Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e33 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
"Occupant, Shady Rest Hotel."
"Occupant, Shady Rest Hotel."
"Occupant, Shady Rest Hotel."
I wish the Shady Rest had as many occupants
as it has mail for them.
But, then, I guess it's just as well
we don't have too many guests
with the girls going on their trip and all.
Bring on the customers, Kate.
We can use the money.
Besides, you got me and Orville
to take care of any work that comes up.
You mean the way you're doing it right now
when you should be cleaning up the rooms upstairs?
Yeah, let's clean out those rooms, Mr. Carson.
Your move.
"H.J. Grant."
I don't know any H.J. Grant.
Oh, sure, Herbie Grant.
Who's Herbie Grant, Mom?
A boy I went to school with.
Let's see here.
"In as much as most of my financial interests
"are centered in Europe, I have spent
the intervening years on the continent.
"However, business negotiations
"require me to be in Hooterville,
"and I'm looking forward to
reminiscing with you."
Hmm.
Expensive stationery.
That guy is a phony.
You don't even know the man.
Kate, you only buy expensive stationery
like this when you're about to go bankrupt.
Guy's a phony.
Who is he, Mom?
Well, he was a senior in high school
when I was a freshman.
Ooh, I had such a crush on him.
I used to take the long way to algebra
just so I could pass him in the hall.
Gee, I wish we hadn't picked this time
to visit Aunt Winifred in Groverdale.
Yeah, we're gonna miss all the fun.
Well, I'm not, if I can help it.
Maybe we ought to postpone our trip No.
No, you don't.
You picked the time to go see Aunt Winnie; I didn't.
And you're not gonna disappoint that sweet, lonely woman.
But, Mom, we could stay here,
and we could help you, and we could
Oh, come on, girls, get going.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Uncle Joe.
Good-bye. Good-bye, Mom.
Bye, Mom. Bye, Uncle Joe.
Bye, Orville. Oh, bye, Betty Jo.
Good-bye, Orville. So long.
Don't work too hard.
Give Aunt Winnie a kiss for me. We will.
Bye, Mom.
Take care, you hear?
Okay. Bye-bye.
Gee, Mr. Carson, I have no place to move.
Sure, you have.
You can jump me right there, Orville.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
What'd you do that to me for, Mr. Carson?
That's one of life's lessons, son.
Never be too quick to trust anybody,
not even the most honest guy alive me.
Hi, Georgette.
This is Mr. Grant.
How are things in France?
Oh, Monsieur Grant, we were so worried.
We had not heard from you for 24 hours.
Where are you?
Hooterville.
I'm gonna be here for a week.
I don't want to be disturbed.
Oh, well, Monsieur Grant,
Madagascar wants to know if they can go ahead with the dam.
Buenos Aires would like a $5 million loan.
Anderson called from Nairobi.
They discovered oil in your diamond mine.
Should they go on digging?
And Ethiopia wants to know about the pipeline.
All right.
Yes on one and three.
No on two and four.
Anything else?
Okay, so long.
Hi there, I'm Herb Grant.
Carson's my name.
The house dick at the Shady Rest Hotel.
Oh?
Well, things haven't changed much
around here, have they?
Crime prevention-wise, they have.
We're plugged right into the FBI,
CIA, Scotland Yard.
We get bulletins on card sharks,
con men, everybody.
Maybe you'd better get back
on the train, keep moving.
The hotel is this way, isn't it?
Oh, yes, sir, I'll take your bag for you.
No, thanks, I'll carry it.
Just like I figured, he's a phony.
Carrying his own bags to avoid paying a tip,
which he can't afford.
He dresses pretty good.
Remember, you can rent anything.
Yeah, but suppose he really is a millionaire.
Millionaire?
Where's his spats, his top hat,
his diamond stickpin?
If he's a millionaire, he's out of uniform.
Well, he looked sort of refined to me.
Forget it, them city haircuts
will fool you every time.
Come on, we better keep an eye on him.
Herbie?
Kate?
I mean H.J.?
Uh, rather, Mr. Grant.
It's still Herbie to you.
It's still Kate to you, Herbie.
Well you sure look, um nice, I guess.
And you look nice, too, Kate, and I'm not guessing.
Well, thank you. Welcome home.
Thanks, Kate, it's nice to be home.
Home: That's one word
he can start eliminating from his vocabulary,
starting with the next train out of here.
I'll nail him.
Watch this.
Grant. Oh, hi there.
Mr. Grant.
After you get rested, how about a little poker?
If you don't mind playing with a fella
that don't know an ace from a deuce.
Thanks, but I never played cards in my life.
Well, how about a little crap shooting
out behind the barn?
No, I never gamble on games of chance.
You don't, huh?
Well, I'll try to think up something
you'll find entertaining.
Thanks, but I'm getting along fine.
You know, a fella could do a lot worse
than settling down right here.
I've got it now!
His gimmick's gigolo.
He'll take Kate
for every last desperate cent she's got,
then break her heart.
Yeah, but I thought Mrs. Bradley
didn't have much money.
You got a point there.
Maybe gigolos are having a desperate year, too.
Besides, I think this guy
is on to how much this hotel's worth.
Well, how much is it worth?
I haven't the least idea.
You know, I feel very proud
knowing that a fella from Hooterville
has done as well as you've done.
Tell me, did you ever get married?
No, Kate, I never got married.
Never got married?
Please, you make it sound like a capital crime.
Well, I don't mean to.
It's just that it it-it seems strange
that in your travels, that you didn't meet some girls.
Oh, I met girls, but, uh, after you move around
from one place to another
well, you you certainly meet girls.
Trouble is, Kate, they're girls, not women.
I think that's why I had to come back, Kate,
to recapture something.
I think the time has come
for us to get better acquainted.
Sounds like a nice idea, Herbie.
This ain't no penny-ante crook.
Mark my words, this guy's after Kate,
the hotel and everything.
I gotta get rid of him and fast.
A good, thick coat of paint would cover up
a multitude of sins, as they say.
Just like Kate, bless her heart,
loading on all that makeup every morning.
Oh, she doesn't look like she applies any.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Kate's a fine little woman, bless her heart.
She needs some dental work.
Could probably stand to have her appendix removed
if she could afford it.
But she'll marry some sucker
er, some fella one of these days
and get what she needs, bless her heart.
Uncle Joe, here's some more coffee, bless its heart,
for your dear little cup, bless its heart.
Now, you drink it up while it's good and hot.
Bless its heart.
Excuse me.
Uncle Joe
I want you to stop all this nonsense
with Herbie, and I especially want you
to stop it tonight around supper time.
Why tonight?
Because Herbie asked if we could eat by candlelight.
It's his favorite way of enjoying a meal.
I get the picture.
Just the two of you,
with him moving closer with every mouthful.
Forget it.
I ain't letting you out of my sight.
Things are beginning to look black.
That crook in there is getting set
to move in for the kill tonight.
Gosh, I guess I'm too young
to know a criminal when I see one,
but Mr. Grant doesn't look like one to me.
That's what makes him so deadly.
But I done a little snooping in his room.
Did you ever hear of a millionaire
with no monogram on his pajamas?
Gosh, I guess not.
Or a millionaire with a pair of shoes
with a hole in the sole? Golly, no.
Or a millionaire that never seems
to have any pocket change?
Boy, I think you've got him pegged
right at that, Mr. Carson.
You're a smart man.
I gotta throw a monkey wrench in this guy's plans
before the girls come back and find the hotel gone.
And before he breaks Kate's heart to boot.
Well, come on, Mr. Carson.
Tell me what your plan is, huh?
This guy's got more than one angle,
so we gotta hit him with more than one plan.
Yeah, well, like what, Mr. Carson, like what?
Like the plan that's coming along right now.
Old man-hungry Mabel Snark.
Hi, Joe, Orville.
Hiya, Mabel.
Afternoon, Mabel, you old heartbreaker, you.
Heartbreaker?
Now, what is that supposed to mean?
Now, don't kid me, Mabel.
Over at the Shady Rest, all you hear is,
"Mabel, that doll."
"Mabel, that dreamboat."
"Mabel, that gorgeous hunk of woman."
Who's been saying that?
And please tell me it was a man.
Oh, it was a man all right, and what a man.
Well, uh, who is he?
Is he single or anything?
He's single and everything.
Handsome, debonair, gay, man about town.
Well, who for heaven's sakes,
who is this loving doll?
Well, he's a fella staying at the Shady Rest.
Well, what's his name?
Well, for the time being, we'll just call him Mr. X.
Well, why hasn't he looked me up before?
I'm not hard to reach in Hooterville.
Believe me, I am not hard to reach.
Well, he's a mite shy.
Well, he shouldn't be, not with me.
Why don't you come on over
at the Shady Rest and get acquainted?
Uh, well, Joe, uh,
how do you think this would hit him?
Right between his baby blue eyes.
Handsome! Dashing!
Debonair! With baby blue eyes?
Ooh, that's enough to make a girl flip her lid!
Ain't it the truth?
But save your lid-flipping till you meet him
in person at the Shady Rest tonight.
I'll be there.
Baby blue eyes
Excuse me, Mr. Carson, but do you think
she's competition for Mrs. Bradley?
Not competition, boy, confusion.
What are you up to now, Mr. Carson?
Plan number two, Orville my boy.
Insurance.
You got change for a five? Heck no.
Let me have a dime, will you?
Don't worry about your dime, Orville,
you'll get it back, every penny of it.
I will?
The form of satisfaction.
Oh, great.
Hello, Sheriff Ragsdale?
Carson here reporting the whereabouts of a joker
I figure has got to be the most
wanted con man in the country.
Yeah, he'll be at the Shady Rest tonight.
Just doing my duty as a public-spirited citizen.
Well, naturally, if there's a reward,
we'll split it.
More magazines to burn, Orville.
Hey!
Look what I found in one of the magazines.
Yeah? Mr. Carson, it's a picture of Mr. Grant.
Grant? I knew it.
Let's see what he's wanted for.
"H.J. Grant is pictured above under armed escort"
I knew he was a crook. I never miss.
Keep reading, Mr. Carson.
"Under armed escort as he carried part of his
"famous diamond collection to its new home
"in the Grant International Bank vault.
"Experts place the value of the diamond collection
"at $10 million.
"This amount, however, represents only a fraction
of Grant's vast fortune."
What do you think of Mr. Grant now, Mr. Carson?
I got to go show this to Kate
so she'll stop worrying about this guy.
Kate! Kate!
Wait till you see this picture of boy, Herbie Grant.
"Our boy"?
Kate, it takes a big man to admit he was wrong.
I've never been this big a man before.
Well, I guess Herbie's as wealthy as he says he is.
Maybe now you'll stop calling him a phony.
Well, I just wanted to make sure my favorite niece
wasn't being took in by some fortune hunter.
You know what's in my bank account.
There isn't much danger of that.
Well, it's always good to make sure.
Now we can relax knowing it's all over
but the dull formalities.
What "dull formalities"?
Well, his proposing, you accepting.
Whoa, Uncle Joe, back up.
I like Herbie Grant very much,
but let's not turn a friendly homecoming
into a flaming romance.
Kate, after 30 years, you don't think
he just happened to be in the neighborhood.
Uh Uncle Joe, will you stop
fanning the flames where there's no fire?
Look, Kate, to them tycoons, time is money.
And they don't go around squandering, neither.
Why, I figure Herbie Grant makes so much money,
that if he dropped a ten-dollar bill,
it'd cost him $20 worth of his time to pick it up.
I never want to be that rich.
Oh, and speaking of Herbie,
he likes his supper on time.
So don't you and Orville
keep him waiting at the table.
Oh, well, me and Orville's got some more stuff
to clean out of the upstairs room.
I'll tell you, we'll just take a sandwich
to munch on while we're working.
Guess you and Herbie
will have to eat together alone.
Well, that's how things work out sometimes, Kate.
All right, Uncle Joe, I'm perfectly willing to be
swept off my feet, but, um
please, let Herbie handle the broom.
Well, good evening, Herb.
Good evening, Joe. How are you this evening?
Fine, fine. Just come over here, sit down, relax.
Kate'll have supper ready in a little while.
Well, thanks, but, uh,
why the sudden change in attitude?
What do you mean?
Oh, come on, Joe.
You haven't been overly polite before this.
Finally caught on to the rib, huh?
What rib?
Oh I do this to strangers all the time.
Find out if they got a sense of humor.
Are you sure you don't dislike me?
Dislike you? Well, that's ridiculous.
I never met a millionaire I didn't like.
Oh, Herbie, you ready for supper?
Indeed I am.
May I take your arm?
As long as I have it with me, why not?
Making money's very important to you, isn't it, Herb?
Well, it's the only thing I've learned to do well.
I could learn to enjoy other things
like sitting here with you.
Kate, I have a great interest in you.
At what percent?
Very good, Kate.
Your wit is sharp and to the point.
I know we can hit it off together.
I don't know, Herb. I really don't know.
We will.
All it requires is a little patience
and understanding on both our parts.
Cannonball's stopping.
That means somebody's getting off.
I'll go get rid of them.
Can't have any noisy customers up here
messing things up right now.
Evening, Sheriff.
What brings you to the Shady Rest this time
Just remembered what brought you here.
Where's the confidence man you told me about, Joe?
"Confidence man"? What do you mean?
The one you phoned me about.
Or is getting me all the way out here
this time of night your idea of some kind of a joke?
Joke? Joke? I don't joke with you, Sheriff,
not with your temper.
I mean, you're my favorite lawman.
Why don't you come back in the morning,
put the pinch on him. Good night, Sheriff.
Don't be ridiculous, Joe.
I'm taking him in tonight.
Wait a minute, Sheriff.
Don't go in there; You'll spoil everything.
What's the matter?
Is he holding somebody as a hostage?
Is that it? Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Why don't you go and get reinforcements
and come back in the morning?
I don't need them.
I'll grab this joker by myself.
No, Sheriff! Hold it! Wait!
No, wait!
Now, where is he, Joe?
Who's this rat holding as hostage?
So the fella said, "That's not like me,
that's like my sister."
Oh, no!
Where'd you get that one?
It's, Kate, isn't it, Joe?
That's why you ain't making any sense,
ain't it, Joe? Yeah, what'd I tell you?
Stand back, I'm going in after him.
No, please, Sheriff. Don't go in there.
You don't know what you're doing.
Kate's okay, honest.
Please. The guy ain't in there.
Then where is he?
Well, that's the last of it.
I've cleaned out every room in the place.
There's your man, Sheriff.
This kid? Hey, what's going on?
All right, fella, the jig's up.
Now tell the sheriff your name.
What did you say it was? Babyface what?
"Babyface"? Mr. Carson, I've been shaving
for two years now.
You're dang right, you have.
You've been shaving and fleecing and taking
the poor, unsuspecting public around here.
Now you go along quietly with the sheriff.
Mr. Carson, what are you trying to do to me?
Just a second, Joe.
Ain't you one of the Miggs kids?
Yeah, yeah, that's me. I'm one of the Miggs kids.
Yeah, yeah, that's the name Miggs.
Babyface Miggs.
Now, take him away, Sheriff,
and the quicker and the quieter,
the better; I don't want to wake up the guests.
Well, you've done it again, Sheriff,
wrapped up another case.
Tell me how the trial comes out.
Well, so long, Sheriff.
Good luck, Babyface. Now, just a minute, Joe.
Yeah, stop calling me Babyface.
I know this kid.
Now, I don't know what kind of nonsense you're up to,
but I'm going to go in there and talk to Kate and find out.
No, please, Sheriff
Please don't go in there right now.
Herbie ought to be getting to the proposing part.
You'll spoil everything.
Now what are you talking about?
All my life, I've been wanting to marry into money.
I may never get another chance.
Are you trying to tell me
that Kate's in there with a gentleman friend?
That's right, Sheriff, so please don't disturb them.
You know, having dinner by candlelight,
romance, money you understand.
Yeah. All right, Joe.
I won't bother them. Come along.
Gee, thanks, Sheriff. I'm sorry about the little mix-up.
That's perfectly all right.
Just one of those things. Come along.
You sure been a good sport, Sheriff.
Thanks, come along.
Sheriff? Yes, Joe?
Hey, Sheriff,
why do you keep saying, "Come along"?
Because for putting me through all this,
I'm going to let you spend this night down in my jail.
You're joshing.
You're going to jail.
Very funny, Babyface. Now, let's go, Joe.
No, please, don't put me in the hoosegow, Sheriff.
I ain't never been booked before in my life.
No kidding? Well, let's go.
No, please, please.
I'd rather die than bring disgrace to my good name,
- to Kate, to the girls
- Here I am.
Evening, Sheriff, Orville.
Well, Joe, where's that handsome,
dashing, debonair man about town?
I'm sorry, Mabel.
It was just another case of me getting mixed up a little.
Oh, sure. So you must be talking about
the fella in there having dinner with Kate.
Oh, well, I hate to interrupt Kate,
but I'm just dying to see that romantic rascal
who thinks I'm just his type.
Gangway. No, wait a minute, Mabel.
Wait a minute the fella in there ain't the one
that's crazy about you.
Now, you run along home,
I'll see that you get to meet him later.
In a pig's eye!
I didn't get a four-dollar hairdo
and all done up grand to blow the whole evening.
I'm not leaving this place until I meet Mr. X.
Mabel
All right, Mabel.
Now you're have to gonna know
sooner or later who this Mr. X is.
It's me. You?
You?! You've got to be kidding!
Why, you're old enough to be my father.
Age ain't everything.
A fella can be young at heart
'cause a certain person made him that way.
Well, gee, Joe,
um, why didn't you ever tell me this before?
Well, I was afraid you just wasn't interested in men.
That's why I made up this little game,
draw you out in the open.
Well, gee, Joe, I had no idea.
You see, I've always sort of looked on you
like a, well, an older brother.
Well, not really an older brother,
uh, more like a big brother.
Well, at least that's some kind of affection.
I'll settle for that.
Oh, no, you won't, Josie-doll.
Now that everything's out in the open,
we'll have none of that brother and sister stuff.
We're going to get started right,
and let the whole world know how we feel about each other.
Kiss me, you romantic devil you.
No, no Now-now, now-now,
back up, Mabel, back up.
Some other time. Some other time.
Uncle Joe, what?
Mabel, what are you doing here?
And Sheriff Ragsdale?
Well, never mind them, Kate,
give us the good news.
When's the wedding date?
What wedding date?
Well, yours and Herbie's.
Herbie and I didn't set any wedding date.
We're not going to.
Is that on the level, Herbie?
Completely.
As a matter of fact, we were just talking about
what different worlds we live in.
And we were joking about what a marriage
between the two of us would be like.
You were joking about it, Kate?
Yes, Uncle Joe.
You've got a poor sense of humor.
It's downright poverty-stricken.
Thank you.
More coffee, Herbie?
I'd love to.
Night, folks.
What do you say, dollface?
Let's go for a moonlight walk.
Well, I'd love to, Mabel,
but, uh, the sheriff here has just arrested me.
He's taking me into jail immediately.
Aw, forget about it, Joe.
I'll do no such thing.
The sheriff doesn't think it's important,
so let's drop the whole thing
and let's go for that moonlight walk.
Sorry, Mabel, I got it coming.
Sheriff, Sheriff, do your duty.
Put me in jail. Lock me up.
Good night, Mabel.
Good night. Good night, Joe. Have fun.
Hey, wait, Sheriff.
I'll walk down to the train with you.
Great! Now for that moonlight walk.
Sheriff! Come back!
I want to pay my debt to society!
Come back, Sheriff, and lock me up!
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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