Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e32 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Hey, Uncle Joe,
you shouldn't be running on a hot day like this.
Got a telegram for your mother.
Kate, telegram for you!
A telegram? Who'd send Mom a telegram?
What's it about? How should I know?
It's marked personal for your mother.
Who would send me a telegram?
Norman P. Curtis.
He's a riot.
He still claims he's president of the C. & F.W. Railroad.
Well, what's the message?
How would I know?
Nutty Norman says Bedloe's coming back out here again.
That sneaky Mr. Bedloe.
He's always trying to scrap the Cannonball.
This time he's got a henchman with him named Fred.
Don't start worrying, Mom.
Yeah, you've outsmarted Mr. Bedloe before.
I wonder what skullduggery he's dreamed up this time
with this Fred.
Mr. Curtis, I've just come back
from the cattle car convention.
Heard you're sending me to Hooterville.
Ah, you're on the right track, Bedloe.
And so are you, sir.
Oh, I knew eventually you'd see things my way.
You know when you've got a liability,
you've got to get rid of it for the good of the railroad.
Oh, I'll junk that Hooterville Cannonball so fast,
those people down there will
think they have a breakaway toy.
Well, now you're on the wrong track.
They thought they were going
to outsmart your vice president.
Well, now that I've got your support,
I can get rid of that antediluvian eyesore,
that tuna-ville folly.
Those people down there
are going to drop to their bended knees.
Now who's got the last laugh?
You're not laughing, Mr. Curtis.
Bedloe, you are a mean man.
Thank you, sir. I try.
Every organization must have a mean man.
And ours is the best mean man in the business.
Thank you, sir.
But you lay one clammy finger on that Cannonball,
and I'll have you tied to the tracks.
But, Mr. Curtis
I'm sending you to Hooterville
this time on a mission of mercy.
Mercy? Me?
You feel all right, chief?
I feel fine.
It's Fred who doesn't feel well.
Fred? Who's Fred?
I've already wired Mrs. Bradley
Kate, a wonderful woman
To reserve adjoining rooms for the both of you.
Adjoining rooms?
Fred belongs to my housekeeper.
Now, they're both getting old, but I love them dearly.
Now, cooped up in my penthouse, he's lost his snap.
So I'm sending him to the Shady Rest with you.
I'm to go to the Shady Rest with a dog?!
Oh, Fred is more than a dog.
He's a beloved companion to my housekeeper and me.
Well, he doesn't look like any more than a dog to me.
Confined to city living, he's lost his dogginess.
Haven't you, old pal?
In a world of apartments and city living,
it's wrong to bark, to be a dog.
Fred, old pal,
I haven't heard you bark in months.
But one week with those wonderful people
and Fred will come back a changed man,
revitalized by their robust way of life.
So that's what my efforts
to close down that railroad have led to,
lowering my status so I'm a keeper of the dog, is that it?
Not really, Bedloe.
I was hoping to kill two birds with one stone.
I want the love and the kindness of those people
to rub off on you, too.
I sincerely hope by the time you get back
you will have broadened your perspective.
You know, there's really more to life, Bedloe,
than banging your head against the Cannonball.
Now, how can you disagree with that?
I can't because you're the president, sir,
and I'm merely your vice president in charge of a dog.
For months you've been hounding
me to get back to that valley.
Now that I've given you the opportunity,
what do you say?
Thank you.
I'll muscle your bag on up to the hotel, Mr. Bedloe.
All right.
Good grief, look!
What's that?
That? That's Orville's Flivverball.
Running on the C. & F.W. tracks?
He's Betty Jo's boyfriend.
He put handcar wheels on his flivver
so he can drive out here to visit her.
He uses our tracks?
Ain't any others.
Hi, Mr. Pratt.
Greetings.
What are they doing?
What we always do
when Orville signals he's about out of gas.
We tow him into Pixley.
Fred, I'd report this to the president of the railroad,
but he wouldn't believe me.
And you wouldn't back me up.
Come on.
Hey, easy, Sheba.
Don't fall for those city slickers.
You'll only get hurt.
Now, you stop that.
This is a miserable trip, so you stay miserable.
Now stop that dillydallying.
We have to face the enemy.
I have the beginning of a plan.
I'll appeal to their sympathy and draw them in, and then
well, I don't know what that
"and then" is gonna be just yet,
but believe me, there will be an "and then!"
That that's Fred?
This is Fred.
Oh, look at that.
So this is Fred, the bloodshot basset.
When you buy a suit and two pair of pants,
you don't wear both pair at the same time, Fred.
Uncle Joe, you'll hurt his feelings.
Come up, Fred. Come on up, Fred.
Come on up. Come on, baby.
Aw.
Mr. Bedloe, we got the telegram,
but what brings you and, uh, Fred
to the Shady Rest?
Would you believe it if I said I came
to bank the fires of brotherhood?
No.
You don't understand me, Mrs. Bradley.
I'm a changed man.
I have no reason to lie.
Then, that must mean that temporarily,
you ran out of reason.
Now, is that nice, Mrs. Bradley?
I came in the spirit of friendship and the role
of a humane citizen caring for a tired old dog.
Uh, girls, would you turn down the beds
for our humane guest, Mr. Bedloe?
And watch him like a hawk.
Bye, Fred.
Oh, you've got me wrong this time, Mrs. Bradley.
I'm not the Bedloe you used to know,
that surreptitious, miserable man of old,
who thought of this lovely retreat
as a Victorian egg crate or referred
to that magnificent Hooterville Cannonball
as a despicable piece of of shrapnel on wheels.
No, no, I'm a I'm a changed man.
Now, back up, Bedloe.
That ain't like you.
The explanation is is simple, but honest.
When I was introduced to Fred here
His master is president of our company
This dog, this noble creature
crept into my heart and changed my life.
Fred, old pal, come on.
Let's go, boy.
Come on now.
Come on, Fred.
Come on, old boy.
Yes.
Come on, Fred.
That's it, up we go.
Here we go, boy, all the way up the stairs.
Upsy daisy, that's it.
Yes, you're happy.
Well, I'm not, and I won't be
until I find a way to destroy every
Oh, stop wagging that stupid tail.
Wait a minute, that's it.
If I can bring you back in worse shape than you came,
the president will cease being a patron
of this backwater stop,
and I can regain my full status.
If Kate Bradley and her clan can't cheer you up
if they goof Oh-ho!
My lumpy friend, you've given me the greatest scheme
I've had in a long, long time.
Poor guy.
I think I hear him talking
to the dog up there, all alone.
He was talking all alone when he was down here.
Now, Kate, old Homer's a nice guy.
He's a changed man.
Let him up.
Somebody's got to be down before you let him up.
Now, there you go, Kate.
You got good points,
but you're a mighty poor judge of character.
I beg to differ.
I think that Mr. Bedloe is mean and tricky,
and you are an old softy.
Kate Bradley, that's the meanest thing
you ever said to me in my life.
Oh, Mr. Bedloe, are the, um, rooms all right?
Wonderful, everything's wonderful.
Mm-hmm. Are you and, uh, Fred hungry?
Certainly are.
Well, I'll fix something for both of you right away.
Oh, any old time for me, Mrs. Bradley,
but feed good old Fred here.
Best in the house, please.
Certainly, Mr. Bedloe.
And if he gives you any trouble, boot him out.
Use a broom on him.
Remember, you must love a dog and feed a dog,
but never let a dog get the upper hand, you know?
I'll try not to.
There's something going on.
I look at Mr. Bedloe and then at this dog,
and I see a Trojan horse.
He ain't no Trojan horse.
That's just a beagle in a bloodhound suit.
I feel sorry for him.
Even his drool drools.
Oh, I love Fred,
but a smiling, happy Mr. Bedloe
that worries me.
Kate, ain't you ever heard the expression,
"If a leopard wants to change his spots, let him"?
The expression goes like this:
"A leopard doesn't change his spots."
I knew it was something like that.
Sounds like the bark of a happy dog.
That's disgusting, revolting.
Make your move, Homer, old boy, starting now.
There, that's a lot neater.
Look at him dig in.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bradley.
I just remembered, that dog's on a strict diet.
Pills for his ulcer, pills for his arteries
and pills for his nerves.
And powdered dog food, which I will give him.
See what I mean?
I still say he ain't no Trojan horse,
just a basset full of pills.
You old rascal.
You're feeling your oats around here, ain't ya?
All right, Fred, back to your room.
Oh, it's all right.
He's taken to playing games with me.
He likes me and my Indian.
As a matter of fact, he likes all of us.
We like him, too.
He's the best-paying guest we've had.
Don't you see what's happened?
He's become a barker.
Is that bad?
I never known a dog that was much of a talker.
You bet it's bad.
Now I didn't want to say this to Mrs. Bradley.
'Cause I didn't want to worry her.
But I feel like I can tell you.
Sure, you can tell me anything.
And you're right, Kate is a worrier.
The president of the railroad
paid a lot of money to have that dog trained.
And he's run wild up here.
Do you know what the president would do if brought back
an undisciplined barker?
No. I know a lot about dogs,
but I ain't had much truck with presidents lately.
Well, this one's got a mean temper.
He'd scrap the Cannonball for sure.
Why would he want to do that?
Why? Because you people have turned
this dog into a barker.
Yeah, I guess we did.
Well, we're sorry.
Well, being sorry won't be enough for the president.
There must be something you can do
to return Fred to his old dignified self.
You know, I'd hate to see you and Mrs. Bradley
and those three lovely girls in the poorhouse.
So would I.
If it's only a matter of stopping Fred from barking,
I can do that.
Good. And remember my friend, the poorhouse might be bad,
but you also have to climb over a hill to get to it.
Thanks, Homer, I'll keep that in mind.
Good. Very good and wise, too.
Hey, you know, I cured a dog from a barking fit once
just scaring him a little.
Do you think you might perform
that glorious service for old Fred?
Well, I can try it.
You go up the stairs a way.
When I start dusting the Indian, let him go.
I salute you, sir.
You're a man among men.
I've yet to meet your equal.
Come along, noble beast.
I really think you did it.
Of course, I did.
It never failed.
I thought I heard a strange bark.
What's so strange about it?
That was me.
Fred? Fred?
Here, boy. Here, boy.
Here he is.
Uncle Joe, he's been hiding in this room
ever since you barked at him.
How did I know he was gonna take it personal?
He won't even bark for my stew.
Uncle Joe, you broke his spirit.
Bedloe didn't want him to bark.
I said, "Discipline him," not ruin him.
Tomorrow, I'm taking that dog home
away from this, this bedlam.
And when the president of the C & F.W. finds out
what you people
Oh, so that's your plan to scrap the Cannonball.
That's right. I made a better mousetrap
and caught all of you in it.
You, you'd ruin a dog just to ruin us?
You state it so simply, Mrs. Bradley.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Victory clutched from the jaws of defeat.
Beautiful! Fred, you're beautiful.
Life is beautiful.
I got to go next door and pack.
Well, what do you think of good ol' Homer now?
I think he's the south end of a Trojan horse going north.
Well, I'm not as worried about the president
as I am about poor Fred.
Before he goes back, we just got to make him feel better.
He looks so sad and forlorn, Uncle Joe.
Do you think we'll ever be able
to make him bark again, Uncle Joe?
Aren't we lucky to have an expert
on dog psychology, Uncle Joe?
Why'd I let myself get suckered in by that Bedloe?
I'm too smart for that.
You said that, I didn't.
We tried to sneak him out to bark at rabbit trails.
But he just looked at us.
I don't think he'll ever bark again.
I know I won't.
I just about worn all the paint off my Indian dusting him.
He won't even come near me.
Girls, let's take a walk.
Good morning, girls.
Good morning.
We didn't try that.
Try what?
Well, you know about old dogs.
A pretty charmer makes them feel like pups again.
What are you gettin' at, Kate?
Before the Cannonball comes
back to pick up Mr. Bedloe and Fred,
we got to round up every girl dog we can find.
Fred Ziffel the pig farmer's got one.
Looks more like a pig than a dog.
I'll get him.
Girls, wait, we got work to do!
Where's Mr. Bedloe?
He's upstairs. He'll be right down.
All right, start the parade.
Look, Fred, look what we brought for you.
Aren't they sweet?
Here, Fred, look at this one.
Isn't she pretty?
Look, Fred, they Brigitte Bardot of the dog world.
Hold on! Wait a minute!
Now, stop all this nonsense immediately.
Oh, I get it. You're baiting Fred to bark
with all these canine cuties.
Well, that's unfair.
Next.
Well, this is the last of the batch, Fred.
Bark a little, bark.
I got a secret weapon. I'll be right back.
Thank you, thank you one and all
for giving me living proof
that you've killed Fred's spirit.
Well, I tried.
No doubt about it, Fred, you are a beat basset.
Bedlam, bedlam, bedlam!
You people deserve to have this place shut down.
You know why? Because you've got no perspective.
No sense of values, no appreciation of money.
You'd rather cater to a canine
then worry where your next dollar's coming from.
You're right.
You're sick! Come on, Fred!
Don't drag him.
I'll carry him down for you.
Poor fellow, he looks like he's about on his last legs.
Thanks to you.
Wait till I show him to the president.
The melting down of the Cannonball
will be a monument to Fred.
It's Orville.
This'll be the end of that, that hot-rod handcar, too.
Come along, my depressed friend, and we'll get aboard.
Good-bye, Fred!
Good-bye, Fred.
Good-bye, Shady Rest.
What's going on?
He looked so sad.
I don't think Fred wants to live anymore.
He doesn't? Why not?
I barked at him. That's why.
You want to make something out of it?
Barked at him?
Oh, Uncle Joe, stop blaming yourself.
We did all we could to pull him out of it.
We couldn't get him interested in anything.
Why didn't you show him Sheba?
He was real interested in her.
Sheba?
Fred's interested in that mutt?
She's pathetic.
Well, he nearly proposed to her the first time he saw her.
It was love at first sight.
Why didn't you say so, you dopey kid?
Stop the train!
Joe, it's too late.
Granted, she's just a stray and doesn't look like much,
but she thinks somebody would want her.
You don't?
Well, I can't keep her.
I took her to Pixley, but I couldn't give her away.
Stop the train!
Uncle Joe, it's too late.
But it may not be too late for a long shot.
A shot at Bedloe? That's a good idea.
Bedloe's not too far away for that.
Give me a gun.
Joe.
Orville, you are going to take Sheba
to the airport in the Flivverball.
I am?
Sheba to the airport, Mom?
Yes, I think the president
of the C & F.W. Railroad deserves
a present from all of us at Shady Rest.
You mean that flea-bitten female?
Well, if Fred was bitten and smitten,
that's good enough for me.
Mom, I think that's a wonderful idea.
What a welcome home for Fred.
Come on, Sheba. Come on, baby.
There we go.
Now then, what worries me is
how do you package a dog?
How do you package a dog?
How about using my cat crate?
Yes, come in.
Oh, Bedloe, you're back.
With sad, sad news, sir.
Look at what those people have done to poor Fred.
What did they do?
Well, Fred hasn't eaten, he hasn't played,
he hasn't barked in days. They
Where did you get that morale builder?
Oh, she's a present from Kate Bradley
and the folks at the Shady Rest.
Now you were saying?
Well, I, uh
Oh, before you start composing your lie,
I think maybe you'd better walk Fred and his country cousin
down to the nearest meat market
and buy them each a steak.
The nearest market's two miles away.
Yes, it is quite a walk, isn't it?
It certainly is.
Well, maybe you'd better get them two steaks.
Now, you get going, Bedloe, and take care of the dogs.
You know, I'm disappointed in you.
You came back in a foul humor.
And a foul humor is contagious.
It might depress the dogs, so you watch it.
But Don't but me! Be happy.
Yes, sir.
Isn't that nice of Mr. Curtis
to send me a telegram saying
that everything worked out fine?
Wasn't it nice of me letting you open it first?
Bye, Mom, Uncle Joe. Bye.
See you later. Bye.
Bye-bye.
What lovely daughters.
What a beautiful sound.
Summer smoke, bees buzzin', honeysuckle.
How lucky we are.
I have a cinder in my eye.
Course it gets hot, but I don't even mind dog days
as long as they're at Shady Rest.
How about you, Uncle Joe?
Uncle Joe?
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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