My Three Sons (1960) s01e33 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
Now, why in tarnation would someone send me something
from Ogallala, Nebraska, C.O.D.?
I don't know anybody in Ogallala, Nebraska.
Or in Indianola, either. Come on.
Jeepers, Bub, maybe it's worth a lot of money.
Well, it better be.
It cost me $20.60.
Watch it, squirt, you're gonna get it.
Get that side of it opened, Robbie.
There.
Let's see what it is.
It's a saddle! A saddle?
For crying out loud. Now, why in the heck
would anybody in Ogallala want to send me a saddle?
Can I have it, Bub? Are you kidding?
What good's a saddle without a horse?
(neighs)
(neighing)
MAN: Hey, get back from there!
Pony's a wild animal, you know.
He don't know right from wrong.
How's he gonna tell the difference
between that cupcake and your fingers?
Hey, Lightning!
Act at least like you was breathing.
Honey, I've plumb gone and forgotten your name.
I never told you.
It's Dorine Peters right now.
Well, there's sure nothing wrong in that name.
When I get married it will be Douglas,
because my boyfriend's name is Chip.
Got yourself a beau, eh?
Doggone it, Lightning, perk up, perk up!
Nobody's gonna ride a pony that looks half dead.
What's your name?
Oh, just call me George.
Thank you.
But where do you live?
Well, now, I live where I am.
Right now I'm here.
And I ain't gonna be here long, unless some people
feel like riding these doggone ponies pretty soon.
I like to ride ponies,
except I spent all my money.
Well, now that's a shame, honey.
That's a downright shame.
Nothing would please old George any better
than to seeing you galloping around
on old Lightning here.
But the doggone truth is,
me and these three ponies gotta eat somehow.
I only see two ponies.
That's because I've got to keep the third one
locked up back there.
Now you talk about wild animals,
that old Cyclone is just plain mean.
Doggone near kicked the sides out of his stall.
Cut out that doggone fuss!
(Cyclone neighs)
"Fire-eati" hay-burner.
Too blasted devilish to ever get a saddle on him.
My goodness, he certainly looks lonesome.
Come on, Tramp, be a sport.
(phone ringing) I got it! It's for me!
Hey, Mike, careful of my saddle.
Are you kidding?
Cut out the roughhousing, Mike.
You and Chip go upstairs or out in the yard
if you want to play. "Play"?
(phone ringing)
I darn near broke my neck on that darned saddle.
Well, why don't you watch where you're going?
Hello? Now, Chip, you take this flea-bitten saddle
out in the backyard, and don't bring it back.
Oh, lover boy, your sweetheart's on the phone.
And she wants to know if you're still
planning on meeting her at that
pony ride place this afternoon.
Yeah, and she's not my sweetheart.
All right, Dorine.
For three days I've been stumbling over that
humpty-dumpty saddle. Darned thing.
I think I might have broken something.
No, you just bent the horn a little more.
Put that thing under the table, over on the couch,
on my own bed Can I take it down
to the pony ride place this afternoon?
Yes, and as far as I'm concerned,
you can leave it there.
If I ever find the guy that sent me that saddle,
I'll make him eat it, stirrups and all.
BUB: $20.60.
Chip, I've told you Dad, why can't I have a pony?
Because, Chip, I've told you time and again
that you cannot have a pony if you live in the city.
Then why don't we move to the country?
If I don't do a better job than I'm doing
on the project I'm working on,
we may have to move to the country
A foreign one.
See you later.
Come on, saddle.
Let's go find you some shoe polish
and get you all shined up.
(neighing) Now, come on.
Get down there. Cut it out.
Cut it out. Get down there now.
Now, cut it out, will you? Cut it out.
(neighing) Hey! Come on now.
Cut it out. Cut it out.
Come on here, you broken-down, worn-out
You're going to wear this saddle. (Neighing)
I'm going to know the reason why.
Hey, you! Get down.
We had the same trouble
with Wonder Boy a couple of years ago.
Cyclone, you're the sorriest hunk of crow-bait I ever seen.
(neighing) Of course, Skip, wouldn't you know,
finally threw up his hands in despair,
sold the beast to Seneca Farms and took up golf.
Hey, you snaggle-tailed, hobbled-hooved
Excuse me, ma'am glue pot!
I hate golf. (Neighing)
But at least it keeps us both outdoors,
and that's the important thing, don't you think?
I'm looking for something exciting.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, you know, an anvil, a pair of tongs,
an old set of bellows Things like that.
Huh?
Oh, I am sorry, I should've explained.
They're for my husband's office.
His office?
Well, I'm not trying to be nosy, ma'am,
but what in the world kind of work does he do?
He's in stocks and bonds.
(ooga horn blasts)
DORINE: George!
George!
My boyfriend's here!
I'm coming!
Excuse me, ma'am.
(muttering): Lop-eared,
hobbled-hooved, swayback.
Should've left you in Nebraska where I found you.
So, anyway, I was
I was telling Tabby Tab Whitley
I've simply got to do something about Skip's office.
I'm sorry, but I just can't bear it any longer
and Bobo agrees with me.
Do you like Chinese modern?
Well, ma'am
Exactly, so I'm going to turn it into a tack room.
Got kerosene lanterns for vases and for ashtrays.
And, uh, horseshoes for coasters.
And, of course, wagon wheels for chandeliers.
So if you have any old bridles
or old branding irons.
Oh, and wouldn't a horse collar
make a beautiful picture frame?
Well, now, ma'am,
I don't think I got what you're looking for.
Maybe some farm or riding stable.
I've been to all of those. Look.
Horse blankets make wonderful throw rugs.
Now surely you have one of those?
Doggone it, ma'am, I just ain't got nothing here
I don't need, except that fool pony.
I'm real sorry.
Maybe you'll stumble onto something exciting.
And if you do, please give me a call.
Here's my husband's card.
Oh, and I think I'd just explode with gratitude
if you could find me an old weather-beaten cow skull.
Farns "Farnsworth J. Afton."
Oh, just ask for Skip.
Well, I'm off again.
Wish me luck. (Horse neighing)
A few years back, a woman talk like that, lock her up.
DORINE: George, come and meet my boyfriend.
Ooh, what have we here?
It's a saddle.
(neighing) GEORGE: Hey, back there!
Cut it out!
Turning a good horse collar into a picture frame.
It ain't natural.
This is my boyfriend.
Hi.
Hi! So this is your sweetheart, eh?
By golly,
you're a mighty, lucky boy at that.
What you got there?
A quarter.
Yeah, looks like me and you can do business.
I got money, too.
Can I use my own saddle?
Oh, now them whizbangs of mine
are mighty particular about their saddles.
They got to have pony saddles.
Well, that's what I got.
You do? Yeah, see?
Well, I'll be doggoned!
Hey, you! Cut!
Spiteful, that's what he is,
just downright spiteful.
Come on, Dorine.
I'll put you on old Hurricane here,
and, Chip, I'll get you over there
on old Lightning there in a minute when I get
Hey, Mike, bring the saddle!
Hey, what are you doing?
Hey, Mike, what are you doing?
Thanks very much.
Hey, Mike, that's my saddle!
Don't let her get away!
Where's she going with my saddle?
(neighing)
Look, I got Bub's money back.
That kooky lady gave me
25 bucks for a saddle.
How about that?
You sold it?
It's a downright shame.
I'd have bought that saddle before I'd let her have it.
What's she gonna do with it, make a table lamp out of it?
No, a footstool.
(neighing, rope snapping)
Turning a good saddle into a footstool.
Ain't natural.
That poor, dumb little bag of bones.
He sure fixed himself up good.
He's really done it this time.
Maybe he just got tired of being tied up
all the time and went to take a little walk.
"Walk"? Why, that little devil's
probably running lickety-split all over town
right now getting himself in trouble.
Wild critter like that?
We got to find him before he hurts somebody.
CHIP: Where do you think he went?
Ah, with him, there's no telling.
He's probably so riled up,
he's chase clean back to Ogallala, Nebraska.
"Ogallala"?
Jeepers, that's where my saddle came from.
Ogallala that's quite a coincidence.
Come on, here, you mess of old
rusted nuts and bolts.
Sounds like you're out of gas, George.
Yeah? Well, now,
how in the thunder am I gonna head off
that poor thing before he tears this town wide open?
Hey, the trouble is here, boy,
if you drive me in your car, who'll watch the ponies?
They might decide to go for a little walk, too.
We can watch them.
No, I'll tell you what I'll give you
a couple of bucks to stay here
and hold down the fort while I take your car.
Oh, okay.
I'll do it for nothing.
Well, fine. I sure thank you, boy.
Well, watch the brakes.
Chip, here.
Hotfoot it to Bub and tell him I sold the saddle.
Dorine, you watch them ponies.
(whirring)
(clattering)
(engine backfiring)
(rapid, indistinct chattering)
(rapid chattering continues)
(engine backfiring)
Rudy It isn't going to work.
There's no use kidding ourselves,
it's just not going to work.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
There's nothing else to do,
but to go back up and start all over. Yeah.
Boy, oh, boy Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy
In spite of the complexities,
our problem is relatively a simple one.
I'll be darned.
We've always known that.
We're faced with the problem of putting a maximum amount
of electronic gear
into a limited amount of space.
It just doesn't seem possible.
Well, we can't let that stop us.
It just has to be possible.
We've got to figure out a way.
Now, as long as we got rid of this deadwood
we've been working on for two weeks,
we can approach it from a different angle.
What would you say if
Oh, sorry.
Didn't know you were thinking.
Rudy, we have been working
pretty hard lately, haven't we?
Uh, but I don't think you
This is going to sound a little silly to you,
but would you mind telling me what you see
outside the window over there?
What?
Just describe to me
what you see outside the window.
I don't see anything except that building.
Well, that's supposed to be there,
but, uh nothing else?
Well, uh Rudy, uh
uh, what do you say we use a printed circuit here?
What was I supposed to see outside the window?
Nothing, nothing, I
I was just wondering how it got there.
How what got there?
It's not important.
Well, I I thought I saw a pony saddle out there.
(both chuckling)
What what were you saying
about, uh, trying another approach?
Hmm?
You said something about another approach.
Oh, yeah.
I think we ought to try
a little reorganization of our thoughts.
It isn't reasonable for a saddle
to go past a window 15 feet off the ground
without anything holding it up.
No, it certainly doesn't.
As a matter of fact, it's impossible,
so why don't we just forget it, hmm?
Now, if we could think of this
in the, uh, terms of two separate areas
In the first place, what would a saddle be doing
wandering around without a horse under it?
It was a pony saddle.
A pony 15 feet tall?
It-It wasn't on a a pony.
It was just kind of out there by itself.
Oh, maybe you saw something that looked like a saddle.
Oh, come on now, Rudy, it
it was just in my imagination, that's all.
Fallen over the darned thing
so many times these last few days that,
well, it's just kind of on my mind.
That's what it is.
It's an interesting phenomenon.
Yes, yes, it is.
And we better get to work
on this interesting phenomenon or we're going to have
the United States Air Force on our necks.
Now, come on. Now, if the saddle were
Rudy once and for all,
there is no saddle, and there is no pony.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Now
(rhythmic tapping)
(hoofbeats approaching)
(hoofbeats grow louder)
(hoofbeats fading)
Steve, what were you saying
about those two different areas?
What?
Oh.
I was just saying, if we, uh, could think of it
in those terms, we could, uh we could put, uh,
half of the com ponies in
I mean, half of the components
in one area and the rest of the
the rest of them in another area.
That that's it.
(engine backfiring)
Young man?
Uh, yes?
Didn't you put my footstool in the car?
Well, yes, ma'am, I put it right on top.
That's what I thought.
Well, I've lost it.
No kidding?
Well, say, you didn't happen to see a runaway
(hoofbeats)
Oh, there he is!
Uh, you don't happen to have an
Catch him!
Catch him!
Who, me?
Well, please, lady, go after him.
I I've got
to stay here. DORINE: Please, lady, hurry!
(engine backfiring) Hey.
Oh, George.
George, he-he just went down there.
(engine backfiring, police siren wailing)
(siren stops wailing)
(tires screeching) MIKE: Watch it watch it, George.
(horn honking)
All right, all right.
Hey, how about those brakes!
You're letting him get away, ma'am.
MIKE: Pretty good brakes, huh, Officer?
Officer, there's a pony down there.
George? George?
Hey, George, how about those brakes?
Pretty good, huh?
Car works all right.
(siren wailing)
(engine backfiring)
Jeepers, my saddle.
Guess you didn't want to be a footstool anyhow, huh?
Come on, we better duck you in the backyard
where they can't find you.
(siren wailing)
(engine backfiring)
(siren wailing)
(engine backfiring)
(rapid, indistinct chattering)
(rapid chattering continues)
(siren wailing)
(tires screeching)
(siren wailing)
(engine backfiring)
(whinnying)
(siren wailing)
(hoofbeats approaching)
(tires screeching)
(engine backfiring)
GEORGE: I hear you stand back just a minute.
You don't know what you're up against here.
We got something dangerous get back.
Every one of you, stand still, don't make any noise.
Uh, here, Officer, let's go. CHILD: How big is it?
GEORGE: You better doggone
well get yourself out of the way there.
You got a little old wild, poor little pony
trapped in your backyard.
I have?
(whinnying)
Everybody, stand back. Somebody's going to get hurt.
Keep that doggone gun out of sight.
Well, you better get him out of the backyard
before he eats all my good sheets off the line.
Ponies don't eat sheets, Mr. O'Casey.
You're thinking of a goat. Oh.
Hello. Hello.
Bill Grogan's goat was feelin' fine ♪
Ate six red shirts right off the line. ♪
I haven't thought of that in years.
(harsh whinnying)
Keep that doggone gun handy.
(Chip clicking tongue)
Whoa, boy.
Hey, Bub, look at me.
CHIP: Whoa.
Yeah.
Rudy, I think I've got something.
All along, we've been figuring that the instrument package
needed something to hold it
up, some bracing, but look here.
Rudy?
Rudy?
Oh, where did he go?
Rudy?
What are you doing out there?
Rudy, what what are you doing out there?!
14 feet, nine and three-quarter inches.
Look, I think I've really got something here.
That's almost 15 feet.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Listen, now, half of our electronic gear
could be fastened down tight, and the other half
could be supported by air.
That's a pretty tall pony.
Rudy, I'm not talking about ponies.
I've really got something here.
Half of the gear will be riding on air,
and the other half will be in the riding stable.
I mean, the other half will be riding stable.
Look, come in here so I can explain it to you, will you?
What?
I said come in here and quit horsing around
I mean, fooling around out there.
Come in here.
Gosh.
Come on, Chip, before he ruins the grass.
I've heard of lost dogs traveling hundreds of miles
to get back home, but I've
Oh, those dog stories are a dime a dozen,
but you sure don't hear about a pony
finding his lost saddle every day.
And, in our backyard.
Yeah, pretty unusual.
You're darned right.
Unusual enough to make the papers.
No, Buffalo Webster, not Buffalo Bill.
Cyclone and the saddle used to belong to Buffalo Webster,
and my grandfather used to know him.
And how come you weren't listening?
What a charming little story.
Like a fairy tale.
Well, ma'am, I wouldn't say that.
O'Casey there has done some doggone good favors
for Buffalo back in them show business days.
Now, before old Buffalo died, he probably told his wife
he says, "Now, you take Cyclone's saddle",
"and you send it to O'Casey for old time's sake,
something for him to remember him by."
Poignant.
Huh?
I said, how poignant.
No, ma'am.
Friendly.
Buffalo just wanted to be friendly.
GEORGE: Ma'am, now, about the price of that saddle
Oh, George, just forget it.
No, I want to pay you for it, ma'am.
I'll give you my IOU.
Let's face it, George.
Our little experience was well worth the money.
Huh?
Well, I told you when we first met
I was looking for something exciting.
Oh, wait till I tell Bam.
Bambi Wyckoff.
Can't you just see the expression on her face?
Bam and that dreadfully dull
story about her potbellied stove.
Wait till she hears about my footstool.
Footstool.
Darned fool woman.
Sticking flowers in kerosene lanterns.
Lightbulbs in wagon wheels.
A saddle's a saddle, and it belongs
right where it is: On a pony's back.
Come on, boy, let's go.
I got my business to take care of.
Why do people always have to change something
into something when it already is something?
BUB: I'll phone your dad and tell him
to pick you and Mike up down at the pony ring.
Okay.
Hey, Bub, was the pony trying to find the saddle,
or was the saddle trying to find the pony?
I don't know, Chip.
It looks to me like it was a little of both.
Okay, so long.
So long.
GEORGE: You're gonna have to go to work.
(George muttering)
Look here, you
You're gonna have to get to work.
Now perk up there Perk up.