is trying to
be a good sport with the family
like you want me to be.
And the rest of me is just sitting here in the kitchen,
wondering what the other two parts are doing.
It's kind of funny.
I just can't describe it.
It's just (sighs loudly)
Well, I'd, uh, I'd say you were
doing a very good job of describing it.
Yeah.
Did you ever feel like there were two great big hairy hands
that were clutching at your windpipe?
Well, no, not lately.
(clears throat)
I can't breathe.
I can't talk.
Well, you're squeezing your throat.
Don't do that. Stop it.
I can't find any words.
Everything's just (sighs loudly)
Robbie, will you tell me
just what seems to be the problem?
Oh, there's no problem.
Except working all day and
I-I mean, Bub fixed the dinner,
and Mike and Chip cleaned the house all day,
and the record player all over the table
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute
I mean, I can't, Dad, because I just can't!
Look, hold it. I been working all day!
Hold her, hold her, hold her.
Now, let's take it easy.
I can't understand what you're saying.
(sighs) That's better.
Now, let's have another go at it.
Now, I think I vaguely heard
the word "dinner" in there someplace.
What about it?
Well Easy, now.
Well, Bub worked all day to fix a nice dinner.
Yeah.
And Mike, Chip and I cleaned the house
the cleanest it'll ever be. Mm-hmm.
And there was good music in the table
and the silvery flowers were all over the record player!
Take her easy, take her easy. Take it easy, Rob.
Well We had flowers all over the place
and-and silver on the table
and good music in the record player.
And you know what? What?
It couldn't have been a more messed up dinner party
if we'd tried to louse it up.
What about Elizabeth?
Is, uh, she still here?
No.
I don't think so.
I think she just went out with Beethoven.
Isn't she a little young
to be running around with a fellow that age?
I'm not laughing at you, Rob.
Oh, that's okay, Dad.
Go right ahead, I don't mind.
Look, you've got to keep your sense of humor.
(upbeat jazz music playing on piano)
How can you keep something when everything's lost?
All right, Robbie.
You stay out here and feel sorry for yourself.
Okay.
That does it.
I guess I'm gonna be a broken down old bachelor
before I even get out of high school.
(jazz music playing louder)
(band playing "When the Saints Go Marching In")
(music continues playing)
I thought you only went for
that long-haired stuff like Beethoven.
I like all kind of music.
I was just playing Beethoven to please you.
Oh, yeah?
Gosh, you could play "Chopsticks" on the harmonica
and I'd like it.
We could have hamburgers
in the kitchen and-and I'd like it.
STEVE: Rob uh, I mean, Bob.
It's your chorus.
MIKE: Yeah, come on, Bob.
It's your chorus.
Hmm?
Robbie.
(trumpet joins in)
(playing lively riff)
(barking)
(music continues playing)
(barking)
(music continues)
(barking)
(music fades)
(theme song plays)
(piano playing classical music)
(piano continues playing)
(piano continues playing)
♪♪
(thud)
♪♪
(playing complex runs)
(ends with dramatic flourish)
Gee, that was great.
Oh!
Hi.
You like Beethoven?
Oh, is that what you were playing?
One of his sonatas.
I didn't know he was that good.
I'm Elizabeth Martin.
Oh, I'm Douglie Robas.
I mean I mean my last name is Douglie.
I mean, my first name is Robas.
No, Rob Bob Bobert.
Oh, I have an uncle named Bob.
He's a wonderful person.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I like Bob, too.
But, uh, Elizabeth's a better name.
I mean for you, not for me.
Um, I haven't seen you around here before.
Oh, I use the hall to practice in once in a while.
The piano is old, but it has an excellent tone,
and I can play as loud as I want
without disturbing anybody.
Yeah, I like to do that, too.
Oh, here.
Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Um, in fact, I think I'll start practicing here more often.
You play the trumpet, Bob?
Oh, sort of.
Where do you got to school?
Glenmore.
I love the trumpet.
Oh, Glenmore.
That's the big school on the hill, isn't it?
That's right.
Which do you like to play,
popular or classical music?
Oh, I play one about as good as the other.
Except I prefer things like Beethoven.
Glenmore that's a girls' school, isn't it?
300 of us.
Maybe we could work on a duet together.
Hey, yeah.
And I can accompany you.
Oh, yeah maybe we could.
300 girls
Hey, it's too bad they don't take in boys, huh?
I I guess I better be going.
It's late.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Would you like a malt or something?
I promised I'd be home at 3:00.
Oh, well, you better go then.
Yeah.
Or a soda?
Well, I've got a better idea.
Why don't you come home with me.
Hey, yeah, sure, why not?
Sure.
Oh, bring your trumpet so we can start working on the duet.
We can?
Sure.
Well, okay.
I just hope you know the piano part to reveille.
(doorbell chimes)
Just a minute.
Up and down, up and down, up and down.
The doorbell never rings when you are near it.
Always the milkman or the gardener.
Oh, it's something all the time.
Oh, hello, Elizabeth. Hi. Sorry I forgot my key.
Oh, well This is Bob
MAID: The morning you remember them, then I will worry.
This is Bob Douglas.
Oh, hello.
ELIZABETH: Bob?
Bob?
Hello.
Hello Good afternoon.
Your mother's upstairs
looking for your father's dinner jacket.
I will tell her you're home.
You know how she is about these dinner parties.
Hey, is this that beat-up old barn
just outside of town?
Uh-huh, Mother painted it.
No kidding.
Gee, imagine hanging a picture of an old barn
inside a house like this.
Come on, I'll put my things away.
Oh, Lady, you sit there
with that innocent look on your face,
when you've been running around the house
all day, I bet. Huh?
Whoa.
Boy.
Man.
This is really nice.
Yes, it is until you have to clean it.
Oh, yeah.
Boy.
Just drop your books anywhere.
This is Lady.
No kidding.
I've never seen a dog like that before.
Don't let that name fool you.
Three seconds before we came in,
you can be sure she was on the sofa.
You'd think she'd never been told
to stay off the furniture.
We try to keep our dog off the furniture, too.
I guess all that happens is that he keeps us off.
You have a dog, too?
What kind is it?
Um I never noticed.
How long have you lived here, Elizabeth?
Oh, about a year.
Guess you must have a lot of friends, huh?
Well, a few. The ones at school.
All girls, huh?
Oh, yes.
Any boys?
When we give parties.
You give many parties?
Mm, some.
Oh.
Do you want to work on the duet now?
Oh, yeah Um
Why don't we just talk for a little while?
Oh, okay.
Let's sit down.
What would you like to talk about?
What are you taking in school?
The usual stuff science
literature, Latin.
Oh, I'm taking Latin, too.
Yeah?
You know, I can't figure out
why knowing how to say "farmer" in Latin
is going to help me get through life.
You better not let Caesar hear you say that.
Who?
Caesar he's sitting right beside you.
Oh!
So that's what the old boy looks like.
I wonder if he had as much trouble
with Latin as I'm having.
(chuckles): Uncle Bob gave it to Mom and Dad
as part of their wedding present.
Romantic, isn't it?
Romantic?
Here's the rest of his wedding present.
Uncle Bob found this coat of arms
in a little out-of-the-way book store in Paris.
He made the frame himself.
No kidding.
"Omnia Amor Vincit."
"All love he conquers."
"He conquers all love"?
"He loves to conquer all"?
How about "Love Conquers All"?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but I thought "love" was a verb.
You know, amo, amas, amat, am at is
Amamus.
Huh?
"We love."
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Amatis.
"You love."
Plural.
Yeah You know how to say it in French?
What?
"I love."
Sure. J'aime.
What?
J'aime.
Gem?
No. J'aime.
Juh em?
You have to sort of pucker your lips
Jeugh Jeugh?
Jeugh.
Jeugh?
I think the French have it all over the Latins.
I do, too.
Elizabeth?
Yes, Bob?
There's something I'd like to ask you.
What is it?
Do you go steady with anybody?
(chiming)
ELIZABETH: No.
(chiming)
Gosh.
Do you? (Chiming continues)
No.
Oh.
Amo, amas, amat.
(loud chime)
J'aime, tu aimes, Elle aime.
(loud chime)
(gentle melody playing)
(gentle melody playing)
(metallic clanking)
(metallic clanking, door closes)
(war whoops and gunfire on TV)
(metallic rattling, rhythmic thumping)
(rattling and thumping continues)
(rattling and thumping continues)
(strumming chords)
(TV playing, dog collar rattling, guitar playing)
Oh, now listen, Elizabeth,
he's been over to your house four nights in a row.
Why don't you come over here for a change?
Do you like steak and kidney pie?
Well, yes, very much, but
Well, I'm glad you do,
because that's exactly what we're having.
ROBBIE: Hey, Bub, I'm home.
Now just a second, Elizabeth, I think he just came in.
Somebody wants you on the phone Bob.
Elizabeth.
Brother, what'd you say to her?
Oh, nothing very much.
I just told her how messy you are in the bathroom
and how crummy you keep your own room.
And I did mention about the little birthmark
you got on your
Oh, my gosh, Bub, you didn't?!
You're right, I didn't, but it's a good idea.
Say, Elizabeth, I Tell her 6:30.6:30?
Okay, Bob, I'll be there.
You will? Where?
Oh, Mother's calling me.
Thanks so much for inviting me to dinner,
and I'm looking forward to meeting your family.
Oh.
But, Eliz I'll be right there.
Well, you can call me back later if you want,
and I'll see you tomorrow night. Bye-bye.
(whistling tune)
Bye.
Oh, boy, what a crummy deal.
Bub, we just can't invite
a girl like Elizabeth into this house.
Why not? She sounded like a nice, intelligent girl.
You don't need to be ashamed of her.
Oh, Bub, you're all mixed up.
It'd be like inviting Martha Washington
or one of those ladies, down
to a hamburger joint for dinner.
Are you kidding?
Who's all mixed up?
ROBBIE: Well, you know what I mean. Hey, everybody!
We did it!
We beat them!
Bryant 54, Plainview 52.
The last
What are you doing with my guitar?
It's not your guitar.
What do you mean?
Hey, look out!
You're gonna break all my rocks!
There, you see?
That's why I can't invite her here.
What's wrong with that?
You're usually in the middle
of a deal like that yourself.
MIKE: And listen to me.
If I ever catch you Hi, gang.
Playing around with this thing again,
I'm gonna break it over your head.
Dad, Bub says he's doing me a favor
(all shouting at once)
Dad, Dad, did you see what he did to Mike, Mike.
(all shouting)
Would you hold it down a minute?
Wh-What did you say?
I said Bub thought he was doing me a favor,
but what if they do this kind of thing tomorrow night?
You got to be on my side this time, Dad.
Tell them what I mean.
I still don't know what you're saying.
Bub invited Elizabeth Martin for dinner tomorrow night,
and Robbie's ashamed of us again.
Oh.
Well, gee, Dad, it'd be like Sir Lancelot
having to eat dinner at an army mess hall
with Lady Genevieve.
Guinevere.
What happened to Martha Washington?
Uh, she died.
Now, look, Robbie Dad, the Martin's house
is so quiet and refined, and they eat in the dining room,
and they have servants, and they play Beethoven,
and-and they talk in foreign languages and
Sometimes the language around here is pretty foreign, too.
I know a French poem. Well, never mind.
I learned it in the navy.
Bub.
What's the matter with that?
It's a foreign language.
Don't you see, Dad?
If Elizabeth ever comes here, I'll never see her again.
Now, look, Sir Lancelot, regardless of how you feel
about your home at the moment,
Lady Guinevere has been invited
to the Douglas mess hall for dinner tomorrow night.
Now, either you go through with the invitation,
or you better stop seeing her.
Stop seeing her?
Well, if this girl means that much to you,
it's about time you let her
see the kind of family you have.
And the sooner, the better.
Okay.
One of these days, when I'm a broken-down old bachelor
with just my bitter memories, remember you're the one
who invited Elizabeth here to dinner, not me.
Darned kid, he's more trouble than he's worth.
Try to do him a favor, and that's the thanks you get.
(piano playing somber classical music)
(silverware clinks)
Well You were gonna say something, Bub?
Sure.
I, uh, just wanted you to know
how, uh, sorry I am that your father had to work tonight.
Bub, you, uh, you already said that.
I'm sorry your father couldn't be here, too.
So am I.
Maybe he could show me what fork to use.
Just use the one you always use, Chip.
I used that one, but I still have two forks left over.
How about a little more steak and kidney pie, Elizabeth?
Oh, I'd love some, Mr. O'Casey.
Elizabeth, you don't have to be polite.
I mean it, it's delicious!
(classical music continues playing)
Do we have to listen to that crummy music?
That happens to be Beethoven.
(Tramp howling)
(howling)
You going someplace, young man?
Oh, no.
Sir.
(howling continues)
(Tramp howling louder)
What's that?
I don't hear anything.
That's our dog.
Your dog.
What do you mean, my dog?
He sleeps on your bed more than he does on mine.
Well, can't he come in?
He sounds very unhappy.
Uh, no, he isn't allowed
in the dining room while we're eating.
Is he, Chip?
No, 'cause we always eat in the kitchen.
(Tramp barking)
Chip, get him out of here!
(gasps)
CHIP: Boy! He's a smart dog.
I'm sorry. I'll get a sponge or something.
Oh, don't bother. It hardly touched me.
Whose dog do you suppose that is?
(Tramp barking)
I'll take care of it.
It's all right, it's just a little water.
It won't stain anything.
CHIP: Phew!
Tramp, you smell just like the Pearson's new lawn.
(Tramp barking)
Hey, Elizabeth, you know how many sacks of
BUB: Certainly was a nice day today, wasn't it, Elizabeth?
CHIP: What's wrong with that?
Look how many sacks of BUB: Chip!
Never mind.
Course, you never can tell
when one of those rain storms will come up.
(Tramp barking)
CHIP: Hey, Elizabeth, we used 40 sacks of
BUB: Chip, now, I've asked you nicely.
CHIP: But I was just gonna
BUB: Knock it off!
Oh, hi, Robbie. How's the party going?
Sorry I'm late, but things kind of piled up on me at the
Robbie?
Hey.
Hey, Bob, it's Dad.
(chuckles)
Are you there?
I don't think so.
What?
Part of me is here, and part of me is out there.
I'm kind of scattered all over the house.
Oh.
Here, uh sit down, hmm?
Come on, sit down.
Do you feel all right?
I don't feel anything.
Not happy, not sad.
Not here, not there.
Just kind of like the fumes of an exhaust pipe.
(sighs loudly)
I'm, uh, I'm not quite sure I know what you mean.
Part of me is trying to be the kind of guy
Elizabeth wants me to be.
And another part is trying to
be a good sport with the family
like you want me to be.
And the rest of me is just sitting here in the kitchen,
wondering what the other two parts are doing.
It's kind of funny.
I just can't describe it.
It's just (sighs loudly)
Well, I'd, uh, I'd say you were
doing a very good job of describing it.
Yeah.
Did you ever feel like there were two great big hairy hands
that were clutching at your windpipe?
Well, no, not lately.
(clears throat)
I can't breathe.
I can't talk.
Well, you're squeezing your throat.
Don't do that. Stop it.
I can't find any words.
Everything's just (sighs loudly)
Robbie, will you tell me
just what seems to be the problem?
Oh, there's no problem.
Except working all day and
I-I mean, Bub fixed the dinner,
and Mike and Chip cleaned the house all day,
and the record player all over the table
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute
I mean, I can't, Dad, because I just can't!
Look, hold it. I been working all day!
Hold her, hold her, hold her.
Now, let's take it easy.
I can't understand what you're saying.
(sighs) That's better.
Now, let's have another go at it.
Now, I think I vaguely heard
the word "dinner" in there someplace.
What about it?
Well Easy, now.
Well, Bub worked all day to fix a nice dinner.
Yeah.
And Mike, Chip and I cleaned the house
the cleanest it'll ever be. Mm-hmm.
And there was good music in the table
and the silvery flowers were all over the record player!
Take her easy, take her easy. Take it easy, Rob.
Well We had flowers all over the place
and-and silver on the table
and good music in the record player.
And you know what? What?
It couldn't have been a more messed up dinner party
if we'd tried to louse it up.
What about Elizabeth?
Is, uh, she still here?
No.
I don't think so.
I think she just went out with Beethoven.
Isn't she a little young
to be running around with a fellow that age?
I'm not laughing at you, Rob.
Oh, that's okay, Dad.
Go right ahead, I don't mind.
Look, you've got to keep your sense of humor.
(upbeat jazz music playing on piano)
How can you keep something when everything's lost?
All right, Robbie.
You stay out here and feel sorry for yourself.
Okay.
That does it.
I guess I'm gonna be a broken down old bachelor
before I even get out of high school.
(jazz music playing louder)
(band playing "When the Saints Go Marching In")
(music continues playing)
I thought you only went for
that long-haired stuff like Beethoven.
I like all kind of music.
I was just playing Beethoven to please you.
Oh, yeah?
Gosh, you could play "Chopsticks" on the harmonica
and I'd like it.
We could have hamburgers
in the kitchen and-and I'd like it.
STEVE: Rob uh, I mean, Bob.
It's your chorus.
MIKE: Yeah, come on, Bob.
It's your chorus.
Hmm?
Robbie.
(trumpet joins in)
(playing lively riff)
(barking)
(music continues playing)
(barking)
(music continues)
(barking)
(music fades)